Author's Note: Despite the numerous ripoffs from both "Alice In Wonderland" and other children's stories, this tale is decidedly NOT for children, as it involves adult/sexual situations. So, if you're under the legal age, please stop reading right here.
Disclaimer: This story is based on (of course) the Lewis Carroll children's classic, "Alice in Wonderland," however it does include "cameo" appearances from other stories - most notably, "The Wizard of Oz." If you look carefully, you may spot a passing reference or two to "Monty Python," so look for it. Not to mention a special guest appearance by the SRU Wizard. This work is purely fictional and is by no means meant to infringe on any copyrights. All references are meant in the sincerest form of flattery. I love the stuff, that's why I'm putting them in here.
Thanks of course go to all the authors I've borrowed from. And to all the authors on FictionMania, Sapphire's Place and the various other TG sites all over the web for building up my courage to submit (much less write) this story.
Al(ice)'s Adventures in Wonderland by MAD Mike
Chapter 1: Down the Rabbit Hole
I couldn't believe I was actually doing this. I mean, I didn't even like the stupid cat, and here I was searching the neighborhood for Dinah, my girlfriend's cat. For about the millionth time, I was thinking about just turning around and heading back to tell her I couldn't find the cat. For all I knew it was out with some neighborhood tom having a good time laughing at me looking for her.
"Hey, man," a voice called to me from behind. "You lookin' for a little pussy?"
"Excuse me?" I said, turning around to confront the pervert who asked that. But I just got as far as turning around and stopped cold. Instead of the regular human being I was expecting, a tall white rabbit in a very stylish suit was standing there leaning against a tree. "Uh..." I stammered, "no, my ... uh ... girlfriend's cat."
"That's what I meant," he said, shaking his head. "Man, get your mind out of the gutter, would ya?"
"Oh, sorry..." I told him, a bit more coherent than I would've expected talking to a talking rabbit. "Yeah, I'm looking for a cat. You seen her?"
"No, but I can take you where all the cool cats hang out," he said, heading off through the trees. "Come on, it's just through here."
Needless to say, I was hesitant to follow him. A grown man, following a rabbit through the woods? When did my life turn into a fairy tale? "Are you coming? I'm gonna be late, ya know."
"Right, sorry," I said, hurrying after him. "God, tell me I'm dreaming," I muttered to myself, pushing a few branches out of the way.
"The Dreaming?" my guide said. I forgot about those ears of his. "Nope, sorry, that's copyrighted by DC Comics. This story's stepping on enough toes as it is without getting them in on it." I nearly knocked him over when he stopped suddenly in the middle of a clearing I'd never seen before. "This is it," he said, turning back to me, glancing at his pocket watch. "Good, I still have some time."
"What are you talking about?" I said, looking around in confusion. "There's nothing here."
"Sure there is," he said with a laugh. "Right here." Looking where he pointed, I saw he was right. There was a hole in the ground at our feet. And a small though brightly lit neon sign reading "The Rabbit Hole" with an arrow pointing down the hole.
"God, it's a Bugs Bunny cartoon, now," I said, shaking my head. I was really starting to wonder just when everything slipped so far out of my control.
"HEY!" the white rabbit snapped at me. "No bad-mouthing the Master!" Then, with another sudden moodswing, he asked, "You coming or what?"
Before I could answer, he dropped down the hole, disappearing into the darkness below.
"Great!" I said, breathing a sigh of relief. "He's gone, now I can get back to reality."
I was about to turn around and head back to my girlfriend's place when the ground crumbled under me, and whether I liked it or not, I was falling down the hole right after the rabbit.
As I fell, the feeling that I was really dreaming (no matter what the rabbit said) grew stronger and stronger. There were shelves and chairs and lamps and all sorts of odds and ends placed apparently at random along the walls. Books and plates and cups seemed to float there despite the fact that I was still falling past them.
Below me, I couldn't see a thing, not even the rabbit. While up above, the tiny spot that was daylight was growing smaller and smaller. Hoping -- praying -- that I'd wake up before hitting the bottom, I closed my eyes tight and braced for impact when I hit.
I'm not sure how long I was standing there, but when I finally opened my eyes I found myself standing in front of a nightclub. That's right... a nightclub! Hundreds (thousands?) of feet below the surface, I was standing in front of an honest-to-God nightclub, complete with bouncer and a long line of people waiting to get in. "Well, this is the right place," I said to myself, noticing the neon sign reading "The Rabbit Hole."
