Legal Note From The Sarcasm Department
Do not read this story if:
You are not over 18 years old (or the legal age where you live). Reading this story will land you in jail (unless you're into that type of thing). You don't want to read about men touching other men in somewhat inappropriate places. You are prone to masturbatory spraining.
This story is completely fictional. It is not meant to represent or reproduce any person or situation. If this seems to mirror your life in any way, you're a lucky bastard.
Enjoy!
Another Rainy Monday - Chapter 12 =================================
Tive Razao ==========
As I left his apartment, I smiled at the fact that I could still taste pizza, beer and Terryn on my lips. I must have looked somewhat insane to anyone that passed my car... the windows in my car were rolled down and I was singing along with the radio, smiling like a lunatic the whole time. My grin grew even wider as I spotted the backsides of a familiar couple ambling down the sidewalk. I slowed the car, turned down the radio and affected my silliest macho drawl.
"Excuse me ladies, but we don't much appreciate your kaaaaaaaaaahnd 'round here!"
Sunny looked momentarily startled, but Sarah didn't miss a beat. She batted her eyelashes at me like a proper Southern belle and peered into my car window.
"Oh, I'm ever so sorry to offend, sir! What could I possibly do to apologize for mah wretched behavior?"
I couldn't keep a straight face for very long. The sight of Sarah trying to dramatically heave her not-so-ample bosom in my face was just too silly. Even Sunny was giggling at the spectacle.
"Well, for starters, you could get those things out of my face. At the rate you're going, you'll poke out someone's eyes!"
Sarah pouted and Sunny finally joined in the teasing. She put an arm across Sarah's chest and feigned an indignant look.
"Sir, I'll have you know that these are some of the finest breasts in all of this here county! I will not stand by as you malign this poor woman for not being as genetically blessed as I have been!"
The statement would have held a lot more weight if Sunny hadn't taken the opportunity to cop a feel as she delivered it. The three of us laughed for a bit before Sarah turned to look at me again.
"Alright, man whore... just why did you see fit to interrupt our walk on such a nice friggin' day?"
"Get in and I'll tell you."
"Oooh! Does the nice stranger have candy for me?"
"I want a lollipop!"
"You girls will just have to get in and find out then, won't you? Unless you have some crazy lesbian cult meeting to attend..."
"Actually, we just finished our plans to convert the whole world to dykedom and were headed home. You know, it's not really a complicated plan. Step 1: Kill all the men. Step 2: Unlimited all you can eat buffet. Simple!"
"Sarah, you've read too many comic books. Besides, what would you do without me?"
I made a pouty face as the girls hopped into the car. Sarah tousled my hair from the back seat and giggled.
"Don't worry, Yorrick, we'd think of something..."
"And now you see why I like cock..."
Sunny had long since grown used to our cryptic exchanges and simply shook her head as we drove off to my house.
My mom was busily puttering around the garage as we pulled up. The three of us piled out of the car and waved as we ducked into the house and headed to my room. Sunny and Sarah flopped on my bed and immediately started in with a rapid fire inquisition.
"So, how did it go?"
"Did you finally get laid?
"How big is it?"
"Tell me he doesn't shave..."
"He's got back hair, doesn't he?"
"JEEZ!! Would you two calm down for a second?"
I wandered over to the closet and started pulling out a change of clothes and my backpack. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Sarah arching her eyebrow.
"OooOOooh..."
I sat in my computer chair and stuffed the clothes in my bag. I put on the saintliest face I could manage and tried to look calm.
"For your information, we had some food and a pleasant conversation. There was no back hair or shaving or sex involved."
"The hickey on your neck says otherwise..."
I wasn't about to fall for her pathetic attempt at a trap. My saintly face was firmly in place as I moved closer to the girls.
"I know for a fact that there is no hickey on my neck."
I hooked my thumbs into the waistband of my jeans and grinned evilly.
"Now, I would be more than happy to show you a different one ..."
Sunny screeched and covered her eyes with her hands. Sarah just giggled and licked her lips theatrically.
"C'mon big boy, show me what you've got!"
I stuck my tongue out at her and flashed the waistband of my boxer briefs.
"That's all you get, little girl. Besides, you couldn't handle the full glory that is..."
Both of us shouted simultaneously.
