Legal Note From The Sarcasm Department
Do not read this story if:
You are not over 18 years old (or the legal age where you live).
Reading this story will land you in jail (unless you're into that type of thing).
You don't want to read about men touching other men in somewhat inappropriate places.
You are prone to masturbatory spraining.
This story is completely fictional. It is not meant to represent or reproduce any person or situation. If this seems to mirror your life in any way, you're a lucky bastard.
Enjoy!
Aftermath Of A Shower =================
While you might expect that crying your eyes out in the shower would be an immensely cathartic experience, it mainly left me emotionally drained and led to my ass getting numb. I slowly levered myself up into a standing position and dunked my hair under the water for a final rinse. Finally realizing that the temperature of the water had dropped precipitously during my crying jag, I turned it off and grabbed my towel.
Once I had mostly dried off, I began drying my hair as I wandered into the much warmer living room. The TV was still on, and my Tivo had begun to automatically record some inane Japanese samurai soap opera. I'm still not sure why my Tivo thinks that I'd like that crap, but I have never been able to train it properly. I plopped down on the couch and started idly flipping through the channels.
After coming to the not-so-startling realization that 300 channels did not necessarily mean that something worthwhile was on, I flipped off the TV and finished drying my hair. I tossed the towel in the laundry basket and ran a comb through my mane. My hair was still a bit wet, but I didn't have the energy to mess with it any more. I grabbed my well thumbed copy of Magic's Pawn and sat down to read it for the umpteenth time.
While I was reading, I heard a knock at the front door. I almost immediately dashed to answer it, but thankfully remembered that I was stark naked before I got to the door. I ran back into my bedroom to find my bathrobe. I threw the robe on, hurried back to the door and opened it to a very odd sight.
Right before my eyes was a very nice and very male ass. Tearing my eyes away from the gorgeous ass, I realized that the ass belonged to someone who was playing with Stealth Kitty. He turned his head toward me and then stood up. At that point I was fully convinced that my Erik hallucinations were a giant sign that I had completely lost my mind. I blinked my eyes a few times in the faint hope of clearing my vision, but he was still standing there.
Disbelief quickly gave way to confusion.
"What... what are you doing here?"
"Uhhh... hi. I stopped by to bring you this. You dropped it this morning when your wallet went flying."
As he was talking, he handed me my driver's license. I had been completely embarrassed this morning, which was bad enough, but now he was giving me a concrete reminder of my stupidity. I felt my cheeks get hot as I tucked the license into my book as a bookmark.
"Th... thanks."
"No problem. I live nearby anyway, and I'd hate to see you get pulled over without your license."
The thought of the focus of my masturbation fantasy living in close proximity brought an even deeper heat to my face. My discomfort grew as he introduced himself. When he shook my hand, he held on for what seemed like an eternity.
In a feeble attempt to mask my discomfort, I withdrew my hand and tried to make a gallant offer.
"Hang on a sec. Let me give you a reward or something."
I practically ran to grab my wallet out of my pants pocket. I knew that it was silly, but I figured that giving him some cash to make his trip worthwhile would help assuage my guilt caused by lusting over a happily married man. I collected myself, grabbed my wallet and headed back to the door. Almost immediately, my prior embarrassment was replaced with a feeling of immense stupidity.
"Aw crap... I don't have any cash on me."
Mentally, I was smacking my forehead.
"Look, you really don't have to do anything. I'm glad I could help you out."
"Well, I'd really like to do SOMETHING..."
God did I ever! Something told me, however, that I should keep just WHAT I wanted to do to myself. He ran his hand through his hair and smiled.
"I'll tell you what. If you're not doing anything on Thursday, come check out my band at The Stone."
OK, OK, I admit it. I perked up like a cat that heard a can opener.
"In all fairness, there's an ulterior motive behind inviting you..."
"Really?"
Alright Terryn, keep breathing. Slow breaths, calm nerves, no hyperventilating... HYPERVENTILATING!!
"Yeah, the band gets to keep the cover charge for everyone that comes. At least this way, you'll get to hear us and repay me for bringing that back to you."
Well, that was a waste of a breathing difficulty.
