Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction. It contains characters who share names, descriptions, etc., with real-life people (specifically members of the groups *N SYNC and Backstreet Boys); however, this is all fantasy and in no way is to insinuate anything about those people.
More thanks to Rick (writer of "The One"--read it!), who had the idea of putting these characters together. And to Eriker for her continued encouragement and inspiration. (Check out "Doin-It" by Eriker.) And to all the others who were so kind to write to me; I really appreciate it.
Your comments are welcome too--positive or negative! E-mail me at storywrightr@aol.com. Thanks.
All Grown Up 3--And More Growing to Do
B: Hey Doodlebug! How are ya?
A: Hi Papa! [laughing]
B: This is a nice surprise! We just spoke Saturday. I didn't think I'd get to talk to you again 'til the end of the week.
A: Well I just felt like talking to my Papa--that okay?
B: Any time little girl! Any time at all. . . . You sure you're okay?
A: Yeah, I'm fine. Just missing you I guess.
B: Well, I'm never more than a phone call away. You want me to come to New York? I could be there tonight.
A: No Papa, I'm okay; you don't need to come here. Just talk to me a while.
B: I'm yours as long as you want me!
A: My sweet Papa.
B: My sweet little girl! [both laugh softly]
A: So what did you do today?
B: Well, I went for a walk on the beach this morning, then came back and did some work.
A: On your songs?
B: On the musical.
A: When are you going to let me hear that?
B: Whenever you want.
A: There a role in it for me?
B: Hey! Is that the only reason you care about it?
A: No Papa. I care about it because it's yours--and I bet it's good too. Just like all your music is so good.
B: I hope so, Sweetcakes. I do feel good about it. I THINK it's good.
A: I bet it is! Will you play some for me when I'm home?
B: Absolutely! When will you be home?
A: I'm not scheduled home for two more months. The shoot is supposed to be ten weeks all together. And that's if we stay on schedule, which apparently doesn't always happen.
B: Yeah, I know something about production schedules. I know how many things can affect schedules in music; movies must be even more complicated.
A: Yeah.
B: So are you enjoying it? Are you glad you're there?
A: Yeah--I really do like it. I am glad I'm here. . . . I know you wanted me to stay in school . . .
B: What? I never said that!
A: No, not directly. But you kept asking me if I was sure. That sort of told me that YOU weren't sure about it.
B: I just want you to be happy. I was afraid you were wanting to rush things too much. I was afraid you were going to miss out on things.
A: I know. I enjoyed school okay, but I really love this. And I already did everything in school; I mean, I did the school stuff--dances, clubs, ball games.
B: Yeah, I know.
A: Are you sorry you didn't get to stay in school That you didn't go to college?
B: Oh, Doodlebug, that was so long ago. That's like ancient history!
A: I know, but I was just wondering how you felt about it. You know, how you felt when you were my age.
B: Gee. Can I even remember that long ago? [laughing]
A: [joining in the laughter] I know it's a long, long, long time ago!
B: Hey, not THAT long ago!
A: You ever think of those days?
B: Hmmm . . . yeah . . . sometimes.
A: You don't like to?
B: No . . . it's not that. I guess I'm just trying to live in the present a little more these days. I thought about those days for a long time.
A: I'm sorry Papa . . . I didn't mean to make you sad.
B: No, you didn't make me sad!
A: And if I had, you wouldn't tell me so.
B: What? Of course I would.
A: [laughing] No you wouldn't!
B: [joining the laughter] No, I guess I wouldn't, would I?
A: You always try to protect me. Protect your little girl. I love you for that Papa.
B: But you aren't a little girl any more, is that what you're telling me?
A: I like being your little girl Papa. It makes me feel safe and loved.
B: Hmmm . . . I'm glad. I was afraid maybe I couldn't make you feel safe.
A: What? Why?
B: You know, honey, in AA one of the things we do is try to make amends to people we hurt when we were drinking. To say we're sorry for how our drinking affected them. I've tried to make amends with you--but I've never really said the words to you. I guess I always thought that you were too young. I was afraid that my talking about it might do more harm than good. I was probably just afraid to face that I might have really hurt my little girl . . . [voice breaking]
A: Oh Papa . . .
B: I'm sorry . . . [regaining control] I'm sorry. It just really makes me sad to think what I made you go through.
A: Papa . . . You didn't make me go through anything.
B: It couldn't have been a good situation for you. I mean, I was so out of it for those years. And before that, always off working.
A: And you always made sure I was well taken care of. I loved being with Grandma. And I loved the time I spent with you.
B: Really?
A: Yes really! And I still do. I love you Papa.
B: I love you Doodlebug.
A: Hmmm . . . I love it when you call me that! My papa the Southern boy!