"...The Tower Of Power!!"
Sunny made retching sounds as Sarah and I laughed.
"For the love of god, please tell me that there's some deranged joke behind that?"
I plopped down in my chair and caught my breath.
"Yes, Sunny, there is. A few years ago, I dated a guy named Chad Johnson. One day, your girlfriend and I were joking about the oh-so-clever nickname that he had come up with for his dick."
"The first time I heard him use it was after we had been dating for a few weeks. One night, I'm uhhh... down in that area... and he says, 'Oh yeah, why don't you give Big Johnson some love?' I started laughing so hard that I actually fell off of the end of the bed! Needless to say, he thought that I was laughing at the size of his dick and wasn't too happy about it."
Sunny shook her head as if I were joking. The serious look on my face said otherwise.
"Now, the story would just be silly if it had ended at that. I tried to explain to him just why I was laughing, but every time I tried I just started laughing even harder! I noticed that his face was getting redder and redder, which for some reason just made me laugh more. There he was, kneeling on the edge of the bed with a beet red face and his dick shrinking further and further by the second... I can still see it in my head like it was yesterday."
All three of us were laughing uproariously by this point.
"I finally managed to choke out an explanation, but the damage had already been done. About a week later I got the 'yeah, I just don't think this is going to work out...' call and that was that. It was a shame too, because he really did have a nice dick."
Sarah stage whispered in Sunny's ear.
"Too bad it was attached to such a moron!"
I glared at the snickers that followed that comment.
"Yeah, I know, he was a moron... but even you have to admit that he was fantastically hot. That's really all there was to him, but it was fun while it lasted. Anyway, I told Sarah the whole story, and we spent an afternoon trying to concoct the silliest possible nickname for a penis. Thus, 'The Tower of Power!' was born."
I gave a stage bow and finished packing my backpack.
"So what did Keisha say this morning?"
I gave the girls a full explanation about the details of the visit that morning. Sarah clapped her hands as I told her about my impending promotion.
"Oooh! Ooooh! Have you figured out how you're going to do it? You can't just fire him on the spot, that's too easy... you need something pointlessly dramatic and silly."
"I think that I'm just going to make him actually work for once and then fire him at the end of the day to be a prick."
"Good lord, Erik! For once in your damned gay life would you give in to your inner drama queen? You know as well as I do that that plan is no fun!"
I sighed and slumped back in my chair.
"I know it's no fun, but what the hell can you really do to someone that useless? I'd mess with his head, but most days I wonder if he thinks I'm just a figment of his THC-soaked imagination."
Sunny looked deep in thought as we talked, but suddenly a wickedly evil grin spread across her face.
"I've got an idea..."
At first I found her plan silly, but the longer I thought about it the more I realized that she actually did have a great idea. There wasn't anything I could do about it until I officially made manager, but Sunny had very neatly solved a knotty problem for me. As much as I hated to do it, I had to admit yet again that Sarah had picked herself a winner.
We talked for a little while longer, and then the girls left so that Sunny could make it to her yoga class on time. I took a quick shower and then puttered around my room for a bit, but couldn't concentrate on anything for very long. It was only 4:30, and I really couldn't figure out what the hell I was going to do for the next hour and a half. All I wanted to do was run back over to Terryn's house and get him in my arms as fast as possible. There I was, a 27 year old man acting like a horny 15 year old schoolboy and I couldn't have been happier about it. I fairly bounced down the stairs as I went to see what my mom was up to.
As expected, I found her in the kitchen. Her kitchen (and she was quite fond of reminding anyone within earshot that it was HER kitchen) was always the place where she would most likely be found. My mom had always been a strong, outspoken, feminist woman, so I always thought that it was odd that she chose that to be her favorite room in the house. She even kept her laptop hooked up on the kitchen table so that she was never far from the precious web games that she loved. She sat hunched over the laptop, mouse flying across her mouse pad as she racked up points in her favorite game.
She almost seemed mad that I had the audacity to interrupt her game as I snuck up behind her and wrapped her in a hug. It took a moment, but she finally hit the pause button before shifting in her seat to give me an odd look.
"And just WHAT has come over you, Mr. Tall, Pale and Broody?"
I stuck my tongue out at her and poked her shoulder gently.
