Amanda-the truth
The following story is true. I did not take any dramatic license, fudge the truth. I am about to pour my heart out. Ican't do that if it is not all true. The beauty of the internet is that I can finally tell people who and what I am without anyone knowing my true identity, things I can't even tell my therapist. As Jack Webb used to say "Just the facts ma'am." It took me an hour to write, edit and finally send off to Nifty so excuse any misspelling or grammar mistakes.
If you have been reading my Amanda's Fantasies story's I am about to apologize in advance. There is no cross dressing, transvestite. There is transgender part of me. I have always felt in my mind that I am a woman.
It's funny how the mind sometimes can't take hints. Thinking back, I was three or four. I was standing peeing.
My mother came by and I said to her "when I become a girl I'll have to sit." Hint number one.
About the same time my mother had a skirt she was going to throw out. I told her I wanted it and she let me have it. Hint number two. I wanted the skirt.
I walked around with it on and walked in front of the TV, some kid's show with live actors. I panicked that they could see me. My father came home and saw me. "I thought I had a boy, not a little girl" he said. A couple of days later the skirt was gone. My parents didn't want me to wear it.
I started masturbating pretty young. Four or five. Sometimes I would dream about being a girl, yet another hint. I always and to this day masturbate like a woman, get on my side and rub it rather than jerk off. The dreams began to fade. Until I hit puberty.
I had a dream. I was totally dressed as a girl including hair and makeup. I had on a skirt and top and was walking down the street. Nobody noticed. I had many dreams like that; being cross dressed. I picked up my mother bra and said to my brother if he had his penis damaged would he become a woman. Hr gave me a blank stare. I started to cross dress wearing my mother's clothes. I took a pair of old jeans, cut them and sowed it into a skirt. I still wore her panties, panty hose and bra. I did this until my brother came home unexpectedly. I panicked, went into the closet (no pun intended) and changed. As he approached the room he asked why I was getting dressed in the closet. I had gotten everything but the panties and pantyhose left. I put on my jeans and realized he would be able to see my feet and the panty hose. I looked down at me feet.
I don't think he noticed. It has been almost thirty years and it's never been mentioned once. Needless to say I stopped and got rid of the denim skirt. The dreams continued and I started looking at woman in a different way, I was jealous. Jealous of being a woman.
My parents divorced and I started shuttling between the two. If I was at my mothers and knew she was out on a date, I would cross dress. Not only that but I would masturbate and throw my legs up and come in my mouth. Sometimes I was off target; getting it in your eyes is no fun.I'm not that limber anymore.
My mother went on a two week trip with her boyfriend. I used to cross dress and masturbate like that every day. My fantasies first were being fucked like a woman but not giving a blowjob. That changed. Then fine but no getting fucked up the ass that changed. I used to love going to the peep shows. I used to watch lesbian movies and wish I was one of them, straight movies where I was the girl- I loved when there was a facial. I used to sit in one of the booths, sit down (after wiping the seat with a paper towel) and jerk off. I noticed the places had begun to add she-male movies in some booths, Guess which ones I went to. I finally got my courage up and went into a gay bar and tried to pick up guy. He wasn't interested in bi-curious and I never tried again.
I have slept with many women; somewhere in the neighborhood of fifty in a thirteen year span (yeah 50 sounds like bullshit but it is true).All fifty of them I had to fantasize to come. Every one of them of them, as I fucked them I fantasized being the woman. For a while I couldn't come in them, they had to blow me while I fantasized (though they didn't know it) about being a woman.
When I was 24 I met the woman of my dreams. I had a feeling about her and hinted about being dressed up like a woman. Instead of going screaming out the room she thought that would be cool. We never went outside but the sex felt fantastic. She was going to graduate school in Michigan. I couldn't leave New York at the time. By the time I was ready to move and be with her she had moved on- to a woman. That was why she was so cool about dressing me up.
I dropped hints with some of the women I slept with more than the one night stands. I had one I thought I could try this with .At first she seemed to be into the idea but then backed out and broke up with me.
Right now, in my early forties I fantasize, even though I am married with a daughter. I am jealous of my wife and daughter. I walk down the street or at work looking at woman and wishing I was one of them. I constantly masturbate to straight(so I can imagine being the woman), she male movies and even gay movies.
I have this crazy fantasy that God will allow me to reborn as a woman but keeping my mind- not a copy but me so I can finally enjoy my life. I also know it will never happen. That's why I am on anti-depresents.That's why my life is hell.
This is the last story I am writing, I am keeping the tv_amanda_s@hotmail.com active and will check it time to time. Either scream at me for killing your fantasy about me (so many wanted to know what it was like walking around like a woman).Or share your true stories. I want this to be real, so keep it real.