Disclaimer: This story is entirely fictional and not intended for minors or those judged unable by law to read this material. Any resemblance to actual people is purely coincidental.
The author reserves all rights to this work.
LONDON ROMANCE
PART SIX
WILL: MOMENTS IN TIME
I thought I'd prepared myself for Philip's possible reaction. I'd psyched myself up for the worse, but I still couldn't take his reaction. He had paused for, what seemed to me, a long time. Then his face turned very pale. I could see panic in his eyes. He was shaking his head and mumbling something when he stood up. He turned and started walking. He didn't hit me. He didn't curse me. He didn't swear. He didn't shout at me. He didn't say anything. All he did was walk away. What broke my heart was what I saw in his eyes. I didn't see hate. I didn't see anger. I saw fear. He walked away because he feared me not because he hated me. I could've taken his anger and his hatred, but I couldn't take his fear of me.
The fear in his eyes was all I could think about as I stood up and cleared the area of the bottles and the wrappers of our sandwiches. I gathered them and put it into the paper bag in which Philip had brought them in the first place. I reached the waste bin and I emptied the bag into the bin. I folded the paper bag neatly and brought it with me.
Liz could see immediately that there was something the matter with me. She asked me but I just kept mum. I turned my thoughts away from the events at lunch and concentrated at my work. I was partially successful. My telephone rang twice during the time and each time it rang, my heart raced, hoping that it would be Philip who rang. Twice I was disappointed. Each time I returned to my work, I found it more difficult to focus. Nevertheless, I completed my work and when it was time to go home, I quietly put on my jacket and picked up my backpack and went home.
I had a terrible night. I kept dreaming about those eyes. I kept seeing Philip's eyes filled with fear. I lost count of how many times I had awakened to this dream. I decided not to sleep when I noticed the time was five in the morning. I was tired but was not willing to go to bed because I knew the eyes would come again in my dreams. I sat by the window watching the sky turn from black to orange. I didn't know if I had gone to sleep again because it seemed that time slipped me by. The next time I looked at the clock, it said ten past seven.
I decided to go for a jog. I changed into my jogging clothes and got outside, hoping that the jog would do me some good. I returned at about eight. I felt a little better and my head was clearer. As I took my shower, I tried to convince myself that I was better off without Philip. Though I didn't feel as bad as the day before, I still yearned a little for Philip.
I left word with Martin's housekeeper that I wouldn't be able to make it for dinner that night. It was my turn to go to their place for the weekend. I didn't feel like spending time with anyone. I just wanted to be alone. I spent the time hovering between sleep and wakefulness. I lost track of time I had no apetite and so I skipped lunch. I didn't even know when lunch was. The telephone rang but I was not bothered to answer it. At one point I was aware of someone knocking at my door. I got up and told the person knocking to go away. I wasn't going to buy anything. When I noticed the voice carefully, I realised that it was Michael. I knew he was going to pound the door until I opened it.
"What's the matter with you?" he asked in a concerned voice when I finally unlocked the door. When he saw me, he gave a gasp and rushed into the house. "What's happened to you? You look very sick!"
"Please Mike, go home. I want to be alone!"
"Not until you tell me what happened to you. You look terrible!"
"Philip ran away from me when I told him I was HIV positive." I broke down.
Michael did not say anything. He just reached out to me and held me.
"I thought I could handle it," I sobbed, "but I couldn't. I thought I was strong, but I'm really a weakling inside."
Michael kept silent. He waited until I finished crying. Once I emptied the pain, after about twenty minutes, I became calmer.
"Are you ready to go?" Michael asked.
"Go?"
"Of course. You didn't think that I'd drive all the way here and then drive all the way back empty handed. You're coming with me right now!"
"Not like this," I protested.
"Put on a coat, grab some change of clothes. You know that Martin and I will welcome you anytime. It's 'anytime' now. Buck up!"
After crying for twenty minutes, I didn't have the stamina to argue. I just got to my bedroom and picked up enough clothing for an overnight stay.
"Medicine?" Michael asked.
"Oh yes!" I got to the cabinet in my kitchen where I kept my medicine and took out the amount needed for my stay and put them into a small medical ziplock packet.
