Hey all! I know at this point you tend to shake your heads at me and proceed to the chapter quote, but I'd recommend reading the disclaimer this time - it'll give ya a little clue about what to expect in this chapter.
Big thanks as always to my archivers and readers, including Sue, Sylv, Ath, Rick, Mikey, Jordan, Dennis (I hope you feel better hon), Red (nothing can stop you, girl, not even them pesky automobile thingies), Casey (one word hon - decaf), Neena, Gabrielle, Hunter, Willow, Jrok, Jackie, Amaya, Aimee, Lisa, Annika, Sophie and Will. I'm especially grateful to those of you who complimented the smutty bit - I was very nervous. :)
Okay, one more thing, then you can read the disclaimer. Guess what - I'm a co-list mom! If you like reading and/or writing Nsync slash fic that contains dark elements and angst, check out NsyncSlashAngst at eGroups. If you're over eighteen and interested, you're welcome!
DISCLAIMER: The penguins may be stealing my sanity, but I can still write a disclaimer. But instead I'm going to use this space to apologize to all of you who get irked by seeing the BSB and 'Nsync together, 'cause this chapter is a sort of crossover. I know what you're thinking...hey, isn't it dangerous to have Nick and Justin in the same room in Dara's writing, seeing as how blonds tend to suffer when she writes? Stay calm everyone, Bri and Joshie are nearby. Um....what was I saying? I meant to say, I don't know or own 'Nsync or BSB, this is just fiction. It doesn't mean anything, except that I need professional help. :)
~CHOSEN ROAD~ Chapter Eight
"Ultimately, maybe it's other people's reactions to us that make us who we are."
- 'X-Files'
"So you haven't told him yet?" the psychiatrist asked gently.
Nick squirmed in his chair. "I was gonna that night, but...after what happened..."
Dr. Sadler smiled sympathetically. "Why don't we talk about the incident that night? Are you ready?"
The eighteen-year-old breathed in deeply and nodded. "I went looking for Bri to talk to him about how I feel. He was at this club - a gay club, I found out once I was inside. This guy at the bar, Tad, said he knew where Brian was and that he could show me. Looking back I realize how dumb going with him was, but I was so worked up about spilling my guts to Frick that I didn't really think about it. Anyway, he led me to this back room, held me against the wall and started touching me."
A little smile replaced the boy's frown. "Then Bri came in, with the friend he was there with, and pulled Tad off me. He punched him and told him to leave, and that was about it."
Nick roughly wiped his tearing eyes. Dr. Sadler nodded and jotted a quick note on her clipboard.
"You sound as if you think you should've known that Tad was up to no good. How could you have known that he wasn't just trying to be helpful when you agreed to go with him?" the therapist asked.
Nick rolled his eyes. He was frustrated, though not with the doctor. "Well, for one he was giving me that damn look."
"What look?"
The young man seemed uncomfortable again. "That...stare that seems like it's trying to see past my clothes. It's this look that makes me feel like I'm on display, even when not on stage...it's so...hungry. Like I'm a thing instead of a person.
"I mean, girls and fans give me that look all the time, even guys, but I try not to let it get to me. Even Brian has something similar in his eyes sometimes when we're together, a kind of fire, but while I don't understand it I can deal with it. I smile and deal with it. But with some people, like that asshole Tad, it's Lou all over again. Like nothing's changed even though I don't have to put up with him anymore. Not while I'm awake, anyway."
The tear-stained face turned away to stare out the window. The cheerful, landscaped enclosure just outside was meant as a relaxing place for employees and patients, but it was empty just then. Nick's thoughts wandered beyond the grounds of this familiar, healing place, and he mused sadly that out there were normal people. Whatever normal was, if the word could even be defined, he would never be it.
"Nick?" the psychiatrist asked gently.
The singer turned his eyes back to her. "Sorry, Doc."
Dr. Sadler leaned over to pat his hand. "It's okay, dear. No need to apologize for thinking. It's reassuring to know that young people are still doing it. Thinking, I mean."
As hoped for, Nick smiled to smother a giggle.
"Nick, what you're describing is a natural reaction to sexual trauma. A fear of attraction, of intimacy, of anyone who looks at you with interest, because that's how it started with Lou. Fear of yourself, even, because part of you still thinks some of it is your fault, doesn't it?"
