A ROCKY ROAD
CHAPTER FIVE
After nearly an hour trying to solve his dilemma -- call Neil as he had promised Isabel or ignore the person who betrayed him and shattered his dreams -- he chose the coward's way out. He would fabricate an excuse for not going to visit Neil. It would be a lie but, he reasoned, not as significant as Neil's lie that he wanted to sleep late.
He was almost fearful as he picked up his cell phone. Could he control his temper? Could he tell the lie believably? Neil answered on the first ring. "TJ! Where are you? Are you all right? I'm worried sick about you."
"I'm fine, Neil. I just woke up with a touch of flu. It's not serious. I apologize for not calling but I just want to sleep it off. I'll be okay. Don't worry."
"Can I bring you something? Medicine? Orange juice?"
"NO!" TJ barked too emphatically because he certainly didn't want to face Neil -- certainly not now and perhaps never again! He softened his tone and added, "I don't want to give the flu to you. Now, if you don't mind, I just want to go back to bed."
TJ hung up without the customary `I love you' and without giving Neil a chance to say it. Neil was puzzled and worried about the abrupt end to the conversation. It wasn't like TJ to be so curt, even if he didn't feel well.
TJ returned to his bedroom and unleashed another flood of tears over his demolished dreams. He had loved Neil ... until this morning. He had wanted to spend the rest of his life with him. And now those hopes and dreams of happiness lay in ruins. The man he once loved had deceived him. The improbable love had been a sham, a pretense, a fraud.
Twenty minutes later, he heard a knock on his open bedroom door. He was temporarily confused because he knew no one else was in the house. Through his wet, bloodshot eyes he saw Isabel walking toward his bed. She scooped him up into a tight embrace and rocked him gently back and forth as TJ snuggled into her bosom and began to sob uncontrollably.
Isabel waited patiently for the sobs to subside and then said, "TJ, my darling. What's the matter?"
The distraught teen barely managed to speak. "It's over ... I was a fool to think it would last ... It was just a dream." His sobbing resumed.
Isabel, her eyes now wet out of sympathy for the boy she loved as her own, asked, "What's over, my dear? Tell me."
TJ didn't answer so she grabbed his shoulders, sat him upright, and commanded, "Tell me! I can't help you if you don't tell me."
TJ looked at her, stunned at the uncharacteristically authoritarian tone in her voice. It did, however, stem his flood of tears. "I can't tell you, Isabel. I promised you I wouldn't."
"Then it's about Neil, isn't it? I know I made you promise not to say anything to me about your love for him or what you do together but I can't bear to see you unhappy. I release you from that promise. Talk to me. Let me help if I can."
Reluctantly, TJ related what he had seen but not in the graphic detail that haunted his memory of the scene. He then proceeded to emphatically condemn Neil and bitterly complain that his happy life was ended.
Isabel listened patiently as TJ told the tragic story and let his anger and hopelessness pour forth. When he seemed to be finished, Isabel asked, "Did you call Neil and talk to him about it?"
"I called him ... but only because I promised you that I would. I told him I had the flu. He wanted to come to the house but I told him not to. I never want to talk to the..." he wanted to say `bastard' but, out of respect for Isabel, cut off the sentence.
Isabel hugged TJ and said, "I understand now why you're upset. Now come with me."
TJ was confused but followed her downstairs to the kitchen. "Sit down," she said. "We need to talk."
TJ, still emotionally drained, obediently complied. Isabel wordlessly filled the tea kettle and put it on the stove. She got a tea bag and a box of cocoa mix out of the cupboard. "I'll be right back," she said and walked through the utility room and into the garage.
What the fuck!' TJ thought. Here I am on the worst day of my life and she's thinking about tea and cocoa! As if that would solve anything!" Of course he didn't know -- but would have if he were thinking straight -- that Isabel was merely buying time to think of a way to help him.
She returned with a small grocery sack and set it on the counter as TJ's impatience grew. She put away the few groceries in the cupboard as TJ's impatience turned to irritation. When she began to fix the tea and cocoa, TJ blurted out, "Forget the cocoa! I'm going back to my room!"
Isabel turned around, looked at him with an expression of love that TJ failed to recognize, and said, "Not yet, please. We need to talk." She then placed the cups of tea and cocoa on the table and sat down.
"I understand why you're in pain, TJ. Because I love you like you were my own son, I want that pain to go away. You've told me what you saw but I'm not sure it's the whole story."
