Hi! Here's Chapter Four ... I hope you like it. Much thanks to everyone who's e-mailed me, I appreciate it more than you may believe. Feedback is always welcome, you know the disclaimer ...
"JC, we have to talk about something," Justin said, closing the door to their room. He had just returned from breakfast with Lance.
JC looked up from his sheet music. "Sure, what is it?"
"It's about the other guys."
"What about them?"
Justin sat down on the bed. "When was the last time you did something with Joey?"
"The last time? The photo shoot yesterday."
"No, I mean, when was the last time you hung out with him. I mean, the last time you really hung out with him. For fun. On our free time."
"What free time?" JC joked.
"I'm serious, JC."
JC paused in thought. "I'm not sure ... maybe sometime last week? When we went to that one club and he met that one blond girl?"
"Yeah, that's what I thought. I haven't done anything with Joey or Chris since last weekend."
"What's this all about?" JC wanted to know.
"Josh, we're ignoring our friends. You know how much I love you, and the time we have together, but I just talked with Lance and I didn't realize it before, but we're kind of shutting the other guys out. Or at least we're making them feel like they can't hang out with us."
JC bit his lip. "Yeah, you're right. Shit."
"I never wanted to be one of those people who forgot about everything important for one person," Justin said. "But I guess if you find the right person, anything can happen."
"I wouldn't know," JC replied.
Justin's jaw dropped and JC started to laugh. "I'm just kidding, honey," JC said. "Isn't that why you love me? My stunning sense of humor?"
JC moved over to the bed to sit with Justin. "I've found the right person.
He's sweet and intelligent and just the best person I know. And I love him more than anything."
Justin turned towards JC and kissed him. "But you're right," JC continued. "I don't want Chris and Joey and Lance to think that we don't have time for them."
"Yeah, it's different with us than it is for Chris and Danielle. At least when he focuses on her, he's not spending time with all four of us. But with us, we're together without other three. I don't want to disrupt the group dynamic that much by alienating them. Plus, I really miss them, Josh."
"I know. I do, too. We're not as tight as we used to be, but we'll do something about that. I guess we just have to try to remember that we're not the only two people in the world. We don't have to spend every single second together, just by ourselves. And I really do want to spend more time with Chris and Joey and Lance. As long as I go to bed with you every night, of course."
Justin smiled. "Of course."
Later that morning, 'N Sync did a radio station interview and more promotional stuff. Afterwards, they got into their limo to go out to lunch.
As it pulled into the restaurant parking lot, Chris groaned. "Of course the fans always know where we're eating before we do."
"It's that crazy 'N Sync radar," Lance said. "I don't know how they do it either. Can they smell us coming from a mile away or something?"
"I bet they can smell Joey!" Chris yelled, slapping Joey on the shoulder.
Joey pretended to be offended and pouted in his seat. The other guys laughed except for Justin. He was resting his chin on his hand and staring vacantly out the tinted windows at the medium sized crowd of girls just standing outside the restaurant.
JC put his arm around his shoulders and leaned in closer to him. "Are you okay, sweetie?" he asked.
"Why can't they just leave us alone sometimes?" Justin wondered tiredly. "I mean, thanks for being fans and everything, we really appreciate it, but can we eat in peace?"
JC nodded in agreement. "Yeah, I know. But they love us. Can you blame them?"
Justin laughed a little at JC's joke but quickly fell silent again. The limo grinded to a halt and Chris, Lance, and Joey immediately got up, stepped out, and were greeted by the crowd.
JC pulled on his leather jacket. "Come on, Justin."
Justin just sat in his seat and didn't move. "Justin, are you okay?" JC shut the door and sat back down next to him.
Justin ran his fingers through his hair. Suddenly he broke the silence. "I can't breathe," Justin said, his breaths short and forced. "God, I feel like I can't breathe."
JC wrapped his arms around him and Justin rested his head on JC's shoulder. JC rocked him gently. "Everything will be okay," he said softly.
