Alex and Sebastian 49
Hello again guys, this is the final season for Alex and Sebastian. I hope you guys enjoy!
I'm super excited for you guys to read these last chapters!
Timeframe: Although the chapters will be published in the early half of 2017, the timeframe for the story will be the final months of 2026. The wedding and finale (chapter 52) will take place December 19, 2026.
Anyways, please continue to email me so I know someone is reading and liking what I'm writing. I also have a playlist of songs that I listen to while writing the chapters if y'all are interested.
The email you can reach me at is lore.guerra13@gmail.com for questions, comments, concerns or donations ha-ha, just kidding!
A fellow reader made a playlist with most of the songs I've either used or will use in the series. If y'all want to listen to it while reading the chapters the link for it is this:
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLJZWEUrY9KRSfQ98rYlMYix46VM0CJ7XS
One new song will be added on to the playlist.
She Don't Love You – Eric Pasley
The One That Got Away – The Civil Wars
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2 weeks before the wedding
Sebastian
I hadn't spoken to Alex or Matt since last week's Thanksgiving dinner. What was there to say? Instead, I had spent this past week spending time with Lily and trying to forget how vulnerable I let myself get in front of my friends. No one but Melissa would believe that that song was meant for anyone other than Alex.
Maybe that was a good thing?
Tonight, I was at El Vaso again. Having shared the original song I wrote had released something inside me. In the days afterwards, once the shame and guilt went away, I realized how happy and free I felt. So, with that in mind, I wanted to sing another song that had been stuck in my head for months.
"Hello, guys. Sebastian here," I introduced myself, sitting upstage with guitar in hand. "This song is dedicated to a special person – a, uh, girl I fell in love with but it just never worked out between us. Although we might not be together, I do wish her the best." I looked at my audience this Friday night and smiled. "I really wish I had had the guts to sing this to her, though."
With a deep breath, I began to sing.
"She don't love you she's just lonely.
She wasn't once upon a time.
She used to dance when the band played.
She used to be the trusting kind."
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Matt
When I had asked Ralf if he knew where Sebastian was, he told me the best bet tonight would probably be El Vaso. It took me a while to remember exactly where this place was but, when I found it, I recognized Sebastian's car near the back. I parked close to the entrance and walked inside.
Although the place was a little crowded this Friday night, I was able to make my way up to the bar and order a beer. I remembered how Alex had made me try some of his favorite craft beers but I decided on a regular beer for myself instead. I found an empty stool just as I heard a familiar voice introduce himself and begin to sing. I turned around only enough to hear him talk about the girl he dedicated this song to and the first verse of the song.
"She's no stranger to the leaving.
She's heard all the best goodbyes.
Falling has a different meaning.
To her, you're just another guy."
I kept facing the bar, giving Sebastian my back as he sang. Even though I couldn't see him, I could feel how passionately he was singing this song. I know he started off by saying it was about a girl but, after last week, I knew better than that. Sebastian not only had feelings for Alex in the past I didn't know about, but he still had them.
The worst part was that I had been stupid enough to not realize this. All the times Alex had told me he was hanging out with Sebastian – I thought there was no harm in that. Now that I knew Sebastian had feelings for Alex, I wasn't so sure.
And what was with this song?
Did Sebastian really believe that Alex saw me as, "Just another guy?"
"You can hold her in the moonlight.
You can give her all the stars.
You can promise her forever but you'll never have her heart."
I took a sip of my beer as I continued to listen to Sebastian sing. Did the guy really have the balls to think Alex and I's relationship wasn't substantial?
Although I didn't want to think about it, my mind kept going back to the days after I would come back from Austin. Alex would always be in a different – in a better mood – than when I left.
Did he still have feelings for Sebastian?
I reached my hand into my right pocket and took out a small box.
If he did, then getting this ring was a big mistake.
"She don't love you she's just lonely.
She don't know another way
To break free from what's been broken.
Too many cowboys rode away."
I loved Alex. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. But now, as much as I hated it, I was questioning the trust I had in him.
After all the time we've spent together, he'd never once told me about Sebastian. I understood why he wouldn't when we were back in Austin but, now that we were here, I felt like he had lied to me.
"So forgive her if she's distant.
She can't tell he heart to lie.
You'll never be her one and only.
She don't love you she's just lonely."
Sebastian's words bounced around my head.
What if I wasn't enough for Alex?
What if he had never gotten over Sebastian, too?
"She don't love you she's just lonely.
She wasn't once upon a time.
I remember her in the sunlight.
I remember her when she was mine."
I stayed motionless as the crowd around me gave a polite round of applause. After a few more minutes, I couldn't stand being in this place anymore with all these thoughts coursing through my brain. I decided to go home and confront Alex about this.
The drive home was the longest one yet. As I stood in front of our door, I began second guessing myself.
What if this was all in my head?
Yes, Sebastian might have feelings for Alex but that didn't mean Alex had feelings for him. Right?
Only one way to find out. I inserted the key to our door and slowly turned the knob.
I found Alex sitting on the couch and watching TV. Quietly, I sat next to him. When I didn't speak, Alex looked over at me.
