A Home for Christmas Chapter 6
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"A Home For Christmas 6"
"Aric? Honey, it's Mom." She said on the phone.
"Hehehe! Mom? I don't know any `Mom'. Who is this, really?" I teased, and I could hear her smiling on her end of the phone.
"Don't get smart. Are you ok?" She asked.
"Of course I'm ok." I told her, but joked around a bit more with her while looking over at Blake on the couch. "I just found the motherload of porn in Dad's secret stash in the closet though. There's some seriously kinky stuff in here. I think you two need to have a talk about this."
Blake covered his mouth as he tried to stay quiet, even while he was laughing at me. My mom said, "Don't you try to bait me with your jokes, youngster. You just make sure that you keep that house clean until we come back. Alright?"
"No problem. I'll take care of everything. Promise. Stop worrying so much. I told you, I'll be fine. K?" I asked. "You trust me, right?"
"Yes. I do." She said, rather unconvincingly. "We're just leaving baggage claim, and we're taking a cab to the house. If you want...I can call you when we get there. Just so you can say hello?"
I could hear the tension in her voice, and I'd be lying if I said that there wasn't some part of me that wanted to call a temporary truce and just wish my grandparents a Merry Christmas and let go of the barrier of resentment that was keeping me from doing so...but I didn't. I refused. Not out of anger or anything. It's just...I felt like...if I didn't make a stand right here, right now, then I might never do it. The last thing I wanted was to show up on their doorstep and have them try to `convince' me that the real me wasn't good enough, and try to guide me towards being someone more socially acceptable. It was never my plan to change back to that little boy who lied about liking girls for the sake of being seen as normal by people who don't really care about me. People who I don't care about in return. I've gone beyond that now, if only in my own heart and mind. Why suppress all of my personal progress and evolution just to please people who are worried more about their happiness and quality of life than they are of mine? Sorry...but that's bullshit.
Let them deal with their own fear and insecurities. Don't attempt to smother me with it. I'm already at peace with who I am. And I never once felt the need to change their thoughts on the matter. Live with the real me...or live without me. The choice is up to them.
"It's ok, Mom. You guys have a good time. Bring me home some reshly baked cookies or something. That'd be awesome."
"Aric..."
"Merry Christmas, Mom." I said, cutting her off. Letting her know, in no uncertain terms, that I had no emotional connection to what was going on over there. Period. It's not a feeling that comes from a plac of hate, but from a place of pride. If I can't love myself...how can I ever hope to love anybody else? You know?
There was a brief pause, and she said, "Merry Christmas, honey. Your dad wishes you the same." And shortly after that, we said our goodbyes and hung up.
It was kind of a strange feeling...wondering whether this little ache in the center of my heart came from me making the wrong decision or not. I love my family. I really do. I just think it's hard to tell where their expectations of me end and my personal feelings and future goals for myself begin. It's a really weird head space to be in for any extended period of time.
There really wasn't going to be much of a compromise on my end when it came to me being gay. Sad, but true. I think my parents knew that.
When I hung up the phone, I sat back down and wrapped myself back up in the blanket next to Blake, trying to give him a genuine smile as we attempted to pick up where we left off. But he could already pick up on the subtle change in my facial expression. Or maybe it was my mood in general.
"Looks like somebody poured a cup of dishwater on your cheerful mood." He said. Then asked, "Feel like talking about it? It's ok if you don't. Just figured I'd offer a friendly ear."
It warmed my heart to hear him say that, and I said, "There's nothing to really talk about. It is what it is. There's nothing that I can really do about it. Not when it comes to other people being stuck in their ways for the rest of their lives."
"Yeah. I get that." Blake said. "You know, Aric...there's nothing wrong with you. Either one of us. We are who we are. It's not really up for discussion. Certainly not up for some sort of argument or agenda. I know it seems hard...but once you love yourself for everything that you are, inside and out...the answers become a lot easier to figure out. Promise." He smiled.
"You're just preaching to the choir, dude. Believe me, I know all of that. It's just...I was close to my grandparents, you know? Having them react the way they did...it hurt. I don't think anybody can really understand how much that tore my heart to pieces."
