All the Ways I Love You
This story is about male/male relationships and contains graphic descriptions of sex.
You should not read this story if it is in any way illegal due to your age or residence.
This is a work of pure fiction. It mixes fictional characters and events with real people. However any real person mentioned in this work is purely an actor playing a part. This story in no way is meant to imply anything about the sexuality, personality, or behavior of the actual person.
Copyright 2003 Jason Calme. This story is the sole property of its author and may not be copied in whole or in part or posted on any website without the permission of the author.
Questions and commentary can be sent to "JasonCalme@yahoo.com".
Chapter 6.
Getting up and going out and doing something, anything, was probably better than just sitting in bed all day. So I pulled myself together and took a shower.
The three of us went to a quiet little eatery down the street for breakfast. But we didn't know what to talk about. Abby and Tony didn't seem to have anything much to say, and I had nothing to say. We pointedly didn't talk about Justin.
After breakfast we decided to go down to the waterfront and walk about. It was a beautiful day. The sky was blue with light puffy clouds. More than once it occurred to me that this was the kind of wonderful day that should be spent with someone you loved.
But I didn't have anyone.
Of course, I didn't have anyone yesterday either. So why was I so upset? Why had it meant so much to me? It was a one night thing. Nothing more, nothing less. Fuck! I should have been happy. I'd just gone to bed with Justin Timberlake. How many could say that?
My pessimistic side said quite a few, if this was how he usually acted.
"Hey!" said Tony, waking me from my thoughts. Tony and Abby had been chatting away and I had just been trailing along behind them. Looking at this and that, not really paying much attention to what they were talking about.
"What? I said. He'd stopped walking and I came up beside him and he lightly punched me on the shoulder.
"You should call the Enquirer!" he said and gave me a huge smile.
"Why?" I said. Tony had a very warped sense of humor. Sometimes it was funny, and sometimes it was over the top. Either way, I wasn't really in the mood today.
"Come on!" he said. "Justin Timberlake gay! That's big news. You could make a lot of money out of this."
"Yeah, sure," I said, rolling my eyes and walking on.
"I'm not kidding," he said.
"Leave him alone," said Abby.
"What?" said Tony turning to Abby, then he turned back to me. "If nothing else it could be great for your career."
"You're serious?" I said.
"Yeah!"
"How would having a one-night stand with Justin Timberlake help my career? Like I'm some groupie or something?"
I think Tony saw I was hurt. "Well, you could still make money from the story," he said defensively. Sometimes Tony didn't really think things through. He'd just blurt out something he'd thought of, and then he'd consider the consequences.
"Well," I said smiling briefly to let him know I wasn't annoyed, "I ain't gonna do it. He was a jerk, but I'm not going to act like one back...as tempting as the thought might be!"
"Better to forget him and move on," said Abby. "Hey, you know, there's this really cute guy that just started at my office."
"Uh huh," I said noncommittally. I hated being set up with people. It was always so awkward. "So you think he's gay?"
"I'd bet money on it," she said smiling.
"We should have him over for dinner," said Tony, and they spent the next five minutes conspiring together until I got sick of it and told them to drop it. I was on the rebound from Justin and I knew nothing was going to measure up for a while. I'd have to wait for the memories of last night to go away.
We almost went out to the Statute of Liberty, but the crowds were large and we put it off for another day.
It was about 3 when we hopped on the train to go back home. Abby and Tony invited me to stay the night. I think Abby was worried that I was going to crawl into a cocoon and stay there for a month or two, but I assured them I was fine and that I wanted to get back to my place for a bit.
After making me promise to call or just come over if I needed them, they jumped off the train at their stop and I rode on home.
There's a little Chinese market near me, and I stopped in to buy a few things for dinner. I couldn't remember what was in my refrigerator, but it probably wasn't much. I often do my shopping on demand. I keep telling myself I should get more organized, but I just can't think that far ahead, and besides, I hate struggling back to the apartment with lots of bags. Lots of little trips are easier.
I spent some time debating what I'd cook that night. I could get something frozen, or I could be adventurous and make something from scratch. I couldn't make up my mind, so I decided not to decide, and bought something frozen and some stuff to make a chicken stir-fry.
There was no mail in the box, and nothing interesting scattered on the floor. I thought about using the elevator, as it was on the ground floor ready to go...no waiting. They'd had someone in fixing it a few days ago. I wasn't sure if that meant it was more likely to work, or that it was more likely to fail. I decided to get the exercise.
Rounding the last turn in the stairs before my floor, I could see part of my door and what looked like a leg. As I got to the top of the stairs I saw someone sitting, leaning against my door, wearing a familiar hooded sweatshirt and sunglasses. His head was leaning back and it looked like he was sleeping, though I couldn't tell through the sunglasses.