B: Hey, watch it! Don't make fun of the South! [laughing]
A: I better not! I spent enough time there myself.
B: Yeah, and sometimes I even hear you talk right!
A: I do NOT have a Southern accent!
B: [laughing] Of course you don't! And neither do I!
A: Ha, ha!
B: [pause] But Sweetcakes? I am sorry. I'm sorry that your life wasn't more normal. That you didn't have a regular home.
A: Papa, stop it! I've loved my life!
B: Well, you certainly turned out good--so something must have gone right!
A: Why thank you, Papa!
B: Hey, that sounded like an impersonation! Did you include the silly grin?
A: Of course! Anyway, who would be able to do a better imitation of you than your own daughter?
B: My own future Oscar-winning daughter, that is!
A: Ha! I hope so!
B: I'll bet on it!
A: Thanks Papa. [pause] Papa?
B: Yeah little girl?
A: I talked to Dad this week.
B: That's good, baby. Was everything okay?
A: Yeah, I think so. . . . Um, he told me that you called him.
B: [pause] Oh? . . . Yeah, I did.
A: Been a long time, huh?
B: Yeah. A very long time. . . . Was he sorry I called?
A: No! No, he seemed glad that you had called.
B: [happily] Oh good.
A: [hesitantly] I was really surprised.
B: Yeah, I think your dad was too. [still happy]
A: Had you been thinking about it for a while?
B: I don't know . . . I guess some. It was still a little bit of a surprise to me too! It seemed like something I was ready to do--and something I needed to do.
A: More AA stuff?
B: Kind of, I guess. It felt like there was just some unfinished business there.
A: Did your therapist suggest it?
B: [pause] What?
A: You didn't tell me you were going to a therapist.
B: Who did?
A: Dad mentioned it.
B: Oh. . . . What else did he tell you?
A: Don't get frightened and defensive.
B: Oh, excuse me! [acting indignant] . . . I'm just curious. I mean, do you and your dad talk about me often?
A: Papa, Dad and I were talking about his maybe coming to New York, but he said that he had to do something with the band and that he was going to an AA meeting. And I asked why he was going to an AA meeting, and eventually he told me.
B: [hopefully] He said he was going?
A: What? Oh, to the meeting? Yeah.
B: Oh, good.
A: [pause] Sounds like that makes you happy.
B: [pause] It does.
A: You've never asked me to go to one of your anniversaries.
B: Well, I guess I thought you were too young. Or that it really wasn't something that you should have to see.
A: Protecting me again Papa?
B: I guess. We've never talked much about the program.
A: Nor about your therapy.
B: Nor about my therapy. You seem bothered by it. Or is it just that you didn't know?
A: I don't know. It was just a surprise.
B: You don't think I should be going?
A: No, it's not that; it's just that I've always known about Dad's therapist, and I was surprised not to know that you were going.
B: Oh. I guess we just don't talk about those things too much. I wasn't trying to keep secrets.
A: Protecting me! I'm glad you're going--if it's helpful. You're sad way too much of the time. I hope it makes you feel better.
B: Sad? You think I'm sad? I thought we had good times together!
A: We do! I'm always happy when I'm with you!
B: And I'm happy when I'm with you! What's the sad stuff then?
A: [pause] There's always a sadness in your eyes . . . even when you are smiling . . . or even laughing. Probably most people couldn't see it, but I can.
B: Or you imagine it! My little girl does have a flair for the dramatic.
A: No . . . I mean yes . . . but that's not it. I know, I'm sensitive to how you feel . . . and how Daddy feels.
B: You aren't happy that I called him, are you?
A: What? . . . What do you mean?
B: It just struck me. You think it's a bad idea for us to talk. Don't you?
A: No. . . . That's not true.
B: Convince me!
A: I'm sorry Papa. It's just that it came as a surprise to me too. I'm not sure how I feel about it. . . . But I guess it does scare me a little.
B: Why? Why would it scare you if your dad and I started talking. Wouldn't you like for all of us to be able to get together some times? Like for holidays and stuff?
A: Papa . . . I remember when I was little and we all got together for holidays. It wasn't always very nice.
B: [pause] Oh. . . . I guess not, huh? But it wouldn't have to be that way. I mean, it could be nice. We could all be friends. . . . I'm not drinking anymore.
A: I know. And Papa? I'm really proud of you for that, you know?
B: Thanks Sweetcakes.
A: But, it wasn't just when you were drinking that you guys had problems, you know?
B: [pause] I know. And your dad and I talked about that. Listen Doodlebug, I don't know what might happen. I'm not sure if your dad is coming to my meeting. If he does, I don't know what that means or if we'll talk or whatever.
A: What do you WANT to happen Pop?
