Hey all! The next few chapters might take a little while, but I just had to send out another part before the new millennium. You know, just in case the planet blows up. :) But before we get to the story, I just wanna say thanks to the kewl people who feedbacked me since the last chapter - Sue, Red, Ray, Neena, NCFan, Sophie, Jordan, Colleen, Jordan (two of 'em! Kewl!), Will, Aimee, Moriah, Ath and anyone I might've stupidly missed...thank you. And congratualtions to Ice!!!! And Aimee, I've thought it over, and I think it would really offset the story if I had Brian beat the crap out of Nick. But maybe in a future story. :) There are way too many stories here that I love, so I'll just blurt a few out off the top of my head: read "A Tale of Two Boybands", "Nsync: Lance n JC", "Playing For Keeps" (and someone please get Kimmer to update!), "Tearin' Up My Ass" (no stopping now, Rick!), "Calming Waters", "Desperate Measures" (woo for devious Kevin!), "Little White Lies", "Porcelain", "Tears In Your Eyes", "Hide In Plain Sight", "Chances Are"...oh heck, read everything!!! NIFTY RULES!!! :)
Okay, is it time for Dara to shut up yet? Fine fine, just lemme do the disclaimer...
DISCLAIMER: I'm not saying it. You cannot make me say it. Heck, if 'Nsync sued me, I might get to meet them! Okay, fine! I don't know 'Nsync, except in my dear Casey's imagination, where I get to stick my hand down Lance's pants. :) And there's some disturbing imagery in here, 'kay?
Remember... //....// ----- signify thoughts .... ----- signify emphasis on a word or phrase ------ ----- means a change in format, time or setting ~.....~ ---- mean memory
~CHOSEN ROAD~ Chapter Five
"I've seen so many changes in you, things I could never have expected. But as hard as the changes have been, you've got to know that it's for a reason.
All this is for a reason. Otherwise, what's the point?"
- 'Xena: Warrior Princess'
"You said that the way Elwood treated you puzzles you...can we talk about that?"
Justin nodded slowly. "I don't understand. I thought...rapists are violent with their victims, they hurt them physically as well as sexually. But he never hit me. He shot one of his employees eight times for slapping me. Doc..."
"Yes, Justin?" Dr. Gorman said patiently.
The deep blue eyes dropped. "It...it was rape, wasn't it?"
"Justin, if you didn't want it and told him so, and he did it anyway, that's rape. Just because you couldn't fight doesn't mean you consented, and just because he didn't abuse you physically doesn't mean he didn't hurt you. You did not allow him to have sex with you, and you did not encourage it. It was in no way your fault."
Justin looked down at his lap, twiddling his fingers.
"And just because he didn't threaten your life doesn't mean you had a choice. Elwood knew what you cared about most, he knew your weaknesses."
"He knew everything about me. He even suspected there was something between me and Josh."
"And he used your love for J.C., didn't he?"
Justin breathed deeply, summoning the strength to speak about the horrors that haunted him. "He...did stuff to me a couple different times before the, um, actual rape. The first time he had Jared hold me down, and the others he threatened to kill Josh and the guys if I didn't let him do what he wanted."
"Do you want to tell me about those times, Justin?" the doctor asked gently. "It might make you feel better."
Justin closed his eyes, nervously scanning his memories.
~Colin Elwood held Justin in place where he sat on the couch, the teenager's jeans and boxers around his ankles. Justin sobbed and trembled as the man caressed his inner thighs.
Elwood's face darkened, though his touching remained gentle. "Do you let J.C. touch you like this? Would you be crying if your so-called best friend were doing this?"
Justin didn't reply, but kept his eyes squeezed shut as he wept.
"There's no need to cry, I won't hurt you. Soon I'll make you forget all about J.C...."~
Justin's eyes flew open, and Dr. Gorman was alarmed by the singer's obvious terror.
"Josh," the boy whimpered. "I want Josh."
"Okay, it's all right, I'll get him."
