I woke up in a cold sweat, a vision of Elijah's ear to ear smile in my head, and the front of my boxers embarrassingly sticky.
Sensing someone's presence in the room, my eyes shot open wide, praying I wouldn't see him standing there.
"Oh my god, dude. Looks like you need to get that chick in the sack with you before you go crazy."
It was Andrew, and he was chuckling at me.
"You sure you don't want me to crash somewhere else for a night? You look like you got it bad. ...or maybe had it bad."
I rolled over onto my side and didn't say a word.
"I'll be out of town next Saturday. If I was thinking about getting married," he continued, "well let's just say I'd never buy a car without taking it for a test drive first."
He must have just gotten in, because I heard his bed groan and his sheets ruffle as he lie down. It was 5:00 AM and I was wide awake.
I hate when a song keeps running through your mind and the harder you try not to sing it, the more it keeps repeating itself. That's what it felt like as I kept trying to force myself to think about Shelly, and Elijah's face... his smile... the smell of his coconut shampoo continuously reappeared in mind. "Oh my God," I cried softly, "What's he doing to me? God, you've got to help."
Lying there in the stillness of the early morning, I made up my mind as to what I had to do. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" is just an old wives' tale, I told myself, pondering my decision. In my case, I was sure that absence would force me to forget about him. It meant I would have to pick up another PE course next semester, but some things just can't be helped.
Monday, I called my student advisor and told her that I was dropping the class.
By mid-December, I began wondering if the correct term was "wise tale" and not "wives' tale."
I'd see him around campus sometimes, and we always seemed to give each other this brave little smile. What I felt for him was just stupid – counterfeit infatuation. Shelly and I were almost always together, so she was usually with me when I'd run into him. Thank God for small favors. She's such a wonderful person. She seemed to sense our awkwardness with each other, but never asked about it. She'd just linger patiently at my side while we acknowledged each other's presence and then stroke my hair or softly poke me in the ribs with her elbow as we moved on. I don't know why I always felt like I had to stop walking when we met Elijah ...that I had to say something, because I could never find any words to say. Kind of weird, but like I said, Shelly seemed to understand. She's one in a million. I feel so lucky, knowing God chose such a gracious woman for me. It felt really weird that I was nervous about taking her home to meet my family, because I knew they'd like her.
The semester finally ended, and I was... we were going home.
"Ready to go?" I asked Shelly as I took her bag and stepped into the transit bus that would take us to the Greyhound terminal. My credit had been approved and I was now in possession of a half karat diamond solitaire ring. It made me feel somewhat relieved to know that all the struggles I had endured this past month and a half would soon be behind me forever.
"Ready as I'll ever be," Shelly told me as she planted a wet one on my lips. "Do you really think you're mom'll like me?"
"What wouldn't she like about you? You're the perfect woman."
"Flattery will get you everywhere with me, Carrots."
I saw the bus driver watching us as we exchanged more spit after taking a seat.
"M-m-m-m," was all Shelly said. I just smiled to myself.
"Michelle," my mom gushed as we stepped off the bus in Stirling Heights. "I'm so happy to finally meet you."
Ed was smiling and gave me a huge hug. "Welcome home, son."
"Mom, Ed, this is Michelle Dade. Michelle, this is my mom, Ellen, my step-father, Ed, and my brothers Sammy, and Aaron."
"You can call me Arn, Miss Michelle. That's what everybody calls me," my youngest brother told her as he bashfully held his hand out.
"And everyone calls me Shelly she told him as she shook his hand and then playfully ruffled his hair. "I think I like you already, Arn."
As soon as Shelly was finished doting on him, he excitedly turned to me and announced, "Phil, mom said we could get the Christmas tree tomorrow."
"Cool beans, little man."
Aaron was eight going on nine, but he sure hadn't changed much from the energetic toddler that used to drive me insane by getting into all my stuff.
"You two must be hungry?" mom asked, eyebrows raised.
"Pizza?"
"I think that can be arranged. Pizza Hut okay with you Michelle?"
"I suppose Phillip must have filled you in on my favorite food."
It was like Shelly had been part of the family all her life. She and mom especially hit it off, and were already making plans to go shopping. I began to wonder if I was even going to get to see much of her.
The day before Christmas, I finally made the phone call I had been dreading ever since I decided to propose to Shelly. Mom seemed shocked I hadn't done it before I bought the ring, and even more so when I told her I had never met her family.
"Don't get started off on the wrong foot with them, Phillip. That can be a difficult obstacle to get past later on."
