Another Day Part One.
Copyright B. Roberts 2004
Stardard disclaimers apply.
"I'm leaving you."
Sam looks up from his dinner only briefly. "Do we have to talk about this now?"
"What's wrong with now?"
"I'm eating my dinner. It can wait `til later."
That's pretty much Sam for you. He's been my live in boyfriend for a year and a half now. In that time I've seen him change from an affectionate, caring human being into the self centred, emotionless thing that spends all day on the couch. This conversation is actually a small victory for me. It was the first time all day that Sam had actually made eye contact with me.
"Do you mind if I smoke while you eat?" I've already lit one, just to show that I'm angry and don't really care how he feels about it.
"Does it really matter?" This time no looking up. That's fine. He sounds irritated, which I'm willing to take as another small win for my side.
I'm not in the mood to eat, so I head out to the balcony to finish my smoke in peace. This has happened a lot lately. I'm fine with this, since I've now lost the twenty pounds I put on during our happier days.
Three cigarettes later, I hear the door to the bedroom close. As usual, Sam's gone to lie down after dinner. Once upon a time I would have been invited to join him. When the invitations stopped, at least the door was left open. Now the door is always firmly closed. Opening it is not an option. I've tried that, earning myself the cold shoulder on a good day, a brief lecture on being quiet while someone else is sleeping on a bad day. The lectures are the worst. He knows I don't listen anymore, but won't acknowledge this. My how far we've come together, or come apart I guess.
It's getting cool on the balcony now, so I tuck my bare feet under me on the lawn chair and watch the sun set over the Commons. Our apartment is on the twentieth floor, overlooking the city and part of the harbour, including the old MacDonald bridge. We were so excited when we signed the lease. That was ten months ago. I've only thought of leaping over the railing once or twice since then. Never seriously, only to spite him after a particularly bad fight. Right now I don't think he's worth that.
I don't know if I'm really leaving him now or not. During dinner I was sure of it. Now that I haven't seen him in twenty minutes a small part of me actually misses him. I'm not sure if that part of me would win in a fight against the angry parts of me. It's confusing, but not impossible, to love and hate the same person at the same time. Personally, I don't think that's so bad, since I still feel something for him. Nothing's worse than indifference.
Trust me, I know.
The phone's ringing now, so I rush inside to answer it. I don't want him to get it first. If it's for me I'll have to talk to him, and be reminded that he was trying to nap. If it's for him, I'll take a message. Anything to put him off until later. I answer it on the second ring, and thankfully it's for me.
"Hi puddin', how are you?" Ruby always calls me puddin'. I think it's a country thing, but then I'm almost as much a hick as she is.
"I'm doing okay. What's up?"
"Not you apparently. Sam being a jerk again?" I'm briefly annoyed at Ruby's knowing me so well. This passes quickly though, and I'm cold again.
"No more than usual."
"That bad huh? Wanna meet for coffee then? Get you out of the house."
Anywhere's better than here. "Yeah sounds good. I'll meet you at Perk's in twenty?"
"See you there."
This time I don't bother to tell Sam I'm leaving.
Ruby has been my best friend, and occassional therapist, for over a year now. She remembers as well as I do what things were like before. What I was like before. She reminds me sometimes that I used to laugh all the time. That I was the one who cheered her up. Fortunately she doesn't remind me of this too often. She knows this depresses me most.
"So what happened today?" We're sitting on the end of the pier, careful as always not to lean out to far. Falling in the harbour is a fate worse than death these days. No danger of me ever jumping off the bridge. I won't toss my cigarette over the side anymore either. I've heard of the Love Canal fire. I've also heard you can develope film in the harbour water. I'm not sure if this is more fascinating or depressing.
"I told him I'm leaving."
Ruby nods. She's not surprised, mainly because I didn't say I left him, just that I said I was leaving. "What did he say?"
"I'm eating my dinner."
My therapist's face hardens. That makes me feel a little better. Knowing that I'm not delusional, that Sam really is a bastard in other peoples' eyes cheers me up more than it should.
"You know you can come stay with me anytime."
I nod. She knows I won't. Ruby has her own problems. And a lumpy couch. We don't talk much about her problems these days. Mine are currently worse, so we talk about them. I'd feel worse about this if it wasn't Ruby's decision.
Sitting with our coffees and cigarettes, watching the ferry go by, makes me feel a little better. It's a beautiful day, regardless of my mood. I know now that I'm not leaving him today, and that doesn't make me feel any better or worse. It's just a fact.
"Today's not the day is it?"
Ruby shakes her head. "Probably not. You still love him don't you?"
I sigh. "I do, you know that. The real question is does he still love me?"
"Does it sound like it?"
"Maybe I'm not loveable."
"You know that's not true." She puts her arm around my shoulders and kisses my cheek to prove her point.
"Mostly."
"Just ask Matt."
I have no response for this. Ruby's playing dirty pool now. Matt is my adorable and firmly closeted co-worker. His recent admission to having feelings for me has not made my life easier. Neither have my feelings for him.
"I don't think Matt really wants me. I'm just there, and unavailable. What's more tempting then that?"
Ruby smiles. "Is that why you stay with Sam?"
She's not winning that easily.
"Sam's unavailable, but he's also not there. Not in any real way."
I've earned myself a stuck out tongue. That makes me laugh a little, thereby ending today's therapy session. Getting a laugh out of me is the goal of any Ruby session.
"Finish your smoke, I'll drive you home."
"Okay. Thanks hon."
"No problem Puddin'."
I cringe as Ruby tosses her cigarette into the water. Since the harbour fails to ignite it appears we've been spared for another day.
To be continued. Feedback welcome at writebroberts@yahoo.ca