Lance's thoughts...
This wasn't going to be easy. I said to myself. Jason looked really sexy. He had this cute smile and he handed me a dozen roses. what was I going to do? I looked over at his friend who hasn't aid a word yet but hello. He was too busy checking out Josh. I could tell by the way he was staring at him Josh didn't seem to notice this though. He still looked upset. I felt horrible about what I had decided to do about this whole Jason/Josh situation.
"Look he's speechless."
That was Jason's friend.
"Jason you didn't have to bring me flowers."
I said accepting them and taking a smell in the petals.
"I felt bad about our fight. Or whatever you want to call it."
"Thanks Jason that's really sweet. You guys want something to drink before we leave?"
"No thanks, we're fine." Said Jason "So you guys like bowling?"
So of course that's where we went.
"So when is the concert supposed to be? My sister been asking." Asked Jason.
"The night we leave, Friday."
Jason turned white and dropped the bowling ball.
"You guys are leaving Friday?"
"Yeah, we we're even supposed to get this many days off but the management thought we could use after, well you know what happened. What's wrong?"
"That's when I'm supposed to go back to New Jersey." Said Tommy
"Well, you wanna go to a concert before you go?"
"Sure love to, besides I'm sure Jason will drag me to it anyway."
I laughed "Drag you? Well, you don't have to if you don't want to."
"No Really, I'd love to, I've always been a fan of your music."
"You have?" Asked Josh First time he spoke since we left
"Yeah, can't help it"
"Well, now there's no questions, your coming."
"Cool."
I looked up over at Jason who had just rolled his ball down the aisle unfortunately the lane wasn't too kind it drifted to the side and stumbled down the shoot.
"So who's bright idea was it to go bowling if neither one of you can make a score?" I said.
"I never said I couldn't score, I just suck at bowling."
I started to crack up. Even Josh laughed at the remark.
"Okay if I make this score, we'll leave okay?" Said Tommy.
"Good," Said Josh "This is getting restless, the only bowlers here are you and me."
After Tommy's turn we went over to the dinner across the street. I was grateful it wasn't to crowded.
I got a few seconds along with Jason. I pulled him close and gave him a small kiss.
"What was that for?" he asked.
"No reason. Do you think we can get a few minutes alone later?"
"You bet I'll just tell Tommy to get lost so I can make out with my boyfriend."
I smiled. "Well, it's not that, I just want to talk."
"Oh." He Frowned. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I just think we should talk. Don't worry." I gave him another kiss and we went back to Tommy and Josh who looked like they we having a good conversation.
"What we're you two love birds doing?" Asked Tommy smiling.
"None of your business." Said Jason but he was smiling back.
"Kiss, kissy."
"Please we do enough of that already."
I looked at Jason in shock "We do?"
"Don't we?"
"Well, actually,"
Jason leaned over and put his lips on mine. He started to open his mouth and I didn't even try to stop him. I think I even encourage him. I put my arms around him and pulled him closer. Don't ask me what possessed me to do that. Not to mention we we're in a public place where it's not normal to watch two guys making out, but when one happens to be a celebrity it could cuase a lot of problems. I opened my mouth a snuck my tounge inside and met with his. We didn't stopped kissing until we herd a deep cough.
"Excuse me lovers, remember us?" Said Tommy. "what are you guys trying to prove anyway."
he started to laugh. I was kinda embarrassed. Jason smiled and kissed me again on the cheek.
"Just that we love each other."
That's when my heart sank. I remembered what I had to tell him later. Then I saw Josh. he looked unhappy.
"Excuse me, if the waitress comes before I come back just tell her I want a coke."
I could hear his voice cracking as he got up and went to the men's room.
"What was that about?" asked Jason.
"Well it's part of what we have to talk about,"
"You me to see if he's okay?" asked Tommy.
I just nodded. I turned back to Jason. I felt so bad about what I was about to do, but there was no other way out of it.
In the Men's room JC's thoughts...
Why did I let that kiss bother me so much? I felt so completly stupid running out like that. The fact that I made a complete idiot out of myself and in front of Lance and Tommy. Jason I didn't care much what he thought of me. Maybe I will just tell them I'm not feeling well and go back to the hotel. I looked in the mirror. My eyes looked horrible. probably because I've been crying so much lately. That wasn't like me. I'm usually a very strong person. At least that's what everyone tells me. The one thing I've always wanted in my whole life was someone to be there for me. I thought I found him but he loves someone else. I just hurts so much to see him having his arms around another guy. I felt a hand on my shoulder and I jumped a littler.
"Tommy!"
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you, I wanted to make sure you we're okay."
I grabbed a napkin that was by the sing and whipped my eyes.
"Yeah, I'm fine."
Really? For someone who's fine you look a little upset."
I didn't know what came over me then. My tears just came out. what was happening to me? I didn't even know Tommy and I start baling in front of him.
"Hay Josh it's okay. Do you want to talk about it?"
