This story is a work of FICTION. The events described are my own invention. Any similarities to actual events or persons are strictly coincidental. The author retains the copyright, and any other rights, to this original story. You may not publish it or any part of it without my explicit authorization.
This story contains depictions of consensual sexual acts between teenage males. It is intended for mature audiences only. If you find this type of material offensive or if you are under the legal age to read said material; please proceed no further.
Comments are always welcome at: hailcaesar2011@hotmail.com
A Light in Dark Places Chapter 8
"I've told you a hundred times, it's always the same. I wake up with Connor in my arms only it's not really him. He, or whatever it is, leads me out into the water and tries to drown me and I wake up shaking and sweating," I explained.
"I know that Peter but the question is, why are you still having this dream, you've been here for 6 weeks now and though you've made a lot of progress, this dream still haunts you, why do you think that is?" asked Dr. Newman.
"I don't know, if I did, what would I need you for?" I huffed.
"You have an idea though, something you don't want to say, what are you holding back?" asked Dr. Newman.
"It's stupid," I grumbled.
"Peter, it's not stupid, your feelings are never stupid, you know by now that you can tell me anything, what do you think is causing you to have these dreams?" said Dr. Newman.
"Sometimes I think it's Connor, that maybe he's haunting me, that he's angry at me," I sighed.
"From what you've told me, Connor loved you very much, what makes you think he would want to hurt you?"
"I don't know, maybe he's angry, it was my birthday, if it hadn't been for that, we wouldn't have been on that beach, or maybe it's because I didn't go swimming with him that night, if I had, I could have helped him if something had happened," I sniveled.
"Peter there was nothing you could have done, you couldn't help having a birthday and Connor loved you, taking you to that beach was an expression of that love," said Dr. Newman, handing me a tissue.
"Yeah, yeah," I grumbled.
"Do you remember when you first came here, how you wouldn't eat?" asked Dr. Newman.
"Yeah, so?" I asked.
"Why was it that you wouldn't eat?" asked Dr. Newman.
"I told you, I felt guilty, like I shouldn't be eating and enjoying food when Connor couldn't," I reminded him.
"Exactly, guilt, you felt guilty and punished yourself," Dr. Newman explained.
"But I got over that, what's that have to do with my dreams?" I asked.
"The mind is a complex machine, sometimes our subconscious works against us, punishes us for something we think we did wrong," said Dr. Newman.
"I already told you I feel guilty about how he died," I stated.
"Yes, but that guilt lies on the surface, these dreams are coming from somewhere deeper inside of you, they manifest themselves because you've buried it so that it can't come to the surface during your waking hours," said Dr. Newman.
"Well, how do I figure it out then?" I asked.
"Like we're doing now, talking about it, forcing it to the surface," said Dr. Newman, "Let me ask you something Peter, did you ever get into arguments with Connor, fights and such?"
"Well, sure, that's life, I loved him but sometimes he just pissed me off and I would blow up at him," I explained.
"And how did that make you feel?" asked Dr. Newman.
"Good at first, like I was getting it off my chest, then I felt bad because he was sweet and kind and special, and he didn't do the things he did to upset me, it's just who he was," I sniffled.
"There it is again, guilt, he made you mad, you expressed yourself but then you felt guilty about it," said Dr. Newman.
"Yeah, I guess I did," I agreed.
"Peter, are you angry with Connor?" asked Dr. Newman.
"What? Of course not, he died, and I would give anything to have him back," I replied.
"Right but you've said it yourself, he had to talk you into ditching school that day, and you were angry about missing the bus back to the academy," said Dr. Newman, restating the facts of that fateful day.
"Yeah, but he made up for that with, other things," I stated, unwilling to tell him about our love making in the dunes.
"What things?" asked Dr. Newman.
"I've told you, that's none of your business," I huffed.
"I think you're angry with Connor, Peter, furious even," said Dr. Newman.
"I'm not, don't say that," I sniffled.
"He lured you away from school, he was irresponsible and you missed your bus," Dr. Newman continued.
"Stop it."
"He foolishly went swimming in that cold water, alone," Dr. Newman went on.
"Shut up," I practically whispered.
"He went out in that water and his irresponsibility resulted in his death, he left you alone and you're mad at him for leaving you," said Dr. Newman.
"Shut up, shut up, shut up," I exclaimed and bolted from my chair.
