Legal Note From The Sarcasm Department
Do not read this story if:
You are not over 18 years old (or the legal age where you live).
Reading this story will land you in jail (unless you're into that type of thing).
You don't want to read about men touching other men in somewhat inappropriate places.
You are prone to masturbatory spraining.
This story is completely fictional. It is not meant to represent or reproduce any person or situation. If this seems to mirror your life in any way, you're a lucky bastard.
Enjoy!
A Meeting Of Minds ==================
Lunchtime found me sitting alone at a table, gnawing idly on a breadstick as I gazed out of the restaurant window. I was roused from my idle state by a loud grunt as Jeff flopped into the chair across from me.
"Sorry it took me so long. My lunch meeting ran long because my boss hasn't quite figured out how to extract his nose from the V.P.'s ass."
"From what I hear, that's one of your favorite places to put your face."
Jeff glared at me and snatched the breadstick from my fingers.
"My rumored predilections aside, what exactly happened with your mystery man? Must be something good to make you spring for this place."
I gave Jeff the consolidated version of what I remembered of my night with Erik. His eyebrows perked at the mention of the note that Erik had left for me.
"That's so disturbingly adorable! I'm lucky if I get a 'that was fun' before my latest hook up disappears on me."
"Stop it, you shit! Could we possibly get through just ONE day without you bitching about how terrible your love life is? Christ... why is it that every time I see you, you act like I'm drowning in men?"
"My bad, my bad... it's just a habit, you know? If self-hatred was an Olympic sport, I'd be banned from participating since I gave up my amateur status years ago."
I kicked his knee under the table and Jeff clenched his teeth to keep from shouting. His next words were little more than a hiss.
"You're going to pay for that, fucktard! If we weren't in public..."
"Yeah? What exactly would you do?"
"I'd... I'd..."
"Just as I thought... you wouldn't do anything because you know you deserved that. Now can we PLEASE have a nice meal that doesn't involve you martyring yourself further?"
Jeff muttered to himself, but obediently picked up his menu. Our meal was filled with a lot of evil stares and grumbling, but I knew that deep down he wasn't actually mad at me. As was his wont, the end of the meal brought a sudden about-face in his mood.
"So what are you going to wear on your date?"
"It's not a date! It's just a thank you for him bringing me home last night."
"You're going to dinner, correct?"
"Yeah..."
"It's a date then. If I were you, I'd wear that cool silk shirt that you have with some dark jeans."
"Wait... weren't Carson and crew at your house the other day? I'm pretty sure I saw you on TV..."
"Oh come on... let me have my one truly faggy moment of the year! Pretty soon I'll be back to the 'straight acting' guy you know and love."
"Ughh... if only I could get that phrase stricken from the dictionary!"
Out of deference to the other patrons in the restaurant, our voices dropped to a conspiratorial whisper.
"If we're deleting phrases, could I add 'man pussy' to that list? Last I checked, I was a full time vagina-phobe..."
"Oooh... what about 'shorn scrotum'? Actually, strike that. The phrase is funny to say... I just hate looking at them."
"Hey, that's not as bad as artfully designed pubic hair. I'm all for trimming the hedges so that they're presentable to company, but penile topiary is just freaky."
"Does that look like a Q to you? How about now?"
Both of us laughed as Jeff glanced at his watch.
"Shit... I have to run. Catch you tonight for the movie?"
"Sure thing... should be fun."
Jeff left me sitting alone again, picking at the remaining food on my plate and thinking about Friday.
Friday Night City Lights ========================
7 PM found me nervously pacing back and forth along the sidewalk in front of the restaurant. My fingers fumbled with the keys in my pocket as my eyes scanned the parking lot, my whole body vibrating with excitement at finally getting to spend some quality time with Terryn. I knew that neither of us had even mentioned the possibility of this being a "date", but I still felt as shaky and uncertain as I normally did before any other date.
I forced myself to stop pacing so as not to look like an idiot when Terryn did arrive. I nearly jumped out of my skin when a husky voice spoke softly in my ear.
"Hope I didn't keep you waiting too long."
I spun around and tried to calm my breathing.
"No, I just got here myself. You ready to grab some chow?"
"Absolutely... I skipped lunch today so I'm starving!"
At that moment, a rowdy group of teenagers hustled out of the restaurant, one of them playing air guitar while another "accompanied" him on an imaginary set of drums. Terryn reached over and held the door open for me, chuckling at their antics.
