Hi .. THERE! I know, it's been ages! Toji chops his head off in an gesture of apology Sorry guys and girls (I'm happy to say this: there are also girls reading my story, ^-^) but this delay comes with me being absent, then working far too much and being caught in other, neither very interesting nor funny things (like university and the exams, reading useless books [yuck!], watching too many bad movies [the worst I have ever seen was 'The Avengers' - guys and girls, do something better, iron your shirts, cook or even wash your car,.... but DONT WATCH THIS MOVIE!!], and wondering about the irritations of life). But now I am back. Back with a vengeance (ha ha!). And I got you a little treat since this part is longer than usually. One other note to the story: Kaneda is still the only one for whom I used 'first-person-narrating' but this shifts later on, there's 3rd person for him aswell. (Confusing? Not so.. Just read on). I have to warn you: There's no sex in this part at all :p. So if someone was waiting for some sex scene.. then he or she might has to wait a little longer. Anyhow, if you are too young or it is forbidden for you (by law, parents, religion, ...) to read stories covering male-to-male relationships, probably sexual phantasies involving solely males or any other homosexual fiction, then you should not be reading this (though I can safely say, that there isn't much of this stuff in this episode). You should be reading something else then (I can safely suggest Michael Crichton. A good friend told me, that he's good...grin). Okay, before I let you read the story (I wonder if anybody is really reading this anyhow?) let me remind you that the story is based in Germany. :) Mmh.. I think this was all! Thank you for bearing with me (and listening to what I have to babble) and again, apologies from my side to let you guys and girls wait so long. And before I forget it: Comments are always welcome. And the very last note: THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR EMAILS! :)
"You've to take desperate measures in desperate times." Anonymous
Alone Among Friends, Part X
What was it? Why was it there? What was the reason for it? Was it really necessary to split in this way.. or was it just coincidence? It couldn't be explained nor were the logics behind clear for him. He continued to think about it but all he could figure out was that his head was starting to hurt. It was no use to think about it any longer for there wasn't any solution at all. Daniel decided to stop thinking about that and turned around to the other side of his bed. Kevin was looking so peaceful there.. one of his legs hanging down the bed.. Daniel wondered if Kevin was aware of that and if it wasn't disturbing him? Seemed as if it wasn't, cause he was sleeping like a rock. Nothing could have woken up Kevin, not even an earthquake Daniel thought. There were absolutely no sounds in the room, nor in the apartment and everything was pretty calm. Trying to hear something from out of the house was also an effort which was completely in vain. Outside nothing was going on. For heavens sake! Wasn't there any traffic?! Daniel searched for his G-Shock with his hands and grabbed it from the desk nearby. Pressing the 'G'-button on it and the clock lighted up the display - it was 4.25 in the morning. He nearly squeaked when he found out and got all worried cause he had to get up at 7.30 already to get ready for the first course of the day. Daniel wasn't feeling a bit tired and trying now to force himself to sleep wouldn't help him either. He waited for sleep to welcome him. Waiting.. that's what he thought about now. He was waiting. He was feeling like if he was put on hold on a line which he was not totally aware of. Probably he was in the middle of a call, and put on an enormous, out of a human scope, hold. Daniel noticed that he was not thinking clearly anymore and that his thoughts were getting more bizarre with the seconds passing. And he knew that it would all come around to one ultimate truth... that he was feeling pretty alone. Okay.. he had a lot of friends who cared for him, but .. what he really wanted was to be together with somebody. Kaneda and Georg.. Those two really had each other. It was as if they existed in their very own world.. After that incident with Jens their bond had grown stronger. Nothing had changed for them, only that Kaneda had now even less time for him.. and Kevin was busy with Sabina. Yilmaz.. well who was Yilmaz anyhow? He had caused all this mess. Daniel's face got distorted thinking about Yilmaz and he somehow felt anger rising in him. What the hell was Yilmaz' problem? Was there any way to find out about him.. Wasn't it somehow strange that he was so emotionless and not really participating into any other social activities of the bunch? He thought it over. There wasn't much he knew about Yilmaz, but he definitely knew that he had never seen him with girls at all. And Daniel did not remember that he ever said that he had an girlfriend. Was Yilmaz gay? Daniel exhaled and thought about it while staring at the roof, which was white but appeared in a shade of blue-gray now in the halflight of the dawning morning. 'Yilmaz.. gay.. hmm..'. Probably it was an approach of Yilmaz to get to know some other gay guy. Daniel's face got clouded and then it cleared again for he realized at least something about Yilmaz. If Yilmaz was really gay and -if- he had tried to find out about some other gay guy among his friends, then the way he had tried to find out was an entirely rude, egoistic and un-careful way to do. This eventually also ruled out the idea that Yilmaz could be gay at all, for Daniel thought that gays were usually a bit nicer.. At least more decent? But thinking about this, he remembered that this wasn't true either, since the experiences he had made on the chat with some of those guys there were simply..terrible.. there were weird. Weirdos. That word lingered in his mind and Daniel grinned all over his face. If somebody could have seen him right now, that person would have thought he is silly. Daniel moved around in his bed so that he was lying now on his side, being able to see Kevin's bed again. Kevin had a real good shape and body, many aspects about him Daniel liked, but then Kevin was straight, and he was not willing to 'try' something on him. He smiled again - trying! What was he thinking?! He had never tried anything up to now.. well okay, he had kissed Kaneda. That was the only thing which he had done.. and thinking back, his instincts weren't wrong. But Kaneda's reaction back then was really an odd one. 'Old times' he thought. He had changed. Did he have some sensibility to find other gays he wondered? He had to try that out tomorrow.. or rather today. Having all these thoughts in his minds Daniel slowly drifted off into a light doze and finally into a full sleep when only half an hour later the alarm clock already rang. Daniel didn't hear the clock at all, but it woke Kevin up, who stood upright in a split second and started to rub his eyes. Kevin looked over to Daniel who was still sleeping like a baby and Kevin smiled. That clock's noise was so obnoxious and annoying that he wondered how it -could- be overheard. Having a grin on his face, he stood up and went over to Daniel's bed where the clock was and turned it off. Kev wondered if he should wake Daniel up right now... but then decided not to since Daniel had always woken up with that ring but not today so he assumed that he must have been really tired and knowing that the courses aren't compulsory... Kevin groaned and went out of the room, preparing himself for some of the courses.