I came to a stop just beside him and watched him sitting there, breathing slowly.
"Justin?" I called quietly.
He startled and looked up, then quickly clambered up, rubbing himself and looking a bit stiff. He reached up and took off the sunglasses, and pulled down the hood to look at me. He looked a little sleepy, and his eyes were a little red, a little hollow looking. He looked really tired. I absently thought that he couldn't have gotten any sleep after he had left me.
"Hey," he said softly, a little nervously, looking at me and then down at his feet. I didn't know what to say to him. I was a ball of conflicting emotions. Half of me wanted to scoop him up and hug him, and part of me wanted to go inside and slam the door in his face. So I just stood there saying nothing.
He finally looked up at me and sucked in his breath. "I really fucked up..." he almost whispered to me, and I stared into his eyes and saw a pleading look in them. "I...I'm sorry about this morning, I was an asshole" he went on, "I...I wondered if you could forgive me?" and he hung his head and blushed.
I didn't know what to do. Well, I'd already forgiven him. As soon as I saw him on my doorstep I was ready to do anything to keep him around, but I didn't want him to know that. I didn't want to be his doormat, but I didn't want to be a jerk about forgiving him either. I could think of any number of reasons why he might have panicked and fled this morning. I could understand and forgive that. But I was still a little hurt and wanted him to know that.
And I didn't know if he wanted to be forgiven and go back to just being friends, or if he wanted to continue where we left off.
"Ah...well why don't you come in and we can talk about it," I said.
He looked up hopefully, "Okay," he said, a small smile on his face.
I tried to find my keys and Justin reached out to take my shopping bags. I handed them to him and unlocked the door, walking inside with Justin following behind.
It felt funny to be back in my apartment. It felt like so much had happened since I'd last been there. I turned and saw Justin standing in the hallway holding the bags and unsure of what to do. I walked up close to him so we were almost nose-to-nose. I could feel his breath on my face as we stood there, staring into each other's eyes. He didn't say anything, but he didn't flinch either, and I felt as though it was safe to make a move.
"I'll take those," I said, and still staring into his eyes I reached down so that my hands were on his. Instead of taking the bags I wrapped my hands around his and pulled backward so that his body nudged into mine. As his head came closer I leaned my head over slightly and closed my eyes, kissing him on the lips as I pulled him into me. He was tentative at first but then he leaned into me, and he was kissing me with as much energy and enthusiasm as I was kissing him. We were almost consuming each other, chewing on each other's lips. Justin squatted a little and dropped the bags to the floor, and then stood back up, and we wrapped our arms around each other, entwining our bodies together. He was gulping air and I could feel his hardness in his jeans. My arms were wrapped around his back and his chest was against mine and it felt so right, but I couldn't just jump back into bed with him.
I stopped and pulled back from him. His eyes were still closed and he was lost in the moment, feeling himself against me and moaning softly. He leant forward, trying to restart the kissing, but I softly blew on his lips and he opened his eyes. He smiled at me.
"We should talk," I said, and his face tightened. "It's okay," I tried to reassure him, but I could feel him shaking a little. I let go of his right hand but held on to his left and pulled him down the hallway.
He was reluctant to follow. "What about the groceries?" he asked a little plaintively.
"They can wait," I said, leading him to the couch and nudging him to sit down. I sat down next to him, sitting close and then taking both his hands in mine. He looked down at our linked hands and smiled, then slowly looked up to face me.
"I'm sorry...really, really sorry..." he began again.
"I can see," I said softly, "want to tell me what happened?"
"Ahh...," he paused.
"I just want to understand what you were thinking...why you..."
"Why I panicked?" he asked, a nervous smile on his face.
"Something like that," I nodded.
"Well I..." he paused and I squeezed his hands gently, "I really wanted to...you know, do what we did..."
"I could tell," I laughed a little and he smiled.
"It's just...I don't know what I...if I'm..." he trailed off.
"If you're gay?"
He looked at me and shook his head a little, his eyes wet, "No...it's...I don't know if I can BE gay."
"If you can be gay?" I asked, unsure what he meant.
"Well...this is going to sound..."
"It's okay," I reassured him, "just say it."
"Well my career...and my family...and everything...I don't know if I can do it," and he trailed off and just sat there, a single tear rolling down his cheek.
With my right hand I reached up slowly to his face. He looked up startled, as though he thought I might hit him. He pulled back as I reached closer, but then he realized what I was doing, and I slowly and gently wiped up the tear with my finger.
"I understand," I said, "hey, it's not easy being gay for anyone, and it must be a thousand times worse for someone in the public eye."
He looked at me, his eyes watery.
"I don't know what to do," he almost croaked.
"About?"
"About you...I don't think I can be gay...but I can't stop thinking about you either."