I went to the door and fought with it, but it was locked to prevent my escape, during a session like this. I was pulling on the knob and had tears running down my face. Dr. Newman came up behind me and put his hand on my shoulder, I turned and wrapped my arms around him, burying my face in his chest.
"It's alright Peter, calm down," said Dr. Newman, gently rubbing my back.
In the past six weeks, I've grown to trust Dr. Newman, or rather, he had earned my trust. He helped me see that my guilt about eating was ill placed and that encouraged me to tell him about my dreams. We've been talking about them for several weeks now and each time we get to this point, where he tries to get me to see what the underlying cause might be, I break down. As had happened on each occasion, Dr. Newman held me until I was calm, and then dismissed me, also assuring me that we'd talk about this in greater detail the next time we met. Once I composed myself, I walked out into the hall and found Tyler waiting for me.
"How did it go?" asked Tyler.
"You know, the usual," I explained, I didn't really want to talk about it right now.
"Ok then, you want to go for a run?" asked Tyler.
We often went running after our sessions, it was therapeutic for both of us. We were forced to face a lot of demons during our sessions and running together, helped to put them back in their cages.
"Yeah, that sounds like a good idea," I agreed.
Tyler took my hand and held it, held it all the way upstairs in fact. It was an affectionate gesture and a reassuring one, it was also quite innocent. I'd begun to consider Tyler a friend, within days of meeting him, it was only during my second week at the clinic that our relationship became more personal. It was late at night, I woke up from one of my dreams and after calming down, I got up to pee. As I was walking back to my room, I heard a low wimpering, and quickly discovered it was coming from Tyler's room. I looked in and found him, sitting on his bed, clutching Rex, the stuffed dog I'd given him, rocking back and forth, gently sobbing.
I'd seen him cry like this before, the first time was the day I'd arrived at the clinic, the second was at our first group therapy session when he'd explained how he'd been taken advantage of and raped. On each of those occasions, there had been adults there to comfort him. Now we were alone, and he wasn't some strange boy I'd just met, he was my friend and my heart went out to him. I went into his room and sat on the bed next to him, I put my arm around his shoulder and though he bristled at first, he let me keep my arm around him.
I didn't say anything, didn't question him or offer him any platitudes, there were doctors and staff for that. What I thought he needed was a friend, someone who's shoulder he could cry on without any fear of being made fun of or teased, someone who knew how he felt and was feeling it to. I held my friend and stroked his shoulder, eventually the sobbing stopped and his body stopped shaking. I continued to hold him, we sat there silently, whatever demon had come to torment him was gone and I could tell he felt a little shy about me finding him like this. I took Rex out of his grasp and held him for a moment, then held him out in front of Tyler.
"Woof, woof," I giggled, then used the dog to "bite" Tyler's nose.
"Thanks Peter," Tyler giggled.
"Feel better?" I asked.
"Yeah, I'm ok, I just needed to let it out a little, you know?" said Tyler.
"I know all too well," I smiled weakly, "come on, get back in bed.
Tyler got under his covers and I tucked Rex in with him. He looked back at me with those big doe eyes of his and that sweet innocent smile. I don't know what instinct drove me to do it, but I leaned down and kissed Tyler on the forehead, before returning to my room. Tyler never said anything about the kiss but from then on, we hugged a lot, and even held hands from time to time. It was as if we'd learned to read each other's moods and offer comfort when it was needed. That's what I needed now, and Tyler knew it, he held my hand until we got to our rooms and parted to change, before running.
I grabbed some shorts and a t-shirt and quickly shed my jeans and button-down. I was just pulling my shorts on, when Tyler came into my room, in nothing but a pair of black nylon soccer shorts, they hung low on his hips and the waistband of his white briefs stuck out a little. I'd never seen him with his shirt off before and I was entranced by his smooth hairless chest and lean stomach. I stared at him until he brought me out of the trance.
"Hey Peter?" he questioned.
"Huh, what?" I fumbled.
"All my running clothes are in the laundry; can I barrow a t-shirt?" asked Tyler.
"Yeah, of course, help yourself," I replied, gesturing toward the dresser.
I turned around and pretended to be straitening the blankets on my bed. I felt a twinge of guilt for how I'd been looking at Tyler. It felt like a betrayal of Connor and a betrayal of Tyler. The feelings for Connor were obvious, he was the love of my life and I'd just been checking out another boy, as for Tyler, sure he was my age and all, but his sweet nature had me thinking of him as my little buddy. He had also been a victim and the last thing I wanted, was for him to see me staring at him like some kind of perv.
