Alone Among Friends

Thank you for all the nice emails I have been getting. :) I really appreciate it and would like you to continue telling me what you guys think. As usual, the narration is split into 1st and 3rd person narrating. 1st person is used exclusively for Kaneda and 3rd person for all the others (Georg and Daniel in this part). This story involves male-to-male love and if this is somehow violating your laws, or you're too young to read gay fiction or it is offending you generally then you should better leave this place. Toji

"I was faced to the choice at a difficult age"

Alone Among Friends, Part IV

Daniel had agreed to go to the flicks with Georg so he would be distracted a bit. Looking around his room he tried to figure out if he had everything: money, keys, fags. Apparently everything was at it's right spot and he just took a quick gaze out of the window if Georg was waiting already. What he saw there he didn't expect but he should have: Kaneda was standing down there aswell. What should he do?? He didn't want to go down anymore and felt like staying where he was but he couldn't leave Georg wait for him - after sometime he would come up anyhow. And likely he would know that there was something behind his illogical behaviour. Daniel figured out that the best thing to do would be to go down and pretend as if nothing had happened. Just try to be his normal self, and ignore it. Probably Kaneda would ignore it aswell. He really hoped it. He hoped that Kaneda hadn't told Georg about it. Thinking about that he realized that he didn't tell him since Georg sounded all normal back on phone. "Okay, let's get it on," he said to himself and closed the door behind himself.

Georg was standing next to Kaneda and waiting with him for Daniel. He was watching Kaneda in full joy while he was smoking his cigarette. It would not matter to him anymore; he decided that he just wanted to be close to Kaneda, that he wanted to be with him as long as possible and didn't want to risk anything by telling him something Kaneda might not want to hear. There was a song running trough Georg's mind he liked when he was young and back in school. However right now the melody was playing in his mind and he sang along in his mind with the singer: "...Every time I see you

something happens to me

like a chain reaction,

between you and me,

my heart starts missing a beat..

every time..

I am in love with you..

I mean what I say,

I am in love with you,

and you don't know what it means to be with you..." Georg didn't notice that he already had started to hum the melody, not speaking the words though.

It was cold out there and I thought that I had to get a different jacket before leaving fully for the flicks since it would only get colder later the night. I was smoking my cigarette and thinking about what happened between Daniel and me earlier and how I should react when I would meet him in a few minutes. I couldn't think clearly about it when I realized that Georg was humming a familiar tune. I tried to figure out what he was humming there. "Man that's freakin' old!" I said and realized that I had shaken Georg out of a daydream or something - at least I am not the only one daydreaming I thought. "Huh what?" "That's an old song.. wait let me think," I said. I tried to figure out which song that was and after some seconds I got it. "It's 'Heart' from the Pet Shop Boys. Nice song, heard it pretty often," I said to him. "But how come you start humming it right now?" "Dunno, it just came into my mind...," Georg said with an empty look. "Listen Georg, I need to get to my apartment and get me a jacket, will be right back," and I headed towards the building. Inside, I was waiting for the elevator, and looking at the number on which floor it currently was, I knew that Daniel would be inside. I took a deep breath and waited for the door to open. I could feel that I had sweat on my forehead already when the door opened and I acted quickly. I pushed him back into the elevator and put my hand onto his mouth, holding him firmly. "Let me speak!" I said. He looked at me and couldn't say anything for I had my hand on his mouth. "Look Daniel, I am damn sorry... I... I didn't want to blurt out like that earlier.................... and if you're worrying.. I didn't say anything to Georg. And that's all what I wanted to tell you. He doesn't know. I won't tell noone, I think that this is what you want, and if you want to.... we can talk about it." I slowly put my hand off of his mouth and waited for him to say something. "Thank you Kaneda, I.. I don't want to talk about. Let me get out of here," and he pushed me aside, not hard but very gentle, and went out of the building. I sighed out loud, feeling a small pain in my innards and wondered if I should have told him that I was gay myself. I pressed the button and the elevator's door closed.

