Alex and Sebastian 46
Hello again guys, this is the final season for Alex and Sebastian. I hope you guys enjoy!
This will the ending for season 4A. After this chapter, Season 4B will start and will culminate the entire arch of these characters. I'm super excited for you guys to read these last chapters!
Timeframe: Although the chapters will be published in the early half of 2017, the timeframe for the story will be the final months of 2026. Lea's wedding and finale will take place December 19, 2026.
Anyways, please continue to email me so I know someone is reading and liking what I'm writing. I also have a playlist of songs that I listen to while writing the chapters if y'all are interested.
The email you can reach me at is lore.guerra13@gmail.com for questions, comments, concerns or donations ha-ha, just kidding!
A fellow reader made a playlist with most of the songs I've either used or will use in the series. If y'all want to listen to it while reading the chapters the link for it is this:
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLJZWEUrY9KRSfQ98rYlMYix46VM0CJ7XS
One new song will be added on to the playlist.
Peter Pan – Kelsea Ballerini
Please Don't Say You Love Me – Gabrielle Aplin
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Every story is free on here, so please let's keep it that way and donate, guys.
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6 weeks before the wedding
Sebastian
Halloween. Lily's favorite time of the year. I had promised to throw lily a Halloween party and she spent every day the past week reminding me so.
"Yes, baby," I said after the fourth time she had asked me. "The party will be this Saturday."
"Okay, daddy. Make sure you wear your Peter Pan costume!"
Peter Pan being Lily's favorite movie, she had asked me to be him while she went dressed as Tinkerbell.
"I will, baby. I will." I kissed Lily's forehead as I dropped her in front of her mom's place again. We walked to the front door and I knocked. It took a minute or two before Emma opened the door.
"Lily!" She kneeled down and kissed her cheek. "I have your costume in your room, honey. Stella is trying hers on, too." Lily spent no extra time running past Emma and heading to put her costume on, too.
"You want to come inside, Sebastian?" Emma asked, holding onto the door.
"No, thanks, I need to pick up my costume before the store closes."
"Ok, yeah, not a problem. Maybe some other time."
"Yeah, maybe," I said. "I'll see you tomorrow for Lily's Halloween party, Emma," I said as I turned to leave.
"Sebastian? Are you going to the wedding December?"
I turned back and looked at Emma. "How do you know about the wedding?"
Emma rolled her eyes. "Please," she said. "Lea can't stop talking about it at work." I nodded. Right, I had forgotten that both Lea and Emma worked as nurses at the hospital. "She – she invited most of us, you know."
I met Emma's eyes and understood what she meant. "Yeah, I am. I guess I'll see you and Mark there, then?"
Emma gave an almost invisible sigh. "Yeah." Her eyes became a little warmer now, "Who are you going with?"
I bit my lower lip, not knowing what to answer. "I'll let you know as soon as I do." She must have sense the tension inside me as she dropped the matter and allowed me to leave.
After picking up my costume, I got a text message from Ralf letting me know that Lea and Brandon would be having a get together tonight at their place. It would be a small Halloween party between their closest friends and Ralf wanted to know if I could make it.
I texted back that I could and went to the store to buy some beer before it got packed. I decided on dressing up at Lea and Brandon's place instead of walking around looking like Peter Pan everywhere. I got to their place at around 7pm, and was greeted by Lea.
"Where's your costume?" She asked, answering the door in a zombie bride costume.
"It's in this bag," I said, raising the bag I had on my right hand. I reached out and touched Lea's veil. "Hey, sorry, I thought the wedding wasn't for another month and a half," I teased. Lea slapped my hand away and pointed to where I could place the beers. Once I put the beers away, I walked into her restroom and put my costume on. I walked out just as Alex and Matt showed up wearing a pirate and Superman costume, respectively.
"No!" Alex laughed as he walked up to me. "Are you really dressed as Peter Pan, Seb?"
I rolled my eyes and laughed with Alex. "Fuck off! This is Lily's favorite Disney character. She's dressed up as Tinkerbell."
Lea, Ralf, Matt and Brandon walked up to Alex and me. "Hey guys, do you all know why Peter Pan is always flying," Lea asked as she played with my shirt. "Because he ... never lands."