I woke up around 9 a.m. with Georg lying next to me, his face buried in the pillow which made me wonder if he was breathing at all. I slowly moved my arm away from him which was placed in some sort of distorted angle around his body. Then I started to move his head slowly.. touching him as gently as I could. He already had a little shave and touching his cheeks, his face, was giving me warm feelings just like in the first days when we had met. Georg seemed fast asleep and finally I had his face pointing towards me. I gave him a little kiss on his cheek and got out of the bed, trying to get myself ready for the day. Having morning wood as usual I decided to get rid of that firstly, not the way you might think now, I just went to the toilet and p-ed what seemed like half an hour. Sometimes I wondered how my body could have so much water inside.. there must have been some truth after all in that statement that the human body consists of 70% water.. And apparently 40% of that water in me just went down the drain. As I got out of the bathroom, I felt how cold it actually was. I wasn't wearing too much, just my boxers...nothing else. Walking back to my room, I noticed that the door to Daniel/Kevin's room was open, and to my surprise I saw Daniel lying there on the side in a fetal position. 'Somehow cute' I thought. But didn't he have courses in the morning? Well either he had overslept or he had just skipped them. Whatever! It was 9 a.m. and time for him to get ready for his next course which he had with Georg, Sven, Pawel and me. I slowly went into his room and took silently place on his bed. Daniel looked really like a baby. I couldn't describe him better. A huge monster of a baby, but not less cute than a normal one. Daniel's brown hair, which was shimmering now cause of the ray of light shining on his head, was all messy and his blue eyes, which had this sparkle in them, were closed. Peace and harmony as I looked. Should I really wake him up? He looked so calm and whatever he was dreaming of, it seemed that he was enjoying it, for there was a noticeable smile on his face. I wondered if I had ever smiled while I was asleep. This was definitely something I had to ask Georg when as soon as he was awake. About Georg I could only say that I didn't see much of his face while he was sleeping next to me for his face was nearly always buried in his pillow. I sat there thinking if I should wake him up or not, when Daniel moved his position and blinked with his eyes. His face got all puzzled and then he opened them more, realizing that it was very bright in his room. Seeing a true shock in his face, he sat upright in his bed, rubbed his eyes, finally noticing me sitting there.
"What time is it?!" Daniel asked. Kaneda looked at the clock. "Good morning Daniel, it's 9.15a.m." "God, I am late!!", Daniel was shocked again and wanted to climb out of his bed when Kaneda pushed him back. "What are you doing? You've missed one course, and the other is running. Relax stud," he said putting his arm around him, pushing Daniel back down. "Seems as if you were having nice dreams.. will you tell me about them?" Daniel blushed, "uh.. no..," and stook out his tongue. Kaneda grinned. "Then not." "How come that you are sitting here Kaneda?" Daniel said, trying to digress from the topic he didn't want to discuss. "I was wondering myself why you weren't awake, so I came into the room and wanted to wake you up, but actually you did that all by yourself." Kaneda smiled. "Yeah well...," Daniel said and he noticed that Kaneda was only wearing his boxers. And from the position Daniel was looking he could actually see into one of the holes of Kaneda's boxers. "And actually I wanted to speak with you a bit, Georg isn't awake yet.." Daniel somehow felt uncomfortable and he subconsciously drew back a little. "Hey no.. I just wanted to ask you, how you are feeling about -that- issue and if everything's okay?" How was he feeling? Daniel didn't know how to respond properly. How was he feeling right now or generally? The truth was, he still felt attracted to Kaneda. But Kaneda had Georg and he would never do anything to risk their good relationship with each other. Daniel looked at Kaneda's face and then looked down onto his lap, not missing Kaneda's smooth body while his gaze went down. He was very attracted to Kaneda, he had noticed that, and having Kaneda sitting so close to him, actually feeling the warmth radiating from his body made Daniel feel insecure and even more flaky. But then Kaneda was out of reach, he thought. Fullstop. Period. He dismissed all other thoughts and composed himself. "Kaneda, I am feeling.. well... ..." Kaneda looked at Daniel putting his arm around him, moving him closer to himself. It was hard for Daniel not to say the wrong words, that he liked Kaneda. That he probably loved him. But since Kaneda was given, he could not do anything else to tell him how he was feeling, leaving out the feelings he still had for Kaneda. "well.. I am feeling alone.. totally alone.." That was an acceptable statement - but the exact opposite of what he was thinking. Kaneda sighed and smiled a little, "But you do have us as your friends, don't you?" "Kaneda you know what I mean.. I am alone.. I don't have a real friend.." Kaneda's face immediately lost it's smile and he said, "Am I not your real friend??" "Uh no, I did not mean it this way, uh.. you know," Daniel started to stutter and Kaneda suddenly smiled again and laughed silently. "I know what you meant, I was just pulling your leg, sorry!" "Oh damn you Kaneda!" Daniel said and laughed, and after some seconds he added, "but