The doctor opened the door and motioned for J.C. Upon entering, the twenty-two-year-old ran to Justin. Sitting down on the small couch, he pulled him into his arms, patting his back soothingly as Justin wept.
"Let it out, Just. You're safe now."
"How could he think he'd ever make me forget you, Josh? How could he think he wasn't hurting me?!"
Tears streamed down J.C.'s cheeks as his boyfriend clung to him, pressing the angelic face against J.C.'s chest.
"I don't know, hon. I wish I could tell you, I wish I had the answers to all your questions. But I ask myself the same things, and all I can think is how much I hate that bastard for taking you away from me."
He lifted Justin's face, and the pure love emanating from his eyes was enough to stop the boy's sobs.
"Listen to me, okay? No one else will ever take you from me. I lived without your heart for twenty-two years, and now that I have it I'm not gonna let go. I'm not gonna lose you again, ever. I love you, angel, and that's the only real answer I have."
In reply, Justin leaned in and pressed his lips against his boyfriend's. J.C.'s arms pulled him closer, and for a few moments a gently kiss soothed them both.
Suddenly remembering where they were, the two soulmates pulled apart and looked guiltily at the psychiatrist.
A faint blush colored Justin's damp cheeks. "Whoa...sorry, Doc."
"For what, being in love? There's no need to apologize, or refrain from such expressions of affection in my presence. God knows you have to hide your feelings from enough people."
Justin smiled as he wiped his face. "It doesn't, like, offend you?"
"Of course not. Nothing done with love offends me. But at the risk of seeming intrusive, J.C., I feel I should remind you that Justin is in a rather fragile state concerning sex. Justin, before you attack me, I don't mean to imply that J.C. is pressuring you, because I'm sure he's doing quite the opposite. I just wanted to be sure you're taking things slowly."
Justin, normally very defensive when it came to his best friend, surprised J.C. by simply nodding. "We are, Doc. Josh is being really cool about that."
J.C. squeezed his hand. //Of course, baby. You would not bleieve how touching you feels for me, but I don't have to do it to love you. I meant what I told Chris - I have even more now than I ever dreamed possible. I'd be lying if I said I don't want more, but this is enough. Kissing you, rocking you to sleep, just holding your hand...it's incredible.//
Dr. Gorman smiled. "That's what I thought. And J.C., as you requested I examined Justin before we began today."
"And?"
"And physically he's fine. Just make sure he eats and don't let him exhaust himself."
Justin scowled. "Would you guys quit talkin' about me like I'm not here?"
"My apologies, Justin. Also, I'd like to put you on an anti-depressant for a while."
"What? Why? Doc, I'm upset a lot, but isn't that normal right now?"
"Of course, it's perfectly natural that you be upset. Time will take care of the trauma, and love - those are the real medicine here. But I'd like to see how you respond to an anti-depressant, and it may help balance your mood. Your mood swings would become less extreme, and that would be helpful to you, correct?"
Justin nodded reluctantly. "So...like, Prozac?"
"Yes, I think that would be the best one for you."
J.C. spoke up. "What side effects are there?"
"There may be some accompanying feelings of anxiety or nervousness, but not too many people experience that. The rarer and more extreme side effects are very unlikely to bother Justin. You've said he gets sick a lot?"
"Yeah, if something's going around, he gets it," said J.C.
Justin groaned. "I take vitamins and everything, but I always get the flu the first week of a tour. I hate it."
Dr. Gorman smiled sympathetically. "I'll give you some literature discussing Prozac and its side effects, but I doubt you'll experience anything worse than maybe a headache here and there and possibly some trouble sleeping. All right?"
"Okay, Doc. That all for today?"
The psychiatrist stood, as did J.C. and Justin. "Yes. Follow me, I'll write up the prescription..." ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chris Kirkpatrick pressed himself against the side of the refrigerator, mentally reminding himself to breathe quietly. He listened for a sign of his opponent, ready to leap out at any moment.
A sound of soft footsteps approached, and Chris grinned widely. Tightening his fingers around his weapon, Chris sprang. "HA HA!"