They were both chatting as usual when I stepped out of this modern piece of art - I meant the dorms. "So guys, let's get going," Georg said and we headed to the inner city. It made no sense to take the car since it was clear that we would have a parking problem downtown and the public transport from university was quite good. We all talked with each other as if nothing had happened - though I had to admit that between Daniel and me the conversations weren't as strong as they used to be. At least Georg didn't notice that, and he was all happy and cheery as usual. I didn't like it the way it was. I wanted Daniel to know that I didn't have any problem with it, but it seemed as if he was having a full fledged problem with what he had done. I thought that he couldn't have made his mistake with someone better than me. After all he elected the right person to give a kiss to - he had luck, what if I was a complete homophobic bastard? He really had luck with me and I felt that he should appreciate it. We stood in front of the cinema and noticed that the flick we were about to see was running in one of the smaller theaters there - this wasn't a good sign about the quality of the movie, but I kept my mouth shut and didn't say anything. "3 ticket's for 'Cookies Fortune' please," Georg said to the man on the counter. "By the way, is the film any worth seeing?" he asked that man, and the guy told him something which neither Daniel nor I could understand. "Okay, I will take the 3 of the other than," he said and I was wondering what was happening. Georg turned around to us with the tickets in the hand, apparently not for the film we wanted to see in the first place. "I changed my mind, we're gonna watch 'Blast from the past'," he said with a grin. I didn't care too much about which film we were going to see. "That's okay Georg," Daniel said. Apparently he didn't care either. Somehow I knew that Daniel wouldn't sit next to me in the cinema and so Georg was in the middle, me on the left side, and Daniel sitting to Georg's right. Georg was talking a lot, I thought that he had noticed that there was something between Daniel and me, so he kept on babbling and tried to start a conversation while the ads were running. I felt awkward, really awkward and it wasn't a way this could continue. I was feeling bad for Georg since he didn't know what was going on . I could see that he was feeling something, but he didn't know what it was. I tried to ignore what had happened and concentrate on the ads they were showing. Some of them were pretty funny and I started to laugh and I could literally see how Georg was getting relaxed. Poor guy, poor sweet guy, he seemed to care a lot about me.. I sighed within me and wondered why Georg wasn't the one who had kissed me. Of course, not with that strange reaction afterwards. The film was pretty interesting and it was funny to see that the guys locked themselves up in a bunker for more than 30 years. While I was very deep into that film I felt like putting my right arm onto the armrest, just to find out that Georg already had his arm there. The armrest was broad enough so I kept mine there. I could feel the presence of him; there was a warmth, so sweet and gentle that it distracted me from the movie entirely. I moved around in my chair, pretending that I had to reposition myself but my true intention was to get my hand closer to his hand. I wanted to be as close as possible to Georg without him noticing it. The plan failed: I got a bit too close to him since part of my hand was now lying on top of his hand. His hand felt so nice and warm, I could feel his very light and soft hair on his hand and I had the ultimate decision now: I could draw away my hand now or wait what he would do. I felt the tension rising in me: If I let my hand there it could be interpreted in some way. I decided to wait and to see what would happen - this physical contact with him caused my heart's pace to increase; I found it somewhat silly though that my body reacted this way! I felt warm and good and never thought that only touching him this delicately would have such an effect on me. Looking at him trough the corner of my eyes, I tried to figure him out. It was too dark to see him properly, but what I definitely knew was that he didn't take his hand away, any other guy would have drawn his hand away by now, but he didn't. I was completely stiff and I started to breath very lightly and was enjoying this delicate touch. It was so terribly less what I was doing, but the feelings were overwhelming me. Georg still didn't move his hand away. We stayed like this for another 3 minutes which was pretty sweet for me, when Georg suddenly moved his hand around in a swift move and held my hand. ... Now I was really in a stun. I was fascinated by the happenings, I didn't expect this to happen at all and I could not believe what was going on, we were holding each other's hands, just like little teenagers but still so much different than that. Could it be true that my cute, damn sexy looking friend is as gay as I am?? It had to be true, there wasn't any explanation to this anymore in terms of friendship. This was more than being friends and I let myself go. His hand felt so good and powerful. Getting bolder, I released my hand from his grip and started to move my finger along his arm, stroking it gently and touching his very delicate hair. We were both looking to the screen while I was doing this. Georg moaned so softly I hardly heard, but I heard it for I think he wanted me to hear it. He grabbed my hand again which was exploring his arm and hold it real tight. The film became completely irrelevant to me. I knew that Georg felt like I felt, if it wasn't such a stupid place and an odd timing, I would have cried out, would have thanked the almighty or whomever, that my friend turned out to be the way I am. I felt so great at this point. Georg and I we both tried to get as close in the chairs as possible without anybody noticing it but there wasn't too much space we lost between us. Daniel was sitting over there not knowing what was going on. If he knew I thought.. if he knew... I quickly digressed from thinking about Daniel and tried to concentrate on Georg, this handsome hunk, with his deep ocean-blue