He was tall and lean and despite his 79 years, strode easily, his body almost military in its bearing. His stroll along the park walk led him at last to a bench shaded by a massive copper beech. As he settled into the seat, his eyes fell on a knot of teenagers a short distance away and felt a twinge.
When he was that age he could see only the others his age in all their abundant vitality. Back then sexuality possessed him. The idea of sex was diffuse then, but was primarily auto erotic. He had begun masturbating before he knew what it was and before he had a word for it.
Back then, in that time and place, homosexuality was for him unthinkable. "Normal" boys lusted after girls, and there was nothing he wanted more than to be counted a normal boy. Anything else was not an option and he accepted this role without serious questioning.
And so the years passed and he married and had children and had his place in the company of men. And then, one evening, something happened to shake him to his foundation.
I was on a business trip with a younger colleague, and at the end of a long and stressful day of negotiations with representatives of our largest customer, Dan and I went to dinner and then went off to the piano bar to drink and listen to music. Dan was in his 20's, dark, terribly bright, articulate, funny, with a great future, but he did love to toss them back. Some time after midnight we settled up and started off to our rooms, which were adjacent. In the elevator it became clear that Dan was having trouble staying upright, so we both went off to his room first. I wanted to be sure he made it into bed, and when after some fumbling he produced his key, we entered. He stumbled over to the bed and simply crumpled up on it.
Feeling a bit paternal, I managed to get off his shoes and got him out of his jacket and neck tie. I undid his belt and trousers and tugged at them only to discover to my surprise that he was wearing no underwear. I then managed to remove the pants, his shirt and socks, and after finishing stripping him stood at the foot of his bed looking at him in his nudity. No Adonis, but really well put together.
I dropped his keys on the bureau and was about to turn to go when I took one last look. I could not turn away. Something inside of me stirred that I could not identify. He was lying close to the side of the bed, and I kneeled there as before an altar and put my face near his crotch. The odor from his genitals was more intoxicating than anything I'd been drinking that evening. Musk. Sweat. Maleness. And without thinking about it, I touched my tongue to the tip of his penis and tasted the dried urine.
I pulled back, shocked at myself. He did not stir. I leaned forward and touch my tongue to his penis again, this time more assertively. It began to stir into life.
And then, possessed by what demons I shall never know, I drew his penis into my mouth and rolled my tongue along the length of it. Dan sighed and stirred, and his hands reached down and stroked the top of my head, his eyes still shut.
He erected fully then. I was not practiced in this but I was driven by an urgent need to feel his penis deep into my mouth and throat. The pace quickened and slowed and quickened again, and after how much time I do not know, the penis pulsed as his hips arched up and he gasped. I tasted the salt sea and swallowed. I stood up slowly and stared at his now inert form, the final gobs of semen oozing out of his still engorged penis. I slipped out of his room and went to mine, in a state of confusion bordering on panic.
I brushed my teeth furiously, masturbated and showered and then lay awake for hours. Who in fact was I, I wanted to know. Was I the "normal" boy I'd always thought I was, or was I someone else? Was I in fact one of "them"? And should I feel guilty for being unfaithful to my wife? And what in hell does that mean, "unfaithful"? Does marriage confer title to the entire sexuality of the partner? And if so, had I not been unfaithful countless other times by masturbating alone? Just how was I to think about myself?
Next morning, as planned we met for breakfast in the hotel restaurant and went off to the airport to fly home. Neither ever mentioned the incident to the other.
The man moved slightly on the bench to keep in the early spring sun. Funny how experiences that seemed so traumatic at the time gain a new perspective with the passage of years, he mused. After that incident he had gradually come to accept the greater complexity of his sexuality, and a few months after the incident with Dan, he sought out other men. He was discreet, cautious. His sexual activity with his wife drifted into an amicable silence, the result of their mutual loss of interest in that part of their otherwise warm relationship.
And now his sexuality had moved full cycle, back to where it was when still a boy. He loved his own body, his self arousal, the joy of masturbation, and the sweet yearning as he looked at coltish teenagers. Only now his glances fell more often on the boys than on the girls.
He arose from the bench and strolled past them, congregated near a refreshment stand. As he walked by, they didn't notice him, of course. He was, after all, just another old geezer.