Hallo lovlies!!! I hope that this chapter finds you all well. I know I just submitted a chapter late last week, but I figured I would try to make up for the fact that almost two weeks past between the last two postings. Again, thanks to everyone for writing with your thoughts and feelings about the story. I honestly do appreciate all of them, the good and the bad. I hope that you guys will continue writing. The email address is boricuaholandes@hotmail.com. Use it! You can also feel free to join the yahoo group if you choose ca.groups.yahoo.com/group/futurecanadiansgroup.
Alright. Y'all enjoy...
All Good Things Chapter 14 -- Destruction/The Unexpected
When I was 22, I was indestructible. I could do anything, handle anything, and I didn't take anything from anyone. I was stubborn. I seemed to know how to do anything and everything I set my mind to do, and no one could tell me a better way to do it. From the time I'd graduated high school, I'd dated a few men. Some were good guys; some were not so good; I even dated a few thugs in my day. I had sex with some of them, but most of them didn't get beyond a second date, if that far. Then I met Adán, the man that was everything that all the men I'd dated had been, and so much more. He was attractive; he was smart; he was nice. He was of Spanish decent, but he spoke no Spanish at all. He was a second generation Canadian. His grandparents had immigrated from Europe just before the Civil War in the 1930s. He was amazing in bed, and he knew better than anyone I'd ever known how to rock my world. From time to time, he smoked a little `hierba' (herb), just for the good time. To be honest, I smoked with him a couple of times myself. I was, after all, indestructible. Then the frequency of his use became more regular. At first, it was every Saturday night, then twice a week, then every night, at some point. It came to a point where it was costing him more and more money to keep up his habit, but it didn't phase him. He smoked more and more until he realized that he could get a different kind of high out of cocaine, as well as other drugs. He stopped smoking and started doing other things. He would tell me that he loved me, but then would get pissed when I wouldn't join him in his revelry. As our relationship progressed, my own self-worth plummeted to depths previously unknown. He cheated on me more than once, did unmentionable things to me, and, in the end, left me to die. Looking back on things now, it's almost as if a higher power were telling me that I was not, in fact, unbeatable. It left me with a deep mistrust for every man but my father, brother, and my grandfathers, both of whom were still living at the time, but who died shortly after the episode that almost ended my life. To attempt to escape and rebuild my life led me to Auburn. It led me to a journey of unexpected twists and turns. It led me to great friends whom I will never forget. It let to more work that I would ever wish upon anyone, but it was great. The most important thing that I found in Auburn, though, was my ability to love another person again. To put trust in someone that I didn't know and have the faith that that person wouldn't hurt me. I know that I harp often about Tony and what he meant to me, but I'm not sure that I can truly express those feelings with simple words. Anyone who's ever been totally in love will know that those inner feelings transcend lexical description.
It was that love that I felt for him that led me to believe that he'd never treat me the way Adán had done. I knew in my heart of hearts that he couldn't ever treat me with as much disdain and disrespect as my previous lover. I trusted him with my life; my family trusted him with theirs; my sister and brother-in-law trusted him with my nephew's life. He was truly an amazing man. He made me feel invincible again. He gave me confidence in myself and my abilities. He led me from a very dark corner of self-loathing and mistrust and brought me into the proverbial light of life whose warmth was warmer and whose light was brighter than I'd remembered before. Perhaps both of those feelings came from wisdom and active knowledge of the past. He showed me that I was a survivor, and that I could pass over the most insurmountable of barriers in front of me.
