Chapter 25
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Dear journal,
Thoughts about today: Sammy was right about mom thinking that Elijah and I were like his classmate Leroy. Why does everyone think that if you're gay you must be a slut? After her high school career, she certainly has no right to be throwing that in anyone's face.
Good, bad, or indifferent, Elijah and I have decided that this week is going to be our "out" tour. We talked about it and decided to just get it out of the way. He asked me if I was really sure. I am. I can't believe that after five years of believing it was wrong in God's eyes, I'm now telling everyone who'll listen that I was the one who was wrong.
I wonder how dad and Alicia are going to handle it when we tell them tomorrow. Elijah is already dreading the weekend. He told his mom he was staying at a friend's house nearby, and would stop by to visit them on Sunday before we headed back to school. I laughed at him when he mimicked her saying, "So what, bar-David? We're not good enough that you can invite your friend to stay with us? You be here before Shabbat begins on Friday, and stay until Sunday, Elijah. You'll show us a little respect."
We haven't decided when to tell them about us. If we wait until after the Sabbath, they'll expect us to share Elijah's room on Friday night. That could be a major problem because there's only one double bed in his room. On the other hand, if we do tell them Friday, at the beginning of the day of rest, it's not likely they'll get any.
Honesty time: The world be damned, I'm G-A-Y, hallelujah! Thank you Jesus! (I can't believe I just wrote that)
What I learned: When I face up to something I dread – like bringing my boyfriend home to meet the family – and just force myself to do it, the end result is peace inside of me.
I (HEART) Elijah Cohen : )
"I wish you wouldn't tell your father," mom said as we were about to leave. "What point is there in telling others what they don't need to know?"
"Mom?" I asked, waiting for her to look at me. She only glanced at me for a moment before looking down again. "You know how gay people have gay pride events?"
She and Ed both fixed their gaze on each other, dread plainly written on their faces. I chuckled, wondering if they expected me to tell them Elijah and I were planning to make the evening news, dressed in drag.
"You think we want to embarrass you, don't you."
"No, Phillip, it's not that. It's just..." Her words trailed off.
"It's just what... that you want us to hide who we are our whole lifetime? ...Hide who God made us to be?"
Mom grimaced. That's exactly what she was hoping for.
"All through high school, and the first two years of college, I did exactly what you're telling me to do. I kept the feelings of who I really was hidden deep inside. I didn't make any waves because I was so ashamed of even thinking about it." I searched their eyes for understanding, but found none. "I'm proud of who I am, mom. I love Elijah. I can't explain to you why I love a man instead of a woman, but I'm not going to waste any more of my time wishing God had made me different than he has. We're gay. It's who we are and we're not going to hide it from anyone."
"Phillip, please try to understand. I understand your not wanting to feel ashamed if that's truly what you believe. But people..." Again her thought was left incomplete.
"But people what, mom? People don't want to accept that someone's different than they are? Is that why everyone at your church avoids Bobby Swartz? ...because they don't know how to handle talking to a thirty year old man with the intellect of a fourth grader? Do you think he ever wishes he were `normal' like everyone else?"
"I just don't think you should cast your pearls before swine, Phillip."
"What's that supposed to mean," I shouted. "That you think my dad's a swine?" I heard them both sigh as I grabbed Elijah's hand and stormed out the door.
"Phillip," dad bellowed as he drew me into a bear hug. "Good ta see ya. This must be yer mate then?" he said shaking Elijah's hand with vigor.
I saw Elijah staring at my ears, and knew they were ablaze. How in world could he possibly have known?
"Dad this is my friend Elijah Cohen. H... how'd you know?"
When I saw the confused look on his face and remembered that he had moved to the United States from Belfast at the age of sixteen, I hoped I hadn't just spilled the proverbial pot of beans to him.
"Well who else would he be if he's not yer mate, then?"
"Just kidding," I laughed, but noticed Alicia staring at us. She hadn't missed the implication of what I had just said, and when she saw that I knew she had caught it, she replaced the look of horror that was momentarily on her face with a warm smile, and invited us in.
All during dinner I was distracted because of my step-mom's frequent, steely, glances at the two of us sitting next to each other at the table.
