I remember the day I stood on my mother's grave, tears streaming down my face. She had been sick for a long time and I knew that she would die soon. But it was still a shock. And it hurt -- more than being blackmailed and beaten by Black and his friends.
It was the day I decided to change. I didn't want to be so weak anymore. I wanted to become a strong boy my mother could be proud of. Not someone who came home crying everyday. I wanted to show Black that I could be strong.
But I never got the chance to. My father got a job somewhere else and we left Brooklyn and went to another part of New York. I wanted to start a new life. I became a lot of money from my father and bought new clothes and started doing karate and taekwondo.
It was useless. I was too unsure of myself. I was uncertain and had trouble talking to other kids. My eyes always were staring to the ground. It's no wonder I didn't find any friends. But I met Mark and his friends. I'm not sure why they chose me. The school was huge and I'm sure there were other kids they could have chosen to beat. I wondered if there was something about me that said: come and beat me. I wont do anything.
I tried to do something, hit them back but they completely overpowered me and had fun beating the shit out of me at least once a week. About two years later I was pretty good at karate and taekwondo and I again tried to fight back. But that just pissed them off even more and I came home with more bruises than "normal".
I guess the other kids at school thought they were my friends. Mark often came to me, put an arm around my shoulders and whispered threats into my ear.
My father had no idea how terrible my life was. He rarely was home and we almost stopped talking. The only thing he did was to give me money and he brought Tanya into the house. Tanya is the only reason I didn't go insane during these years. She cooked for me and she also knew that my body was always covered with bruises.
I was changing and she came into my room and was shocked.
"Andrew Killian Clifford! What happened?" she asked.
I couldn't move. I just stood there and blankly stared at her. She turned and left my room. Then she came back with ointment and treated my bruises.
"Please don't tell my father."
"Oh boy. We have to do something against this. How long?"
"No! I can't. It's useless. I can manage."
"It's someone from school, right?"
"Yes."
"How long?" she asked again.
"Since... since the beginning."
"We definitely have to do something against this. They could be expelled or..."
"Please. No! I want to do this on my own."
"Why?"
I sobbed and then told her about Black and that I wanted to beat Mark myself. There would always be someone like them. It would be useless to just get rid of them.
She hugged me and then said: "You're so strong, my boy. I wont tell. But let me help you."
"How?"
"I know someone."
I agreed to meet him. He was an old guy and I had to call him Sensei, which means teacher in Japanese. He was one of the best fighters. I was sixteen at that time and it was two years since the death of my mother.
"What do you want?" Sensei asked.
"I want to become stronger." I answered.
"Why?"
"I don't want to get beaten all the time. They are bigger and more."
"You want revenge?"
"No. I just want them to let me be."
He nodded and then explained me that there is energy, Qi that flows through every body. And if one learned to use this energy his strength would increase very much. I visited him twice a week and learned a lot of things. He taught me how to use my energy in my karate and taekwondo. I also bought a punching bag and some other equipment to strengthen my bones. My father didn't know that I had my own trainings room in the basement where I trained for hours everyday.
For almost two years my life continued normal. I felt, that I wasn't strong enough yet to fight against Mark and his friends. I still got beaten at least once a week. But my body was stronger now and it almost didn't bruise anymore. I also gained a lot of self-confidence but didn't let it show.
The year was almost over and it was time for me to apply for university. My eighteenth birthday came nearer and I grew a few inches.
Completely exhausted I laid on the floor of my trainings room. But I was happy. I did it. I mastered the techniques completely. I could now direct and use my Qi.
"Andrew, you okay?" Asked Tanya. When she saw my room she was shocked. "What happened?"
She stared at my punching bag where the sand was coming out of the holes. And at the broken tree trunk, the bent metal bars... And then at my hands. They were just a little bit red.
"I did it!" I said.
"Incredible" She whispered. "I never thought you would learn so fast."
I nodded. The last year I spent uncountable hours in this room. But I didn't need it anymore.
"Thank you." I said.
"What for?"
"Everything. You were always with me. You brought me to Sensei. You're the best."
"I loved to do it. And now, boy, take a shower. Food is almost ready."
The next day I went to school I felt freer and better than in years. From today on I wouldn't let anyone push me down. From today on I could beat anyone. From today on I would look into the eyes of other people. Today would be the last day Mark and his friends came near me.
After the third hour I stayed for a moment and observed the others. Most were smiling, talking about coming events and parties -- and about dates. I never ever had a date. That mostly was because I had other problems. I was always completely fixed on my training. And I had to admit I wasn't really interested in girls. I didn't care for them at all. I didn't look at them like other guys.