"I can't do this anymore," Justin said desperately, his eyes spilling over with tears. "I can't be who they want me to be. I can't be this important to them. Every time I turn around, somebody wants something. Don't they understand? I don't have anything left to give. All I have is my sanity, and I'm not even sure about that right now."
JC rubbed his lower back to soothe him, unsure of what to say. But he didn't have to say anything. They both knew that words couldn't make anything better. JC knew that Justin just needed to unleash everything in his internal reservoir of jumbled up emotions. He needed to know that there would be someone there for him, no matter what happened.
Justin understood that, for the time being, and for at least a couple more years to come, his life wasn't really his own anymore. He couldn't do whatever he wanted to do anymore. He could only do what everyone would allow him to do. He understood and he resigned himself to that, but he didn't like it and could never get used to it. JC especially worried about him - he worried that this was going to suck the vivacious spirit that he loved so much from his little angel. Justin was worried too - only he was worried that he would never get to be his real self. He was worried that people wouldn't like his real self.
It was a lot of pressure for a person to be under. Justin handled it well, though. He really was the strongest one in the group. He had to be. He took the brunt of their fame and popularity. While the other members definitely had their fair share of fans, it was Justin who was under scrutiny and it was Justin who the expectations were placed upon. At an age when he should have been discovering who he was and who he wanted to be, Justin was discovering who people wanted him to be and he felt forced to be that person.
It was exhausting physically, but much more so mentally. It was hardest on Justin because these things were more important to him. Joey didn't mind so much being denied privacy by having fans approach him in a restaurant or even at his own house. Lance was so good at being what Chris jokingly referred to as "Hollywood businessman Lance" that the mania didn't affect him as badly either. But Justin wasn't like that. He wanted to be able to sing and dance and perform, and then go home and be normal. The celebrity status didn't allow him that though. Everyone wanted a piece of Justin Timberlake. Sometimes there was never anything left for him.
But more than anything, Justin was scared and overwhelmed. He was living like a fish trapped in a small bowl, with everyone gathering around to look.
He was increasingly becoming "Justin from 'N Sync." That was one of his biggest fears - that being Justin Timberlake wasn't enough, that he wasn't special enough on his own. Maybe when people actually got to know him, they would be disappointed with who he really was.
He didn't see why that wouldn't be the case. He couldn't even please people with his fake public persona. No matter what he did, people weren't satisfied. They didn't like his hair, the shirt he wore, the way he looked at the camera. Whenever he did something that people liked, there were always just as many who didn't like it. He felt stuck in a no-win situation.
Except for when he was with JC. JC could wash away all those insecurities with just one smile. When he was with JC, being himself was enough. That feeling was priceless to him. JC made him feel like he was good enough after all. Why else would anyone as perfect as JC want to be with him?
Every now and then, everything just caught up with him and hit him like a ton of bricks. This was one of those times.
"Shh," JC said soothingly, rubbing his back. "Is there anything I can do?"
Justin sniffled and shifted his position so that he was closer to JC. "I feel like I'm suffocating," Justin said, his voice shaking.
JC held him closer. "Just breathe through me," he whispered.
Justin inhaled sharply as another wave of tears hit him. "God, I love you," he said through his sobs.
JC tightened his hold on him and said, "You don't have to go out there. We'll make something up. You can stay here."
"No, no, I'll be okay," Justin argued, pulling back from JC. "I'm just being dumb right now. I don't know what's wrong with me."
"Justin, listen to me," JC commanded gently, cupping Justin's chin in his hand. "There's nothing wrong with you. It's okay to be upset. You know that, right?"
Justin nodded his head and turned away. JC could tell that Justin didn't really believe that. Justin secretly felt that he should be stronger. He felt like he was the weak one in the relationship. JC was always taking care of him, and as much as he loved that, what did he really give JC back? Probably not much of anything.
"I'll be okay," Justin repeated. "I just need five minutes." He closed his eyes and lay across the seat with his head in JC's lap.
JC leaned back in his seat and covered his face with his hands. He just wanted to take all of Justin's pain away. It frustrated him that he couldn't, but he knew that he didn't have that kind of power. All he could do was be there for Justin and hope that maybe that would be enough.