Already stuffed beyond comfort, Alicia set a freshly baked cherry pie on the table and began cutting it. I swallowed hard and looked over to Elijah. He raised his eyebrows acknowledging that he was ready.
"Jesus, God!"
"Chad! What did I tell ye son about usin' that kind o' language.
Alicia caught dad's attention and steered his eyes toward my and Elijah's interlaced fingers lying on the table top.
"Well then," was all he managed to mutter before running out of words.
"Dad, Alicia," I said in turn, looking each of them in the eye, "I thought you should know something about me I've never told you. I'm gay. Elijah's my boyfriend."
You could have heard a pin drop.
"Anyone care for ice cream on their pie?" Alicia asked, hastily retreating to the refrigerator.
"Ou-u-u-u-uh!" Liza spat as her whole body shook in revulsion. "No thanks," she said as she grabbed Chad's arm and pulled him out of the dining room.
Mom greeted us as we walked into the kitchen. "You're home kind of early."
One look at my face and she was pulling me into her arms. "O-o-o-oh, honey."
"Go ahead and say it," I pined into her ear.
"It!"
"That's not funny."
"Phillip, I told you not to tell people who don't need to know about your personal life." She had a huge grin on her face.
"Go ahead and laugh, mom. Tell me again how I always think I know better than you."
"No Phillip. You're an adult now. I'm willing to accept that you know better what's right for your life than I do."
She smiled as she studied my perplexing look.
"Mom, what?" I asked, sensing that something had changed drastically with her while we were visiting my dad. She smiled at Elijah too. ...not just a wan acknowledgement of pity either. After such a dreadful evening, I sure didn't want to get my hopes up, but it was like she suddenly decided to accept us for who we were.
She pulled me to her bosom and spoke softly over my shoulder.
"I've spent the time you two were away, looking at the scripture passages you showed me, Phillip. I asked God to help me be open-minded about them. I suppose I can see what you've been trying to tell us, but have to admit, I still don't see them the way you do. One thought that did come to me, though, is that we're to love God with all our being, and love our neighbor as ourselves.2 Did you know Jesus said that loving our neighbor is the second greatest commandment? And, I might add, that has nothing to do with agreeing on a few scripture verses. You two are as much my neighbor as old Mrs. Baxter next door. I might not agree with everything she does or says, but I've always tried to treat her with respect and dignity."
Mom paused a moment, like she was trying to be brave and say something that was difficult for her.
"I think what I'm trying to say, boys, is that if all of God's laws hinge on those two simple commands, then I don't think he would want me to make an issue of your relationship, even if I don't really understand it."
I stood and watched, as for the first time since we arrived, she welcomed Elijah into her life with a kiss on the cheek.
"I'm honored to have you as part of not just Phillip's life, Elijah, but ours too."
I let them embrace for a moment and then joined them. I don't know when I felt more love and acceptance than I felt in those few minutes.
Friday afternoon, before making the forty-five minute trip to Elijah's home in Conshohocken, Sammy pulled me into his room to talk again.
"Phil, one of the things Mr. Thompson told us we needed to do was find someone that would like be our accountability partner. He said it had to be someone we couldn't lie to, and who would ask us if we were keeping our promise. Would you, like, call me every week and ask me? I mean, I can ask you too if you want me to."
"Sam, I'd be honored. I never had the nerve to ask someone to do that for me. You wouldn't be afraid to ask me?"
"You said you didn't do stuff, right?"
"I wasnt to keep it that way, Sam. If you really don't think you'd mind doing it, I'd appreciate you asking me. It'd be good to have someone making sure I don't ever forget my promise."
I gave him a tap on the arm with my fist and he smiled a big smile.
"Can I ask you one more question, Phil?"
"Sure."
"At school, they kind of tell you, you should carry a... a... you know... protection?"
"Like a condom?"
Sam's face – and ears – turned crimson.
"That's what they teach us in Health class. Do you think it's a lack of faith if a person does that?"
"I see you got the family genes too."
"What d'you mean?"
"Your ears turn red just like mine do. That's how Shelly knew I was pervin' on Elijah."
