All I Want
As I sat there trying to concentrate on this fantasy novel I picked out called, "GemBox", I just couldn't help the way my eyes gazed at Eric's nice butt frame on his shorts while he laid on his stomach playing a racing game with Adrien. His buns were just so round and tight like you just want to bite and play with them. And yeah, Adrien's ass is nice too, but it's more of a so-so kind or maybe his is not my type.
It's been two months now since I came to this quiet old town and became Eric's friend. My only friend...and yeah maybe Adrien too but for some weird reason, we were like Oreo cookies. Eric was the filling that made us stick together. Without him or when he's gone, Adrien and I just go separate ways. Not that it's my fault. Sure I'll hang out with him but I don't know...it's like he has this grudge against me or something.
"Are you sure you don't want to play Matt?" Eric asked me while dragging himself closer to Adrien until their arms touched each other. Weird, I just felt jealous all of a sudden just seeing them both so close to each other. Makes me think that they're...no, they can't be. Gotta stop thinking that way! Eric is NOT going out with Adrien! Bullshit! Why would he anyways? I know he gives more care and love than any guy can, but that's not a reason to think of him that way.
I said no to him. I admit, I like...no LOVE Eric. I'd do anything for him. The moment I saw him carrying Annie in that mall, I fell in love. Now I'm starting to believe in love at first sight. Maybe it's the way he talks, or acts, or the way he looks, or maybe all of the above...I don't know. All I know is that I can't stop loving this guy who's been my first good friend in this new school.
I sighed. I just want him so bad. To hug him, kiss him; make love with him on my bed. That would be so romantic? And like, we'd go to the movies and sit in the back and instead of watching the movie, we'd look at each other's eyes sparkling from the movie, then we'd get closer and closer to each other until his strawberry lips touched mine, giving me weird, but loving and incredible sensations. Bah! Stupid imagination! Only ends up in my mind, never in real life.
Few hours later, I still couldn't get my mind on the stuff I was reading. All I could think about was Eric. The way he giggled when he won a race, the way he screamed when his car slammed into a post. Sigh, he sounds so heavenly to me. It's like he hasn't hit puberty yet. Agghh! I gotta stop thinking of him! But then again, what's so wrong with that? It's only teenage lust.
"YAWN! Eric I'm pretty sleepy, I wanna go home," Adrien insisted yawning intensely.
Eric whispered, "Alright, I'll just tell Matt then we could go alright?"
Eric rose up and called out my name. I put the book down and replied, "Yeah?"
"We need to go, Adrien's getting tired."
"Okay, are you going too?" I asked miserably.
"Yeah, I have to. Umm....I'm kind of tired too. It's already ten pm and we stayed up all night yesterday," he explained. I guess I can't make him stay for a while. Adrien was already putting his shoes on and checking the mirror to fix his hair while Eric kneeled down and tidied up the playstation controller and the console. I helped him tidy up my place.
"Sorry about messing up your bedroom. I'll clean it up before we lea..."
This might be the boldest move I ever did but I didn't care. In fact, it felt like a really big step for telling him physically that I love him. I held his hand just when it accidentally touched mine while taking one of the controllers. It had a smooth texture, soft, and it was a bit warm. But I couldn't really concentrate on that. I actually held his hand and he didn't pull away. I didn't know what I was doing by then. I was smiling like hell and I felt deep blushes forming in my face. I felt like I was in bliss just touching his adorable hand. He didn't move. Resting his butt on the floor now while still kneeling, he never let his hand go. In unison, we looked at each other's eyes slowly. He was so beautiful. His silky blonde hair hung down to his eyebrows slightly covering his forehead and his blue eyes had little fireworks in them. Slowly, a dab of rose pink formed in his cheeks.
"Oh man! Look at this I have a big zit on my forehead!"
Our hands quickly retracted. I was scared like shit and no way I'm doing that again. But I liked it...and I think he liked it too. Oh my god, I think he did. No fucking way!! My heart pace quickened and my brain screamed to do it again. Eric quickly rose up and hurriedly put his shoes on. Eric said quickly, "Adrien, I'm really sleepy! L-let's go."
Why is he reacting this way? I was somewhat...hurt. I don't know. Was it me? Did I do something wrong? I acted like nothing happened at all. "See ya guys! My mom will lock the door so don't worry about that!"