Just as I remembered from the last time I had eaten there, the restaurant was packed with people waiting to get a table. I had to stop just inside the doorway to avoid running into the end of the line, which caused Terryn to pull up short. As the door bumped his backside, I could feel the whoosh of expelled breath on my neck. A shiver raced down my spine at the thought of him being so incredibly close.
What looked to me like a party of birthday revelers entered through the door that lead inside from the patio area. Their exodus cleared the way for a large section of the line to be seated at once, and it wasn't long before a frazzled waitress led us to a booth in the corner. Just as I was about to give the waitress my drink order, Terryn motioned for her to lean over. He whispered something in her ear which I couldn't make out and she hurried off into the kitchen. I arched an eyebrow at him, but he just gave me a goofy grin and said nothing.
A few moments later the waitress returned bearing a tray, trying to hide a smirk. The only item on the tray was a soda glass which was full of a bright red liquid with several maraschino cherries floating on top. As soon as I saw the contents of the glass, I started to laugh.
"Sunny put you up to this, didn't she?"
"But of course! She said that there was a funny story that went along with it, but that I'd have to hear it from you."
"Ah jeez... OK, I'll tell you, but you have to promise not to think that I'm some kind of weird space alien or something."
"Who's to say that I don't already?"
I glared at him, but I couldn't hold it for very long. I briefly wondered why Sunny had chosen to inform him of that particular story, but I mentally shrugged and pressed on.
"First off, you have to understand that Sarah and I have been coming to this burger place since before either of us could drive. We started coming here in our sophomore year of high school, since it was one of the few places that we could walk to and still make it back in time for class after lunch. Once we graduated, Sarah ended up moving away to college for a while, but we would still meet here regularly for burgers. Back then, Sarah and I were fighting for the title of "biggest sweet tooth in the world", so one day Sarah proposed a dare. You know how they normally make Shirley Temples, right?"
Terryn nodded and began twirling a toothpick between his fingers.
"Well, one day Sarah decided that she was going to alter the recipe a little bit. We came in for burgers as usual, and I ordered a Sprite. Sarah asked the waitress to instead make us both a Shirley Temple, but with double the usual amount of grenadine in it. When the drinks came, she dared me to down it in one swallow. Never being one to step down from a challenge, I grabbed the cup and drank it down. I think we shocked the waitress a bit when she came back and saw that both of the drinks were gone, but both of us stubbornly order another drink with even more grenadine."
Terryn eyed the cup that sat in front of me. The only way that it was even recognizable as a Shirley Temple at all was because of the carbonation sluggishly fighting its way to the top of the glass. The waitress came by at that point and took our food orders, and I continued my story.
"I'm no stranger to ingesting large amounts of sugar in one sitting, but there is a limit to how much grenadine a single human being can drink in one night. By the time we left, both of us had had four drinks, each one with a little bit more grenadine than the last. Since neither one of us had emerged a clear victor, we resolved to settle the issue the next time we had burgers. Two weeks later, we came back here and had a different waitress... a short, loud, and obnoxious waitress by the name of Sunny. Since the challenge was still on the table, the first thing we did was order Shirley Temples that were half grenadine, half Sprite. Sunny brought the drinks out and proceeded to linger at our table as we slammed the drinks. Sarah had a shit eating grin on her face, and immediately ordered another, stronger drink. At that point, I decided that I had to win this one outright as quickly as possible or this would go on forever. I ordered another drink that was 2/3 grenadine, topped with maraschino cherries just like this one is."
Terryn snatched one of the cherries out of my drink and popped it in his mouth.
"Sarah was stunned, but didn't think that I would really drink it. I wasn't able to gulp it down, but I did manage to fight my way through it as I ate my burger. Sunny kept popping by to see how I was progressing, and each time she and Sarah would talk about how silly I was for even trying. At one point, Sunny plopped down in the seat next to Sarah and just stared at me as I drank. I'll admit, the last dregs of that were really tough to get down, but I finally drained the last drop. If you want, you can try some of this just to see how disgustingly sweet it really is."
Terryn took a tiny sip and grimaced.
"Good lord! I love sugar as much as the next guy, but that's insane!"
"Well, since I'm technically the 'next guy', I think you're wrong."