well.. There is nobody around I know of. I mean you have Georg, he is such a cool guy and you both match so perfectly. But where's the guy for me man?" "There certainly is a guy for you. Somewhere out there.. not to worry about it.." "That's easy to say for you Kaneda, you have a friend.." "I know.. but I am very positive about it, that there will be a guy. I mean, look, just right in this moment, there is a guy sitting with his best friend.. uh.. am I your best friend?" "Yeah! Certainly you are Kaneda, you had any doubts??" Daniel said and smiled, which made Kaneda smile back. "Hehe, okay I just wanted to be sure of it, I know, I am such a teaser. Anyhow, what did I want to say? Okay.. here I go.. well just right in this moment Daniel, there is a guy sitting with his best friend, may be a female friend, and having the same conversation and wondering if he will be finding the guy for his life, or for a year or whatsoever he is looking for." "For my life," Daniel said soberly. "Okay for your life.. well, then the only thing these best friends have to do is to do look around for their lonely friends for this other best friend and well, then it will be done!" "..." Daniel had a confused look on his face and did not say anything.. just plainly looked into Kaneda's eyes. "Okay, it sounds dumb, I admit it," Kaneda said, sighing a little sigh of helplessness. Daniel smiled, "It's the idea what counts, at least you're here for me Kaneda, .. and I am so happy that you actually do ask how I feel.. I mean.. that makes you so special to me, nobody else asks me how I feel," Daniel said and hugged Kaneda hard. "Woohah! Calm down big boy, you're breaking my fragile bones!" "I love you Kaneda," Daniel said and immediately he stopped breathing. Kaneda pulled himself back from Daniel and looked into Daniel's eyes. Both were silent for a couple of seconds which seemed like minutes. Daniel's 'love you' did not sound like a friend telling another friend 'love you' if they ever tell each other, but it sounded that different way, in that romantic way. And Daniel was aware of it though he didn't want to pronounce it that way. Kaneda was also aware of it. 'God, not again..' Daniel thought thinking back of the first reaction Kaneda had when he had kissed him. Kaneda knew that Daniel actually loved him for long, but Kaneda had always ignored that and pushed the feelings he himself had for Daniel aside. Kaneda's feelings for Daniel were strong, not only in a friendly way but also sexually. He felt uncomfortable.. it was so wrong. He loved Georg, but did he also love Daniel? Was that possible? To love two at the same time? Was it or wasn't it? Not for him.. he decided that he had to suppress any of those feelings he had and that he had to stay calm. Kaneda thought about Georg and sincerity came back. After some more seconds he was finally able to speak. "Daniel... I love you too, but I can only love you back as a friend, I know that you know that.." "I know Kaneda, I hoped but I never expected anything else.. I mean, I am no match to Georg, and I am such an idiot to say that. I hope you can forgive me.." Kaneda did not know what to say. It was now that he was thinking about his feelings entirely. Indeed, he felt for Daniel, but he was together with Georg now, for whom he felt aswell. It was, as a matter of fact, a matter of timing.. Georg had stepped into Kaneda's life earlier. No that was not true. It was actually Daniel. It was Daniel who had made the first step into coming into Kaneda's room. But Georg revealed himself earlier to Kaneda. And how he had done that.. Kaneda remembered the night the three of them were out and when Georg had touched his hand so softly .. so slowly.. not knowing if Kaneda was feeling the same way he was doing, risking to be outed if he was straight.. Thinking more about it, Kaneda realized how much he loved Georg. He loved every part of Georg, he loved his smiles, his jokes, his laughter, his eyes, his hair, his chest, his whole body.. But that wasn't much compared to Georg's soul which he deeply loved. The way that guy was, was a dream to him and Kaneda thought that there was not even the slightest thing which he did not like about Georg. And if there was something, he would start to like it. That was love he thought. That was love. With Daniel it was a little different. Kaneda felt something that was obligating him to love him. Not that he was not loving him or not feeling anything for him.. he was, but the crucial part was that Kaneda cared about Daniel in a special way and he didn't want nobody to harm him in any way. Harming him physically was out of question cause Daniel was strong.. but he was concerned about his mental or rather psychic stamina. Kaneda wondered if Daniel would be able to go on and he realized that what he wanted to do was to support him.. 'No.. I love him', he heard in his mind. Another place in his head responded differently. 'You do love him, but this is a supportive love'. 'A supportive love?'. No response. "Kaneda, I am sorry," he heard Daniel saying. "What..? huh!?" "I am sorry for stressing you this much." "No worries.. I am sorry.. I wished I could help you out Daniel..", Kaneda said, and condemning himself for saying that. It sounded so harsh to him. "You'll get a good looking guy, trust me. And I will always be your friend, no matter what happens. Is that okay?" He continued. Daniel looked into Kaneda's eyes and a smile played on his face. "Okay.. Can I hug you?" "No! .... Of course you can, why are you asking?" Kaneda said and instead of waiting for Daniel to hug him, he gave him a hug. Kaneda felt how Daniel's pecs pressed against his, only thin T-shirt fabric separating the bodies from each other, and he started to feel a little uncomfortable. 