eyes which I would have liked to see right now, but could not. I wanted to run with my hand trough his lovely spikey hair (he used styling-gel which made his hair all stiff so there was nothing much to run trough) and kiss him. Nevertheless I had to wait for that, I wondered what he was thinking at that moment. He was holding my hand, sometimes squeezing it a bit harder and I felt that he wanted to tell me so much but couldn't yet, we would have to wait. I was dreaming with open eyes, Georg, the jock, was gay. I couldn't believe it. I never believed in the stereotypes people had about gays and so I was just confirmed with Georg, that there are people, where one would never expect them to be gay. I was smiling the whole time in the movie and could not help it. Just thinking about him and having his hand in my hand made my lower body go out of control and I had one hell of an erection. I released my hand from his and started to run my hands up his thighs. His body was perfect, I could feel the muscles in his jeans and I ran my hand a little bit more up so that it disappeared under the sweater and T-shirt he was wearing. Georg was breathing now very lightly and I was exploring the most defined abs I had felt yet (for I could not see them), it was like a wash-board and I could feel that Georg was enjoying every second my hand was exploring his upper body. My exploration had to end there (I wanted to feel his pecs though), else the twist of my arm would have revealed what I was doing. As the lights turned on, we released our hands, which were a bit sweaty from holding so long, stood up and went straight to the exit. I was quicker and waited for him. He came out with a huge, silly but very loveable grin on his face, and I think I must have had the same silly grin on my face. "Hey man, Kaneda, you liked that flick?" he asked. "Georg, it was GREAT! A real GREAT movie!" We both started to laugh hysterically and Daniel was looking at both of us with a puzzled face. "Guys, it wasn't THAT good, so get a grip." "No no Daniel, it really was very good, I liked it," I told him, still having that silly grin on my face. "Yeah man, there was so much more than expected in this movie. Somehow it was a revelation for me," Georg said, grinning like a moron (but a very very cute one though). "What? You guys are trying to bullshit me, right?" Daniel asked. "Ah, no way Daniel, let's head home," I said. "Yeah, I feel like going home too," Georg said, looking at me, both being partners in crime. "Sure," Daniel said. I felt bad for this guy, even in this moment of happiness for myself, I wasn't feeling too good seeing him this way. But I decided to cope with that later on, after Georg and I had settled some things. "Let's head home!" I said ecstatically. Georg and I didn't say much on the whole drive back to the dorms, we were just grinning pretty silly and laughing about nothing. Daniel couldn't understand what was going on. I didn't know if he did or if he cared about it. Probably he felt excluded - but we weren't saying anything at all. After 20 minutes we were standing in front of our buildings. "I will go up and hit the sack," Daniel said. "It's only 7 PM? Are you serious?" Georg asked more out of politeness than anything else. "Yeah, had a tough day," he replied. "Well I am going to get myself some cigarettes, " I filled in, seeing that Georg's eyes went wide open. "Okay you do that Kaneda, I am going up already," Daniel said and disappeared inside the building. I looked at Georg and he had a puppy's look on his face, Jesus, was he cute, I could not believe it. "Man Georg, relax, I was just telling him that, didn't want to tell him that I am going up to your place. Would have suggested something probably. Just being careful. And does it mean that you cannot go with me when I get some cigs?" I could see how Georg's face lit up already and a smile shone on his face. Even cuter I thought. "So let's not stand here and get going," I said. While we were in the elevator we stared at each other, and I think neither of us was believing what had just happened in the cinema. We entered his room and he shut the door behind himself. I didn't let any second pass and turned around towards him, grabbed him and hugged him so hard while kissing him softly on his lips. After some seconds we released each other. "Woohah Kaneda.. I still cannot believe it's.... it's like a dream coming true," he said, looking at me with his cute eyes. "Damn Georg, I never thought that you would be.. " "Gay, say it Kaneda, I am gay, and I fell for you the first day I saw you, but I never believed that you were.." "Gay," I interrupted him and holding him in my arms. "Yeah man, damn I don't like that word, let's say, I didn't know you were as different as I was. I am so happy, I am so damn happy, and actually I didn't know what to do back in the cinema, if I should grab your hand or not, for I wasn't too sure if your hand resting on my hand was meaning anything, and, ..," he inhaled deeply since he kept on talking without breathing at all. I grabbed his hand and hold it. I looked into his eyes and lost myself in them. We both stood there and I was fascinated by his looks. "What about taking a seat, hunk?" I said to him and smiled. His room wasn't too big and the only place we both could sit close to each other was his bed. "Has anybody told you how cute you are Georg?" "Nobody I cared for so far, you're the first one and it sounds so good, too good Kaneda," he smiled. "Has anybody told you how sexy -you- are?" he asked me. "Yes, lots of guys. You're not the first one," I said seriously, but not meaning it seriously, and could see how he looked down a bit and had this puppy's eyes again. He was killing me with that look. I drew him even closer to me and whispered into his ear, "You saying these words to me count, only from you Georg, and only from you it sounds genuine to me. I was just teasing you a little, forgive me." He looked into my eyes, smiled and he wanted to kiss me as the telephone rang. I laughed out. "Just like in a movie!" "Yeah man, Murphy's Law, ain't it?" "Well just pick it up and tell whoever it is to fuck off and not disturb us errr.. you anymore," I said with a laugh. "Okay Kaneda-san!" Georg picked up the phone.