Both of us were smiling, but there was a pregnant pause that hung oddly in the air. Rather than let it continue, I pressed on.
"Sunny was so impressed that she gave me a round of applause and brought me a cup of water to wash all of that sugar down. Thus ends the story of the one and only time that Sarah has admitted defeat as well as the story of how Sunny and Sarah met."
"I'm confused... did they get together just because you managed to drink a death soda?"
"No, no, no... that was just when they met. Since they both thought I was a lunatic, they would gang up on me whenever Sunny was working. It quickly became apparent that they had a common target, and that they both liked pussy... things just kinda fell into place after that."
Terryn shook his head and laughed.
"You have a very odd flair for the dramatic, you know that?"
I made a mock bow and grinned. Just then, the waitress brought our burgers and we ate in companionable near-silence. Once we had finished eating Terryn ordered both of us a beer, settled our tab, and both of us sat back and relaxed a bit. The restaurant had pretty much cleared out, so neither one of us felt guilty about hogging the booth for a little while. Terryn held up his glass for an impromptu toast.
"To the king of random stories and even more random rescues... cheers to you!"
"Hey, hey... I'm glad I could help."
We clinked our glasses together and I asked Terryn how he had met Sunny.
"Actually, my best friend recommended her to be my admin. I'm not really sure how he knew her, but she actually does a damned good job when she's not busy being a total bitch."
"Trust me, I know just how abrasive she can be. Count yourself lucky that you don't have to hear the stuff that she and Sarah talk about... some of their conversations could peel the paint off of the wall."
"I just met Sarah for the first time last night, but I can only imagine the two of them together."
"Those two are quite a handful, I can tell you that."
As all conversations do, ours slowly dwindled off as we finished our beers. I could see that the waitresses were starting to do the final cleanup of the night, so Terryn and I walked out to the parking lot. Once we were outside, I realized sadly that our evening was drawing to a close. We both were grasping to find something to talk about, but I for one felt slightly odd standing in the parking lot of a restaurant that was about to close. I glanced at my watch for the first time all night.
"Oh shit! I forgot to tape Family Guy!"
Terryn's eyes lit up and he started chewing on his lower lip.
"Ummm.. if you want, I'm recording Family Guy as we speak... if umm... you don't have other plans... you could hang at my place and watch it..."
I had to make myself pause before I agreed. The night was going so well that I didn't want to sound too eager to spend some time alone with him, but the opportunity was too good to pass up.
"That would be cool... I'll meet you there in a little bit, then?"
Terryn nodded and headed toward his car. I did a little dance as I walked to my car, singing under my breath as I went.
Ode To Joy ==========
Thankfully for my peace of mind, I'd had the common sense to make sure that my apartment was pretty much clean before I left for dinner. A quick flick of the remote ensured that Family Guy was, in fact, recording. I knew that Erik couldn't be far behind, so I glanced in the mirror to make sure that I hadn't dropped any hamburger condiments on my shirt and swigged some mouthwash. I put the bottle away just in time to hear a timid knock on the door.
Opening the door when Erik arrived was quickly becoming my favorite activity. He stood on the stoop with one hand in his pocket, the other outstretched to knock once more. As the door swung open, his hand faltered and he wiped his palm on his pants leg.
"Hey there... come on in."
I did my best to not glance at his ass as he walked into the apartment. Unfortunately "my best" turned out to be total capitulation as soon as he had passed, my mental camera recording all of the details for posterity.
"Can I grab you anything to drink? Beer? Soda?"
"What kind of beer do you have?"
"As far as I'm concerned, there's only one beer worth keeping in the house and that's Guinness."
"Brilliant!"
Both of us laughed as I turned to head into the kitchen. Just as I started to pull the beers out of the fridge, Erik asked if he could use the bathroom.
"Sure! Use the one in my bedroom, since it's the only one that I keep stocked."
I opened the bottles and brought them into the living room. I sat my beer on the coffee table and held Erik's in my other hand as I waited for him to come out of the bathroom. A few moments later he emerged, eyes flitting all over the room like a scared animal. Though there was plenty of room on the couch, he chose to sit in one of the dining table chairs just behind the couch. I tried to conceal my look of disappointment as I handed him his beer.
"This is a nice place you've got here."
"Thanks... I've been here for a while, but still haven't gotten around to really putting anything up."
"Oh? Well, it looks nice. Somewhat bare, but nice."