"Hey, buddy!" the bouncer called to me from the door, not sounding all that patient. "You comin' in, or ya gonna stand out there gawkin' all night? Come on! We ain't got all night!"
"Uh, right, sorry..." I muttered, hurrying inside before he changed his mind. But not before wondering at the irony of having a rather large, very muscular rabbit as a bouncer. Inside, I found pretty much what I expected. A good-sized crowd almost but not quite filling the place. Many on the dance floor, others at various tables almost screaming to be heard over the band. What I wasn't fully expecting were the various species making up the crowd.
Practically every kind of animal you could imagine was represented there, all anthropomorphized like my friend the rabbit who'd brought me here in the first place. That, I was sort of starting to get used to... What I wasn't so sure about was the playing card people there too. Whatever else they might have been, they looked like giant playing cards of various suits, with a head at the top and hands and feet at each corner.
Feeling like a fish out of water (and half expecting to see one pop out of somewhere I hadn't seen yet), I pushed my way through the crowd to the bar and found an empty seat.
"Getcha somethin', pal?" the bartender, a lizard of some sort, asked, looking me over suspiciously.
"A carrot juice, Bill," a familiar voice called out from just behind me. Turning around, I found the rabbit standing there. "On the house."
"Right, boss," the lizard said, turning back to fix my drink.
"So, what'dya think?" the rabbit asked, with a sweeping gesture over the whole room. "Not too shabby, huh?"
"Yeah, it's nice," I nodded in agreement. Taking a better look around, I spotted something unusual. The stage the band was on was several feet higher than you'd normally expect. But then, seeing the band, it made sense. None of them were more that 4 feet tall. "Who's that playing?"
"You like them?" the rabbit asked. "I discovered them waving these giant lollipops around in some little nowhere burg over in Oz. Everyone said they wouldn't amount to anything, but since I convinced them to change their style and their name, they've become the hottest alternative group in Wonderland. Now, they're the 'Smashing Munchkins,' and they pack 'em in every night."
"Smashing Munchkins?" I laughed to myself.
"Yeah, 'Smashing'..." the rabbit nodded, as Bill set my drink in front of me. "Like what the British say instead of 'Great' or 'Fantastic'..."
"Or 'Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious'?" Okay, I don't know where that came from, but it seemed to fit somehow.
"Yeah, that too," the rabbit laughed. "Come on, drink up. Relax and enjoy the music. I'll ask around and see if anyone's seen your pussy." As soon as he said it, he groaned and rolled his eyes, "God, I hate running gags."
Before I could say anything else, he had disappeared into the crowd, leaving me sitting there in a crowd of strange creatures. Some of whom were looking at me with some interest. A little nervous about the whole thing, I took a drink from the glass, and frowned a bit. Whatever was in that glass, it wasn't carrot juice. It wasn't all that bad really, though, so I drank some more.
It had a kind of fruity taste to it, and a strange tingling sensation spread through me as it went down. "Wow, this stuff's pretty good!" I giggled, not noticing my voice didn't sound quite right.
I guess Bill didn't like the sound of that for some reason, because he picked up the glass and sniffed it. "Uh-oh," he said, dumping the rest of the drink down the drain. "Sorry 'bout that, miss," he said, then scuttled over to another customer.
I would have asked what he meant by that "miss" part, but I soon found out. As I turned, I felt this strange jiggling on my chest, and something seemed to be pulling at my hair. Looking down, I nearly fell off my stool when I saw two large, very female breasts sticking out from my chest. Tentaively, I did a little (hopefully subtle) exploring, and found an unfamiliarly flat crotch. I'm a woman! I thought to myself. I should've been really upset, but for some reason I didn't feel at all uncomfortable.
After that, everything went kind of fuzzy...
"Hey, Al, wake up," somebody shouted in my ear. Whatever was in that drink, it felt like my head was about to explode in the most disgustingly messy and painful way imaginable.
"Please, not so loud," I groaned, squeezing my eyes shut even tighter. "What was in that drink?"
"Oh, that," the voice said, sounding very apologetic. "Sorry about that. I keep telling Bill he has to wear his glasses when he's tending the bar. Here, drink this," - a glass of something foul-smelling was pushed into my hand. "It does wonders for hangovers."
It tasted as bad as it smelled, but he was right. Almost right away, I was feeling better. Blinking a few times to get my eyes in focus again, I looked at the rabbit. "So, just what was in that drink anyway? Did I really turn into a woman?"
