All That Surrounds Me

I originally had a different ending for this story. I decided to change it for two reasons.

1. Because it was so ungodly predictable.

2. Because it was so damned depressing.

If you would like to read the original text, you can email me.

Thanks, Jackie

Disclaimer - If you shouldn't be reading this, don't.

All That Surrounds Me - Part 5: Self- Destruct

Eat, Sleep and Breathe -

Looks good, I think to myself. I flatten out the front of the suit, gazing at my appearance. The gray skirt really brings out a nice tone to my legs. The low cut, button up style on the blazer looks classy yet sexy. I like it.

"Don't be nervous," I say to myself. I know I have had this job for months, but I am still jittery when I go in. I have worked very hard to get my life together and move on, but I still find myself terrified of falling back in the hole.

For the past few months I have been working for Marcus as a secretary. I decided to go back to school and finish out my bachelors. I have nine more months to go before completion.

Moving on was hard at first. For years, I only inhaled and exhaled Sarah. My life consisted of being with her.

It took me months to realize that I am my own person, and I could only make decisions for myself. I could not keep breaking down and crying while drowning in despair. There was no way I could continue torturing myself in such an unhealthy manner.

Truth be told, I still have not moved on completely. I still love her. God knows I do. Although, I can not force somebody to be with me. I can't tell Sarah to rip my clothes off and take me. I can't tell her to wrap her arms around my waist and whisper in my ear.

I can't make Sarah love me.

I Refuse -

"What are the odds of him still being in the business?" asks Sarah. Marcus looks over to her and shrugs. "Ninety, maybe...I really don't know. My guess would be very high. I'm sure they have connections. He probably already has a deal going on."

"He wont hurt Angela though, right?" Marcus crinkles his face in an unusual manner "You guys haven't been together for almost a year. Unless he was doing his homework in jail, I doubt it."

"God, what are the odds of that?" Marcus laughs and throws his hands in the air. "For all I know, he could have gotten feedback through letters in prison. God, why do you ask me like I know? I'm not a fucking mind reader."

"Sorry, I'm just worried."

Marcus pats Sarah on the leg and lifts himself off the couch.

"I think you're gonna be alright."

"I can't fucking do this anymore Marcus. If the bastard is going to kill me, I wish he would do it already. I hate living like this. Every day I sit here in fear of what is going to happen next. In reality, they have already won. They've already taken my life."

"Don't even do that," he says.

Sarah looks over at him, confused. "What in the hell are you talking about? Don't do what?"

"Don't go into that self destruct mode. That is EXACTLY what they want. They want to take everything from you. Your money, your life, your love, and even your pride right along with it." Marcus opens the fridge and grabs two beers. He throws one to Sarah. She throws it out the window behind her.

Marcus laughs as he hears the bottle shatter on the cement.

"I know it sounds crazy," he says. "But listen to me. Do not give up. What you just did was a perfect example."

"Marcus," she says to him. "I am not going to run for the rest of my life. Even if Peter Boncelli doesn't kill me, why wouldn't there be twenty more in for back up? This is completely different than being an alcoholic. Even with that I had a game plan. I could go one step at a time."

She waits a moment, and then continues.

"I have no idea who Peter Boncelli is, or who he is a part of. This guy could have more connections than the fucking godfather. And why wouldn't he? He was working for Joseph Berenna. That alone says more than enough."

Marcus is staring at her, speechless. Every last word of it is true, and he knows it.

He watches the tear run down Sarah's cheek. She is trembling with fear. Marcus is feeling nothing short of sorrow for her. She is only twenty-six years old.

"I have so much to live for," she says to him.. "I used to think about all the tragedy in the world, and how people are so unhappy. They'd spend years searching for this one point of happiness, this high for life. And here I was, a simple twenty year old girl, at that high. Believe you me, I wasn't coming down. And it was never about the money. All the money if the world would have never made the slightest difference."

Marcus is nodding his head at her, listening intently.

"It was about a woman. A woman who took one look at me, and my heart started beating faster and faster. A woman who could look me in the eyes, and make me feel like I was the only person on this earth. Like we were made to fit together."