Jonathan Harless shrieked with surprise, and his arms flew up as an ineffective shield as he was sprayed with water. "Chris! You scared me!"
Chris shrugged, attempting to look solemn. "War ain't pretty, Jon. Even when using Super Soakers."
The five-year-old giggled. Despite the height difference and Jonathan's straight hair and glasses, when the kid laughed he looked just like Justin. And also had quite an attitude.
"You just wait! When my big brother gets home I'm gonna tell him you scared me!"
Chris kneeled down on the tiled floor, not seeming to care that it was wet. "Yeah, well, your big brother is my little brother. If he tries anything, I'll stick his head in the toilet."
Jonathan giggled again. He loved all the 'Nsync guys, who were like wacky uncles to him, but Chris he considered the most fun. Not many twenty-seven-year-olds he knew would play water guns with him, especially in the house.
After a moment, the child's face grew serious. "Chris, why does Justin go to the doctor so much?"
The eldest 'Nsyncer put down his Super Soaker. "Jon, you remember how your mom explained what a psychiatrist is? A doctor for your feelings?"
"Uh-huh."
"Well, Justin still has some sad feelings and fear inside him because of what happened to him. He's still scared and upset, so he goes to the psychiatrist to talk about those feelings so they'll go away."
"Is that how come he cries so much now? 'Cause he was kidnapped?"
Chris nodded.
Jonathan pouted. "Why would anyone wanna hurt my brother?"
Chris shook his head sadly. "I wish I knew, kiddo."
"How come Justin always stops crying when he sees me?"
"Because he doesn't wanna make you sad. Justin's getting better, Jon, and crying is part of how he's doing it. He doesn't want you to see because he's your big brother, and he wants to be strong for you."
Jonathan nodded slowly. "Mommy and Daddy said that it takes more strength to cry."
"It does. It doesn't mean you're weak, it means simply that you're man enough to show how you feel."
"Why does J.C. cry?"
"What?" Chris didn't quite understand.
"When Justin cries, J.C. hugs him and talks to him alone. But J.C. cries too."
Chris smiled a little. "That's because J.C. loves your big brother so much. He hates to see Justin sad."
"Me too. Chris, is Justin gonna be okay?"
Chris ruffled the boy's hair. "Yes. It might take a while, but he's gonna be fine."
"Promise?"
"Promise."
Jonathan grinned. At the sound of the front door opening his face lit up, and he dashed into the living room. "Justin! You're back!"
The five-year-old flew excitedly at his brother, who laughed and picked him up. Justin smiled lovingly at his younger sibling, trying to inconspicuously wipe his reddened eyes.
"Justin, Chris said that crying helps you get better. I want you to get better. You don't have to hide your crying from me."
Justin looked with surprise at Jonathan, then at Chris, then back to Jonathan. He hugged his little brother tightly before putting him down.
"Thanks, little bro. I love you."
"I love you too. Wanna see the mess me and Chris made?"
J.C. groaned. "Chris..."
"It's just water!"
Justin sighed. "Super Soakers in the house again, huh?"
Before Chris could answer, they heard a car pull up outside. Chris gasped and ran for the kitchen.
"Lynn's back! Where's the mop?!"
The others went out to greet Lynn, and helped her haul endless bags of groceries into the now-drier kitchen.
"Thank you, boys. Justin, honey, how was your appointment?"
"Okay." Justin hopped up to sit on the counter, swinging his legs like a little boy. "The doc's putting me on happy pills, Mom."
"What?"
J.C. explained. "Dr. Gorman wants to put him on Prozac for a while."
Lynn nodded slowly. "If he thinks that's best. Oh, boys, I've got to drop Jonathan off at Tommy's house now if I want to get back in time for our guests. Would you guys please put away the groceries?"
"What do you think, guys?" Chris joked.
"I think we should," said J.C. "It's a small enough request from the lady who gave us our name. And my best friend."
Justin grinned. "Consider it done, Mom."
Lynn sighed. "Thank you, dears. Come on, sweetie."