I made my way to Sammy's and Arn's bedroom, and heard Shelly in the next room asking mom where I had disappeared to.
"He has something very important to attend to that he's put off for too long. He should be back in a little while.
"Mr. Dade?" I nervously asked into the phone.
"Yes?"
"Well, um, my name's Phillip Johnson."
"It's him," I heard Shelly's dad whisper before he got the phone away from his mouth.
"The Phillip Johnson?"
"Ah, excuse me?"
"We were wondering when we were going to get to hear from our daughter's handsome prince."
Flabbergasted, all I could manage to say was "huh?"
"Well you're about the only thing Shelly writes about in her emails to us anymore."
"I am?"
"Yes you are. ...and if I'm not being too presumptuous about this phone call, our answer is yes."
"Your answer?" I muttered into the phone.
"I hope I didn't jump the gun."
"Ah, no sir. I guess that's why I called. I wanted to ask you if I could ask Michelle to marry me."
"Well, then Shelly did guess right. Yes! Yes you may."
"I can? Ah... thanks. I promise to only love her – forever. She means an awful lot to me."
"There is one thing we'd like to ask of the two of you, though."
"Yes sir," I said, sort of expecting a lecture on premarital sex.
"We'd like to meet the two of you and have you spend a few days here before you go back to school. Would that be possible? We can send money for bus fare."
If I was nervous before I made the phone call, I was twice as nervous after it ended. This was not getting any easier. The gravity of committing my life to another person for as long as we both lived, seemed... well it just seemed a bit overwhelming at the moment. I wondered for a moment what Elijah would say to me if he knew my plans for that afternoon. Why was I even thinking about him at a time like this? I hope he'll agree to be in our wedding party. That brought a smile to my face, knowing he could still be my "boyfriend;" as Shelly would probably always refer to any of my male friends.
"Shelly?" I asked as soon as I made my way back to the kitchen where she and mom were baking cookies. "I know it's not much time, but could you dress up for lunch? There's this restaurant I've kind of been wanting to take you to, and being Christmas Eve, the only reservation they had for today was at one o'clock.
Shelly looked nervously toward my mom who was glowing with excitement, and then stole a quick kiss from me, almost like she was embarrassed to let mom see it.
Quick instructions for removing the cookies from the oven were given, and that was the last I saw either of them until they both appeared in the kitchen three hours later. I caught my breath when I saw her.
"You look beautiful, Michelle."
Her blushing face, as she stood before me in a crimson red dress, twisted the knot that was already sitting in my stomach tighter. Mom glanced down at the short hemline of Shelly's dress and winced a bit, but to her credit, didn't say anything except to wish us a nice time.
The maître ? smiled warmly as he sat us in front of the glowing fireplace.
"Phillip, this is lovely."
"The food's pretty good, too," I told her, not really knowing what else to say.
We looked over the menu, and then ordered an artichoke dip to share as our appetizer.
I reached across the table and took Shelly's hand in mine. Her hand felt like ice.
"Maybe we should both stand in front of the fire and warm up our hands," Shelly said before I could say anything else. We both giggled nervously. I began to wonder if mom had spilled the beans to her, and Michelle already knew what I had planned for dessert.
We ate our meal in relative silence, and then ordered a chocolate lava volcano cake for two.
I wondered if I could even get my vocal cords to produce more than a grunt as our waiter sat the steaming dessert before us.
I took a few bites of the rich chocolate, then, unable to wait any longer, reached into my pocket for the velvet box.
Shelly smiled at me when she noticed my fumbling to get the box opened in my lap.
She gasped as I slid it across the table and my body went into auto-pilot mode.
Slipping from my chair and dropping to one knee by her side, I found my voice hadn't left me.
"Shelly, I've prayed a lot about this, and I believe it's not just what I want, but what He wants for us too."
"Will you do me the honor of saying you'll marry me?"
A ragged breath and then the words "Yes, Phillip," followed quickly by "I... I think so."
It was so subtle that at first I didn't catch it. My heart was beating wildly in my chest, and I began to smile. Moving toward her lips, it suddenly struck me. "I think so?"
"Shelly? I don't understand?"
"I love you Phillip. I've been praying for this day to happen ever since I met you after our first class together. "It's just... I don't know. There's something I've been thinking about that I have to be sure of first."
"Shelly," I began to argue. "I'm sure this is the right thing for us. God promises to bless us. What else is there to be sure of if we both love each other?"
"I'm just not one-hundred percent sure yet. ...Phillip, if there ever was a man I'd want to marry, it would be you. But..." Her words tailed off, and she looked away from me.