The young blond bit his lower lip nervously. "Doc, most of the time it's clear that it was never my fault. But Lou used to say..."
The boy was choked up. The crystal-blue eyes squeezed shut as he tried to steady himself. A warm hand covered one of his, and Nick found the strength to continue.
"He'd say...'A kid who looks like you should expect people to want more from you. And with the way you dance onstage, do you really expect not to turn anyone on?' He said it was my fault, that I liked it, that what he did kept us both from being lonely."
Doctor and patient looked at eachother helplessly. Nick continued, old confusion surfacing in his eyes.
"I was just shy, Doc. I didn't even know what loneliness felt like until the first time he touched me in a way that set off alarm bells in my head. I never bought his excuses, but his threats I believed. I was too scared not too."
"And with Tad?"
"The whole time he had me against that wall, I couldn't stop thinking that it was like deja vu. I mean, except that Lou was never that rough with me." Nick laughed mirthlessly, a terribly hollow sound. "Sometimes he didn't need me to fake illness, sometimes I really was sick when he...baby-sat me. I think I actually would've preferred Lou being violent instead of the way he was - one second acting like a concerned parent, the next shoving his hands down my pants. I mean, I was confused enough. Not knowing how he was gonna be at any given moment made it worse. Am I making sense, Doc?"
"Absolutely," the doctor assured him, lifting her eyes from her notes. "The unpredictable nature of Lou's behavior added more instability to an already-unstable and unhealthy relationship. And it's not unusual for similar encounters, like yours with Tad, to induce flashbacks. The panic, especially, works like a trigger."
Nick suddenly looked miserable. "Doc?" he asked. "I'm not gonna always feel like this, am I? Like everything is worth nothing?"
Dr. Sadler felt her heart ache for the unhappy boy. "No, Nick. What happened to you cannot be undone, but you won't always feel this way. Time will pass, you will heal, and one day you'll wake up and the world will be beautiful again."
"Really?"
"Yes. But for that to happen, you need to take happiness where it's offered to you. Take a chance."
Nick nodded slowly. "Brian, you mean."
"Only you can make that decision, dear. But during our first session, do you remember how you found a way to mention Brian, no matter what I asked you?"
Nick blushed a little. "Yeah."
"I thought to myself there just might be something between you, something more than friendship. Was I wrong?"
Nick grinned. "Uh-uh. You know, Doc, I think I'm ready now. Really ready. I'll talk to Frick as soon as I can get him alone."
Noticing his time was nearly up, the young man stood, and hugged the psychiatrist as she rose. "Thanks, Doc. You always make me feel better. You always point me to the answers I need."
She smiled warmly as she walked him to the door. "They were inside you all along, Nick." ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nick was surprised to see that his bodyguard Tom was in the reception room of the offices, as he usually stayed outside. As Nick was about to ask what was up, he noticed Dr. Gorman watering one of the plants that decorated the room.
"Hey Doc! How's it going?"
The man smiled. "Nick! Good to see you again. Desiree isn't giving you any trouble, is she? Lovely woman, but terribly stubborn."
The blond laughed. "No, she's great. I just wanted -"
The huge black bodyguard took Nick's arm. "I'm sorry to interrupt, Doctor, but I really gotta get him outta here."
"I understand. Say hello to Brian for me, Nick."
"I will! Later, Doc!" Nick called as he was virtually dragged outside.
Squinting at the brightness of the sunny day, he scowled at Tom.
"What's goin' on?" he asked as they reached Nick's car.
"New precautions. We're gonna go get Brian so you two can visit your 'Nsync buddies, then I'm taking you home to pack."
"Little early to pack for the tour, isn't it? We have shows here first. As in, tonight."
"This ain't about the tour." Tom stopped the boy as he headed for the driver's seat. "Uh-uh. Back seat."
Nick smirked. "It's Backstreet, actually. And why?"
"Kiddo, I don't know much more than I've told you. But that's orders, so you get in the back, crouch down and pull the blanket over you. I'm driving. Gimme the keys."
The singer groaned, but did as he was told. As Tom headed for Brian's house Nick poked his head out from under the blanket.
"Okay, so will you tell me what you do know?"
"Something's up. Something big, I'm guessing. These new orders came from the Big C himself."
