Chapter 4
Friday, October 17, 2008
Dear journal,
Thoughts about today: I am so confused, Lord. Why does it seem like he has to be everywhere Shelly and I go? And why can't I just ignore him? It's not like he's all that good looking. You can see that beak that sits on the front of his face a full second before the rest of him even gets into the room. I about died when Shelly told me she thought he was checking me out. When she asked me if I was afraid I might have a gay side, I just wanted to wring Elijah's skinny neck for looking back at us every five minutes. Lord, you've got help me to stop staring at him every time I see him or she's really gonna think I do have a gay side. That would so totally end my chances with her if she actually believed that – even if it isn't true anymore.
Honesty time: I'm starting to think that when someone who's confused about their sexuality commits their life to following you, you just make them bi or something. God, you've definitely given me the desire to marry a woman, but why won't you help me stop being attracted to guys? I know it sounds stupid, but why else wouldn't you change that part of me? That's like saying you can't fix something that's broken, though, which I'm sure you can. You listening God? I know you can fix me. ...please?
What I learned: I just have to try harder to focus on Shelly when he's around. Ed gave that strategy to me when I was having trouble with Alex and his boyfriend Eddie back in high school. It worked pretty well then, so I guess if I concentrate harder it'll work again.
It was Tuesday, and time for my weekly tennis lesson. Since Friday, I had been fairly successful at pushing Elijah Cohen's image out of my mind whenever he appeared there. When I saw him walk onto the court, however, I felt despair creeping up. Maybe if he would just stop smiling at me all the time.
God, help me to stop thinking those things about him," I pleaded under my breath as he made his way onto his side of the court. This is getting worse, Lord, not better. Please!
"Ready for some action, Phillip?"
His choice of words did nothing to ease my angst. I loathed hearing his voice just then, but pushed the corners of my lips into a semi-smile in spite of it.
I guess I was trying too hard to think about Shelly, letting myself get distracted too often during my lesson, because before I knew it, Elijah was once again standing behind me.
"Here, let me show you. You've got to coordinate your whole body with the swing." He wrapped his arms around me, and stepping forward, took me through the motion. Then we did it several more times until he thought I understood. The wiry hair on his shins tickled my calves as he pushed me forward, stepping into the swing. I reached down to scratch, wondering if he noticed how red my ears must be, or how milquetoast my demeanor had become.
I was absolutely shaking from what his touch had done to the neurons in my brain, and when he told me to demonstrate to him what he had just shown me, I found that I had completely missed the nuance he was trying to explain.
Looking a bit perplexed that I hadn't adjusted my swing at all, he stepped behind me again. Afraid of his touch, I dropped my racket down to my side in frustration. That's when I noticed Shelly watching us. Her eyebrows were raised.
"I must have eaten something this morning that disagrees with me," I mumbled to Elijah, and hurried off to the locker room feeling ill.
I was still shaking when I got to my locker and sat down, incoherently mumbling things like, "get behind me Satan," and "I can do all things through Christ, who gives me strength." I knew that those feelings for Elijah were just lust – a counterfeit of real love, and that if I resisted the devil, at some point he would have to flee from me. That's what the scripture promises to every believer; all we have to do is resist, and Satan would grab his bag of tricks and run like mad to save his hide.
I should have felt relief in the solace of quoting those scriptures, but instead, I felt more confused than ever.
Just then, a gentle voice asked, "You okay, Phillip? Look, I'm sorry if..."
I turned and saw two thin legs, covered in dark, wiry hair. I knew in an instant whose they were. Without looking up, I grabbed my backpack and sprinted for the door.
"Please, God," I begged, "Don't let this be happening to me. I promised I'd follow you no matter what. You don't make people gay, so don't let me fall into Satan's trap. I want to do what you say is right, and not what Satan's trying to trick me into wanting."
Shelly was standing, waiting for me when I left the building. I ran to her and took her in my arms, forcing myself to think about her, a mixture of shame and relief simultaneously assaulting my brain. She was everything I should ever want in a relationship. She was bright, fun to be around, kind, good looking, ...and ...and female. That's what God wanted. He asked me to bear his cross while I was on this earth, and in that moment, I renewed my determination to do that. I just couldn't allow myself to keep thinking about Elijah the way I had been. ...I wouldn't allow myself to do it.