I rolled my eyes. "Very funny, Lea."
Alex patted my shoulder and smiled. "Hey, it's a good joke!" After a few seconds he added, "It just – it never grows old, you know."
"Ha-ha. That was great, Alex," I raised my eyebrows expecting them to be done.
"Thank you, Seb." Alex smiled again, "I guess it's funny because it has a nice ... hook."
This elicited another round of laughter from the group. Lea laughed for another second before cupping her mouth. "Okay, okay guys, stop." She looked at me and gave me a warm smile. "You look great, Sebastian." Lea fixed my shirt. "Doing this for Lily is super sweet." She turned to look at the other guys and gave them a frown. "Leave him alone, boys. The fact that you keep teasing him is terrible and frankly, I'm just ... lost, boys."
It took a second for me to get it before the rest of the guys started laughing. "I'm going to go get a beer," I said.
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Sebastian
For the next hour or so, we played Halloween themed games, drank and talked about random things.
At one point, Ralf walked up to me while I was alone in the kitchen. "How you holding up, Sea Bass?"
I gave him a small smile and took a sip of my beer. "Never been better."
Ralf offered me a friendly smile. "I mean about the whole moving thing."
I shut my eyes. "I don't know."
"Well, do you want him to leave?"
"No," I said. "But it doesn't matter what I want."
"It does matter, Seb. You guys have history."
"We might – but that was a hell of a long time ago."
"Seb," Ralf took a big gulp of his beer. "I see the way you look at him when you think no one is looking. You still have feelings for him."
"It's true. You're terribly obvious."
I turned to see Lea sipping a glass of red wine behind me. "Lea, what the hell?"
"Oh, relax, sweetie." She placed a hand on my cheek. "Ralf and I share everything."
I got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. "Everything?" I asked, referring to the incident between Ralf and me a few years ago.
"Yes, babe. Everything." She smiled. "Don't worry, though. We only tell each other, no one else." After another sip of her wine, she continued, "Now, let's go back to this Alex thing. Seb, if you really want to open the door to a future with Alex, you need to tell him how you feel. Otherwise, I think it'd be best for both of you if you just, you know, back off."
I thought about Lea's words for a few seconds before Ralf jumped in. "Seb, please tell Lea that you aren't going to just forget about Alex."
I sighed. "Ugh, I – I can't imagine my life without Alex."
"See," Ralf said and took another chug of his beer.
"But I – I don't think he'll ever be in love with me the same way again. He'll never be with me. He'll never be the person I grow old with."
"What are you saying, Seb?" Ralf asked.
"I'm saying, maybe I should just move on. I mean, it's been long enough, right?" At least, I was pretty sure it was.
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Sebastian
Ten minutes before midnight, I snuck outside for a quick break from all the noise. As I stepped out, I heard an engine start.
"Hey, Sebastian!" I turned to see Matt in his car while Alex stood leaning on the driver's window. "Keep an eye on Alex, all right?"
My eyes moved between Alex and Matt. "Yeah, will do."
"See you at home, babe." Alex leaned over and gave Matt a kiss.
Like that, Matt drove away and left Alex and me on the driveway. We walked in silence back to the house. Alex and I drank with everyone else for another half hour as we talked and joked around. At around 1AM, I walked up to him. He was standing in front of the TV drinking a beer. "Hey, Alex. Can I – can I talk to you about something?"
"Of course. What's up?"
"Actually, can we go to the back? It's a little crowded here." Alex nodded and, sneaking away from the other guests, followed me to the back of the house.
Once outside, the night air felt nice and cool against my skin – it felt like I could breathe again. "So, what did you want to talk about? Did you want me to stop making fun of your costume? I can't do that, you know." Alex gave me a naïve smile.
"No. It's just..."
"Then?" His eyes looked at me expectantly.
Then?
Well, there was no way to go but forward. "I – I'm still in love with you, Alex." I whispered out.
Alex's smile slowly disappeared. "You're what?"
I looked at him, willing myself not to scare him off. "I'm sorry if that's uncomfortable for you to hear but – I – I'm sorry. I just needed you to hear it."