'Hell damnit! Just minutes before it was the same hug and it was nothing special, and now I am feeling weird about it?' Kaneda thought. Daniel was trying not to enjoy the hug, but he was enjoying it. This would be the farest he could get to Kaneda. He closed his eyes and swallowed a huge sigh so that Kaneda would not notice it. After some seconds the both of them released each other. "Come on guy, we should both better get ready for the classes," Kaneda said. "Yeah man," Daniel said and stood up -aswell having morning wood- which had remained longer there cause of Kaneda's appearance. "Morning wood, nothing special," Daniel said and winked, passing Kaneda and moving fastly to the bathroom. It was a little embarrassing. But then.. Daniel had the erection since he had woken up. It was morning wood and nothing else.
Kaneda scratched his head and decided to go back to check if Georg was awake. Georg, that's whom he needed right now. He slowly tip-toed into his room and sat down next to Georg, who was still lying there in the position Kaneda had left him. Parts of his body were not covered with the blanket anymore, and Georg's t-shirt also partly uncovered his skin. Kaneda gently touched his back and moved his hand under the parts of the t-shirt which still covered Georg's body up to his shoulderblades, massaging them gently. After a little while of no reaction by Georg Kaneda started to massage the whole back of his. Then he moved the t-shirt up as much as possible and kissed Georg's back. Still no reaction from his lover. He decided to lick a bit of Georg's back and ran his tongue over Georg's spine which must have woken him up for Georg was very sensitive there and sometimes could be even tickled if the touch was very gentle. Still no reaction. Kaneda thought about being a bit bruter and pinched Georg's hips softly and not very tense. He still seemed to be asleep.. there was no reaction. Kaneda looked at his lover and thought what he could do next. He took one of Georg's arms by his hand and lifted it. Georg's arm was pretty heavy with no support coming from him. He lifted it up in the air, dropped it and had to giggle on that for it looked really ridiculous by now and expected Georg to wake up on this one. But Georg still didn't react. Now Kaneda started to get worried. He looked closely at his upper body and noticed that it was not moving at all. He waited for some seconds.. 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9.. no movement.. Georg.. was not breathing. A terrible feeling crawled up Kaneda's spine, such a terrible feeling, that his fingers and other parts of his body got cold immediately. Kaneda's face became distorted and tears were welling up inside of him. He started to shake Georg heavily now.. "Gw!", was the only thing he could get out of his throat, and still there was no reaction from his lover. He turned Georg around, who simply lay there, reactionless, with his mouth opened. Kaneda's heart dropped down. In this split second the feelings of grief and loss multiplied and he remembered every single detail of his relationship with Georg.. everything. From the beginnings to the end, from how he had lusted of him in the gym-showers before he knew his secret till the last evening they had spent together. So many details were flying trough Kaneda's head, so many different faces of his love,smiles, gestures and other details.. all the funny, weird, sad and serious things Georg had sad to him.. and now.. nothing of this was supposed to come back.. Now he was gone.. And now he knew how much he loved him. There was no doubt about it anymore. Nobody could make him feel like Georg used to make him feel. Having all these thoughts, he could not hold it back anymore and tears started to run down Kaneda's face, dropping onto Georg's chest and just in that moment Georg opened his eyes and hugged the guy who was weeping in front of him. "Hey hey, I just wanted to fool you.. oh gawd! I didn't mean to make you cry, I thought you would try some sort of mouth-to-mouth revival stuff.. god.. Kaneda.. I am sorry, I am so damn sorry.. I thought you got the game I was playing.. apparently not.. " "Georg," Kaneda began with some sobs in between, "you scared the shit out of me.. " "God, I am so terribly sorry Kaneda," he said and pressed Kaneda closer to himself. "Was just meant as a trick .. for fun. I was awake the whole time. I think I shouldn't have stopped breathing for that minute. That was too much." Kaneda composed himself, but now it was Georg who was sobbing heavily. "Kaneda... I am such an idiot, I.." "Georg.. you're a fool man, don't fool me like that again, I didn't know what to do .. thinking you were.. god!" Both of them sobbed for a minute and then slowly the sobbing changed into little giggles and finally a slight laughter. "I really thought you were.. dead.." "Do you think a hunk like me can die this easily Kaneda? I am the bicentennial man..," Georg said, laughed out loud and heartily and a few seconds later, Kaneda joined. "Yeah I should have know better.. I am also an idiot not to check for your pulse or anything. I think I really am an idiot. Shouldn't have skipped so many biology classes I suppose." Georg laughed heartily and held Kaneda close for some minutes. "I am sorry..." "It's okay.. but don't do such shit again okay Georg? Promise?" "Okay, promised." Kaneda and Georg smiled at each other and after some seconds, Kaneda got up, "We better get ready for uni now."