"Yeah, you did," he answered with a small chuckle. "That was what we call the Bimbo. Turns whoever drinks it into a very sexy, but not all that bright woman for a while. Don't worry, though, there's no hidden after effects." He paused a moment, thinking, then shrugged. "At least not after just one drink. But anyway, I found someone who saw your pussy." There was only a brief pause at that. I was really starting to hate running gags myself. "Get dressed, then we can get you on your way."
"Great," I said, sitting up with a sigh. "The sooner I find that stupid cat, the sooner I can get out of this madhouse."
"Hey! I don't go around criticizing your home!" the rabbit said, indignantly. "And believe me, there's a lot I could say!"
"Sorry, I didn't mean it that way," I said, trying hard to keep back a laugh. I glanced around the room - a pretty well appointed, stylish office, actually -- and frowned. "Where are my clothes?"
"Huh?" the rabbit replied. "Oh, they got kind of messed up last night. I had them sent out to be sewn up. Hold on a sec."
He ducked out of the office for a minute, then a snake slithered in carrying something on a hanger and draped in plastic. "'Ere ya go, mate," he said, hanging it on nothing there in midair. "This should do ya jus' roight."
Before I could do anything else, this strong wind kicked up out of nowhere and swirled everything around in the room. It was all I could do just to hold on to the couch I'd been lying on. It calmed down again after a second, but something was really wrong.
"There ya go," the snake said, nodding with satisfaction. "Wha' I tell ya? Looks perfec' on ya. Blue sets off yer eyes jus' roight."
"But it's a DRESS!" I nearly screamed at him.
"Roight," he replied as if not noticing anything wrong. "An' it fits ya jus' perfec', too."
"Look, it's a very nice dress, but it's not what I wore when I came in here."
"'Course it ain't," he laughed. "Them clothes was all ruined. Tha's why the Boss says I should bring this 'ere in."
"No, you don't understand," I said, getting really frustrated here. "I'm a man, and this is a dress," I added, holding up the hem for emphasis. "Don't you have a pair of pants and a shirt somewhere I could wear?"
"Ya don' loike the dress?" he asked, looking at me confused. "It's such a pretty dress. Beautiful shade o' blue..."
"Yes, yes," I said again, trying hard to keep the annoyance in my voice down. "It's a very pretty dress. But I. Don't. Want. To. Wear. It!"
"Ohhhhh," he said, finally understanding. "Why di'n' ya say so in the firs' place? Got a nice skirt 'n' blouse jus' outside. I'll bring i' in..." He was about to slither out the door again, when the door opened, to let an odd-looking old man in a tattered bathrobe in.
"All right, all right," the man said, in annoyance. "Let's get this over with. Never did like these 'bit part' plot-moving appearances." Clearing his throat dramatically, he turned to the snake. "Monty, what do you think you're doing here? You were supposed to bring him some men's clothes to wear."
"I tried to, guv," Monty replied, not missing a beat. "Bu' 'e insisted on the dress," he added, pointing a clawed finger at me.
"What?" I shouted. "No I didn't! You brought it in here and forced it on me! I was trying to get a pair of pants, for crying out loud!"
"No, you didn't!" Monty started to argue, but the old man held up a hand to stop him.
"Never mind all that," he said, shaking his head (was he getting as annoyed as I was?). "Just get back to work. I'll take care of this." Monty was about to say something else, but a look from the old man cut him short. Instead, he just shrugged and slithered back out the door again.
"Now, then... Now that that nonsense is taken care of..." the old man said, turning back to me again. "You know, I really hate being cast in these kinds of stories. I'm plunked down here for maybe a page at the most and shuffled off again. Where's the justice in that? I'm a professional, you know! I've got a whole line of stories all my own out there. I don't need this kind of aggravation."
"Ummm, excuse me," I said, as he went on complaining. I could almost sympathize with the guy, he was somewhere he didn't want to be just like I was. But all this was getting neither of us anywhere. "What are you talking about?" I asked him, totally confused about this whole thing.
"What?" the man said, with a frown. "Oh, right, sorry about that. Never mind, let's just get this over with, eh?" He frowned again, patting the pockets of his robe looking for something. "Now, what did I do with that script? Ah, here it is!" Out of nowhere, he pulled what looked like a movie script several inches thick, and paged through it. "Let's see now... Down the rabbit hole... The Bimbo drink, heh, gotta get the recipe for that one... Monty and the dress... Right, here we are..." He read over the page a moment, then nodded to himself.
