A Letter From Marc
One day I got a letter in the mail from an LA county correctional facility. It read:
Dear Nick,
How's it going bro? I know you gotta be surprised to be hearing from me, but you're the only one I could think to tell this to... I know you and Matty were really close. And I know that no one else knew him better than you. So that's why I'm telling you this. That's why I'm writing you. I know this is something that I should be telling my mom, but she's still hurting too much, and I don't want to put her through anymore. But I had to say this to somebody... I'm Sorry. I'm Sorry he's gone. I'm Sorry I took him with me. I'm Sorry it all happened. I know it's gonna be hard, but I need you to try to forgive me. Because I lost Matty too; and I need somebody, anybody, to understand, that if I could, I'd take it all back. If I could, I'd take his place... All I ask is that you try. Please Forgive Me.
Marc, ++++
It happened a few years ago, four years to be exact. Matt and I were just 14. His brother Marc was 17. Marc had always been pretty much a screw up, the total opposite of Matt. And just a few weeks before it happened, Mark had gotten kicked out of school, and subsequently their Mom's house. But no matter how much of a screw up Marc was, Matt still loved his brother, he still looked up to him. But unfortunately that love, that admiration, that Matt had for his brother, was what would kill him.
One night, Marc tried to talk Matty and I into hanging out with him. I was against it from the beginning; and I tried my best to talk Matt out of it. I knew anything dealing with Marc was going to be nothing but trouble. But when it came to his brother, there was nothing much you could say to Matt. So Matty ended up going out with Marc; and I stayed behind. And needless to say, it was the last time I ever saw Matty alive again.
As the story goes, or the headline reads: "Two Brothers Rob a Local Covenient Store, Only one Survives"...
Apparently Matty and Marc had been riding around all night, in a stolen car at that; until Marc got the bright idea to knock over a 7-11. Now the robbery went off without a hitch. They actually got away with it. But, Matty was the getaway driver, and at 14, his skills behind the wheel weren't exactly the best. He was driving so fast, that he ended up losing control of the wheel and, only 3 blocks away from the robbery, the car flipped, about four times. And Matty died instantly. Marc, though, barely had a scratch. Now four years later, four years after he let my bestfriend die, Marc, whose still serving a 6year prison stint for the robbery, is now finally deciding to apologize. And needless to say, it was about four years too late. But something in me made me write him back anyway.
Dear Marc,
It really was a shock to hear from you after all this time. And yeah, Matty and I were close. But I don't think I'm the one you should be apologizing to. And I'm gonna be honest, I don't think after all this time an apology is enough. Now I didn't write you to try to make you feel bad, I'm just trying to be honest. You hurt a lot of people, not just me. And it's gonna take more than just a few words to make up for it. Now I don't know how you're gonna do it, but I wish you the best. And I don't like to hold grudges, so if what you want from me is forgiveness, then you got it. I forgive you.
Sincerely, Nick
Oddly or not, two weeks went by and I got another letter from Marc....
Dear Nick,
You don't know how much it means to me to have your forgiveness. Hell, I'm glad you even wrote me back. Well anyway, I know I have a whole lot to make up for, alot of people to make up to; and I just thought I'd start with you, the closest person to Matty. You know I always liked you. You were really good for Matty, a really good friend. You were a better bro to him than I ever was. I'm glad he had somebody like you in his life. I wish I had someone like you in my life back then. I guess then maybe I wouldn't be in here and Matty would still be alive. Man I really do miss Matty a lot though... I was thinking, maybe, if its not too much, I'd like to write you again. I don't know, I just thought, maybe, having you out there, will be like having a piece of Matty back, that I know will always be there. Well anyway, that's a lot to ask. Forget it. But thanks again for hearing me out.
Marc. +++++
After reading that letter, I was a bit taken aback. I was actually, for a minute, beginning to feel bad for the guy. And I know as much as I miss Matty, and how much it hurts me, it has to be 10 times worse for Marc. I don't know how he's living with himself, how he's able to sleep at night. But, for some reason, I wanted to find out... So I wrote him back.
Dear Marc,
I guess, It'll be ok if you want to write me again. I know it's been alot to deal with. And I know it's probably been harder on you than anyone else. Nobody should have to go through that, especially not alone. So if you need to talk, I'm here....