Sarah is getting very emotional now. Her tears and dripping off her chin, her nose is inflamed. The redness in her cheeks is becoming more obvious as her eyes continually look dilated.

"The day I knew about Boncelli, I swore that I would never let him touch her. I don't care what it takes. My life is no longer important to me."

Marcus stares at her, stunned by her emotion.

"You know what? You remind me of your father."

She smiles at this.

"That man loved you so much."

Sarah chuckles.

"Wanna hear a story?" Marcus is giving her a warm grin. She nods as the tears drip down her cheeks.

"I remember the day you came out and told him you were gay. He came to my house and asked me, Marcus, how do I be a dad of a lesbian? Is there anything I am like, supposed to do?' I laughed and told him, yeah, do what you're doing now.'"

Sarah is laughing. Marcus sees her calming down.

"He would have done anything for you, and when he found out he was dying, he made sure I would take care of you. I gave him my word."

"Marcus..."

"No," Marcus interrupts. "I want you to know that I will stand by you the whole way. You're not alone. Don't be so scared. We're going to fight this."

Don't Sleep -

Her hands are on me, caressing every inch of my vulnerable body. God, I've spent so log without this. The most gentle act created by all of mankind; the act of love.

I'm stirring in excitement. The delicate caress is more than enough to make my body tremble.

Sarah's beautiful blue eyes are burning into me. She has that pure look of passion. Every time I find that look on her face, I get about ten times more turned on. Just because I know she is enjoying it just as much as I am.

She is laying on top of me, her mouth on my left breast. Her tongue is probing at my nipple, creating warm tension throughout my loins. I can only sigh, wanting so much more.

I can feel Sarah's naked flesh rubbing erotically against me. The delight is wonderfully tingling down my spine. My sex is burning, begging for fulfillment. I am trying to calm myself down, but I am becoming wild and frantic. My whimpers and pleas for her to take me are turning into demands.

Sarah smiles down at me and kisses my mouth slowly. She is leaving a trail of kisses up my neck. I moan in protest, my pussy still throbbing. Now I have just surrendered myself. She is prolonging my orgasm, teasing me with time. It's no use to order and beg. She will only make me wait longer.

"Oh god Sarah," I moan loudly. I begin to whisper in her ear how much I love her. I sigh when I feel a hand traveling between my thighs. I am so very wet with anticipation. I can feel the heat. My heart is pounding. I close my eyes, never wanting to feel something so badly in my entire life. I can only tremble as the rage in me boils.

"I need you," I cry. My pussy is screaming for contact as she tantalizes my thigh. She is making me wait again.

My nails are digging into her back, begging for her touch. Please god, let her touch me.

I feel her lips on mine now. My eyes are still closed, but my body is responding with a vengeance. My arching back and violent heel digging into the mattress is enough indication that I want her.

Her hand is continuing to slide upwards. It's so close, yet so far away. I'm sweating in anticipation. I can't stand it much longer. The deprivation is killing me.

Then, suddenly, I find myself lost. Sarah is gone. The bed is gone. My eyes have finally opened and I am staring at a gray t.v screen. Half my body is off the couch, and my clothes are disheveled. The starvation that my sex was feeling is gone.

It was only a dream.

It figures. The only sex I've had in months turns out to be with myself.

The Haunting -

"I don't get it Rob. I really don't. I haven't had these dreams in months. Now all the sudden I fall asleep one night, and they've returned. I feel like I have the I.R.S. on my ass."

Rob chuckles at this, and continues to listen.

"This sucks. I feel like everything I have tried to achieve in the past twelve months has been a waste of my time. I thought I was finally over this, and maybe I could hop back into the dating scene. Apparently not."

Rob is staring at me, speechless. He doesn't know what to say anymore. I've already sucked all the wisdom out of him.

He pours me another cup of coffee. "It's on the house, kid."

I watch Rob put the pot of coffee back on the rack. He turns around and begins to speak.

"Do you really want to know what I think?" He asks. Before I can even utter a word he is talking again.

