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The word homosexual' does not appear anywhere in my high school's handbook, or on its website. The word gay' appears only as part of other words. The school's official policy on discrimination is: "[high school] does not discriminate on the basis of gender, race, color, national or ethnic origin, in the administration of any policy, financial aid, athletic or other school-administered programs." They could have just said that they don't discriminate against anyone on any basis, but perhaps they enjoy being word as much as I do.
I should back up and say more about my high school. I belonged- scratch that, attended a Roman Catholic College Preparatory High School. It was supposedly right up there in the top five high schools of my state in terms of academics. I suppose aside from the uniforms and built in chapel that it was just like any other high school for a lot of kids, but I never felt that way.
I think I knew that I was gay from a very early age. My attempts to hide, have been rousingly successful (at least I think so). If I might brag for a moment, I am a great liar. Plus, are so many ways to hide. The literal: I always chose muted colors for my uniform (we were allowed a selection of button up shirts to choose from: white-yes, blue-yes, yellow-no way, pink-way too gay). I sat in the back corner of class rooms so that no one would look at me during class. The figurative: I tried not to make friends for very long. I was the guy in high school that floated between groups. I never stayed in one place for too long. I was afraid that even though I was always careful, if I was friends with someone for too long some truth might start to leak out, and one day they'd know my secret.
I was raised by Catholics (I don't like to say that I was raised Catholic, it implies to much... complicity on my part), so it is not as though that part of high school was a special Hell for me, it was just more Hell. Communicating wasn't exactly something at which my parents and I excelled, so there was no way I was about to tell them who I was. And friends? Well even If I had friends they could never be told, never. The priests taught us that sex before marriage was a sin, and girls would blush giggling, and the boys would snicker as if to say, Ha, I'll show you Father'. But when being gay came up, the consensus seemed to be, sinners go to hell'.
I got to go online a lot, and my parents were cool enough (or so checked out) that there was no `porno filter' on my computer. This was a bright spot in my life. Obviously it meant a lot of sinning, thank God for free porn. But it also let me do a lot of reading. So I knew the problems that other gay teens that came out in high school had to deal with, the name calling, the beatings, and the occasional religious nut job concerned for their eternal souls.
But here, the nut jobs were all over the place. I was willing to accept that maybe I was being a bit over dramatic, I'm sure not EVERY kid would hate an openly gay person, but there were certainly no test cases so I couldn't know for sure. Like I said, there was no single openly gay student, and there was no school policy to look up (the religious policy was clear- go straight to Hell). I think that assumption was that gays would simply be expelled.
You have to understand, what qualified for diversity in that place was that a real live Indian, who had been born in India, had graduated from here. Three years ago.
Four years is a long time to spend in a place where every single day you feel as though you're being taught to hate who you are. There is no happy ending to this story. No hot boy kissed me during a slow dance at prom - I was to busy pretending to enjoy making out with my date. My best friend didn't come out and reveal that he too loved me - I didn't have a best friend.
I went on to College. I spent four years there, but I spent them the same way I spent my time in high school. I always wore nondescript clothing, I never made more acquaintances than necessary, and I studied - a lot. My heart has still not recovered.
Catholics are masters at teaching one how to feel shame. For many years I was ashamed of who I was. My heart has softened since then, and I am now only ashamed that when I was in high school that I was completely without courage.