AN IMPROBABLE LOVE
Author's Note
This fictional story describes how two boys met and spontaneously fell in love. It explores their feelings, fears, and frustrations as they overcome family and social pressures and allow their suppressed needs to be fulfilled. You will find some descriptions of gay sex in this story but you will be disappointed if sex is your only interest. If, however, you are interested in the emotional satisfactions of a meaningful relationship and how two boys' commitment to each other helps them cope in an environment that is toxic to homosexuals, then you may find this story more to your liking.
Chapter Four
As soon as they had dressed, Neil said, "I really don't want to but I have to get back to campus. I've got a paper due on Monday and I haven't even started it. But before I go, I want to make one thing very clear. I want to see you again. It may seem like I got what I wanted - - sex -- and so I'm leaving. That's not it at all. I like you TJ. I like you a lot. I've never felt that way about anybody else. I want to be your friend if you're willing."
"Willing? That's an understatement. Nothing would please me more than to be your friend. Of course I enjoyed the sex; it was awesome, a dream come true. But I've liked you from the moment we met and -- this may sound corny -- but the sex meant more to me because I love you."
"I'm flattered, TJ. But don't you think it's too early to talk about love? We've known each other for less than a day. Love is something that develops over a longer time. Perhaps love will come as we get to know each other better. To say that love can develop in just two days is impossible."
"Improbable maybe but not impossible." TJ said. "I've never been in love so I don't know what it's like. But I know that you're always in my thoughts -- at least since last night -- and you've made me very happy. I know I would be happy with you forever. And I want to make you happy. If that's love, then I love you."
Neil had similar feelings but wasn't quite ready to label those feelings as 'love.' He was certainly not ready to say he was in love. That's because he remembered how he felt after his first relationship with another boy. He was ready at that time to call it 'love' and told the boy he loved him. But that soured the relationship. The other boy was interested only in sex without a long term commitment. For Neil, sex with his boyfriend was never the same again. Neil promised himself never to make that mistake again.
He was also aware that what TJ thought was love might be just the lingering euphoria of his first gay sex. He wanted TJ to have time to evaluate the experience and the potential of a relationship with a cooler head. Yes, he wanted to see TJ again and he hoped that the relationship would take root, grow, and bloom into genuine love. But he also harbored the fear that TJ would change his mind after the exhilaration of his first gay sex subsided. In short, he was afraid of the pain of losing TJ. That made him reluctant to admit that he, too, might be in love.
"Until next time," Neil said and wrapped his arms around TJ's waist and drew him into a hug. TJ threw his arms around Neil's neck. As they locked lips and tongues, Neil dropped his hands and he cupped TJ's ass cheeks. Pulling TJ even closer, he pressed their crotches together.
Breaking the kiss, Neil said, "Damn. I want to stay here with you but I have to get back to campus. I don't know if I'll be able to concentrate on my paper, though. I'll be thinking of you."
"Then we'll be thinking of each other," TJ said.
When Neil left the house, TJ went to his room, laid on his bed, and thought of the improbable situation -- the improbability of meeting the boy of his dreams, the even more improbable fact that they had sex together, and the improbability (although not impossibility) of falling so quickly in love. He replayed the events of the previous evening, the morning tennis, and the mounting feelings of affection and frustration that he had during that time. Then he replayed the events on the sofa: the massage, the timid exploration of Neil's ass, Neil's reaction, and, of course, the ecstasy of oral sex. Not surprisingly, that caused his cock to inflate to a full erection.
For over an hour, TJ replayed the events, burning them into his memory. But then he began to speculate on the future. He wanted to see Neil again ... but did Neil really want to see him again? He had said he loved Neil but Neil dismissed that as being premature. Neil said he wanted to see him again but he left without making any arrangements for another meeting. He said that he liked him but was he just being polite? Was it, after all, just an afternoon delight? Was he merely another notch on Neil's rifle stock? Had he been used and would he then be discarded? Perhaps he could phone Neil and set up another meeting. But Neil had not given him a phone number. Was that a deliberate omission on his part?
TJ's doubts grew and he began to despair of seeing Neil again.
Eventually, he fell asleep, having slept very poorly the night before. He was awakened by his father calling him to dinner. As the fog of his nap dissipated, he thought of Neil, the elation of their oral sex mixed with the fear that it would not happen again. Reluctantly, he got up, went to the bathroom to piss and to freshen up, and went downstairs.
"How was the tennis?" his mother asked cheerfully as she was setting the table in the kitchen.
"Fine," TJ replied, trying, unsuccessfully, to mask his conflicting emotions.
His father, who as a trial lawyer was sensitive to moods and tone of voice in others, suspected that there might have been a problem. "Everything went well, then?" he asked. "Tell me about it."
