All the Ways I Love You
This story is about male/male relationships and contains graphic descriptions of sex.
You should not read this story if it is in any way illegal due to your age or residence.
This is a work of pure fiction. It mixes fictional characters and events with real people. However any real person mentioned in this work is purely an actor playing a part. This story in no way is meant to imply anything about the sexuality, personality, or behavior of the actual person.
Thanks to the many readers who have responded to this story. Thanks to mattvt for reviewing and proofing parts of this story; all errors remain my fault!
Copyright 2003 Jason Calme. This story is the sole property of its author and may not be copied in whole or in part or posted on any website without the permission of the author.
Questions and commentary can be sent to "JasonCalme@yahoo.com".
Chapter 32
"Hello?" I said, picking up the phone half wondering who'd call after midnight, though I was pretty sure who it was.
"Hey baby," said Justin.
"Hey baby."
"You okay?" he asked.
"Yeah."
"Sorry I had to get out of town so quick."
"That's okay. I kind of...well there wasn't a whole lot of sense hanging around here."
"They're following me here too," he added.
"I'm sorry."
"Not your fault, I kind of asked for it I guess."
I smiled to myself, I guess he did. But I couldn't chastise him for it.
"Things happen," I consoled him. "The photos could have come out anyway."
"Yeah, but the reading was just dumb."
I paused for a moment. "I really liked it Justin. I'm glad you did it. So don't second guess things. Let's just move on and hope for the best."
"Yeah...," he said, sounding doubtful, or thoughtful. "So..." he started, and I knew there was something big coming, "we've been talking about things..."
"Who?" I asked.
"Kind of everyone," he replied vaguely. I hadn't been involved in the discussions, I thought to myself, so it wasn't really 'everyone.'
"Anyway," he continued, "it's kind of been suggested that I need to be seen with some different people."
"Different people?"
There was a long pause. "Ahh...women..."
"Okay."
"Kind of cover date."
"Date someone?"
"Not date, date," Justin said hurriedly. "Just...you know...go out and have my picture taken."
"Uh huh," I said, not sure what this was going to mean.
"So...uh...how would you...how would you feel about that..." he asked tentatively.
I thought for a moment.
"Ethan?" Justin whispered plaintively.
"I'm...well Justin I guess it really depends on what it is. You know, if it's just going to dinner with someone, or dancing at a club, then that's okay. But if you're going to be seeing someone for a period of time...go on multiple dates...I guess I'd want proof that they're a lesbian and find you hideous," I joked, trying to make a little fun of the situation.
There was quiet on the other end. I guess Justin didn't see any humor in this.
"You know..." he began, "I wouldn't cheat on you."
"I know that Justin, I guess I just don't want you to be tempted either."
"Well how about you?" Justin asked, his voice sounding strained.
"Me what?"
"Well you're back there on your own," he argued.
"Justin I...I'm not going out on pretend dates to cover my sexuality."
"You think I want to do this?" Justin snapped. He was getting upset. Upset at me, but why? Because of what he was going to have to do to protect his career or was there more?
"Justin, look, we've talked about this before. You do what you have to, to protect your career. If that means being seen with someone then that's okay."
"What about Julie?" Justin suddenly blurted out.
"What about Julie?" I asked coolly.
"What about if I went out on some dates with Julie? How would you feel about that?" There was a pause and the he added, We're just friends," almost as an after thought.
I lay there with my eyes closed. This had disaster painted all over it.
"Ethan?" Justin asked tentatively.
"Justin," I said slowly, "you do what you think is best. I'll...I'm...you just do what's best."
"Ethan...look it was just an idea."
"No, that's fine Justin. Look it's late and I'm tired."
"You sure?"
"Yes Justin, I'm tired okay? I'm gonna get some sleep. Let's talk tomorrow. Okay?"
"You sure it's okay, Ethan?"
"Yes Justin, good night."
"Okay, good night Ethan."
"Night Justin."
"I love you Ethan."
"I love you Justin, Bye."
I hung up and lay there, my eyes closed. Shit! This was going to be a mess. I could see it now. I knew it was going to be bad. I could see the end now. It was all over. I doubted if I would ever see him again.
I could deal with it. It was going to happen eventually. I wasn't even that surprised or sad. I lay there, almost feeling surprised that now I knew it was over the sky hadn't fallen on me. I closed my eyes and tried not to think. Trying not to cry.
The phone rang.
I didn't want to pick it up.
It kept ringing.
Damn him.
"Hello?"
"Ethan?" Justin said, his voice high and tight.
"What's up Justin?"
"Everything's still okay, right?"
"What do you mean?"
"I was worried...you just...look the Julie idea was dumb. I didn't want to do it but someone threw it out and I'm sorry I didn't immediately dismiss it...please..." Justin begged.
"Justin, it's okay...it's okay."
"I'm just...everyone's on me about what to do and I don't know what to do...I don't know what to do" and he sounded hysterical and almost crying.
"Justin, calm down, calm down."
"I don't know what to do," he repeated.
"I know and it's okay. You'll figure this out. Just calm down. You don't need to come up with the answer today. Give yourself a couple of days."
"I'm sorry, I just...it seemed like an answer and I went for it."
"Calm down Justin," I said calmly. "Look you said yourself once that you just have to go up to someone at a club and they link you with that person. So it shouldn't be too big a deal to get linked with someone."
"That was before, when I didn't want it though," he wailed. "Now they'll probably ignore it completely unless I'm naked and fucking them."
I laughed. "Well I hope that's not what it's going to take."
"Oh shit!"
"Calm down. Okay? Look just calm down. Justin I'm not going to tell you what to do as I don't know what the best solution is. You're going to have to come up with it, but I trust you, and I think you'll come up with something."
"Okay. But look, I'll let you know what I'm going to do before I do it. I promise"
"I trust you Justin. But thanks," I said. God! I just wish I could hug him and kiss him and hold him.
We talked a bit about other things. How the weather was. Little things, and then after a lot of I love you's we hung up and I finally got to sleep.
And so it was that a couple of months went by and Justin never came to New York. He was never closer than 500 miles to me. They didn't think it was safe to come to New York, even if I wasn't there.
The press followed me for a few weeks, and then got sick of me. New stories appeared of Justin dating some dancer, and then someone else. A reporter stopped me one day and asked me what I thought of the stories. I said Justin was a friend, and I really hoped he found someone that he could be happy with. He asked me if I'd seen Justin recently and I could honestly say that I hadn't seen him in a month. Inside I was wondering if I would ever see him again, but I tried to appear happy and unconcerned.
"Hey!"
"Hi Justin, what's up?"
"Not much. What are you doing?"
"Working on a couple of pieces. Trying to finish this article for The Atlantic. It's a struggle."
"So you know that big party I told you about?" Justin asked.
"Yeah," I said rolling my eyes. Justin had asked me the week before if I'd come out to LA to a big industry party and I'd said no. Why would I want to go? We couldn't be seen together at the party, so being there was going to be an exercise in frustration. And we might not even see each other the rest of the time either. If I was within ten feet of Justin they'd report it. Justin tried to argue the reverse; if we were never together then didn't that suggest that we were covering up something? I said I doubted the reporters for the Enquirer and Entertainment Tonight could come up with that kind of reasoning.
"Well I've worked it out that you can go with Britney," he said.
"Britney," I almost gasped, "as in ex-Britney?"
"Yeah..." he laughed, sounding pleased with himself.
"Uh huh."
"It'll be fine," he said. "And then I thought, we could go to this private place up the coast and spend a few days together."
That got my attention. "Yeah, what place is this? For how long?"
"Well it's a few hours away. Really private. The party is on Monday, we could get up there Tuesday morning and then I have until Wednesday when I have to leave for Orlando."
I thought about it for a moment, putting it all together in my mind. "So you're talking about a day?" I asked skeptically.
"Uh...well yeah, it's the best I can do at the moment, but at least we'd have a day!"
"Justin," I said, trying to gauge how best to say this. "It's really sweet that you've been trying to find a way for us to be together, but this isn't going to work. I'm still having trouble with this article, and going all the way out there to spend a day just...it seems like too much trouble."
There was silence for a moment. "Too much trouble?" He repeated. "I came in to see you for less than that!" he said sounding irritated.
"That was when you were flying through New York though!" I protested. "Look, it's not...there's lots of things going on...I've got a lot of work on, and you know we've still got to keep ourselves very hidden. It seems like a risk at the wrong time."
"I don't think so," Justin said stubbornly. "We haven't seen each other for over two months!"
"I know," I said sadly. "And I miss you terribly baby."
"Not that much it seems," he said bitterly, and he hung up.
Shit! I said looking at the phone. The little bastard. I couldn't believe he did that.
The phone rang. I looked at it. Should I answer it?
"What?" I snapped.
"I'm sorry," he said, sounding contrite.
"Yeah."
"I am!"
"Okay," I said, softening.
"I just...the record company is all over me about things. I really want to see you...can't you come out?" he begged.
"Justin, if I come out they're going to have a fit! Have you talked to them about this?"
"No."
"Maybe you should," I sad softly.
"I just want you to come."
"I know baby. I miss you too so much."
"You do?"
"I do, I do, I really do!" I said and he laughed. "But ask the record company what they think. Ask Johnny. Ask your Mom."
He sighed. "You know what they'll say."
"Yeah," I paused, "and they're right Justin."
He ignored me. "Please will you come?"
"No Justin," I sighed. "I can't." I really thought it was for the best.
"Okay," he said quietly.
"Justin," I said, "I love you and want to see you, you know that right? This just isn't the right time."
"Okay."
"You sure?"
"Yeah."
"Okay, baby, I love you," I told him.
"I love you," he said.
We spoke a few times over the week leading up to the party. Justin would mention me coming out each time. The night before, he almost wistfully said, "Well I guess it's too late for you to get here now?" and I said "Yes," though I'd started to feel a heel about it. He had been pestering me about it, and he really seemed hurt and upset that I wouldn't come out. I wanted to make it up to him, but things were so difficult I couldn't see how I could do it. And coming out seemed just so damn risky. I worried that if I was in the same city as he was that the papers would print it up, or it would be on Entertainment Tonight. I realized that I wanted to not appear in the papers as much as - if not more than - I wanted Justin not to appear in them with me.
I wished him well, and told him to call me after the party and tell me what had happened. And who Britney went with!
He didn't call that night. I didn't expect him to. But I expected him to call the next day, and he didn't. I called and left a message on his voice mail. "Just checking in," I'd said, "give me a call."
He didn't call that day, or that evening. I called and left another message in the evening.
On Wednesday I went out with Tony and we played some basketball down at a park near their place. I was hopeless at it, and he was trying to teach me. Show me some moves or something. I thought that maybe I could get at least reasonable so that Justin and I could play together. Abby teased me about doing it, but I didn't care. I didn't hate basketball, and playing it was at least a lot more fun than watching others play it.
I got home about 4pm. I came up the stairs and was surprised to see Eric, one of Justin's minders, standing outside the apartment. He nodded at me as I unlocked the door and stepped inside, leaving him waiting outside as though that was the perfectly natural thing to do.
I looked around. There was a pile of things on the couch. I walked into the hall and looked in the bedroom door. I could see a suitcase lying on the bed, and I could hear Justin talking to himself, cursing and muttering. I walked to the doorway of the bedroom and looked in. Justin was standing at the wardrobe door, pulling a shirt off a coat hanger.
"Going somewhere?" I asked casually.
He startled, and then turned to face me. He looked angry and surprised, and then sorry.
"I...ah sorry...I didn't think you'd be here," he said flatly.
"Oh..." I said, not sure what was happening. "What are you doing?"
"Getting my stuff," he said as though I was asking a stupid question, which I guess I was.
"I kind of guessed that. You moving out?"
He looked at me, then looked down, then looked up again.
"I..."
"Why?"
He startled again. "Why?" he repeated.
"Yeah, why?" I asked. "Why are you moving out?"
"I'm just..."
I stepped towards him and he pulled back, "Why haven't you called me? Why are you doing this again? What's going on?" I asked quietly.
"I...I..."
"I thought we were through all this crap. And then you just disappear again."
"Crap!" he yelled, "What do you care? You don't care how I feel?"
"How you feel? What are you talking about?" I asked, surprised.
"Why wouldn't you come out? Why didn't you come?" he whined.
"Is that what this is all about? I wouldn't come out for some party and you're throwing this hissy fit? Why don't you grow up?"
I saw anger flair up for a moment in his eyes, and then his shoulders sagged. "It's not because of that...it's over...I'm just going to go," and he threw the shirt into the suitcase.
"No," I said grabbing his arm, "if it's over you have to tell me why. You can't just come in and say you're leaving. You have to tell me why. If it's because of all the press stuff and the pressure from the record company, okay. I can live with that. But if it's not that, then why?"
Justin stood there staring at me, then he turned and grabbed another shirt.
"Justin, please," I whispered, "just tell me," and I put my hand on his shoulder, but he flinched and I let go.
He stood there for a moment silently, then he whispered, "I...I cheated on you," and he started sobbing.
I stood there not feeling a thing. I'd been through this so many times it seemed with Justin I was getting tired of it.
"So what happened?" I asked.
He stopped sobbing for a moment, surprised perhaps as much by my tone as by the question. "What do you mean?"
"Well, why? Who?"
"It was after the party. It was...there were all these people I knew. Britney was there with her boyfriend, and Julie was all over me and..."
"Go on."
He paused, and then started talking again, seemingly on a different topic.
"You know the record company's been after me to date a girl so it'll put an end to the rumors," he said. "They've been practically saying I have to have sex with a girl so word will get out about it, or they won't release the album. Do you know what that's been like?"
"I'm sorry Justin, why didn't you tell me?" I said softly.
He shrugged. "I was so mad you wouldn't come, and the record company kept on and on. All the meetings I was in...Johnny was telling me the record company were being fucks. I couldn't stand it. I didn't know what to do so I got drunk...I know that's no excuse."
"Go on."
"There was this girl who was all over me and I...and I...there was a room upstairs at the party."
"Go on."
"What do you want to hear? Everything? She blew me, Okay?! She fucking sucked me off. Alright?!"
He struggled to regain control, and then started folding the next shirt.
"That was it?"
'Yeah."
"Did you do her?"
"No."
"Doesn't seem fair," I said.
"Huh!"
"You use protection?"
"Yeah."
"Well that's something."
Justin turned and threw the shirt into the suitcase, then turned back to the closet. "Shit!" he said, "you can keep the rest of the stuff," and he went back to the suitcase and started closing it.
"So Justin," I said. He stopped and looked at me. "Are you and this girl an item now? Is she your girlfriend now?"
He looked at me and shook his head.
"You don't love me anymore?" I asked.
He looked at me, his eyes watering, "I'm sorry," he said.
"You don't love me?" I repeated.
He turned and started to move away.
I went after him and grabbed his shoulder. "Look at me!" I yelled at him.
He turned to face me, tears streaming down his face.
"I asked you a question," I said as calmly as I could. "Do you love me?"
"I cheated on you!" he wailed.
"That wasn't the question."
"I cheated! I had sex with someone else."
I shook him, "Justin, do you still love me, yes or no, that's all I want to know."
"Yes," he muttered quietly.
"I didn't hear that."
"Yes! Okay! Yes, I still love you, are you happy? Are you happy I fucked this all up?"
He was yelling back at me now and he took a deep breath and stood there staring at me, his eyes huge, wet and red.
I looked at him calmly. "So why are you moving out?" I asked.
He looked at me, total shock on his face.
"I...I cheated..."
"Yeah..."
"Well...I..."
"Oh some bitch blowing you I don't consider cheating. Well I do...if you ever do it again I'm going to rip your nuts off. Don't you forget that..."
"Uh...Okay."
"I mean it was partly to protect your career," I went on, trying to justify it in my mind, but I was still angry. I gripped him in my hands and shook him
"Just remember this," I said, "don't you ever fucking touch another person Justin. You understand? You're mine! Just I get to touch you."
"But I...I..."
"I'm willing to forgive you...this one time...give you one more chance."
"Uh..."
"I know you've been through hell lately. That doesn't excuse it but...Fuck! Justin! You stupid shit! I love you so much. How could you do this?" I was crying now.
"I'm sorry...I'll go," and he turned to go, but I couldn't let him. My hands gripped his arms tightly and I was pulling him to me. Pulling him tight against me. We were crying against each other.
"Don't ever do this again Justin."
"I won't," he promised, crying against me.
"I don't want to lose you...but I can't stand it to think of you with someone else."
"I'm sorry...I'm sorry."
We stood there holding each other, crying for what seemed like hours. I almost felt like I was going to fall asleep.
Finally I realized we had been just standing there, holding each other for God knows how long. The crying had stopped.
Justin pulled a little away from me. It was like we had woken up after a storm.
"If you want me to go, I'll go" he offered to me one more time, his face looking sad and forlorn.
I shook my head. "No Justin. I want you to stay. I forgive you. This once."
"I'll make it up to you," he promised.
"No Justin. You don't have to. I've forgiven you, okay?"
He nodded. I took a breath and tried to collect myself. Justin stood there looking lost. I think we both wondered what was going to happen next. For a moment his body seemed repulsive to me. Someone else had touched it, marked it. Had stimulated him and made him cum. The most intimate of experiences, and he had shared it with someone else.
For a moment I wanted him to go. He repulsed me.
And then he looked at me, his eyes wet and sad, and I saw everything that we'd had before. Every touch and every kiss. And the memory of that more than out weighed this.
I pulled him close to me and with a finger, wiped up the tears from his face. His face was a picture of chastisement. He stood there, letting me do it, like a little boy who had been bad. I leaned forward and tentatively kissed his still wet check. I could smell him. He still smelt like Justin, still felt like Justin. I went down to his lips and kissed him there. He kissed back, but not forcefully, he wasn't leading, just following. I stopped and looked at his face, it still looked so sad. I leaned in and kissed him, opening my mouth, and he opened his to match and I pushed my tongue gently inside. His tongue tentatively slid up to meet mine and we touched and rolled around each other. The kissing was becoming more passionate. He started to respond more, grinding against me, his mouth opening, his tongue moving back and forth, his arms exploring my body.
I pulled back again and he slackened off, letting me lead again. But now his eyes were filled with passion. He wanted me, and I wanted him. I stared at him and he glanced away nervously, then looked back at me, his face showing how worried he was that I was going to reject him. I leaned in and kissed him again, then pulled away and kissed a series of kisses up his cheek, pulling his head down so that I could kiss his hair. I ran my mouth over his hair, feeling it against my face. Normally Justin found this mildly irritating and only reluctantly allowed me to do it. But now he let me bend his head and kiss and lick him all over. I enjoyed every minute of it. Then I went down and kissed around his ear, before I leaned forward and whispered into it.
"And now I'm going to make you forget all about getting blow jobs from girls," and I dragged him down onto the bed.
Justin said he would stay until the following Monday - I didn't ask him how that fit with his other plans. I just took it and didn't question it. And it seemed we were going to risk being found out by the reporters. I didn't ask him about that either. There was too much going on to think about that.
He tried to show me how sorry he was in the days after that. He did it in lots of different ways. He was attentive; almost too attentive. He showered me with gifts, things I didn't even want. He only wanted to do things I wanted to do. In bed he was totally submissive.
I guess most people would have been thrilled. Would have felt like a King. But it only seemed to irritate me because it kept reminding me of why he was acting this way. It was because he cheated.
And even though I'd forgiven him, had taken him back, I found that I couldn't get it out of my mind.
It wasn't that I thought he was going to cheat on me again. I honestly doubted that he would. I didn't know what it was. But I was just angry. Angry at him for doing this to us. So I took my anger out on him. If he did anything wrong I criticized him mercilessly. If he screwed up I got incredibly angry at him. Most of the time he would just take it. On the few occasions were he argued back at me it escalated into a screaming match and then he would capitulate totally and I just screamed at him some more.
Justin's confidence seemed to evaporate. In a couple of days he'd become an insecure, unsure, shadow of himself around me. And I was angry and bitter and thinking that maybe I'd done the wrong thing.
Maybe we weren't savable.
We were a mess.
I think another day and one of us would have snapped.
But then my Mother called and invited us up for the weekend.
We had nothing to do except sit around the apartment bickering at each other, so it seemed like a good idea. We drove up that afternoon (it was Friday) and hardly said a word all the way there.
Mom was so excited to see us. Hugging Justin tightly. I idly wondered if she would do that had she known what he had done.
Simon was thrilled to see us too, and wanted to know when he could come and stay with us. I said I wasn't sure.
At dinner we sat around chatting. Justin had hardly spoken a word, and I thought I saw my Mom looking at him and then at me. At one point, I don't know when, but we were talking about war or something and I made this joke about whether infants enjoyed the infantry as much as adults enjoyed adultery. It was just a dumb joke. But I guess Justin took it to heart as he excused himself and went off to the bathroom.
He was probably crying or something. I didn't really care. I realized I was starting to hate him.
I realized it was over.
My Mom got up a little later and went off to the kitchen while Simon and Dad and I were sitting there talking. Then they decided to go into the living room.
I said I'd go see where the others were.
Mom wasn't in the kitchen.
I went down the hall to the guest bedroom and found the door was closed. I knocked and opened it. Mom and Justin were sitting on the bed and Mom had her arm around him. It was obvious Justin had been crying.
They both looked up at me, Justin looking surprised and embarrassed, my Mother giving me an appraising, almost cold look.
Mom turned to Justin and whispered something in his ear, and then kissed him on the cheek and pulled him into a hug and he put his arms around her and hugged her tightly. I watched, feeling a little like I was intruding. Justin untangled himself and Mom stood up and turned to me.
"Ethan," she said. "How about you come and help me with dessert."
"Huh?" I said.
"Justin, why don't you go see what Simon and Paul are up to?" she added.
Justin nodded, but just stood there. My Mom stepped towards me, and shepherded me out of the room.
"I just want to talk to Justin," I began.
"Why don't you come talk to me first?" she said.
I shrugged. I knew I couldn't deter her.
We stepped out of the room, but she didn't lead me down to the kitchen. Instead we went to my parent's bedroom. She closed the door as she followed me in. For a moment I felt like I had done something bad and was about to be chastised.
I stood there and she stood there looking at me. I didn't say anything.
"Want to talk about it?" she asked.
"Talk about what?"
"About what's going on between you and Justin."
"Nothings going on," I said. "What did he tell you?"
"Enough."
"What...come on...what did he say?"
"Ethan, Justin told me you two are having problems. I just want to know if I can help."
"Is that what he said? That we're having problems?" I said a little bitterly. I thought so. She wouldn't be hugging him and kissing him if she knew what he had done to her son!
She stood there looking at me, as though wondering what to say.
"He told me he cheated on you," she said softly, staring at me levelly, and I almost collapsed.
------------------------------- To be continued...
My other stories:
High School: Do What You Can
Celebrity: Boy Bands: Birthday Blues