Affirmation

Affirmation 6

Hey everyone, Here's part 6. It could be awhile until the next chapter, so I hope this one is good enough to last. Please write. Feedback is always needed and appreciated. Thanks, Amber silentkid@angelfire.com

Disclaimer: This is a fictional story involving homosexuality. I do not imply that any of the people involved are gay in real life. Do not read if you are under 18 or if it is illegal in your state or province.

Darren took a wrong turn and ended up wandering the streets of New York for two hours. He pushed through the tourists, not seeing them, but hating their incessant chattering nonetheless. Standing on a corner, one of them pointed at a line of cabs and chirped, "Look at all those cabs! What are they all for?" Darren groaned. A few people around him chuckled. The woman was oblivious. The only person he did see on his trek through the concrete menace was Robbie. Robbie at a cafe, Robbie coming up from the ACE, Robbie with his arm around J, Robbie kissing Stephen, Robbie melting into Shane. Robbie, Robbie, Robbie. Darren hated him, hated the visions, the way they made him feel. He knew, rationally, that Robbie had nothing to do with this, but he blamed him anyway.

He entered the hotel through the parking garage so he wouldn't see anyone. Granted, after Ronan's fit at the reception they probably wouldn't be hanging out anyway. He took the stairs up to his room and locked himself in. He dialed Daniel, needing to absorb some of his sageness. The machine answered. He almost hung up, then decided against it. At the beep he said,

"Daniel, it's me. Um, Daz. I just needed to talk. I'm coming to you tomorrow. Haven't booked the tickets, but no worries, eh? I'm having a bad time here. I can't really talk about it. I don't know how to explain it. I just, erm, really kind of...need you right now. I need a bit of your tranquility. Well, yeah. That's all I wanted to say, I guess. See you tomorrow. Bye."

Big surprise, he didn't feel any better. He got in the shower, went through his bedtime ritual on autopilot until he found himself, bemused, under the covers. He slept until a knock at the door woke him. He didn't bother grabbing a robe. He knew who to expect.

Sure enough, Robbie stood there, still in his suit. He smiled hesitantly at Darren and looked at his feet. His fists tugged at his sleeves and his stature made the jacket engulf him like a little boy. God, he was adorable! Darren already regretted it, but if he was to stay sane, he had to say it.

"You can't stay here tonight, Robbie."

Robbie finally met his eyes and his betrayed, dismayed expression drilled into Darren. "Why?" he asked, quietly.

"Because of what happened," Darren said slowly.

"What?"

"You were kissing Stephen."

"He kissed me."

"I saw you. You kissed him."

"I kissed back." Robbie was getting upset now, and not because he was sad. He was angry.

"It doesn't matter. I can't deal with this," Darren said.

"Deal with what?" Robbie nearly yelled. "That I kissed Stephen, or that I didn't kiss you?"

This took Darren by surprise and it was his turn to be speechless. He didn't know how to deal with all this guy stuff or even why he should.

"Do you want me to kiss you, Darren?" Robbie asked, practically spitting Darren's name at him. "Because I will if you want me to. Hell, I'll kiss anyone! It's what you expect from me, isn't it?"

Darren paused, ready to bolt if Robbie should attack, but he didn't. Robbie simply looked at him, not glaring and not staring until Darren couldn't stand it anymore and said,

"I don't know what to expect from you. I see you with Stephen, I see you with Shane, and with J. What am I supposed to think?"

Robbie's eyes bore an impenetrable mask. His lips set a stony line, broken only to utter, "I came to you every night. Think of that."

"I'm not comfortable with this. I think you should go now," Darren said quietly but firmly. Without a word, Robbie left.

Darren didn't try going back to bed. He flipped through the channels on the tv never stopping to watch anything. He couldn't concentrate. He laid back on the bed and covered his eyes with his hands to block out the visions of Robbie, but they were imprinted on his brain. When the phone rang he almost ignored it, but finally grabbed it. He sighed in relief as Daniel's soothing voice filled the line.

"Tell me everything," Daniel said, then waited. He knew it would come because he knew Darren better than himself. Darren told him everything from the moment Robbie's frisbee hit him in the head to the second he sent him back to his own room. He told him about Ronan's outburst, his ubercontrol of the group, J's odd role, and Stephen's unwillingness to answer questions about anything.