"

Hello?

Kevin? You know what? I'll call you later on

Yeah, I will buhbye "

"It was Kevin, wanted to tell me something about that flat he found. Whatever. Where did we stop?" he asked. I grabbed his head and kissed him deep and passionately, our tongues touching each other lightly. "That's where we left," I said and smiled. Georg stood up, went to his PC and fired up the MP3-Player. "Some nice tunes.." 112 backed up with Mase started to sing "Love Me", a track I liked a lot though I never heard too much hip-hop or soul or whatever it was. "Georg, .. pinch me please!" "What?" "Please?!" I said begging him. Georg came over and pinched my side. "So what was that for?" I was just thinking that I might be dreaming again, but the little pain was far too real to be just a dream. "Might sound silly, but I thought I was dreaming Georg, but I am not, yeah!" Georg looked at me as if I went nuts, but adoring me the same time. "Man Kaneda, you're so lovely," he said and threw himself onto me. He was lying now on top of me and we were looking into each others eyes. "Kaneda.....," Georg said, and I could see his eyes water. "Kaneda.. I love you man, I love you so much, damn I loved you from the first day I saw you," he said, having tears on his face. I wrapped my arms around him, pressed him against my body and he rested his head on my chest. I wasn't able to see Georg weeping, it killed me. "Georg, .. Georg.. I never thought you really would be gay. I hoped a couple of times you were but was never sure. You are so manly. I was never sure," I said trembling cause I was having so many feelings at the same time. Georg looked up to me and gave me another kiss on my lips. It was so sweet and gentle, if it was the last thing I had felt on this earth, then I would have been happy to have lived only 19 years. I made us turn around and now we lay next to each other. He held my hands and I loved the feeling of his warm hands. I never had paid attention to how beautifully shaped his hands were. "You know Kaneda, even if you hadn't touched my hand in that way back in the cinema, I was unable to handle it. I didn't know what to do anymore, I couldn't bear it. I was about to tell you about me either way, but I feared that I would loose your friendship," he said and again his eyes watered. "Really? ...... Man you're so damn cute. What if I wasn't gay... Well I think I wouldn't have stopped being friends with you. You're such a nice guy. How can somebody stop being friends with such a nice guy, No, you're my nice guy now - and you're damn sexy," I said grinning to him. "Is it so?" he said, smiling. I dried off his tears and ran my finger down his face. I moved closer to him, touching his chest trough that sweater and the t-shirt he was wearing. "How do you feel now?" I asked. "Reliefed and a lot better," he said smiling. He grabbed me and gave me a deep kiss with our tongues touching each other. It was pure ecstasy what I felt. I stroke his body while we kissed, and moved slowly downwards to his crotch. Feeling that he had a very hard bulge in his pants I started to stroke it gently. I wanted to be closer to him and to have him. It felt right, it felt absolutely right. He broke off the kiss and looked into my eyes and smiled. "What?" I asked smiling at him. He started to unbutton the shirt I was wearing and he was kissing each spot of my body which was revealed by his doing. I moaned in pleasure. He undid the last button and took the shirt off of me, exposing my chest. I could see from his eyes that he liked what he was seeing and now I started to take off his sweater and then his t-shirt. He had a real cool build and I could see in detail now what I had missed earlier in the shower. His chest was defined and he had the most sculptured abs I hadn't even dreamt of he would have. His chest was smooth as mine was but he had a fine trail of hair running from his belly down into his pants. I loved his sight. I kissed him on his neck, sucking it a bit. Georg moaned. That was the sign for me to continue and I kept on kissing him on his neck, licking his skin a little barely touching it with my tongue. I pressed my body against his warm body and hold him tight. I still couldn't believe what was happening. Georg ran his hands over my back massaging it with his hands. I felt a warm sensation running through my body, which was electrifying. We released from our lock and Georg started to kiss me on my neck, going down my body inch for inch until he reached my nipples. While he started to suck my nipples which made me unbelievably hot, his hands tried to unbuckle my belt. He slowly unbuttoned my pants and made me stand so he could lower them. He let go from my nipple and looked into my eyes and I nodded. He slowly lowered my pants.. inch for inch, revealing my boxers which had a very noticeable bulge. He started to kiss my thighs and I felt that my dick had started leaking already. I stepped out of the trousers standing in my boxers in front of him. I looked into his beautiful eyes and started to get his pants down. The silky feel of that pants was turning me on and what was beneath it, turned me even more on. I wasn't as slow as he was and soon he was only wearing his CK underwear. He had really beautiful thighs, with a delicate cover of light black hair on it. His body was remarkable and I loved every squareinch of it. His manhood was making a huge bulge in his CKs and it was urging to be released. I looked into Georg's eyes and he knew what I wanted to do and I slowly freed his dick from it's soft prison, adoring his rock hard 7-incher. Georg slowly took off my boxers and my 6-incher stood there in an erection it was hard to bear for me. He started to message my balls with one hand, and gave me a kiss the same time. With his other hand he drew me closer to him and our dicks touched. I kept on kissing him, stroking his long shaft softly. His body spasmed when I first touched the tip of his dick and he moaned out loud. I continued to stroke his adorable lovestick and broke the kiss. I started to kiss my way down to his naval, taking my time, following the trail of hair down to his dick which was wet from pre-cum already. I massaged his balls and then lubed his shaft with my saliva and his precum, stroking it gently. "Kaneda, it feels so good,..," he said breathing heavier.I continued to stroke his dick and grabbed his back with my other hand His dick-head was completely moistured now by the mix of saliva and precum. I continued to stroke and now it was Georg who started to message my dick with his hand. He drew me closer to himself and his grip around my dick became tighter, causing his movements to make me even wilder than before. With my free hand I grabbed his ass and gave him another kiss increasing the pace of my stroking. Georg's breathing was becoming heavier and I knew that when I continued now he would cum soon. He looked down at our dicks and used my own precum to lube my dick even more. The movement of his hand on my shaft got smoother and I felt how this certain feeling was building up which meant I was getting closer to my climax. I broke the kiss with him and started to suck his neck and lick it a bit. The same time I moved my hand around his dickhead using his leakage for lubing his shaft and continued to stroke him gently but firm. His breathing was very heavy now and I felt how the muscles in his body were contracting. I grabbed his butt and squeezed it while kissing his pecs and increasing the speed of my stroking. Georg came with a moan and shooted 5 times all over my abs and dick which was dropping loads of pre-cum already. He had stopped stroking me for some seconds but seeing him cumming made me even hotter so that the tension in me got even higher. I felt how he was getting weaker and I held him in my arms while he came and pressed him against me, making the cum wet our bodies. Georg looked at me and saw me breathing heavily; feeling his warm cum on my body made me even more hot. He slowly went down, touching my body with his tongue and he kissed my abs softly while running his hands over my thighs. With one hand he grabbed my ass and started squeezing it and with the other he ran over my abs which were wet and slippery by his cum lubing his hand with it. Georg came up again and he gave me another kiss while his hand started to stroke my dick tighter and faster than before. "Oh fuck, I am cumming, fuck, I am cumming," I nearly yelled. I was beyond the point and shot my load in 4 hot packages onto him. I collapsed into his arms and he held me there, strong and tightly. "I love you Kaneda, I hope you know how much I love you, I'll never stop loving you," he whispered into my ear. "I love you too Georg... where have you been in my life yet? Where?" I said to him, realizing my love for him, and tears of joy were running down my cheeks. "I could ask you the same, my gorgeous almond-eyed stud.. What matters is that we have found each other," Georg said, kissing me on my forehead.

