Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction. It contains characters who share names, descriptions, etc., with real- life people (specifically members of the groups *N SYNC and Backstreet Boys); however, this is all fantasy and in no way is to insinuate anything about those people.
Thanks to everyone who has written me notes. It means a lot to me--and I really appreciate the feedback. All comments welcome. E-mail me at storywrightr@aol.com. Thanks.
Special thanks to Eriker--as always!
All Grown Up 14--In Laws/Out Laws
J: Jackie! How nice of you to call! It's been way too long. I should have called you.
JL: Hi Justin. Yes we SHOULD talk more. How ya been?
J: I've been good, thanks. How 'bout you?
JL: Oh we're fine. We saw you singin' in Vegas.
J: Oh yeah? That was actually not bad to do. A good crew and freedom to sing what I wanted. And a live audience. I liked that.
JL: You looked like you were having fun.
J: Yeah, I think I was. I don't perform all that much anymore, so to let go once in a while is fun.
JL: Well, we enjoyed it.
J: Good. [pause]
JL: I talked to that little girl of yours.
J: Yes, she said that she had talked with you.
JL: She tells me that you and Brian are talking again after all these years. What brought that on?
J: I would have assumed that she told you that as well. Brian gave me a call. We had a good, honest conversation.
JL: That wasn't the only time was it?
J: [voice starting to sound tired] That was the first time we spoke. We've spoken and seen each other quite a few times since then.
JL: [voice slightly raised] What the hell are you thinking?
J: [laughs slightly] Well, enough niceties, huh? Let's get down to the reason you called.
JL: Well, what ARE you thinking?
J: I'm thinking it's none of your business.
JL: Well, that's a nice way to speak to me after all I've done for you.
J: [pause] Jackie I will be grateful to you till my dying day for all you have done for me personally and for all you did for Brian and me--and for the fact that you practically raised our daughter. But that doesn't mean what I do with the rest of my life is any of your business.
JL: And is it your daughter's business?
J: Only to a degree.
JL: What do you mean?
J: I mean because she loves me, it's of interest to her, but it doesn't mean she has a right to decide how I live my life.
JL: I can't believe we're right back where we were eighteen years ago--she comes second to your desires.
J: [exasperated] Jackie, that was just so unfair it's not even funny. In case you haven't noticed, she's eighteen years old--and by her choice, she's not even living with me at the moment. She's chosen to pursue her career. This is nothing like when she was a baby. And even then, I don't remember you or anyone else thinking that Brian and I should quit work to raise her. We made mistakes--usually with everyone's help or blessing. And as I said, YOU saved all three of us. And you did a good job of it. That's why she is a strong eighteen year old who makes her own decisions.
JL: That's all pretty words, but you still should think about how all this makes her feel.
J: I have. Brian has too. And we will continue to reassure her that our relationships with her are not going to change--or if they do, they will change for the better.
JL: You believe that?
J: Yes I do. Don't you think it would be nice for her to spend some time with us together? For the three of us to do things together?
JL: Depends on how you and Brian are acting.
J: What does that mean?
JL: Well, if you start arguing or whatever.
J: I don't think that's going to happen. But even if it did, it might be good for her to see that if the relationship is good--if the people are mature--you can survive a little disagreement.
JL: Like you did last time?
J: Jackie, I'm not 18 anymore--or even 28; and Brian is certainly not the person he was all those years ago. I'm very proud of the changes he's made in his life.
JL: Well, it's about time he did some changin'.
J: I wasn't going to say anything about this, but I really don't appreciate you talking badly about Brian in front of his daughter. How dare you! She has never heard a negative word about him from me. But from his own mother!
JL: Don't you talk to me like that! I don't talk bad about him.
J: You don't criticize him? Belittle him? Talk about how he disappointed you? Disappoints you still?
JL: I may mention some of his faults, but it's just to make sure she knows not to do like him!
J: That's real likely that she would--she's seen the consequences of his errors as much as anyone. She knows what it cost him--the drinking especially. But I hate that she's ended up thinking he's a weakling.