"Hey, what's this one?" asked Tyler.
He'd pulled a navy blue t-shirt with "Whitmore for Senate," and the logo from my dad's last campaign, from the back of the drawer.
"Um, that's from my dad's last election," I replied.
"Your dad's a Senator?" asked Tyler.
"Yeah," I nodded.
"That's cool, how come you never mentioned it?"
"I don't know, I don't like to bring it up, you never know what someone is going to say," I explained.
"That's cool, can I wear this?" he asked, holding up the t-shirt.
"Sure, if that's the one you want," I smiled.
"Great," Tyler smiled, pulling the shirt over his head, "I know what you feel like though, my dad has a job I'm not supposed to talk about either."
"Oh yeah? What's he do?" I asked.
Tyler looked around conspiratorially, as if to make sure no one was eavesdropping, then he walked over to me, put his hands on my shoulders and leaned close to my ear.
"C.I.A.," he whispered.
"Wow, really?" I asked, taken by surprise.
"Yeap, come on, let's go run," smiled the blond.
I followed Tyler down to the front lawn and we ran our usual circuit around the ground. We were both feeling pretty good so we decided to add an extra lap, by the time we were finished, we were sweaty and gross, and that gave me an idea.
"Hey Tyler, you know how you said you'd always been scared to be on a team because you were afraid you might get a boner in the shower with the other boys?" I asked.
"Yeah," Tyler blushed.
"Well, I was just thinking, we both need a shower now, do you want to shower with me, you know, so you can see that there's nothing to be scared of?" I offered.
Tyler was quiet for a minute, as if pondering my offer. I know what you're thinking and no, I wasn't just trying to get my friend naked, I've grown to care about Tyler and I knew this would be a big step for him. He can be so shy and timid at times, but he's 16 years old and he'll eventually go home, he likes sports and he shouldn't have to be afraid to play them just because he's worried about his body betraying him in the showers.
"Ok," Tyler practically whispered.
"Don't be nervous, it's going to be fine, you'll see," I said, putting my arm around his shoulder, as buddies do.
We ran into Wendy on our way into the building, she was going to sit out on the lawn and draw for a while and asked us to join her. I told her that we had to clean up and we'd see her later. Wendy is still an enigma, I don't know what brought her to the clinic, or why she's attached to me but I've grown to trust her like I trust Tyler. Aside from Dr. Newman, they're the only ones I've felt comfortable opening up to about my deceased boyfriend. Tyler had relaxed, while we talked with Wendy, but tensed up again, as we headed upstairs. Nervous though he was, he did grab his bathrobe and meet me in the hall.
It was 3:30 in the afternoon which meant that most of the other patients were in session or engaged in some kind of activity. There were lots of activities to occupy our minds but Tyler and I usually chose to run in the afternoons. The important thing was that the other kids were busy, we didn't have to really worry about anyone interrupting us in the communal shower and I thought Tyler would feel more comfortable with just me. When we got to the bathroom, I took off my t-shirt, shorts and undies, then hung them on a hook, next to my robe. Tyler stood there, his arms crossed shyly over his chest, holding his robe, while he looked down. Once I was naked, I saw him sneak a peek at my boy parts, then look back at the ground.
"Come on Tyler, you need to strip," I informed him.
He didn't move, so I reached out and gently pulled his robe away from him. I hung his robe next to mine and turned back to find him with his arms still folded over his chest, it was clear that he was facing a deep seeded phobia, but I was determined to help him.
"Ok, let's start slow, just take off your t-shirt," I coaxed.
"I'm scared, Peter," Tyler sniffled, then wiped a tear out of his eyes.
"I know you are buddy, but it's going to be ok, let me help you," I stated, as I grabbed the hem of his t-shirt to pull up.
He didn't resist but he didn't help either, that took more coaxing.
"Ok, arms up," I smiled.
He hesitantly raised his arms and then I took his shirt off, he immediately crossed his arms again, as if to hide his boyish body. It was a little frustrating, showering with other guys had never scared me and I was tempted to just yank his shorts and undies down, then push him under the showerhead, but I knew better than that. This was Tyler's phobia, it didn't matter that it didn't scare me, it scared him and I treated him gently. I also knew that if I did try to pull his shorts down, he might flip out, and I can't blame him, the last guy to pull his pants down had hurt not only his body but also his soul.