We lay there for some time until we decided to clean up the mess we had made. I took a towel and we cleaned off our bodies, adoring each other. We partly dressed ourselves and Georg kept on smiling to me the whole time long. "That was damn hot," I said to Georg, breaking the silence. "Yeah man, I loved it. Kaneda, please come over here and just hold me," Georg said. I went to him to the bed, still only wearing my pants, sat beside him and wrapped my arms around him. "My cute hunk, your eyes are so damn beautiful. You have such a wonderful look in your eyes sometimes. You look like a puppy." He started to grin, "No come on, I don't look like a puppy..?" "Oh sure you do, and it looks so cute when you do that. Let me think, the last time you had this look in your eyes was when I told you that I would go to the cornershop for some cigs." "Hey, that's when I get a bit sad," he exclaimed. "Yeah that might be, but you get this real innocent look in your eyes and I love it," I replied. "Oh, so you only love my eyes then?" he said, having this look in his eyes again. "I love every part of you Georg, .. are you fishing for compliments..?" I asked him sarcastically. "Well.." "No, don't say anything, I would love to give you compliments the whole time long, so don't worry about it." Georg put his arms around me and had one of the most silliest grins on the face I had seen so far. What a cutie! "My cute demi-japanese lover, I don't need no one but you." "Yeah sure," I played with him. I could not be too serious, I didn't know why. I felt a real lot for this guy, he was so damn cute, and I thought that I loved him for I had never felt real love before. I just concluded that what I was feeling at that moment,that it was love. The MP3-Player had just started to play the list from the top and 112 and Mase were playing again. "

Baby whenever I am with you,

no one else exists but you,

cause you're the one for me..