"Matt, are you okay?"
I shook my head.
Alex turned the TV off. "What's wrong?" He asked.
I didn't want to beat around the bush. "Do you still have feelings for Sebastian because I'm very certain that he still has feelings for you?"
Alex froze, his eyes searching my face for a sign indicating I was joking or kidding. I wasn't.
"Why are you asking this?"
I sighed, "Answer the question, Alex."
"No," he said. "I – I don't. I love you, Matt. How do you even know about Sebastian and me?"
I shook my head, "Only because he told me. Why do – why do I feel like you don't love me like you used to?"
Alex looked at me, confused. "What do you mean?"
"I mean, I didn't want to notice this but now that I have, I can't disregard it. You're always so ... different when you're with him. It's like you're a different person – like you're happier. Do you know how that makes me feel? To know that I can't make you as happy as he can?"
"Matt, that's not true," he started.
"Please don't lie to me, Alex. Obviously you and he have history. He told me as much. Why did it have to take him to tell me? It should have been you. It feels like you've been lying to me for months."
"I'm sorry if that's how you feel, Matt. I just – I didn't want to bring that part of my life back up."
"You should have told me, though, Alex. Now – now I feel like I can't trust you."
"But you can trust me, Matt." Alex leaned forward and touched my hand. "You can."
"Does everyone know – about you and him?" I asked, realizing something. Alex didn't respond but his eyes told me everything I needed to. "They do, don't they? God! That song he sang Thanksgiving – that was about you wasn't it? Everyone but me knew it didn't they?"
"Matt," he started again.
I pulled my hand away, "That's so embarrassing, Alex! How will I be able to look at everyone in the eye again? God! And I'm so stupid because he was so obvious!" I couldn't stay seating anymore. I stood up and began pacing our living room. "I went to El Vaso tonight and he sang this other song talking about how – how you don't love me and you're just lonely. How I was just "another guy" to you. What am I supposed to do about that, Alex? I don't even know if he knows you better than I do."
"Matt, please calm down."
"I – I can't be here right now."
Alex stood up and walked towards me. "Matt?"
"No. I'm sorry, Alex, I – I can't be here right now." I walked to the door and stepped outside, leaving Alex alone in our apartment. I didn't know where I was going but I just knew that I had to be alone to process all this.
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Sebastian
After I finished singing, I drank a few beers at the bar of El Vaso before heading home. Walking up to my house, I opened the door and blinked when I noticed someone sitting in my couch.
"Alex?" I asked, not really recognizing my faceless visitor.
Alex stood up from the couch and glared at me. "Why did you have sing that song?"
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"You're right. I guess I'm not being clear enough. The song you sang at Thanksgiving. Oh yeah, also the song you sang at El Vaso tonight."
"How do you know about what I sang at El Vaso?"
"Matt was there. He heard you. He asked me if it was about me – if there was still something between us." Alex ran his hand through his hair. "I told him there wasn't but he didn't believe me. We got in a fight. How could you sing that in front of everyone? How could you make it so obvious?"
I looked at him but ignored his question again. "That's all you have to say? Really?"
"Why did you have to do that, Sebastian?" he repeated.
Fine. He wants to play this game.
"Do what, Alex? All I did was sing about how I felt. I have feelings too, you know? It's not just you. If Matt is mad at anything it's because, like me, he knows you have feelings for me, too. If I'm wrong, why should you or he care?"
I never meant to get us in this deep.
I never meant for this to mean a thing.
I wish you were the one –
Wish you were the one that got away.
Alex shook his head. "You had no right to share that in front of everyone. You made Matt think that I didn't love him. You weren't fine with doing it once. Oh no, you went ahead and sang about it twice. I should have known better, once an asshole, always an asshole."
That took me by surprise. "Whoa, wait. You're mad at me? You're the asshole here, Alex," I said.
Alex's eyes grew wide. "Me? How the fuck am I the asshole? You ruined the trust Matt and I had! You screwed up everything just like I knew you would! I knew it was a mistake letting myself fall for you again."
"What the fuck? Are you really saying I screwed up your life – your perfect little fantasy of a life with Matt? Do you even love him? I doubt it since, ever since you've been back, we've both felt that spark we used to have."
"Fuck you, Sebastian! He's a better person than you!"
I couldn't help myself. "That's not what I asked," I scoffed.
"I care for him, you ass!"
"Don't be stupid, Alex. You don't love him!"
"Why – why do you care if I love him or not? You have no right to ask me that, Sebastian! If I remember correctly, you were the one that left me. You did. If you want to talk about love – fine. When I met you, I thought I had met the person I was going to spend my life with – I did. But you left me. You hurt me and you chose Emma. It's been eight years and I'm all better now. You can't blame me for the way I chose to repair what you fucked up! You don't get to call me stupid!"
I got caught up with the chase.
And you got high on every little game.
I wish you were the one –
Wish you were the one that got away.
"You are stupid, Alex! You think you love him but you don't!"
"That is my decision to make, Sebastian. Not yours!"
