Me again! With another chapter of "Chosen Road" - I hope you all enjoy it. Guess what - the "AP" trilogy won an award!!! My little trilogy won Crossover/Other Slash Best Use of a Band Member for Justin in the Fanfic Awards 2000! I'm still having trouble believing it, but I'd like to thank whoever it was that nominated me and everyone who voted for me - I can't tell you how honored I am. :) I'd also like to thank all my buddies and dear readers who feedbacked me since the last chapter - Sue, NCFan, Crys, Philip, Rick, Jim, Red, Casey, Ray, Wen, Hunter, Annika, Joy, Kristin, Lisa, Dennis and Mike. And more thanks to everyone who has been responding to "AP"'s companion series, the "Interludes". And finally, I wanna wish everyone a wonderful holiday season and a happy happy new year!!
DISCLAIMER: Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock, I lost the disclaimer when I put it in my sock... :)
~CHOSEN ROAD~ Chapter Four
"You are the closest glimpse Of heaven I can get Without having to Die So why is it so hard For me To look you In the eye?"
- Michele Wallach
~Personal Journal of Kevin S. Richardson entry~
Dear Journal,
Apparently, punching walls doesn't release as much frustration as people say. So I'm writing this entry to keep my hands busy, lest they should end up around someone's neck.
Here's the deal - last night, Brian met a friend at a gay club (and believe me, Jeff is not too thrilled about that), and Nicky went there looking for him. While there, he got lured to a back room, held against a wall and felt up by some psycho motherfucker who better PRAY he never crosses my path. The asshole could've raped him. Thank God Brian got there when he did.
Nick's okay, so he says. Bullshit. After Brian brought him here, it took us and A.J. akmost an hour to calm him down enough so that he would go to sleep. Before he did he managed to tell us what happened, and I guess I don't need to tell you how upset we were. Like deja vu...
We're making Nicky spend the day here, so we can keep an eye on him and cheer him up. It's weird though - last night he went looking for Brian, and I think now he's trying to avoid him. I'm not sure why. Maybe Nick's angry about my cousin being so distant lately, or for the time being he's not comfortable being with a gay guy, or - and here's what I think - whatever he wanted to speak to Brian about last night, he's doubting now.
It's strange. As Nick started to get older he became more dependant on Brian and less on me. But now he doesn't seem to want to be away from me - kinda like the old days.
Or maybe it's not so odd. It makes sense that when old fears resurface, old habits come with them.
- Kevin ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Brian forced a cheerful grin onto his face. "Nicky, you wanna come outside and play with me and Tyke?"
Nick loved Brian's Chihuahua and usually jumped at the chance to play with him, but now he shook his head. Even in the tranquil, sun-lit music room the blond's face seemed haunted, the sea-blue eyes preoccupied.
"No thanks. I wanna stay with Kev."
Kevin smiled a little as he fingered the keys of the piano he sat before.
Brian seemed hurt, but he hid it pretty well. "Frack, Kev's working."
"It's cool, cuz. I like having Kaos around."
Nick smiled, leaned back in his chair and opened the book he had with him. Brian frowned a little, but left without another word. Kevin played the piano for a few minutes before glancing over and Nick, and chuckling.
The eighteen-year-old looked up. "What?"
"Sometimes it just hits me how much you've grown up. The old Nick would've nagged me into playing Nintendo with him, and now you're just sitting there quietly."
Nick rolled his eyes. "I know, I was a pest."
"Nah, all that energy was good for us. Still is, except now you channel it better. Most of the time, anyway."
Nick stuck his tongue out, and Kevin laughed.
"You just proved my point. What're you reading?"
"'To Kill A Mockingbird'. You'd like it - there's a guy in here named Boo too."
Kevin smiled at the use of his nickname. "Actually, I have read it. My English class did it my sophomore year of high school. I remember 'cause a bunch of the parents had a fit that we were assigned to read a book that discussed rape."
Nick flinched, just visibly. Kevin mentally slapped himself.
"I'm sorry, Nicky. I wasn't thinking."
Nick threw down the book and glared at his bandmate. "Don't tip-toe around me like that, Kevin. I wasn't raped, so why should I be upset at your use of the word?"
Kevin turned so he was facing his little brother. "Because that possibility was present last night, and you know it. Stop pretending that what happened didn't affect you. I know you, Nicky."