"I can't stop thinking about you either," I said, and he smiled a soft, brittle smile, and looked awfully fragile. "Justin, I want you to be happy...and I would love to date you...I think I...I think I know how difficult that will be for you..."
He looked up, a rueful expression on his face.
"Okay..." I smiled at him, "maybe I have no idea what it will be like...but I'm willing to do pretty much whatever it takes to be there for you if you just let me in...let me know what you're thinking and what's going on."
"I don't know," he almost squeaked, "it would be really hard for us...I can't come out...you're not going to get me to come out."
"I'm not going to ask you to...and I'll do whatever I can to keep your secret...our secret...I'm willing to give it a try if you are...I think you're worth a little extra effort," and I leaned over and gave him a little kiss on the cheek.
He smiled at me tightly and nodded his head slightly.
"Ok," he said and then collapsed against me, sobbing into my shoulder. I hugged him tightly, running my hands up and down his back and pulling him close and whispering that it was going to be okay. I wanted to say that I loved him but I worried that I was pushing things too quickly, and might even freak him out some more.
After a few minutes he started to pull himself together. He pulled back a little.
"Sorry," he said.
"No need to apologize."
"You must think I'm a big wuss," he said.
"No," I shook my head, "I just think you're big!" and I slipped my hand between his legs as though I was going to grope him and he stiffened a little. I patted his leg and then moved my hand away, pulling him into a hug and then gently pushing his head down and kissing the top of his head.
"I better get the groceries put away," I said. "You staying for dinner?"
Justin looked down, "I'm sorry, I have to catch a plane..."
"Oh, when does it leave?"
"I was supposed to be on the 2 o'clock, but I've been changing the reservation. I've got to be on the 8 o'clock, and I still have to go back to the hotel...if I don't make this one I can't get out until tomorrow morning which will be too late."
I was disappointed. Making up is no fun if it has to be done quickly.
"So you have to leave now?" I asked.
He looked at his watch, and his shoulders slumped. "In half an hour at the latest," he said sadly.
"Oh..." I thought, half an hour...what to do with half an hour? Well, I was guessing that going to bed was probably not the best thing given the circumstances. "Well," I said, "want to watch me cook dinner? We can talk some more..."
He looked at me with an amused grin and shrugged his shoulders, "Sure, why not?"
"Come on then," I said getting up. Doing something was the best thing I thought. It would take our minds a bit off the emotional issues, and make things a little less tense.
"What can I do?" he asked following me back down the hall.
"Why don't you grab the bags," I said stepping into the kitchen, "and then you can put the stuff away."
"Uh...okay."
He went and got the bags while I went and looked in the refrigerator. I was right, there was practically nothing worth eating in there. Nothing to snack on either.
"You want a drink?" I asked him as he came in, putting the bags on the kitchen table.
"No, I don't think I should be drinking," he said.
"I have soda, juice, milk or water."
"Oh, okay. What soda do you have?"
"Not much. Why don't you help yourself?"
I grabbed myself a can of Coke and held the door open as he came over and peered in. I opened my can and then stepped back and leaned against the counter, taking a long drink from the can. Justin opened a can and drank from it slowly, then he put down the can and went over to the bag and pulled out a lettuce.
"Where does this go?" he asked.
"In the refrigerator, in the crisper. It's the clear plastic drawer at the bottom..."
"I know that," he said in a whiny voice, obviously annoyed, thinking I thought he was stupid.
"Okay," I said as I watched him put the lettuce away. When he'd finished he went back to the bag and took out a can of tuna and held it up, pointing at it in an exaggerated way and with a big smile as though displaying a prize on a quiz show.
"In the cupboard next to the fridge," I said, and he headed over to put away the can.
"I'm glad you came over," I said to his back.
He turned and smiled. "Me too," he said.
"So what do you want to do?" I asked.
He pulled out the milk, looked at me and rolled his eyes and turned towards the refrigerator.
"I don't know...take it slow I guess," he said.
"I can do that."
"It's going to be slow because I'm not going to be back here for a while."
"How long?" I asked.
He shrugged. "Don't know, I'll try to get back, but if you're coming out to LA..." and he looked up hopefully and smiled.
"Hopefully," I said a little wistfully.
"I'll give you my cell number and email address," he said.
"I've already got it."
"Oh...right." He stood watching me. "Are you going to do anything or am I doing all the work?" he asked, putting his hands on his hips.
"Hey, I'm working here," I laughed. "I'm watching you! It's hard work too," I said, stressing the word hard. He rolled his eyes and pulled something else out of the bags. "You know it'd go faster if you took more than one thing at a time," I said.
"Yeah, but that'd cut down on your fun," he said, walking back towards the refrigerator and deliberately shaking his butt as he walked.