"Keys?"
"Yes, they're in my pocket."
Michael ushered me out and turned the lock of the door handle and slammed the door, locking it in the process. I got down stairs and went towards Michael's new Vauxhall car. He unlocked the passenger side and opened to the door for me. I got in and he closed the door, then he went to the driver side and got in. I had been carrying my little bag of clothes under my left arm and holding my packet of medicine in my right hand. About a minute after we were on the road, I started to cry again.
"What's happening now?"
I held up my packet of medicine. "This is the reason Philip won't talk to me."
Michael couldn't find a place to stop and so he spoke quite loudly. "Listen to me, William Duncan. What's done is done. You cannot undo it. What's important is that you look forward. If that so-called friend cannot see past the HIV, then I say good riddance! All he sees is the exterior and not who's inside. Will, you're a good person. If he can't see that, he has to suffer the consequence, not you."
I heard him, but the tears couldn't stop. I wept silently. Michael must have noticed the tears but he did not say anymore. I was so sad that things didn't work out with Philip. After a while, the tears stopped and Michael started to talk to me. We talked about the weather and about the state of the economy. Nothing more was said about Philip.
The next day, I insisted that I was fine enough to return home on my own. We parted at the train station. Martin and Michael left on the earlier train to Edinburgh whilst I had to wait about fifty minutes for the train to London. The time with Michael and Martin was good because I began to see the situation more objectively. If I had stayed at home, I'd probably get more depressed and become a wreck. I reached Paddington at about quarter to five and I took a bus home.
When I reached the bottom of the stairs to my flat, I saw Philip sitting there. He looked up and immediately stood up. His eyes were red. I was stunned and I just stood there looking at him.
"Please Will, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. Please can you forgive me?" His words just poured out without a pause.
I couldn't speak. I was still too stunned to make out what was happening.
"Please Will, speak to me. I know I was an idiot and a sod. I shouldn't have walked away. I'd like us still to be friends. Could you forgive me?"
"Philip ... How long ... How did you find ... " were the only words I could find. I never showed Philip where I lived. He only knew the general area but not my address.
Philip started to weep and he knelt down in front of me. "Please," he sobbed, "don't hate me. I don't know why I ran, please ..."
My heart felt crushed. I stooped down and grabbed his shoulders, "Philip, don't cry, let's get to my flat. We need to talk."
Philip stopped crying. He looked at me and nodded. There was hope on his face.
We talked for more than an hour. Mostly we shared our feelings. He shared the fear that overcame him when he first heard the news, how he realised he'd turned away a friend and subsequently how guilty he felt about the whole incident. I shared with him my initial hope of how he'd react and the hope crashed when he walked away. I also shared how Michael and Martin's presence during the weekend helped me to look at the whole issue objectively. I even told him how I reasoned that someone who couldn't accept me as I am was not really a friend. As I explained how I tried to come out of the situation, Philip's eyes became redder. We also talked about each other's fears. Then came the moment when I realised I had to come out to him. He sounded surprised but he did not get angry or become frightened.
"Will, I guess that I'm the hypocrite here. I've many fears in me. You faced your fears and told me about your HIV status and now you've conquered another obstacle by telling me that you're gay. I've been keeping everything inside, only letting you see what I'd like you to see. There's something I've been keeping from you, too. I'm also gay. You're the only person who knows this. You're the first person that I've come out to."
I looked at him and then gave him a smile, "Guess we've conquered some obstacles today. Philip, I'm glad and honoured that you're telling me this. I understand how you feel."
Philip looked appreciatively at me and gave a small smile. "Thank you for not hating me. I'd spent the whole of yesterday and today anxious about the situation. I was so afraid that you'd hate me."
"No, I don't hate you. Let's not talk about the past. I just want to know how you managed to find my flat?" I asked.
"The telephone book," he answered. "There are quite a number of people with your name. Luckily I had your number and found the address pretty quickly. Then I got a cab and told the driver the address."
I should have known. It was a simple thing to find an address.
"Friends?" I said, extending my hand.
"Yes, friends!" he said taking hold of my hand firmly. "What the hell, I need a hug," he said as he pulled me to him and hugged me. He was shorter than I was but it didn't matter to both of us. We'd saved our friendship.