Nick.
And I was. I was there for Marc. And strange enough, he was there for me. It was like we could talk about anything, just unload on each other, without any judgment, without any expectations. It was like we were beginning to fill those voids in each other, that Matty had left behind. I mean, we had always been cool. I could never say I hated the guy, even after Matty. But it seemed like this shared grief, this shared pain that we both have over losing Matty, is now, four years later, bringing us closer. It's actually helping us become maybe even friends, maybe even closer friends than I actually was with Matty. And now I'm kind of glad that I wrote back to that first letter from Marc.
A week didn't go by that I didn't get a letter from Marc. Sometimes it was simple enough. "How's things going?" "What have you been up to?". We'd, of course, often talk and reminisce about Matty and our lives in and out of prison. But eventually our letters, our conversations started going in a different direction...
Dear Nick,
I've been thinking about you alot this week, Matty too. But mostly you. It's like every spare minute I get, I think about you. And, in here, those spare minutes really add up..... But it's crazy, because I still see you as that little kid hanging out with Matty all the time. But, I guess you're grown up now, you're a man now. And it's weird that I spend so much time thinking about another man. But I can't seem not to. I can't ever seem to get you off my mind; because I find myself thinking about Matty all the time, and of course, automatically you're always there with him. It's like you're one in the same, like you're the same person. And I know that sounds weird, but as much as I miss him, I can't help but to miss you too. And the more we write, the more I think about you, the more I find myself missing you even more.... I miss you bro, alot...
Love, Marc. ++++++
Dear Marc,
I miss you too bro. I know what you mean about it being weird thinking about each other. I think about you alot too. But like you said Matty and I are like one in the same to you. And for me, it's the same. We are Matty for each other. That's how its got to be. And whether I'm grown up or not, that doesn't have to change. But that doesn't mean I don't miss you [Marc], all the same.
Love you too, Nick
P.S. Here's a pic, so you don't have to keep thinking of me as a little kid.
++++++
[The picture I sent Marc was of me and my girlfriend at the beach earlier that summer.]
A week later...
Dear Nick,
Thanks for the pic. Guess you really did grow up. But I still see that cute little kid I knew way back when. But bro, you're all buff now. lol. You sure you're not the one in jail all day hitting the weights.? I bet you're a killer with the ladies, huh. And speaking of ladies, is that your lady in the pic? If so, you did good bro. She's hot. Well anyway, again, thanks for the pic. It's so great to get to see you, even though it's not in person...
Love you, Miss you Marc. +++++
A few weeks later I wrote back.
Dear Marc,
Sorry it's been a while. I've been a bit busy with school and stuff lately. I hope you didn't miss me too much. But yeah, how's it been? Like I said, it's been a little crazy for me, with school and work and stuff. Oh and yeah the girl in the pic, she's my ex now. Things just didn't work out between us. But yeah, we lived together, so I had to find a new place. But on the upside, my new place is a bit closer to you now. So maybe I can come visit you, if that's ok. Well anyway, this is my new address... Hopefully I can see you soon.
Love Nick. +++++
Promptly a week later, Marc responded:
Dear Nick,
It's no problem at all. I know sometimes things get crazy. And I'm sorry to hear about you and your lady. Shit happens, I guess...... But anyway if you're serious, I'd love for you to come visit me. The sooner, the better.
Marc. ++++++
The next weekend, after being approved to be on Marc's visiting list, I went to see him. I was nervious as hell. Not so much of going into a prision, but just of seeing him. It had been over 5 years since I had seen Marc and, over the last year, we had gotten really close. So close, that I no longer saw him as the same person I knew all those years ago. I no longer saw Marc as that screw up, that loser, that coward that got my bestfriend killed. I mean now, I saw him as my friend, my bro, as the one person, that despite not physically being able to see for years, knew me better than anyone else ever has. I mean, I loved the dude. I was just so nervious and anxious to finally get to see him.
As I sat there in the almost eerily cold visitation room, after being processed and signed in, I felt chills run through my entire body. My mind was spinning. I was nervious as hell. I wondered what I'd say to him. Would I hug him or should I shake his hand? I wondered what he'd look like. Would he still look the same? Would he be bigger, or smaller? Fatter, maybe? My mind was going over every possibility, as I sat there and waited. And then I heard the door buzz, and a line of prisoner filed in. Then suddenly I turned around, and there he was....