I took another drink as he turned and came back to the bags, hunting through them. I idly thought that I should tell him to leave out the things I was going to use for dinner, but what was the fun in that?
He stood poking about in one of the bags, seemingly lost in thought, then looked up at me. "I spoke to my Mom," he said.
"Your Mom?" I repeated, "about what?" I asked, though it was clear what it must have been about.
"About...things...and you."
"So how did that go?"
"She thinks I need help," he said quietly.
"I thought you did just fine on your own," I joked, but he barely grinned at me. "It's not really any of my business, but if you want to tell me what happened..."
"What happened when you told your parents?" Justin asked me, changing the subject a bit.
"Well, it was...I guess it went okay. I was 17 when I decided I had to tell them, but then I couldn't bring myself to do it."
"So what did you do?"
"I wrote them a letter and went and stayed with a friend for the weekend."
Justin grinned. "You did?"
"Yeah. I think I thought that they'd have some time to come to terms with it, and if they didn't, well I wouldn't go back. I didn't tell my friend because, well no one knew, but I was expecting my parents to call after they got home and found the note. I was a bundle of nerves all afternoon!"
"What happened?" Justin asked, clearly engrossed in the story.
"My Mom came over and took me home," I shrugged. "Said she loved me and we had to talk about it. Oh, my Mom's a child psychologist, did I tell you that?" Justin shook his head. "Anyway Mom was pretty cool about it. I mean they were both pretty good."
Maybe that was exaggerating. It had been awkward at first, and my Dad, well he wasn't the kind to scream or get angry or kick me out, but it had been hard for him. Still, compared to other stories I'd heard, it went pretty well.
"I'm not sure," I went on, "maybe my Mom suspected it, but it was a big shock for my Dad. I think my Mom kind of wished that I wasn't gay so my life would be easier, but she's never said that, and she's really supportive. My Dad, he loves me and supports me, but I felt he was kind of...I don't know...disappointed. The first couple of years...we didn't speak much, but since then he's really tried to fix our relationship and I feel a whole lot better about it. But it was hard for a while."
"You're lucky. You're Mom being a...well that must have made it easier," said Justin.
"Why do you say that?" I asked.
"I don't know, I just thought...she being a psychologist she'd be more understanding."
I shrugged. "Well, my Mom is very understanding. But I never felt like I had a patient doctor relationship with her, you know? It's a very different thing. And anyway, I think it's one thing when you're no relation to a person. It's easier to be understanding when they do things you don't agree with."
Justin nodded and smiled. "What about your...you've got a brother right?" Justin asked.
"A brother and sister. They both know, though I didn't tell my brother until last year because he's a lot younger than me. He's 14. They've been great. My brother pretty much ignores it - which I'm fine with - and my sister just treats me like her dumb brother."
"You're lucky," he said wistfully.
"You know," I said, "your mother might be right." Justin raised his eyebrows. "Maybe you should see a therapist," I continued. "Of course, since my mother works in the industry, I might just be doing my bit to support them!"
"You're joking?" he said.
"No. It might really help to talk to someone who doesn't have a personal connection to you."
Justin nodded. "I think my Mom had in mind someone who would persuade me it was just a phase I was going through, or some experimenting."
"Oh..."
"She...she's worried about my career and, well, she doesn't think you should be...gay" he choked out the last word and then snatched something out of the bag and walked over and threw it in the refrigerator.
He closed the door, standing there with his back to me.
"What would you have done if your parents had disowned you?" he asked quietly.
I walked over to him and put my hands on his shoulders. He was shaking slightly and close to tears. "Did she say she was going to do that?"
"No," he said trying not to cry and wiping his eyes with his hands. I turned him around and pulled him into a hug.
"I don't know," I said, "I had thought I would just run off to the city, get a job somehow, and live my life without them. Looking back on it I think I was just fanaticizing. I think I knew that no matter what happened they wouldn't kick me out. Maybe they wouldn't love me any more. Maybe I thought that." As I said that Justin sobbed against my shoulder, and I patted his back.
"But you know, I think most parents, even if they are disappointed in how things turn out or the choices you make, they still love you. You just have to give them time to get over the shock and remember that."
"I just felt so bad after I told her," he sobbed. I hugged him and rubbed his back, moving one hand up to rub over his hair.
"It's not your fault. You are what you are," I whispered. "She'll figure it out eventually."
After a few minutes the sobbing stopped and he pulled away and started to wipe his eyes.
"Here," I said, grabbing a couple of paper towels from the dispenser by the refrigerator and handing them to him. He wiped his eyes.
"You might want to think about the therapist," I said quietly.
"You sound like my mother," he joked.
"I just want what's best for you," I said.
"You are my mother!" he said semi accusingly, then laughed a little and blew his nose.