Then came the moment that I'd dreaded so much in life. It was one week and one day after we returned to Auburn from Florida. I woke up early that morning to run some errands, pay some bills, and clean out the last few things that still remained in my office on campus. It had been an amazing day. The sun shined; the gentle breeze cut the heat of day. It was one of those days that you just want to let the top down on your convertible and drive just fast enough along a country road so that the wind never stopped flowing through your hair and the sights and smells of spring reminded you of your youth. I'd left Tony asleep that morning, since the rest of the week, he and I would be working to get things packed up and ready to move either to Canada, in the case of our personal belongings, or Charlotte, in the case of our furniture, which we'd agreed to give to Martín for his very first apartment. I wanted him to have a restful, relaxing day, because I was sure that I'd be driving him mad over the next few to get things done. As the day ended, I made a slight detour toward Tigertown, the area's most extensive shopping center. I went to Best Buy and Target, browsing through both stores with no real ideas in mind of what to purchase. I went to World Market and browsed through their selection of goods that had been found in all the reaches of the world. I never bought anything in that store except for wine, tea, and chocolate, but it was fun just to browse around and see the things that they had stocked for their more discerning customers. I left the store with two bottles of Chilean wine. Tony and I would probably end up drinking part of one of the bottles over dinner, which probably would be pizza, since I'd already started packing most of the kitchen things, such as the pots, pans, and plates. I was very calm and happy as I drove down Glenn Avenue toward the apartment. I listened to happy songs that played through my iPod in the car's stereo system. I don't remember what song it was that was playing, but I remember that it evoked feelings of happiness and contentment.
As I pulled into the apartment complex, I pulled the car in a space next to Tony's truck. I smiled as I walked toward our building and then slowly up the stairs to the apartment. I didn't notice, at first, that Josh's truck was parked just on the other side of my car.
As I opened the door, my heart sank. My arms went weak first, causing me to drop the bag from World Market that carried the two bottles of wine. My legs were next, and I felt like my knees were going to buckle beneath me. Before me was a scene I'd seen before, but that I hoped I'd never have to repeat again.
Tony was sitting on the couch, wearing a shirt that I'd given him at a random point in time. His jeans were around his ankles. Josh was sitting on top of him, completely naked and enjoying sex that Tony should have been having with me, his boyfriend. I started crying uncontrollably, and eventually had to walk outside onto the patio as Josh pulled himself up and started to get dressed. I was beyond words; my breathing became heavy; my hard pumped hard in my chest. I was reliving one of my worst nightmares. I started and then couldn't stop crying. Josh ran out of the house in just a moment, quickly descending the stairs and getting to his truck, all without even looking in my direction.
Walking back into the house, Tony was standing there pacing. Was he thinking about what to tell me? Was he planning `the truth'? He started talking to me, but, to be completely honest, it sounded like the Charlie Brown teacher from the Peanuts movies. I couldn't understand a word he was saying, but from the look on his face, he was begging forgiveness for his crime. Would he have even told me if I hadn't caught him in the act? Despite the fact that he was talking to me, I couldn't respond. I just turned toward the bedroom and walked slowly. Once in the room, I took a suitcase from the closet and began packing some clothes.
Tony reached up and put his hand on my shoulder. "Don't fucking touch me!" I screamed as I turned to look at him. In a moment, all of my sadness turned to anger. He stopped talking for a second as I looked at him. "Please...you just had your dick in his ass. Forgive me if I don't want you to lay a finger on me."
He pulled away but kept talking. His voice blurred with those that were in my head. I couldn't distinguish his from what my mind was telling me. I finished packing the suitcase and headed toward the door. I didn't know where I was going, but I couldn't stay there, with him. He was following me to the door, but I wouldn't stop. I quickly descended the stairs. I only stopped when I heard Tony scream from within the apartment, followed by the loud sound of something being thrown against the wall. I got to the car, continuing to bawl and pulled out of the parking lot as quickly as I could. There was no reason for my actions; I was simply acting out of an odd sense of self-preservation. I made it a few blocks away, toward the interstate, when I finally had to just pull over. My breathing got heavy again, and my heart began to pump again. It felt like I was having an anxiety attack.