Daniel chuckled quietly. "Sounds like the twilight zone, love."

"So what do I do?" Darren asked.

"Accept that you're in love. Acknowledge it, and either pursue it or move on."

"How do you know I'm in love?"

"I know you, Daz," Daniel replied as if this were the only sane answer to such a ridiculous question.

"Who do I love, then?"

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah, I am."

"Well, it's not Ronan. I'd venture that it's not J since communication is essential to you, not Shane either that leaves Stephen and Robbie," Daniel said.

"Stephen's great," Darren said.

"But?"

"I don't know."

"There you go," Daniel said.

"There's only one problem."

"What's that?"

"I can't be in love with a guy," Darren said.

Daniel chuckled, "Oh, I think you can."

"But I don't know how!" Darren was a little unhinged now. He didn't understand why Daniel was pushing this.

"Daz, sometimes things just have to happen. Don't be so gung ho. Just chill and let it be."

"You and fate, Daniel. It's not my thing."

"Sometimes it's the only thing we have," Daniel said. "Did I at least help you a little?"

Darren thought about it. "Not much," he stressed.

"Well, leave that to time."

"See you tomorrow."

"If you're still coming."

"Don't you want me to come?" Darren asked.

"Of course I do! I just have a feeling that you won't be."

"I'll see you tomorrow," Darren repeated.

"Sure, love. Bye."

"Bye."

He had scarcely set the phone back in its cradle when it rang again. He picked it up, expecting Daniel. "What, mate?"

"I just wanted to talk," said the voice, so disconnected and shaky that Darren almost didn't recognize it as Robbie's.

"Sure," he said.

"I'm not coming over there, like you said," Robbie continued unsteadily.

"Okay," Darren said slowly.

"I can't be alone, Darren."

"Why?"

"I'm scared," he said, so hushed Darren had to press the handset into his ear to hear him.

"What are you scared of?" Now he was whispering too as if whatever was frightening Robbie would hear them talking and snatch him away.

"This room. It's haunted."

"What else?" He knew there was more.

A pause. He heard Robbie breathing. "Myself," came the small, unrecognizable voice. "I'm scared of myself."

"Why?"

"I don't know. I have dreams that my mother's died and I'm all alone. She always dies in fire. I don't want to be alone, Darren."

"You won't be. Your mother's fine," Darren said reassuringly.

Robbie didn't say anything. His breathing came in heaves and shudders and Darren was fairly certain that he was crying. "Everyone is alone eventually, Darren," Robbie finally said, between breaths.

"I'll be right there," Darren said without hesitation. Robbie hung up silently and Darren pulled a shirt on and set off down the hall.

As he passed Shane's room, he heard shouting.

"I told ya, I'm sorry!"

"Feck off, Ro, I'm not the one you should be saying that to!" Shane shouted.

"I said it to him already."

"Well you'd better say it again until he hears you!"

"What the feck do you want me to do?" Ronan yelled.

Then a low grumbling followed by someone shouting, "Stay out of it, J!"

"Leave him be, Shane" said Ro.

"You wanna have a go at me, Ro?" Shane challenged.

"Feck off, Shanno! I'm sick of all this."

"Aye, I'm a mite scarier than wee Stephen, aren't I?"

"I never laid a hand on little Stephen!" Darren wondered if it counted when he flung him across the room. "And I know better than any of yas that he can fend for himself!" Ro protested.

"Stephen will be the first to go. And if you hurt him, we'll follow."

"It's not a war, Shanno."

"Then get the stick out of your arse and quit making it one!" Shane huffed.

"You know less that feck, Shane!"

"Get the feck out of my room, you hypocrite!" With that the door flung open and a strong arm shoved Ronan into the hall. He bumped directly into Darren, peered at him through bloodshot eyes, and coldly said,

"Go back to your room. You shouldn't be out so late."

Darren stood motionless until Ronan shuffled around him, clutching his side, and disappeared into his room. He remembered himself then and ran the length to Robbie's room. Knocking to no response, he burst in and stopped in his tracks. Robbie wasn't to be seen. He scoured the room before finally finding him cowering in the back of the closet, partially hidden by his hanging clothes.