"Bye, guys!" Jonathan waved as he was led out, and the three 'Nsyncers waved back.
J.C. addressed Chris as he put vegetables in the refrigerator. "Lance and Joey get back yet?"
"Yup, they'll be here later. Johnny's probably yelling at 'em for not taking security, and being gone that long without permission."
Justin was still sitting on the counter, stuffing boxes of cereal into a cabinet. "I can't believe they missed their plane. Joey, yeah. But Lance? No way. Joey must be being a bad influence on him."
Chris cackled wickedly.
J.C. rolled his eyes. "You have a sick mind, Chris. I mean, come on! Lance and Joey? They're polar opposites."
"Opposites attract. And Poo-Fu's never really said which way he bends."
J.C. seemed uncomfortable all of a sudden. This puzzled Chris, but he decided to change the subject.
"So...Prozac, huh?"
Justin nodded, holding up the bottle. "Yeah. But I don't see how a pill can make me happy."
Chris shook his head. "That's not what it does. Depression is caused by a chemical imbalance. Anti-depressants help to correct that. And Prozac's real safe. Even the most minor side effects aren't that common."
Justin sighed, seeming suddenly glum. J.C. went to him and took the boy's hands. After a silent moment J.C. carefully slid Justin off the counter, and their lips came together as they clung to one another. Through the kiss, J.C. felt Justin smile faintly.
As they pulled apart, the two loves jumped to see Chris's grinning face just inches away.
"Oooh, how does that taste?"
"CHRIS!" Justin shrieked.
"Gotta go, guys! Meeting Chelsea. See ya!"
"Can't play the field forever, Chris!" J.C. called as the oldest 'Nsyncer left through the back door.
"I can try!
Justin sighed with amusement. "You think Chris'll ever settle down, Josh?"
"Yeah, when he meets the right person." J.C. looked at Justin silently for a few moments, tears forming in the light eyes.
"Josh, what's wrong?"
J.C. pulled Justin to him, his arms encircling the puzzled teenager protectively. Almost fearfully. He ran one hand up and down Justin's back, and the other rested on the back of his neck. Justin was alarmed to realize his boyfriend was breathing in choked sobs.
"Josh?"
The trembling hands clutched him tighter, but no answer came. Justin lifted J.C.'s face so they could look at eachother.
"Josh, all these years you've taken care of me, you've always tried to hide your own problems. You've dealt with every terrible feeling on your own because you wanted to be strong for me. Josh, I don't want you to do that anymore. You're allowed to stumble too...I'll catch you, like you've always caught me."
J.C. smiled as Justin's fingers brushed away his tears. He caught one of the hands and pressed it to his lips.
"Josh, I can hold you up too."
"Angel, you do. You are."
"So tell me what's wrong."
"I just...when you were gone, it was like everything beautiful and worth living for had been snatched away. I blinked and it was gone! I...felt that nothing was ever gonna be okay again..."
"Josh, I'm here. I'm right here. It's okay now."
To J.C.'s bewilderment, his arms were gently pushed off from around Justin. Then he smiled with understanding as Justin embraced him, held J.C. as he himself had so often been held. It was a strange, but nice, feeling for J.C. He had always been the one comforting Justin, but it had been a rare, rare occurrence that J.C. needed that kind of strength. It was nice to be reminded that Justin, also, could give it.
//In this too, we're now even.//
"Josh, what can I do for you?"
"Don't let go. Please, don't let go yet..."
Justin smiled as he rested his cheek on the thick brown hair, damp with his own tears.
"I wasn't gonna." ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Both J.C. and Justin visibly jumped where they sat when the doorbell rang, and nervously stood up. They followed Lynn as she went to answer the door, remaining a few feet behind her.
Detective Larsen stepped in first. He greeted and shook hands with Lynn, then J.C., and finally Justin, at whom he smiled warmly. Obviously he was relieved to see that the boy was well - a far cry from the abused, nearly-lifeless body he'd discovered three weeks earlier, and quite an improvement from the confused child he'd questioned a week later.
"How are you, Justin? You look good."
