Affirmation

Affirmation Part 11

Hi everyone, thanks to all who wrote me on the last chapter. I really appreciate all your comments and encouragement. It certainly inspired me to write more. Please do write me as I love to know what you are thinking and also who's reading. And, a quick plug for my other stories You Needed Me and This Boyz Life which I am co-writing with Scott. Thanks, Amber silentkid@angelfire.com

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction depicting homosexual relationships. It should not be read by anyone under 18. The sexuality of the people portrayed such as Darren Hayes, Robbie Williams, members of Boyzone, and J from Five does not necessarily reflect their actual lives.

After they left the bar, Robbie had the cabbie drop him and Darren at a 24 hour McDonald's a few blocks from the hotel. At 4 am, the place was awash with the unwashed, all looking bedraggled, trying to make their cold soggy fries last so they wouldn't be kicked into the frosty night by the even frostier assistant manager holding post between the counter and the ketchup stand.

Robbie ordered two big macs, large fries, and a large coke. He asked for mayonnaise and vinegar. The clerk gave him the mayo and offered him barbecue sauce instead. He took it, grumbling to himself. Darren ordered a veggie burger, even though he wasn't vegetarian anymore. He got a small Hi-C. Robbie was already at the ketchup stand, dousing his sandwiches. He offered the barbecue sauce to Darren. He declined and Robbie tossed it in the trash. He looked at Darren's little sandwich and snickered.

"Geez, Darren, no wonder you're so small!"

Darren blushed. "I'm not very hungry is all."

"I'm just teasing. Now, how am I going to carry this?" Robbie eyed his 4 items. He stuck his fries in his pocket, and a sandwich in the other one. He carefully wrapped the remaining sandwich down so it wouldn't drip, and picked up the cup. He smiled at Darren.

"Ready?" Darren asked.

"Absolutely." They walked slowly back to the hotel. Darren tried to hurry Robbie along as he was a little nervous, but to no avail.

"Don't you think we should be getting back?" Darren asked.

"We are getting back," Robbie said.

"Well, shouldn't we be doing it faster?"

"What's your rush? Got a hot date?" Robbie teased.

"It's 4 am in NYC and we're on an empty street. That's my rush."

"Don't worry, Daz, I'll protect you," Robbie said grandly.

Darren groaned. "Gee, thanks."

Robbie held his cold soda up to Darren's neck. Darren slapped him away. Robbie dragged him over to the posh windows.

"Isn't this nice?"

"No," said Darren. "I hate this city."

"But how can you hate it," Robbie asked innocently. "I'm in it."

Darren rolled his eyes. "I have to throw this away," he said, indicating his sandwich wrapper. He trotted quickly to the trashcan. As he threw it in, he heard a gasp behind him. He whirled around, and Robbie was gone.

"Robbie!" he yelled.

He searched up and down the block, frantically calling, but found no sign of him. Nearing tears, he stopped before the sliver of an alley between two stores. "Robbie?" he shouted. He heard nothing, but went forward anyway. He tried to stifle his sniffles, but was hyperventilating anyway. A mouse squeaked and he nearly wet himself. He edged slowly down the alley, was almost halfway out, when someone grabbed him. He screamed. He turned around and was face to face with Robbie. Robbie took one look at him and laughed hysterically.

"My god, you should see your face, Darren! Are you okay?"

Darren wiped his nose indignantly. "Shut up, Robbie."

Robbie laughed harder.

Darren pushed past him. "That wasn't funny."

"Lighten up, Darren. It was a joke. You know, ha ha?"

"Fuck you, Robbie!" Darren fumed. He stormed off.

Robbie trotted after him. "Wait! Geez, you don't know the way!"

"I know it well enough," Darren said.

"I told you I was sorry," Robbie said, still laughing a little.

"And I'm telling you it's not good enough. You shouldn't have fucking done that! Do you know how much time I spend worrying about you? Do you? Grow the hell up!" Darren shouted.