"Thanks Bud!" Adrien said while Eric, like a shadow, followed Adrien. After I heard the front door shutting, I immediately closed my bedroom and cleaned my place as quick as I could. What am I doing?! Why am I ruining this great relationship I'm having with Eric?! FUCK! I...I just want to be normal. I want to like girls, not boys. I want to be a football player, not a bookworm. I want to go out and have some fun rather than locking myself inside my bedroom. I want to go out with someone that I know that likes me...I want to be normal.
All night I cried. Reasons? So many. One reason is being me. A faggot. Another is not having Eric. Mainly that I suppose. Another is being so lonely all through my life. I don't want to go and on it'll just make things even worse. I'll get hurt even more and I can't take being hurt anymore. God, if only Eric could lie in my arms and say I love you. That'll surely take away all my sorrows and cares in the world. Him...saying I love you to me, god I'm so delirious!
The next day I went to school, I acted the way I usually do everyday. Walking through the hallways, I kept my eyes on the ground afraid that someone might look at me in disgust. I'm not ready for that. I heard some girls giggle, heard some guys talking about jumping someone, heard someone talk about their night with their girlfriend.
I cruised through the rest of the periods alone and isolated as always. I stayed in the library since I couldn't see Eric or Adrien anywhere in the cafeteria or in the whole school. It was really weird coming back to the library. Since Eric and Adrien showed some of the best things the world can offer to me, I finally realized that library wasn't one of them.
I sat there thinking of Eric while my head slumped down on the novel I was reading. Thinking how he might say I love you back, whether on his knees, or maybe at my window serenading a song about how he feels towards me, or maybe...maybe after a sweet kiss he'll plant on my lips. I closed my eyes and imagined it...imagining just him...and me...in my bed.
While lying down on my bed, he approached me from my feet crawling on all fours getting closer to my head. Softly and sweetly, he whispered to my ear, "I love you Matt." I felt his nakedbody resting on mine when he grabbed my head slowly with both of his hands. He planted a kiss on my forehead, then my nose...then my lips. His soft lips brushed my lips tenderly as he slowly entered his luscious tongue into me. He tasted so sweet like honey...but even sweeter. He made high pitch groans as my hands explored every inch of his skin until I worked into his ass cheeks. I squeezed each bun softly then I started massaging them harder and harder. My fingertips rubbed his pink pucker and shortly after, my middle finger slowly thrust its way in and out easily without any lubrication. He moaned wildly and started humping my finger faster and faster. As my tongue now explored his mouth, I tasted the sweetness of his juices and felt his extreme warmth. He frowned and gasped as another finger went inside him. His breathing became harder and I could see his uncut penis became harder and harder. My left hand wrapped around his hard member. It was so hot as I pumped him nice and slow. My cock couldn't take the eroticness. My fingers inside him were replaced with my hard aching cock. It felt sooo good to be inside him. It was so tight and hot that my cock throbbed madly and weird feelings ran from my cock to my head. Slowly, I pushed it in deeper and deeper until I felt his ass touching my pubic hairs. We didn't move for a second while Eric gasped for air. Slowly, he started pulling his ass up, then down again, then up rubbing my aching cock with his warm sphincter muscle. I couldn't move at all from all this incredible feeling. He grabbed his dick and started pumping it hard and fast while his ass went up and down my throbbing dick harder and aggressively now. I could feel it starting to rise.
"Fuck!!! unnhhhhaaaAAHH!!!!" Cum spurted out of my dick into his tight hole lubricating my dick inside him. He gasped and his dick spurted a thick rope of cum into my face and another landing onto my chest and the others trickled down on his hands as he pumped incredibly fast before stopping and falling on top of me. My dick was getting soft while still inside him and as soon as it became normal, there was a quiet plop sounded when my dick emerged from his ass. Both of us were panting like crazy. My fingers brushed the strands of hair away from his forehead before whispering to him, "Eric...I....love...y..."
"RIINGGGG!!!!"
My eyes quickly opened and I raised my head up. DAMMIT!! It was only a dream! But WHAT a DREAM?! It felt so real that my cock was as hard as steel inside my briefs! Sigh...his ass humping my hard throbbing cock...oh MAN!!! I was soo into it that I soaked the book I was reading with my drool!
All day long, the only thing that was in my head was that erotic dream I had in the library. My mind kept on flying in fantasy land to think of the dream again. It was so damn erotic that my private member down there couldn't get soft until I got home.... and.saw Eric! It was weird; he was sitting down on my bed Indian-style, his head resting on his hands.
How the hell did he get here inside my bedroom?! I'm sure no one was at home. But then again, did I give a fuck?! He's here...in my bedroom and we're alone. I closed the door loudly so he could hear me coming inside my room. He looked up to look at me. He had the same scared nervous look in his eyes that he had last night, and I could see that his hands were shaking furiously. I smiled, "Hi Eric! Didn't see you at school. And how'd you get in here? Was someone here a min..."