"I don't know what you expect me to say to that, Sebastian." His eyes matched my feelings: confused and anxious.
"Nothing, really." I looked down trying to hide my face. "I just wanted you to know."
"Sebastian, I – I'm sorry." That word cut deep inside me. "I can't."
"No, I know. I just – when you told me about moving, I realized that I was going to lose you again. Unlike last time, I just needed you to know how I felt about you. I needed you to know that you've never, not once, left my mind. I need you to know that."
"Sebastian, I'm seeing Matt. I – I can't."
"I know that. I know it's not good timing. I know."
"Not good timing? Sebastian, it's so much more than that. We have different lives right now."
"Look, I – I'm not asking you to love me, Alex. I just wanted you to know that, even after all this time, I still care about you. I'll still care about you even when you're gone. I can't un-love you no matter how hard I try. You're going to leave again and I'm going to still be here waiting – hoping – for you to come back." I looked away and shrugged. "But it's okay. Maybe one day we could finally give it a real try."
When I looked back, I couldn't place the look Alex had in his eyes. Maybe he realized that by me saying there might be a chance it implied I thought he and Matt wouldn't make it. After a while, he broke the silence. "Sebastian, I'm really sorry if you – if you misinterpreted things."
"Alex," I looked at him, my eyes begging him not to say what I thought he was going to say.
"It was probably my fault."
"Please don't."
His eyes never left my face. "I'm sorry."
I could feel the tears that were pooling in my eyes slowly roll down my cheeks. I sighed, "No, no. Don't be." I wiped some of the tears away. "It's not your fault. I'm sorry I misinterpreted ... you know, everything." I turned away, unable to keep looking at him – unable to stop myself from wanting to touch and to hold him.
"Sebastian."
I walked away from him – I couldn't bear hearing him say my name.
It just hurt too much.
As I walked away, I tried not to think about how it took everything I had in me to tell him how I was feeling – to try and open a door to our future.
I had gambled with my feelings and I had lost.
I got in my car and drove to the only place I could think off – El Vaso.
Being that it was the Friday before Halloween, the place was a little more packed than usual. This was okay by me since I found crowds to be more private. I sat in the back of the bar and drank some beers as I saw some regulars go up and perform. After no one had the guts to stand up and go next, I closed my tab and walked up. Still dressed as Peter Pan, I grabbed a guitar, cleared my throat and strummed a few chords before beginning to sing.
"The smile, the charm, the words, the spark – everything, you had it.
I guess I had a naïve heart cause man, I let you have it.
You said I was your only.
Never thought you'd leave me lonely."
Sitting on that stool, I wanted nothing more than to run back to Alex and make him understand how much I cared for him. I knew that was wrong, though. I knew that this time around, I couldn't put my feelings over his. I knew that this time around, I needed to treat him like a person – not just an object of my affection I could use whenever I was lonely or sad. I had enough time to think on what had gone wrong between Alex and me these past few years. I knew that his leaving eight years ago wasn't just because of his love for Jay, it was also because of my actions.
Like it or not, I had driven him away from me.
Two months ago, when he came down to see me before moving down here with Matt, I had called him a coward and questioned whether he had ever really loved me. I realize now that wasn't fair.
Of course he did. We both did. We both knew that.
"Deep down, I knew that you were too good to be true.
But every piece and part of me wanted to believe in you.
Now it's happily ever never,
I guess now I know better."
I did know better now.
I knew that I didn't want to lose him because of something stupid I did. Yes, he was with Matt. Yes, they were living together.
But I could see it in Alex's eyes – deep down I knew he wasn't happy. Every smile they shared was half empty. Every look was only half given. I could feel it in my gut that it wasn't love.
We knew each other well enough to know when one of us wasn't entirely happy. I couldn't tell Alex that, though. He must already know, anyways.
"You're just a lost boy
Yeah, I know who you are.
And you don't know what you lost, boy.
Too busy chasing stars."
I knew the pain of wanting to be happy more than anyone. I had spent so much time trying to make Emma and I work – but somethings just don't. I knew Alex was trying his best to love Matt, he had told me so.
In my experience, I just didn't think love was something you needed to try and achieve. Love was a feeling that was always there. You couldn't hide it any more than you could hide the stench of it after it was dead.