"Oh..."
Saved by the phone!
"Hang on one sec, ok?"
I dashed down the hallway to grab the phone. As hot as Erik was, his being at my house really wasn't helping my thought processes. I prayed that a voice of sanity would be at the other end of the line.
"Hello?"
"Well hello my sexy rock star!"
"Oh, hi babe!"
Jeff's timing couldn't have been more awful. As badly as I wanted to talk to him about Erik at that moment, I didn't think it would be prudent to do so with Erik standing just a few feet away.
"Hmmm... I'm starting to think that you've been avoiding me, you little shit! You haven't called me in weeks!"
"I know we haven't been able to spend much time together lately!"
"LATELY? I bust my ass to find you a decent assistant so that you can finally relax a bit, then you suddenly decide that work is more important than your best friend!"
"Awww... come on, Jeff... don't be like that. Look, let me grab a change of clothes and I'll stay over there tonight. I really need to talk to you anyway. It's... important."
I could almost hear Jeff's eyebrow arch over the phone.
"Oh really? Is your next ex-wife in earshot or something?"
"Don't I wish! I'll be there in 20 minutes, OK?"
"Only 20 minutes? I obviously still have much to teach you, young virgin Jedi!"
"Bitch!"
I laughed as I hung up the phone. I turned around to see Erik walking away without so much as a goodbye. I was sure that I hadn't been on the phone for THAT long, but the gracious host in me was furious. Hoping to correct my faux pas I called his name, but he just gave a halfhearted wave and walked off.
I sagged against the door frame and frowned.
"Bye Erik..."
Sadeness =======
I managed to keep a slow anger simmering until I reached the car. Once I allowed the thought of the prospect of leaving this man behind for good to enter my head, however, I completely lost it. I fumbled with my keys trying to open the door, and finally they slipped from my hands completely and clattered to the ground. I knelt down to pick them up and felt all of the strength leave my legs. Before I realized what was happening, Sarah was already out of the car and running around to the driver's side.
No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't cry. All I could do was sit there, slumped against the side of my car, staring off into the distance.
"It's over."
Even with that whispered confession, the tears wouldn't come. I wasn't angry any more, I wasn't really sad... I just felt hollow. Hearing Terryn talking to his "babe" had taken the wind out of my sails like nothing else. I couldn't shake the feeling that I had just made a complete ass of myself, when all I wanted to do was to take Terryn in my arms and show him just how long I had waited for him. Sarah knelt down next to me and stroked my arm.
"I'm sorry, hon."
Upon hearing that, I slumped even further and let my head rest on the car door. My hand finally found my keys and I toyed with them idly.
"He's got a boyfriend."
Sarah momentarily stopped stroking my arm and muttered something under her breath. As zoned as I was, I barely noticed it.
I don't know how long I spent next to the car, but the developing cramp in my leg finally prompted me to move. As I stood, Sarah gave me a hug. I halfheartedly hugged her back and handed her my keys. I really didn't feel that I was up to driving, so I slouched into the passenger seat and closed my eyes. As Sarah started the car, the Enigma CD that I had been listening to kicked on. What an appropriate song for such a shitty evening. Sarah started off toward home and I sighed heavily as I stared out the window. Not fated to just drive away from my pain, the last thing I saw before we left the complex was a beautiful red Mustang speeding away from me and off into the night.
Riding On Fire ===========
Once Erik had left, I dashed back into my bedroom and quickly changed. I stuffed a change of clothes for the morning in a garment bag and locked up the house. I was still somewhat mystified at the way Erik had just wandered off, but the opportunity to spend some long overdue time gossiping with Jeff balanced those thoughts out nicely. As I was walking up to the car, an errant thought chose an opportune moment to crowd its way into my brain.