He still looked the same. About 6"2', a little buffer than I remember. Hell, he was fucking jacked, but that's prision for you. But he still had those same green eyes, and that golden brown skin, and those dimples. And his smile was amazing. He smiled so hard, so bright, when he saw me. And I did too. I so badly wanted to get up and hug him, but it all happened so quickly, and I was so distracted staring at him, that he was sitting down across from me, before I had a chance to.
"What's up little bro?" He said to me with a wink.
It was so crazy. I was so happy to see him, so excited, that I couldn't even say a word. I just sat there with this stupid grin on my face like I was slow or something.
"What's up bro? What you lost for words now?" He said to me with a little chuckle; and I just kept smiling like an idiot.
"Um yeah I guess I am." I said finally getting it out. "Hey man."
"See there you go. Was that so hard?"
"No. It wasn't." I said still smiling from ear to ear.
For the next hour, we sat there and talked, about everything. About my life, about his in prison. We literally talked about everything, even the little things. He told me how I looked way better in person than I did in the pic I sent him. He called me a pretty boy. Man I was blushing so hard when he said that. And I hated myself so much for it... I told him that he looks just as good as he did back in the day. He said, tell him something he didn't know. He was still a cocky bastard. And funny, and charming. I was just glad prison didn't change that about him. Then he broke the news to me. He told me that he was getting out soon. I was more than excited, more than ecstatic, probably happier than he was. But before I knew it, the hour was up. Our visit was over. And this time, I wasted no time at all getting up and wrapping my arms around him, and embracing him. And he did the same. And it felt so good. It felt so right being in each other's arms. And before we let go, I told him I loved him, and he told me he loved me too and it was over. I went home, and he went back to his cell.
The next week I got another letter.
Dear Nick,
Man it was so good seeing you. I didn't want you to go. You don't know how bad I didn't want you to go. But anyway, it wont be long before we get to see each other again. Before I get to hold you in my arms again. Like I told you, I'm getting out soon. And I just found out, that its gonna be sooner than I thought. Just a month. In just a month, I'll be able to see you again. And not in this place. Man in a month, I'm going to be free. And I can't wait to be out of this place. But more than anything I can't wait to see you again... I love you Nick.
Marc. +++++
I know that after that letter, and after the visit we had the week before, I should have been ecstatic that he's getting out. But, in all honesty, now that there's a date, an actually time table on when he'll be out, I'm starting to feel a bit awkward about it. I mean, over the last year Marc has grown to be like a brother to me, maybe even more. But, in the back of my mind, I can't help but think about Matty. I mean Marc is about to get out of prision, in just a month and he'll get to be back in the real world, but Matty wont. Like he said he'll get to hold me in his arms again, but Matty wont. And in my mind, suddenly that's just not ok. I know a long time ago, I told Marc that I forgave him. But now that he's getting out, now that he's going to be free, I don't think I do forgive him. I don't think I ever really did. I think I was just wrapped up and caught up in the idea of him being a part of Matty that I still had. But as I think about it, if he's a part of Matty, then he's the worst part of Matty. He's the part of Matty that, I hate to say, should have died instead. But now, what was I going to do. Because now I've grown to love Marc, all of Marc; but I don't think I ever did or ever will forgive him, as long as I can still say I miss Matty.
I didn't respond to the letter. Needless to say, I had no plans to ever respond to any letters that Marc would ever send again. And in the month before he got out, there were two; and they both went unopened. In my mind if Matty wasn't coming home, if Matty wasn't coming back, then there was no need for Marc to come back either...
It was a Saturday morning, a month later. I decided that I was going to sleep in that day, get some rest. I had had a long week. It was noon, 12:10 to be exact, when I heard my door bell ring. Like I said, I had a long week, I was exhausted, so I took my time getting out of bed and straggling through my apartment, in just my underwear, to the front door. I was so out of it and half sleep, that I didn't even think to put on any clothes or ask who it was at the door, before I opened it. I just opened the door and there he was.