"I think you need to date men."

I laugh at Rob and take deep breath. The air feels good in my lungs. My heart is no longer racing. Life is at ease for the slightest moment.

"Women," Rob complains. "I will never even begin to understand...."

I laugh once again.

"It's hard enough trying to comprehend one of you and you're asking me to comprehend two. Are you fucking crazy?"

College Life -

"It seems that all of you have managed to make Hawthorne look like a schmuck. These are the worst papers I have read all semester."

I watch as Miss Payton chucks our papers at us. She throws the first one at a quiet girl who sits up front. "Garbage," she says just before the thick essay falls on her desk.

"Garbage," she says to three people, abruptly throwing the papers around.

"Pathetic garbage," she yells as I watch the essays project through the air. One after one, the papers are pitched at people. Two blonde girls who sit up front are staring at her with wide eyes. The papers before them have giant X's going through the front.

The girl in front of me is looking at her like she is a nutcase.

"Decent," she says handing the paper to her.

"And finally, strangely, yet unsurprisingly well written," she says to me. I look down at my paper and see a 94% written at the top.

"Only two people in the whole class could follow the correct format and instruction written on your rubric. Those of you who wrote a shitty paper will indeed redo it and give it to me on Monday. If I receive the same rubbish again, you will not pass the third semester. Have a nice day," she says with a warm smile, waving her hand at the door.

One word: wow.

The class is walking out, and I hear the two girls in front. They are talking loudly, their voices submerging everybody else.

"Maybe if I fuck the professor too, I'll pass third semester." They are giggling like school girls in a hallway. They really are pathetic.

"Fucking dykes," they yell, walking away. As I stand there I can only shake my head in disgust. Grow up people. We're in college. It's time to start accepting the real world, not slandering it.

"Don't let them bother you," I hear a voice say. I turn around and find a very attractive woman smiling at me. That is when I realize it's the girl who sits in front of me. The one with a "decent" paper.

"They think they're twelve still. Growing up is far too difficult to perceive. I mean, after a while, all that weed starts going to your head."

I'm laughing at her. She is very cute. She is obviously more than intelligent. Plus she has a great smile.

"I'm Becca," she says holding out her hand. "Or Rebecca," she corrects while laughing. "I guess whatever floats your boat."

"Hey. I'm Ange, if you don't know, because apparently everybody else does.. And here I thought I just minded my own business..."

I shake the hand before me as she laughed, feeling her soft skin. She has a great face, great legs and soft skin. What more could you ask for?

Wait, she is funny too.

"Would you like to get a cup of coffee? I know a great place." I am asking with a smile.

She is giving me the biggest grin ever. Happiness is finally coming back to me. Adios haunting nightmares.

When You Least Expect It -

Sarah can hear the giggling loud and clear. Marcus and his wife both have the same night off, so they decided to spend it in the bedroom. They are obviously not being discreet about it.

She is laying on the couch, eyeballing the pack of cigarettes on the piano. She is dying to get that flavor between her lips. Sarah quickly runs across the room and grabs the box. She flicks a match and lights a cigarette, inhaling gratefully.

As soon as the smoke fills her lungs, she begins to cough. It tastes like shit and she throws the cigarette into a nearby glass of pop.

It figures.

Thanks Angela.

Suddenly, Marcus's door flies open. He is in a robe and running straight for the kitchen. Sarah watches as he grabs a plastic container full of strawberries.

Ha.

He gives Sarah a quick thumbs up and strolls back into the bedroom. Before she can even think, she hears the screeching giggles all over again. "Oops. I forgot the whip cream," says Marcus.

Sarah smothers herself with the pillow, not wanting to hear anymore.

"I need to get the hell out of here," she mumbles.

"Hey, Sarah. What's shakin' bacon?" Rob is waving his hand at her, beaming his smile. She forces a grin back.

"Not too much."

"How's my favorite cook? When you gonna come back and work for me?" Sarah laughs and gives a shrug. " As soon as you start paying me twenty two an hour."

"Ha. I don't even make that much," Rob chuckles.