"There's no more to tell, Isabel. I saw Neil having sex with somebody else! I thought we had a loving relationship but I was wrong to think that it was real. I've been used! I was a fool to think that he loved me!"
"Let me tell you a story. When I was a young girl in Miami, only a couple of years older than you are now, I met the most wonderful guy. He worked in a warehouse and went to college part time. He was handsome and considerate. We dated for six months and I fell madly in love with him. One day he called me and said his boss wanted him to work overtime on Friday night so we couldn't go to a concert that we had been looking forward to. It was a popular Cuban singer that I'm sure you've never heard of. I was disappointed but I knew that he needed the extra work to pay for school. It turns out that I had the tickets and I really wanted to go to the concert so I asked a girl friend to go with me. As we left the auditorium, I saw Juan. He was walking arm in arm with a very attractive girl. They were talking and laughing. I followed them to the parking lot, saw them hug each other and get in separate cars. I was sure that he was `two-timing' me. That's a term you probably don't use but I convinced myself that he had taken the other girl to the concert, thinking that I would not go without him. I called him the next day and accused him of lying and dating another girl. I was so angry, I hung up on him. He called me several times but I had told my mother and father that I didn't want to talk to him. About a week later, he came to the house. My father answered the door but didn't want to invite him in. Finally, though, Juan persuaded my father to let him in. When I saw him come into the kitchen, I was furious because I never wanted to see him again. I was so angry I confronted him about taking another girl to the concert. He claimed that the girl was his cousin who was in town for a few days but I didn't believe him."
"So his `date' for the concert was his cousin?" TJ asked, not yet connecting the story to his own anger toward Neil.
"Yes. She had arrived the day before the concert from Laredo, Texas and was staying with Juan's parents for a week's vacation."
"So what happened then?"
"Don't believe what you hear about the `Latin temper' but our argument was pretty loud. I was mad that he lied to me and dated another girl; he was mad that I didn't trust him. The rest of the story is long and complicated but Juan and I never made up. Two years later, I heard that he had married. I should have been happy for him but I was mostly sad that it was not me."
Isabel quietly sipped her tea while TJ thought about her story and finally connected the dots.
"That's a sad story, Isabel. But my situation is different. You didn't see them having sex, not even kissing. Neil was having sex!"
"My point is, TJ, what we see or hear may not be what it seems. They say that love is blind. I know the love you have for Neil is real and that he loves you. Maybe, just maybe, your love for him is blinding you to something that would explain what you saw."
TJ grew agitated as he almost shouted, "But what could possibly explain his having sex with somebody?"
Isabel paused and said quite calmly, "There's only one way for you to find out."
TJ waited for his beloved Isabel to suggest something but she just looked at him lovingly. Eventually, he said, "You want me to confront him?"
"No," she replied. "Don't confront him. Talk to him. Tell him what you saw. Tell him what you think. And then listen! Suppose there's an explanation. Wouldn't you want to hear it? Don't you really want to protect and cherish the love that you've shared?"
TJ pondered what he had heard. Then, half by impulse and half in gratitude, he stood, walked over to Isabel's chair, gave her a meaningful kiss on the cheek, and said, "You've always given me good advice. I love you more every day."
"If you love me, TJ, it's just a reflection of how deeply I love you."
"Hey!" TJ exclaimed as he returned to his chair. "I didn't drink my cocoa and it's cold now."
Isabel was inordinately pleased that her TJ was beginning to return to a more normal attitude and watched the young man put his cup in the microwave to reheat.
"Can I fix you another cup of tea, my goddess?"
Isabel let out an embarrassed giggle and declined the offer.
TJ returned to the table with his cocoa and said, "So tell me. Why are you here? I thought you took the weekend off. I said on the phone that I was all right."
"That's what you said, TJ. But I heard the pain in your voice. You never have been able to fool me, have you?"
TJ laughed and was about to reply when the door bell rang. He looked at Isabel who looked back, both with quizzical expressions and wondering who might be at the door.
"I'll get the door," Isabel said before standing and walking out of the kitchen.
Isabel returned, followed by Neil whose worried expression was obvious. TJ immediately tensed up at the sight of his boy friend and the image of him having sex sprang into his consciousness like a monster's sudden appearance in a horror movie.
"TJ, fix your friend a cup of cocoa. I've got to get back to my sister's house. We're in the middle of making a quilt and she needs help finishing it. I should be back tomorrow afternoon. But..." she added with emphasis, "You can call me if you need anything."