I just looked at him. I tried hard to whip the tears away, but more just kept coming out. Truth was I did want to talk about it, but not to him, but to Jason. I wanted to tell him how I felt about Lance, how long I loved him, and with in seconds Jason comes and takes him away from me. Tommy frowned and gave me a hug.
"It's OK Josh, look, who don't we tell the them we're going to take off okay? You don't have tot ell me what's wrong but I have a feeling I already know. Do you want to go back to the hotel?"
"I don't know. I just know I can't stand seeing them together."
"Who? Lance and Jason?"
"Yeah. You might as well know, I'm gay, and I love Lance."
"Wait a second, your gay too?"
"Yeah, no one knows though, except for Lance that is."
"Well, if it makes it any easy for you, I'm gay as well."
I was stunned. It seems to be in style lately I guess. For the first time I wondered if the other guys in the group were.
"Do you wanna dump those two love birds and walk around with me?" he asked.
For the first time I got a good look at him. He looked really cute. He had a gorgeous smile and deep brown eyes. he was doing his best t get me to cheer up.
"I know what it's like to sit and watch other couple making out when you have no one for yourself. So I think I know how you feel. You can trust though Josh, what ever you tell me I'll keep it to my heart."
I smiled. I felt a little better. I was grateful to his friendship and kindness.
"Do mind if we go back to the hotel? I just don't think I can face them."
"Sure, let me just just ask Jas if I can burrow his car so I can drive you back. Come on."
We left the restaurant in silence, Lance looked worried when he saw me but said nothing. I figured he would want to be along with his boyfriend and I really just wanted to get out of there.
Tommy's thoughts...
I felt so bad for Josh. He looked miserable when he saw Lance and Jason kissing. I should've said something but decided against it. Even though we were in the car he still looked heart broken.
"I'm sorry," he whispered.
"For what?"
"For making you leave, you didn't have to."
"No problem, I wasn't going to let you walk, and I was about to be the third wheel."
"Why is life so cruel sometimes?"
"You got me buddy, I've been asking myself that for my whole life."
"I'm really happy for Lance, I mean he finally has someone to love him back."
"Well, I can already guess why your upset. You want to be the one that makes him happy."
"Yes, But lately we can't even say hi to each other without snapping at each other. I want him to be happy, but I want him in my life, even if it isn't as a boyfriend. Des that sound selfish?"
"Not at all. You don't want to loose your friend, I understand all that. But you see Josh, you'll never loose Lance, I have this feeling that even by chance NSync should unfortunately break up I'm sure all of you will remian friends."
"How do you know?"
"I can sense how you all feel about each other, you guys will never loose that friendship, just like As, and I will never loose each other."
"Can I ask you a personal question?"
"Sure."
"Do you love Jason?"
"With my whole heart, that's why I know how hard this is for you, but like you I'm glad he's happy. Part of my leaving on Friday was so he could spend some time with Lance, it was before I knew you guys we're leaving the same day."
"See why life sucks so much."
"Well, not all of it, just the bad parts."
The rest of the trip was made in silence. I could tell he didn't really want to talk anymore. I couldn't believe I admitted my hidden feelings for Jason. It was something I never even admitted to myself yet.
When we got to the hotel I asked Josh if I could make a phone call hoping Jason would be home by now. I really needed to get this off my chest, eve if he didn't feel the same way. I just felt it would make it a lot easier on myself, I wondered if Josh was feeling that after he told Lance how he felt.
Lance's Thoughts...
I could hear Jason's conversation in the hall way. he was talking to Tommy who was still out with Josh. I had just explained to him what had happened, surprisingly he understand, but I don't think he was very happy about it. I could his voice cracking a little bit standing out by his door. it was heartbreaking.
"Are you okay Jason?"
I asked steeping in a bit.
He nodded and put his finger up to let me know hell be done in a second
"Okay Tommy, just call me when you wake up so i will up when you get hear. I'll see you tomorrow, good bye."
What was I going to say? I mean what could I say? we only known each other a little while I didn't expect to fall for someone so quickly. He looked at me, his beautiful blue eyes were red from crying, but in spite of that he smiled and gave me a small kiss o the cheek.
"For what it's worth Lance, I'm glad we met."
"Me too Jason, I'm sorry I did this to you."
"No, it's okay, I'll be fine, I want you to be happy, and if it means giving you to Josh, then I'll just glad I met you and spent time with you while I did, there's just one problem though."
"What?"
"The other day at the mall I purchased a ring for you, it was for your birthday, I knew I wouldn't get to see you on that day."
"Jason I don't know what to say."
"I'd still like you to keep it, to remember me."
"I could ever forget you. I promise you that."
"Would you keep it anyway? It doesn't have to mean anything really, just if you ever need me for any reason, I want you to send it back to me, and no matter where you are I'll be there in a heart beat."
"I don't know if I should keep it As,"
"You don't have to wear it, I don't you to be uncomfortable around Josh, this way you know that a little part of me is still with you, still in your heart."