"M-Matt...I-I want to know something." he said interrupting me.
"Alright what is it?" I asked sitting down on the bed. He quickly backed off and pulled himself away until his back rested on the headboard.
"Don't get close to me!" He abruptly said, but almost more like a scream.
I was a bit hurt from what he just did but I acted calm and cool. I gave him a weird look and I said, "Oohhhkay! Dude I don't have any watchamacall'em.....cooties!"
"Seriously, what's wrong?" I asked like I didn't even know what it was. I dragged myself closer to him but he backed away again. I knew it, it was something that's gotta do with what I did last night. I felt my insides being torn apart as I tried to mask my inner self through this. I whispered, "Alright. If that's how you want to go along with it. What do you want to ask me about?"
"Last night...what...I...you did. Tell me that what I'm thinking isn't true," he begged. Beads of tears rushed down quickly from his beautiful eyes over his pale, cream-colored cheeks and down to his neck. The first time I had ever seen him cry and it was my fault...my fault! I couldn't look at him. I was so ashamed of myself. I hurt the first person that I ever truly loved in my whole life. My heart was completely torn apart just seeing him cry.
I whispered hiding my eyes away, "What are you thinking anyway?"
"T-that...that you like me."
"I-I don't...like you," I said. He gave out a deep sigh and brushed his tears away. A smile quickly grew in his face but I was so scared what I was about to say. He said in a million words per minute, "Whew! You had me there for a minute 'cuz of last night when you kinda like held my hand and you had that smile on your face, I was like shocked 'cuz I never knew someone else liked me and like, then I couldn't move or talk or pull my hand away 'cuz I was so nervous...but it was cool and...a...weird..."
I interrupted him, "Eric, I...I love you."
His eyes widened and he took a deep breath. He whispered, "Oh god..."
The look on his face undoubtedly answered my question. He doesn't love me. So many times in my mind I've imagined him not loving me...and all of those times, I always ended up on the verge of tears and sorrow. Since now I found out the truth, I couldn't bear this new pain inside me. It wasn't what I had expected. It was like someone just stabbed me in the heart with a jagged dagger and twisted it inside me very slowly like they didn't care how I felt. I was too much down in sorrow that I couldn't cry or feel anything.
"I-I g-gotta...go..." he whispered hopping off the bed on the opposite side trying to dodge me. He quickly opened the door and turned around to look at me. He wiped his tears away from his eyes. "I-I'm so sorry Matt...but I...don't...love you. P-Please...please forgive me." Before I could stand up to tell him why I love him, why I feel this way, he ran quickly down the stairs. He quickly put his shoes on without tying them and left me alone in my house. Alone...again. His words, "I don't love you" kept ringing in my head. Playing back and forth, torturing me in an endless agony. My eyes became glassy, and soon my vision became blurred from the tears forming. I walked slowly back to my bedroom. Like two rivers, my tears gushed down to my chin and I felt a few drops falling down on my feet as I walked towards my bed.
There was nothing that could ever lift my soul now that I knew that Eric doesn't at least like me. I burst out weeping and screaming holding every urge to kill myself just to take away this pain. I laid down on my bed and covered my head with pillows so no one could hear me scream and shout. I slammed my fist on the bed and kicked it, shaking it furiously. I threw my pillow across the room and it hit the glass globe standing on the top of my TV. The globe fell to the floor, breaking into tiny sharp bit and pieces. I threw another pillow randomly and it hit my portrait on the wall. I threw another, and another, and another until I ran out of pillows to throw.
FUCK!!! Tears still gushed down from my eyes. I became angry at this point. Angry at everyone, for making my life miserable, angry at Eric for not being gay, and especially angry at me for not keeping my feelings to myself. I hate me, I hate me, I HATE ME!!!! Why did I have to fall in love with that fuckin' Eric?! I hate him!!! I hate him!!! I...hate...I...l-l-love him... FUCK!!!
Why isn't that love thing going away?! I already know he doesn't love, or even like me. I know now that I have no chance whatsoever with him. Isn't that supposed to take this feeling away...out of my life so I can start a new love again? I guess not. I guess it's just made everything worse, really worse.
I stopped crying hours after. I just sat at my windowsill and stared at the dim crescent moon filled and the stars all around it. Although the site really looked so lonely, it mysteriously calmed me down a bit. For the whole night, I just gazed at the moon until finally, my eyes slowly closed and I drifted off to sleep.