The seventeen-year-old smiled shyly. "I'm okay."
Detective Murray nodded. "We're very happy that you're feeling better."
"Thank you."
After they had all sat down in the living room, Lynn smiled brightly, trying to hide her apprehension. "Would anyone care for something to drink?
Coffee?"
The detectives and singers declined politely.
J.C. spoke up. "So, what's this about?"
Det. Larsen cleared his throat. "We'll be straightforward. Over the past weeks background research has been done on Colin Elwood, and his property has been thoroughly searched and examined."
Justin fidgeted a little, but remained mostly expressionless. Larsen looked at the boy for a moment, and seemed to fall silent. With a sigh, Det. Murray continued.
"During the inventory, some video tapes were found and viewed. Apparently the content was filmed using hidden cameras."
The hand that J.C. held suddenly felt cold. Justin trembled, and his breathing became louder and erratic. J.C. rubbed his back soothingly, concern lighting up the pale blue eyes.
"Ssh...hon, it's okay."
Justin shook his head vehemently, tears racing down his cheeks. From his other side, warm, familiar arms pulled him gently into his mother's embrace. One look at the pain on Lynn and J.C.'s faces told Det. Murray that they knew what was on the tapes, but he had to say it.
"The sexual assaults and the rape were recorded. Myself, Detective Larsen and our captain had to view the tapes as part of our criminal investigation. I'm...God, I'm so sorry."
J.C. looked at them dumbly, silent horror painting his handsome face. He wanted more than anything to hold Justin, but couldn't very well grab the seventeen-year-old from his mother's arms. Justin remained there for a few minutes, then pulled back, wiping his eyes. Calmly but painfully, he looked at the detectives.
"You...you saw it?"
They nodded. J.C. reclaimed Justin's hand before speaking.
"And what do you intend to do with the tapes?"
"Normally they'd be used as evidence in convicting the rapist," Larsen replied. "But in this case, the only criminal we have left to deal with is Korman."
J.C. remembered something. "Wasn't another, um, accomplice left alive?
One of the security?"
"He's already taken care of - plea-bargained himself into five years. As I was saying...Korman has agreed to plead guilty, and we've have enough to convict him without the tapes anyway. So we can give the tapes to you, or if you'd prefer we will destroy them for you."
Justin looked pointedly at J.C., plainly implying that he wanted his soulmate to answer.
"What would you reccommend, Detectives? I'd want them destroyed, but something tells me you have another idea."
Larsen answered honestly. "The conversations and non-physical interaction on the tapes may be useful to Justin's therapist. The more he knows about what happened, the better equipped he is to help. If you wish, we could give that footage to him."
Justin nodded.
"We would appreciate that," said J.C.
The detectives stood slowly, obviously relieved.
"We should be going," Murray said. He looked sympathetically at Justin. "Son, is there anything we can do for you?"
"Um...is there any way..."
"Yes?"
"I'd kinda like a picture of Rick."
The police officers smiled. "Of course, we'll pull one for you from the tapes using the computer. And you have our word - save for your therapist, no one else will ever see what you went through," Larsen promised. "You're a very strong young man, Justin. You should be proud of yourself."
The teenager smiled weakly. He stood, and shook hands with both officers. "Thank you both, for all you've done for me. How can I repay you?"
Murray smiled. "By being safe and never needing us again. Though if you do, we're always happy to help."
Lynn spoke warmly as she gratefully embraced her son's rescuers. "You also have daughters who will be receiving 'Nsync tickets and backstage passes when the next tour starts."
Though obviously overjoyed, the detectives protested. Lynn insisted and managed to win the argument as she walked them to the door. J.C. looked into Justin's eyes as they stood in the center of the room, holding hands.
"Baby?"
"I'm okay, Josh. Honest."
"I believe you. So...who's Rick? Can you tell me?"
Justin bit his bottom lip. Of all that he had spoken of concerning his time as a captive, Rick he had never mentioned. He wasn't quite sure why. Perhaps because Justin felt guilty that the man had been killed for trying to help him. Or maybe because Rick's death had completed the true horror of the experience, the awful knowledge that no life was so sacred that it couldn't be taken, however good the person's intentions.