"Robert?" He ventured.

Robbie looked at him with wild, unseeing eyes. He grabbed his hand and pulled him down. He pointed at the mirror on the wall.

"Am I crazy?" he whispered.

Darren looked. He saw the soft light that came from the entrance reflected within. That was all.

"You're alright, now," Darren said.

Robbie looked at him like he'd lost his mind. "I'll never be alright," he said softly. Darren examined him closer. The tears had dried, leaving dirty streaks down his face. He still wore his jacket and shirt, but the pants, tie, and socks were gone, tossed in a corner across the room. He pulled Robbie up. He stood reluctantly.

"Listen to me, Robbie. You're going to be fine."

"Can we go to your room? Please?"

"You have to stay here, mate."

"I can't," Robbie whispered.

"Can't you tell me why?"

Robbie shook his head rapidly, his lip quivering, "I'm scared."

Darren grabbed him. "Listen to me," he said firmly. "There is nothing here. Nothing to scare you this way."

Robbie looked at him incredulously. "It's me, not the room. Being here just makes it worse."

"Robbie," Darren said, wanting to do something, anything, to take the fear away.

"Please, let's go to your room."

Though it broke his heart, Darren shook his head no.

"Will you stay with me?" Robbie asked desparately.

"I will."

"Just one night, yeah?"

"I promise. Tomorrow you can sleep in my room."

"You won't be here tomorrow."

Darren touched his arm. "Don't put the cart before the horse. Come on, you need your sleep if you're doing a concert tomorrow."

He pulled him towards the bed, pushing him to the left side that he liked. He slipped in beside him. Robbie laid on his back. Darren reached for the light.

"Darren, can't we leave it on?" Robbie asked. His voice resembled a child's.

"Okay. You want the big light on, or a little one?"

"All of them. Please, I don't like shadows."

"Okay." Darren got out of bed and turned every light in the room on, even the one in the bathroom.

"Thank you," said Robbie. He laid on his back and stared up at the light. Darren laid on his stomach. His arm hung over the side of the bed. He watched Robbie, closing his eyes if Robbie turned his head. He didn't know if he should touch him or not. It could be enough simply staying with him. Robbie was so beautiful. It broke his heart to see him like this. Darren clutched his pillow tightly. It was one thing to hug someone or kiss someone, but to touch a person in bed, well that was entirely different, wasn't it? Though he wanted to put his hand out, or at least move an inch closer, Darren stayed where he was.

He had nearly drifted off when he felt something pulling his hand away from the pillow. Robbie entwined his fingers with his.

"Is this okay?" Robbie asked.

"Yeah," Darren answered, trying to keep the trembling out of his voice.

"I wanted to make sure you're here."

"Okay." Darren paused. "How can I help you?" he said, desperate for an answer.

Robbie pursed his lips. Darren knew the sentence trapped behind them: There's no help for me. He peered into Robbie's eyes so he'd understand he was serious. He spoke deliberately, "I don't want you to worry anymore. I'm going to take care of you." The intensity surprised him, but he meant it.

"Okay," Robbie whispered, but Darren knew he didn't believe it. He squeezed his hand tighter. Darren fell asleep wondering exactly how deep he was getting himself into this.

A few hours later an icy sensation woke him. Robbie's hand was clammy. Disturbed, Darren touched Robbie's forehead. It was fine. His face, though, was translucent. Darren felt Robbie's arms and chest. His heart beat so slowly. His body was colder than that night when he had come to his room. Was that just last night? It seemed ages ago. Darren pulled the blankets over him, including the extra one at the foot of the bed. He tucked them in firmly so just the top of Robbie's head stuck out. Robbie shivered. Darren scooted next to him, so their arms touched. He slid his arm under Robbie's and held his hand again. After a moment, he put his other hand on Robbie's shoulder. He didn't think he'd mind. Robbie's breathing came sporadically, in small gasps as if he were crying in his dream. Now that he had done everything he knew, Darren could only watch helplessly. He shook his head in despair, hating the uncertainty. He buried his head in his pillow and soon his breathing matched Robbie's because he cried too, only not in a dream.

tbc

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silentkid@angelfire.com