"You worry about me?" Robbie smiled coyly.

"I'm beginning to rethink it," Darren said coldly.

Robbie laughed. He fell into step just behind Darren. Darren didn't look at him as he trudged homeward, and tried to ignore the remaining chuckles that escaped Robbie's lips.

In the hotel elevator, Robbie cornered him. "Are you going to talk to me?"

Darren glared. "That was really immature, you know."

"I said I was sorry. I was just having a bit of fun. You needn't be such a scaredy cat."

"Oh ho, you're one to talk!"

Robbie stepped back. "What's that supposed to mean?" he asked.

Darren braced himself for a confrontation, then sputtered, "Nothing."

He stared at the floor sheepishly. "Sorry," he muttered.

The elevator stopped and Robbie marched off. Darren scurried after him, feeling horribly chastened. Robbie kept up a steady pace until he got to his room. Then he turned, and, grinning, slapped Darren on the back.

"Just messing with ya, Daz. I know what I'm like after dark."

Darren yawned. "Speaking of which, I'm going back to bed."

"Already?"

"I didn't get much sleep tonight," he said, looking pointedly at Robbie.

"Sorry about that closet thing," Robbie said.

"Right."

"Hey," he said mock defensively, "I have no control over what I do in my sleep."

"Great, I'll remember that," Darren said.

Robbie grinned. Just then a door opened, and J stepped out of his room. Darren burst out laughing. J looked at him oddly, then realized he was holding a pair of girl's underwear. He hastily tossed it back, inciting giggling from the girls inside.

"They're still in there?" Darren asked in disbelief. "Superman couldn't go that long!"

J laughed, a deep rumble that made Darren's feet tingle. He smiled at Robbie. "You wanna have a go?"

Robbie grinned. "Maybe so, mate, maybe so."

"C'mon, Robbie!" one of the girls whined. She stood in the doorway, displaying a little bit of leg and hiding the rest of herself behind the door.

"C'mon, Robbie," J echoed.

Darren cringed. "Robbie, that's a little, um, slutty, don't you think?"

With some effort, Robbie tore himself away from the sight of the girl, and turned to Darren. He shrugged, "Well, isn't that what you expect from me?"

"No," Darren said.

"That's funny. Everyone else does. Right, J?"

J smiled knowingly. He reached for Robbie. "Come on, let's have some fun."

Darren watched in bewilderment as the man he could very possibly maybe perhaps sort of love was lured into what could only be described as a Den of Satan by the smooth talker himself. And was it Darren's imagination, or had J slicked his hair up into horns?

"Robbie," he tried desperately, "you'll hate yourself in the morning!"

"But Darren," Robbie said simply, "I hate myself already."

With that, J led Robbie into the room. His hand lingered seductively at the nape of Robbie's neck. He closed the door before Darren could see where it went from there. Darren shook silently and stormed off to his room.

He threw himself on the bed without even removing his shoes. He grabbed the phone and dialed without thinking, punching the numbers so hard the base almost flew off the table. It rang and rang and he fumed, not caring about the hour. Finally, an answer.

"This had better be good," Daniel moaned.

"Robbie's having sex with J and two girls," Darren blurted.

"Daz? Honey? Cor, it's 3 am!"

"Daniel!" Darren whined. "Help me!"

"What do you want me to do?" Daniel asked.

"I don't know. You're the one with the answers!"

"Okay, let me think a bit," Daniel said, waking up a little. "He's where?"

"With J and two girls."

"And they're having sex?"

"Yes!" Darren shouted. He wondered why Daniel was being so thick.

"Ok, ok. Just setting up the parameters. Now, why do you care?"

"Why do you think?"

"I need you to tell me." Daniel spoke slowly and kept his voice even. Darren knew he was lulling him into doing the same, enticing him to keep his reason.

"J's leading Robbie down a road of sin. That's the last thing he needs in his state!"

"He's still having nightmares?"

"Yes, and last night he was sleepwalking as well."