Every time that we're apart,

you're always in my heart..

and there you'll always be," Georg sang along, and he was singing real great, I was astonished. He hardly had an accent in his English. "Wow, that for me or what?" I said and grinned heavily. He laughed out loud, and said, "you opened up my heart baby, and that's how I feel right now, actually it was how I felt about you the whole time, I always had you on my mind, nobody else. Kept on daydreaming about you lots of times." "You really did? Don't bullshit me, I'm not that special," I replied. "Of course you are. There were so many occasions I was daydreaming about you in some way. The last one.. well let me think,.. was when you caught me humming that Pet Shop Boys track." "Oh really? I never thought you would be daydreaming about me. Man,.. this is.. cute!" Georg laughed out loud. "I never wanted to sound cute! After all, I am a guy, man! Treat me like a guy..well a guy loving guys.. ," he said and laughed out loud. "I know Georg, no worries, let me put it differently: You are the sexiest and most handsome hunk I have known yet," I said and hold him tight. Georg completely relaxed in my arms. "You know Georg, I was searching for a guy, somebody who was or rather is certain of what he is doing and what he is feeling, and is not just hot for a fuck. You're that kinda guy, you're 'The-Man' I've been looking for." "I am just so happy that you feel at least a bit like I do," Georg said, and I was somehow shocked that he still felt that he was less important to me than I was to him. "No come on, I love you as much as you love me, I really do. Even though we only -really- know each other for a couple of hours, I am certain that I do," and I ran my fingers trough his stiff hair. He moved himself even close to me. We were sitting or rather half-lying there on the bed for some more minutes when Georg broke the silence. "Kaneda, don't you think that Daniel was behaving really oddly today?" I tried to portray it as if Daniel was only weird when we came out of the cinema. "Come on, how would you feel like when your best friends start grinning at each other like morons, laugh about stupid, moreover non-existent things. It would distract you too right? He didn't get it I would say," and hoped he wouldn't ask more cause if he did ask the right questions, I wouldn't want to lie to Georg. I felt so close and attached to him already. Why was I saying already? I knew him for pretty long by now and we had shared many things together, we studied together, went to the same gym, went to the flicks together. Nerly everything I was doing, I was doing it with either Daniel or Georg. Sometimes Kevin would be there aswell but mostly it would be Georg and Daniel. That Georg was gay was a very crucial part of him as a being, I got to know him even better trough this. I think that's why I felt so attached to him already and had so less a problem to let myself fall for him. But now he was asking me about Daniel, the guy who had revealed himself earlier to me. "Hmmm... that is true, but he was all weird before that, and he was behaving oddly with you; he would not talk properly to you. Actually I felt like kicking him for treating you this way." Georg was good. I didn't think he would have noticed it. But with whom was I playing this game? Georg was as good in assessing people as I was for we both were closeted guys and I assume that he, just like me, would notice people's behaviour, especially men's behaviour more than others. "You are right, he behaved odd." "So.. do you know why?" God! I felt bad already that I had reacted so idiotically when Daniel 'came out' to me and I didn't want to step from one mess into another. Georg was a cute guy and he deserved to know the truth. I really felt love for him, it sounded somehow strange to me for feeling this way so fast, but I felt so attached to this guy already and I didn't want to lie to him. At the same time I had given Daniel my promise that I wouldn't tell no one about him. This would include Georg. But Georg was also gay, and moreover very special to me by now, so wasn't it okay if I told him? I was in a dilemma. It was a moral conflict not easy to solve for me, and right now I had to think quick about a satisfying solution. I looked over to Georg and he was looking at me with his wonderful blue eyes and had such a warm smile on his face.. Jesus.. why should I lie to this guy? Why?? I decided to take all substance out of the case. I would just say that we had a quarrel and that I would make up with Daniel. Georg wasn't a too curious guy and I hoped he would not dig too much into it. "Well Georg, " I sighed out loudly, " Daniel and I had quarreled after I went back. We quarreled about that stupid game. It's not too important, I will make up with him." "Huh? Daniel ain't the type of guy to take something amiss that long. He is very much forgiving," Georg said and I knew he had a point there. I was feeling even lower now. This wasn't a good start for a relationship with Georg. I was feeling so low, but how could I keep up my promise with Daniel if I tell Georg? "Kaneda.. tell me what's the matter, I can see that something is bothering you," he said with a soft voice. I decided that there was no other way than telling him what was bothering me. "Georg.. I can't hide anything from you.. but .. I just want to ask you something..