Then turning back to me again, he cleared his throat dramatically, and looked me over critically, "No, this won't do at all. We can't have a man wearing a woman's dress, can we, Al?"
"That's what I've been trying to tell you guys all a long!" I said, exasperated. Then it hit me. "Wait a minute... How did you know my name?"
"Please, let's not get started with that," he said, shaking his head again. "I get that enough in my shop. Let's just say our friend the rabbit told me and leave it at that, OK?" I just nodded mutely, and he actually smiled (well, a little, anyway). "Good, now let's get this over with. I don't think I should let Dannie handle this next customer alone. Now, as I was saying, a man in a woman's dress just won't do. We'll have to change it."
I couldn't agree more, but I did get a little curious as he pulled a small locket on a silver chain out of nowhere. "Put this on and everything'll be all set," he said, putting it in my hand.
Before I knew it, the same sort of tingling I'd felt the night before spread over me again. A moment later, I knew I was changed again, even without looking at myself. That same weight was pulling down on my chest, and another at the back of my head. "You made me a girl again?"
Looking in the mirror hanging on one wall, I was actually amazed at how I looked. The woman looking back at me was actually very pretty. Blond, shoulder length hair framed a face totally free of facial hair and blemishes (not to mention the broken nose I'd gotten when I was eleven). She even had a great figure. Her breasts were just the perfect size for the rest of her body. Her legs seemed to go on forever, disappearing up under the hem of the dress. "My God, is that me?" I asked in a whisper, running my hands carefully over my new body. I couldn't believe how incredible it all felt. Even through the fabric, I felt a light tingle at my touch.
"Of course," the old man said, sounding mildly insulted. "Changing clothes is so mundane after all. Changing genders makes for a much more interesting story, I always say." He turned back to the door, but paused just before opening it. "Oh, and good luck in finding your pussy, Alice."
The man stepped outside again, closing the door behind him. "Wait! You can't just leave me like this!" I called after him, opening the door expecting the old man to be right there or at least nearby. But instead, there was the rabbit again, hand out to turn the door knob.
"Who leave you like what?" he asked, confused. "Nice dress, by the way. Blue looks good on you."
"Did you see a strange old man in a bathrobe?" I asked him, ignoring the dress comment for the moment. "He just came out a second ago." I looked around, but the old man was nowhere to be seen.
"A bathrobe?" he laughed. "No one's come through here like that that I've seen. Who was he?"
"I don't know," I said, with a sigh. God, this whole place was giving me a headache. "He's the one who did this to me. After Monty put this dress on me."
"Monty? Oh, you mean, the python," the rabbit nodded. "Well, he's as near-sighted as Bill is sometimes. Good to see you looking better at least. Come on and I'll show you where your p-- cat went."
Just then, I noticed something. The old man had left that "script" behind when he put the locket around my neck. "Wait, I want to check this out," I said with a grin, picking it up. "Al(ice)'s Adventures in Wonderland by MAD Mike" the cover read. "Great title," I muttered to myself, turning to the first page...
Only to find every page of it blank. "What the hell?" I frowned, continuing through it. There, on the last page, I found the answer I was looking for. In an odd script, the strange old man had written: "Sorry, Al. But that would be cheating. You're going to have to find your own way through this story. Wouldn't want to give away the whole story like that."
Great, I thought, tossing the script in the wastebasket. Can't catch a break anywhere. Before I could do anything else, he grabbed my arm and led me outside again.
Outside, everything looked a bit different in daylight than it had when I arrived. For one thing, I noticed the club faced onto a sort of town square. There were a bunch of people all around, but nobody was paying us much attention, so the rabbit led me to the center of the square.
"Now, there's two roads out of here," he explained. "One leading that way," he said, pointing with his left hand to the right. "And one leading that way," pointing to the left with his right.
"Don't tell me," I said with a snicker, as I saw the road to the right. "I have to follow the yellow brick road?"
"What? What gave you that silly idea?" he laughed, shaking his head again, his long ears flopping in amusement. "No, no, you don't want to go that way, trust me. Your pussy went down that way," he added, pointing down the other road. "Just keep following it and you'll find her sooner or later."
I was about to ask him something else, but when I turned around again, the rabbit had disappeared into the crowd. "Well, there's nothing else to do here," I said to myself with a shrug. "May as well head out."
So, that's what I did, feeling every sway and shimmy and jiggle of this new body of mine as I went, and really hoping I'd wake up from this some time soon.
To be Continued...