"YOU were supposed to say, 'Oh, my dearest darling son, oh light of my life... I am pleased and honored to be hugged by such a wonderful person!'"
She crossed her arms over her chest and glowered at me.
"If I ever said that, winged pigs would come crashing through the windows and your father would be paying his child support."
"Ouch... that was harsh! Winged pigs flying through the windows are TOTALLY within the realm of possibility!"
We both laughed and it was her turn to stick her tongue out at me. While making fun of my father was both cheap and demeaning, it was definitely a fun pastime.
"So, Mr. Bouncy, just what has gotten into you? I haven't seen you this happy in a long time."
She paused briefly and suddenly her eyebrows shot up.
"Ooooh... or should I say 'who'?"
"MOTHER! That question was entirely inappropriate and not befitting a lady of your stature!"
"Yay, I was right! Now you must dish the dirt... but I really don't need that many details, if you don't mind?"
"Well, it all started the other day as I was putting in some time at the truck stop. You see, business had been slow that day and I was really worried that I wouldn't have enough money to buy an eight-ball, so I started lowering my standards a bit..."
I thought that it was funny, but apparently she was having none of it. Her bored stare was more than adequate proof of that.
"I am really getting tired of the 'rough-trick-named-Jim' story... you need to come up with better material or I'll have to find a new in-house comedian."
"Fiiiiiine!"
I gave her a recap of my history with Terryn. I was pretty sure that I hadn't really talked about Terryn with her before, since I wasn't living with her when I was semi- stalking him at Inner River, so I had to fill her in on the salient details of that time as well. Once I had finished the story, she clapped her hands and giggled.
"Awww... that's so cute!! Three years go by and this guy just drops right into your lap? That's disturbingly sweet! But you really think that he doesn't recognize you? If so, it's no wonder that he didn't even notice you back then... you're a terrible stalker!"
"Well, I recognized him right off the bat, but he pretty much stared right through me. He hasn't said anything about it since, and it doesn't seem like he's itching to bring it up. For the most part, it's almost like he's afraid to just talk to me... or maybe he's just afraid OF me!"
I frowned as I articulated that thought. It had been floating around my subconscious, but my rational mind had always dismissed it as Terryn being shy. I made a mental note to talk to him about it.
"Anyway, he doesn't seem to know and I can't figure out how to bring it up without seeming creepy. Should I just break into a conversation randomly and say, 'Oh, hey, do you remember when I used to watch you from afar and send you Valentine's Day cards?' as if nothing was odd?"
"Well, I should hope that you could muster up a bit more tact than that, but I think that's exactly what you need to do. If you don't tell him soon, it's just going to seem weirder and weirder once you do."
"I know, I know... I'll figure out what to do eventually. I just hope he doesn't wig out on me when I tell him. I can't tell if he's shy or sad or what, but I do know that he likes me."
"That's always a good starting point. Be careful with this one, Erik... it sounds like you really like him a lot and I'd hate to see either one of you do something stupid to mess this up. You're a great kid, and you deserve to be happy."
"Aww, thanks mom!"
My mom smiled and looked at the bag that I had set down by the front door.
"Looks to me like you aren't planning on coming home tonight?"
I blushed a little bit. As close as my mom and I were, she still knew just how to tweak with my emotions.
"If you must know, Terryn invited me to spend the night tonight. And before you get too excited, he laid down a strict no-hanky-panky rule so it's probably NOT what you're thinking."
"And here I was thinking that my little rock star was finally going to get laid..."
I glared at her and leaned back against the counter top.
"I thought you didn't want 'too many details'? I could go into great depth and tell you all about what a great kisser he is, or how big his-"
"OKAY!! I got the point!"
Her voice softened as she gave me a concerned look.
"I just want my son back... I'm tired of having an emo monster sulking around my house any more."
"I never thought that the day would come when my mother would properly use 'emo' in a sentence. And besides, I've never been emo... broody rocker, yes. Emo, never."
"I'm serious, Erik. Ever since you moved back in here, I've noticed how quiet you've been. Don't get me wrong, it's nice to only have to listen to Denny screech and holler, but I worry about you."
She reached across the gap between us and took my hand.
"Ma, I'm fine... or at least I will be. Things got really weird for a while, having to deal with Tony and the band and just life in general, but it feels like things are finally going the right direction for a change. I finally feel like I'm getting my shit together again."