"You need some help there Annie?"
"No thank you! I jist havta tie this lace 'n I'm done!" she said while pulling both laces off her right shoe up in the air. Mom came out of the kitchen ready to go to work in her neatly ironed business suit and gave us our lunches. She kissed me on the head and hugged Annie.
"You two be good! I'll be back really late since I have tons of papers to do! Don't forget to pick up Annie in the daycare before coming home!"
"I won't ma."
She brushed my hair barely messing it up before she opened the front door. We heard the car's engine go on as she waved at us before leaving the driveway. After she finished tying her shoe, I walked with Annie to her school then I headed to my school, which was on the opposite direction. I didn't feel sorry for myself like last night, until I saw Eric walking with Adrien just half a block away behind me. All the dreadful feelings came back to me and my knees went limp for a second. All of a sudden, my thoughts became different, like I needed to blame all this pain inside me at someone else. I wanted someone to pay for making me feel this way.
I was a completely different person that day. A few people who were actually close enough to be
considered my friends said hi to me, but I told them all to just fuck off. I pushed the other freshmen out of my way as I walked through the hallways. In my fourth period class, I smacked this jock on his face, leaving a red mark on his cheek. He had made the beginning of my high school year a living hell, and I hated him. The teacher screamed at me because of punching the guy in the face, but I just swore back at her. I hated her too. Everyone in class thought I'd gone mad, but I didn't care. I hated all of them.
I ended up in the office in the last period sitting with the vice principal until the final bell rang. I slowly went to my locker, still consumed with rage and anger inside me. As I rummaged through my locker for stuff that I needed, someone tapped me on the back lightly. Angrily, I turned around to see who it was. "WHAT?!!"
It was Eric. My frowned face quickly remodeled itself into my old face expression. He was carrying his bag on one shoulder and his uniform was unbuttoned from the top to midway of his body exposing a simple white shirt inside. He was looking at the ground and he looked like he was about to burst into tears. His angelic face took hold of the good side of me. Slowly and calmly I took a deep breath then asked him kindly, "Yeah, what is it?"
"I just came here to say...that I'm sorry about last night," he apologized. Somehow, I knew he really meant what he had said and inside me I wanted to forgive him, but the evil side took hold of me again. "Tell someone who gives a damn about what you think!"
I slammed the locker, took my backpack off the ground and pushed him out of the way to leave. He tried to follow me but I couldn't take it anymore. I turned around and told him to fuck off and to get out of my life. It drove him to tears and he ran in the opposite direction covering his eyes with his right hand. For a minute there, I felt like I really did an awful thing, but the other me said that he deserved it.
Walking silently in a small alleyway, which was a shortcut that leads to my house, I was actually feeling great! He deserved it for hurting me, for not feeling the same way I do and to actually think that I'd forgive him the next day? What a loser! Oh well, I have no friends now, but who needs a friend like him?! Nuh uh! Not me! It was better living a life as a loner. I don't have to care about shit.
I didn't notice anything unusual until I saw two pair of shoes on front of me. I looked up and saw two guys glaring at me wickedly. Fear ran up my spine. One of the guys had a mighty red cheek. It's that guy I punched today. I knew what was coming. Slowly I backed away, but then two other guys appeared out of nowhere and held me on the spot. "You don't know how much I'm gonna love kicking your ass for what you did to me!"
I didn't know what had happened then. I tried to struggle from their hold but I was a weakling and was never raised to fight. I was born as a lover not a fighter. Still struggling, I felt a hard smack on my face that felt like someone threw a brick at me. My jaw felt like it was dislodged and my head started to get woozy. He landed a kick on my shin, which I followed with a sudden moan. I struggled again and again until one of my arms pulled free. I punched one of the guys who held me in his nose. I didn't mean to do it but it was sort of a reflex. He backed away and I pushed the other guy who held me but he was now in a fighting position and was about to land a jab on my face. I tried to run away but the guy I hit, who now had a bleeding nose, grabbed my shirt and pulled me back. The three of them punched hard and kicked violently at me and soon I was on the ground feeling blood trickling down from my nose. I felt them kicking me, although my body was broken and too numb to feel much of anything anymore. I was so ashamed of myself. Slowly, I began to lose consciousness, but the last thing I remembered, Kyle, who was the jock that started this whole thing, kicked me again on my chest before spitting at my face. I felt it slowly running down my cheek as he grinned wickedly and said in a harsh tone, "Heh, losers stays losers. Things will never change Matt."