"I see. You'd better keep an eye on him." said Daniel.

"I have, plus we had to go looking for Ronan, too."

"What happened to him?"

"He had a little breakdown. Apparently he's dating Stephen and being seduced by J."

Daniel whistled. "J sure gets around."

"You're telling me. I'm having trouble resisting him, myself," Darren admitted.

"Do I detect some jealousy?"

"I'm not even going to answer that, Daniel."

"Because I was going to say if you were concerned, you could go get him out of there."

"I can't just barge in on a bunch of naked people!" Darren sputtered.

"You always seem to be around when I'm naked," Daniel said.

"Funny, I could say the same about you."

Daniel laughed. "That's it, I'm not touring with you anymore. From now on, I'm just phoning in my performance. No one knows Savage Garden has another half, anyway."

Darren chuckled. "Well, that's true. You get blurrier in every picture, don't you?"

"So, are you going to run over there?" Daniel asked.

Darren thought a minute. "I don't think so," he said.

"Are you sure?"

"Would you?"

"I'm not in your situation, am I?"

"But if you were?"

"If I were, I'd accept that Robbie is a grown man and needs to make his own decisions. And I'd make sure he knew I was there to help him through them." Daniel said meaningfully. Darren understood that he wasn't just talking about Robbie. In his subdued way, he was talking about him as well.

"Thanks, mate," Darren said quietly.

"No problem. Why don't you lay down for awhile."

"I'm not very tired anymore," Darren admitted.

"C'mon, I'll sing you to sleep."

"Oh, lord, no," Darren moaned.

"Just kidding! Close your eyes, I'll have you to sleep in a minute."

Darren kicked his shoes off and closed his eyes. He held the phone up to his ear. Daniel crashed something.

"What are you doing?" Darren asked.

"I'm putting you on speaker phone on the piano. Wait a tic." Another crash as Daniel situated himself, then he said, "here we go."

Darren soon heard the piano coming over the wire. Daniel said, "It's Beethoven's sixth symphony--the Pastoral."

Darren smiled. Daniel always announced the piece he was playing, which was just as well since Darren was generally lost on such things. He pressed the phone between the pillow and his ear. As Daniel's playing continued, Darren's eyes drooped and the phone tumbled from its place as he fell into a deep sleep.

He didn't hear Daniel whisper, "Sleep well, Daz," as his subconscious was already tripping lightly through a poppy field. Birds chirped overhead and butterflies fluttered and alighted on his fingers. He spun around, faster and faster, until he gleefully threw himself onto the poppies where he lay, panting happily. He stared up at the sun and somehow he knew it was a dream sun and wouldn't hurt him. A shadow passed over the sun. He sat up, following it. The shadow perched on a tree and took the form of a crow. It cawed at him and tilted its head quizzically. Darren stood and started running to it. He heard someone calling him and changed directions. He reached the top of the hill and saw a figure lying at the bottom, unmoving. His hand dangled in a babbling brook and his head laid precariously near the water. Darren ran towards him. Just as he got close enough to confirm his fears, that it was Robbie, he tripped and rolled, dangerously fast. His body hit something hard and he flew up. He tried to run again, but strong arms stopped him. How had J gotten into his dream? He tried to push him away, to get to Robbie, but J grabbed him and whispered,

"You can't help him." J crushed him in his arms. As Darren stiffly looked over J's shoulder, Robbie disappeared before his eyes. Darren pushed J sharply and an intense pain racked his body.

Waking abruptly, Darren found he'd fallen out of bed.

"Ow," he muttered. Suddenly the door opened. Darren inhaled sharply. He exhaled, relieved, as Robbie wandered in. He hadn't thought he'd be seeing Robbie again before morning.

"Hey, Robbie," he said, smiling slightly. "Did you have another nightmare?"

Silently, Robbie bent down and grabbed his arm. Before he knew it, Robbie had yanked him up. For the second time, Darren was in Robbie's arms. Robbie turned and carried him out the door.