"Then why do you keep sending both of us mixed signals, Alex?" I glared at him through the dark of my room. "Why can't you make up your damn mind and pick who you want to be with instead of dragging both of us around? It's so obvious you aren't happy with him! You said I'm in your mind all the time. What am I supposed to fucking think about that? Did you expect me to just be okay with that? You already know what it feels like to watch the person you love be with someone else. How did you think this was going to be any different?"
"You could have at least warned me, though!" Alex ran his hands through his hair in frustration again. "Now I can't even look at Matt in the eye anymore! You should have given me more time to think!"
"What?" I asked, incredulous. "You've had years to think, Alex! Can you stop being a coward for once and do what you want not what you think you want? There is nothing between Matt and you and you know it. You're just too scared to admit it to yourself."
Alex's nostrils flared and I noticed his fists were clenched.
"Go on then! Hit me! Hit me if that's what you want to do."
For a second, I genuinely thought he was going to do it. Instead, Alex turned around and kicked the couch behind him. "What about you, huh? What's Sebastian been doing in the past eight years? You can't be mad at me for being with Matt when you've probably been fucking around, too!" Alex shrugged and faced me. "So who have you been fucking now other than Melissa, Sebby? Girls? Guys?"
I felt my cheeks flush at his insinuations. "I'll fuck whoever I like!" I turned away from him and ran my hand through my hair. After a deep breath, I turned back to face him. "You know, you left me, too. You left me when I needed you the most. We needed you." I said, referring to Lily and me. "You weren't there!" I felt a rawness in my throat but I didn't care. "I might have left you for a few months but I came back. You left me for years! You never came back! All I hear is `Me! Me! Me!' But what about me, Alex? What about me? I know I hurt you and I've apologized time and time again but at what point are you going to realize how much you hurt me, too?"
I miss the way you wanted me,
When I was staying just out of your reach.
Begging for the slightest touch.
Oh, you couldn't get enough.
In our arguing, I hadn't realized how close to each other we had gotten again. His chest was inches away from mine. "Don't you get it?" I asked as I took hold of his shoulders. "I love you." Alex wouldn't look at me and tried to free himself from my grip.
"Alex," I said as he struggled to get away from me.
"Leave me alone!"
He yanked one of his hands free but I held tightly to his right shoulder. "Alex," I said as he turned away from me.
Get away from me.
Get away from me.
Before anybody has to bleed.
I turned him back to face me and looked into his red brimmed eyes. Seeing this, all the anger I felt for him evaporated. We weren't kids anymore. We didn't need to keep playing this back and forth game anymore. "I broke up with Melissa after Thanksgiving. I realized she wasn't who I wanted to be with. I'm not sleeping around with anyone else, Alex." In case he didn't understand what I was trying to say I continued, "It's just you. It's always just been you. I'll never regret you."
Alex's eyes closed and he tried, one last time, to pull himself away from me. I didn't let him. Instead, he buried his face in my shoulder and I felt him begin to cry. I cradled the back of his neck as he wept. His hands traveled to my back and he rested them on my shoulder blades. After a few seconds, he raised his face and met my eyes. I was sure he could see what I was feeling through my eyes the same way I could see through his. Slowly, his face grew closer to mine and I felt his hand cradle the back of my neck, pulling me closer to him. I stood there, not wanting to encourage or discourage his actions.
Oh, if I could go back in time when you only held me in my mind.
Just a longing – gone without a trace.
Oh, I wish I'd never, ever seen your face.
I felt his breath on my lips as he got closer to me. Just like that, his lips were against mine and our tongues began to wrestle with each other's. Everything that had happened in the past eight years dissolved between our lips. After what felt like forever, he pulled away from me and we looked into each other's eyes one more time – his forehead resting on mine.
I wish you were the one.
I wish you were the one.
Oh, I wish you were the one that got away.
"I love you, Alex," I said. "I love you and that's the truth." I held his body closer to mine and kissed his forehead. "I love you," my voice cracked. "Do you – do you love me?" I placed my hand on his cheek. "Because I'm very certain that I'm falling for you again and I don't want to do that if this is just going to end the way it did before."
Alex looked at me for a few seconds. Only the sound of our beating hearts filling my silent living room. "I – I don't," he whispered.
My heart sank.
I don't.
"What?" I whispered.
"I don't love you," he repeated as he pulled away from me.
"But that kiss – "
"I don't love you, Sebastian." Alex shut his eyes and stepped further away from me. "I love Matt. I love him."
"After all this time? After all the things you've said? You really don't love me?"
I saw tears pool in the corners of his eyes. "I don't love you."
"But," I couldn't help it, my voice broke. "But I love you."
Alex met my eyes. "And I don't love you."
Like that, he turned around and walked out my door.
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Alex
After the third time Matt wouldn't answer my call, I decided to leave a voicemail.
"Hey, Matt. Please call me back. I'm sorry that you had to find out about Sebastian and I like this but I promise you – I love you. Not him. I'll do anything it takes for you to believe me just please come home."
I ended the voicemail and put my phone away.
The feel of Sebastian's lips still burning against my own, I sat in my living room and waited for Matt to come home.