Georg, you and me are a bit closer than close to each other now, right?" "Right! I am yours man, do you have any doubts? I'd die for you babe!" "Aw man, don't get corny, you sound like a macho-hero straight out of a movie!" I said and laughed a little. "Damn! You're right!" Georg said and grinned sheepishly ", and I always found such lines pathetic and now I am saying it myself. But I mean it though. Kaneda, that's how I feel for you..," he added with a very soft voice in the end. "Man Georg, I would never want that to happen, what would I do without you??" I hold his hand real tight and smiled at him. "But let me continue with Daniel..... What I want to say is that there is a bit more with Daniel, and..... I cannot tell you now because I have given him a promise that I wouldn't tell. So please, don't ask me what it is, because I feel that you, my cute hunk, with your damn cute eyes and your cute smile, would make me so weak that I would still tell you and then I would feel sooo low, cause I would break my promise to him." I could see how Georg's face got clouded for a split second but then an innocent smile returned. He sighed and said, "Okie-dokie Kaneda. Whatever it is there with Daniel, try to fix it. He's a good, a nice cool guy, ...well uh he ain't my type," he laughed a little and continued, "but he is a very good friend.. of course you are a better friend, well,uh, what am I saying!? You are.." I put my finger on his lips and thought of the way Georg was able to show his feelings for me; his soft side. He seemed to be hell of a caring guy and apparently thought a lot about everything. What I could see was that he was in love with me; I could see and feel it He gave me such an importance which made me feel great. "I know what you want to say Georg, you don't need to say it. You're my man, my hunk, and a very caring one too," I said, holding him an arm's length away from me and then hugging him again. "Kaneda, this all still is like a dream to me.." Georg said. "Same here," I paused for a while, enjoyed the moment and then added, "I had to think about our conversations in the cafe." "What's with them Kaneda-san?" "Uh, that's so informal Georg!" I had noticed him saying this earlier. "What?" "The 'san'," I said and smiled at him. "Ah, well it sounds cute to me though... I won't say it if you mind." "No no, if you like it, then use it. I know that you have a different meaning for it," I said and grinned. He smiled back at me and said, "So what was with the conversations?" "We talked about chicks the whole time Georg, chicks which didn't exist!" I laughed out and I found it so funny that we were telling each other stories of chicks which had never existed. "Hey no, I had some chicks Kaneda," he said and looked at me. "Really?" "Yeah, but you know, it never truly worked out. I mean I never felt anything. I was a damn horny bastard back then and would screw around for the sake of it. And most of the girls liked me, and I had lot's of dates. I don't feel too proud about it for it was not right... broke those girls' hearts." "..." "Kaneda, I just realized later on that I only got aroused by men. I would jack off thinking about guys in my room; thinking about some of the other jocks in my basketball team and it wouldn't take me long to cum," he said, looking down. "Oh well.. Actually how did you manage not to get a full fledged erection in the showers with your team?" I asked him, being really curious about it. "Now that's an easy one, a) I never looked at the studs and b) I never looked at interesting parts of their bodies." Of course this was only an introductory-question to what was coming now. "Did you look at me earlier Georg?" I could see how Georg blushed, but that was not what I wanted him to do. "Yeah man, I looked at you from time to time and had a hard time at times, I mean I had a -hard- time," he said and giggled," but I managed to keep me under control. But while we're at it.. were you looking at me?" "Uh.., I wasn't really. Wait wait, before you think wrong, let me explain! If I had looked at you for more than a second, I would have had a rock-hard rod in the showers and that would have been really embarrassing. So, even though I wanted to look at you, I didn't look at you too often." "Oh boy, if I only knew.... uh.. we could've 'misbehaved' in shower," Georg said, mimicking Austin Powers, and laughed out loud. I laughed along with him when the telephone rang - again. Georg looked at me and I sighed. He picked up the phone.

" Hello?

Man, Kevin, I told ya I will call ya back!

Well okay, I have some time. So what's up?

Already on Monday? Hmm! Well I don't have a problem with it.

Yeah, I will tell him when I see him, don't worry. What have you been doing?

WHAT? You're going out with that chick you met in the club last night?