JL: Well isn't he? If not, what's his excuse?
J: Alcoholism is not a weakness--it's a disease. So is depression. And being immature is not a crime--it's actually quite appropriate when you are young.
JL: Go on. Defend him. He could have been so much. He had the talent. He should still be on top. When I think of the things we had to read on the Web about him! Disgraceful.
J: I'm sorry. I thought we were talking about Brian. I didn't realize we were talking about how it affected you.
JL: Don't start that with me, mister! He threw away a good career. Didn't develop half his potential.
J: Well if you bothered to find out what he's doing these days, you'd know that he's fulfilling a lot of that potential now with his songwriting.
JL: Well, I'm glad he can pick up some of the pieces and do something with his life, but it still doesn't make up for what he lost.
J: [long pause] You know what? It's funny actually. You called to try and dissuade me from being involved with Brian. And you know what? You're having the opposite effect.
JL: Why? Because you feel sorry for him?
J: No--just the opposite. Listening to you makes me all the prouder of him--all the more amazed at what a remarkable man he is--to have achieved all he has--especially over the past ten years. All the other stuff--the Backstreet Boys-- whatever--that was the EASY part! With his talent, that was nothing for him. But it's what he's had to do--pretty much ALONE--during the years since that is really impressive. Recovering from the alcohol. Getting through the accident and the recuperation and the rehabilitation. Losing his family and his friends. A lesser man would have given up. Certainly wouldn't have risen this far! He's pretty amazing in my book.
JL: God help us--you're as bad as you ever were.
J: [laughing] You know what? You may just be right about that! And it makes me very happy! Happy and excited! You really have helped me to clarify things in my mind! Thank you!
JL: You are hopeless. I just hope you remember that daughter of yours once in a while.
J: I'll let you get away with that this one last time. But I don't advise you continue to try. As I said, I'll always be grateful to you, but that does NOT give you license to continue to badmouth Brian or me.
JL: I think we've talked enough.
J: I think you're right.
JL: I'll be praying for you all.
J: Thank you. And I for you.
All Grown Up 15--Mommie Dearest
JL: Brian? Is that you?
B: Yes, Mama, it's me.
JL: What's wrong? You need something?
B: No, Mama. Just wanted to talk to you.
JL: Well how are you? You working?
B: Yeah, Mama. I've been doin' a lot of songs. Also workin' on my musical.
JL: You sold anything?
B: Not really what it's about, but I did meet with some singers this week who will probably do some of my stuff. Also been looking at possibilities for developing the musical. I may work with Justin on that.
JL: Oh.
B: I understand you talked to Justin.
JL: Yes.
B: Maybe I should thank you. I went by his house right after he hung up from talking to you. Your conversation put him in quite a mood. It was really nice. The change was pretty strong--I had to ask what it came from. He didn't really want to talk about it. But I kind of got most of it out of him.
JL: I bet he couldn't wait to tell you all about it.
B: No, I just said--he didn't want to talk about it.
JL: Here we go again, you two get together and it breaks everyone else apart.
B: Oh, you're afraid that if I see Justin that it will break you and him apart?
JL: I mean me and you.
B: Oh. Now that's a surprise. I didn't know there was a you and me to break apart.
JL: What's that supposed to mean? What did he tell you?
B: We don't need to talk about anything Justin said--or even anything you said to Justin. You and me are way past due for a talk on our own. No one else needs be involved.
JL: What's this all about?
B: About how disappointed you are in me. Probably always have been. I've tried to deal with it in AA and in therapy, but I think I need to deal with it with you.
JL: What do you mean "deal with it"?
B: I tried so hard as a little boy to be good enough for you to love me. To be the perfect son. Somehow, I thought that's what I had to be for you to love me. If I was good enough, you'd love me.
JL: That's nonsense.
B: That's how it felt.
JL: I don't know where you got that.
B: With Backstreet Boys, it let me be away. It was like the best of both worlds. I got to be away from you and play like a little boy--play all those games with Nick. He was so much younger than me, but we became best friends. I finally got to be a kid! But because I was doing everything I had to do for the group, I was still Mama's perfect little Brian. It was wonderful. Away from you, I could be everything you wanted and everything I wanted. I had so much fun those first years.