As I look at the way we made up, it was strange. There was no outburst of anger or rejection. We just talked and made up. It seemed almost unreal. What was more amazing was that after that day, we became closer friends. I made it a point to share my early life with him. I told him almost everything. What I left out were the details to the seedier part of my life that sounded more like pornography than sharing of my life. He also shared with me his growing up, the death of his father and his overbearing mother. Our histories were so different and yet we clicked. I suppose the phrase "opposites attract" is the principle at work here.
Another few weeks went by and we were greeted by the cold that comes towards the end of the year. The wintery wind was already blowing but the snow had not arrived. It was Philip's first time in London in winter and I taught him everything I knew. Winter at his place was cold but not as freezing as in London. He had brought with him some woollen sweaters but I knew that they were not enough. Both of us took a day's leave to go shopping. Most people would be shopping for Christmas, but we were shopping for Philip's first winter in London. It was then that I found out how tight his budget really was. We managed to get some good stuff at bargain prices and we brought the parcels back to his room. His landlord laughed when he saw the parcels. When Philip explained why he had to buy so many things, his landlord laughed all the more.
After that we went out for dinner together. After that, we went to Larry's. Philip had another surprise for me. He ordered a second pint after the first.
"Wow, you've been practising with the ale, haven't you?" I asked.
He grinned, "I've been drinking after work in the restaurant. Mr. Farnsworth, my boss, sits down with me with a pint. At first it was difficult, now I think I can hold one pint without any problem."
"Are you sure you can handle the second pint?" I asked. I was concerned that he might end up drunk.
"I promise not to finish the pint if I can't. At the moment, I feel fine."
"OK."
He didn't finish his pint, he kept his word and stopped. He said he could feel a little high but would be alright after a while. We continued talking for about another half an hour before he announced that he was fine.
As we parted, I could see that the new sweater that he was wearing was not going to be enough when it finally snowed. I made up my mind to rectify the situation.
I knew that he wouldn't accept something new and so I went to a thrift shop selling second hand clothes and carefully chose a macintosh that was one size too small for me. It would be a little big for him, but at least it could pass off as something I couldn't wear. I brought it with me with me for lunch two days later. Like before, we met for lunch and I gave him the macintosh wrapped in paper.
"What's this?" he asked.
"An old mack," I answered truthfully. "I thought you'd need something when it finally snows. You'd probably find it a little too big, if you can't find anyone to alter it for you, I could ask Mrs. Lowry, the lady who comes in to clean up my house."
"Thank you, Will. I'll ask Emily first if she knows someone who knows anyone. If she doesn't I'll get back to you. It seems that I've been troubling you quite a bit."
"What trouble?" I asked.
"You brought me shopping when you could've been doing something else. You took the trouble to get this out from your store and you wrapped it up."
"If you put it that way," I said, giving him a grin.
"It's not that I don't appreciate it. I do. I treasure every minute I spend with you. Sometimes I feel guilty though."
"Why?"
Philip sighed before he replied, "I realise that I'm spending a lot of time with you. I must be taking up most of your time and I think that you spend so much time with me that you don't have much time left to make new friends and keep up with the other friends you already have."
What Philip said rang of truth. Ever since we made up, I've not gone out of my way to look for new friends. I still keep in touch with the couple that I knew from Larry's and the still have my jogging friends. I've not met with Michael or Martin for quite some time because Martin's brother had come for a visit for a few weeks and they'd been keeping him company.
I smiled at Philip as I said, "Philip, don't feel this way. I like going out with you. If a new friend comes my way, I'll make his or her acquaintance, I promise. However, until then, I'll spend time with you. The interesting thing about our friendship is that we're still discovering more about each other. So, don't feel guilty. You haven't done anything wrong."
Christmas came round the corner and I wanted to invite Philip up to Worchester for Christmas dinner with Gabe's family. However, he had already promised his former teacher to spend Christmas with her family. Christmas eve fell on a Sunday and so I had a long weekend holiday. I wished him a Merry Christmas on Friday at lunch. I took the Saturday morning train back to Worchester.