Shelly seemed to recognize my turmoil, and sweetly mused "So, that's how a person learns to play tennis;" a sly grin on her face.
"I hate when he does that, Shelly. He says forcing a person to go through the swing properly has something to do with muscle memory. ...That by forcing a student to swing the correct way, it helps their muscles learn the motion and repeat it automatically. Sometimes I think he just does it as an excuse to touch me. It makes me feel so... I don't know. I hate it when he does that."
"Relax," she said, kissing me lightly on the cheek. "I won't let him steal you away from me."
"God brought you into my life for a reason, Michelle. I'm so happy for that. ...for us."
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Dear journal,
Thoughts about today: Elijah kept his distance today. I was glad about that, but I kind of hated seeing him standing on the other side of the net like he was afraid to come too near me to show me some fine point of the game. Neither of us cracked a smile the entire lesson.
Shelly said she wanted to talk about something that's on her mind Friday when we go out. I hope it's not about Elijah.
Honesty time: It was almost a relief when Elijah told me after my lesson that maybe he had taught me just about everything he could, and I should consider asking my Student Advisor to find an instructor who could further sharpen my skills. I almost felt like crying after he said it though. It feels like I'm losing my best friend; which is stupid because I hardly even know him. I guess it should make me happy, but it doesn't.
Thank you God, for Shelly, amen.
What I learned: Pastor Ben used to say that at some point in a relationship, two people have to make a commitment to each other so when they don't have intense feelings, the relationship can survive. Maybe it's just time for us to commit ourselves to each other. Maybe I should ask her to come home with me over semester break so she can meet my family. My tennis lessons will be over then and I can forget about Elijah forever. Maybe I just need to do it, and then ask her to marry me. Christmas Eve would be a good time for that. That way we could celebrate with everyone on Christmas day.
The more I thought that night, recalling Albert Hanson's question to us about if we had thought about getting married, the more convinced I became that it made sense. Once we committed ourselves to each other, I could push all these ridiculous feelings I had about Elijah out of my life for good. There would be no turning back at that point. I decided to write mom and get her feedback.
"God," I prayed before beginning to write, "If this is what you want for my life then put it in mom's heart to give me the go ahead. I'll take that as your sign that Shelly's the one."
Dear mom,
There's someone special I want you to meet. Her name's Michelle Dade. We've been hanging out together since school started freshman year. I think I may have mentioned her to you this past summer. Well we started actually dating this year. I'd like to invite her to stay with us over Christmas break if it's okay with you and Ed. She could sleep in my room, and I could use the air mattress and sleep in Sammy's and Arn's room. We're not doing anything you or Ed wouldn't approve of so that's not an issue with us. Our bible study leader asked us the other day if we had considered marriage. Mom, I think she's the one God has for me, so I'm considering popping the question to her on Christmas Eve.
Let me know what you think.
Love always,
Phil
It only took three days to receive my mom's reply. I ripped it open and read it before heading out for my date with Shelly. I had arranged to borrow Andrew's car for the evening, and was already planning to take my, hopefully, future wife to someplace special. The fifty dollar debit gift card mom had enclosed, was certainly going to help out with that. God is good!
Dear Phillip,
I can't believe you're all grown up already. Marriage! I must say I didn't see this one coming, but I can't say that I'm all that surprised either. By the way, you mentioned Shelly's name more than a few times this past summer.
Goodness, I'm not sure I'm ready for this yet. To think: my little boy getting married. This is a real reality check for me. Am I really getting to be that old? I'm definitely too young to be a grandmother, though, so I hope you'll both finish school before that happens. At least I'd be forty by then.
Sam and Aaron can't wait to share their bedroom with you. Sammy's already cleaning it up and rearranging the furniture. He's becoming quite the young man. He'll be a teenager on New Year's day. (Sorry for the blotch on the paper, but my eyes are leaking as I write this.)
I'm so happy for you and Michelle, Phillip.
Love,
Mom
PS: send us a picture so I can show everyone my two love birds.
PPS: Ed and I have sent along a $50 gift card so you can take her someplace special for dinner. Enjoy!
"Thank you Jesus," I shouted as I made my way out of the dorm. I had my answer.