"I'm home baby." He said to me with the biggest smile on his face, when I opened the door. "I'm home bro", he said as he dropped his bag at the door, and stepped inside, wrapping his arms around me, lifting me off my feet. I was shocked, fucking speechless to say the least. I mean, I knew he was getting out but, in my mind I didn't think a month was this soon. And, to make things even more complicated, I definitely didn't expect him to show up here; especially after I didn't respond to any of his letters. When he put me down, I finally spoke.
"Hey. What are you doing here Marc?" I said in a dry, awkward way.
"What do you mean? I told you I was getting out. Aren't you happy to see me?" He asked.
To be honest, I didn't know what else to say, so I forced myself to say yes, though the truth was, I wasn't sure. To be honest I didn't know if I wanted to see him ever again. But for sure, I knew I didn't want to see him free, especially if Matty wasn't. But despite my confusion and possible angst, I still welcomed him. And a big part of that welcoming, was letting him stay at my place for awhile, seeing that he had nowhere else to go.
Having Marc live with me was awkward, to say the least, especially with these contradicting feelings I had for him. It was like I loved the dude like he was blood, but at the same time seeing him everyday, when I could never see Matty again, made me fucking despise his existence. I knew things could never be the same as they were, when he was in jail. But at least it was only temperary.
In the apartment there was always tension. I lived in a one bedroom, so Marc stayed on the sofa in the living room, which meant he was always there, never hard to miss. And just seeing his face made me angry, and upset, and confused. For the first few days, I barely even spoke to Marc at all. And he could definitely tell that things weren't good between us. Despite the last time we spoke, which was the day I visited him in prision and quite a great day at that, he knew something was different. And after a few days, I guess he was over the silent treatment and decided to confront me.
"What the hell is going on with you Nick?" He approached me, more like ambushed me, as I was stepping out of the shower one day.
"What the fuck. How'd you get in here?
"I'm a criminal, remember. I know how to break locks... Now answer the damn question. What's going on? What's wrong with you?" He kept going on.
I was so pissed, so mad, at that moment, that I was about to let him have it all. Tell him, how much I fucking hated him for killing my friend. And how much I wish he never got out of jail. I was gonna tell him that now he had to get the fuck out of my house, before Matty wouldn't be the only brother that'd be dead. But I took a deep breathe and I calmed myself down, before I did something or said something I'd regret. "Ok. Can I at least get a towel first? I'm not used to having other men watch me shower, like some other people I know." I said. Then he walked over and grabbed a towel and threw it at me hard. I could tell he was starting to get angry, or maybe sad cause he knew what was coming.
To be honest, I didn't really want this conversation to be had. I just wanted it all to go away. I just wanted Marc to go away. So I dragged on, and I held off the enevitable as long as I could. I took my time patting myself dry, while Marc stood there watching, waiting for me to say something, waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for his heart to be broken. But eventually my procrastination got to him. And out of frustration or, anger or, lust or, all three, he reached out and he snatched the towel away from me, away from my naked body. Then he grabbed me by the back of my neck, and he kissed me. He thrust his tongue into my mouth, as he held on to my naked body, my naked waist, my naked ass. And though in that moment I fucking hated him, I didn't want him to stop, I didn't want him to let me go. So I kissed back, but I moaned in his mouth "I fucking hate you."
"But I love you." He moaned back. Then he started to cry. I started to cry. And we kissed. And he held me. "I love you. How could you hate me?" He said.And we made our way to my bedroom, stripping his clothes off as we made our way. And though we didn't actually make it to the bed, we ended somewhere on my bedroom floor...
He was on top me. His body felt so good, so hard against mine. I couldn't help but reminisce about the time I went to visit him in prision, and that hug he gave me before I left. How it felt so good, so right. And those feelings, that I had had on that day for him, came rushing back to me like a flood. My body was still wet; and my heart was beating so fast. So was his. It was throbbing in his chest. And our dicks were throbbing up against one another. It was electric. It was hot. I loved it, so much. I loved him, so much. But I hated him just the same. I hated him for what he did to Matty. I hated him for what he did to me, when he took Matty away. "I hate you so fucking much." I said, as he kissed down my body, down my chest, down my abs.
"But you love me too." He said, as he took my dick in his mouth.