The blond stood up, his eyes flashing with unfocused anger. "No you don't! God, you all say that but you don't! You knew me, you knew 'Little Nicky', the thirteen-year-old you told bed-time stories to! The hyper little pest by day, Lou Pearlman's fuck-toy by night!!"
"Nicky..."
Kevin stood and reached for his hysterical brother. Nick pushed him away and sank down to the carpet, falling in a heap. He placed his hands over his face, and when he spoke his voice was muffled.
"I'm not who I used to be, Kev. I'd think I'm a totally different person, if only I didn't still feel him touching me in my dreams. Kevin, I'm scared. I'm scared he made me what I am and I might've been different otherwise."
Kevin cautiously sat down next to Nick and pulled him closer, so Nick's head rested on his shoulder.
"Kiddo, everyone who crosses your path has a hand in making you who you turn out to be. It's like that for everyone. No one can live without being affected by other people. There's good influences, like us five have been for eachother, and bad ones, like Lou. But we are how and who we're meant to be, I really believe that. You're you, Nicky, and deep down you're still the same little boy who used to sleep with me when he had nightmares...you're just more now, 'cause you've grown. Lou hurt you, but he didn't change what you are. A guy I'm proud to call my little brother and my friend."
Kevin sounded choked-up as he finished his little spech. Nick sniffled, but smiled a little, and allowed himself to be embraced warmly.
"What were you thinking of, Nicky? What's changed?"
The blond sighed resignedly. "Kev, I have feelings for Brian. More-than-friendship feelings."
The oldest Backstreet Boy was silent for a few moments, trying to process this news.
"Kaos, are you sure?"
"I like him, Kev. That way."
Kevin's arm instinctively tightened around Nick. "Kiddo, I'm not a psychiatrist, but isn't it possible that what you've gone through might have you confused? I mean, did you ever think about Brian like this when you were younger?"
"Kev, until this year the thought of being intimate with anyone freaked me out...ya know...because of what I associated it with. I hardly got to know Brian before the stuff with Lou started. I've never felt free to care about someone this way till now...and Brian's the only one I think of."
Kevin gently brushed the blond hair back from Nick's face. "Nick, I'm not trying to say that you're wrong about how you feel. But I'm concerned that maybe, without realizing it, you're forcing yourself to think this way because you feel bad about not being able to return Brian's feelings."
"Boo, I know about guilt. I relearned it every time Lou touched me. I discovered how deep it buries itself in other feelings, making you think it's gone till it reappears. I realized what an awful curse it is, how it can devour us from the inside out. But mostly I learned how to live with guilt, with Brian and Lou, and now I'm doing my best to deal and get past it.
"But what I'm feeling for Bri is separate from all that. It feels...pure. Something I haven't felt for a long time."
"Are you gonna tell him?" Kevin asked.
"I want to, but I feel bad. I lied to him."
"You weren't sure how you felt, Nicky. That's not lying, it's being confused."
Nick shook his head. "I didn't mean that. A few weeks ago, I asked Brian to kiss me. I wanted to know what it would be like, and see if I felt anything. And I did. It was so nice..."
Kevin smiled. "But you told him you didn't feel anything."
"Uh-huh."
"You were scared. It's a natural lie to tell."
"You think he'll forgive me?"
"I think my cousin could forgive you anything."
Nick smirked. "I dunno. I think he's still bitter about all those water balloons."
Kevin laughed at the memory, and Nick joined in.
"You want me to be with you when you tell him?"
Nick rolled his eyes comically. "Kev, you can't hold my hand through everything."
"I can try! Not on camera, though. Jeff would freak."
Giggling, Nick rose and helped his brother up. "Thanks for the offer, Kev, but I'm not ready to tell him yet. And when I am, I should do it alone. I do wanna talk to Bri today though - try and fix the friendship before we talk about having more."
"Good idea, Nicky. He's worried about you."
Nick giggled again. "Does that run in your family or something?"
Kevin mussed the fine blond hair. "Cute, Nicky."
"I hope A.J.'s not within hearing distance...you know how he gets when the 'c' word is used in conjunction with my name."
"'Conjunction'? I think that's the biggest word I've ever heard you use, Nicky."
The eighteen-year-old rolled his eyes. "Kev, sometimes you and Frick are so much alike that it scares me."
"Honestly, it scares me too. I live in fear that one day I might buy a Chihuahua, eat macaroni-and-cheese by the ton and look like a Wahlberg."