Uni was lame as usual. Same boring courses, same boring professors. The 3 of them slowly walked towards the main lecture hall where the next course was going to take place. "You really wanna go inside?" Georg asked Kaneda. "Yeah, I think we should.. I mean.. if we go on skipping lectures we won't make it at all.." "You're right there.. but it's so awfully boring. I mean this professor doesn't know nothing about didactics. Cool to know that he's an absolute guru on his field - but he hardly is able to get the message over.." Georg said, looking up to sky, searching for nothing in particular. "Come on, you two can at least enjoy yourselves in the back row, holding hands and stuff. And it is me who will be bored to death!" Daniel said. "..." "Oops.. did I just say that?" "Yeah Daniel," Kaneda and Georg replied in unison. "But nothing to worry about, cause it's true. Hmmm.. okay we should not go in," Kaneda mumbled. In the meantime they had reached the door to the lecture hall where about 30 other students were waiting for the running lecture to end. Daniel looked around if Sven or Pawel were around, but he couldn't spot them at the moment. There was a guy who caught Daniel's interest. He was about 5'8" high, had blonde hair and green eyes. A noticeable cute smile and cute face. A keychain was hanging out of his pockets, and the navy-blue cargo pants matched perfectly with his gray-blue DCShoes. Daniel hadn't seen this guy before in this lecture so he sneaked a little closer to get to view more of the guy. Kaneda and Georg looked at the same time to each other wondering what Daniel was doing there. "Have you spotted someone from the gang?" "Nopes, a second," Daniel said, without looking behind to where Kaneda was standing. The distance between Daniel and that guy was roughly 7 meters, but lots of students were hindering him to have a good view on the guy - without letting the guy notice that Daniel was observing him. As he came closer he happened to like even more about the guy. He was wearing a 'No Fear' T-Shirt and a Stüssy-Cap. Okay, Stüssy-Caps were a bit outdated by now, but this cap in particular looked great on the guy. He wasn't speaking to anyone and it seemed as if he was also waiting for the lecture to end. Daniel stopped getting closer to the guy and wondered how he should start a conversation with this guy at all. 'Hi, I am Daniel, who are you?' 'Naaa', Daniel thought and had to smile about it. What a stupid approach. But he couldn't think about anything better. Or should he ask him if he probably has the solutions for the paper the prof had handed out last time? That was a better idea, but why should he ask him in particular when there were so many other students who were closer to Daniel than he was. Daniel thought that he had to get closer to him without him noticing that he was trying to get closer. This all seemed so ridiculous to him all of a sudden. What was he doing there Daniel wondered. Georg and Kaneda were looking at Daniel how he was looking at someone they didn't know. Georg moved closer to him and put his hand on Daniel's shoulder which made him jump a little. "Hey hey hold it.. You aren't sort of daydreaming Daniel, are you?" "Uh.. no.." "So what is it?" Georg asked. "Well,.. do you see the guy over there.. with the blue cargo-pants, blonde hair.. over there at the entrance?" Georg looked around and spotted the guy. "Yes, what's with him?" "Uh.. nothing.. I just found that he looks.. ehm.." Georg smiled and moved closer to Daniel's ear. "..cute?" he whispered. "Yes," Daniel said in a low voice and smiled. Just in this moment the doors to the lecture hall opened from inside and students started to rush out. The guy Daniel was looking at started to look around in the crowd himself now. "Hey look Daniel," Daniel turned around just to see how the guy started to smile broadly and a few seconds later kissed and hugged a girl who had come out of the lecture hall. "Well..," Georg said. "Oh well..," was Daniel's response and he certainly looked a little down. "Come on Daniel, there are others," Georg said and put his arm around him. "Guys.. wanna go in now or not? What's the deal?" Kaneda asked. "I don't care actually.." Daniel said, lightly depressed. "What's with you Dan?" Kaneda asked. "Well Daniel just saw a cute guy who was apparently not the way we are. That's all," Georg said. "Oh man, Dan! This shouldn't turn your mood off!? If such things depressed me, I would have been in an asylum yet." Daniel looked at Kaneda for some seconds and then he started to grin. "Yeah.. well I think you're right.. I am being childish again I suppose." "No you aren't. You just started to open your eyes... or rather used your eyes for the first time," Georg said with a grin. "Hey guys!" somebody yelled from behind. It was Pawel. "Hi Pawel, where's Sven?" "He'll be here in a minute or so, he's getting himself a cup of coffee. What's the deal? Wanna go in?" All the guys looked at each other and nobody said something. "Well then I am going to take the initiative: We're going in..," Pawel said,".. and if it is too boring, we can still go out, right?" "True," Kaneda asserted.