After relaxing for a few minutes, I started driving again. I pulled onto the interstate and headed toward Montgomery. For a moment, I thought about staying there that night and then coming back to Auburn in the coming morning, but by the time I got to the state's capital, I didn't want to stop. I wanted to just keep driving. I didn't want to stop, because the moment I did, I'd be stuck wherever I was, thinking about all of the things that I'd been scared about happening since the moment I met Tony that dreary Tuesday afternoon in the language lab. So I kept going, driving up I-65 though Birmingham, Cullman, Huntsville, up through the Tennessee countryside and into Nashville. By the time I got there, it was almost eleven, and I couldn't stay awake very much longer. I felt all the energy draining from my body as if I were a car with a leak in the gas tank. I made it to Brentwood and pulled off the interstate. Luckily for me, there was a hotel just off the interstate. I decided that it was probably best to just stay there, despite a bad feeling that I wouldn't be sleeping very much that evening. I pulled into a space close to the door. It was all that I could do to take the suitcase from the car and walk inside the front door.
"Can I help you, sir?" the lady asked.
"Can I please have a room for the evening?" I asked, now realizing just how drained I was.
"Yes. All I have is a queen room, though. Is that OK?"
"Yeah. That's fine," I said, handing her my passport and credit card to the lady.
"Thank you, Mr. Henry," she said as she handed me some paperwork to sign and then a receipt and a room key. She smiled and then directed me around to the elevators.
"Jake?" a familiar voice said before I made my way all the way to the elevator. I turned to the direction of the voice.
"Hey Lucas," I said, trying to be nice to one of the men who'd at one point been one of Tony's frat brothers. "How are you?"
"Good. How about you? How's that boyfriend of yours?" he asked politely.
"I'm OK. He and I had a fight tonight, though."
"That explains why you've been crying, then."
"Is it that obvious?"
"Yeah. You OK? Do I need to call somebody for you?"
"Thank you, Lucas, but I'll be fine."
"Alright. Well, I'm in room 4310 if you need anything."
"Thank you, very much. I will let you know."
"Alright man," he said as he walked away. I waved politely to him and took the elevator to my own room.
The room was good enough for one evening. I sat the suitcase down on a chair and lay down on the bed. I breathed deeply a few times, but I found I couldn't cry. It was as if all the crying I'd done that afternoon had dried my tear ducts. The phone began to ring in my pocket. I was in such a bad mood that I couldn't handle talking to whomever it was that was calling. It was probably Tony, anyway, and I really didn't want to talk to him. I managed to get up just long enough to put on some different clothes to sleep in. A bit later, I was able to lay down for a few minutes. I finally went to sleep around 1 in the morning. It wasn't peaceful, needless to say.
The next morning, I woke up numb from the previous day's experiences. I showered and checked out quickly. I had no desire to stay in Nashville any longer than I had to. It's a nice city, but I didn't want to stay in one place for too long. I'd realized in the year or so since I started driving, that being behind the wheel of the car could be a powerfully relaxing time for someone. It was around 9 am when I left Nashville. I headed north on I-65 toward Louisville. Then I took I-71 toward Cincinnati, followed by I-75 to Dayton and Detroit. It was obviously that the car was leading me toward Canada. Perhaps the BMW, in it's own was, was telling me that you can always go home, and that you can always use that place to restore your faith in everything.
I reached the border at around 5 pm. A line had formed as people's documents were checked by the men dressed in white shirts with the black hats with the checked band. Finally, my turn arrived.
"Hello. How are you today?"
"I'm good," I answered as I handed him my driver's license, passport, and car registration. (Don't ask me why I handed my car registration to the man. I still wasn't thinking straight, I suppose.)
"That's good, Mr. Henry. Headed home?"
"Yes sir," I answered without thinking.
"Good. Welcome home, then!"
"Thank you," I said as I smiled.
Four hours later, I was pulling into Toronto. I realized as I drove into the city that I'd completely lost my fear of Toronto drivers. Perhaps a bright spot in my time in Auburn is that I realized how crazy drivers work well enough to move around without problems. The car seemed to meander through the streets of Toronto until I came upon Joey's gym. It was almost 10 pm, but he was still there with a client. I walked in the door, setting off a bell in the process.
