Neither I nor Amber spoke much on the short drive home. Occasionally the silence was punctuated when I muttered the directions to my house, but it always renewed itself immediately after. I think we were both kind of surprised at ourselves, or at least I sure was. It was a little more difficult to tell with Amber because she always looked so self-assured. The only change in her behavior, as far as I could tell, was that she didn't look over at me for the entire ride. She appeared completely calm, cool, and collected. I'm sure she must be very adept at hiding things from the world at will. My mind was already racing a mile a minute, but this concept was just more proverbial wood into the fire. I wanted to know everything about her, every last secret, but I asked no questions.
My state of mind was best described as happy/ self-conscious/ jumpy/ embarrassed/ vexed/ energized. It was all very confusing. I'd board a train of thought, and a half of a second later it I'd be thrown off when the next one charged into the station.
"Turn left here. It's the third house on the right" I said.
Before I knew it, we had arrived at my place. Amber pulled into the driveway and set the car to park.
"Thanks for the ride" I said for lack of a better way to end the experience, as my brain was still not functioning properly. I doubted that even if it was I would have had the courage to say what was on my mind.
"You're very welcome" Amber responded genuinely.
"Well, I guess I'll see you at school tomorrow."
"I'll be there."
I looked at Amber. Amber looked at me. Then, she held out her hand as if offering to shake mine. We both smiled at the geekiness, but I placed my hand in hers. We held each other each other for a couple seconds, staring into each others' eyes, the windows to our souls wide open. Suddenly I was reminded of who I was, the shy little girl who would have considered this moment a distant dream had it crossed her mind just hours before. I felt extremely self-conscious, so I broke eye contact and let go. I turned away and opened the car door.
"Thanks again" I said, returning to my normal, withdrawn self.
"No problem" said Amber as I stepped out onto the pavement. I shut the door and she pulled away. I watched her until she was out of sight.
I walked into my house, ran upstairs, went into my room and closed the door. What could I have possibly been thinking? This wasn't me at all. I didn't even have any friends, let alone older, popular ones. I hardly knew this girl, yet I had allowed her to take the virginity from my lips.
I scrunched up my face in confusion over the person I was becoming. As much as I wanted to clear my head and forget, I needed to sort through it so I would be ready when I saw her tomorrow. I laid down on my bed and grabbed the stereo remote from my nightstand. I set it to disc 3 and pressed play. Sigur Ros. My absolute favorite band of all time. It always helped me think straight, and this time was no exception.
To decide where I wanted to go from here, I had to consider my options. I could change and try to make things work between me and Amber, or I could stay the way I was and pretend nothing happened. The prospect of evolving into an entirely different person, breaking through my shell and opening myself up to someone was terrifying. Proceeding with life as normal was comforting. Safe. Leaving that structured environment for something more was very risky, especially with a person like Amber. It's just asking to get hurt.
Do you like her? another voice in my head chimed in.
Yes, I do I thought back to myself. ...I really do.
It all became clear. I knew what I must do. There was no contest: Amber was my future. It was almost as though she was sent to change me, break me free of the bars I had placed around myself. Show me I was capable of being so much more than just that shy little girl everyone sees but nobody really knows. Once I set myself straight about how I felt about her, there was no contest.
I was ready.
Leaving for school the next day, I was confident and it felt great. As expected, the day passed slowly, but pass it did. During math, the period before study hall (the moment of truth if you will), my confidence began to falter. It was slowly being replaced with doubts. Doubts that maybe Amber was just leading me on. Maybe it was all some kind of sick joke. I got so flustered psyching myself out that I didn't realize the bell had rung. Silently scolding myself, I scrambled around in a frenzy, stuffing all my things into my bag. I zipped it up, tossed it over one shoulder and was almost on my way before I realized I left a couple papers. No time. I put them in my mouth and sprinted out of class, knowing I was already late. The combination of my lateness and concern for what the next period would decide for me caused my eyes to mist up.
I passed through the final stretch and practically flew through the doorway. I stopped dead in my tracks.
Amber wasn't sitting in her normal spot. In fact, none of her friends were there either. The table was completely empty. My heart plummeted to the ground and I stepped on it as I traipsed to my usual corner in the back.
Halfway there, I looked up. Amber was sitting in my spot, but she hadn't noticed me yet. She was leaning forward slightly, hands folded on the table in front of her. She was looking down serenely, just sitting, waiting. Waiting for me.
She was waiting for me.
Emotions crashed over me one after another. I caught the full blown effect of the scene in front of me. I felt like crying and laughing at the same time. She was just...so beautiful. So earth-shatteringly beautiful my mind went numb, my heart started working double-time, and my knees went weak. I was helpless to do anything except stare.
Amber finally looked up at me and smiled. I grinned from ear to ear and tested my legs to make sure they had started functioning properly again before I walked over to her and sat down.
"Hey!" said Amber, gorgeous green eyes glowing.
I was still out of breath, but I couldn't stop myself from bombarding her with questions vehemently. "Wait...what are you doing back here? Where are your friends? And why aren't you with them?"
"Well, my friend is standing right in front of me." I blushed and she laughed. "Oh, the guys all ditched today."
"But...you didn't want to go with them?"
"I did tell you I would be here." Amber shot me an empowering smile. "Plus, I really do need to take school more seriously. I can be with them any time."