The 5 of them weren't able to bear the full 90 minutes of the lecture so they sneaked out after 30 minutes and went to the nearby cafeteria, which was packed by students who either weren't attending their lectures or were waiting for their respective lecture to start. There was a vacant table in the left corner of the hall which was spotted by Sven. "What an odoeur.. I love this smell..," Sven said sarcastically after all of them sat down. "Come on, don't remind me of this now. I wanna enjoy my roll," Pawel complained. "Does anyone have some other lectures?" "Georg and I have a programming course later on, that's fun. What about you Daniel?" "I don't know. I think the lecture we just skipped was the last one for today." "So you wanna come with us to this programming thing?," Kaneda asked. "..." "What about joining Sven and me in this microeconomics course.. lots of hot chicks in it," Pawel said. "I'll think about it," Daniel said, without any enthusiasm. "Might be that I just head back home after you guys go to your courses.."
The guys talked to each other and sometime later all left for their respective courses leaving Daniel behind, who was still sipping on his now cold mug of hot chocolate. There was nothing in particular he was thinking of. He thought about how he tried to approach that guy earlier. That didn't seem much like him, did it? Daniel smiled. He knew though that he wouldn't have started a conversation with that guy, even though he would have liked to, he still wouldn't have started any conversation. In terms of guys he seemed to be a bit shy. Wow.. Shy. With girls he wasn't like that. He wondered if it was like this because he wasn't able to start more with girls, that everything would be under his control when he is around them.. Was it that way? Did it mean that with guys he was not fully able to control himself? He had noticed that every time he was around Kaneda his palms would get wet a bit and he was pretty emotional around him. It was getting better by now, but still.. It was something out of his control. Daniel looked around at the other tables, watching the students as they talked and chatted with each other. He spotted lots of couples, some of them kissing, or just smiling at each other, others just holding hands. Girls with boys, boys with girls, everybody seeming to be pretty happy. As his view moved on he saw a girl who looked rather depressed and stared into the mug in front of her as if she seeked absolution from it. The girl sighed after a couple of seconds and looked at her watch, then gazed around looking for someone. Daniel aswell looked around if there was someone probably going to her. Seemed as if there wasn't anybody. It was interesting to watch her from a distance. Was she looking for someone? Or was she hoping for someone to arrive, or did she just look around to see who is around. Did somebody forget her? "Hi," somebody said and Daniel was virtually shaken out of his thoughts. "Oh sorry, I didn' mean to scare you." "I am not scared, you just caught me off-guard," Daniel said, moving his head around to see the guy with whom he was talking and whose voice he didn't recognize. The guy standing in front of him was about the same height as Daniel and had brown hair with brown eyes. His look was fixed on Daniel's face. "My name's Christoph, I told you, I would make up for it." "Huh?" Daniel said, quite puzzled, not really knowing what he was talking about. "Is this seat free?" "Uh yeah.." Christoph sat down next to Daniel without waiting a second. "We collided last week dude, remember? POOH-BANG!" Christoph said and made a gesture of an explosion with his hands. "Yeah.. I remember.. but.. well.. you didn't need to 'make up' for that, it's okay." Daniel started to wonder about the guy and he felt awkward. "Dude, nothing's okay. It was my fault, I was in a rush and moving too fast. And then I didn't notice you.. what's your name by the way?" "My name's Daniel," he said, not really knowing how he could have avoided telling him his name. Daniel felt awkward being pushed this way. He didn't know who this guy was and actually didn't want to know it anyhow. "Nice to meet you Daniel. Dude, can I call you Dan?" This guy was going on Daniel's nerves. 'Dude'. 'Dude' sucked.. and.. were they already 'so good' friends that he may call him like that? "Yeah you can, but can you skip this 'dude' please? I am not a 'Dude'!" "What then..? A Dudette?!" Christoph said and laughed pretty loud, which sounded almost hysteric, "Sorry.. I am just joking," he continued seriously, narrowing his eyes, looking directly into Daniel's. Daniel got irritated by the look and started to feel even more awkward. He felt cold sweat on his forehead and he knew that he would get gooseflesh any second.. "Listen Christoph, ehm.. it's nice that you wanted to make up, but I am busy, so can you please leave now?" Wow.. this sounded so harsh. Daniel didn't feel any better now. This guy was trying to make up for something which was totally irrelevant and now he asked him to leave. But what should he do? He wasn't feeling any comfortable with him. "Okay as you wish, it was nice to meet you," Christoph said, stood up and passed behind him. Daniel thought that he felt a gentle touch on his neck but when he turned around Christoph was pretty far off already. As he watched Christoph going down the hall, he noticed that he had a fable for dark colors. The black cargo pants were combined with black-grayish sneakers, an absolute darkblue rain jacket and his backpack was a very dark shade of green. The hairstyle of the guy was also okay. It was actually sort of a mix from Georg and Kaneda's look. It had Georg's spikiness but Kaneda's length. It looked good. As far as Daniel could remember now, the guy even had a cute face. Suddenly a question popped into his mind. Was he gay? Was that the reason he wanted to 'make up' for the bumping in? Was it that why he was acting so strangely? Probably he was nervous? Nervous? Probably he liked me, Daniel thought. Daniel shook his head and it seemed as if he wanted to shake this thoughts of his head. No, it couldn't be. A guy, seemingly finding him attractive being sent off by him. Argh! 