I looked at the clock. "It's close to your pumpkin time," I said.
He looked up at the clock on the wall and nodded.
"I'm sorry I can't stay," he said sadly.
"That's okay."
"All I've done is cry on your shoulder. You're going to think I'm..." and I held up my finger to his mouth to shut him up.
"I'm going to think you're a sensitive, caring guy who's trying to figure out what he's about, and who I care about a whole lot."
Justin smiled and pulled me into a hug and we just squeezed each other for several minutes, kissing quickly before we pulled apart.
"I better go," he whispered.
"Okay," I said softly and pulled him into a long kiss.
"I really have to go," he said again, and I nodded and he leaned in and kissed me again.
We went down the hall, a step at a time, kissing as we went, until we got to the door and we pulled apart. I opened the door for him and he stepped out and turned to face me, standing a respectable distance apart. I stood in the doorway. He smiled at me.
"Thanks," he said, and I smiled back at him.
"Welcome," I said.
Then he quickly looked around to make sure no one was around and leaned in and kissed me quickly.
"See you," he said, and he turned and started down the stairs. I stood in the doorway, watching him go.
"Call me!" I shouted out to him.
He paused and looked back.
"I will!" he called, and then waved and continued on his way, looking back and smiling a couple of times as he went down the stairs. I watched him disappear and then I closed the door and went back into my apartment, my heart feeling like it was going to jump out of my chest and fly away.
I walked into the living room and didn't know what to do. I was tingly. I wanted to do something. Run around screaming! Open the window and yell! Call all my friends! Something!
I went over to the CD player and turned it on. I was kind of bouncing about, looking at the stack of CDs, trying to find the perfect song for my mood. I saw the CD I wanted and pulled out the disc and popped it into the player. I hit Play and jumped it forward to the track I wanted.
Johnny Nash wailed out of the speakers,
I can see clearly now the rain is gone
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone all the dark clouds that made me blind
It's gonna be a bright, bright, sun shiny day
It's gonna be a bright, bright, sun shiny day
I bounced around the room. I couldn't dance worth shit but I loved to bounce to music. Just sort of jumping around. I turned it up a little louder, mindful not to annoy the neighbors. But it was still daytime. And I felt so good. Felt so happy.
I nearly didn't hear the knocking on the door.
I was jumping up and down and I heard a sound, but the music was so loud I couldn't place it. Then I heard it again and realized it was the door. I bounced to the door and opened it, still moving to the music.
Justin was standing there with a huge grin on his face.
"Hey!" I said, coming to a stand still, and trying to regain my breath, the music suddenly seemed very loud.
"I forgot my hat," Justin said.
"Oh, come on in," I said, smiling. A little embarrassed.
Justin came in, obviously listening to the music, his head bobbing a little, a huge smile on his face.
"I was just...I was listening," I said.
"I can hear," he smiled. "You like this?"
I gave him a look to say, 'don't be so stupid, of course I do,' and he smirked. The song was starting to fade away.
"It's cool," he said, and went over to the CD player and hit a button. The song started again and he turned and came back towards me, slowly moving to the music.
He came up in front of me and smiled. "Dance with me," he said, and I blushed.
"No," I said, "I don't dance."
"So what were you doing before?"
I blushed.
"Come on!" he said, "just move to the music, it's not a competition," and he smiled and started to move to the music and I just stood there watching him and feeling very self-conscious.
He slowly brought his arms up, weaving them through the air in time to the music and placing his hands gently on my shoulders, and he stepped closer and he was pushing back and forth lightly against me.
He was grinning at me, trying to encourage me to follow him, and I couldn't help but smile back. But I put my hands up and gave him a little shove. I didn't really want to dance in front of him.
He frowned a little, and then pulled me closer to him, and suddenly we were moving around. Justin doing most of the moving, while I was trying to move with him. And then he let go of me and jumped up and down a few times and was grinning at me like an idiot and it was so funny to watch him do it. I just followed him and started bouncing about, felling less self-conscious, and getting into the music.
The song came to an end but Justin bounced over and started it up again, turning it up a bit louder, and we were off again. Jumping about, almost dancing, bouncing into each other, laughing and so happy. Justin came up behind me and hugged me quickly and then bounced off again and I turned and followed him around, trying to catch him. He was laughing when I finally caught him and I hugged him tightly and we kissed.
In an instant we were no longer dancing; we were clawing at each other. Kissing hard and running our hands up and down each other's bodies.
I was chewing on his lips, his mouth open and our tongues dancing back and forth. I was yanking at his shirt, trying to get it out of his pants, and he was squeezing me through my pants. This was going to get really hot, really fast. I was pushing him against the wall, grinding into him.
"Oh shit!" exclaimed Justin and I pulled away from him. "I'm gonna miss the plane if we do this," he said, looking at his watch.