"I'll be right back," I heard Joey tell the client as he walked toward the reception lobby of the gym. "Can I help...JAKE!" he said as he came over to me and pulled me into a hug. "How are you?" he said as he pulled away. Noticing the blank expression on my face, his smile disappeared. "I take it things are not all good right now."
"Not really. I just need a friend."
"I take it since you're alone that it has something to do with Tony," he commented. "Give me just a minute, and I'll run up and fix you some tea." I nodded and walked around the lobby for a second. Joey walked into the main gym for a second. Hearing the clanging of the weights, it reminded me of when Tony worked for the gym on campus. I remembered being happy as Tony helped whip my body into shape. I also remember that one most of those nights, we'd got back to the apartment and make sweet love to one another until we fell asleep among the mass of hot, sweaty, steamy, wet sheets. A man walked passed me in the lobby and smiled in my direction. He donned a light jacket and walked out of the gym and toward a car parked close to mind. Joey came back into the lobby and locked the door. He turned off the lights and then smiled as he grabbed my suitcase and led me upstairs to the apartment above the gym. He turned on the light to the small apartment's living room and motioned for me to have a seat as he carried my suitcase into another room. There were no words between us, but there seemed to be an air of friendship and support. He'd been through cheating boyfriends, just like I had, but he seemed better equipped to handle the situation that I had been, either time I had caught my boyfriend. I could see into the small kitchenette as he put water into the kettle and then set it on to boil. We looked at each other, and he made a goofy face. I smiled for the first time in two days.
"Do you remember the first time I called you on the phone with Adán around?" I asked as he stood in the kitchen waiting on the water to get hot enough to make tea.
"He didn't?!?" Joey said, looking at me.
"Yeah. I caught him yesterday afternoon doing a guy from his fraternity."
"Oh my God, Jake. I am so sorry," Joey said as he determined the water was hot enough and poured it into two coffee mugs.
"It's not your fault, Joey, but thank you."
"You know. I've never understood why men cheat. I mean, I think that we're two really good, really smart, really cool guys who have a lot to give a man, but yet when we give our hearts, we get shit on."
"I know it. I mean, what did I ever do to him to make him feel like he had to go outside our relationship to get his rocks off? Was I not good enough for him, or something?"
"Trust me, Jake. You're REALLY good!" Joey exclaimed, smiling at me. "And it's not you, I promise." He looked at the mug of tea in his hand. "You're really a great guy. You didn't do anything to make him want to go outside. He's just stupid. He evidently just didn't realize that he had a smart, funny, sexy-as-hell, sweet man at home." Joey scooted over close to me and wrapped his free arm across my shoulder. He pulled me into one of those really sweet sideways hugs. My head felt natural as it rested on his shoulder and chest.
"Thank you, Joey."
"No worries, Jake. You'd do the same thing for me if the situations were reversed, right?"
"Damn right," I answered as I realized a tear went down my face and onto the muscle shirt he was wearing. "Oh sorry," I said as I lifted his head.
"It's alright, Jake. Not the first time a hot man has cried on my chest."
"Not the first time I've cried on your chest," I said, setting my head back down on him for a second.
"It's OK, Jake. We're cool like that," he said, making a weird face and puckering his lips. I chuckled a little bit as I looked at him. He smiled.
Joey always had this way about him that made me smile. "OK, dude. Before you pass out from the aroma of my underarms, I'm going to go take a shower. Find something on the TV to watch, and I will be back in 10 minutes. Cool?"
"Cool," he unwrapped himself from around me and stood up in front of me. I flipped through the channels. It was a Tuesday night, and nothing was on TV. I flipped through the channels as the water flowed in the bathroom. The news was on CTV, and the CBC is just as interesting. I quickly skipped past the American channels. I had no desire to be reminded of Tony by anything that might be shown on American TV.
"Anything interesting?" he asked as he came out, with a white towel wrapped around his waist.