I squeezed her hand and leaned down to give her a quick peck on the cheek.
"Besides, now that I've landed myself a man it gives me time to find one for you!"
She grimaced and harrumphed.
"I'm pretty sure I'm done with men. The last one I landed kinda spoiled me on the whole concept."
"Well, I'll just have to find you a better one, won't I? I do hate to be the one to remind you, but without him there would be no me, so it wasn't ALL bad."
"Oh, there would be a 'you' alright... you'd probably just be taller and blacker!"
Damnit, she did it again! Normally I was immune to her powers of amazement, but that was the second time in 20 minutes that she had managed to come out of left field and make me blush. I made another mental note to make sure to get her back for that one later.
Having lost the battle, I left her to the company of her laptop and wandered into the family room to watch some TV. My brow furrowed as I flipped the channels, stuck in what seemed to be an endless loop of commercials.
One night with Terryn's Tivo had already ruined normal TV for me. I couldn't help but wonder what other changes he might bring...
Knockdown =========
Ahhh... the grocery store. Once my most bitter enemy, I was proud to now consider it friend. Gone were the days when going to the store meant coming home with a massive load of unnecessary junk food, impulse book buys and overpriced kitchenware. Always a sucker for a sale, at some point it seemed that I had finally learned to keep my impulse purchases to a minimum.
As I walked toward the door of the store, I took a deep breath to steel myself for the upcoming trip. I was a man on a mission, and that mission was to pick up something awesome for dinner. I started chewing on my lip as always, trying to think of something easy but impressive to make for dinner. It suddenly struck me that I had no idea just what the hell Erik liked to eat. Pizza was obviously out, as was steak, so that pretty much left me in the chicken or seafood realms. Seafood was dicey, as I didn't want to waste a bunch of money only to have Erik be violently allergic or something, so chicken it was.
I'm sure I must have looked like a moron, standing just outside the sliding glass doors of the grocery store with a far away look on my face. I was so spaced out that I didn't even notice the person standing behind me until the voice cut through my mental fog.
"Helloooooo? Earth to Terryn?"
I started a bit and turned to figure out who was talking to me.
"Oh, hey Sarah! What are you doing here?"
"I just came to pick up my paycheck from work, and saw you standing here daydreaming so I thought I'd say hi."
"Actually, now that you mention it, it's probably a good thing that you're here. I'm making dinner tonight, and I just realized that I have no idea what kind of food Erik likes to eat. I know he's not a vegetarian, since he had a steak for dinner the other night, but is there anything I should avoid?"
Sarah laughed and waved her hands broadly in front of the store.
"Erik will pretty much eat anything you throw at him, as long as there is no spinach involved. Don't tell him I told you this, but his mom got on some weird health food kick a while back, and managed to massacre spinach on a nearly nightly basis. Unfortunately for me, I was usually invited for dinner... I don't think she ever figured out why I stopped eating over for a while!"
We both laughed at that picture, and Sarah scratched her temple.
"Now that I think about it, lima beans and cauliflower are off limits as well. Other than that, you're pretty safe."
"Thanks, Sarah, I was worried for a second that I'd make something that he'd absolutely hate."
"No problemo, T.J."
I grimaced at the nickname. I hated it when Sunny called me that, and now her girlfriend was in on the act.
"Wow, Sunny was right... you don't like that one bit!"
"Not to be a bitch, but I really hate it. Only one person calls me T.J. and I'm not on speaking terms with him."
"I'm sorry... I just met you and already I'm getting on your bad side. I promise that I'll try to think about never calling you that again."
Her impish grin was disarmingly cute. How could anyone stay mad at a face like that?
"It's alright... I just wish you could get your woman to do the same. It's bad enough when she calls me 'boss', but that at least I can handle."
"Are you kidding me? She already knows that it ticks you off, so I doubt that there is any chance that she'll stop. Here's a little hint for dealing with her: stop reacting and she'll get bored. She loves being evil, but gets distracted easily."
"Cool... I'll keep that in mind. Look, I've got to run so I can finish shopping and get dinner finished on time."
"Mind if I tag along for a bit? I'm not doing anything else, and I've got the perfect meal for you to make for Erik."
I arched an eyebrow at the hopeful face that she made.