"I can." Blake said, and I cringed at the fact that I was suddenly getting so wrapped up in my own weirdness that I had forgotten that Blake was probably having a much tougher time than I was at the moment. I mean...he was literally sleeping out in the snow covered tundra previously known as Chicago for the past few weeks. He could be huddled up in some random corner of a windowless abandoned building right now, with wet clothes and an empty belly...and I'm ruining his lucky break by droning on about my problems.
"Sorry..." I said.
"For what?"
"Just...we were talking about other stuff a minute ago. My mom and dad just...they stress themselves out a lot. Especially with this being my first time at home alone without them being in town. So..."
Blake's eyes widened. "Wait...really? This is your first time being at home all by yourself?"
"Heh...yeah. Why? Is that bad?"
"Well, no...it's not bad. It's just...I had to stay home by myself since I was about eight years old. No babysitter money, I guess. But I was far from being a troublemaker, I guess. So we had to make the best of what we had working for us."
"I'm sorry, did you say EIGHT??? Hehehe! Damn, dude!"
"I'm a head of my time, bro. What can I say?" Blake giggled. "If this is your first time at home alone, it sucks that you'd have to spend it taking care of ME! We should celebrate or something."
"Celebrate?" I said.
"Fuck yeah! Let's do something special. This is a milestone, Aric." He smiled, the Christmas tree lights dancing around with little colorful reflections in the glory of his bright blue eyes. "We can...ummm...well, we can like..." He stumbled for a minute, and then he got up from the sofa and went to look lout of the living room window. I think he was looking to see something `fun' out there for the two of us to get into, but it looked as though a Winter storm had blown our way, and gigantic flakes of snow were rapidly floating down to the ground, covering the ground, sidewalk, and driveway, in an ice cold powdery mess that looked like it would freeze us solid before we were able to retreat back into the warmth and comfort of my house. "Wow..." He said, almost with a disheartening tone in his voice.
"Do you know how to play pool?" I asked him, out of the blue.
"Huh? Know how to play? Not really. I mean, I've seen movies and stuff, but..."
"Let's go downstairs. You liked the table and stuff, right? We can make up the rules as we go along." I said.
"Ummmm...do you know how to play pool?"
"Nope!" I grinned. "Not really. Hit the ball with a stick, it hits all the other balls and tries to get them to roll into the side pockets. That's all I know."
"Dude, really?" Blake said. "You have an actual pool table in your HOUSE!!! How can you not know how to play? You can come down here and play any time you want to."
"Hahaha! I don't know! It's my dad's table. I just kinda goof around on it every now and then."
"That is a serious tragedy, Aric. You need to appreciate that shit."
"I DO! Just...you know...I never really had anybody to play with before." I said it with a bit of a flirtatious `slide' in my voice, and I was hoping that he noticed it. He definitely diverted his attention away from the snow covered window and the gleaming white storm outside to turn away from the craving impact of my affectionate gaze...but I think that he could feel my attraction to him, regardless. We're two gay boys alone in a house during a blossoming snow storm...this should be an easy `win', right? And erotic gay teen story come true.
So...why aren't we kissing and getting naked already?
I don't know. Maybe this isn't as predictably swift as I imagined it would be. But that's ok. Just being able to laugh and smile with Blake was enough to keep me bubbling over with joy and bliss for now. If nothing else...it keeps some of those violent stomach jitters at bay until I find an effective way to deal with them without losing my freakin' MIND!
"I don't know how to play, really..." Blake said, but he smiled at me and added, "...But we can pretend for a while, if you want."
I smiled back at him. "I'd like that." And we shared another extended moment of eye contact before he said, "Would you mind if I had some more hot chocolate?"
"Oh yeah! For sure! I was thinking of having some more myself." I said. "I'll bring it downstairs as soon as its all warmed up."
"With another marshmallow?" He asked with pleading eyes.
"You got it." I said, and we got up from the sofa, leaving the TV on whatever was playing as Blake wrapped the blanket around him and headed back down into the basement. I grabbed our mugs and made a few more drinks for us, adding a few sugary Christmas sprinkles on the top of the melted marshmallows, and even putting a cool spray of whipped cream on top of of both drinks for a bit of an added bonus to the treat of having your belly warmed with something good and yummy.