TJ had too many experiences with his father's questioning skill not to recognize that he was being cross-examined. But he had also learned how to evade and how to conceal whatever mischief or mistakes he wanted to hide from his father. In fact, it had almost become a competition between them. His father probed, used trick and leading questions while TJ creatively omitted facts or invented new ones to avoid being convicted of whatever misdeed his father suspected. Unfortunately, the game they played (without ever admitting to the other that it was a competitive game) had driven a wedge into their relationship since neither was willing to divulge their real motives, thoughts, or emotions. His father frequently used entrapment as a tactic, which only caused TJ to become more skilled in evasion. Their competitive gamesmanship had another consequence. It pushed TJ deeper into the closet out of fear that his father might win a round and uncover his real needs and urges.
"Neil is quite good," TJ said, adopting a tone that, for him, was the norm. "I beat him, of course, but he was a worthy opponent. I was particularly impressed with his backhand."
The score was TJ: 1 ... his father: 0.
"What did you do for lunch," his mother inquired.
"We got a pizza and came back here. We talked for just a little while but Neil had to get back to campus to work on a paper for Monday."
"That's nice. I'm glad you enjoyed yourselves," his mother said as she set the casserole on the table. "He's such a nice young man. Bright, talented, and friendly, too." That comment, TJ recognized since he knew his mother as well as his father, was code for 'He's a role model for you, TJ.'
TJ couldn't help but chuckle inwardly wondering how hysterical his mother would be if she knew just how talented and friendly Neil was and what they had done together on the sofa. And that covert message, 'role model,' was particularly ironic.
They ate dinner; TJ's parents did all the talking (which suited TJ just fine), and they went their separate ways. TJ went up to his bedroom, ostensibly to study, his father went into his study to work on some dusty legal briefs, his mother cleaned up the kitchen and went to the basement media room to practice for an upcoming concert.
TJ had homework to do but couldn't get started because thoughts of Neil dominated his mind. Yes, he decided, he loved Neil. But he had serious doubts about Neil's feelings toward him. There was nothing he could do but wait ... and hope ... that Neil would call.
Sunday dragged on. After the obligatory attendance at church and brunch in a local restaurant, TJ retreated to his room. He was grateful that his parents had made no further reference to Neil. There was no reason to believe that his father suspected him of 'deviant and immoral' behavior but there was always the possibility of saying the wrong thing or saying the right thing in the wrong way and his father would pick up on it and begin to probe. Both his father and his mother would react irrationally if they learned their son was queer. They would probably send him away to some 'rehabilitation' center to be 'cured.' He would never see Neil, the boy he loved, again.
A despondent TJ went to bed early Sunday night. He had not heard from Neil. That Neil was probably busy working on his term paper did little to comfort TJ. Was that brief Saturday morning and delightful hour on the sofa after lunch going to be no more than a memory to be cherished?
And how did Neil spend his Sunday? Much like TJ. He had spent the remainder of Saturday in the library and on the computer doing research for his paper. He could normally crank out a term paper in half a day but thoughts of TJ derailed his normal concentration and it was nearly midnight before he had the paper ready for submission the next day. He wanted to call TJ all day and now it was far too late. He finally went to bed but his mind kept presenting him with images of TJ -- his fluid, athletic performance on the tennis court -- his admirable body in the shower -- his nervous, innocent behavior over lunch -- and, of course, the culmination of their time together when they let their sensual side take flight on the sofa.
TJ was the boy he had hoped for but two obstacles remained before he could hope to have a committed relationship. First, he knew that TJ had been a virgin and his first gay experience might be clouding his judgment. Second, TJ might resist committing to a long-term relationship with love as a basis and sex as an expression of that love. He had suffered rejection from a previous partner who viewed sex as the only basis for being together. Before he fell asleep, he resolved to 'court' TJ with determination to win his genuine love but with caution not to harbor too many false hopes of success nor risks of being burned again.
TJ went to school on Monday but his mind was rarely on learning in class. He went to swimming practice after school but that soured his mood further because the coach berated him for lack of effort. It seems that seeing him team mates in their tight-fitting, competition-style swim suits only brought reminders of Neil's perfectly proportioned body. Two of his team mates, whom he had previously admired and fantasized over, no longer interested him. He was obsessed with Neil and was convinced that Saturday afternoon was, for Neil, nothing more than just a quick sexual encounter.
He arrived home just before five. Isabel was beginning to fix dinner since TJ's parents had requested an early meal in order to attend a political rally at 7:00. "TJ," she called out to the boy as he moped past the kitchen. "There's a telephone message for you. It's from Neil. He left a number and said you could call anytime because he would be up late."
TJ was jarred out of his funk by the news. Eagerly, he snatched the note from Isabel and mumbled, "Thanks," as he almost ran to his room. Isabel was not sure why TJ had come home in an obviously bad mood (he had not greeted her with his usually cheerful "Hi!") and she was curious why the message seemed to mean so much to TJ. But that's a teenage boy, she thought to herself and went back to work on dinner.