Out of the corner of my eye I had spotted the faded sticker that was affixed to the rear bumper of my car, and I couldn't help wondering for the millionth time where it had come from. The sticker had been in the same spot for years, ever since I had received it in an anonymous Valentine's Day card. When I opened the card, the sticker slid out of the envelope and went fluttering down to the ground. I'm still not sure how long I stood in front of my office mailbox staring at a sticker and a card without a signature. My first impulse was just to throw it away, but something made me hold onto it. Discreet questions to several of the girls in the office had turned up no leads, so I slipped the sticker into my pocket and went about my business. On my way out that evening, I reached into my pocket for my car keys and brushed my hand against the sticker. I pulled the sticker back out of my pocket and stared at it for a while. On a bizarre impulse, I ripped the backing off of the sticker and stuck it on my rear bumper. And so, from that day forth, I rode around town with a green Care Bear sticker staring silently behind me, wishing luck and joy to anyone behind me. Time and the weather had not been kind to him, though. What had once been a vibrant green sticker was now just a bleached, faint outline of a smiling little bear.
My impromptu ruminations about the sticker over, I tossed my bag into the trunk and drove off toward Jeff's place. I hummed along with the radio as I drove, for some reason in an unusually bouncy mood. I pulled up to the curb in front of Jeff's house, grabbed my bag and ran up to the front door. The wide grin on my face fell as soon as Jeff came to the door. Though he was doing his best to hide it, his eyes were bloodshot and puffy like he had been crying. He barely glanced at me before turning around and walking into the kitchen. I dropped my bag in the living room and followed after him. He was standing in front of the fridge, staring blankly at its contents.
"Bro... what's wrong?"
I saw his hand tighten momentarily on the fridge door before he sighed heavily.
"Nothing... just me being stupid. Want a beer?"
I crossed my hands over my chest and glared at him.
"Oh no, you're not wriggling out of this one Jeff. 20 minutes ago you call me and sound perfectly normal. Now, when I get here, you've obviously been crying and you won't tell me why. What the hell happened?"
He snorted as he grabbed a beer from the fridge and shut the door.
"You happened."
I must have looked as confused as I felt because he walked over and gave me a hug.
"Don't worry bro, you didn't do anything."
He walked into the living room, set his beer on the coffee table and flopped out on the couch.
"When I called you earlier, you sounded so excited about... what's his name. Just from the sound of your voice I could tell that someone had gotten you all hot and bothered. After we got off the phone, I started thinking about how long it had been since someone had made me feel that way. I guess when you're me any excuse to be bitter is a valid one. I mean, look at me! I'm a nice guy. I'm not THAT ugly. Yet I sit here day after day, alone, all because I don't want to fuck some random guy I met in a bar. I'm in a prison of my own making, and the saddest part is that faced with the other alternatives I can't honestly say that I'd have it any other way."
Jeff sat up on the couch and frowned as he looked at the mirrors that comprised one wall of the room.
"Every day I look into this mirror, and every day I like what I see less and less. Sometimes I just stand here for ages, looking at myself and saying 'Don't worry... you've got a lot to offer. You can get back in shape! You can get out more! You'll meet someone wonderful and finally give all of this emotion that you've kept bottled up inside to someone who will appreciate it!'... and every time the me looking out says 'You know better than that. Who are you kidding?'"
"Sometimes, like tonight, I cry. Sometimes I just sigh and admit to myself that he's right. Sometimes I get angry and curse the mirror-me for being such a terrible liar. But in the end, I always walk away feeling less attractive and less complete than I did when I walked up. I tried to avoid it for a while, but it's like a train wreck. I don't want to look, but I have to."
He threw his hands in the air and sighed.
"Look at what a sad sack of shit you call a best friend."
In my own personal caring way, I reached down to the chair in front of me, grabbed a small pillow and hucked it at him as hard as I could. Amazingly, Jeff just reached his hand out and grabbed it in midair. As I turned to look for something else non-lethal to throw at him, a small titter was all the warning I had before the pillow smacked me in the back of the head.
"That's it Jeff, you're a dead man!"
I grabbed the pillow and ran toward the couch. Jeff's late attempt to get off of the couch proved to be his undoing as I held onto the pillow and beat him unmercifully with it. By this point, both of us were laughing so hard that we could barely breathe. We ran around the house, each of us trying to cause as much playful harm as possible to each other for nearly 15 minutes. When all was said and done, Jeff had me pinned to the floor with a fistful of my hair in his hand. I, on the other hand, had both of his nipples in a truly savage grip and I knew at that point that I had "won". As was our custom, we both looked at each other and said, "Truce?" at the same moment. Thus, with neither person's pride wounded, we lived to fight another day. After knowing someone since preschool, it's amazing what you can get away with.
