Hi everyone! Sorry it took me so long to write this ... stuff to do 'cause it's the end of the year and all. Thank you to everyone who sent me e-mails, I really appreciate that a lot, and y'all keep me going when I'm blocked. Anyway, here's Chapter 8 ...
Usual disclaimer, usual everything ...
Justin pushed his food around his plate mindlessly. He just wasn't hungry. His gaze flickered over to JC's plate and was surprised to see that he was actually eating.
He felt a pair of eyes on him and met Tyler's stare. He felt so uncomfortable, like he was an outsider. They probably didn't even want him there now. JC's father, Roy, was telling a story about something that had happened at work. Justin didn't think anyone was really listening though. They'd all heard much more interesting news already.
Tyler gave him a small smile. It seemed friendly enough, so Justin smiled back. People don't just hate you because you're gay, right? he asked himself. Not the people that you love, anyway. Not the people that love you.
Justin was lost in his thoughts when he realized that dinner was over. He rose from his chair and carried his dishes to the sink.
"Come on Justin, let's go upstairs," JC beckoned.
Justin looked behind him at the sink overflowing with dirty dishes. "No, we should help your mom -"
"No, it's okay, we'll take care of all that," Karen said. "You go and enjoy your break."
He picked up a glass anyway. "No, it's no trouble."
JC took the glass out of his hand. "Mom said she would do it, Justin. Thanks Mom."
Justin followed JC up the stairs. Once they were out of the family's vision, JC grabbed Justin's hand and pulled him along to his room.
"Alone at last," JC announced, flopping down on the bed.
"Yup," Justin agreed.
"You don't have to do things because you feel guilty," JC said. "You haven't done anything wrong."
"I don't feel guilty!" Justin said loudly. He realized how abrupt he sounded and lowered his volume. "I don't feel guilty," he repeated.
"I'm not going to tell my dad yet," JC said. "That's too much to deal with in one day. I'll tell him tomorrow."
"Are you scared?"
JC bit his lip. "Kind of, I guess. I don't know. Mom and Tyler took it pretty well. No yelling or screaming or telling me to get out of the house and never come back."
Justin understood his reluctance. It's not like he was in any rush to tell his parents either. The more he thought about it, the more he felt like not saying anything to them. He didn't HAVE to tell them ... they didn't really NEED to know ...
"I just want at least a few hours when things can go back to normal," JC told him. "I just want to watch television and relax and then go to bed with you."
"All that sounds fine, JC, but I can't ... I can't sleep with you."
JC looked disappointed. "Why not?"
"No, Josh, we can't do that in your parents' house," Justin declined. "I think - I think it would be better if I just stayed in the guest room."
"Justin, please." JC took his hand and gently pulled Justin towards him. "I don't want to be alone tonight. I haven't slept without you in God knows how long."
Justin looked into JC's silently pleading eyes and found it hard to say no. But he had to. "No, I can't, I'm sorry. What if your dad found us?"
"He won't, sweetie," JC assured him, touching the side of his face. "He leaves for work early, and he won't check on us. We'll be safe. I can lock the door, and he'll never check to see if you're really in the guest room."
"I don't know," Justin said uncertainly. "I don't want to deceive him in his own house."
"Us being together is not deception," JC insisted. "It's the truth. He just doesn't know that truth yet. I'll tell him tomorrow, I promise. Just stay with me tonight, please?"
Justin paused. "Okay," he said, giving in.
JC grinned. "Yay!" he said happily. "It'll be like a slumber party."
Justin laughed. "Can we play Spin the Bottle?"
"Why don't we just skip the bottle part?" JC asked, leaning in for a kiss.
"I'm sorry," Justin apologized, breaking away. "I can't do this here."
JC looked hurt. "Why? Do you think this is wrong? Do you feel guilty for doing this in their house? Do you think that we're - that we're wrong together?"
"No, baby," Justin said quickly, reassuring him. "I don't know what's wrong with me. You know how much I love you, right?"
JC nodded. "Josh, look at me. You know that you're everything to me, right?" He knelt down on the floor in front of JC. "You know that I would die without you, right?"
JC smiled. "I know."
Justin smiled, too. "Now let's go watch some television like you said," he replied, getting up. "Is Who Wants to Be a Millionaire on?"
JC checked his watch. "In a few minutes."
Justin started to laugh. "Lance is so dumb. I can't believe he didn't know how many are in a baker's dozen."
"Hey give him a break, he was nervous!" JC said, saving Lance from Justin's playful teasing, but laughing as well.
The next morning when JC and Justin woke up, the house was empty and they were alone. JC's parents had both gone to work and Tyler had already left for school. They found that Karen had left breakfast for them in the microwave and sat down at the table to eat in their newfound peace.