"Not really," I said as I continued to flip.
"Ah. Well...here's the deal. I only have the futon to sleep on. You're welcome to it, and I can pull out a sleeping bag and camp out on the floor."
"No man. It's your house, and I've already become and imposition on your personal space."
"Jake. You're one of the only people on this planet I call a friend. You're so not an imposition, so get that out of your head. OK?" He walked over to me and put his hands on my shoulders. "OK?"
"Alright."
"Now take the futon."
"Thank you, Joey."
"No hay problema. Hey, I just said something in Spanish!" he smiled at me.
(Not a problem.)
"I'm very proud of you."
"Cool!" he exclaimed as he walked back to the closet and grabbed a brown sleeping bag and another pillow. He tossed them onto the floor in front of the futon. "I guess I should put on some boxers," he said, realizing that he was still naked under the towel. He walked into the next room and pulled some white boxers onto his buff body. I'd pulled out the futon and was crouched up next to the wall when he came back in. He shut off the light and got the sleeping bag ready by the light from the street as it shined into his living room via the large window at one end of the room.
"Night Jake."
"Night, Joey." I shut my eyes and tried to go to sleep, but it was cold. Not in the sense that the temperature was too low, but in the sense that it was lonely. I heard him shuffle a few times on the floor, so I knew that he was still at least somewhat awake. "Joey, are you still awake?"
"Yep. You OK?"
"Can I ask you a really dumb favor?"
"Sure. Need something to drink?"
"No. Will you cuddle with me?" He climbed out of the sleeping bag and grabbed his pillow. I scooted closer to the wall as he climbed in under the covers. "I know you think I'm crazy, but I've gotten accustomed to having someone to sleep with at night."
"I completely understand. If I tell you something, will you promise never to tell another living soul?"
"Yeah."
"When Jeff and I split, I was the same way. Guess who cuddled with me so that I could get some sleep."
"Who?"
"Danny," he whispered.
"My brother?"
"Yeah."
"He never told me that." I knew that Joey had stayed there for a few days after they broke up, until he came to Auburn, but I never knew that Danny had cuddled with him.
"He's a very sweet man, just like his big brother." Joey wrapped his arm around me, holding me in a protective cocoon. "He's going to want to kill Tony."
"I know. Is it odd that I don't want him to be mad at Tony?"
"No. I was the same way with everybody and Jeff. I think I just wanted to move past that very bad time in my life."
"Do you think I did a good thing by coming home?" I asked after a second.
"Yeah. Jake. If he's going to do something like that, then he doesn't deserve you. I know that doesn't really answer the question, but it's the truth, so don't second guess yourself or your decision. OK?"
"Thank you, Joey."
I managed to sleep for a little while that night. I guess it was having somebody close to me. It was good to be held. The next morning, I woke before Joey did. His arms were wrapped around my body. I thought about Tony for a few minutes, but all the good memories were overshadowed by the images of Tony, making love in my house, on my sofa with another man. My reminiscing was broken by the sound of Joey's phone ringing. After the second ring, he climbed out of the bed and shuffled around the room until he found his phone.
"Hello?" he said.
"Hey Joey. This is Tony," I heard him say through the stark silence in the room.
"Hey man. How's it going?"
"Not too good, honestly. Jake and I had a fight Monday, and I've not heard from him since."
"Oh no," Joey said, playing like he didn't know what happened.
"Have you heard from him, by chance?"
"I haven't. Sorry," Joey answered.
"Will you do me a favor and ask him to call me if you do?"
"I will, Tony."
"Alright man. Thanks so much," Tony said.
"No problem, man."
"Cool. Bye Joey."
"Bye man," Joey said as he hung up the phone.
I turned over and looked at Joey. "Thank you," I said to Joey.
"No problem, Jake. I figured that since you came over here, you hadn't told your brother or mother yet."
"Not yet. I'm trying to figure out a way to tell them without them getting pissed off."