Before the door closed behind the departing Isabel, Neil said, "I know you said not to come but I was worried about you. Are you all right? Is there anything I can do for you?"
"I'm fine," TJ mumbled while staring at his cocoa.
Neil walked over to kiss TJ on the back of the neck but TJ backed away from him.
Neil sat next to TJ and said, "What's wrong, TJ? It's obvious something is bothering you. Talk to me!"
TJ, still staring at his cocoa to avoid eye contact with Neil, tried to quell his anger and eventually marshaled his courage. "I was at your dorm room today. I saw you having sex with somebody. I slammed the door and ran to my car. WHAT MADE YOU DO IT, NEIL?"
Neil was stunned that TJ had witnessed at least part of the despicable scenario but at least it answered the question of who slammed the door. He reached across the table to hold hands with TJ who tried to pull back but Neil gripped his hands tightly until TJ relaxed.
"Look at me, TJ."
Desperately but unsuccessfully trying to hold back his tears, TJ raised his head and looked at Neil.
"I've never lied to you," Neil said earnestly. "I never will. I respect and love you too much to deceive you and I certainly would not cheat on you. Do you believe me?"
TJ did not reply. He wanted to believe Neil but he was not sure he could. What he had seen was simply too incriminating.
Neil proceeded to relate how he woke up, thinking that TJ was licking his cock, how he was startled by the door slamming, how he was shocked to see Cory lapping up cum from his crotch, how he flew into a rage and beat the whimpering little shit and dragged him out of the room, and, finally, how distraught he became at not being able to contact the `one and only love of his life.' He concluded by saying, "Every word is true, TJ. And this is, too. I love you. I would never hurt you. Your love means more to me than I could possibly express."
"How did Cory get in your room?" TJ challenged.
"Remember? I told you I would leave the door unlocked for you. Cory must have walked in while I was asleep."
"And why would he even be on campus? It's summer!"
"I don't know, TJ. All I can be sure about is that he is a selfish, thoughtless asshole. He took advantage of me while I was sleeping."
Still not ready to fully accept Neil's explanation, TJ countered with, "But you were smiling! You had you hand on his head!"
"I was half asleep. I was expecting you. I thought you were giving me your customary wake-up treatment."
TJ processed everything he had heard. The only illogical part was Cory being on campus during the summer break. However, he decided to believe the story. Then, suddenly, he felt ashamed ... ashamed of not trusting his lover. His tears turned to sobs and he struggled to say, "Oh, Neil! I've been such a jealous fool. How can you ever forgive me for not trusting you?"
"Given what you saw, TJ, I can understand how you felt and why you got angry. I'm sorry that you had to go through it. Believe me. I'll never cheat on you. I'll never hurt you. I love you. Our love means everything to me."
TJ fell into Neil's open arms and the two teens hugged each other so tightly that their souls seemed to rejoin into a more permanent and profound bond.
After several minutes, Neil lifted TJ's chin, looked lovingly into his eyes, and said, "The house is empty. May I show you how much I love you?"
TJ's smile radiated his newly regained happiness. Wordlessly, he led Neil by the hand up to his bedroom.
Upon entering the bedroom, Neil grabbed his lover in an embrace and kissed him passionately for several minutes as both teens' cocks began to stir and then inflate.
Neil broke the kiss and said, "After what you've been through today, I want to demonstrate my devotion to you. I want you to know without a doubt that you are the only one I love. If it's all right with you, I'd like to worship your beautiful body with my hands, my mouth, and my tongue. This is all about you, my love. Let me prove my infinite commitment to making you happy."
"That's sweet of you, Neil, and I gladly grant your wish. I'm yours to do with what you like. My body is yours to do as you please. You own my mind and my soul. Most of all, you have captured my heart. But it can't be all about me. I'm sorry for not trusting you, for being angry with you, and for making you worry about me. I want to make it up to you by giving you pleasure, too."
The love-struck teens tenderly and seductively undressed each other. Naked, they laid down on the bed. They hugged, kissed, repeatedly reaffirmed their mutual love, massaged, fondled, and enjoyed the pure bliss of giving and receiving sensual stimulation.
Their foreplay lasted for half an hour until Neil repositioned himself to give full attention to his lover's cock and offer his own to TJ's expert mouth.
They lavished attention on each other's center of erotic pleasure. Each of them would pause periodically when he sensed his partner was on the brink of orgasm in order to prolong his lover's arousal and sensual delight. Ultimately, however, their urges to ejaculate reached a peak from which there could be no retreat. With subtle and practiced nonverbal signals, TJ let his partner know that the time was near. Neil responded in like manner and they erupted into each other's mouth simultaneously, wanting to cry out in erotic joy but wanting more to accept every drop of their partner's love cream.