'This is all speculation' the rational part of his mind said. 'Who says that he is gay? - There was nothing suspicious about him'. That last sentence was revoked by the other part of his mind which told him that neither Kaneda nor Georg 'looked' very 'gayish' or had any signs of being gay. Not at all. "Ugh!" Daniel let out a huge groan and buried his face in his hands with his arms on the table. And suddenly a little tune started playing in his head. 'Live along with the common people.. do whatever common people do.. ' Jarvis Cocker was singing in Daniel's head. That song terribly sucked in Daniel's opinion but somehow still some lines made it into his head, and he never knew why his mind knew most of the lyrics. If he was asked, he wouldn't be able to tell.. but right now.. the words were popping out from somewhere.. ' Never lived like common people.. never do what common people do... never failed like common people.. never watch your life slide out of view... ' 'Slide out of view' he thought.. That's how he felt.. Jarvis stopped singing. 'My life somehow slides out of view..' Daniel thought. He was there, sitting on a chair, his face still buried in his hands on the table, listening to his fellow students and trying to pick up a conversation out of them and now that he was not seeing anything, it was easier for him to concentrate on what he was hearing. "What are you doin' here? Prayin'?" somebody said, irritating Daniel. Daniel lifted his head and looked to the right side, where the voice was coming from. "Hey Sven already back?" "Yes, well microeconomics sucks.. No not really. I think I know most of the stuff. I bought that book and read the first chapters. So I don't need to listen to the prof when he simply rereads the book.." "Well I think that's why it's called lecture?" Sven just lifted his arms, palms up, indicating that he didn't know. "Hi Daniel! Sven." It was Jens. Daniel somehow felt uncomfortable now in front of Jens. Where did he come from all of a sudden? "How are you Jens?" "Quite fine. And you? Haven't seen you guys in the apartment for quite a time.." "Well I was hanging around with Kaneda," Daniel said.. "You mean with the fag?" Jens said, grinning broadly, enjoying and paying attention to the looks on Daniel and Sven's faces. Daniel didn't like the way Jens was talking about Kaneda at all. Sven had some sort of puzzled look on his face and wanted to say something when Daniel spoke again. "Watch out what you say, or.." "..or what? Or you will tell Kevin or what?" Sven was watching Daniel and then Kevin. It was just like he was watching a tennis match. "Jens, you suck... I thought you had learned.." "No Daniel," Jens grinned and shook his head," I don't suck, the only one who sucks is Kaneda. I think he even loves it. Sucking Georg's cock... Either way.. I need to go now," Jens said, "Tell the cocksuckers that I like 'em," left leaving Daniel and Sven behind was the last what Daniel heard. "What was that supposed to be Dan?" Daniel didn't know what to say, but he definitely didn't like the idea that Jens was spilling out the word. "Jens had an argument with Kaneda and Georg, and since he cannot do anything else, he retorts with such cheap stuff. I mean it's pathetic.." "Aren't you guys living together? I mean.. in one apartment?" "Yeah we are.. well you know Sven.. it's not like 'Friends' at the moment in our apartment. There is a certain tension.. It'll go over.. shit happens." "Come on, nevermind, forget him. Jens' a retard. I like Kaneda and Georg. They're cool, I bet they must have had a reason arguing with him," Sven said, putting on his big sunny-boy grin. "Yeah I guess so.. anyhow.. do you have any courses left Sven?" "Nopes not at all, I was just on my way back home when I saw you here." "Cool. Wanna play some Tekken with me? Over there in the apartment? Kaneda let's me use his PS." "Yeah, I feel like beating the shit out of you," Sunny boy said grinning even broader now. "You wish Sven," Daniel replied grinningly to the handsome guy who was standing in front of him. Sven was shorter than Daniel but also pretty much build and had very light blonde hair. It seemed to Daniel that Sven had definitely some scandinavic origins.
Yilmaz had returned earlier to the apartment than usual and nobody was there. 'Perfect' he thought and he took off his shoes, shirt and trousers, so that he was only wearing his boxers and socks, and planted himself on his bed. He stood up again and went to the chair, where his jacket was hanging and searched the pockets. Some seconds later he drew out some pot of the pocket and got back to his bed, leaning with his back against the cold wall which gave him goose bumps. But he didn't care - soon he would be lifting off to the old new spheres.. The thin golden chain with the crescent hanging from it was shining in the half-dimmed light of the room he shared with Jens. He lit the weed and smoked it slowly, enjoying every draw from it. 'Surely good weed' he thought. 'Surely good..' hummed in his mind, puffing and smoking the joint he'd made for himself.