Nick sank back to the floor, laughing so hard that tears were rolling down his cheeks. When he started breathing again he changed the subject.
"What was that you were playing before?"
"I was figuring out the keyboards to 'Back to Your Heart'. I was trying to find the right sound."
"On a piano?"
"Hmm...maybe that's why I was having trouble. You can do a lot more with keyboards, but I like the piano better. It makes more sense to me."
Nick grinned. "It makes no sense to me."
"That's 'cause you waste all your brain power on those loud drums. I bet that's why you like the drums so much, 'cause they make a lot of noise."
Nick smiled wryly. "And what is wrong with a lot of noise?"
"Two words, Nicky - screaming girls."
The blond winced. "Ouch. Okay, you've made your point. Anyways, I like the drums 'cause it's music and I'm pretty good at it."
"Like me with the piano. You ever try playing this thing?"
Nick laughed. "Actually, I was one of those lucky kids who managed to talk their parents out of piano lessons."
Kevin sat down at the instrument and gestured for Nick to sit beside him. "I'll teach you. You'll like it, it's good for the soul. Playing always makes me feel better. It's healing."
Nick nodded, the blue eyes already seeming brighter. "I could use some of that." ----------------------------------------------------------------------
//Thwack, bounce, catch. Thwack, bounce, catch. Thwack, bounce...//
The words played over and over in Brian's head as he repeated the movements. Suddenly Kevin appeared next to him, frowning.
"Cuz, you shouldn't be tossing the basketball against the wall like that."
Brian looked at the wall of the hallway he was standing in. Noticing the many framed pictures on it, all of which shook each time the ball hit, he saw Kevin's point.
"Sorry, Kev."
"It's okay. Howie just got back from his mom's, so I'm gonna go fill him in about last night, 'kay?"
"Uh-huh."
Kevin sighed. "What's wrong, cuz?"
Brian turned the basketball around in his hands, his eyes cast downward. "Nick's been sticking pretty close to you lately."
"Yeah."
"And you've always stuck pretty close to him."
"Well, yeah."
"Kev, please don't take this the wrong way but I need to know. Are you interested in Nick?"
"WHAT?!" Kevin was shocked. "No, Bri, I'm not. Remember Kristin? My girlfriend? That I love?"
"I'm sorry, Kev. That was a stupid question."
"Well, it sure surprised me. Why'd you ask?"
Brian seemed embarassed. "Um, I...it's like...you've always been around Nick so much, and I know that was kinda your job 'cause you're the oldest, but I just had to be sure it wasn't something more," he blurted out.
Kevin stared at him with amazement, then looked very disturbed. "Whoa.
Bri, I promise you, it is not like that. I love Nick a lot, but when I baby him or get over-protective it's 'cause old habits die hard. Nick was so young when we started out, and he still needed someone to be like a parent, taking care of him and setting rules. But that's all it ever was, Bri. For me, wanting to be with Nick like that would be like wanting to date my own kid. Ugh."
The ridiculousness of the question finally hit Brian, and he blushed. "I'm sorry, Kev."
"It's okay. I've heard dumber questions."
Brian grinned. "Like that fan in Boston who asked you if you ever go to the bathroom?"
Kevin chuckled. "Yep."
"So silly. I mean, everyone knows you wear adult diapers."
"Ha ha. That was worthy of A.J., cuz, and that's not a compliment. Hmm, see ya later. Howie'll think I forgot him or something."
Kevin went off to find his bandmate. Brian leaned his head against the door that faced him.
//How stupid can you be, Littrell?! I mean, Kevin and Nick? That's insane. I can't believe I asked that.//
//But you and Nick being together makes so much sense?//
//I can't tell my heart what makes sense to it. It tells me. And I can't help that some inner voice, something deeper and stronger than you, tells me that how I feel isn't wrong. Hopeless, perhaps. But right.//
Brian turned to go down the hallway. Just then, from behind the door he had leaned against, a faint, soft sound rose up. Piano music.
Puzzled, Brian put his ear to the door and listened. Yes, definitely piano music. It was a simple piece that Brian recognized but couldn't identify, played haltingly, as though by a beginner, but not at all badly.
//Huh? Kevin's the only one who plays that thing.//
Brian slowly opened the door and slipped inside. He stood quietly in the corner, watching with wonder.
Nick was sitting at the piano, his fingers moving hesitantly over the polished keys. His back was to Brian, and he seemed completely focused on the task at hand, so he didn't notice his observer.