The moment that I brought it downstairs and watched Blake take his first sip of the heated liquid, having to stick his tongue out to lick the cream from his upper lip, I smiled with pride. He closed his eyes and just tilted his head back slightly, saying, "Omigod...I can't even imagine what it's like to live like this all the time. Whoah...this is Heaven."
I giggled out loud, and moved closer to him to appreciate the beauty and grace of him as much as humanly possible in that one moment where he could see me perving on him the way that I was. He was truly a miracle in the flesh. He brought my emotional attachment to him to a nuclear threat level with his ever smile, his every spoken word, his every casual brush of his long fingers through the blond locks of his hair. How could anyone ever turn this boy away? Kick him out in the cold? Deny, reject, or even question, who he was as a person? It is so odd to me that anyone could ever see Blake as being anything less than perfect. He's so angelic, you know? I mean that...he's a real angel!
We both started playing pool together. And by that, I mean that we just used the pool sticks to clumsily hit the balls on the table into one another and laugh at our lame attempts to miss every last one of them. Hahaha! Blake and I were just laughing and having one hell of a good time being goofy together and being...you know...friends. And once our bellies began to hurt from cracking up over our severe lack of billiard skills on the table, we both settled down and turned on the TV in the basement to see if we could find something else to watch for the night. Blake reminded me that the TV upstairs was still on, but I told him that I'd just shut it off later. Something that he gave me a sideways look at when I first said it, but eventually leaned back and relaxed beside me.
"Aric...?"
"Yeah?"
"Thank you." He said softly. So very softly. Almost with a hint of shame behind his expression, but delivered with as much personal pride as he could muster. "Really. Tonight, it just...it meant a lot to me." He said.
"It's not like a big deal or anything, dude. I was just...trying to improve my karma. You know, like you said. Heh..."
"No. Really. I mean it." Blake said, a bit more serious than he was just a few seconds ago. "Thank you, ok? I mean...what might seem like a couple of random dollars to you...it means a lot more to me. Especially now that I know I cant really go home again without having to deal with the fact that my parents disapprove of me and everything that I am." Looking sad, Blake lowered his eyes, his voice beginning to tremble with emotion. "I was all on my own. Lost. Confused. And I looked out at the snow storm tonight, and if it hadn't been for you taking me in...who knows what would have happened to me out there? You might have actually saved my life, Aric."
It hurt my heart to hear it. It really did. There's no reason for an angel like Blake to have to suffer from this kind of abandonment from the people he loved and trusted most. That's so fucked up! How hard is it for them to fucking HELP him??? To support him and just love him for who he is? They're his parents! I'd think that loving him unconditionally and giving him strength and wisdom throughout the entirety of his life would be their fucking DUTY as parents!
Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe parents are just regular people who are just as flawed and closed minded and ignorant as the rest of us. How selfish, you know?
"Maybe I just thought you were too cute to die on the street." I grinned. Both trying to break some of the tightening tension that I felt in my heart, and trying to get him to smile for me again at the same time. I'm not all that great at dealing with my own emotions. Even worse at dealing with anybody else's emotions. But...for flirtation's sake, I thought that was kind of cool for my first time. Hehehe, it was spontaneous and off the cuff, but...if I could get Blake to smile, just a little bit...then the brief moment of cheesy embarrassment will have been worth it. Totally.
Uh oh! Is he smiling? Is that a smile? A grin? I'm pretty sure that I see a SMIRK happening right now! Oh wow! THERE IT IS!!! He's smiling!!!!
"Hehehe! Don't be weird." Blake said, his face turning bright red now. Proudly matching the rose colored hue of my own.
"It's not weird. It's the truth." I said. "I mean, I'd make out with you in a heartbeat. No questions asked."
Ok, maybe I was getting a little bit ahead of myself now. But, give me a break. I've never been alone in a room with another cute gay boy before. I'm just bouncing my emotional ball off of the walls around me to see what I can get away with. I can always take it back later if I go too far, right? I mean...can I? God, I hope so.
"Heh..." Blake turned an even deeper shade of red. "I...ummm...I wouldn't say no."
"Wouldn't say no to what?" I asked, foolishly. I honestly wasn't thinking at that moment.
"The...you know...the making out thing." Blake grinned. "NOT that I was, like...well, I mean...I saw you at the strip mall, and I guess...I just always thought that you were cute."