"Well... I mean Mr. Thompson said if you carried one with you, it would be like you were planning to break your promise."
"He told us the same thing," I said as I pulled my wallet out and pressed the condom Andrew had tossed to me before my big date with Shelly, into his hand. "You know how mom always says two wrongs don't make a right?"
Sammy nodded as he pulled out his wallet and hid the plastic packet behind his student ID card.
"Well the way I see it, if you make a mistake, and get yourself beyond the point where you can turn back, it's much better if you don't make a second mistake that could cost you your life, or bring a life into existence you're not prepared to support. You remember my friend from high school, Alex Harper?"
"He's the guy that stayed with us for a while."
"That's the one. Well, he made that mistake twice. Alex has AIDS Sammy... He also got his girlfriend pregnant."
My words stunned, Sammy.
"He has AIDS?"
"It's not AIDS yet, but he's got the virus that can cause it. No one should be forced to make that mistake by telling them they don't have enough faith."
"Thanks, Phil. I guess that's kind of what I was thinking too."
"Dude, get Ed and mom to bring you up to campus for a weekend this summer so we can hang out and talk some more. I just found out I got an internship in State College, so I'm getting an apartment with some guys and staying up there."
Sam stood a while longer looking like there was something else on his mind, so I waited for him to talk.
"Do you really only like Elijah?"
"What do you mean?"
"I keep thinking about Leroy..."
"...and you still think that's how all gay guys are," I finished for him.
"Look. How many girls are there at school?"
"I don't know... a couple of hundred."
"How many of them would you say are good lookers?"
"A few"
"And how many of them besides Rachael May do you want to ask out on a date?"
His face instantly turned a deep magenta.
"I guess only Rachael"
"Well I only like Elijah. I'm not interested in guys. I'm interested in him. That doesn't mean I never look at another guy and think they're good lookin', but there's only one guy who's special enough for me to want to date him."
"Sorry, Phil, it's just... Well, mom left out a book she was reading. It's called `Straight & Narrow?'3. I read some of it one day before she came home from work. The guy who wrote it said that almost every gay guy takes drugs, and drinks, and gets diseases all the time. It seemed like he thought it's because what they're doing is against God's design for people, so God's against them and gives them over to all sorts of evil things, like it says in the book of Romans."
"She sent a copy of it to me, too ...pretty graphic. I'm sure the guy must have researched the subject pretty well, but I have to wonder if he ever really tried to understand why so many gay people do those things. Sam, did you ever stop and think how lonely it is for guys who just want to go out on a date but they're afraid to because of what people would say? ...about how much pressure it puts on someone when they feel like everyone thinks there must be something wrong with them because of something they can't help?
"I, kind of, think that's why some guys get caught up in that kind of lifestyle. When they're with straight friends they do anything just to feel accepted. Then when their friends aren't around, they go somewhere and pick up whoever they can get `cause they're afraid to get involved in a relationship with another guy. Sam, they never get a chance to be themselves because almost no one sees being gay as normal."
"How can it be normal?"
"Let me ask you a personal question first, then I'll answer your question if you still need to know. What made you decide Rachael May was `the one' you were interested in getting to know on a personal level?"
"I don't know. I just kind noticed her is all."
"Think about it Sam, because that's exactly my point. You just like her. You didn't do anything to try and like her, it just happened. It's called chemistry, bud."
"You're saying you just liked Elijah like that when you got to know him?"
"Even before I got to know him. I don't know why, but the instant he walked onto the court before my first tennis lesson, I felt all jumpy inside. It was like I was afraid to talk to him, and at the same time was afraid he wouldn't talk to me. I never did feel like that with Michelle. I mean she was special to me, but I guess I have to admit that it had more to do with her being a girl and me wanting to be straight than anything else. With her it was like the process of elimination. She was the only one who was a good enough friend to even consider marrying. I was so scared of what people would think if they found out I was gay – especially God. We still love each other, Sam, but it's a different kind of love than I feel for Elijah. The kind of love we have for each other is the kind that forces you to work through things you don't understand."
1 Matthew 7:6 2 Matthew 22:36-40 3 Straight & Narrow, Thomas E. Schmidt; InterVarsity Press ---------------