That's what had happened with Emma and me. Maybe, at one point, we had loved each other but every lie and every fight had killed it.
Maybe, at one time, Alex had loved Matt but I don't think it could ever be in the same way that he had loved Jay.
I don't think it could ever be in the same way that he had loved me.
"And you're always going to fly away.
Just because you know you can.
Never going learn there's no such place as Neverland.
You don't understand.
You'll never grow up.
You're never going to be a man, Peter Pan."
I finished my song and realized that my eyes were wet from silent tears. I cleared my throat, gave a small smile, and walked off stage heading outside to my car.
There was something I had to do before I let this night be over.
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Flashback – 3 weeks before the start of Season 4.
Sebastian
I sat in one of Starbuck's booths waiting for him to show up.
"Sebastian!"
I turned to see Alex walking up to me. "Alex." I stood up and hugged him.
Alex sat in front of me and I realized something. It had been forever since we had seen each other, much less hugged or locked eyes like this.
"How have you been?" he said.
How have I been?
Did he mean to ask how I've been since he left me all those years ago? What did he expect me to say?
I blinked my hurt feelings away and smiled. "I've been doing okay. What about you?"
Alex gave me a small smile, "I've been doing okay, too."
We remained silent for another few minutes, both of us absentmindedly playing with our coffees. I couldn't stand it anymore. I knew it was completely out of left field but it was a question that had been gnawing at me for years. "I'm going to ask you something okay?" I leaned in closer to Alex.
"Yeah," he looked at me a little confused. "Go for it."
"I know it's completely inappropriate and, I guess, there's really no point in asking now ... but it's a question s that's been gnawing at me for years. Can I – is it okay if I ask you a question about our past – about our relationship?"
Alex looked at me with concern in his eyes. "Yes," he said. "That's okay. Ask away."
Well, no use beating around the bush. "Where you - did you ever love me? Were you ever actually in love with me?"
Alex leaned back in surprise. "What? Of course I did. I was." Alex nodded, "Yes, I think so."
I stared at him. When he texted me a few days ago saying he was going to be in town today and wanted to meet, I thought of how much I had missed him. We had texted a bit the past two days and he told me how he was moving back down here with Matt for Lea's wedding. Throughout the years, I'd had opportunities to reconnect with him but something always came up. Now, he was sitting here in front of me after all this time and all I could think about was how mad I still was at him for leaving me.
"We could have made it work," I said after a while. "I mean it. When I said I wanted you to stay, I would have made it work."
Alex leaned in towards me, "I didn't think we could ever get back to what we had. I don't think there was any way to make it work."
"Fuck you," I couldn't help myself. Hearing him say he didn't think we could have made it work after all we had gone through was infuriating. After all I had given up for him? After all we had gone through? "How could you know that," I asked.
Alex looked away from me. "I just did," he said.
"No," I shook my head. "How could you even know that? You didn't even try. You left so fast. You weren't even going to say goodbye to me." I thought back to that cold night – the night we fought and he kicked me out of his apartment. "You – you actually didn't." I didn't mean to but I was sure he could hear the hurt in my voice.
Alex's eyes looked hurt for a second, too. "Look, I know I left – we ended in such a bad term. But isn't it better that we ended it like we did instead of dragging it out and making it harder for the both of us?"
I sat back on my booth, the back of my head resting on the wall behind me. "Well there's your problem."
"What?"
I sighed. "You quit on us. You didn't want to risk it."
"What are you talking about?" Alex lowered his voice realizing other people could over hear us. "I was with you. I was with you while you were with Emma. I was there for you through all the shit she was putting you through."
I leaned in again, "No, Alex. See, the only risk you ran was Emma catching you. I was risking my life, my family – my everything. The real risk would have been for you to stay and try to make it work once I wasn't with Emma. But you didn't. You just left. You didn't try to make it work." I shrugged. "You were a coward."
"Oh, that's not – that's not fair. You can't call me a coward. You were the one who wouldn't –"
"Who wouldn't what? Leave the mother of my child? Of course I couldn't leave her – you knew that. I wanted to and I eventually did leave her, though."
