Chapter 2: My self-discovery
Over the years I had visited Berlin nearly every opportunity I had - excitedly introducing friends to the ever evolving bars and clubs, which would often disappear as soon as they sprang up. I was the person who was always thirsty to find a new spot, to taste a new drink, to experiment with a new drug. I wanted to live and this city offered so much for a fresh-faced guy like me. I had visited numerous times in winter, spring, summer and fall. And if anything was obvious - this town was a place of great contrasts. The winter months were dark, cold, snowy and - to many people - depressing, unless like me you knew where to find the party. Summer was a whole other story though. Bars spilled out on to the streets, party nights moved from clubs to outdoors to people's apartments and you could spend the whole weekend partying if that was your desire.
I'd joined several online groups and had already met up with several of my future classmates. I was buoyed to find it was a heady mix of young, fun explorers like me and I was well-settled after only the first week of my move. Following my first Sunday night at WHOLE, my sexual desire had be temporarily satiated as I concentrated on the more innocent and conventional hedonism that had defined the past few days. The entire Monday of that week had been a complete write-off. I had crawled into my own bed well after sunrise and didn't emerge until late into the afternoon. My muscles ached and my body was drained from the intensity of the experience I'd had the previous night.
I was surprised that my asshole felt fine though, even better than ever. I worried previously that my hole would get damaged or I'd get a tear if I pushed myself too far - it was likely this barrier that had kept me from exploring my desires up until now. As it was, there was a slight tingling at times when I squeezed my sphincter; I noticed that it took more effort now to really tense as tight as I could have before, but the main thing was that I had a brand-new awareness of my hole. As I walked around the apartment, the image in my mind of an open orifice between my legs was constant and I couldn't shake it off. I loved the idea that I had an opening between my legs that I could allow objects or even men to enter through. Seeing Timo's lust at interacting with my swollen asshole only served to intensify these desires.
Since that night, I hadn't engaged in any kind of encounter though. Psychologically I had needed these few days to let my feelings settle and ruminate in my mind. The same thoughts had made me anxious before in the past, but now - after the ecstasy of Sunday's tryst - I felt like I was coming to terms with a part of myself I had previously kept suppressed. I had no reason to be ashamed or embarrassed - I knew now that I could share this side of myself, not only for my own enjoyment but also to give others the chance to realize their own desires.
During those days, Timo had shown his willingness to keep in touch. I guessed he had to be about twice my age, yet he was probably in equally as good shape as I was. Until that time, I hadn't ventured much outside of my own age-range, but I knew with almost certainty that I couldn't have had that same encounter with a guy of my age. Timo had experience and knowledge that far outstripped my own, and it would only be by being with someone like him that I would push the limits of my quiet, fermenting desires. We messaged frequently but with a busy schedule of his own, he had not yet suggested a repeat of that night's pleasures.
As the weekend neared thoughts of sex began to occupy my mind more and more. I decided it would be best to be prepared and set out to find a spot I could pick up the usual supplies - some lube and poppers - maybe some sexy briefs? I wondered to myself. I didn't live far from the traditional gay neighborhood in Sch"neberg, so I dedicated my Thursday afternoon to getting myself set up. It was shortly after Pride - which I had unfortunately missed - and the flags were out in abundance in the Motzstraáe. It didn't take me long to find a sex shop with the supplies I needed. Stepping inside, I instantly caught the unmistakable smell of leather. Looking around, I could see all kinds of materials - masks, harnesses, chains, whips, leather jackets. It wasn't necessarily my kink, but the atmosphere stirred something deep inside me. My eyes soon focused on a large glass cabinet. Inside there were toys of all sizes, shapes, colors, and styles. I was mesmerized.
I couldn't take my eyes off the array of dildos and butt plugs. The range was impressive, but as I knelt down to survey the lower shelf, I was astonished by the sheer mass of some of the larger ones. My mind was racing a mile a minute and I imagined being impaled on something so imposing. The image stirred something dark, deep inside me. As I stood again, I noticed a toy that resembled the plug Timo had used on me the previous weekend. Each one was arranged by increasing girth; mine was labelled - a mere "2 inches (5.5cm)". Looking at this scale of possibility before me, my achievement - while still impressive - felt like only a beginning. In that moment, I knew I had to purchase one. I looked at the options available. There was a beautiful, dark blue cone, labelled "3 inches (7.5cm)" - I thought about it; no - better to start gentle. I would go for a nice deep-red cone that rounded gently at the neck. It's label stated "2.5 inches (6.3cm)". I headed up to the counter to complete my purchase, requesting the supplies I'd originally come in here for.
I couldn't wait to get home. I wanted to get it in my hand and feel it's weight - the excitement distracted me the whole way on the U-bahn train home. As soon as I got in the door, I threw down the bag of supplies, eager to pry my new plug out of its wrapping. It was noticeably larger than Timo's plug, but I judged it to have approximately the same girth as the eggplant. The silicone felt smooth and sexy, and the weight made it heavy in my hand. The cone-shape tapered out widely from the tip until reaching the widest part - all 2.5 inches of diameter; nearly 8 inches of circumference! - then rounding towards the neck which itself was much girthier than anything I was truly accustomed to. I wondered for a moment if I hadn't bitten off more than I could chew. I decided there was no time like the present to find out. I had a free afternoon ahead of me and the sex shop had re-awakened the desire in me for self-discovery.