"Not likely to happen, Jakey," Joey answered. "It was all I could do not to tell him off on the phone just now."
"I'm sorry for putting you in an awkward position."
"You're not putting me in an awkward position. If you were, I'd have a hard on right now," he joked.
"JOEY!!!!" Danny yelled from downstairs, having used a key that Joey had given him to let himself into the gym. He climbed the stairs quickly and burst into the apartment. "Jake! There you are! We've been worried sick. Are you OK?" my brother asked as he saw me sitting up on the edge of the futon.
"I'm fine. I just needed to be incognito for a few days."
"Because of Tony?" Danny asked as he sat next to me.
"You've talked to him?" I asked.
"Yeah. He called me last night, crying," he said calmly. "He said that he'd fucked up real bad, but he wouldn't tell me what happened."
"Um..." I struggled to tell him. "Danny. Promise me that you won't get upset."
"I can't promise that," Danny said honestly.
"I caught him cheating on me," I answered. Danny stood up from the couch and walked toward the window. Joey excused himself and went downstairs. "Please don't be mad at me for not calling you, Danny. I just needed to be incognito, because I didn't want to upset you until I completely understood what was going on." I'd walked to the window, where he'd moved when he got up.
"Jakey. You're my brother," he took me into a hug, "I could never be mad at you. Now Tony, if I see him ever again, I will beat his skull in for hurting you." I started crying as my brother held me close to him. "I'm glad that I didn't know that last night."
"Why?" I asked.
"I would have cussed the mother fucker out."
"Danny, please don't be upset with him." He pulled me away and looked at me oddly. "He's a good mad who made a bad decision."
"OK..." he said. "He fucked you over, just like Adán did. I just don't want to see you hurt like that again. You deserve a man who won't hurt you."
"I love you, Danny."
"Likewise, bro. You're the coolest guy I know." I stopped crying after a moment, changed into some proper work out attire and went downstairs with Danny to run a bit. I ran for almost two hours, giving myself a bit to think about everything. I came to a decision about the situation with Tony as I ran kilometer after kilometer, but it was one that I had to keep to myself for a bit.
Later that Wednesday afternoon, I went to Mom's house. Danny had promised not to tell her or Aunt Freda what happened, but told me that I better do it. They were family, and had a right to know what was under my skin. I slowly drove through the winding streets of our neighborhood. I pulled into the driveway, and I before I could get out of the car good, Mom and Aunt Freda were practically running out of the house.
"JACOB HENRY! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? ARE YOU OK?" Mom asked as she came over and gave me a hug like only a mother could.
"I'm fine, Mom. I stayed over at Joey's last night."
"You came into town last night and you didn't call me? Tony has called a thousand times wanting to know if you were OK." She looked at me, and the look on my face. "What happened?"
"I wanted to stay incognito while I thought about some things."
"Some things?" she asked.
"Yeah."
"Like?"
"Mom. I caught him..."
"You caught him?" she asked.
"He was with one of his frat brothers."
"OK?" Mom asked, with one of those `how is that weird' looks in her eyes.
"Oh God!" Aunt Freda said. "Susan, Tony was WITH one of his frat brothers," Aunt Freda explained.
"Oh baby! I'm so sorry," Mom said, pulling me into another hug. "I thought he was different."
"Me too, Mom. Me too."
My aunt and mother pulled me into the house. They tried to make me eat something, but I didn't feel up for it. I just wanted to go up to my room and sleep for a while. They agreed to let me go for a bit, but made me promise to come eat dinner with them for dinner. Mom even promised to fix some of her famous beef stew, which was one of my favorite of all her recipes. Despite the fact that it was May, it did sound good. I went up the room and lay down on the bed. Everyone but Jane knew then. After a little bit of trying to take a nap, I got up and started putting my clothes in the drawer. I realized that I had accidentally brought one of Tony's frat t-shirts with me all the way to Canada. I held it to my face and breathed in deeply. It smelled like him. It was almost as if he were in the room with me. It brought back good memories, but memories that were overshadowed by the image of Tony, fucking Josh. I quickly balled up the shirt and put it in a lower drawer, hoping that I wouldn't find it again for a long, long time. I finished unpacking and headed into the bathroom for a long, hot shower.