I smiled at him. And I gave him a kiss. I told him I would keep it. I secretly did plan to wear it but not for a while. I kept it mainly because I didn't want to have it been given to someone else, and I thought it was a very sweet idea. I told him he would always be in heart and that I do love him in a special way not as a brother but not as a lover either.
"Another thing, Tommy decided to sat with Josh tonight, don't worry though they were just talking about some stuff. Josh still has no idea we broke up. I guess my heart doesn't either."
"I guess Josh and I have to talk also."
"your such a heartbreaker Lance."
He smiled at me and I laughed a little. I wasn't sure if he was joking or not.
"If you want you can stay here."
"Would you mind?"
"Nah, will you stay with me though? I'll behave myself I promise."
"Yeah, I would like to."
I would give anything to be able to give him a big kiss right then, but I didn't want to give him the wrong idea. I realized I still haven't told him about Matt.
"He was caught today."
I said out loud.
"Huh? Who was?"
"Matt, you know the guy from the concert, my ex."
"Good I hope he gets the chair."
"I doubt that will happen, but I hope he does too. I think you need to know what happened."
"No, it's all right, it's none of my business now."
"But it is, besides I think I'd feel better if I told you about what happened."
"Okay. You can tell me anything Lance."
"We only went out for about a year, it was the longest year of my life, I felt like a prisoner when I was with him. Couldn't bring up the guys or he'd get jealous and think I'm cheating on him, I couldn't bring up my music or family because he thought all the interfered with our relationship. I used to live with him in Orlando,"
I could feel the tears starting to fall, I guess Jason could too, he held on to me tighter.
"At first everything was good, but later it became violent and he was taking drugs. I was so afraid of him, but I was afraid of losing him to."
"Why where you afraid of that?"
"Cause he loved me."
"He loved you? Lance you don't beat the people you love."
"He only did that when he was afraid of losing me."
"God Lance I can't understand why you stayed with him so long."
"I didn't want to be alone, I was afraid of being alone If I left. The other guys weren't talking to me at the time, they we're still shocked at the fact that I was gay, I just was so scared,"
"It's okay Lance, I understand now, I'm just sorry I didn't know you back then, why would he try to kill you though?"
"I'm getting to that, I was so afraid of losing him that I spent more time with him and less time with the other guys considering they weren't talking to me anyway. I wanted to do things with Matt, maybe things old be better if I spent more time with him, did stuff he liked to do, unfortunately, the things he liked to do wasn't that great. I ended up taking drugs with him."
"What?"
"I almost overdosed at one point, until Josh stopped me."
"Damnit Lance, why would you do this to yourself?"
"You want the truth?"
"Yeah, what was going on that you would want to hurt yourself for some guy that was already doing that?"
"I wanted to kill myself, I truly did."
"My God, I'm so grateful to Josh now. It's a good thing he came in when he did."
"Yeah, I had a nervous breakdown though when he found me, I started screaming at him, and I hit him couple times, it took both Joey and Chris to pull me off of him. I'll never forgive myself for doing that to him. I'm surprised he had."
"He was worried about you James, he loves you."
"You called me James?" I felt a lot better when he called me that for some reason. All my fears and tears we're gone. I smiled at him. I usually don't be called James unless my friends are worried about me or if I'm in trouble with my mother.
"That's your name isn't it?"
He smiled back at me and ran his fingers through my hair.
"Yeah it is."
"You don't have to go on,"
"No, it's okay, I feel a lot better now. So when Joey and Chris pulled me off of him I confused to everything. They we're all really shocked and I think the were disappointed in me to. Josh hugged me and apologized for being a bad friend when I needed them most, they all apologized for that. we all went to counseling after that, they wanted to be there for me through what ever lied ahead. Things calmed down a bit afterwards, Matt had been arrested for armed robbery I Orlando, and I haven't seen him since that day of the concert."
"But I don't get why he tried to kill you?"
"To be honest I really don't know either. I mean I haven't herd or seen him since the day Josh and I got into that fight, after that the rest of the guys kept me away from him."
"If it's worth anything Lance, I'm glad he got me instead."
"No don't say that, I'm so sorry that this happened to you and then I go and treat you like this."
"But I lived through it, you might have been lucky, I'm glad it was me and that I made it, but I'm grateful it wasn't you. And you don't ever have to apologize for how you feel, you can't control that. I don't blame you for loving Josh, he saved your life."
"But so did you."
"I guess I did."
He smiled and I smiled back. he put his arm around me and pulled me close.
"I wish I knew you my whole life Lance, Josh is very lucky."
"I feel like I have known you my whole life, and I'm the lucky one."
"Let's try and get some sleep, you have a busy day tomorrow."
"Yes, mommy."
I herd him laughing. It was a great sound. I soon closed my eyes and fell asleep. I herd a low whispering but I couldn't understand it.
"I love you Lance so much."