When I left the room I felt Marks presence before he reached me. But I didn't flinch unlike the other days. He put an arm around my shoulders.
"Hey, how are ya, bud?" He asked. Sounds like a normal guy, I thought. I stared into his eyes. I had never really seen them. They were a light blue. I smiled.
"I'm great, bud."
His mouth opened. I had never answered like that. Then he pushed me away and left with his friends. Heh, that meant trouble after school.
The rest of the day I thought what the reason for Marks character could be. Why did he enjoy beating someone like me so much? Four years! And before Mark it was Black and his friends.
Mark and three of his friends caught me behind the school in the park. I knew what the fight would look like. I thought about it again and again. Always thinking how to give them some of their own medicine. I'd have to be careful not to hurt them too much. My hands and legs were now just like Sensei's. Deadly weapons.
"What was that?" Mark asked angrily. He wanted to hit me but something in my eyes must have told him to stop.
"I just answered your question."
"What do ya want? Loser!" Said one of his friends. He was the biggest and the one with the most muscles.
"From now on you will let me be!" I said.
"Trying to threaten us?" He asked. His fist came flying but before he could hit me I sent him flying. He crashed against a tree and fell to the ground. I hoped none of his bones were broken.
For a short moment Mark and the other two stared at me. Then they jumped me at the same time. About two seconds later, Mark was the only one standing. With him I took my time. I hit him hard a few times until he couldn't stand anymore. I kneeled next to him.
"Be glad I vowed not to take revenge." I said and went away. I called a teacher first and then left school.
"How's it going?" Tanya asked one evening.
"Great. I haven't seen Mark and his friends in two days."
"Oh." She just said. She had no pity. But she knew what my fists could do.
"Oh right. Here's a letter for you."
I opened it. "Wow. I was accepted to New York University!"
"Great." She looked at me for a moment.
"What?" I asked.
"I never told you and I don't think you know it..."
"What?"
"Did you ever look into a mirror?"
"Of course!"
"I mean really. You look so much stronger and more mature than before. And you are such a handsome if not gorgeous young man."
"Me?" I couldn't believe it. I, Andrew Killian, the weak, bullied guy was handsome?
Tanya smiled when she saw my face. "You got the looks from your mother."
"Ah..."
"Really. I'm sure women soon will surround you. I guess they didn't until now because you were too unsure. But you have changed a lot in these last months."
"Thank you... I guess."
"Oh right. Your father called."
"What did he say?" I hadn't seen him in weeks. He didn't always come home and travelled a lot. When he was home he always vanished in his room.
"He'll be back this weekend and..."
At that moment we heard someone cry and a dogs bark. I ran to the door. A huge dog was chasing a guy!
I ran to help him and just when the dog wanted to bite him I held his mouth. He fought hard and he was really strong. But I didn't let him go.
"Go inside!" I cried to the man. As soon he was gone the dog became less aggressive and I let him go.
"Thanks a lot." Said the man when I entered the house. I nodded and saw, that he was just a bit older than me. And he looked great -- so manly.
"Everything okay?" Tanya asked.
"Yes... erm, do you want to drink something or..." I asked him.
"No, it's alright. Thank you."
"Aw, come on. I already set the table." Tanya didn't wait for his answer and went to the kitchen. I grinned at the man and followed Tanya.
"What's your name?" I asked.
"Mike. And you are?"
"I'm Andrew and this is Tanya."
"Nice to meet you. And thanks for everything." He looked at me. "You're strong."
"That's because of the training. Why the hell were you chased by this dog anyway?"
"Oh, I was stupid. I was on my way home and then this dog began to bark. I got scared and began to run. Stupid, really!"
I couldn't take my eyes off him. His dark eyes, his body, covered by dark clothes, his nose, his lips...
What was wrong with me? I shouldn't look at guys that way!
After he finished eating he thanked us again and then left.
"Strange guy." Tanya said.
I just nodded and went for the bed. Just thinking about him made me hard. Gosh, I really wasn't normal. When I jacked off I thought about him. I never did something like that. I never imagined anyone while doing it. But he was so -- mysterious, a bit dangerous, gorgeous and a little bit evil. It would be so great to get him under me and to everything I want to...
Wait! What was I thinking? What did I want to do?
I didn't sleep much this night. I couldn't fall asleep for a long time.
Saturday morning I woke up pretty late. Still sleepy I sat on the table.
"Morning."