His grin ensured that I took the compliment as it was intended.
"Well, I don't really spend much time out here. I pretty much stay at work or in my bedroom, so this room is basically reserved for the occasional bouts of TV watching."
"Ah, I see."
We drank our beers as a silence grew. I tried to think of anything to fill the gap, and just blurted out the first thing that came to mind.
"So how long have you been in a band?"
It was safe territory, if nothing else. Erik told me about Davey's Goliath and how he got involved with them, and told me a little bit about each of his band mates. In the middle of his story, he started to pat his pockets in an all too familiar habitual way. As he kept talking, I grabbed his empty beer bottle from him and took it in the kitchen, then led him out to the back patio area. He took the one chair that was out there as I perched on the large air conditioning unit. He lit a smoke, took a drag and then let it out slowly.
"So that's about it. What about you? How long have you worked at GameTex?"
"I've actually been there for almost 3 years now. I used to do technical support, but my passion has always been marketing, so I couldn't pass up the opportunity when it came around."
Erik nodded and reached past me to stub his cigarette out in the ashtray behind me. His face was just a foot away from mine as he stood up straight.
"So I take it you didn't like doing tech support?"
Close as he was, I surprisingly kept my cool as I responded.
"I loved it... being able to help different people every day was awesome. Sometimes hearing the relief in a voice on the other end of the phone could make a whole day better. I occasionally had random people asking me out after I helped them, which was really weird, but that was the only real downside."
A strange look crossed over his face and he took a small step backwards. I wondered if I had said something to cause it, but he kept on talking as if nothing had happened.
"How does marketing compare to your illustrious days in tech support?"
"It's actually rather boring most of the time. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love my job, but I sadly spend most of my time in meetings. I do get a huge thrill when I see a new ad campaign or some new promotional work that I helped design go out, though, which is an amazing feeling."
"That sounds a lot like when we perform a new song."
I stubbed out my cigarette and hopped down off of the air conditioner. It was getting a little chilly outside, so I ushered Erik back into the house.
"I'm sure it's very similar. People don't seem to realize just how much effort goes into a huge campaign, but watching it all come to fruition is great. I love looking at an ad and thinking 'I made that!' with pride."
"That's awesome! It's always nice when people get what they want out of life."
I smiled and gestured toward the couch.
"Well, what I really want out of life right now is to pee. Make yourself at home while I run to the bathroom, and then we can watch Family Guy."
"Sure thing."
As I went to the bathroom, I couldn't help but hope that Erik hadn't resumed his solitary perch on the chair. Luckily for me, Erik had sat on the couch and was in the process of turning on the TV. He seemed a little bit mystified by the Tivo remote, so I sat down next to him and took the remote.
"Not hooked on the Tivo crack yet?"
"Nahh... I'm hardly ever home, so I don't see the need to get one."
"That's actually why I picked mine up. I don't watch a whole lot of TV any more, but I absolutely hate when nothing is on. At first, it was a little weird, but now I get angry when I go to other people's houses and can't pause and skip commercials. Luckily for me, I've gotten all of my friends addicted to it as well, so it's not that big of an issue. Maybe I'll make it my personal project to get you as hooked next!"
Erik laughed as he looked at me. I decided to push a little harder to see how he'd react.
"Here, I'll show you how to use it."
I put the remote in his hand and started pointing out buttons.
"So this is how you watch live TV?"
"No, that's how you bring up the guide. This button here..."
I grabbed his other hand and placed his finger on the right button.
"... is how you watch normal TV."
I hadn't bothered to remove my hand from his, and he didn't move his away. It was just a simple touch, but it was a start.
================ Author's Note #9 ================
This chapter took exactly 3 months to write. I created the file on April 10th, and finished the last sentence on July 10th... which is not at all what I had hoped for. Writer's block and self-doubt can wreak havoc on a story, but when I finally mustered up the energy to power through it, I realized what a big waste of time not writing has been. My guys have a story to tell, and I'm bound and determined to tell it.
Originally this chapter had a different ending, but I think it deserves to be told fully in the next chapter. Hope you enjoyed it!
This story is dedicated to the perfect man in an imperfect situation... here's to hoping that the future brings us better tidings. Time passes, but nothing fades...
Copyright 2005 by TehGenius. Comments and constructive criticism welcome at stories@tehgenius.com.