"This wouldn't by chance be your sly way of interviewing the new guy, would it?"
"Oh please, you've already got the job. Now it's my turn to find out if you're the right man to keep it."
I blushed a little bit as she grabbed my hand and dragged me into the store. I snagged a basket as we entered and we lazily wandered the aisles.
"OK, so what is this 'perfect meal' you were going on about? I'm a decent cook, but I hope it's not some weird Chilean sea bass grilled with imported sea salt or anything."
"Oh, don't worry... I'll tell you what it is in due time. First I get to be nosy, then you get to score major points with my darling Erik."
I couldn't just let this girl run roughshod over me, so I decided to play her little game. I leaned in close and whispered conspiratorially in her ear.
"And just what makes you think that I don't already have all the points that I need?"
"It's a miraculous power called 'I-am-always-right-so-start-talking', Terryn. Besides, Erik already filled me in on your smooching earlier, and I know for a fact that that boy needs to get laid and badly. You want the dirt from me, you dish it out. I win!"
Sarah did a little dance as I grumbled.
"Fine, you win this one. Fire away, oh inquisitress!"
She stopped and turned to face me.
"Look, Terryn, I'm not going to pry much. I just want to get to know you a little better since I'm guessing that you two are going to be attached at the hip pretty soon. So let's start with the basics."
She hooked her elbow in mine and started walking again.
"I think I'll limit today's questioning to three simple items. One: What was the first thing you noticed about Erik? Two: Can I have your hair? Three: You'd better not hurt Erik, or I'll kick your ass."
"That last one wasn't a question."
"Yeah, I know, but I couldn't think of anything else right now. I'm serious about that, though. I know that he likes you, and I'd hate to see you turn out to be some crazy cheating player or a psychopath."
"Well, as far as I'm aware I'm not a psychopath, but I guess I'd say that even if I were. Honestly, I haven't really had time to think about this whole thing with Erik, but I do know that I don't want him to get hurt. To answer your other questions, there's not a chance in hell and the first thing that I noticed about him was his eyes."
"All of those answers are acceptable."
Sarah stopped me in the middle of an aisle and gave me a serious look.
"I will now reveal the secret recipe that will unlock Erik's heart forever. You will find the key ingredient behind you."
I turned around and laughed uproariously.
"You've GOT to be kidding me. You can't seriously expect me to believe that THAT'S the secret!"
"I do not joke. If you make that, you'll see the full 100-megawatt Erik smile and he'll be like putty in your hands."
"If this backfires, you know that I'm going to hate you forever, right?"
"Luckily for me my plan is flawless. Look, I've known Erik for years and I know for a fact that there is only one food item on the planet that he could eat 24 hours a day and be happy. If you don't believe me, I could call his mom for you and get her to verify it."
I waved her off as she started to pull out her cell phone. I grabbed two cans off of the shelf and plopped them in the basket
"I don't think that's necessary. I guess it's not that weird if you think about it, and even my awesomely mediocre cooking skills can manage to pull that off."
We wandered around the store for a little while longer as I gathered some more food to restock my cabinets. As the small hand basket started to overflow, Sarah gave me a sideways glance.
"You DO plan on feeding my darling Erik properly, don't you?"
Before I could think of a suitably snarky response, she ran outside and grabbed a shopping cart and we kept right on shopping. It felt weird buying so many groceries at once again, but it also felt like the most natural thing in the world. It had been so long since I had bothered to think of anyone but myself when it came to food, and it suddenly hit me just how much I missed cooking for someone special. Fast food is all well and good when you're alone, but my mother always taught me that a good meal was the fastest way to impress a woman. Luckily for me, the advice held true for men as well.
I was somewhat surprised to see how quickly Sarah and I fell into an easy conversational rhythm. I had always been fairly good at establishing a basic rapport with people, but Sarah and I clicked almost immediately. Even though we both kept the chatter somewhat neutral, I could already see why Erik had been friends with her for so long. There was still one thing that I couldn't quite get a handle on, so I decided to just come out and ask her about it.
"OK, I have to ask you something, and I hope you're not offended..."
Sarah's eyes positively sparkled as she spun around to face me.
"Let me guess... you want to know how I have managed to completely entrance you in just 20 minutes? You see, I have this power that makes men irresistibly attracted to me-"
I couldn't help but laugh as I cut her off.