When they recovered from their debilitating orgasm, they felt physically drained but emotionally fulfilled. They cuddled together for an hour more, saying little more than to affirm their love and commitment.
When Isabel returned to the house late Sunday afternoon, she found the two teens frolicking in the swimming pool. She watched them for a while, thinking, `What a lovely couple! Please, God, protect them from harm so they can enjoy their lives together.'
After admiring them both for several minutes -- and feeling perhaps a little jealous for the love they shared, love that she had never experienced -- she called out, "Are you boys getting hungry? I can fix dinner for you."
"Thanks, Isabel," TJ called back. "That would be wonderful."
Neil promptly added, "It will be even better if we can enjoy your company over dinner."
Isabel replied, "Give me an hour to fix it. Will that be all right?"
"Just fine," TJ said. "We were about to come inside anyway."
During dinner, nothing was mentioned about the teens' misunderstanding. As Isabel began to clear the table, however, TJ said, "Let us clear up, Isabel. After all, this should be a day off for you."
Isabel protested but finally agreed, saying, "All right. And thanks." She turned to leave and added, "I'm going up to my room. Call me if you need anything."
The boys recognized the implicit message: `You two can be assured of privacy.'
TJ stood and said to Isabel, "There's one thing I need before you leave. I need to hug you and thank you for ..." He paused. He couldn't mention the conversation where he revealed why he was distraught or her compassionate understanding. "... for everything you've done to help me."
Saying goodbye to Neil, who had to return to campus, was particularly difficult. If anything, the misery of losing his lover and the repair of the relationship had brought them closer together.
On the following Wednesday, Neil received a letter. Oddly, there was no return address on the envelope. Curious, Neil opened the envelope to find a letter from Cory:
Dear Neil,
I want to apologize for what I did to you. I don't expect you to forgive me and I'm not asking you to. But I hope you will believe me when I tell you how terrible I feel.
I came to campus to ask for your advice. You were absolutely right when you said I was arrogant, selfish, and foolish. It wasn't easy for me to admit that to myself but, believe it or not, I finally did. You are the only person with the courage and honesty to tell me that so I wanted your advice on how to control my sexual compulsion. Also, I hoped you could suggest how to find a meaningful relationship--apparently the kind that you and TJ have.
When I saw you asleep in bed with your bare chest and stomach exposed, I started down a slippery slope. In spite of the reason I drove all the way to campus to talk to you, I couldn't resist the temptation to peek at your body. I thought it would do no harm. But it did. I should have had sense not to do it but I yielded to the temptation. What I did after that was disgusting and I will always regret it. And by the way, your reaction was perfectly justified. I deserved what I got.
The experience taught me one thing. I'm a despicable fag, not a respectable gay man like you. I don't have your strength to resist temptation. I can't control what I say and do. Instead, I take any risk in the hope of getting an immediate and fleeting gratification. This may sound like self-hatred and perhaps it is but I think it's an honest analysis of what I am.
You told me once that I needed professional help. I didn't agree with you then but on the drive back home I came to the same conclusion. However, my parents would have to pay for it and therefore would have to know why. I came out to my parents on Sunday. I emphasized that I was gay but the help I needed was in controlling my destructive behavior. I begged for their understanding but their reaction was what I expected. My father yelled insults at me. I would have accepted his vicious insults if they were about my foolish behavior but he was condemning me for being gay. As if I had chosen to be what I am! My mother cried hysterically and left the room.
My father said, "I will not have a queer son! As of this moment, you are no longer my son! You have 24 hours to pack your things and get out! You're 19 years old so I'm no longer responsible for you."
The next day, he had not changed his mind so I've packed up a few things and will be leaving soon. Before I left, I wanted to apologize to you. I know you can't forgive me but I hope you can forget me and what I did.
Cory
P.S. Don't try to contact me by calling my parents. It would only upset them more. And don't worry about me, either. My plan is to become a hustler in a gay bar. A gay whore is not the best of careers but there are lots of old men who will pay for sex and it will give me what I want - money to live on and lots of sex.
Neil re-read the letter and cried--for the lost soul he had viciously beaten, for the abandoned son whose parents were so cruel, for the bigotry that stigmatizes homosexuality, and for the suffering of an intelligent but unwise young man.
To be continued.