"Hey Rob, can you do me a favor?" She asks.

"Um... sure," he says.

"When the time is right, I need you to give this to Angela." Sarah hands him a folded up piece of paper. Rob gives her a curious look, wondering what she means.

"What are you talking about? When is the right time?" Sarah looks at him again and says "you will know. Trust me."

Sarah looks back into his eyes. "Thank you," she says softly. Rob can only to walk back into the kitchen, speechless and confused.

Sarah just sits in her booth, holding a cup of coffee. It's been a while since she has been in shop.

For a long time, Sarah couldn't handle the atmosphere. Just simply walking by would make her eyes burn. It was like a knife thrusting in her back as she glanced at the little place. She could still smell the back room where they used to make love. She could still see Angela in her cute little uniform holding a pen and paper.

With time it was getting somewhat easier, but she still sensed the tension lingering through the air. It was like a thick mist of sorrow. No matter how much you try to wash it away, it stays with you.

Okay, she admits to herself. I want her back. But, that will never happen. I have already made the decision and it's been almost thirteen months. Why bother anymore?

I'm going to die soon anyways.

This was what Marcus was talking about, she thinks. The whole self - destruct mode he so persistently dwells on. He had preached and preached to not get sucked in. "Don't let them win," he said.

Sarah looks down at her cup.

"They won't win," she whispers.

"You used to work here? God, every place I used to work at I stay far away from. Most of my managers hate me. They'd probably poison my food," Rebecca says. She is too funny.

"No. Rob is kind of like a dad or something. It's weird," I reply while opening the door. Rob looks over and sees us standing at the "wait to be seated" sign. He looks more than shocked to see me.

"Um...hi," he says. "Do you guys need something?" He is acting very strange, not like himself. There is no provocative commenting on my outfit, no sarcastic jokes, no asking me if I want my job back. Just an odd feeling of an uncomfortable situation.

"Well, we were hoping to be seated...is everything okay?" I ask. He is being so bizarre. I honestly don't know what to do.

"Excuse us," Rob says while pulling me outside. He has a hold of my arm as he rushes me out the door. Rebecca just stands there, not really having the slightest clue of what is going on.

"What in the hell? Why is my girlfriend standing in there, and I am out here with you?" Rob has his hands out in front of him, asking me to calm down.

"You didn't say what I think you did," says Rob.

"What?"

"Please tell me that is not your girlfriend. Please tell me she is just a friend." I look at him, not feeling the slightest bit of guilt.

"Yes Rob, she is my girlfriend. What do you want me to do? Spend months and months without somebody? It's not healthy Rob. I need to get laid too."

"That must be the most cynical thing I have ever heard."

"She broke up with me, dammit." I am looking him directly in the eyes, having absolutely no regrets.

"The problem is not with the girl. It's with you. You're dating somebody when you're not ready. I pray to god that it isn't serious, otherwise that girl is gonna get hurt.."

God, here Rob is telling me I'm not ready. How the hell would he know?

"You know what Rob, it's none of your business. I like this woman. She is nice, and things are going good. Hopefully even better after tonight. Sarah and I are over, and so is this conversation. >From now on, leave my love life to me."

I begin to walk away, and swing open the door.

"Angela! Wait!" I hear Rob yell, but go back in anyways. He tries to grab my arm, but I just walk right next to Rebecca, grasping her hand..

The next moment, I look up and see that Sarah is walking to the cash register.

"Hey Rob, I'm all-." Before she could finish her sentence, Sarah glances up and sees Rebecca and I holding hands. Her eyes become large as she stares at us.

"Fuck me," says Rob.

Desperate Measures -

What am I supposed to do? She has found somebody else. I can't ask her to come back to me now. What if Angela is in love? Does that mean I'm history, and she has moved on?

How am I going to cope with that? I can barely deal with being apart, yet her having another girlfriend.

I really have lost everything.

Her money drops to the floor. She is shaking, well aware of Angela's presence. Her and her new girlfriend. Their eyes were burning into her.