"No, no... that part I get. What I can't figure out is how you and Sunny have gotten along so well. Though you obviously have your evil moments, you seem like a really sweet person. You care enough about Erik to stalk me through the grocery store, and a little birdie told me that you were responsible for pushing Erik to bring me my license after I left it in the store. I can't imagine Sunny doing either of those things... no, I take that back. I can totally imagine her stalking me."
I shivered theatrically as we got in line to pay.
"You'd be surprised about her, Terryn. When we first met, she was a totally different person. Hell, I guess I was too. I know it's probably hard for you to imagine, but her demeanor was even more serious then than it is now. We probably never would have gone out if it hadn't been for your boyfriend being a retard."
I half-sighed and started to contradict her claim of boyfriend status, but she kept right on talking as if I wasn't even in the room.
"I know that she can be a hard ass at work, but it's just because she takes her job very seriously. When she puts her mind to something, you'd damned well better stay out of her way."
Sarah paused as I paid for the groceries and started to head out of the store. We walked slowly toward my car as she continued her story.
"I do have to say, though, that she's incredibly kind and sexy and thoughtful and did I mention sexy? We have our differences from time to time, but I think I love her more because of it. Every time I think that I've finally gotten to really know her, I find something else that makes me realize again just how much I still have to learn. The fact that we balance each other has kept us going, and I think that you'll do the same for Erik."
The enormity of what she had implied hit me like a sledgehammer. They had been together for years, and even after barely getting to know me she seemed to think that I could do the same with Erik. My knuckles were white as I maneuvered the shopping cart behind my trunk.
"Why? Why do you think that?"
My voice was barely more than a whisper. Sarah simply looked at me squarely and rested a hand on my clenched fist.
"Oh sweetie... you're as bad as he is. As his best friend, and hopefully now your friend, let me let you in on a little secret. That boy is head over heels about you. I've seen the way you look at him, and he just goes on and on and on about you."
I started to protest, but she cut me off.
"Don't start with whatever protest you were going to put up. Just trust me when I say that I think that you guys will be OK. Now, are you going to stand here all day or are you going to open the trunk?"
I suddenly realized that I probably looked like a moron standing there in the parking lot. I opened the trunk and started loading the groceries in. Sarah crossed her arms over the side of the trunk and rested her chin on them.
"Need any help?"
"Wow, it's so nice of you to offer now that I've done most of it! I can't possibly be more thrilled that you took an interest in the laborious task of manual labor that I'm engaged in. I'm breathless!"
"Oh jeez, you're just as bad as Sarcasm Boy... no wonder you two hit it off."
"Does that mean that he gets to be my sidekick? Wit Man and Sarcasm Boy to the rescue!"
Sarah stuck her tongue out at me as she made fake retching noises.
"Worst... superhero... ever!"
"My, my... I'm impressed! I don't think I've ever heard a girl so accurately impersonate the Comic Book Guy... bravo!"
"Yay! Erik never gets those jokes at all... I think he's allergic to TV or something!"
"That has got to be the worst allergy I've ever heard of! TV is made to be appreciated, digested, and regurgitated at completely inappropriate times. TV should not be shunned! TV should be loved! LOVE YOUR TV!"
Both of us giggled.
"Hey, Terryn? Do you need any help with dinner? I totally understand if you don't, but I've got some time to kill before Sunny gets out of class and I'd love to keep talking with you."
I thought about it for a brief second, and quickly relented to the sad puppy look in her eyes.
"You're welcome to join me, but only on one condition: my fee is two embarrassing stories about Erik."
"Only two? It'll be tough to pick out two good ones from the hundreds, but you're on!"
================= Author's Note #12 =================
This chapter would have been a bit longer, and a bit earlier, but I decided at the last minute to do some structural editing between this chapter and the next. Originally, there was supposed to be one more section in this chapter, but the way it ended felt too much like a cliffhanger to leave as it was. Thanks to all of you who have written me, especially those that have offered some great criticism and suggestions.
This story is dedicated to the perfect man in an imperfect situation... here's to hoping that the future brings us better tidings. Happy belated birthday, monkey boy...
Copyright 2006 by TehGenius. Comments and constructive criticism welcome at stories@tehgenius.com.