"Tyler, I'm not going to take your shorts off for you, I've helped you all I can, I'm going to take my shower now, the next step is up to you," I explained, then turned towards the water.
"Hey Peter," Tyler called.
"Yeah buddy?" I asked, turning to face him.
"You forgot your glasses," he stated, with a weak smile.
"Damn it, I always do that," I blushed, then put my glasses on the counter.
I went into the shower and turned on the water, I closed my eyes and let the warm liquid wash over me and a moment later, I heard the other shower come on. I turned and saw Tyler, naked, facing the wall, his arms were still wrapped tightly around his frame, but he was in the water, he'd come that far. I ignored him after that, he'd made great progress but much like a frightened rabbit, I didn't want to spoke him. I took a long shower, nothing feels better then hot water after a good run; you can almost feel it easing the tension out of your body.
The next time I turned to look at Tyler, he was washing himself and I couldn't help smiling at him, I was proud of him. Tyler smiled back but then almost immediately started to blush a deep red, almost purple. I looked down and saw that he'd gotten hard. My first instinct was to giggle, his stiffy was cute, but I knew that would embarrass him and probably set back his progress. Instead, I looked at Tyler, and I had to admit he was adorable, I also thought about Connor and the first time he'd ever kissed me, I started to get a boner myself. Tyler smiled again, finished his shower, then grabbed his robe and quickly headed back to his room. I couldn't help but laugh at my buddy but once he was gone, my eyes teared up, thinking of Connor, and that intimate moment when he'd first expressed his love for me, was difficult. It was a good memory though and the tears had a cleansing effect, when the water works stopped, I got out of the shower and dried myself off.
I spent the rest of the afternoon in my room, reading, it seemed unfair that on top of everything else happening in our lives, we still had homework to do. When it was time for dinner, I walked out into the hall and ran into Tyler, he blushed at first but then giggled and smiled. He didn't mention anything about the shower and we walked down to the dining hall and joined our friends like normal. He seemed ok, and I was glad that maybe I'd helped him a bit. After dinner we spent our usual evening in the arts and crafts room, and at bedtime we went back upstairs.
I slept soundly at first but as usual, the nightmares came and I woke up in a cold sweat. Once I stopped panting for breath, I got up and went down to the bathroom to splash some water on my face. I felt a tingling in my bladder and sat down to use the toilet when, all of a sudden, I heard this horrific wailing, a split second later, I realized it was the fire alarm. I scrambled to pull up my pajama bottoms and underwear but ended up tripping over them and whacking my head on the stall. While I was in the bathroom, staff and the other patients, quickly exited the building and began to gather, in large clumps, on the front lawn. Wendy was in hysterics when she encountered Tyler.
"Tyler, where is Peter?" she shouted.
"I-I don't know," he admitted.
"Where is he, his room's right across from yours," she stated, taking him by the shoulders and shaking him frantically.
"PETER, PETER," she began to scream.
"Wendy, I'm sure he'll be ok," said Tyler, trying to calm her down.
"PETER, WHERE ARE YOU!?" she shouted.
I hadn't knocked myself out, when I hit the wall with my head, I'd just been dazed. As soon as I stood up, I pulled up my pj's and joined the other patients on the front lawn. Wendy practically tackled me when she saw me; she threw her arms around me and nearly cracked my spine with a bear hug.
"Oh Peter, oh thank god," said Wendy, then she started running her hands all over my body, looking for injuries.
"I'm fine Wendy, geez," I said, somewhat embarrassed by how she was treating me.
"It's all right children, it was just a false alarm," Dr. Collins yelled from the front steps, "everyone back to bed, there's nothing to worry about."
Everyone groaned at the annoyance of being woken out of a dead sleep like that and started back towards the building, everyone but me and Wendy that is. She still had me in her grasp and her hands were shaking violently.
"It's ok, you're ok, it's ok," said Wendy, as if she was talking to herself, not to me.
"Wendy quit it, will ya," I complained.
She caressed my face with her hand and started stroking my hair.
"You're fine, you're just fine," she repeated.
"Wendy, damn it, stop, you're scaring me," I said, a little more harshly then I'd intended.
Wendy pulled away from me, looked at me with this heartbroken expression, then covered her mouth and ran back towards the building in tears.
I stood there, feeling like a prize asshole and wondering what that had all been about. Wendy had kept the secret of why she'd been placed in this clinic and why she was so attached to me, for a long time. I had no idea why the fire alarm had set her off but I had a feeling I was about to find out.