"Shelly, what is it? Why won't you say yes, then?"
I looked around nervously and saw several patrons smiling at us as I sat back on my chair.
Shelly had the ring on her finger up to the first knuckle, but she just sat there twisting it back and forth.
"Phillip," she pouted as she put the ring back into its cradle in the box. "There's something I just have be sure about before I say yes. When I say it, I don't ever want to second guess myself."
"It's..." the words caught in my throat, "It's not someone else is it. Please, Shelly, don't do this to me."
Shelly's eyes darted away from mine as she confessed, "Actually, that's what's been bothering me, Phillip. ...that there might be someone else."
I felt tears gathering in the corners of my eyes as I looked at her. "It's that lacrosse player... I've seen him flirting with you."
Shelly looked flustered for a moment before shocking me beyond what I had already experienced. "It's Elijah, Phillip. ...your tennis instructor."
I was instantly confused. Thoughts of her telling me she thought he was cute that night at the movies came to mind. How could I have been so blind I didn't see that? Was I so caught up in my own emotions I didn't see him playing her? Was all his staring and touching me just a decoy to keep me from seeing he was after Michelle's heart as hard as I was? I had been so sure Elijah was gay. How could I have possibly been so stupid?
"Shelly, I don't understand. How could he... I mean, I feel so stupid. How could I have not known? I... I honestly thought he was gay."
Her words stopped me in my tracks once more. "That's why I have to be sure, Phillip. Don't you see? It's not me who has feelings for him."
I'm not stupid. The inference that Shelly suspected I might have deeper feelings for him than I was willing to admit was like a four mega-ton bomb dropping into my lap.
I was in a state of shock, my head slowly moving from side to side.
"How could... Is this because of what I told you about Casey? Shelly, that was in ninth grade. God changed my life since then. I'm not like that anymore."
Shelly reached across the table and took both my trembling hands in hers.
"Phillip, I want desperately to tell you I'll marry you. I love you like I've never loved anyone. But you haven't seen how your eyes follow Elijah the way I have. I'm just afraid that you haven't admitted to yourself what you feel about him. ...and until you do that, and come to terms with it, I just can't let myself tell you I'll marry you."
I knew what she was saying was the brutal, gut wrenching truth, but my feelings for her were just as real as they were for Elijah. How could she think they weren't? A wave of guilt slammed into me as I considered I might be naively expecting that a legal agreement with Shelly would make me immune to the feelings I battled every time I was near him.
I shook my head. "No. Marrying Shelly was not just a convenient way to deal with something I'd rather not think about. I do love her. I'd chosen to commit my life to her, isn't that enough? How could she think that he's even an option for me?
"Shelly, what can I do to prove you're the only one I'm in love with? Just tell me what you need. I'll do anything for you."
Shelly signaled for the waiter, and asked him to bring our check. I saw him look at her ring finger before he glanced at me and flashed a sympathetic "sorry" look.
"Let's go out to the car where we can talk in private. I really do want us to get married, Carrots." Then she flashed me a huge smile and kissed me, like she had just had an epiphany or something. "You just have to do one thing for me. It'll be a sort of a test. If you pass, I get to wear your ring and plan our wedding."
"...and if I don't?"
"Let's not think about that Phillip. You're my knight in shining armor. God won't let us down."
We left the restaurant and sat in the parking lot with the motor and the heater running.
"So what's this test you're going to make me take? I hope it's nothing like my calculus final last semester – although I did manage a solid B on it."
We were both smiling at each other, and then Shelly leaned in for a kiss.
It was blissful, to be sure. What test could she dream up that would be so hard I would fail it?
"Phillip, promise me you won't get mad when I tell you what I want you to do."
"Why would I get mad?"
"First, promise me, Carrots," she giggled.
"Oka-a-ay, already. I promise."
"Remember... You promised."
"I promise. What, already?"
"I want you to kiss Elijah."
"What!" I nearly yelled.
The way she was grinning from ear to ear I knew it had to be a joke.
"You're kidding, right?"
"...on the lips," she calmly told me before merging her lips sensuously with mine.
"That was really nice, Red. Remember every detail of it, because I want you to do a little comparison analysis."
"A what?"
"Compare what you just felt with what you feel when you kiss Elijah."
"You're not serious?"
"Tell me if his kiss makes your stomach do more backflips than mine just did."
"Shel-ly? I can't do that. It just... it wouldn't be right."
She began to make like she was going to hand the ring box back to me.