Later that evening, at around 7, I joined Mom and Freda in the kitchen for a quiet, peaceful supper. It was good to hear Mom and Freda go on about things that were totally unimportant to me. Their conversation filled the room with the delightful sounds of love and familiarity. I think I even smiled as they talked about something I'd done as a baby. It was something weird about how I tried to drive a moving van, or something.
The peace was interrupted though, as the phone began to ring. It rang once, quieting the whole room, creating a silence as thick and strong as the impermeable wall separating the Chinese from the Mongol hordes. The second ring snapped us out of our haze. We all knew who it was that was calling. If Mom were to answer the phone, it would be world war three; Aunt Freda would give him a guilt trip. I, on the other hand, had to be honest with him about my feelings and tell him exactly what it was that I'd decided earlier in the day, while I was running at the gym.
"Hello?" I said after getting up and grabbing the cordless phone in the kitchen. I took it down the hall to what had been, at one time, my father's office.
"Hey," Tony said after a second of silence. "I didn't expect you to answer the phone." He sounded half concerned about me, half surprised.
"How are you?" I asked, avoiding the inevitable.
"I'm OK. I came to Charlotte."
"Cool. At Gui's?"
"Yeah. Nani's not happy with me right now, so I couldn't stay there."
"Why not?"
"She was pissed at when I told her what happened between us. She kept saying what I already knew about fucking up a very good thing."
"Oh."
"Jake. Please know that I never intended for anything like what happened to happen."
"I know, Tony."
"You do?"
"Yeah. You're a good man, Tony. The thing that upset me the most is not that you were having sex with him, but that I thought you would never do something like that to me."
"I swear that I never meant to, Jake."
"I know, Tony. It just hurt really, really bad. Ya know?"
"I can imagine."
"Tony, I love you..."
"I love you, too, but it sounds like there's a `but' coming."
"Tony," I said as I started crying, "I need some time to think about things." I could tell that I was breaking his heart; he was crying into the phone. "I'm sorry, Tony. I just need to get some things right in my head."
"Does this mean what I think it might mean?" he asked.
"I think so."
"OK," he said simply. He was crying more audibly. It was breaking my heart, because I knew I was ripping his to shreds. "Listen. I'm going to go for a bit. Is it cool if I call you tomorrow?"
"Anytime, Tony."
"Alright. Bye Jake."
"Bye."
For some reason, I moved into the floor as I clutched the phone. I balled myself and cried. God, I was crying so hard as I thought about what I'd just done. My sobbing was audible from the kitchen, since Mom came into the office within just a few minutes. She knelt down on the floor beside me, rubbing my back. "It's OK, baby. It'll be alright."
"I just broke up with him, Mom."
"Oh baby," she said as she continued to rub my back. I lifted myself up and sat down on the floor. "Are you OK?"
"I told him that I needed some time," I said honestly. "I could hear him cry, Mom. I swore I would never hurt him, but I ripped his heart into shreds."
"Sometimes the best decisions are not the most popular or the easiest, baby."
"I know, but it hurts me worse than I hurt him."
"It'll be alright, baby." She wrapped her arms around me and hugged me tightly. "It will be alright."
I decided that I needed to lay down for a few minutes. I got up off the floor and walked with Mom out of the office and up to my room. That was Wednesday evening; the next time I remember being awake was the following Friday afternoon. Tony hadn't called the entire time I was asleep, which was almost two days. (Granted, I remember waking up to take a drink of water and to pee from time to time, but I didn't have the energy to do much more.) I remember waking up and being fully awake, though I felt detached from the things around me. I didn't have a headache, but there was a mild discomfort in my head as all the things that had been said between Tony and me replayed in my mind.