"So come on in, take the shoes off, 'tis a rule here.." Daniel said. "No problem," Sven said, and as soon as he stepped in he smelt the odd smell of Yilmaz' special cigarette. "Who is smoking weed here?" Sven asked, with another huge grin on his face. "I dunno," Daniel said, knowing that there was some smell in the apartment but he couldn't quite figure out what it was for he had never smelt it before. Sven started to sniff around and after a second he somehow knew from where it was coming. He started to walk towards the door of Yilmaz room which was not fully closed and opened it in a bang. "Yilmaz! Yilmaz my man, what about giving me a drag from your weed?!" Yilmaz, having his disconcerned look as usual, looked up in a slow move towards Sven who was standing in the doorframe. "Piss off." - Sole, firm response. "Charming as ever Yilmaz, aren't ya?" Sven said, walked over and took the joint right out of Yilmaz mouth, then, after taking a heavy drag, he placed it right back from where he got it. "Thanks." "You are welcome. Now piss off." "Will sure do, master," Sven said and bowed. Daniel, who had watched the whole scene, was somehow astonished by Sven's and yes, also by Yilmaz behaviour.. Smoking weed? "Come on, let's get it on.. where's Kaneda's PS?" "Just follow me," Daniel said and both of them went into Kaneda's and Georg's room. They sat on the bed and while Daniel was setting up the console for the game, Sven inspected Kaneda's room. "You sure we're allowed to be in here?" Sven said, pointing at some spot of the mess the room was in. "Yah.. No prob, Kaneda doesn't mind.. neither does Georg," Daniel fiddled around and unplugged the N64 from the AV slot of the TV, putting the cable of the PS into it. Sven was astonished by the mess as he was looking around.. clothes were lying in one corner.. the other corner was full of mangas, apparently Kaneda's mangas, then in the other one were Georg's clothes and as he could figure out there were his underwear, tanktops and everything lying there.. just on a pile. It was really messy.. Sven thought that the guys hadn't time to clean up before going to school.. But no.. this couldn't be. Apparently one of the guys had time to make his bed at least. "Whose bed is this?" "Huh?" Daniel turned around, "what do you mean?" "I mean, whose bed is this?" Sven said, pointing to the bed which looked as if it had been made. But then Sven couldn't know that the bed hadn't even been used. But Daniel was aware of that. "Ehm.. that's Georg's bed I think." "Strange fellow. Doesn't care for having a mess on the ground but makes his bed.." "Yeah," Daniel said grinning broadly and scratching his head, "sometimes he really is strange.. anyhow, I've set up the thing. Let me beat the shit out of you now."
It was an hour or so later, and Yilmaz could still here the guys playing on the Playstation. 'Kids' he thought.. 'Real Kids'. Yilmaz stood up from his bed and went over to the table where some books were piled up. Algebra. No thanks. Analysis. Not with me. Theorethical Computer Science. Not this semester. Staying there in front of this pile and realizing how much he still had to do turned his mood off immediately, so he sat back on his bed, doing nothing and just waiting until Jens would come back. His chain was hanging down his neck as he was holding his head in his hands. It looked as if Yilmaz was overthinking something, but the truth was, that he wasn't thinking about anything in particular. He just felt very comfortable this way and he opened his, seeing his tanned skin which covered his nicely defined abs.
"How was it?" "Dunno.. well.. I actually do.. thing is..., I fucked it completely up." "What? How could that happen?" Mark said, with a true concern of his face. "Well I don't know M, It's just that I fucked up.. I got a bit .." "..hyper..?" "Yeah hyper I'd call it.. Goddamnit! Fuckin' hyper I got! I wonder why this always happens to me!" "C, calm down.. you didn't even know if the guy was gay!" "Well who cares if he was or wasn't, he is simply cute and I wanted to know him." "So what happened exactly?" "He told me to leave!" "He told you to leave? What did you say to him and why did he say that?!" "Awwwwwww.. I don't wanna think over that again.." Mark looked seriously over to Chris, "I am sorry.. well .. but.. just forget it then." "Why does this always happen to me??" Christoph blurted out again, twisting his eyes and making gestures as if he was about to kill himself. "Hey calm down.. calm down.. don't worry.. but don't make the whole cafeteria stare at us.. I don't like everybody watching us.." "Sorry Mark.. couldn't help it." "'tis okay,.. you'll find a guy for yourself.." Mark said without actively thinking, giving Christoph a warm smile but knowing inside that it would be a hard task for him to find a guy. Who would like a guy, who had such a bad temperament, Mark thought? He wouldn't. He hadn't. That's what Mark knew. Moreover he never even felt comfortable telling him about himself. Why should he tell someone who could easily say something -probably undeliberately- without thinking, that it might hurt. No. He couldn't tell him. He had to wait.
Phew! This was it up to now, and of course I will be continuing it. What do you think where this is going? I would like to know your comments and critique. Please send any email to: tsuzahara@yahoo.com
THANK YOU!