"Keep the change," says Sarah. Twenty dollars is thrown on the counter and the girl begins to bolt out of the door.

Sarah hears the front door open and Rob's voice. "Sarah!" He screams. She looks back and he is standing on the sidewalk, his arms at his sides. "I'm sorry," he says.

It doesn't matter.

Call Me -

"So that was her?" Rebecca asks. I nod my head, not thinking very straight. I keep staring into Sarah's eyes, seeing that look on her face. That look of pure horror. The terror of somebody you love moving on.

But I haven't moved on, have I?

God, what have I done?

I don't love Rebecca, yet I am at her apartment. I am sitting on her bed, getting ready to spend the night. We have been dating for three weeks, and I've pretended like I'm ready for this. Just so the rest of the world doesn't think I'm a nervous wreck.

Then I realize, who is the rest of the world? The remainder of my world is Sarah. What good have I done in that department?

Rob tried to make me understand, but I wasn't listening. I am only going to hurt Rebecca by continuing this relationship. No matter how good she makes me feel, or what she says, it will never change anything.

I will still love Sarah.

Rebecca's hand touches my face. "Are you alright?" She asks. I nod my head and grasp a hold of her hand.

She leans forward and kisses my lips. I return it, not wanting to give up just yet. I want to do this. I want to prove I don't need Sarah anymore.

I want to not love Sarah Risardi.

Rebecca's hand is traveling up my shirt. Her palm is cupping my breast as her tongue sweeps through my mouth. Her breathing is getting heavier.

Then I see the those icy blue eyes, and the way they shine when Sarah becomes really involved in our lovemaking. The way the passion rises so much, I get turned on just by looking at her.

"Stop," I say. Rebecca sighs, and removes her hand. She fixes her hair and stands up.

"I'm really sorry." My eyes are pleading Rebecca to understand. I am trying to make things right, but I can't. I need to listen to Rob more often.

"When you're over her," Rebecca says. "Call me."

3 AM -

I look down at my watch. It says three a.m. I know I am officially crazy. I am crazy in love.

I have a game plan. I am going to knock on the door, and as soon as she opens it, I am going to give her the most passionate kiss she will ever receive.

I miss her so much.

I know Sarah wants me back. I could feel it when she looked at me. The love is still there, and it always will be. The dreams, the longing, the wanting. It all was in front of me just to prove a point, and I completely disregarded fate.

I am running through the city. I can care less when I bump into people. I need to get to Sarah.

After what seems like running for hours, I find myself at the doorstep. I take a deep breath, still panting. The door is slightly open, so I go in.

I almost faint.

The house is trashed. It looks like a possible burglary. Everything is smashed up. Frantically, I rush to the kitchen. I need to get the phone. 911....

I go to reach for the phone, and I hear a strange noise. My shoe is beginning to feel damp.. I look down to find a puddle.

The horror I find is too unreal. My mind is having a hard time perceiving the things around me. Visions of being a scared child and my dad hitting me seem pg -13. The rapes, the battles, the betrayal all becomes merely a paper cut.

I find my lovers provider laying in a pool of blood. His face is helpless and he holds his stomach. I see at least one bullet-hole in view. There is so much blood, I find it quite possible for there to be more.

"Oh my god, Marcus!" I lean down, trying to check his pulse. He is still alive, but I can tell death is quite near.

I breathe in and out, somehow trying to find the mental strength to take care of the situation brought before me. Collectively, I pick up the phone and dial 911.

"911, what is your emergency?"

I am shaking. I can only panic. I really don't know what else to do.

"I need an ambulance. Somebody has been shot! Please!" I am hysterical. I am confused. God, too many fucking emotions.

Marcus is trying to whisper something. I throw the phone across the room.

"Where is Sarah?" He is softly asking. I know he is dying.

The panic rises...

I start looking through the house. Where is she? I am praying in my mind that she is okay. Please, please be okay. I need her so much. Please god, don't let her die on me.

I open the bedroom door.

I scream.

I fall to my knees.

She is hanging before me on a plant hook. It's going right through her neck.

The blood is trickling on the floor.