"From Clive?" Nick asked, referring to the head of Zomba, the parent company of Jive Records. Clive Calder was a good friend of the Backstreet Boys and a friendly, laid-back guy - a nice contrast to the nameless suits that the group had often worked with.
"Yep. Great guy, but I think he's getting paranoid."
"So what are the orders?" Nick asked impatiently.
"For one, no chances are to be taken getting you to Kev, Brian and Howie's house. Carlos is getting A.J. now. Apparently Jive wants you all to stay there for awhile. I'm guessing we'll be told what's going on once we're all there."
Nick let out a deep breath. "So if we're supposed to be so careful, how come Bri and I are still allowed to go see Justin and J.C.?"
Tom stopped the car to look intently at his young charge, emphasizing his words as he spoke. "You're not. I got what I know from Marcus. Marcus very sadly was not properly informed that this little outing was cancelled. But you're on your way, and ain't nothing gonna happen, 'cause me and Marcus'll be there. Oops, a problem in communication, thank God there were no problems, we'll never let it happen again. Understand?"
Nick leaned in between the front seats to awkwardly hug his bodyguard. "Thank you, Tom."
Tom shrugged as he began to drive again. "I knew you'd be upset if you weren't allowed to go. God knows anyone who's been through so much shit doesn't need more disappointments. 'Specially a good kid like you. Now get your white ass back under that blanket."
Nick remained hidden until they reached their destination. The moment Marcus and Brian got into the car, Tom sped off. Brian, in the back with Nick, squeezed his hand reassuringly, smiling bravely though he clearly also didn't know what was going on.
Marcus nodded to Tom. "So far, so good. Ron and John weren't told that this visit was forbidden, so no prob there," he said, referring to Howie and Kevin's bodyguards. "I'm not absolutely sure about Carlos, but just in case I had A.J. create a diversion."
Tom groaned. "Should I not ask?"
"Probably not. But Carlos is a good climber, so he shouldn't have too much trouble getting A.J. down from the roof."
Brian and Nick pulled the blanket over their heads to muffle their giggles. A.J.'s bodyguard, in their opinion, had the hardest job.
"Shut up back there, Backseat Boys. Nicky give you any trouble, Tom?"
"Not too much. When's Jeff gonna show up?"
Marcus checked his watch. "We've got two hours to get these two gigglers there and back to the fort, General."
"Let's hope we can pull this off." ------------------------------------------------------------------------
J.C. opened the door, seeming both happy and surprised. "Bri, Nick! Oh, cool, I thought with what's going on you wouldn't be able to come."
Brian spoke curiously as they were let in. "You guys are being quarrantined too?"
"Yep. Why, we haven't been told. I over heard Johnny talking to Clive and apparently this lockdown of sorts is about you guys."
"Us? How?"
"Don't know. Randy, Todd and Mike took Lance, Chris and Joey to pack some stuff - they're gonna be staying here for awhile. Where they shutting you guys up, Bri, your place?"
"Yeah. We're actually not supposed to be here, but you don't know that, 'kay?"
J.C. nodded. "My lips are sealed. Great timing, by the way. Justin just finished his homework."
As if on cue, 'Nsync's youngest member strolled in. After he greeted and hugged Brian and Nick, J.C. gestured to the older Backstreet Boy.
"Bri, you and I can go talk in the family room, and we can let the blondies chill in here."
With a reassuring glance from Nick, Brian followed J.C. The babies of the two renowned pop groups sat in the living room facing eachother, smiling shyly.
"This emergency situation-thingy is pretty bizarre, huh?" Nick asked to break the ice.
"Very. Lonnie's trying to turn the house into some sort of impenetrable base or something - I opened a window just before you guys got here and he freaked. But that's Lonnie. If Josh isn't with me, he is. They're even more protective now than they were before..."
"Before you were kidnapped," Nick finished softly. "Are you okay?"
Justin shrugged and answered honestly. "Sometimes I think so, most of the time. And then I remember...and sometimes the memory is so clear it's like it's happening all over again."
"And the emotion of that time comes with it. The fear, the disgust, the wanting to be somewhere else, anywhere but there. I know the feeling. I get it too."
Justin looked at him sympathetically. "Are you okay?"
"Getting there, I suppose. Least that's what they keep telling me," Nick answered.
"Me too. You think they're right about us?"