Brian smiled. It was such a strange contrast. He had only ever seen Nick play the drums, gleefully keeping a beat as loudly as he could, and now here he was, playing a gentle melody that somehow had even more power.
Then the sound was gone, and Brian thought vaguely of something Kevin had once said. Something about the silence following music being painful. Brian felt a lump forming in his throat, and wondered if this was what he'd meant.
After a moment, Nick looked at him, then back to the piano, seeming only mildly surprised.
"Hi, Bri."
"Hey, Nicky. That was nice...I didn't know you played."
Nick shrugged. "I don't. Kevin's been teaching me a little."
"Nicky, what's happened to us?"
The blond slumped where he sat on the cushioned stool. He mutely observed his sneakers, saying nothing.
Brian continued. "We were inseparable from the day we met. Now it's like you're doing all you can to avoid me. I know, I know...I started that first. I'm sorry."
//I'm not avoiding you, Bri. I've been avoiding whatever it is inside me that glows whenever I look at you. Those feelings, the ones you stir in me, are the closest to Heaven I've ever been. That warmth whispers hope and possibility to a heart which for so long believed in neither. But I'm afraid, Brian.//
"Why are you scared of me?" the older man asked, as though he'd heard the thought.
Nick closed his eyes, nearly weeping with guilt.
"Nick, I'd never hurt you for anything. Not on purpose. Please don't be frightened of me."
"God, Bri, I'm not. It's just...you've pulled away from me over the last two weeks. Do you know how that made me feel? Alone. So alone. Lou used to tell me that he was lonely, that that gave him the right to touch me like he did. Maybe once I even believed him. And I'd wonder how that made him feel better, doing something that made me feel the way I did. There was so much...anger, disgust, guilt, confusion, fear, hate...but underneath it all there was this sense of being apart, separate from everything. From laughter, friends, choice, love, music, even my own voice.
It's funny. My voice is what got me into the whole mess, yet he never seemed to hear it saying 'no'.
"But the point is...with the help of you guys and Doctor Sadler, the loneliness that Lou put inside me started to go away. When you pulled away from me I began to feel it again."
Pain shone through Brian's face like sunlight from behind a window. "Oh, Nicky. I am...so sorry."
Nick swung his legs around the bench to face his friend. "I don't want you to be sorry. I want you to stop looking at me like something you've lost. I'm right here, Bri."
Brian slowly approached the young blond, as if expecting him to run away. "Nick, I thought I had lost you. I did withdraw from you after you let me kiss you, but not because I didn't want to be around you. I just..."
//I just don't understand. I don't understand how that kiss, the most perfect few seconds of my life, could've meant nothing to you. I love you, Nick, and I'm not gonna stop. I just wish you felt it too."
"Just...I don't know. I so much didn't want to hurt you, but I did. Nicky, I don't want things to be awkward between us. I can deal with what I feel for you, and the fact that you don't feel it back. But what I can't handle is seeing you upset and not being able to hold you and tell you everything's gonna be okay. Last night, when you were sobbing in my arms, all I could think about was how much I want to protect you.
"Nicky, I helped you grow up. I don't know exactly when - sometime between the basketball games and homework and goofing off and the pranks we played - but I decided that it was one duty of my life to keep you safe. And all that time, during the games and shows and interviews, I was so busy falling in love that I didn't see what you were going through."
Seeing that Nick was about to protest, Brian quickly continued.
"I know - it's not my fault, you didn't want us to know. But I don't ever wanna be in the dark like that again. I want us to be able to tell eachother anything, like it should be between best friends. Can we have that, Nicky? Please?"
Nick smiled, and his fair face glowed with relief. "Bri, I can't tell you how much I'd love that."
The young blond wiped his eyes.
"Why are you crying, Kaos?"
"Bri...last night, if you hadn't gotten there when you did...I was so scared..."
Brian sank down onto the stool next to his best friend and wrapped his arms around him. "It's okay now, I did get there in time, thank God."
Nick rested his head on Brian's shoulder. "Bri, I need to talk to you about something. Not just yet, but soon. Okay?"
"Whever you're ready, Nicky. For now, I'm happy 'cause Frick and Frack are back! They are, aren't they?"
Nick nodded, allowing the arms to draw him closer. "Frick, they never left."
~to be continued~ Questions, comments welcome to me at DaraLynn_writings@hotmail.com