Man, I wished I had so much luck

Okay, have fun, laters

Yeah, bye "

"It was Kevin, he just wanted to tell me that we will have to move into that flat on monday if we wanna have it." "WHAT?" I yelled. "Yeah! Tomorrow. Well whatever, I told him that I am okay with it. And I assume that you will be also okay with it. Kaneda.. think man.. think..." I thought about it and got what Georg meant. "... oh... yes.. we can be together without them getting too curious about anything.. Great. I don't think you wanna be out, do you?" "Nopes, have no plans to do so - why should I? When I have the guy of my dreams with me." "Same here. Nobody needs to know. We will just share a room. It's better than you or me hanging always around each others place the whole time long. Of course we'll have to be careful." "Man this is going to be great... I am looking forward to it," he said and smiled. I smiled back at him and looked at my watch. "Okay, well.. Georg, it's already 11PM, I better head back to my room." Georg looked at me, and his smile turned a bit evil. "Ahan? And for what do you want to go back there?" God, I had completely forgotten. I didn't need to go there. For what? I could stay with Georg here, wouldn't be a problem! "Man, I am an idiot! I will stay here - if you don't mind.. ?" "What a question babe. My room is yours, which includes all of it's contents - even me," he said and grinned. "Offer accepted," I replied and hugged him again. We just lay there like that, caressing each other, and me running my hands trough my love's hair from time to time. I loved doing that and after an hour or so, sleep overcame both of us and we drifted into the land of dreams.

It was about 11PM and Daniel was not feeling too well. He was in his room, all alone, with no lights on lying on his bed. He had relaxed a bit in contrast to how he felt before but now he was feeling somehow 'stripped' in front of Kaneda. There was no way to undo his kiss, he was 'out' to Kaneda. But it was so wrong! Kaneda knew now how he felt and the same time Daniel had this thought he screamed a little for he didn't want this feelings at all. He tried to analyze what had driven him to kiss Kaneda. It wasn't an easy task for him to do since he was denying the fact that he was feeling anything, and behaving this way, he could not come to a rational explanation for his doings. After thinking (and not thinking the same time) about his kiss, Daniel felt even worse. He tried not to open himself up to the feelings he had deep in himself. He wouldn't let them surface again he promised himself. Daniel just wanted to be as normal as any other guy. But this picture of normality appeared to him like a puzzle which was nearly complete but with one part missing. He felt that a rather bad and dark side of his self had deliberately taken and burnt the piece in front of his eyes, destroying the chance of putting this fragile puzzle back together. He knew that he was absolutely conscious when his lips had touched Kaneda's. He had seen his hands move towards Kaneda's head. He had felt like he was a spectator in his own body that time. Daniel didn't know what to do. One could see that he needed help but he strongly refused any help he would get. It didn't fit his concept of being a tough, straight guy to be helped. Daniel, looking up to the roof, with empty eyes, sobbed a bit and he felt that his eyes were watering. He needed somebody to hold to and Daniel knew that himself deep inside. He needed somebody who would just be there for him. He felt so helpless and confused, not knowing what to do. "Kaneeeda," he said and his voice broke even with this small word. He kept on laying there, crying softly for being the way he was and not seeing any help in sight. He was alone. Kaneda knew about him [He felt alone]. 'So what' a part of him thought [He was alone]. Another part thought that sooner or later Kaneda would tell everybody and fuck up his life [He had no friends]. Another voice suggested that he would look low of him [He was a fag]. The voices in his head intensed with every second and more and more possibilities were put into his consciousness [He was alone]. But one of these voices had a deeper impact on him [He could not be helped]. It was a soothing, solution-offering voice [He could not be cured]. It was something which would help him immediately [He was biological waste]. It was so easy to do, and everything would have no importance to him anymore [He was redundant]. Slowly the other voices in his head got lower and lower until he only heard one firm voice in his head saying the same word again and again [He was a sinner]. He felt so reliefed, he had a solution [He was gay]. It was a solution [He deserved death]. He started to form the word he was hearing with his lips: "Jump," he said, with no intonation. It was 'jump'. Jump into nothingness. Jump out of existence. Jump out of your worries. Jump and end this pain. Jump and feel better, Jump and you will be save. Jump and you won't worry. Jump and erase your existence. Jump and abide to the will of society. Jump............ Jump................ Jump........ His mind was filled with this word and he knew what he would have to do. It was so easy. Daniel stood up and moved slowly towards the window, having the jump-mantra in his mind which seemed like a revelation to him. The chilled wind of the night blew into his face, drying the tears from his blue eyes and brushing away his brown hair from the face. It felt like the wind was caressing him, touching him gently and feeling for him. Daniel stood up and was now standing in his bed, and if he had bend forward enough, newton's law of gravity would have been confirmed again. Daniel was still in pain, feeling unimportant and not of any value. This kid hated the way nature had created him. He had grown weak and wanted to end his worthless life prematurely.

To be continued. ---------------

wow.. this one took longer than expected :). As usual I am open to any critics and suggestions you have, and please let me know what you think of the development of story. tsuzahara@yahoo.com Thanx :)