"How are you feeling?" Aunt Freda asked as I wandered into the kitchen.
"I'm OK, I guess," I answered, smiling at my aunt's gaze, filled with love and support.
"Good. Danny and Joey came by a bit ago to check on you, but I told them that you were asleep."
"I hate I missed them," I said, scratching my head. "Have either of them heard from Tony?"
"They didn't say if they had," she added as she mixed something on one of the kitchen counters.
"Oh."
"You sound disappointed."
"I am a little."
"Why, if you don't mind me asking?"
"I don't. I know he didn't mean to hurt me. I know that he never would do anything to intentionally upset me. I guess part of me hopes that we can work things out."
"He's always seemed like a good man, and the two of you seemed happy. Perhaps the two of you CAN work things out."
"I doubt it. Around me, all good things seem to turn to shit, eventually."
"Jake. I used to believe that too, but then I came the realization one night that all good things may not always turn to gold, but they don't always turn to shit, either. Sometimes a good thing simply evolves into something better and more beautiful than it was before. It's kind of like how a caterpillar turns into a beautiful butterfly. It spends the first part of its life just going around eating, and then it wraps itself up into a cocoon only to come out as a beautiful butterfly." What my aunt said made perfect sense. "Can I give you a piece of unsolicited advice?"
"Yeah, sure."
"Don't think bad of me, but I found that this thing has helped me look more objectively at your uncle."
"OK."
"Go out to some place where you never go, find a hot man, and fuck his brains out." I couldn't help but laugh at what my aunt was saying. "Seriously, it had been almost 30 years since I had a real, non-self-inflicted orgasm. It really helped to get my mind off some things, and really fuck your uncle in the ass in the divorce."
"I don't know that I could do that, Freaka," I said, getting a smile from her, "but thank you. I love you."
"I love you, too, Jake."
I drank some juice quickly and walked back upstairs. I checked my email quickly, something I hadn't done all week. There was a bunch of junk in all my accounts. Most of the messages were deleted upon sight. One message that caught my attention was from Josh, the man who had single-handedly ruined my relationship with Tony. I decided that it might be best to save that message for later. I don't know; I just didn't want to revisit that moment anytime in the near future. Besides, did I really care what he had to say?
Mom got home a bit later and offered to take us out to dinner. Neither of them felt like cooking. We decided to go to a chain American-style restaurant just a bit away from the house. I dressed appropriately to go out, and we were soon off. Dinner was quiet. The two of them managed to make me smile. By the time we got home that evening, I was tired again. It was only 9 pm, and I was tired again, after only having been awake for six hours.
The next few days went by well. The following Monday, I called the school that I was to be teaching at in the fall and respectfully declined the position that I'd been offered. To be honest, I'd only accepted the offer because Tony was coming back to Canada with me. Because of his absence in my life at the moment, I didn't feel that I wanted to be in a place that might (or might not) make me think of Tony every time I walked in the door. That may seem weird to some people, but I decided that I didn't want to do it. I was independently wealthy. I didn't have to work if I didn't want to, and at that point in my life, I didn't feel like working. I wanted to travel and do other things. I wanted to go to Cuba, Italy, Morocco, Spain, and a wealth of other places that I'd longed to see for some time.
The rest of the week was odd. I was trying to adjust to being single again. There were times when I felt incredibly lonely. There were times when I felt, oddly, liberated from the confines of a relationship. At one point, I even talked myself into taking my aunt's advice, but then I would be ready to go and back out, opting to stay in my room and watch TV. Danny and Joey were especially supportive as the time continued to pass between the last conversation I had with Tony on the phone. That night, something told me that I wouldn't hear from him in a while. I didn't blame him for not wanting to talk to me, but I also didn't want to call him, because I didn't want him to think that, for some reason, I wanted to try to push the stake that I'd inserted directly into his heart even further into the depths of his existence. Could it be that I was still in love with him, despite the drama of the previous two weeks?