The intensity of their joy in love-making was replaced with a sadness that approached depression as they dressed, gathered TJ's things, and walked to Neil's car.
The first several miles of the trip was unusually quiet with each boy lost in their separate thoughts. TJ was alternately reflecting on what a wonderful weekend he had and the emotional pain of having it end.
Neil had similar thoughts but was also exploring various ways that the two might see each other frequently without raising suspicions. None of the ideas that came to him were completely acceptable. As much as he wanted to be with his new lover continuously and permanently, there were practical realities to consider. Both had to finish their schooling and for that they were still dependent on their parents. Neil's mood darkened as he realized that sharing their love would be, at best, intermittent. Moreover, if their relationship were to be discovered, it would not only cause turmoil but could even jeopardize finishing their education. The situation seemed impossible. "No!" he reminded himself. Not impossible but improbable. There must be a way.
As they neared TJ's home, Neil pulled into a shopping center parking lot. None of the stores were open, the lot was almost empty, and it would afford at least a little bit of privacy. TJ was puzzled and asked, "Why are we stopping?"
Neil left the car running and turned to TJ. "I've been thinking," he began. "First of all, let me say that I love you and I want to spend my life with you. But there are problems we have to face. I have three more years of college. You have two more years of high school and then college after that. For the foreseeable future, we can't be together as much as we would like. It's going to be extremely difficult for both of us...especially because we're going to have to keep our love a secret. We can be honest with each other but we're going to have to be dishonest with everybody else. We'll have to sneak around to be together and even then there's a chance of our forbidden relationship to be discovered. I need to know whether you have thought that through and if you're willing to live like that for the next few years...and if you're willing to risk the disruption to your family if we're found out."
"We can work it out," TJ replied. His response was optimistic but didn't answer his boyfriend's questions.
"Maybe. Maybe not," Neil said. "It will be difficult for a long time and it's risky."
TJ thought for a few moments before responding. "I know it will be difficult. But I'm willing to wait until we can be together all the time. Look on the bright side. While we're waiting, the time we can be together will be all the more precious. I recognize the risk. If my father finds out about us, he's likely to kick me out of the house as soon as I turn 18. That would screw up my chances for college but it's a price I'm willing to pay. We'll just have to be very careful so he doesn't find out. At least for a while; he's going to find out eventually, even if it's years from now. So disappointing him and making him angry is inevitable whether it's soon or later."
"Let's be clear and honest with each other, TJ. Are you willing to accept his financial support until you finish your education even though you are at the same time deceiving him?"
TJ frowned as he recognized his dilemma. "Geez," he exclaimed. "I never thought of it that way."
"It's a tough choice, TJ, especially for you. I've come to admire your keen sense of right and wrong and now you're faced with a choice between two bad alternatives. Take some time to think it through. Call me if you want to talk about it. Okay?"
"Okay," TJ replied. "But let me ask you something. How do you feel about it? Are you willing to face the difficulties and take the risk? Can you be dishonest with your family?"
"My answer to that is an unequivocal yes. I'm willing to wait until we can come out and be together openly. My family will be surprised but - - except for my brother – I'm confident they will accept our relationship. I don't like deceiving them but I can live with it."
Neil leaned across to TJ and gave him a long kiss. Breaking the kiss, he said, "Now, we'd better get you home in time for church or your parents will be mad at both of us."
When TJ entered the house, Isabel was clearing up the kitchen from breakfast. She smiled at TJ and said, "Well now. Did you have a good time? And don't tell me more than I want to know."
TJ grinned back and said, "We had a wonderful time, Isabel."
"I'm glad," Isabel said as she returned to what she was doing. "Now get yourself upstairs. Your mother and father are getting ready for church and you should, too."
"So why are you here?" TJ asked. "Shouldn't you have the weekend off?"
"I'm going to visit my sister as soon as I clean up here. She's going in for some outpatient surgery tomorrow so your parents agreed to let me take Monday and Tuesday off to be with her."
"Nothing serious, I hope," TJ said.
"No. Now get yourself upstairs and changed. You know how your father gets when he's ready and you aren't."
TJ met his parents as they were coming downstairs and he was going up. His father told him to hurry and change; his mother asked if he had enjoyed his visit with Neil.
"Yes, it was fun," he replied without stopping to elaborate. He changed clothes quickly and was downstairs with time to spare before leaving for church. He didn't expect his father to inquire but he was surprised that his mother didn't ask for details about his weekend with Neil. He was also relieved because he was unprepared to say much about the music at the concert and he didn't know how his father would react to his choice of museums to visit.
The sermon in church was about the sanctity of marriage and the importance of the family unit. It didn't explicitly condemn premarital and extramarital sex or homosexuality but it used all of the code words and the message was clear to everyone there. TJ became agitated as he listened. He simply couldn't imagine loving a wife more than he loved Neil. Although he agreed that promiscuous sex was both improper and dangerous, he was more convinced than ever that a dedication of one's self to a partner of the same sex in a monogamous relationship was just as holy as traditional marriage. Moreover, if two people loved each other and were committed to each other, sex was an appropriate expression of that love. Biblical prohibitions were ambiguous when one considers the contortions of translations and the probable bias of the authors and translators. Apart from procreation (and there was already too much of that in the world!) and the ingrained prejudices of society, there seemed to him to be no rational argument against gay unions. If only he could convince his parents of that.