Surprised, I looked up. It was my dad's voice.
"Morning." I said.
"Slept well?"
"Yes."
My father looked different than I remembered him - happier and not so stressed.
"Something happened?" I asked.
"Ah, yes. I wanted to talk to you. We'll go out today."
"Ok." Tanya prepared a great meal as always. I couldn't remember the last time I ate with my father.
"Are you free later?" He asked.
"I... no."
"Meeting friends?"
"Ah... yes." I wanted to visit Sensei and tell him what happened last week. My father had no idea that I had no friends. He really didn't know me. We hadn't really talked in years. I understood that he was in pain when mom died. But was that reason enough to neglect your own child? And moms death was four years ago.
"When are you back?"
"Around five."
"Good. We'll go eating afterwards."
"You look good."
"Thank you Sensei."
"You did it, right?"
"Yes. It's all thanks to you."
"How did it feel?"
"Good. I felt so powerful. It felt so good compared to the other times. But I tried not to hurt them too bad."
"That's good. You know you..."
"I know. I will never harm someone who has no intention in harming me. I'll just use it to defend me and... others."
Sensei smiled. "You're a good boy."
"You're a good Sensei."
"Thank you. But there is something else on your soul, right?"
"Right as always. My dad. He says he wants to talk to me. We haven't talked in years. And today I realised that he has no idea who I am. He doesn't know me at all."
"And you don't know him."
"Yes..."
"Just listen to him tonight. It will probably be something good. And your father is a man with a lot of sorrow and pain."
"I know."
"I'm sure you'll do great. You're a great boy."
"Sometimes I wish you were my father. You're so wise and all."
He smiled at that. "I'm your Sensei."
"Right. Ok, I gotta go."
"Bye. See you."
We were sitting in an expensive restaurant. The food we ordered was good. We were both quiet and a little nervous. Finally my dad began to talk.
"How's it going?"
"At school?"
"Yes."
"Good."
"And girls?"
"Girls?"
"Yes."
"Oh... ah... I don't... I..."
"No need to be embarrassed. I dated a lot of girls when I was your age."
"Really?"
"Yes." And then he told me some funny anecdotes of his teenage years. I forgot my uneasiness and we talked some time.
Then he was quiet for a few seconds and said: "I'm sorry. I guess I really neglected you these last years."
I didn't answer. What did he expect? That I said: Oh, no problem. I had a great time on my own.
"I haven't been much of a father. But I intend to change that."
"How? I'll be gone this summer."
"Oh." He looked at me and it was as if he suddenly realised that I wasn't the small, fourteen year old boy anymore.
"Where to?"
"New York University."
"Great. Ah..."
"Is there something else?"
"Yes... there... there is a woman... and I want you to meet her."
"You... what?"
"I want to marry her."
"What?" I didn't know what to say. Heh, I really didn't know him. It was like I was talking to a stranger. He would marry some woman. How funny. Well, I wouldn't have to put up with her. I would be gone after summer. But... Four years. It probably was time for him to move on. He wasn't that old. 42.
"How old is she?" I asked.
"29."
"Oh." She was nearer to my age than to his.
"And there is..."
"What?"
"She has a child."
"Your child?"
"No. It's a boy. He's nine years old."
"Oh. So I'll get a brother."
"That's right."
"When?"
"Is tomorrow alright?"
I just nodded. I didn't talk much after that too many shocking news in one day. My father was quiet as well. He probably knew that I had a lot to think about.
At home I went to bet right away. But I couldn't fall asleep. A brother. I remembered that I always wanted a sibling. Sometimes I talked to my mother about it. But she was too sick and couldn't get pregnant anymore. That's why she always said that I would have to build my own, big family.
A big family -- how great would that be. But I didn't know if I wanted to marry a woman. Suddenly I had an idea and went to my computer. I had never visited any porn sites, but...
I was shocked from what I saw. And to be honest, it disgusted me. The women looked so... eww. It was the guys that were fascinating. Guys... Was I...
I went to a gay porn site and nearly chocked. I didn't know that this was possible! I felt the blood rush to my face and my south regions. No way. I wasn't...
I soon was jerking off to a video of a guy who tied another, muscular guy to the bed and pleased him with his hands, with his mouth, with dildos and in the end with his own cock.
I never in my life came so hard.
I wondered what my father would say when he knew that I was... was... was gay.
That's the first chapter. Hope you enjoyed reading. No sex scenes until now... There will be some but it won't be the main part of the story. Comments, good or bad can be sent to azulasn@yahoo.com Azula