I looked at him. He was flushed and breathing hard. He was obviously aroused. But he also looked anxious.
I nodded, and leaned in to kiss him quickly. "Then you better get going," I said.
"It's okay?" he asked. He looked worried.
"No," I said smiling, "I want you really bad, but I know you've got to go. It's okay."
He smiled and kissed me back. "Sorry," he whispered. "I'll make it up to you next time."
"Kay."
We straightened ourselves up. Justin tucked his shirt back into his pants. And then I escorted him to the door.
We were back at the door. Repeating what we'd only done ten minutes ago.
"Your cap!" I said, and I rushed back to the living room and came back with his hat, holding it out to him. He smiled and took it from me and then pulled me into another hug.
And then finally he was gone.
"Hello?" I said.
"Hey!" came Abby's voice through the phone.
"What's up?" I said. It had been about an hour since Justin had left and I was still high on the experience. I'd been trying to make dinner, but was just so happy and excited I couldn't concentrate. I kept bouncing off to do something else.
I was crazy in love. I had it so bad.
"Well I was searching the Internet and I found an interview with Mr. Heartbreak," said Abby.
"Huh?"
"Justin."
"Oh," I said.
Now here would be the point where I should have jumped in and said that Justin had come over, we'd patched things up, and everything was - mostly - okay. But no, I decided to sit on it for a bit.
"It's just an excerpt from a Rolling Stone interview from a few months ago."
"Uh huh."
"Do you want to hear it?" she asked.
"Um...sure."
"Well, I won't read you the whole thing, I've sent you the link, but he's a real momma's boy. A spoilt only child. You'd have been asking for trouble. Only children are the worst."
"Hey!" I heard Tony call out faintly in the background and Abby laughed. Tony was an only child and Abby constantly ribbed him about it.
"Hey Ethan," came Tony's voice. He'd obviously picked up another extension. "Don't listen to her. We only children have many redeeming qualities..."
"And those would be?" Abby asked warily.
"We know what we want!" said Tony.
"As if!" hooted Abby.
"So you two called me up to have an argument?" I said.
"Listen to this," said Tony, "it says here, 'He claims to never have been a frequent masturbator,'"
"Well now we know he's a liar too!" said Abby laughing.
"Yeah, well then it goes on, yada, yada, 'I don't feel guilty about it,' he says, ah, 'I always like to do everything at its best, and that just seems like settling, doesn't it?'" Tony paused, then added, "What a jerk,'' and he laughed.
"Well," I said, "it sounds like he doesn't want to be a jerk."
"Yeah, well so he hangs out with you 'cause he doesn't want to masturbate?" said Abby.
I felt a little hurt by that. In a backhanded way I kind of felt like she was saying the only reason he wanted to be with me was because he didn't like masturbating. As though I was a step up from masturbation, but not much else.
But I knew they were just trying to help me get over him.
"That's nothing," said Tony, "listen to what he says about his Mother, 'She's always been there beside me, and I think that's part of my problem with girls. You keep searching for somebody as good as your mother, and that's a losing battle.'"
"See," interjected Abby, "he can't find his Mother, so now he's trying other things."
For a moment I wondered if that meant Justin thought I was like his Mother. Best not to think about this too much.
"I found some other things he's said about Britney after the breakup," said Abby. "There's one site that says Britney thought she was pregnant and..."
"Hey guys, guys," I interrupted. This was starting to get vicious. "You don't have to tear him down, okay? I'm okay. I am."
"You are?" said Abby. I think she'd finally noticed I wasn't as depressed as I had been.
"Uh...yeah, actually I'm really okay now," I said, smiling into the phone.
"You are?" said Tony.
"Yeah."
"How come?" asked Abby
"What? I can't be okay?"
"Of course you can be!" said Abby. "It's just, this is so unlike you Ethan. What happened?"
"What makes you think something happened?" I said defensively. What did she mean this was unlike me?
"Because you sound too happy. What happened?" said Abby.
"Nothing," I said, giggling.
"Now I know something happened," said Tony. "Spill it!"
"It's nothing," I protested.
"What is it? Come on, you have to tell us!" said Abby.
"He was here," I said.
"What!" said Abby.
"Shit!" said Tony.
"When I got back. He was waiting for me. Said he was sorry for being a jerk. He was trying to figure things out. He was...we had a really great talk and..."
"And?" said Tony. "You two went at it?"
"I'm not telling. But we're going to try and...well...date."
"Try and date?" said Abby, not sounding convinced.
"Well, he's not going to be here for a while. It's going to be kind of long distance dating."
"Are you sure that's a good idea?" said Abby, "I mean, he's a great looking guy, and it must be thrilling and all, but don't you think, maybe it's going to be a little difficult?"