I decided to come back to London early on Boxing Day. I felt the need to rest after all the festivities before going back to work. As I left the station, I sensed something wrong. My head was feeling heavy. Just before I entered the building, I sneezed. I began to be afraid. I might've caught a cold. The clinic wouldn't be opened until the next day. I accessed the situation in my head as I entered my flat. I'd self medicate until the next day when I'd go to the clinic. The situation wasn't that bad. If I became worse, I'd have to go to the hospital.
I took a hot shower and then changed into some warm clothing. The radiator was not warm enough, so I took out an electrical heater and turned it on. Then I took some asprin for the headache. Then my doorbell rang. I wondered who it could be.
"Philip, what a surprise!" I exclaimed when I saw that it was him at the door.
"I was a little bored and so I decided to try my luck." When he saw me looking a little pale, he said, "What's wrong Will? You look under the weather."
"I got a cold, that's all!"
Philip came in and felt my forehead. "You've got a fever! For others it may be okay, but for you, you're not. Let's get you to a hospital!"
"Don't panic. Calm down. I know what I'm doing. I've taken the medication I need to take. I'm just going to rest and then I'll go to the clinic tomorrow morning."
Philip looked concerned, "Has this ever happened before?"
"No, but I did put this hypothetical situation to the doctor. He said that if it was not serious, I could self medicate. If it was or if it got any worse, I'd to get into hospital. I have a letter which I must present to the hospital and they'd know what to do."
"Let me stay with you tonight then," Philip offered.
"You don't have worry about me," I assured him. "I feel slightly sluggish. Otherwise I'm fine. I'm sure it'd pass."
"I feel better if I'd stayed. What if you become too weak to get up, how are you going to call anyone?"
I admit that I didn't think of that. However, I also didn't want to trouble Philip. Where would he sleep? I have only one bed and it was snowing and cold, and I didn't have a sleeping bag.
"There's no need, Philip."
"I'd won't be able to sleep tonight if I didn't know how you were. I'm not going to take no for an answer. You get to bed right now and I'll figure what to do next. If you need anything, call!" Philip shooed me to the bedroom and told me to get to bed.
I gave up. Philip was really insistent and I wasn't in the frame of mind to get into an argument with him.
I didn't know how I got there, but I woke up in a daze. My head was groggy and there was someone gently slapping my face. As my eyes adjusted themselves, I saw faces that I didn't recognise. It took a while to register that I in a hospital. There were one man and three women looking at me.
"What's happening?" I asked weakly.
There was some movement in the room and I heard the man saying, "Good! He's awake. Decrease the dosage of ..."
"Good evening, Mr. Duncan," I heard another voice on my right say. "You're a very lucky man." I turned to look and found a good-looking woman, probably in her forties, talking to me. "You had an extremely high fever and your friend brought you in. We managed to lower your temperature using an ice bath and some drugs. We've got some blood samples and we should be getting the results of the tests any time now. By the looks of it, the worse is over, we just have to see if your T-cell counts have been affected by the cold."
"Letter from Dr. Morley ..."
"Yes," the doctor smiled, "we have that letter. Good thing, too. Your friend gave us the letter and we were able to contact Dr. Morley and also know of your HIV condition. The crisis is far from over. As I said before, your blood tests will tell us what the situation is like." A nurse said something to her and she nodded her head and left me.
"Can you swallow?" the nurse enquired.
"Yes," I answered.
"Take these. They'll help your resistance." I took the pills from her and swallowed them with a mouthful of water.
"Is my friend still here?" I asked.
"Yes, but he cannot come in yet. He is actually watching you from the window there," she said, pointing to a window at the side. I saw Philip standing there. I gave a weak smile and he waved at me.
"When can he come in?"
"I don't know. The doctors are waiting for your test results, I suppose."
"What's the time now?"
"Well, its about nine o'clock. You came in at about seven this evening. Now you should try to get some rest." I nodded my head and closed my eyes.
The next time I opened my eyes, I was in a different room and someone in a surgical gown was beside me. From his eyes, I could see that it was Philip.
"Philip! Thanks but ..."