Like Timo had done previously, I meticulously set up my playground - laying down my towel, getting my lube ready; setting everything up so I wouldn't have to move once I settled onto the bed. I put on some music and lay down - picking up the lube and slowly massaging some into my asshole. I noticed a difference immediately. I slipped a finger inside and then another, there was no resistance. Over the next twenty minutes, I slowly and carefully got re-acquainted my new fuck-hole. Whereas before it has been tight and neat in its resting state, now I felt new lumps, bumps and crevices as I slipped and rubbed around the opening. It welcomed much more of me than before with a much greater ease. I reflected on my new hole for a while with the image of those massive dildos in the sex store on my mind before picking up the butt plug. If I go down this road, I'll be changed forever, I mused, my anus will never resemble the tight, pert hole it previously had. I told myself, there's no going back if I give in to this desire, I'll have to continue as far as this journey takes me. Instead of worry though, I felt excitement at the permanent and eternal nature of what I was inflicting on my anus and with that I began greasing up my brand new sex toy.
Lying on my back with my legs flung back towards my head and my ass stuck out in the air, I lined the tip of the plug up to my relaxed hole and pulled it towards me. I'm not sure how much of it I expected to be able to insert, but I quite quickly met a barrier. Although my external sphincter has been nicely relaxed, my internal ring-muscle was still tense, and with this one I had much less control. I moved gently and gradually, applying then lessening the pressure, gaining only a millimeter or two with each strain. I reached over for the poppers - a fresh bottle of Highrise, which never failed to open me right up. I instantly detected the difference. The pressure became less intense and I could feel my sphincter give much more room to the invading butt plug but still not all of it; it would require a large amount of mental fortitude on my part to take this all.
The sensation of stretching my asshole open in this way was now familiar and it brought a certain degree of psychological pleasure to feel my orifice expand in this way. It also hurt, but I knew that as was the case before, the pleasure waiting on the other side was worth nearly any level of discomfort. I took one more hit on the poppers and yelled out as I pulled the plug towards me. The feeling was excruciating, but a moment later the relief of my sphincter closing snugly around the neck of the plug pushed me into heaven. I collapsed on my side and lay in pleasure on the couch. I was becoming addicted to this feeling of fullness, violation and openness that I could only achieve through my new, beautiful sex-hole.
As I lay still, I willed my sphincter to relax as much as possible, but the spasms came in waves as it tried to close itself from this unfamiliar gape - only to be met with an unmovable object. I endured it as long as I could until the only relief I found was from a fresh hit on the poppers. At length, I decided I would try to stand and walk around - a feat that in itself required some ingenuity. The sensations that racked my body as the plug pushed on virgin territory inside my gut were incredible and walking around feeling like my asshole was gaped turned me on more than I could describe. I had a feeling that I had achieved a kind of state that had been reserved for me yet I hadn't known it. My anus had been waiting to be dilated in this way and I should indulge this as much as possible from now on.
I cancelled my plans for the night as I was drawn ever deeper into my hunger to fill this void that was growing inside me. I spend that afternoon and evening playing; pulling out the plug, only to give in to the desire to re-insert it again and then to see how long I could keep it inside me before the sensation became overwhelming. Like a child with a new toy and with no-one to tell me not to over indulge, I spent that weekend and much of the following week giving into my need for fulfillment - literal fulfillment. Anytime I was at home, I greased up my new friend and pushed it inside, setting myself targets of how long I could achieve being plugged. Ten minutes soon became 15 minutes, which in turn became 20 minutes. With time, I found myself wearing it and forgetting about the time limit - simply taking more hits on the poppers anytime I felt discomfort.
At the end of the first week, I was shocked when I reflected on the evolution of the routine required to slid this toy inside. At the beginning, it had been the limit of what was possible for me and I considered myself wise to have not purchased the next size up. In so little time though, I could now insert it completely after only a minute or two of fingering, a hit of poppers and a slow, steady push.
My anus took on a new importance in my life. I was more careful about my diet, and took care to douche myself self deeply but carefully during each shower. I would massage my newly-deep crevice in the morning upon waking - delighted to feel every lump and bump of my now flexible sphincter. I would lie for a while with my fingers snugly pushed inside, training myself to stay relaxed and resist any urge to tense my ring closed. When a foreign object was inserted in to my hole, there was a mental struggle between my conscious and unconscious minds - one to hold it open and invite the object inside, the other to squeeze tight and push it out. Over time, my conscious mind was able to win this battle every time - overriding any natural reflex to flex my sphincter.
I still wondered about any negative consequences that I could inflict on myself. I noticed that the pressure to shit when I needed the toilet was much more acute and urgent at times. My bowel movements were also more significant in size when I did push them myself instead of douching. I was a little ashamed to say that I took a new pleasure in shitting that I had been oblivious to beforehand. That momentary feeling of my ass-lips parting widely tickled me deep inside. My physical and psychological pleasures were becoming tied every more inextricably and intimately with my asshole - so much so that I had completely stopped jerking off unless it involved anal play too.
Early the following week, I built up the courage to ask to see Timo again. I messaged him. He'd been away for the weekend, and so the question had not some up and I had been drawn into my own world of discovery. We agreed right away.
What have you got in mind?
His message was simple and I knew exactly what I wanted to reply, yet I couldn't bring myself to do it right away. My routine had been the same while dilating my asshole over the past week, I trawled through video after video of amateur porn. I had become enthralled by all the Twitter accounts of men who openly posted footage of themselves being fisted. The thought of me being in their place is what had been driving me on.
I want to be fisted...
I was a little anxious and could feel a knot form in my stomach. Timo's reply came immediately:
Awesome :)
We set up a date for the coming weekend - enough time for me to live with the idea that I was to become a FF bottom; one of those guys I had been simultaneously intimidated and turned off by, yet also in awe of and strangely drawn to for such a long time. Over the next few days leading up to that weekend the urgency to dilate my hole gradually wore off. I waited in anticipation for the encounter that would change the course of my sexual life forever. I knew the moment that I gave my hole over to another man's fists I would have crossed a threshold changing the limits and boundaries of my desires like nothing else before.
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