"Yes, call me stupid!" I said.
"Hey Stupid!" said Tony.
"Thanks," I said.
"Well," said Abby, "I'm glad for you that he came back. I hope it works out, I do Ethan. And if there's anything we can do."
"Thanks Abby, you already did a whole lot!"
"Damn! And I went and found all this terrible stuff about him," she said a little wistfully.
"Uh, well I hope most of it's not true."
"Can I just read you a couple more?" said Tony, laughing wickedly.
"No! I don't want to hear it!"
We talked a little more. Abby made me promise to keep her informed of what happened. I think she believed me when I said I would.
Of course, I wouldn't.
The next two weeks were frustration. True to his word, Justin did call me the next day, and it set in motion a stream of emails and phone calls back and forth between us. Most of them were kind of casual. We were still both rather shy and nervous with each other. A lot of the time we just talked about what we were doing or something we'd seen. We didn't talk a lot about feelings or anything. I guess we were hoping to get together and explore things like that.
But the trip I was supposed to take to LA got moved back a month (damn!) and Justin couldn't find a good cover story for coming to New York. He didn't want to tell anyone the real reason why he was coming, so he needed to have a meeting or appearance scheduled. He tried to set up a couple of things but the record company kept messing things up, calling to say 'oh, we moved that back.' I think Justin could have done it with just a little bit of pushing, but he was so worried someone would suspect something that he wouldn't push at all.
And he was still trying to figure out what he wanted to do. I could tell he really wanted to have a relationship with me, but that wasn't his only concern. His career was the giant elephant in the room that we tiptoed around when we talked about how to handle things.
The other elephant was his Mother. She was just as much of a problem as she tried to persuade him he should be straight.
I got it all second hand, so I didn't really know what was going on between them. I kind of suspected that in her own way she did have his best interests at heart, and maybe wasn't reacting as badly as a lot of parents do, but Justin was obviously hurting because he felt he was disappointing her. Well, he wouldn't be the first kid that had to deal with that kind of thing. He had to grow up and deal with it somehow. I just tried my best not to get between him and his mother. I knew the last thing I should do was tell him to ignore his Mother and live his life the way he wanted. Maybe I sometimes felt I should say it, but I wasn't going to.
By the end of the second week, I had other things to distract me. I was getting ready for a book reading at a bookstore down town. I was always nervously excited before book readings. I didn't really like doing them, but then I knew it was an important thing to do, and I worked hard at doing good ones. I promoted them through my website, and even put up flyers and sent notices to papers and to the mailing list I had been maintaining. I always dreaded the thought that I'd turn up to one and there would only be two or three people there.
Justin had told me that he hated the promotional part of his business. But promotion for him consisted of going to interviews and being asked stupid questions. He had people to handle promotion and all the little details. Promotion for me consisted of a lot of legwork, then reading selections from my books. Then I was asked stupid questions.
Okay! Maybe they weren't always stupid. A lot of them were pretty good, and I shouldn't put down my readers. Ninety-nine point nine-nine percent of them I was grateful for. But there was always at least one person who had some strange question.
I arrived at the bookstore for the reading an hour early. Of course, that just meant more time to stand around being nervous. But it also gave me time to meet the person running the event - a middle-aged woman named Julie who was really nice - and see where everything was. Get the lay of the land, so to speak.
A couple of my friends, Paul who's a painter, and Jeanie, who I met at a place where I did some work editing tech manuals last year, were going to come too. So with a bit of luck there would be more than two people at the reading. Counting Julie, there'd be at least three!
It was a fairly large bookstore, and they had a small area where they set up chairs for the reading, with a portable podium and a small sound system at the front. This wasn't the big time. No cameras from C-Span. No appearance on Booknotes. But there was a table at the side with a stack of books, and with a bit of luck a few people might actually buy the book and I'd get to sign some.
About fifteen minutes before hand, people started drifting in, and by the time we began there were maybe fifty people there. I was almost giddy. I'd never had that many people come to a reading before. I began to wonder if they had come by mistake, or someone had advertised that there was free food. But no! When I was introduced no one got up to leave, and I got up and, shaking off the last of my nervousness, started reading a piece from my first book.
The first book is a collection of short stories. It feels really good to be able to say 'my first book.' It sounds so much more like you're a 'real' writer when you can say that.
As I read, a few more people came in and sat down. Some of them arriving late, and others who were in the store and decided to come over and see what all the fuss was. Since I was reading the piece, and getting rather wrapped up in it, I didn't really notice who arrived until I finished the section and looked up at the crowd as they politely clapped.
I was running my eyes over the crowd, once again marveling at how large it was, when I noticed a familiar looking sweatshirt, glasses and baseball cap. Justin was sitting in the last row, a little slumped in the chair, I think trying to blend in with the crowd.