After we had disengaged, I ran to the kitchen to grab a glass of water while Jeff grabbed his beer and sat back down on the couch. I noticed as I walked back in the room that his face had taken on a semi-gloomy tone once again.
"You're an idiot, you know that right?"
Jeff stuck his tongue out at me and flipped me off. I hopped on the couch lengthwise and draped my legs over his. He just looked at his beer and sighed again.
"I know Terr, but you know me. I just get this way sometimes. I'm glad you came over though... kicking your ass really made me feel a lot better!"
"Oh, kicking my ass eh? If that's what you call that then please don't ever pick a fight with anyone. You'd die, pansy boy!"
Jeff just laughed as he shouted, "I am bleeding, making me the victor!"
I giggled and looked him dead in the eyes.
"We purposely trained you wrong... you know, as a joke."
At that moment it didn't matter that we were both gay. It didn't matter that we were both single. All that mattered was that we were idiots and we loved every second of it. After some idle chit chat and a ton of terrible movie quoting, Jeff finally asked the question that I thought I had been doing a very good job of avoiding.
"So, what's this guy like?"
It was my turn to look away.
"I... I don't know."
I filled Jeff in on every detail of the day, met now and again with a raised eyebrow but no snide comments. Jeff was being unusually reserved in this conversation, which went against every fiber of his being. Once I had gotten him up to speed, he just looked at me quizzically.
"So what you're telling me is that this guy not only flirted with you at the coffee shop, but he came to your house and asked you out, and you said NO?"
"Hey, hey, hey! He didn't ask me out, per se. He just told me to come see his band. And I didn't get a chance to tell him no, because he walked away while I was on the phone with you. He's freaking married, man! What am I supposed to do about that?"
"But he came to your house. To your HOUSE. You know, the place where you live? How many people do you know that would hand deliver a license to someone without having an ulterior motive?"
"He could just be a really nice guy!"
"Or he could want to get into your pants. Why do you always rule out the hot stuff?"
I pinched his arm and glared at him again.
"Just lay off, will you? If nothing else, at least I have a really cute excuse to get coffee in the mornings!"
"Yeah, and in a week you'll be calling me and whining about how you can't stop torturing yourself and how it's driving you crazy. I love you, man, but I have enough shit to deal with without listening to you being a big namby-pamby baby about men."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah... so you say. You know you love hearing about my man drama!"
"Well, it gives me hope... hope that you'll weed out all the terrible men on the planet before I get around to dating again!"
After that comment another round of wrestling commenced. In the twenty-plus years we'd known each other, not a single get-together had occurred without some kind of silly altercation. Throughout our long and sordid history neither of us had ever been willing to capitulate on just about anything. Part of why we remained such close friends is that we gave each other a great outlet for our competitive instincts.
We watched a little bit of TV then headed off to bed. As we lay in Jeff's bed, back to back as always, Jeff turned over to face me. He gave me a quick hug and a brief peck on the shoulder.
"Thanks for coming over tonight, Terr. It's been way too long since we've hung out. I was beginning to think that you'd replaced me!"
His mock sobbing was interlaced with giggles.
I grabbed the hand he had flung over me and kissed his knuckles.
"You may be irreplaceable Jeff, but I think I can rent a pretty good facsimile of you! Now go to sleep or I'll get the bedbugs to bite your nuts off!"
He laughed and rolled back over.
Before we dropped off to sleep, we quickly counted to three and performed our own favorite ritual. When we hit three, we both simultaneously said, "Think about us having sex. Eww! Eww! Eww! Eww!"
With a few more giggles and shifting in the bed, I fell asleep almost immediately.
================ Author's Note #4 ================
Happy New Year's!! May 2005 bring more happiness and more luck than 2004!
This story is dedicated to the perfect man in an imperfect situation... here's to hoping that the future brings better tidings.
Copyright 2004 by TehGenius. Comments and constructive criticism welcome at stories@tehgenius.com.