JC picked up the newspaper and started to read while Justin poured himself a glass of milk. "What's so funny?" he asked, noticing JC's restrained laughter.
"This," JC answered, gesturing in the general direction of the paper. "Garfield keeps trying to find the lasagna but Odie keeps hiding it."
Justin rolled his eyes and laughed. Only JC would think stuff like that was funny. "Aw, we're like an old married couple already!" he exclaimed.
JC smiled crookedly at Justin across the table, his blue eyes shining. "Maybe in forty years?" he said, shrugging his shoulders.
"I hope so. I am definitely looking forward to growing old with you."
JC sighed happily. "I love you."
"Love you too."
JC stood up and leaned across the table to kiss Justin briefly on the lips. "Love you more," he taunted.
"Do not."
"Do too."
"Do not."
"Do too. You're a liar."
Justin gave up and laughed at JC's ability to downshift from the mentality of a father to that of a child. He loved that he could be silly with JC because there was something so basic about it. It was just JC and his pretty blue eyes that crinkled up in the corners when he giggled.
"No, I think it's a horse riding on a turtle's back."
"No, it's a music note jumping over the moon."
Justin and JC were lying on a blanket in the backyard in the late afternoon sun, staring up at the puffy white clouds. They liked to revel in the opportunity to sit around and do nothing the few times they got to.
"What are you talking about? Justin, that is a turtle. Do you see that? That's the shell."
"No ... that's no turtle. But in your little JC fantasy world, it can be a turtle."
"Okay," JC agreed, turning to face him. He picked a dandelion that was growing near them and dropped it in Justin's hair. "Now I have the prettiest boyfriend in the entire world!"
Justin swatted at his head until the flower fell out. "I like to think that I'm pretty without floral accessories."
JC moved closer until his lips made contact with Justin's. "It's so nice to kiss you outside without having to check for other people."
Justin sighed wistfully. "I know." He paused for a second. "God, I hate being famous sometimes. I can never do anything I want. I can't walk into a store without people taking pictures, I can't eat out without people asking for autographs, and of course, I can't kiss my own boyfriend if there are people around.
"I thank God every day for what I have," Justin said. "For the talent he's given me, my passion for music, the luck, the people in my life. But most of all, I thank him for you. I thank God for blessing me with a love like this. I can sing in the shower, and I can dance in the living room, and I can perform at family picnics for my aunts and uncles. I could live without this career and the success and everything that comes with it if I had to. But I don't have a substitute for you. I would give it all up if it meant I could have you."
"But you do have me, Justin. And you have all those things. Sure, when people ask us if we have girlfriends, we lie and say we're not dating anybody, and we can't kiss unless we're alone. I can't drop down on one knee and declare my love for you in the middle of a restaurant and I can't even hold your hand in public. But that's okay. We can keep it between us. We don't have to ... share it with everyone else. It makes our love more ours anyway."
"Not sharing it is one thing," Justin said, sighing, "but having to hide it and pretend is another. But if that's what we have to do to be together, then I can live with it."
"That's my Sunshine," JC said teasingly.
"I'm not blonde anymore," Justin replied in a sing-song voice.
"Would you bleach your hair again just for me?"
Justin shifted his position. "Tell you what. I'll be extra nice today and let you call me that for no reason at all."
JC grinned and kissed Justin on the forehead. "It must be my birthday or something."
Justin rested his head on JC's chest and closed his eyes. JC stared back up at the clouds in thought. He could never get used to how good it felt to hold Justin, to know that he was right there. As much security as there was in being held, there was something special about being the one who was doing the holding. There was more ... control. JC knew that the only thing that mattered was that he would never, ever let go.
He couldn't help but want to take care of and protect Justin. Those were impulses and desires that he would never be able to suppress. They had known each other for so long - since Justin was 12 - but it was different from the 12-year-olds who lived next door to each other, only to grow up and fall in love. When Justin was 12, JC was already 16. JC had watched him grow up - he had helped him grow up. He had started their friendship wanting to take care of him, and he knew he was going to die wanting to take care of him, too.
That's all he could do anyway - just be there for Justin when he needed him. He knew he wasn't the funniest guy ever, or the smartest, or the sweetest, or the most romantic. He wasn't a lot of fun to be around, or the best listener, or very articulate. He was just him. And somehow Justin had found it in his heart to love him. He didn't understand how someone as special as Justin could love such an ordinary, average person.
There had to be something he could do for Justin, and he figured that playing guardian angel to his little angel might be enough. Maybe he didn't make Justin happy the way that Justin made him happy. Maybe he wasn't Justin's light in the darkness. But he could look after him and protect him.
That was the only equilibrium he could try to bring to the relationship. And so JC was more than happy to do it. He was more than happy to wrap his arms around his ray of sunshine to protect him and never let go.