"Um, Robbie? What are you doing?"

Robbie squinted at him but didn't hear. Darren tried to roll out of his arms, but Robbie gripped him tightly and he couldn't move. Although his eyes were open, Robbie was fast asleep. He trudged down the hall with Darren. Darren figured they were heading for Robbie's room where he would again be unceremoniously dumped onto the closet floor.

Robbie, however, stopped at the door to the stairwell. He opened it, and they went through. Robbie leaned out and extended his arms, with Darren in them, over the railing, and Darren knew he was about to be dropped.

"Robbie!" he yelled. He flung his arms around Robbie's neck, scratching frantically, searching for a handhold, anything, to prevent the fall that would certainly end in a broken neck, or worse. He kept shouting at Robbie, but Robbie slowly pulled his arm away from his neck. Darren screamed and began to cry.

"Oi! Robbie, what are you doing?" Ronan shouted.

Robbie turned and, in doing so, Darren was pulled to safety.

Ronan stepped forward slowly. "C'mon, hand him over." He carefully transferred Darren into his own arms. "Why don't you go back to Darren's room, Robbie?" Ronan said gently.

Robbie mechanically walked past him and disappeared into Darren's room. Ronan waited until the door closed before he set Darren down. Darren wiped his eyes.

"Thanks," he whispered, noticing for the first time that Ronan was only wearing a pair of white boxers. "Usually I'm the one without pants." He laughed a little, but it quickly turned into a sob.

Ronan chuckled. "Come sit down." He led Darren onto a step. Darren sat, a little stiffly. This was Ronan, after all. Ronan sat next to him, but didn't touch him and Darren relaxed a little. He sat quietly, waiting for Darren to get a hold of his emotions. When Darren stopped sniffling, Ronan said,

"I don't think you should go back to your room tonight."

"I know," said Darren.

"Unless, of course, you like putting your life on the line."

Darren sighed.

"I was joking, Darren," Ronan said quickly.

"Can I stay with you?" Darren asked. He really didn't know what else to do.

Ronan stared at his hands and hemmed and hawed before sputtering, "Ah, Steo and I aren't really entertaining guests tonight."

Darren blushed at the nearly naked man. "Right. Sorry. I guess my yelling interrupted you, huh?"

"Well, I prefer being interrupted now rather than after you've broken your neck. That would ruin a lot more than a few minutes."

"Yeah."

"Look, I want to get back to Steo. Let me take you to J's room."

"I don't want to stay with J," Darren said, nearly whining, but Ronan was already dragging him along. He knocked on J's door. Darren half expected one of the girls to open it, but the man himself did, standing in sweatpants and nothing else. He rubbed his right eye and scratched his unruly hair sleepily.

He squinted at them, and said, "I'm not going to the light yet, mother!" Then he squinted again and said, "Oh, it's just you, Ronan. Sorry. I was blinded by your paleness." He turned to Darren. "Boy's so white he's purple."

Darren smiled a little at this. He'd been secretly marvelling that someone existed who was whiter than he.

Ronan, still holding Darren's wrist, whispered something in J's ear. J nodded and opened the door farther. Ronan gently but firmly shoved Darren in and before he could say a word, the door clicked shut behind him. He scanned the room. Surprisingly, the girls were gone and no evidence remained of a tawdry night on the town. J put his arm around him, startling him.

"I clean the place up well, don't I?"

Darren shrugged. "I wouldn't know, would I?" he said uncomfortably.

J smiled. Darren thought again fanglike how his teeth looked. "You can sleep over there," he said, gesturing to the bed.

Darren didn't want to sleep on J's bed, but one look at the Northerner's stoic face told him he'd better not put up a fight. Sighing, he slid into bed. He pulled the cover up to his chin and waited for J to join him. To his surprise, the bed remained empty. He opened his eyes and saw J settling down on the couch. Darren's anxiety flooded out of him. J observed him calmly.

"Goodnight, Daz," he said.