"Okay well, would a coward have just left to a different city, away from friends, family and everything they knew?"
"You didn't do any of that! You had Jay and you moved only a few hours away. You kept in touch with most of your friends, hell, you even made new ones. Look, I know you Alex and you were a coward on me. Hell, you being here is just you being a coward on Matt."
"How is that me being a coward?" Alex rested his back on the booth.
"You're only talking to me because you're scared something I say or do will mess things up for you and Matt while you're down here for the wedding. You came here because you didn't trust me."
Alex sighed, "Look, Sebastian, I didn't come here to get us both upset." His voice was softer now, more vulnerable.
"Okay, well why did you come here?" I sighed. "And please don't use the wedding as an excuse."
Alex's brown eyes locked in on my own. "I came here to talk with you – to tie up loose ends. I want us to move forward and –"
"What? You want to be friends again, is that it? Fine! You and Matt can come over to my place. We can grill some ribs, have a good time." I shook my head and gave a small laugh. "Do you – I mean, do you really think you and me could ever be friends, Alex?"
Alex looked at me silently. "Yes. I – I hope so."
Just like that, the fire inside me was quenched. "Sorry," I sighed. "I really didn't want it to be like this when I first saw you after, well, after all this time."
"I'm sorry I asked to meet you," he said.
"No. No, it was a good thing." I nodded. "This is a good thing. It's probably the right thing for me, too."
Alex nodded, too, and looked at me quietly for another second. "Do you – do you honestly think we could have made it work between us?"
I didn't hesitate. "I would have liked to have given us a try," I said.
Alex nodded. After a few more minutes of quietly staring at each other, he spoke. "I should – I should leave," he said, getting up.
"Yeah," I looked at him as he stood. "You should probably be heading back to Austin."
I wanted to say I missed him but I didn't say it.
I wanted to keep fighting with him – to spend a few more minutes with him even if all we could do was fight.
Instead, I followed him, silently, to the exit.
As we walked to our cars, I found myself stealing glances at him. After all these years apart, I didn't think seeing him again would have gone like this.
"I'm sorry for your loss, by the way."
Alex looked away from me for a second. I could see him looking around the parking lot gathering his thoughts. "Thanks," he said, after a while.
"It's going to be how long this December?" I asked as cautiously as I could.
"Four years this November." Alex shook his head. "Can't believe it's been that long."
I nodded. "He was a good guy, you know."
Alex smiled and I saw a small glint of sadness in his eyes. "Yes. He was."
Another few seconds of silence passed between us before I spoke. "Look, when you told me you and Matt were moving down here for the wedding, I – I pulled some strings with some people I know here." I glanced at him one more time as we got closer to his car. "I got you a job offer at the university while you're down here – if you want, of course."
Alex stopped in his tracks. "What? Really? Are you being serious? Why – why would you do that?"
I stopped and looked back at Alex. "Why?" I didn't have to think about it for long. I smiled and grabbed his shoulders. "Because I love you," I shrugged. "Look, don't tell anyone about the job, though. I don't want them to get the wrong idea." I looked at Alex and debated whether or not to say what I wanted to say. "Don't – don't take this the wrong way but, when you come back, think about where your home is. If it's with Matt or whoever else, just be honest with yourself." I gave a small sigh and looked away from him. "A hug before you're gone?"
Alex nodded and we embraced. I wanted so badly to kiss him just then – to steal one last kiss.
I didn't do it, though.
I couldn't tell why, but it didn't feel right.
Instead, I gave him one last squeeze before pulling away. I touched his cheek with my right hand and gave a small sigh before smiling and walking away.
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Back to present
Alex
I couldn't stop thinking about what Sebastian had just said. God, it had been so easy to pretend there had been nothing left between us. Hell, he made it pretty clear he was mad at me two months ago when I came down to speak with him after Lea told me about the wedding.
After a half hour of sitting alone outside I realized something. I had been wrong: Sebastian and I could never be friends.
If he could have just kept those feelings to himself for another month and a half, Matt and I would have been out of town and I wouldn't have had to feel so ... confused.
Summer comes, winter fades.
Here we are, just the same.
Don't need pressure, don't need change.
Let's not give the game away.