"I hope so, Justin." ------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Sometimes it seems like hoping isn't enough, like there should be more I can do."
Brian patted his friend's shoulder. "You are. You're loving him, you're there to hold him up when he starts to fall and tell him that it's gonna be okay."
J.C. smiled a little. "Sometimes I can't believe how much he's grown. Once in a while when I look at him I still see that scrawny little twelve-year-old I first saw across a crowded room."
Brian nodded. "I was a little skeptical about Nick at first. I was so hyped about maybe joining this new singing group, and then I find out there's this kid barely thirteen in it. He was so small, I thought his voice and his spirit would be too. Kevin said, 'Bri, trust me on this one.'
I'm so glad I did."
J.C. laughed suddenly. "Justin said something about Nick almost having been a Mouseketeer."
"Yeah, he was offered a spot, but it was that or the group. He picked us. Good thing too - you might've gotten stuck with both of them," Brian joked.
"Bri...I'm sorry."
"What? Why?"
"Months ago when you and I sat on that beach, saying how having Just and Nick as our best friends was enough, I never thought it would turn out like this. I got my wish, you didn't. That sucks," J.C. said bluntly.
"Yes, it does. But I'm so happy for you, man." ------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Wow! I'm so happy for you! Wait...does Brian know how you feel?" Justin asked.
"Not yet. I keep wanting to tell him, but I'm scared." Nick paused. "How did you tell J.C.?"
"My feelings about Josh had been changing. For at least a year before, I'd found myself thinking how hot he is or what it would be like to kiss him. But I always dismissed these daydreams and tried to forget them, because I was afraid they wouldn't last and I didn't wanna hurt Josh. And then I couldn't do that anymore. I was, and am and always will be, attracted to Josh. It surprised me when it hit me, as though it were something I'd never considered before. Just BAM!, like a ton of bricks.
"Anyways, I woke up screaming after a nightmare, and Josh was holding me to calm me down. I told him how I feel, and he kissed me." Justin smiled at the memory.
"So you didn't feel any hesitation about it?"
"Oh, sure. But I looked into his eyes and it all melted away. I think that's how you know you've found the one for you. They give you this look that tells you you're not alone anymore, and you never will be." ----------------------------------------------------------------------
"Nick told me that one of the worst effects of what Lou did to him was this terrible loneliness. A feeling of being separate from everything."
"You know, that's strange. Justin said something similar - that going into that withdrawl wasn't hard because he already felt apart from everything. I guess that's what happens when you no longer have choice, and you're treated like an object." J.C. frowned sadly.
"I've often wondered how Nick deals with people's reactions to him, especially considering what that fuckhead Lou put him through. Guys and girls gawk at him like a piece of meat."
"And don't seem to care how uncomfortable it makes him? Yeah. People will stand there and talk about Justin even when he's right there. I've lost count of the times I've had to use the death-glare or take them aside and tell 'em to keep their distance. And in Europe it was the worst."
"Oh, God, definitely," Brian agreed. "We all loved it over there, but in some places Nick wasn't allowed to be alone even for a minute."
"Yeah, try having to deal with Justin and Lance! I kept thinking, 'Now I know how the bodyguards feel.'"
"Our little blonds have to deal with that stuff so much more than the rest of us," said Brian. "And they're such sweet, special kids. So why? Why do they get the worst ot it? Why them?"
"Why do some people like to trample flowers as they walk across the grass?" J.C. mused. "Because they're beautiful, fragile, and their existence brightens the world around them." -----------------------------------------------------------------------
"Sometimes the world seems dimmer than it used to. Like even the colors have lost some of their brightness."
"Maybe you're transferring the emptiness you feel into the world outside." Justin smiled. "I'm starting to sound like Dr. Gorman."
Nick laughed. "How do you like him? Cool, isn't he?"
"Yeah, he's great. Even though he put me on Prozac."
"Really? Is it helping?"
"It's weird, but I think so. I feel kinda more in control now. My mood swings aren't so bad."
The older blond nodded. "Dr. Sadler says part of the poblem is that we have so much unresolved, unfocused anger and sadness. Fortunately she said music is a good way to channel it."
Justin giggled. "Maybe we should give that music thing a try, then. Who knows, could be fun."
Nick couldn't help but laugh. "Kev's actually teaching me to play the piano. He's right, it is kinda healing."