It seemed as if his admission was having trouble penetrating the defenses of my common sense. It didn't seem real. It's hard to explain, but...I was SO hopelessly infatuated with Blake, that the very idea of him thinking that I was cute just didn't seem to fit into my logical experience with the world and life in general. Like...that's not how things work, is it? I'm supposed to chase him down and BEG him to notice me until he breaks down and surrenders to my pathetic level of praise and worship of his very existence and decides to end my suffering with a simple kiss and an affectionate hug. That's all I ever thought would come of me swooning such an untouchable treasure that Blake was. Homeless or not.
And now you want me to believe that he sees me in a positive light? As someone special? That hardly seems fair to every fully evolved wet dream that I've ever had in my life. It's hard to fall into such a deeply satisfying fantasy sometimes, you know? My suspension of disbelief only goes so far.
Instead, I dragged things out with a few jokes, hoping that I wouldn't look like a total sucker and just fall for the idea that a hottie like this would ever give me a second look. I don't want to be the punchline in this joke of emotional obsession. That would hurt. A lot.
"Well, hehehe, I've never kissed another boy before. So you'd probably be wasting your time." I said.
Blake shot back with, "I wouldn't know. I've never kissed another boy either."
"Get out of here! I highly doubt that!" I laughed.
But he said, "It's true. I've been tempted a few times, but I never went through with it. I was always worried that I'd mess up somehow. And I'd mess up my first kiss as well as his. The pressure always scared me away from even trying it."
"So....?" I asked.
"So, if you kissed me right now, and you did it wrong...I wouldn't know the difference anyway. Hehehe, I've got nothing to compare it to."
"Oh." I said. "Ok then..."
There was a long silence between us. An eternal silence where we couldn't even bare to look at one another, and I was determined to push and press all of my emotions as far down into the pit my stomach as I possibly could. Some place where they'd be safe from...whatever this was that was happening to me right now.
I kept trying to tell myself that it wasn't real! I really did! As much as I wanted it to be true, it felt like I was surrendering what was left of my boyish sanity to some sort of fucked up hallucination that was only going to leave me feeling more crazy coming out of it than I did allowing it to consume me in the first place. This didn't feel real. It didn't feel safe.
"Aric...?" Blake asked, his voice shaking slightly as he timidly peeked over at me to see the look on my face.
"Yeah?" I said, almost breathlessly.
Blake was quiet for a moment. An extended pause that made me think that he was going to either clam up or change the subject. Instead, he said, "Do you...?" He seemed really nervous about it, but then cleared his throat and said, "Wanna try?"
"Try?" I asked, my body shaking like crazy now.
"You know. Like...maybe...kissing?" He asked. And then was quick to add, "JUST for practice! I mean...it doesn't mean anything, right? We can just, like...do it. And get it out of the way."
I could hardly breathe at this point, and my mind was running on autopilot, because I didn't know what the hell I was doing here. "I don't know. Do you?"
Rubbing his blond hair for a second or two, he said, "I don't know either. Maybe. Like...we could just...see what it's like. You know, with another boy. And not a girl."
"Have you kissed a girl before?"
"No." He said. "Wait...have you?"
"No. Never." I told him. "So you wanna try, like...this? Like now?"
"Only if you want to." He said.
"I'll do it if you want to do it."
"I only want to do it if you want to do it."
Neither one of us wanted to be the first one to say yes. Bear with us. This whole thing was kind of SCARY from our point of view! But...with the snow storm outside, and the Christmas lights around the basement windows, and our increasing bond with one another over the past few hours...the compelling urge to connect my soft, boyish, lips to his in this chosen moment was almost too much for me to bear. "I think...I mean...yeah. We can try." I said, trembling inside.
"Really? Oh...ok then. Let's just...let's...yeah." He said, trembling as well.
"You ready?" I asked. And Blake paused for a second before nodding. Then he closed his eyes. I kind of thought that he was going to meet me halfway, but his lips were too inviting for me to even consider that an issue. This was going to happen. Right now. Omigod...this is blowing my mind right now!
"M'kay...kiss me..." Blake whispered.
"Ok, on the count of three..." I said.
"One..."
"Two..."
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