"Goodnight J," Darren said.

The room grew quiet but Darren stayed awake. The hotel clock was deafeningly loud. Tick tock. Tick tock. Tick tock. The minutes crawled by. 5:30 am came at a snails pace. Moments later, Darren felt J getting in bed with him. Should he pretend to sleep? He closed his eyes, willing himself to sleep. J rolled next to him and wrapped his arm around him. Darren lay stiffly as J lined his body against his. Darren exhaled, and carefully extracted himself from J.

"J?" Darren said.

"What?" J said.

"Can I ask you something?" Darren said, half hoping he'd say no.

"Sure."

"Did you sleep with Robbie?"

"You mean did I fuck him?" J said crassly.

Darren grimaced. "Yeah."

"Robbie didn't do anything he didn't want to," J said.

"What does that mean?"

J grabbed his shoulder and flipped him over on his back. In a fluid motion, he raised Darren's hands over his head. Holding Darren's hands, J pushed himself up over Darren's body so nearly all his body weight was forced down on them. Darren moaned in pain. J leered at him.

"I can't feel my arms," Darren said.

"You know I can break you like a little twig, don't you?"

What little colour Darren had drained from his face. "I know," he said, frightened.

J dropped to a half push up, hovering over him. His breath pushed into Darren's mouth. Darren shuddered, torn between the numbness in his arms and this new sensation.

"Good," J said. He lowered himself to Darren's mouth. Darren could taste his breath. As J sealed his lips over his and wormed his tongue into his mouth, he wanted it to be like it was in the cab when he had succumbed to the hypnotic allure of Jason Brown, but the only thing he felt was fear. This emotion trembled through him and even as his mind screamed, "no!" his body, helpless under J's weight, was nothing more than an inconsequential victim of the stronger man's slightest whim. Despite his best efforts, Darren started crying.

J got off him. "What's your problem?" he asked gruffly.

Darren scrambled away from him. He sat against the headboard, clutching a pillow to his chest.

J rolled his eyes. "You didn't think I was serious, did you?"

Darren simply glared. He wiped J's spit off his lips.

"I was just proving a point, Daz."

"What point?"

"Do you think I could have done that to Robbie?"

"No," Darren admitted.

"Why?"

"Because he's big," Darren said, feeling like a child.

"Right. He can take care of himself. I told you he didn't do anything he didn't want to."

"I know," Darren said.

"So maybe you're the one who needs minding, Darren."

Darren hugged the pillow tighter. The feeling in his arms was just now returning. J didn't have any idea what he was talking about. Of course he didn't need minding.

"Are you going to wipe your eyes?" J asked.

"No," Darren said. Fuck him. He'd cry if he wanted to. It'd serve J right if he cried so much he flooded the whole bed then J would have to sleep on the couch forever!

He thought J might have something to say about this, but J simply stared at him until he stopped. This didn't take very long because Darren wasn't nearly as well practiced at crying as, say, Robbie or, from what he had heard, Stephen, who had rumouredly once cried for three days straight. Darren's tears barely lasted five minutes. He was rather displeased with himself.

"What do you want me to do, Darren?" J asked flatly.

"Make it up to me," said Darren, matching his tone.

J sighed. "Okay. Robbie's secret--the thing that's scaring him--I'm not sure, but I think it has something to do with Gary."

"Barlow?" Darren asked.

"What other Gary is there?" J asked incredulously.

"So what did he do?" Darren ignored J's tone.

"You know, I don't know."

"You're a big help."

"It's more than he's told you, isn't it?"

"Yeah," Darren said.

J smirked at him. "You're welcome, Darren."

"I think it's time I got up." Darren said, walking to the door.

"Hey," J called. "Tonight was just a one time thing. You're generally quite safe with me."

"Yeah," Darren said, half believing it. J smiled slightly and for an instant Darren experienced that hypnosis again. He left, knowing that J would always get exactly what he wanted.

tbc.. silentkid@angelfire.com