"Are you and Kevin close?"
"Yeah, he's our Big Daddy." ----------------------------------------------------------
"Oh my God. You actually thought...I mean, Kevin and Nick?" J.C. asked incredulously.
Brian looked sheepish. "I know. I don't think I was in a very healthy state of mind."
"It's cool, man, it happens. One time I was in this really bad mood and had it out with Joey 'cause he was playing around with Justin. Looking back I feel like a moron, especially now that I know he wanted Lance, but he was joking and patting Justin's butt and stuff like that. Totally innocent, but I almost really lost it. My fists clench up whenever anyone touches my angel like that."
The older singer smiled. "How'd Joey react?"
"He laughed at me and said if I didn't stop accusing him of wanting his little brother he'd put my underwear on e-Bay."
Brian cracked up. "Kev was pretty disturbed at the thought of him and Nick being together. I guess I'm over protective. Maybe jealous."
J.C. was quiet for a moment. "Chris once asked me how I would deal with it when Justin fell in love."
"What did you tell him?"
"The truth. That it would break something inside of me I once thought indestructable. But I'd survive. Justin's happiness is mine. His life...is mine."
Brian looked away, to hide the tears he could no longer hold back. ------------------------------------------------------------
"Tell him, Nick. Stop putting it off and just tell him. C'mon, don't you want a chance to be as happy as me and Josh?"
Nick smiled wistfully. "I wonder what it would be like, being with Brian. Being with someone I could fall in love with. I think I am falling in love."
A hand rested on top of Nick's, and eyes as blue as his own looked at him encouragingly. "It's incredible. Really, it is. Love is healing, believe me. Having it and doing it."
The older boy nodded slowly. Just then Brian and J.C. walked in, and Justin and Nick stood.
"Sorry, guys, but Frack and I gotta go. If we don't get back home beofre Jeff does we'll be in big trouble."
Nick nodded, and pulled Justin into a hug. "Thanks, Just," he murmured. "I'll give it a try."
"Good. You won't be sorry."
Brian and J.C. had said their goodbyes, and now J.C. motioned to Nick. "Come here."
The youngest Backstreet Boy approached J.C., smiling shyly. He jerked with surprise as J.C. gently, fighting tears, gently embraced him.
"Thank you, Nick, for all you did for my Justin. I can never repay that," he whispered, "but I'll tell you this much - whoever's worthy of you, finally, is a damn lucky guy. If I can ever do anything for you, I will. So keep in touch, and take care of yourself, okay?"
"Okay. you and Justin take care of eachother."
"We always have," Justin said with a smile.
J.C. nodded as he released Nick. As the two Backstreet Boys were escorted away by their bodyguards, J.C. stood behind Justin, his arms wrapped around the teenager's waist and his chin resting on his shoulder.
"Are you thinking the same thing I am, angel?"
"Yeah. If Nick can admit how he feels, those two just might be happy for the rest of their lives." ---------------------------------------------------------------------
Luckily, Brian and Nick were back at Brian's house in time. They waited, along with the other Backstreet Boys and the bodyguards, for Jeff to show up and explain the sudden need for such security precautions.
Shortly after, Jeff came into the large living room where they were waiting. At his request the bodyguards came from their various stations around the house to join them.
A.J. frowned at how frazzled Jeff seemed, and glanced at the two men in dark suits who'd come in with him. "Whatever it is, I swear I didn't do it."
The manager didn't laugh. "I doubt it's what you're thinking. These two gentlemen are with the FBI...apparently the situation is serious enough to warrant their presence. Agents Lewis and Krause, these five young men are the Backstreet Boys. The one wearing sunglasses is A.J. McLean, that's Howie Dorough, the one standing is Kevin Richardson, there's Brian Littrell, and the blond is Nick Carter."
"We know their names," Agent Lewis said smoothly. "Pleased to meet you all."
"What's this about?" Kevin asked, a little impatiently.
"You'd better all sit down," Jeff began. "Okay. Ever since the media first got word of Justin Timberlake's kidnapping, Jive has been swamped with similar threats concerning a lot of clients, especially you. As usual, most of the threats can be dismissed as not serious. However, it seems that one recently received is."
"What?!" cried Brian. "How do they know it's not a prank, like these things usually are?"
"A good question." