All the Ways I Love You
This story is about male/male relationships and contains graphic descriptions of sex.
You should not read this story if it is in any way illegal due to your age or residence.
This is a work of pure fiction. It mixes fictional characters and events with real people. However any real person mentioned in this work is purely an actor playing a part. This story in no way is meant to imply anything about the sexuality, personality, or behavior of the actual person.
Thanks to the many readers who have responded to this story.
Copyright 2003 Jason Calme. This story is the sole property of its author and may not be copied in whole or in part or posted on any website without the permission of the author.
Questions and commentary can be sent to "JasonCalme@yahoo.com".
Chapter 37
It seemed to take forever to get to the hospital. When we finally got there, we wandered around, but had no idea where to go. No one would tell us where Justin was, or even acknowledge that he'd been brought there. Finally Abby started screaming at someone and they sent us up to a floor where security guards said we weren't allowed any further, and we were left to wait in a small waiting room.
The three of us sat there, saying nothing. I don't even remember what I was thinking. Nothing rational. Just a jumble of thoughts spinning around, including wondering where the funeral would be held.
I tried to stop those thoughts, but it was hard.
Tony fidgeted a lot and kept standing up and sitting down. Finally he offered to go find coffee, leaving Abby and I sitting there.
"Any idea what happened to him?" she asked quietly.
I shook my head, but the tears started coming again.
"What is it Ethan?"
"I think...I think he tried to kill himself."
It was eight in the morning. We'd been there for over nine hours. No news. Nothing. We'd tried to talk to people but had no luck. We knew nothing, but the news about Justin had leaked out. Tony came back with a first edition of the New York Post and it had a sidebar that was a short piece titled "Singer rushed to hospital" There were no details, just a bit of speculation and some background about his recent album release and the rumors about his sexuality. Shit, I thought, he was going to die and all the obituaries were going to talk about the fact he dated Britney and might be gay. No wonder he wanted to fucking kill himself.
I'd helped kill him I realized. It was my fault. I had to have him. I couldn't see that his being with me would destroy him. How could I have been so selfish? How could I do this to someone I loved? His mother had been right all along. I was no good for him. I had kept saying that it was all up to him, that I wasn't going to ask him to come out or anything, but it was all crap. By asking him to stay with me I was forcing him to expose himself to this.
I woke with a start. I'd dozed off for a bit. I leaned against the couch with my eyes closed. I could hear Tony and Abby whispering about whether they should take me home.
They thought I'd be better there.
I wasn't going to go. I'd done this to Justin. I couldn't just walk away now. I had to see him one last time. Run my fingers through his hair one last time...
And then a feeling of dread passed over me. His Mother hated me...she wouldn't let me see him one last time. I wouldn't be able to say goodbye.
I sat there and started to quietly cry again.
The phone in my pocket buzzed. I looked up and saw Abby and Tony staring at me, obviously concerned. I took out the phone.
"Hello?"
"Ethan! It's Lance! How you doing? I'm in a taxi and will be there in about a half an hour if the traffic doesn't get worse. You okay?"
"No," I cried.
"It's okay."
"Lance...I...I killed him," I sobbed.
"What? What are you talking about? He's fine."
"He's going to die. I know it."
"No he's not. I just spoke to his Mom. He's okay. He's still a little out of it, but he's going to be fine. He's going to be fine, Ethan," Lance repeated. "Then we're all going to beat the shit out of him for pulling this stunt!" and he laughed and I half laughed, half cried.
"He's going to be okay?" I asked, still not believing it.
"Yeah! Where are you?"
"At the hospital...they won't tell us anything," I said.
"Oh shit. Where are you?"
"We're...we're in a waiting room somewhere...hang on..." I gave the phone to Abby. "It's Lance..." I told her. "He wants to know where we are."
Abby took the phone and spoke to him. They talked for a little bit, but I didn't pay attention. I was still absorbing what Lance had said.
He was going to be okay.
Abby closed the phone and crouched down beside me. "Justin's okay Ethan. Justin's okay. Lance is going to come and get you. You'll be able to see him. Justin's going to be okay."
"I know," I closed my eyes, but I couldn't stop crying.
Lance arrived as he said he would, looking a little tired but nonetheless happy and livelier than we were. He dragged us up to the next floor where he brushed past two security guards and brought us down a long empty hallway. At the end of the hall I saw some people sitting and standing around, including Justin's mother, his manager, security people and others. Lance steered me to a chair and then went down and talked with Justin's mother.
I watched as the two of them chatted. They kept looking back at me, and I felt guilty again. I'd nearly killed her son. No wonder she didn't want me there. I wanted to tell her that I was going to tell Justin it was over. I'd get out of his life. Let everyone go back to their normal lives.
Lance came back.
"Come on," he said to me. "You can see him."
I stood up, looking at Abby and Tony.
"We'll wait here," Abby said. "Tell him to get better soon."
I nodded.
I gathered myself together and followed Lance down the hall to the doorway. Lance kept looking at me as though he thought I was going to collapse. He went in first, and I followed him in, stopping just inside the doorway. Justin was in a bed with monitors connected to him and an intravenous drip. His eyes were closed. I wondered if he was dead, but then I saw his chest slowly rising and falling.
Lance turned and waved me forward, and I stepped up beside him. We were standing beside the bed, looking down at Justin, just as he opened his eyes. My heart skipped a beat. I stared back as his eyes slowly passed over us, looking a little unfocused. He blinked a couple of times and his eyes traveled back to Lance and then to me and a small smile came to his lips.
"You okay?" Lance asked quietly.
"Yeah," he nodded, glancing at Lance and then he looked at me. "I thought you weren't going to come," he said flatly. He didn't sound angry or sad.
"I...they wouldn't let me up," I almost choked out the words. "I've been here all night. Lance brought me up."
"Oh..." he said. "Thanks Lance."
Lance nodded and then stepped back and Justin reached out his hand to me and I stepped forward and grabbed it, dropping into the chair beside him.
"Are you okay?" he asked.
"Yeah...I'm...why Justin? Why?"
He just stared at me, his eyes large, tears starting to roll out of them.
I squeezed his hand, "I thought I'd lost you," I said, "this is all my fault, we shouldn't be together, we can't be together...I'm sorry."
"Now you're not making sense..." Justin whispered.
"Justin...I'm...I..."
He smiled, then grimaced a little. "Ethan...I'm tired..."
A wave of panic passed over me. "I'll get the Doctor!" I said, about to leap up.
"No...I'm okay...I'm just...sleepy...they said I can sleep...will you stay with me?"
"Yes," I said quietly, a little embarrassed that I'd over-reacted.
"Promise. Don't go...don't go until I'm better...we'll talk then."
"Justin, I won't go, I promise."
Justin smiled and turned to Lance. "Lance, will you make sure he stays?"
"Yes Justin, I will," said Lance seriously.
And for a moment I thought that Justin wanted Lance to keep me there. Then I realized he meant he wanted Lance to ensure that I was able to stay.
Justin slept until late in the afternoon. Others drifted in and out of the room. Lance came and went, and Abby even came in. His mother was there for much of the time, but we didn't say anything to one another; I couldn't even bare to look at her, afraid of the contempt I would see in her eyes.
But I didn't leave Justin. I promised him I'd stay, and I was going to be there when he woke up again no matter what...but I could really do with a bathroom break.
I'd been debating for 15 minutes whether I should make a quick dash down the hall when Justin woke up again.
He stirred a bit, then opened his eyes and smiled at me, his hand reaching out to grab mine. We squeezed hands for a moment, and then his Mother came in and saw he was awake. She came over to the other side of the bed and asked him how he was.
"I'm okay Momma," he said in a little boy voice, and he rolled onto his back to face her, but he didn't let go of my hand and I saw her glance down at our interlinked fingers.
She put her hand on his forehead and stroked his hair.
"Ah...Justin, I've got to hit the can," I said.
He looked over at me. "Why don't you use the one in there?" he said, looking toward an open door on the opposite wall. I hadn't even noticed there was a bathroom connected to the room.
"Uh...sure," I said, a little embarrassed at my stupidity, and let go of his hand and went in.
The bathroom was actually pretty large. I found a washcloth and washed my face and felt a little better. I stared at myself in the mirror. I looked like a wreck. Another wash didn't improve things too much.
When I came out his Mother was sitting in the chair holding his hand. To my surprise, she dropped his hand and got up as I came toward them.
I looked at her and said "It's okay, I want to stand for a bit," and she sat back down.
I came close to Justin on the other side of the bed and he reached out and took my hand and I squeezed it, his Mother holding his other hand. He lay there and tears started streaming from his eyes and his breathing became ragged.
His Mother and I both leaned closer to him, putting our free hands on his head and stroking his hair.
"I'm sorry," he sobbed and cried harder.
"No Justin, it's all my fault," I said, "I've got to let you go so you can keep doing what you love."
"No," Justin cried, "it's all my fault, I should have stood up to people...I was...I was just too frightened."
My head was against his and we were crying against each other.
"Justin, Ethan, now's not the time to decide these things," said his Mother calmly.
Justin took a breath, and I was shocked.
"Justin, we have to get you better and get you home. Then you two can discuss the future. But you can't do that now. So you're just going to suck it up for the moment. We're going to check Justin out and get him home. The Doctor said he should be able to go shortly."
"Home?" said Justin. "I...where?"
"Home Justin... your home here in New York." Then she turned to me. "Ethan, why don't you and Lance go back to the hotel and pick up Justin's things and take them back to the house. Justin will be there in a couple of hours."
Justin squeezed my hand hard. "I...I don't want him to go. Lance can go. Ethan stays with me."
I looked at his Mother and at Justin. "Justin, I think your Mother might be right. It's going to be a big circus getting you out of here as it is. I'll go now and meet you at home."
"No!" Justin sobbed, holding onto my hand.
"Umm...okay Justin. How about this. I'll stay until you're released. But we'll go out different doors and I'll meet you back at the house. Okay?"
"Okay!" he nodded. I looked at his Mother, and she smiled at me and nodded too.
"I'll just go ask Abby and Tony to go with Lance to get your stuff and go back to the house," I said.
I went to stand up and Justin squeezed my hand harder.
"I'll be back in a minute. I'm just going to talk to Lance, Okay?" I said.
"Okay," he said, reluctantly letting my hand go.
I went out and talked to Abby and Tony and Lance. I told them what to do and also told them they could pick bedrooms to sleep in when they got to the house if they wanted. Then I called my Mom and told her briefly what had happened. She said she was on her way, and would be there to take care of her 'boys,' and I smiled to myself as I hung up. The house was going to feel a bit different for the next few days.
Justin was sitting up and a bit brighter when I went back in. I think he'd washed his face and he just looked a little more alive.
A psychiatrist came down and spoke to Justin for a long while. He didn't want to sign the release for Justin, but after a lot of negotiation, and an assurance that Justin's own therapist would see him immediately, and that he'd be watched 24/7 until that therapist gave the okay, the release for Justin was reluctantly signed.
Meanwhile Justin's Mother and his manager were working on getting him out of the place. They wanted to smuggle him out, but word had come up that the hospital was surrounded by media. Worse, they had to smuggle two people out; him and me. Justin said he wanted to walk out. He said he just wouldn't answer any questions. The idea was to send Justin out the front and then, with a bit of luck, I'd slip out the side while everyone was concentrating on Justin.
That was how I ended up leaving through the emergency entrance dressed in hospital scrubs, with a nurse who was going on break holding onto my arm. We waited until Justin and his entourage left out the front door; hoping that all of the reporters stationed at the emergency entrance would dash around to the front.
I saw it later on TV; video of him coming out of the hotel. Justin looked awfully pale and he was leaning against his Mother. As pictures were taken reporters were calling "Justin!" to him and he raised his hand to them and said "I'm fine," to a reporter who was near him. He didn't say anything else as he got in the car and his mother climbed in after him. Then it cut to video of Johnny, his manager, reading a brief statement. It was pretty short; Justin had been ill the last few days and was suffering from exhaustion. He'd been found unconscious and was admitted, but after observation he had been released and he should be back to full health after a couple of days rest. It concluded with a message from Justin thanking everyone for their concern and prayers.
Johnny declined to answer any further questions. Almost immediately there was speculation about what had happened to Justin; rumors of a drug overdose were the most common. I think no one could believe that he would have tried to commit suicide, though there were rumors of that later in the week.
After changing in a bathroom of a restaurant down the street from the hospital, I grabbed a cab back home. When I arrived the place was pandemonium. People everywhere. Abby and Tony and Lance were there, as were my Mother and Simon. Johnny and an assistant were there, along with three security people. Joey had arrived too, and was on the phone talking to Chris.
As I walked in Mom came over and hugged me and said that Justin was in bed and his Mother was in there with him. I nodded.
"He'd going to be okay dear," she whispered.
"Yeah, I know," I said nodding. I was trying to maintain control with so many people there. "I think I'll go lie down. Maybe in the front room."
"Do you want something to drink?"
"Hot chocolate?" I said, having a sudden craving for the stuff.
"I'll make you some."
I went in and lay down on one of the twin beds in the front room. It occurred to me that Justin was right to insist we decorate the place; at least we had enough beds for everyone to stay.
A few minutes later there was a tap on the door and my Mother came in.
"Here you go dear."
"Thanks."
"Abby said to tell you that if you need anything just give them a call. They've gone home. They felt there were enough people here, but Abby said she'd come back tomorrow morning and help me out."
"Oh, okay," I frowned. I'd rather have had them staying than some of the others.
"Lance and Joey are going to stay tonight at least. They're going to be in the far bedroom. Simon's going to sleep on the pull-out couch in your office if that's okay."
"Okay."
My Mom paused. "Is it alright if Lynn stays?"
I looked up, a little surprised. I'd assumed she would.
"She wanted me to ask you if it was okay," my Mom continued.
"Ah...yeah...sure. She's always welcome," I said, trying to sound like I meant it.
Mom nodded. "Are you planning on staying in here tonight?"
"Ah...I don't know," I said.
"You don't want to see him?"
"What? Yeah...I was just going to take a nap...I thought I'd just..."
"He wants you," my Mom interrupted me. "Lynn just came looking for you. She said Justin wanted to know where you were."
"I just thought I'd let him..." I trailed off. I didn't know what I was doing, or what I was supposed to do.
"If it's Lynn, she said she'd go back to the hotel."
"It' not that..."
"Then why are you in here?"
"I think he...I wanted to give him some space...I feel like I caused this. I don't think we should be together."
My Mom sat down beside me. "Do you really think that? Or are you afraid?"
"If he'd died...I don't think I could go on, I...I love him so much, but I feel like I'm ruining his life."
"Does he think that?"
"I don't know," I shrugged.
"Okay, so what do you want me to tell them?"
"I don't know."
"He needs you."
"I don't..."
"Why don't you go check on him?" she said smiling, in a tone of voice that meant it wasn't just a suggestion. "Make sure he's tucked up in bed?"
I smiled a little.
"Okay," I said.
I hopped off the bed and walked down the hall to our bedroom. I leaned in and saw Justin in bed, his Mother sitting beside him, talking quietly to him. She looked up and saw me and smiled. She leaned down and said something to Justin, and then stood up. He looked over and saw me and smiled, and I walked over and sat down on the bed beside him.
"Hey," I said, briefly distracted as I watched his Mom walk out the door.
"Hey," he said back quietly, his hand snaking out of the covers and taking mine.
"How you feeling?"
"Okay. My throat's still a little sore," he said, and I remembered that they had pumped his stomach.
"That'll pass in a bit."
"I should be okay in a couple of days..." he said, lying there staring into my eyes.
"Well...it's late Justin, you should get some rest."
"Yeah," he agree, not moving. He looked around nervously and then his eyes came back to me and I could feel his hand shake a little. In a very quiet voice, almost a whisper he asked, "Are you going to stay with me tonight?"
I stood staring at him. I so much wanted to stay with him, but I'd promised that if he lived I'd get away from him.
He squeezed my hand and his eyes began to water. "Ethan...please," he was almost begging.
"I don't know Justin. Aren't I the cause of all this?"
"No! Ethan, no! You had nothing...it wasn't your fault...you saved my life," he lay there and tears were streaming down his face. "Please, I don't...I can't lose you..."
"Are you sure Justin?"
"Yes," he nodded and he was pulling at my hand, tugging me towards him.
"Hey, slow down Turbo!" I smiled. "Let me...let me get my clothes off, okay?"
He nodded and I quickly pulled off my shirt and pants. Justin was in shorts and t-shirt and I had this urge to be extra cozy so I went to the wardrobe and pulled out another comforter and threw it over the bed. Then I climbed in beside Justin. He slid sideways against me and we wrapped our arms around each other, pulling ourselves together.
"Ethan, I'm sorry," he whispered.
I kissed him, hoping it would shut him up.
"I really am...I"
"Shhh...Justin, it's okay. I know you are. I just...promise me you'll never do something like that again. I thought I'd lost you. I couldn't...I'd rather let you go...please Justin...if you'd died I don't know..." I was crying against him now.
"I'm sorry Ethan...I was...I promise...I'm sorry."
He kissed me and we lay there cuddling. Tears were still streaming down our faces. He was breathing heavily. I pulled back from him just a little so I could stare into his face. He looked so sad.
"Baby, it's...it's going to be okay," I said, trying to convince myself.
"I'm so sorry Ethan. I don't know what I was thinking...I wasn't thinking..." he was almost wailing and I clutched him tightly.
"Justin...don't do this to yourself now...you need to calm down...you're here now...I'm going to take care of you...we're going to work it all out...whatever it takes. I want you happy again."
"It's never going to be okay..." he sobbed.
"We'll figure out something baby, whatever it takes."
"I'm sorry."
"Baby...you've been fighting this alone for too long. We're all going to work together and fix this for you? Okay?"
"Okay," he said still crying.
"Shhh," I whispered, trying to sooth him while kissing him.
We lay there together, his crying slowing and his breathing coming under control.
"Maybe if I came out..." he began.
"Shhh...Justin...Let's not...let's not talk about it tonight okay? You need your rest. We all need some rest, and then we can figure it all out. We'll talk about it tomorrow when you're better."
"Okay..." he nodded, and lay there quietly for a few minutes. I held him in my arms, pulling him tightly into me. I felt his breathing slow as he drifted off to sleep. After about ten minutes he was asleep, but I couldn't sleep yet. I lay there, feeling him close to me, feeling him breathing, and running my hand through the hair of his head.
I felt grateful. Happier than I'd felt in months. I'd nearly lost him. He could have died. But here he was, warm and soft, steadily breathing beside me, and I would have one more night with him. It was all I wanted.
I leaned in and kissed his neck and then lightly rubbed my lips down his neck and along part of his shoulder. I heard a slight noise and looked up and saw Justin's Mother standing in the doorway. She blushed and turned away and then I saw my Mother standing beside her. My Mother whispered something to Lynn and then she crept in quietly and came over to my side of the bed. She crouched down.
"We just wanted to check on our boys," she whispered, "Everything okay?"
"Yes," I nodded, "he's asleep."
"Need anything?"
"No."
"There will be someone up if you need something," she whispered, an acknowledgement that we were going to have to keep watch on Justin until the okay from his therapist.
I nodded. I nearly said I didn't think it was necessary.
"Everything else is taken care of, you get some rest too," she said, and kissed me on the head.
"Mom," I whispered, "if Lynn wants to come in and check on him she can."
My Mom nodded and she quietly withdrew. A couple of seconds later Lynn came in and crept over beside Justin. I pulled my head back and took my hand off his head so I wasn't on top of him, but I stayed cuddled to him as I thought moving might wake him. She stared at him for a moment and reached out and ran her hand over his face, then she leaned down and kissed his cheek. As she straightened up she caught my eye and smiled at me and mouthed 'Good night' to me.
After she left I snuggled up against Justin and fell asleep.
------------------------------- To be continued...
My other stories:
High School: Do What You Can
Celebrity: Boy Bands: Birthday Blues
Celebrity: Boy Bands: Chasing Matt