All the years and all the memories are flooding before me. They all fall to the ground along with my tears. I try not to think of all the fights, but all the other passing days. There were so many moments of joy. I can only look back now and smile at them. I cry, knowing we can never relive those moments. All the days we would laugh together in the coffee shop, the inside jokes, the passion...

Reality clicks back in. All that surrounds me is gone.

Her hand hangs lifelessly, and I see her ring. I begin to cry harder as I remove it from her blood ridden finger.

The sirens are blaring. The paramedics are racing in. I am no longer alive to the world. I have no remembrance of anything else. Just the memory of a face that fifty years from now, I could still never forget.

2 Years Later -

"I'm so proud of you," says Rebecca. She kisses my cheek and hands me back the frame. Before hanging it back on the wall, I gently touch it with my fingertips. If Sarah only knew how much I missed her.

I realize it is not the first time I have said that. It probably wont be the last.

"Thanks," I reply. "I think this is what she would have wanted. If she ever wanted anything done with that money, I'd imagine this was it."

I look around at the facility one last time. I had put so much time, energy, sweat and blood into it. I wanted it and now I was standing in it.

Sarah's 27 million dollars helped me put together a crisis center. It is for abused women and those in need. There are over sixty five counselors available and twenty lawyers to do pro - bono work. It is for the public and those who truly need help.

In the main hallway is where Rebecca and I stand. I run my fingers across the encrypted writing on the wall. It is a short dedication to Sarah with her photo next to it.

"This facility is dedicated to the loving memory of Sarah Cassandra Risardi. May her days in heaven be filled with joy and love find it's way back to her."

"I love you," I whisper to myself gently..

Rebecca kneads my back softly as we walk out of the building. "Tomorrow is going to be great," she says. "You have no idea how many people you're helping."

I look over at her and reply. "I think I do."

My hands shake as thousands of people sit before me. Half of them flew across country to write about this in papers, deliver it on the news. My speech is even being taped, just to remind me of what a blubbering idiot I am. I sigh though, knowing in the long run, it will all be worth it.

I clear my throat and begin talking. I'm so damn nervous.

"I met this woman back in 1998. I kick myself, because as soon as I saw her, I had this opinion of her in my mind. I thought `this girl is totally a drug dealer, possibly some sort of a gang member.'"

I hope I don't look like an ass. The headlines on the news are going to be "ugly lesbo makes terrible speech."

"I was rude, unthoughtful, ungrateful, not to mention a total pain in her butt. The funny thing is, she never complained once. When my car wouldn't start, she helped me without a moment of hesitation. But she didn't just start my car. She started my life as well, because before I met her, I wasn't living. I was breathing, but I wasn't truly living. She gave me life, and that is what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to help all the people out there who aren't living. All the people who wake up in the morning, just dreading the rest of the day. I'm trying to give those people something to wake up to. All the people who feel like they can't go on anymore, trust me. I know what you're going through. Giving up is never an option, and that is what this center is all about. It's about bravery and saving lives. Sarah Risardi was relentless and fought for her life until the very end. With her help and courage, I'm trying to fight for everybody else. I couldn't save her, but I'm going to do everything in my power to save others. I hope that this facility will do all it is capable of doing. We have thousands of people here who are willing to do one on one counseling. This is not just for women, but for all people who feel like letting go..."

I feel the hard swallow in my throat and pray that I sound good. I continue talking for what seems like forever. Many people are clapping and taking pictures, so success seems possible. When I finally finish, different people who helped with the building and contracting hug me tightly, close friends give me kisses on the cheek. All the while I can't wait to get outside and breathe fresh air. The walls around me feel like they are closing in.

The Right Time -

"You looked really beautiful tonight Angela," says Rob. He is referring to the gown I had on during the opening. I look down at it, watching it begin to wrinkle. It is now nearing one o'clock in the morning, so it's bound to happen.

"Why did Becca leave so early?" Rob asks as I look out the limousine window.