Or maybe because he missed Rick, who given time could've been a life-long friend. And Justin was appalled that he could miss anything about that time. But during the nightmare Rick had represented hope and sanity; even during the difficult period following Justin's return from where his mind had retreated, the boy had remembered the serious, red-haired man who'd looked at him with reverence, as though he were a church ornament.
Thinking about Rick wasn't too painful to handle - Justin had even snuck away from J.C. and the others long enough to arrange to pay for Rick's funeral arrangements and have a large check sent anonymously to his family. But was Justin ready to talk about him?
The patient love in J.C.'s curious eyes gave him the answer.
"Yeah, Josh. I'd like to tell you." ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Justin spoke quietly and calmly, telling all he remembered about the sympathetic janitor - what he'd said, how he'd felt, why he'd been murdered.
In speaking of Rick Justin revealed more about the experience as a whole, not seeming to realize he was doing it.
The boy spoke directly to J.C., but didn't seem to mind the other two listeners. One was Lynn, who sat with her hands folded and her eyes wet with tears. The other was Chris, who'd returned early from his date with Chelsea.
When Justin stopped speaking, J.C. blinked with amazement. "God. I wish I could've thanked him."
"Do you think maybe...he lied? That maybe Rick wasn't killed?" Chris asked carefully.
Lynn answered gently. "Chris, the body was found, dear."
Justin nodded. "anyway...he didn't lie very often. Rick told me so...um, is it okay if we talk about something else?"
Chris grinned cheerfully. "Yeah. We gotta discuss the wedding invitations, and of course the china pattern..."
Justin blushed, but allowed himself to be pulled onto his boyfriend's lap. The soulmates smiled patiently as Chris continued.
"And of course, I get to be the Maid of Honor, so Lance and Joey'll probably catfight over the Best Man position...could get ugly. But who's gonna give the bride away? I guess that's not a big problem since there is no bride -"
"Chris," interrupted J.C. "We just started dating a few weeks ago. Don't you think you're rushing a little?"
"Oh, please. You guys have been practically married ever since I met you. And I wanna throw rice, dammit!"
"Christopher."
"Sorry, Lynn. But don't you wanna see these two hitched?"
She smiled diplomatically. "If and when they're ready, I think we'll all be very happy to see that. But I think your insistence is making them uncomfortable, Chris."
Chris sighed, and turned to his bandmates. "Okay, but really, is there any doubt in your minds that you've found your soulmate?"
Justin shook his head.
"Chris," said J.C., "I knew Justin and I belonged together the day I met him. The idea of spending my life loving anyone else is horrifying...why trade an angel, for anything? I do wanna marry him, but not if he doesn't want to."
Justin shifted, and looked into J.C.'s eyes. "I do want to. Just not yet. I wanna be...better, more healed first. I don't want to have any doubts or fears haunting me when we take that step. Is that okay, Josh?"
"Absolutely."
J.C. kissed him, running his fingers through the silky blond curls. Chris playfully pretended to gag until Lynn threw a pillow at him. The eldest 'Nsyncer looked like he wanted to protest when they heard the back door opening.
By the sound of their footsteps Chris identified the visitors. "Joey and Lance, thank God! Some other single, semi-straight dudes to hang with. The three unattached, non-coupled 'Nsyncers together again! Hey guys, we're in here!"
J.C. and Justin detached themselves from eachother long enough to look up as their bandmates entered the room. The smiles of welcome quickly gave way to looks of shock. Lance and Joey had entered the room holding hands, and by their manner and the shy glances they gave eachother, it was very clear that this was no act of mere friendship. Lynn laughed softly, having yet again been proved right in her assumptions. J.C. and Justin, also holding hands, stared at the guests in wonder.
Chris, for his part, promptly buried his face in his hands. "And then there was one," he groaned.
~to be continued~ Questions and comments to me at DaraLynn_writings@hotmail.com