Dinner that night was nerve-wracking for JC, who was mentally preparing himself to tell his father. It was so weird to be sitting at the table with him, who was totally oblivious. Everyone knew but him. That was going to change soon, though.
Justin reached for JC's hand under the table and squeezed it gently. JC felt himself relax a bit. Justin always knew just what to do. There wasn't really anything ... erotic about the relationship. When they touched each other, it was more of an emotional thing than anything else. Not that JC minded. He liked it better that way. It seemed more real and genuine. It was ... sweeter.
JC found that extra bit of strength he needed in Justin's touch and cleared his throat. "Dad?" he said. "I have - I have something I want to tell you."
"Sure, what is it?"
JC couldn't look his father in the eye. "Dad - I'm ... I'm gay."
The table fell eerily silent. "You're what?" Roy asked.
"I'm gay," JC repeated quietly.
"You're what?"
"Dad, I said that I'm -"
"I heard what you said!" Roy said. He wasn't exactly yelling but he wasn't speaking normally. "How can you be gay?"
"I don't know," JC answered honestly. "I just am; it's just who I am. You didn't choose to be heterosexual and I didn't choose to be gay. It's a part of me."
Roy looked at Karen. "Why aren't you surprised? Did you already know?"
Karen nodded. "Honey, calm down, it's not - anything to get worked up about. Josh told me yesterday."
"Yesterday?" Roy turned back to JC. "And you waited until now to tell me?"
"I was scared!" JC yelled, his voice started to crack. "Can you blame me?"
"How long have you known that you were - how long have you thought you were gay?"
"Long enough," JC replied vaguely. "And I don't just think I'm gay, I know I am, Dad."
"What about all your girlfriends before? You went out with girls." JC relaxed a bit. He could tell his father wasn't really mad - he was just confused and shocked, and it was coming out like anger.
"Yeah, I know," he sighed. "I don't know. I just didn't really know who I was then or what I wanted. And now I do. Please don't be mad, this is just who I am, Dad. It doesn't make me a bad person. It doesn't make me your son any less."
"Do you - have you had boyfriends?" Roy asked, growing more and more bewildered as he thought about it.
"Um ..." JC stared down at his plate. "Well, Justin and I are together right now."
"You?" Roy's attention focused on Justin. "You too?"
Justin nodded silently. "Where did you sleep last night?" Roy demanded to know.
Justin's nerves were already shot and he looked startled that the discussion was being directed towards him. "I -" he began to answer.
"He slept with me in my room, Dad," JC said, interrupting him. "He always sleeps with me. That's just what we do. That's what couples do."
Justin's pulse started racing. He knew that JC hadn't meant to antagonize his father, but he was scared that that was what was going to happen.
"Nothing you can say can change what we have," JC continued. "I'm sorry if you don't approve. But that doesn't really matter, that can't cancel out our love, Dad. I know this is all coming as a shock and I know you don't mean half the things you're saying. I wish you could just step back and see that this isn't a bad thing."
"What kind of life are you going to have?" Roy wanted to know. "You can't get married, you can't have children. Is that what you want?"
"Dad, how many times do I have to say it? Being gay isn't about choices. And do you really want to know what kind of life I'm going to have?" JC's eyes started to fill with tears. "It may not be conventional, but I have never been happier in my entire life than I have been in the past six months. That has to count for something."
Roy looked from JC to Justin and back to JC again. His son had been so happy, and now he just looked completely miserable. All because of him. It was kind of scary to have that kind of power as a parent. He didn't want this to destroy the relationship he had with JC. Roy thought back and remembered how proud he was whenever he saw 'N Sync on television, and how sad he was when JC left to go on tour and didn't come back for months. How happy he was when the phone rang and it was JC calling to talk. This one little revelation seemed so miniscule in the big picture.
"I can leave," Justin said suddenly, getting up from his seat nervously. "I can pack up my stuff and go, if that'll make things better. I don't belong here."
JC looked at him in surprise. Justin wasn't going to leave him just because of what his father said, was he?
"Where are you going?" Roy said, his voice softening a bit. "You belong here - with your boyfriend. You belong here with my son."
JC's tears spilled over. He didn't know what to say. "We'll talk about this more later. I have to digest this and let it sink in." Roy stood up from the table and went upstairs.
JC wiped his tears away. "Honey, you and Justin go to your room," Karen said, clearing away the dishes and trying to break the tension. "I'll take care of everything." She put stressed the word "everything" a bit.
Justin reached for JC's hand and they left the table as well. Tyler helped his mother clean up after dinner. He felt so caught in the middle. None of this had anything to do with him but he was somehow involved because he happened to be related to these people. For something that had "so little do with him" though, he couldn't believe how sad he was.
JC collapsed on his bed once they were in his room. "That wasn't so bad," he said weakly.