I remember thinking it would have been so easy to just come back into this town and pretend nothing had happened between Sebastian and me but, from the second I sat with him on that booth_,_ I knew it wasn't going to. Looking back, I saw how I could have been giving off the wrong signs that could lead to Sebastian thinking I still cared for him in that way ... except, at the time, I wasn't trying to give off those signs. I just felt so at ease with him that it was so easy to just slip back into the old me.
Only, I wasn't the old me anymore and neither was he. We had both grown up so much since the last time we were here that there was no doubt in my mind that Sebastian had changed – we had changed for the better.
The Sebastian I had left to go to Austin for was long gone. In his place was a loving and caring father. The way he talked to Lily and cared for her showed me how much love he had for her. It reminded me of the small glimpses of love I'd seen back when we had been together. It was so easy to imagine being with him.
Heavy words are hard to take.
Under pressure, precious things can break.
And how we feel is hard to fake.
So, let's not give the game away.
Then there was Matt. I cared for him – I did. I could easily see us growing old and living together. I could picture it so clearly in my mind and yet, the picture wasn't anywhere near as bright as it was if I imagined it with Sebastian.
Yes, it felt like we were out of synch at times but that happened to everyone. I was happy ... right?
I crossed my arms as I thought about the time Sebastian had asked me if I was happy. Shutting my eyes, I realized how, after a year and a half, I still didn't feel like it was love. I couldn't explain why it wasn't enough but it just wasn't. For this entire year, I had been hoping that feeling would go away – the feeling that the pieces didn't fit between Matt and me – but it didn't. I kept thinking that in one more day, one more week or one more month, I'd feel for him what I had felt for Jay or Sebastian. That day hadn't come yet.
It hurt me to think that maybe that day would never come.
Fools rush in, and I've been a fool before.
This time I'm gonna slow it down.
`Cause I think this could be more.
The thing I'm looking for.
A rustle of twigs behind me broke my train of thought. "Sebastian," I said as I saw him walking towards me from around the house.
I was about to explain to him how confused I was after he had left but I didn't have the chance. Before I knew it, he walked up to me, his nose in front of mine, our breaths warm against each other's faces. I held my breath as he shook his head, locked eyes with me and leaned in. Our lips met and, instead of pushing him off or standing still, I shut my eyes and kissed him back.
Hell, it felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders as my lips immediately recognized his. The years melted away as his hands held the back of my head in place and mine held on to his waist, neither of us aware of how conspicuous we were out here.
Just, please, don't say you love me.
`Cause I might not say it back.
Doesn't mean my heart stops skipping when you look at me like that.
After a long sigh, we both moved away from each other, his hands still on the back of my head. My heart fluttered at the realization of what had just happened. Slowly, his hands returned to his side and the only sound between us as we stared at each other was the chirping of the crickets in the lawn.
"I'm sorry," he said after pulling away and breaking up the kiss.
I stared at him with a look of surprise and gulped. "What – what was that?"
"I wanted to say goodbye."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, I miss you – everything about you." Sebastian looked into my eyes and I could see him trying to put words to feelings neither of us could describe. "But I know you're with Matt. I know you're trying to build a life with him. I want you to know that I'll respect that. I just – I couldn't stop myself from stealing one last kiss from you."
"You mean –"
"I mean I won't pursue this anymore. I'll keep my distance and I'll respect your relationship with Matt. I still don't think you guys are meant to be but I won't fuck things up for you. I promise." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a silver necklace. "Here." He put the necklace on my neck and I looked down.
I touched the necklace and it took me a second to realize what it was. It was the silver guitar necklace Sebastian had given me that first Christmas we were together – the happiest time of my life.
I blinked and looked away from him for a second as the realization of how happy I used to be with him. After being quiet for a few seconds, I turned back to look at him, "You'd risk losing me ... for me?"
Sebastian placed his hand on my cheek. "Of course, fuck face," he smiled. "I love you." He gave me another small smile and patted my cheek before pulling his hand away, placing it in his pocket, and walking back to his car.
There's no need to worry when you see just where we're at.
Just, please, don't say you love me
`Cause I might not say it back.
Just, please, don't say you love me
`Cause I might not say it back.