We talked the whole period away. Well, Amber did most of the talking, but I loved every minute of it. For the past week and a half, I had been collection questions for her that had popped into my head, so there was plenty to talk about. Amber instigated most of the conversations, as I still wasn't quite 100% comfortable with her yet. Although I had only really gotten to know her for a couple days, I was starting to be able to read her better. I could tell she was trying very hard not to scare me off, but in return she was giving up a part of her personality. I considered the ultimatum from her perspective and found it to be surprisingly similar to my decision to put myself out there for her. This similarity proved to strengthen my attraction to her.
"So since class is almost over, I just have to ask if you might be interested in, you know, going out with me after school today. We could just like hang out at the park for an hour or something" asked Amber hopefully. "It's cool if you're not, so no pressure." There was a hint of vulnerability in the way she asked that made me feel even closer to her. "I know it's short notice, but..." her voice trailed off.
"Oh, uhh...okay. Yeah..." I stuttered. I quickly became more aware of myself and snapped out of it. "I mean yes. Yes, I am interested." And I was VERY interested.
"Okay" Amber said, regaining all of her confidence. She nodded her head slightly and looked at me. "Great."
I gazed back up at her for a second before I reflexively turned away. We were dismissed, and I followed the raven-haired beauty (haha) out to the car just as I had done the day we officially met. It seemed like an eternity ago even though it was just yesterday. We hopped in the car, and this time I chose the right seat on the first try.
"So is there anywhere you had your heart set on going to?" Amber asked me.
"Nothing I can really think of."
"Mmkay, then I have something in mind."
Amber drove around the back of the school to a woodsy, scenic route. For a second I thought she was taking me to Flaming Plateau, the make-out spot in our town. My eyes went wide and my mouth went dry. Amber noticed and almost asked me what was wrong when she must have realized what I was worrying about. I heard her snicker at a volume that almost certainly implied that she wanted me to hear. I was relieved to see the turnoff come and go. We stopped shortly after that at a place quite similar to the Plateau but completely devoid of people and pressure. We exited the vehicle and Amber looked over the top of the car to see my reaction. I stared out and saw nature as it had been for thousands of years. The sun was shining down on a skyline of heavily forested mountains, tops seduced by a wispy layer of clouds.
"It's beautiful..." my voice escaped to a whisper before I could finish my statement.
Amber smiled with a closed mouth so that it compacted and bunched up, giving off the impression of an elated child.
"Could you draw it?" she asked me, fires burning in her eyes.
"I could try" I laughed. "If you want me to."
The mood was so strong that she started laughing along with me for seemingly no reason. I liberated myself from my inhibitions for the day right then and there. Amber came over to my side of the car and took my hand. It felt great. She pulled me out into the middle of a grassy area. We were free, together, happy. It was almost like she completed me. Like she was my other half.
Amber leaned back and took me down with her. We fell to the ground, but our bliss cushioned the fall. The scene couldn't have been more perfect if it had been scripted. For the minute, I couldn't care less about the homework I hadn't finished, when I should get home, or what people would think.
"I don't know what it is, but you changed me. I'm a completely different person around you. I've never been so satisfied with taking it nice and easy like this. I mean, right now I'm so content just lying here together."
"Yeah, like the littlest things are the sweetest" I added.
"Exactly."
We stared up into the sky as we held hands. As my first step towards my own metamorphosis and into our blossoming relationship, I cuddled up closer to Amber. We had now let go of each others' hand and were on our side. Amber was up against my back and her hand snaked its way over my shoulder. In silence we listened to each other breathe, not taking a single second for granted.
Unavoidably, the contact made passions run high. Amber applied pressure to the hand already on my shoulder and then I was on my back again looking up at her. Her hair hung low and softly brushed against my face. She let gravity take her over and she leaned in slowly. I closed my eyes and gave my sense of touch full control. Amber initiated a sweet-tempered, affectionate kiss on the lips. We took it slow, smooth and easy, but it was very sensual. In the moment, Amber tried to slip in her tongue. Up until that point, I had been relying on instinct and it was going pretty well, but I wasn't exactly sure what to make of this. I opened my mouth wider and welcomed her. I kind of studied what she did and tried to mimic her movements. I felt the corners of her mouth raise slightly as if attempting to curve them into a smile.
We continued on for a while, but eventually all good things must come to an end. Amber sat up and we were forced apart. With one had she reached up, caught her hair in between her fingers and smoothed it back. It was however in vain, because when she let go it fell in exactly the same way. I loved it.
Amber exhaled loudly. "Well, if I don't stop myself now, you may never get home."
I looked down at my watch. "Oh, yeah it is getting late." I wasn't even aware of how long we'd been there. I took one last look at the now setting sun and Amber helped me up. We held hands all the way back to the car.
After yet another silent car ride, we arrived at my house. I grabbed my backpack and as I opened the door, I thanked Amber for the ride. I got ready to leave when she cleared her throat purposefully.
I turned back to her to see if what was up, and she stared back at me expectantly. I checked around to see if there was some atmospheric clue as to what I should do, but in the end I knew what she was essentially waiting for. I bent in close and gave her a quick peck on the cheek.
Amber's eyebrows raised and her mouth was slightly agape. She laughed in surprise. "We'll work on it."