"I don't really know. I think it is hard for her to go through all this stuff. She has feelings for me that just can't be returned right now. I guess that is hard for her to accept. Plus, she knows I really miss Sarah. I've been thinking about her a lot lately."

Rob nods and pulls out a small piece of paper.

"I think this is the right time."

I look over at him strangely, not positive how to respond. While taking the small folded up paper and opening it, I exhale. I have the feeling that I'm going to cry again. As I look down only to see Sarah's writing, I feel the tears build up.

"I want you to know, it's okay if whoever you fall in love with isn't perfect, as long as they are in your eyes."

I gasp, looking down at the words I spoke over four years ago. I can only cry while understanding the note completely. She wants me to be happy, even if it's not her that is making me.

I sob, somehow knowing that I was going to. Then I look over at Rob and ask, "When did she give this to you?"

"A couple of weeks before she died," he says.

The rest of the ride to my car is in silence. No words can express the loneliness in my heart.

The Refusal to Self - Destruct -

I find myself back in the cemetery, staring at her now dirty headstone.

I want her to be with me. It just isn't fair.

I remembered all the seats filled at the opening. So many people had come to see the facility. I can not even express the gratitude that I feel for that, but still, everything seems empty.

"I wish you could of been there to see it, Sarah," I cry softly.

"She is here," says a voice come from a distance. I look up at Rebecca, who came from around the corner.

"She may not be here physically, but she is always with you."

You always know, don't you? You always know what to say. Why do you have to do that? I can't love you like that Becca, but you make me want to.

"I suppose you're right," I say.

Of course she's right, she is always right. But, she's not Sarah.

"I don't mean to intrude, I just figured you'd be here when you didn't come home. I was kind of worried," she says to me.

"Well, don't be. I'm fine, okay?" God, that came out kind of bitchy.

"Look at me Angela. I am not trying to take her place, nor will I ever. You can stop giving me this attitude and shutting me out." I look over at her, apologizing with my eyes. I have had this uncooperative behavior for months. I don't mean to give it, it just comes out like that.

"I am here to help you through this. I am here for you because I love you. I will wait however long it takes for you to understand that, even if you don't ever love me back. You're my world. You're also my best friend. Don't think that you can't talk to me just because I have feelings for you."

I stand, feeling guilty. I walk over to her and place my hands around her waist.

"I do love you Becca. It's just going to take some time." I bury my face in her neck, needing the hug.

"Please, don't give up on me," I whisper.

Rebecca's grip tightens around me. "I never will. I'll wait forever if you want me to."

I allow my tears to fall again, for what seems like the five thousandth time. Finally, Rebecca says "Let's go home."

"Yeah, that seems like the best idea. Can you just give me a minute? I need to go wash my face. There is a fountain over there. Can you pull the car around in the meantime?."

Knowingly, Rebecca nods. I admire her for being so understanding.

After she is out of distance, I look at the headstone once more. "This is the last time I'm doing this. I fear that I'll lose my sanity otherwise."

I wipe my nose with my wrist. My eyes are bloodshot, my vision is blurry.

"Alright Sarah...here it goes. You're everything. That is why it's so hard to let you go..." God, why can't this be easier? It feels harder now than it did two years ago.

"I can promise that I'll never forget you. Your face will never be unclear in my mind. I don't need a picture to remind me. I don't need anything to remind me of all that you have done for me. I'm just having a hard time accepting things. The way you died wasn't fair. You didn't deserve it. I'm mad at God, I'm mad at the system. Most of all, I'm mad at myself for not trying harder to help you. I left you...(God, please fucking strike me dead for it.) I blame myself every day and I'm sorry. But I wanted you to know that I will always love you no matter what. No matter the distance, no matter the time, I will find my way back to you. To hell or high water...And I swear, I will never self - destruct."

I lean down and take a faded out gold ring from my pocket. I get down on my knees and look below. I cry, seeing that over the years the grass has grown and the soil has become hard. Tears drip off of my chin as I kiss the ring softly and place it securely in the dirt.

"You'll always be perfect in my eyes," I sob gently.

For the last time, I say goodbye. I know eventually, I will find my way back to her I.