"The nurses made me wear this. It seems that your immune cell count is down. They didn't want me to pass any germs to you. At first they were reluctant to let me come in, but I just wanted to see that you were okay. They gave me ten minutes. I've only about three minutes left."
Something in me emerged. I realised that Philip was the only person I wanted near me at the moment. I knew that he'd be chased out soon and I realised how much Philip meant to me.
"Are you prepared for the worst, Philip?"
"Don't talk like that. You should think positively!" he chided.
I smiled. "My cell count is down. It could mean that I have AIDS now. I've been living with this for eight years. I started denying my condition when it first started. Then it was fear of getting full-blown AIDS. Then I isolated myself when I realised that it was a matter of time. It was only recently that I realised that even if AIDS was a matter of time, I should live to the fullest whatever time I had left. I realised this after we met a few months ago. So I'm not afraid of what happens now."
"Still, it's not certain until it's certain!" Philip said. I could see he was struggling not to cry.
The nurse came in to tell Philip to go.
"Five more minutes, please?" I requested.
She nodded, realising that I was awake, "Alright, but no more. You need your rest."
"Thank you." I replied.
"Maybe I should let you rest. I'll see you tomorrow." He turned towards the door.
"Wait Philip," I said. He turned around. I continued, "Please, there's something I need to say. As I said, I don't know how long I have but I know that if I don't say it now, you may never know how I feel."
Philip nodded and I could see tears in his eyes.
I spoke slowly. "If I die tonight, Philip. I'll die without regrets. If you're with me at that time, I'll know I've been blessed. Your eyes brought me to my senses and I hope they're the last things that I see. But if I make it through, if I live to see tomorrow and after, all I want is to be with you. The truth is, you make me very happy, Philip. You make me feel alive. Every moment that I'm with you, I feel truly alive. Every moment that we share together is precious to me. Every moment seems to get better and better."
Philip was visibly weeping now. He wiped his tears and struggled to remain calm. Then when he was able to speak he said, "Will, I didn't know that my friendship meant so much to you. I also care for you and I feel good when I'm with you but it pains me to hear you talking about death. We've just been friends for less than four months. I don't want it to end."
"This is just one moment in time that's been given to you and me. This is the moment that I've chosen to seize and I'm not going to let this moment pass by. I want you to know that I love you. You're probably the very first person that I've truly loved. I'm not saying this to make you feel sad. I'm saying this because I want you to be happy; happy because you're loved; happy because you're loved by me. Philip, I wish that you'd understand that being loved is a happy thing. I'm feeling very happy because I'm loved by you."
"Will, what are you saying? You love me? Surely you mean that you treasure my friendship; that you like being friends with me."
"No Philip, what I feel is beyond friendship. It's friendship and more."
Philip was looking distressed. "You're tired," he offered. "When you wake up tomorrow, you'll think better."
I heart was sad that he'd chosen not to accept my love and yet, after knowing him all these months I was not surprised. Philip had a very low self-esteem. He shared with me how he felt that he'd never be able to find that special someone because he's not good enough. I'd tried to encourage him, but he didn't seem to accept it. He was constantly telling me how good-looking I was and how much I better of I was. I was not surprised that he didn't believe what I was saying.
I made one last attempt to get throught to him. "Philip, I'm not asking you to love me back. I just want you to know how I feel. You could choose to believe it or not, but at least you heard it from me."
The nurse came in to tell Philip that he'd better go.
As he was leaving, I made a small request, "Philip, could you leave a note at the flat for my housekeeper, Mrs. Lowry." He nodded and left me alone in the room.
After he'd left, I was left alone to my thoughts. In reality, I didn't care if I'd made a fool of myself. Philip was a true friend and I loved him. I've never known gay love, only gay lust. I'd looked at many men with only one thing in my mind: sex. Philip was the first person that I felt comfortable with. He was the first person that I had connected with emotionally and spiritually. I must admit that I'd not thought about sex with Philip before. I didn't lust after him but I knew that if he wanted a blow job, I'd give it to him without adversion. Yet, I know that sex with anyone protected or otherwise had to be very seriously considered. The last thing I want to do is to infect Philip. I don't know how long I ran these thoughts over and over in my head. I dozed off.
to be continued
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