B: [pause] I don't really know. I really don't. . . . I guess if I've been sad, the biggest reason for that is that I don't have my family anymore. I miss my family. I miss feeling like I belong to someone and that someone belongs to me.
A: So you should start dating someone.
B: Huh? Dating? I don't think so.
A: But don't you want to meet someone and move on? Have a new relationship with some nice guy?
B: I had my nice guy.
A: Papa, that hasn't been for ten years. Don't you think it's time to move on?
B: [softly] Or move back.
A: Back? Back to Dad?
B: I didn't mean to say that out loud. . . . I've met some men. I hate meeting men. I hate "dating." I didn't go looking for a man and find your dad--I found your dad and then realized that I could love a man. You know what I mean?
A: I guess . . . Do you not think you're gay?
B: [short laugh] Well . . . I think I've probably proven that I am.
A: You know what I mean Pop! Are you attracted to men? Are you attracted to women?
B: You know Doodlebug, I'm glad we're on the phone here--this would be way too embarrassing face to face!
A: [laughs] Oh Papa, I like talking to you like this. I mean, we haven't talked this honestly before. Honesty is supposed to be part of AA isn't it?
B: Don't throw program at me to get me to talk! [small laugh] It's just new for us. But it's kind of nice, I guess--just have to get used to it. And get used to my little girl asking me questions like these.
A: So, the questions . . .
B: Yeah, yeah, I remember them. I guess I identify myself as gay. But I've never really been part of any kind of gay life--I mean I don't go to gay clubs. I don't even really have gay friends. I never had a gay life before meeting your dad--I mean, it's not like we met in a bar or something. We met and then we fell in love--and that was it. I mean there were temptations sometimes--I don't want to talk about those; but since we've not been together, especially since I stopped drinking, I've been concentrating on other things--not drinking, AA, therapy, writing music, YOU. I've not really thought about going after someone new. I mean, I haven't exactly been a monk--and I'm really not going to talk to you about THAT! But I've not been involved with anyone. I guess I've just gotten to the point that I think I might want to be involved with someone again.
A: And you want it to be Daddy.
B: No. I mean, don't jump ahead. It's sort of the same thing and sort of not. I mean, I can't start thinking about this part of my life without thinking of your dad and what happened between us. And I guess I want to at least see about us being friends--or friendly--or at least speaking to each other. I guess I feel like I have to look at that before I go on.
A: That makes sense, I guess. So you aren't wanting to be with Daddy again--like as a couple?
B: [pause] Do you want the truth?
A: Sure why not? [small laugh]
B: Sure, why not . . . Um, I'm really not sure. Like I said, Justin is the only man I've ever really felt love for. And I think I still do love him. I don't think my love disappeared just because our relationship disappeared--just because it all became so impossible. I know that he moved on--Jason and all; but there's no one now. . . . Fantasy? My real fantasy? Just getting to know him again. Just letting him get to know me again--or the me that I am now. And I know that I'd have to get to know the Justin that he is now. It's been a long time. But just to get to spend some time with him. It's almost like getting together with a long- lost brother and seeing who he became. And from what I know, he's become a pretty special person. I'd like to know him. Maybe just to hang out with sometimes. Maybe just to have Thanksgiving with--with you. I don't know. I really don't have the answers.
A: Those sound like some pretty good answers.
B: You think so? Really?
A: Yeah, I do.
B: Thanks Doodlebug. [pause] Do you know how your dad feels about it all?
A: Oh no you don't! I'm not getting into the middle of this! [laughs] And I'm not passing any notes to him in class!
B: Very funny, little girl! I didn't mean to put you in the middle of anything.
A: I think he likes the idea of you guys talking again. And I don't think he's decided what it means yet either. So I guess if you can both just be open minded about it all, it will be okay. . . . You know, I just don't want either of you hurt.
B: Oh honey! Neither do I. And especially not you! I'm not planning to do or say anything that will be hurtful. I mean, I guess you can't always know what will or won't be hurtful, but I'm going to try. I don't want to hurt Justin. And I don't want to be hurt either. I'm sure we'll both be careful.
A: Papa, I love you, you know?
B: And I love you Doodlebug. Don't worry about your old fathers-- okay? We're big boys; we can take care of ourselves!
A: Funny, that's what Dad said to me too.
B: See? Now do you believe us? You know we wouldn't lie to you!
A: I believe you. And I love you both.
B: And we both love you. So you take care of yourself! Are you eating right? And sleeping enough?
A: YES Papa! You and Dad--sheesh! [laughing]
B: And do you feel better about your dad and me talking now?
A: Yeah. Thanks for talking to me about it.
B: I like talking to my not-so-little girl!
A: Me too. . . . Bye Papa.
B: Bye baby doll.