Five minutes later, Justin looked a million times better. Once he put on sunglasses, it looked like he had never even been crying in the first place.
"Are you ready to go?" JC asked him, smiling at him encouragingly.
Justin nodded. "Yeah."
JC grasped his hand and kissed him. Right before JC opened the limousine door to reveal the crowd, Justin dropped JC's hand as they had done so many times before.
JC watched as Justin worked his way through the crowd, smiling and talking to excited fans as he signed autographs for them. Even as JC signed autographs of his own, he couldn't help but observe Justin sadly. Such a hard life for a kid so young and sweet. And through it all Justin tried to do it with a smile on his face. He had a good heart like that.
JC struggled to blink back tears and they disappeared as quickly as they formed. He couldn't let Justin see him cry. He had to be strong for him. Justin always came first.
Lunch came and went rather uneventfully - or at least in comparison to the morning's chaos. The group of fans had dispersed once they had been pacified with laying eyes on - and believe it or not - touching the objects of their affection.
Justin was back to normal. He usually snapped in and out of it like that. He had become very adept at covering up his moments of depression and unhappiness. He figured it wouldn't do any good to bring the group morale down. Justin really only broke down in front of JC.
"So I'm talking to this girl outside," Chris was saying, "and she says to me, 'Is Justin really going out with Britney Spears?' Man, you know there's something wrong when I'M getting asked about YOUR love life."
Justin shrugged. He didn't really like to talk about Britney that much, even with the other guys. They had dated for a while and they'd had sex and everything, but their relationship was something he liked to forget about. He was still friends with her, but he didn't like thinking about what it had been like being her boyfriend. They saw each other quite often, even with their hectic schedules, but they were just friends.
"And then she says to me, 'I know they are, my sister's boyfriend's aunt's neighbor's parole officer's wife works for so-and-so and she told me that they really are dating.' Or something like that. Where do people get this shit?"
"Yeah, because wives of parole officers are always up-to-date and accurate about the goings on of teen celebrities," Lance said wryly.
"Wait, it doesn't stop there," Chris continued. "Then she whips out this tabloid with some pictures of you and Britney in it and says, 'This is proof that they're together.' She gave it to me so I could keep it. She called it Exhibit A."
They all laughed at the ridiculousness of some of their fans. Justin reached for the tabloid and opened it up. There was a picture of Justin and Britney walking with their hands close together, but not touching, and another one of Justin leaning down so Britney could say something in his ear. The article, of course, was complete and total bullshit.
Justin closed the tabloid. "When are those National Enquirer people going to learn?" he said. "I don't like breasts, I like dick."
This remark was met by uncontained laughter. Chris purposely fell out of his seat and started rolling around on the floor with his trademark laugh. "Can I quote you on that one?" he asked.
Justin grinned. "No, that's off the record."
The rumors about him and Britney didn't really bother Justin that much. The only thing that got to him was that people couldn't let it go and continued to dig around in his business for some kind of wild, salacious story. He had dated her for a few months, but they never were very good together. People thought it was so natural for them to be together, because of their history and because "they made such a cute couple," but that was hardly the makings of a solid relationship.
They had mutually broken up almost a year ago, but the rumors still continued to circulate. People thought what they wanted to think, and a lot of them seemed to like to think that they were still dating, which confused Justin to no end. He didn't mind it so much, as long as people didn't give either of them too hard a time about it. It provided him with a good cover, at least. Even if people speculated about Justin being gay, no one really believed it. They all thought he was fucking Britney every chance he got.
JC was happy to see that Justin had recovered from his emotional outburst. He took Justin's left hand and kissed it, placing it between both of his hands.
"How are you doing?" he asked Justin quietly.
"I'm good," Justin answered confidently. "I'm better than good, actually." He turned to smile at JC.
And this time, JC believed him.
Okay, and that was Chapter Four. I'm sorry it barely mentioned Joey, Lance, and Chris. I promise they'll be in the story more in future chapters, but I'm still establishing the Justin/JC relationship. The next chapter should be out sometime later this week. E-mail me if you want! Thanks.