Justin sat down next to him. "Why did you say that?" JC asked him, starting to cry again, unable to hide how hurt he was. "Why did you say you were going to leave me?"
Justin was flooded with guilt and regret. "I didn't mean it, sweetie. I didn't mean that I wanted to leave you - I never want to do that. I just thought that your dad was so mad that if I left, maybe it would make it easier to deal with."
"He's not mad, Justin," JC sighed. "He's just shocked. And even if he was mad, he wouldn't be mad at you."
"Well, I don't want him to be mad at you," Justin said. "He can take it out on me. He can blame everything on me."
"There's no one to blame, Justin," JC said tiredly. "I'm tired. Let's just go to bed, okay?"
"Do you want me - do you want me to stay with you?" Justin asked timidly.
"Do you even have to ask?" JC said gently. "I love having my little angel with me."
"What about your dad? Will he be mad?"
JC sighed again, pulling back the covers of his bed. "It doesn't matter. He doesn't dictate what goes on between the two of us. We can do whatever we want."
"Okay."
Justin woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of sniffling. "Josh?" Justin asked quietly. "Josh, are you crying?"
"No."
Justin knew better than to believe JC's quick reply. He rolled over and stared at JC's back. "Josh, please talk to me."
JC didn't turn around. "I'm fine, Justin. I'm just trying to sleep."
Justin moved closer and spooned JC's body to his. "Sweetie, please. I'm so sorry about before, I didn't mean it. Please don't cry."
"I thought you were asleep," JC said, trying to cover up his sniffling.
"I won't ever leave you," Justin repeated, pulling JC closer.
"I'm not crying about you," JC replied quietly.
"Then what is it?"
JC didn't respond. "I can take care of you, too, you know," Justin whispered, taking JC's hand in his. "If you'll let me."
Justin could feel JC's shoulders shaking with his sobs. "Shh," he said soothingly. "Is it your dad?"
JC nodded and breathed in painfully. "It's everything," he said, his voice breaking. "Too much going on."
Justin kissed his shoulder softly. "What can I do to make it better?"
"I just need to feel you close to me," JC said finally. "I need to feel your heart beating."
"I'm right here; everything will be okay. I'm right here." Justin held him as close as he could, clutching his hand. "I'll never leave you, I'll always be right here."
JC started to cry louder and Justin just held him. Justin didn't want to make him talk about it and verbalize his emotions and fears. He'd been doing that for the past two days with his entire family. Justin wanted to give him a moment's peace - a moment when he could feel something without having to justify it or explain it. A moment just for him.
JC eventually cried himself to sleep, but Justin didn't want to let go of him. He stayed in his position close to JC, leaving his side of the bed abandoned for the night.
The next morning, Karen drove Justin and JC to the airport to catch their flight to Orlando. Tyler had asked his mother to let him miss school that day so he could come with them.
They reached the gate just as the plane started boarding. Karen hugged JC extra tight. "Don't worry, honey, everything will be okay."
JC smiled kind of sadly. "Yeah, I know I just have to wait for Dad to get used to it. It just kind of hurts that after 23 years, he has to get used to me."
"He loves you so much, you know that, right? You just surprised him."
JC nodded. "I know."
Karen hugged Justin, too. "I'm sorry you didn't have very much fun these past two days, Justin. We're really a nice family, I promise!"
Justin laughed a bit. "I know."
Karen reached up and touched his face. "You're more than welcome in our house, honey."
"Thanks, Karen." He adjusted his backpack on his shoulders.
"Justin?"
"Yeah?" he said, turning back to face her.
"You can call me Mom, okay?"
Justin smiled and nodded slightly. "Okay."
JC hugged Tyler. "Don't worry," Tyler said in his ear. "I'll talk to Dad. I'll find a way to make him understand."
"Thanks, Tyler. Let me know when you can get some time away to hop on the tour for a bit, okay?"
Tyler laughed. "Sure thing." JC started to say good-bye to his mother.
"You look after my brother, okay?" Tyler said to Justin.
"I will, I promise."
"I know you'll be there for him when he cries at night. I'm not worried."
Justin stared at him and Tyler just shrugged. "Sometimes sound travels through walls better than you think."
Tyler surprised Justin even further when he pulled him into a hug. "I guess you're like part of the family now or something," he said. "Take care of yourself, too."
Justin nodded. "I will. Thanks, Tyler."
Tyler shrugged again. "Don't thank me for actions that are a day too late."
"Come on, Justin, we gotta get on the plane," JC said.
JC and Justin walked down the ramp, turning around once to wave a last good-bye. "Time to get back to normal life now," JC said, squeezing Justin's hand lightly.
Thank you for reading and I appreciate any feedback! I moved the html site that this story is on to another url, now it's http://www.geocities.com/laughter_and_tears/
Have a nice day everyone! (I'm flying home tomorrow! Yay!)