JL: You got pretty carried away some of the time--not acting your age.
B: That was the whole point.
JL: Well, you were old enough to know better.
B: Yeah, I knew better. But thank God I got to play some. Those were such good times.
JL: Well, you shouldn't have let them change.
B: You mean I shouldn't have become gay. I shouldn't have loved Justin.
JL: Well.
B: You've never accepted that, have you? Never accepted me being gay.
JL: How can you say that after all these years? After all I did for you and your daughter.
B: You did what you had to do. You did a lot. You're really responsible for how well she turned out--that she had what she needed when she was little. But that's not the point. You never have really accepted that I'm gay.
JL: [loud and emotional] Well how would you like it? How would you like to know that your daughter is a lesbian?
B: I would hope that I'd be more interested in whether she was happy. And whether she knew that I loved her. And that who she loved wouldn't affect how much I love her.
JL: That's easier said than done.
B: [disbelief in his voice] Even after all these years. That's amazing. Even more amazing is how much it still hurts. I thought I had dealt with all this--but the wounds are just as painful as they ever were--maybe more painful.
JL: What about my "wounds"? What about the plans I had for you? What about the hopes? Where are my beautiful grandchildren?
B: Besides Harold's kids, you have a very beautiful granddaughter thanks to Justin and me.
JL: She's not really yours. I wanted beautiful babies that looked just like you.
B: [pause; then voice cracking] You are unbelievable. I knew that you were disappointed in me. But for you to talk about her that way. She loves you so much. And this is how you return that love? Wishing she wasn't in your life but some pretty little blue-eyed babies were instead--babies that were your flesh and blood?
JL: Don't give me that! I've been good to her.
B: Yeah, like you've been "good" to me! Thanks a lot.
JL: Don't you talk to me like that Brian Littrell! I'm still your mother!
B: Yes, Mama, I know that. I know that.
JL: Well, you might try acting like it.
B: [stronger] No, Mama, YOU might try acting like it.
JL: I don't believe you. I try to do everything for you--
B: [louder] WHAT? OH, you mean like calling JUSTIN to ask why he was even TALKING to me again? I have a new chance at happiness finally--with Justin--with our daughter--and you call him to ask why he'd be involved with me again? Thank you so much. Would you like to explain how THAT was for me?
JL: You two being together always caused more problems than it helped. It always affected everyone around you.
B: Well maybe that was THEIR problem--and YOUR problem-- and not OUR problem. It was also a very different time when we were all tied together because of work. And all squeezed together too much of the time. None of that's true now. And anyway, I'm ready for some happiness--the rest of you can find your own. And if you think this somehow affects you, that's YOUR problem!
JL: Sure, just like Justin--all you two can think about is yourselves. No concern for anyone else.
B: I don't know where you've been for the past ten years, Mama, but we've not exactly been selfishly thinking of just ourselves. [pause; then quietly] I'm sorry I've always been a disappointment to you Mama. But I can't live my life trying to be what would please you anymore. I have to live my life honestly. I'm sorry that's not what you want. Sorry that's not good enough for you. But if I'm going to survive, I have to let go. I have to live honestly and find my own happiness--not try so hard to make you happy--just to continue to fail year after year. I can't make you happy, and trying has done nothing but almost destroy me. I'm done with it.
JL: You're talking nonsense.
B: [short, quiet laugh] I'm sure you think that, Mama.
JL: I don't know what you want from me.
B: Now? Nothing. I expect nothing. I want nothing. And I will try very hard not to bother you for anything.
JL: You sound all mixed up to me.
B: Don't worry about it, Mama. Just don't think about it.
JL: Well, I need to go get some dinner for your father. We love you.
B: [small laugh] That's so easy for you to say . . . but so hard for you to do.
JL: What ARE you talking about?
B: Nothing. Nothing at all. Bye, Mama.
JL: Good bye. Call next week and tell us what you are doing.
B: Sure, Mama, sure.