"No I hate you. I fucking hate you." I cried, as Marc's lips slowly went up and down my shaft. I closed my eyes, cause I didn't want to look at him. I didn't want to see him. But it felt so good, I couldn't help but moan. It felt so good but I didn't want him here. His mouth felt so good, so wet but I hated him so much, so bad. "I fucking hate you. You killed him." I said, as his lips came up from my shaft and he licked just the tip of my dick, and a string of my precum along with it.
"I know I did, but say you love me." He said, as he climbed back on top of me, and met me with a kiss. "You know you fucking love me." He said. I started crying. He started crying. Then we kissed, and he started between my legs. "You fucking love me. Say you love me." He said as he spread my legs, and placed my thighs on his hips.
"I fucking hate you." I said to him. "I fucking hate you."
"Say you love me." He cried, as his dick lined up to my ass.
"I fucking hate you motherfucker." I said, then I spit in his face. But he didn't wipe it away, he just kissed me. And he cried.
"But I love you." Then he thrust his dick inside me. "I love you. Say you love me." He said as he thrust his massive dick in and out of my hole, slow and gentle, then rough and hard, then slow and gentle, then rough and hard.
I wrapped my arms around his back, and bit my lip to keep from screaming. Oh it felt so good. It felt so right. But I didn't say a word, I just moaned. And he fucked. And I moaned. And he fucked. And he moaned. And he kissed me. And he held me. And he fucked me. And he loved me. And I hated him. I hated him for what he did to Matty. I hated him for being free. I hated him for loving me, and making me love him. And when he came he whispered in my ear. "I'm sorry. I loved Matty. And I love you too. And I'm never gonna stop loving either one of you."
And we laid there, on my bedroom floor. And embraced, and held each other like we did on that visiting day, as if we'd never let go, as if it'd never end. Then when I thought he was sleep, I whispered, "I do love you. I do."
But he wasn't sleep. He heard me. And he whispered back,"Tell me something I don't know, Pretty Boy." And we fell asleep in each other's arms..............
When I woke up, I was alone. It was midnight and Marc was gone. But in his place was a letter.
Dear Nick,
This is the hardest letter I ever had to write. But hard or not I have to write it. I have to tell you how I feel. I have to tell you why I left. Now I know it's been hard, and crazy, and emotional dealing with me. And I know I haven't exactly made it easy for you. But I've gotta go. I've got to go before I ruin you, like I did Matty... The truth is, I love you a lot. But a bigger truth is that I'm no good for anyone. I'm just not meant for this world. I can't deal. I can't do right. I can't do anything right. Not even love, you or Matty. But I guess this is it. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna find myself. I'm gonna go and try to figure out how to be the man I need to be. I know you're thinking, well wasn't that what prison was for. And my answer to that, is no. Prison for me was a punishment. A punishment that I rightly deserved and needed. But being out and knowing that everyday you see my face, I'm hurting you even more, because as much as you love me, I'm not Matty, is just a punishment I can't carry. I can't carry that grief of knowing that I'm hurting you, even when I'm trying to love you. You see what I mean, I can't even love right. I can't even love you without hurting you.
But I meant what I said, I'm never gonna stop loving you. And I know you're never gonna stop loving me either, but as long as you still love Matty, inside you'll always have to hate me just a little bit. And right now, I just rather Matty have your love. But I'll never stop loving you. And one day, when I'm a better person, maybe we can love each other again. Like we did last night. Well anyway, I'm gonna go. But I want you to know, I'll always love you Pretty Boy.
Marc +++++
I cried through the entire letter. I don't think I ever cried so much in my entire life over a single sheet of paper. But I did. Because that was truly the last letter I ever got from Marc. The last I ever heard from Marc. And as I finished reading, I closed my eyes, and I pictured him still here. I pictured Marc still laying here right beside me, holding me in his arms. And I never felt so warm. I never felt so loved. But when I opened my eyes, the reality was that he was gone... And I don't know if he'll ever come back. But at least I know one thing. All I have to do is close my eyes, and I'll see him, I'll feel him, because I love him, and he loves me. And we're never, never gonna stop loving each other...
But for now, I guess I'll just wait, and I'll check the mail, for A Letter from Marc...
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