He threw his back pack on the bed and dug through it frantically for his cell phone. Nervously, he started to dial the number but then stopped. He had realized that he would have to think through how and what to say to Neil. He would surely have to let him know that he wanted to see him again but he didn't want to sound too eager. He thought through several possible reasons for Neil's call and tried to form a plan to react to each. Finally, with more anticipation than dread but still nervous, he dialed the number again.
"Hello."
"Hi. This is TJ. You called?"
"Yes. Thanks for calling back. How are you?"
"Fine ... now," TJ replied and immediately regretted the phrasing because Neil might wonder and ask why he was not fine earlier and he didn't want to confess the torture he suffered worrying about not seeing Neil again.
As TJ feared, Neil asked, "Now? You weren't before? Are you all right?"
"Yes, I'm fine. Just a bad day at school and swim practice didn't go as well as it should have. But that happens sometimes. Tomorrow will be better, I'm sure."
"I hope so," Neil said and, to TJ's relief, changed the subject. "I just wanted to thank you again for Saturday. I really enjoyed the tennis and ... and everything."
"I did, too," TJ replied. "Especially the 'everything.' It was the best day of my life."
"I've worried about that, TJ. I've worried that you might have some regrets about what happened ... I mean, I was afraid that I took advantage of you. Are you sure you're okay with what we did?"
"Absolutely. I've wanted it for years and ... I have to be honest with you ... I wanted it with you from the time we first met. You made me very happy."
"Then I'm happy, too." Neil gushed. "Not only did I enjoy it but now I know that you did, too. Say ... by the way ... are you alone? Can we talk?"
"I'm in my room on the cell phone. The door's closed. Isabel is in the kitchen and my parents ... well ... if they're home they aren't around."
"Good. I've thought about you a lot, TJ. I could hardly do my term paper because I was thinking about you. You know that I've had sex before but it was special with you. Believe me when I say it was the best I've ever had. I was hoping ... if it's all right with you ... that we could see each other again."
Tears of happiness welled up in TJ's eyes and he struggled to say, "Oh, Neil. You don't know how much I've wanted to hear you say that. I've hardly thought about anything else but I was afraid I wouldn't see you again. That's why I had such a bad day at school. I couldn't concentrate. You told me not to say 'I love you' and I won't. But I can't help thinking it."
"Love may come, TJ. I hope it does. Right now, it's admiration ... affection ... attraction ... whatever. But let's not ignore it. Let's see if things work out for us. Can we do that?"
"Of course."
"Great! Now, when can I see you again?"
"Tonight!" TJ exclaimed. "My parents are going to some political meeting after dinner. Isabel will be in her suite watching TV. We'll have the house to ourselves from about 6:30 until 9:00 or so. Is that okay with you?"
"That's wonderful. But wait. Let me think a minute," Neil replied while TJ wondered what there was to think about. "We may need a cover story. If your parents or Isabel see me there, we should have a reason."
"Good thinking," TJ replied. "Suppose you just dropped by to loan me a CD that I asked for."
"Good. I'll bring a cassette tape of my recital. In fact, it might be better if your parents do see me. You can casually comment that I'll stop by because you asked me for the tape. I'll show up just before they leave. We'll act like we're just two friends. Then, when they leave, we can be really friendly. You say they're leaving around 6:30?"
TJ was won over by the logic of Neil's plan. "That's great, Neil. I admire your thinking." A thought made TJ laugh.
"What's funny?" Neil inquired.
Still chuckling, TJ managed to say, "My mother will be delighted that you came to see me. She likes you and has dropped a few hints that you could be a role model for me. If only she knew!"
They both laughed at the irony of the situation but TJ continued, "And my father... He told me once of a case he tried in court. He was on the prosecution team. The defendant was found innocent of a conspiracy charge. I don't pretend to understand the intricate details of the case but my father was livid and said, 'the bastard got away with it. All his dealings were out in the open so the jury acquitted him. He was hiding in plain sight.' So that's what we'll be doing: hiding in plain sight."
After another round of laughter, Neil said, "That's beautiful. But we'll still have to be careful. I hate to think what would happen if your parents ... or mine ... found out about us."
"I agree, Neil. We can maintain an innocent facade but show our love for each other in private. Oh Oh! I'm sorry. I used the word, love, and I promised not to."
"That's all right, TJ. I know what you meant -- hot, steamy sex. I'm getting horny already."
"So am I. I'm hard just thinking about it."
"Well leave it alone. I want to take care of your beautiful cock myself."
"See you tonight, then."
TJ flipped his cell phone closed, terminating the call, and whooped. He bounded down the stairs, kissed Isabel on the cheek as she was setting the table, and said, "What's for dinner, sweetheart? I'm starved."
TJ hadn't kissed her in years and she gave him an incredulous look before answering, "Pork chops, baked potato, string beans ... and I'm glad to see that my favorite teenager is back to normal."