I nearly dropped the book I was holding. It took me a second or two to gather myself together and move on to the next selection.
I don't really remember the rest of the reading. All I could do was try very hard not to look at Justin, or think too much about the fact that he was there. Afterward, Paul and Jeanie said I was really good. They thought it was the best reading I'd ever given. Paul had been to two, and Jeannie had only been to one, so I don't know how accurate their assessment was.
It seemed to take forever, and yet it seemed to flash by. It was the weirdest experience, but finally Julie asked for a last question and then I went to a table and signed books. I kept glancing over at Justin, who remained in his chair. Then I finished signing a book and looked up and he was looking at some books in a shelf. A few moments later I looked up and I couldn't see him anywhere. There were still several people in line waiting to talk to me, so I couldn't jump up and run after him. He hadn't gone, surely?
Paul and Jeannie came over and were standing slightly to the side waiting for me to finish. We were going to go out and have lunch afterwards. I was finally down to the last person in the line and still no sign of Justin. I chatted briefly with the man in a black hat that had thrust a book in front of me. I kept wishing he'd hurry along, but he was in no hurry and I didn't want to be rude. I signed the book, putting a little inscription first, while casually running my eye over the now almost empty room. Just a couple of seconds and I'd be done and I could search the place. He must still be here I convinced myself.
I was just finishing my signature when someone walked behind me and joined the end of the line. Shit! I just wanted to get this over with! I handed the book to the guy in the hat, and then turned to the new person and smiled. Justin was standing there wearing a big smile and he handed me a copy of my book.
"Hi!" he said.
"Hey! Thanks for coming," I said smiling up at him and lost in his eyes for a moment. I snapped out of it after a moment. "You buy this?" I asked. It was the first book. I'd already given him a copy of the second book when I'd been out in LA, but I hadn't gotten around to giving him this one.
"Yeah," he nodded.
"I would have given you one," I said.
"I wanted to buy it," he smiled.
"Would you like me to make it out to someone?" I asked in my best serious-author-at-a-book-reading voice.
"Me."
"Okay," and I wrote 'To Justin, the greatest golfer I know - From Ethan, the worst golfer you know. Best Wishes, Ethan.' Then I stood up and handed the book back to him. He'd put his sunglasses back on so I couldn't see his eyes, but he grabbed the book, putting his hands over mine and squeezing a couple of times, then let go and dropped the book down in front of him.
"Why didn't you tell me you were coming?" I asked.
"I wasn't sure if it would work out. I didn't want to get your hopes up. Sorry."
"That's okay. It's the best surprise I've had in a long while," I said grinning. He smiled back and I wanted to hug him but knew I couldn't do it here.
"So you free this afternoon?" I whispered.
"Yeah," he whispered back.
"A couple of my friends are here and we were going out for lunch. I can bag it if you don't want to go."
"No, I'll come," he said.
"Ahh...how should I introduce you?" I asked. I was still embarrassed about the way I'd treated him with Abby and Tony, and we hadn't really talked about how to introduce him to friends.
"Ahh..." and he blushed, "as a friend?"
"Okay, but what about who you are? Do you want me to say this is Justin from NSYNC, or Justin Timberlake or just Justin?"
"Oh, whatever you want," he said stepping back a little as Paul and Jeannie came over to tell me how great the reading went. Paul was going on and on about it, but I could see Jeannie eyeing the guy in sunglasses who was still standing waiting. She also cast some glances at Justin's minder, a large guy who was standing over by an isle, watching Justin and scanning the bookstore.
"You were great" Jeannie gushed, turning to look at Justin.
I guessed that now was the time. "Hey guys, I want you to meet a friend of mine," I said and I turned to Justin and waved him to come closer.
"Paul, Jeannie, this is my friend Justin...Timberlake." I said his last name a little quietly and quickly, perhaps thinking they'd miss it, but I saw Jeanie's eyes widen a little when I said that. "Justin this is Paul and Jeannie," I went on as Justin and Paul shook hands, "Paul's an oil painter, does amazing work. He almost failed the writing class we were in together, and Jeannie's a web developer, and a great designer. Justin...ah Justin is in the music business,"
As I said that Justin took off his sunglasses and Jeannie gasped just a little. There was a nervous silence as we all stood there with no one sure of what to say.
"So shall we go?" I said and they all nodded and I went over and said a quick goodbye and thank you to Julie for organizing the event. She said it went really well and to let her know when my next book came out, as they would love to have me come back again.
I was almost floating on air as we walked out. The reading went well, and my boyfriend - was he my boyfriend? - was visiting, and the day was still young.
---------- I Can See Clearly Now by Johnny Nash All lyrics are the property and copyright of their owners
To be continued...