A passing reference in the sermon mentioned the fifth commandment to honor thy father and mother. That prompted TJ's to recall the dilemma Neil had brought up earlier that morning. Could he deceive his parents about the nature of his relationship with Neil? Could he disappoint them when (not if) he came out to them? The conflict would haunt him for a long time.
He also recalled a much earlier discussion in which Neil encouraged him to tell his father that he loved him. He had promised to do so but at an opportune time. Perhaps it would improve their relationship. Perhaps, when he learned that his son was gay, it would make the recognition just a little more palatable.
Later that afternoon, those thoughts would come back to him as he was in his room doing finishing his math homework. He went downstairs. His mother was in the family room reading. He knew his father would be in his office. He knocked on the open door of the office and said, "Got a minute?"
His father, without looking up from the computer screen and said, "Yes, what is it?"
Although his father seemed irritated at the interruption, TJ was determined to say what he had come to say. "I've been thinking about the sermon this morning ... the part about honor thy father and mother. I just wanted to say that I appreciate everything you've done for me..." (almost struggling to get the next words out) "...I love you."
His father, normally very articulate and very much in control of any conversation, just looked at his son for what seemed an awkward length of time. Finally, he managed to say, "Thanks. I love you, too. Is there anything else?"
TJ was disappointed with the matter-of-fact tone of his father's response. "No," he replied. "I just wanted to say I love you. I'll let you get back to work."
He then turned and started to leave. He had said what he wanted to say and he meant it. But his father's reaction did not rise above bland. It was almost as if his father had rejected his profession of love. That hurt. It was only then that TJ fully recognized that, in spite of a chilly relationship, he genuinely loved his father who now seemed to dismiss any reciprocation.
He had gone a few steps when he heard his father call, "TJ, come back."
TJ turned around to face his father through the open door. By this time, his disappointment had deepened and had taken control of his emotions. He fought to keep back the tears because he knew his father would ridicule him if he cried. He stood, not knowing whether to go back into the office or retreat to his room. "Come in and sit down," his father said.
For the first time in recent memory, he disobeyed his father; he turned and walked away because he feared crying more than he feared the consequences of disobedience. When he reached the stairs, he ran up them and down the hall to his room where he threw himself on the bed and allowed himself to cry. Why, he thought, was his father so cold, aloof, and authoritarian? Why couldn't he be more like other kids' fathers? Why couldn't he joke and tease and have fun like other kids' fathers?
As his mood worsened, his tears became sobs. He had everything that most boys don't but he would trade it all to have a dad instead of an aloof, authoritarian father.
About fifteen minutes later, he heard a knock on the door but he ignored it, hoping that whoever it was would just go away. Then, he heard the door open. He looked up and saw his father in the doorway. "Oh shit," he thought. "Not only did my father come to reprimand me for disobeying but he's seen me crying."
He buried his face into the pillow as if to make the world go away. He then felt the mattress beside him move. His father was sitting next to him. Then he felt his father's hand on his back gently rubbing him.
"Look at me, son."
TJ complied, certain only that his father would be angry.
"I'm sorry, son. I was too brusque. I regret how I reacted. It's just that you took me by surprise. But it made me think. It made me analyze what I've done ... and what I haven't done but should have. I want you to know that I do love you. I know I haven't shown it and haven't said it but I do. I could make excuses. I could blame it on being a professional lawyer when showing emotions has no place in the courtroom or at the negotiating table. But that would be a lame excuse. I wasn't like this when you sisters were growing up ... at least I hope not. But the fact is I've become an old curmudgeon. I didn't realize it until you said you loved me and I didn't respond as I should have. This is hard for me to say, son, but I haven't been the father that you deserve. In spite of my neglecting you, you walk in and say you love me. I'm deeply moved and grateful. And I'm sorry for the years when I should have been there for you."
TJ, who had expected a stern lecture about obedience and how a 15 year old boy shouldn't cry, was stunned as he listened to his father. His expression of love had not been rejected after all. Instead, it had triggered what TJ had wanted to hear for years.
"I'm very proud of you, son. I've always been proud of you ... for your academic record, your athletic achievements, and most of all for your character. No father could be more proud or love his son more than I do. My failure to tell you that sooner and more frequently is something that I will always regret."
Without any conscious thought, TJ sat up and hugged his father while tears of joy replaced the tears of sadness.
His father reflexively froze for a moment at the show of affection but then returned the hug. He was surprised to find that the embrace felt good.
After several glorious minutes, TJ broke the hug and said, "I love you, father. More now than ever before."
"Then will you do me a favor?" his father asked.
The request puzzled TJ but he quickly said, "Of course."
"Could you call me dad'? Father' is a little formal, don't you think?"
"Sure thing, dad," TJ grinned.
"You agreed to that so quickly, I'm going to press my luck and ask another favor."
"Anything!" TJ replied.
"I want to make up for lost time. If I ever forget to tell you that I love you at least twice a week, I want you to file charges of child neglect. Okay?"
They both laughed. TJ's dad returned to whatever he was doing in his office and TJ reached for his cell phone to tell Neil the good news.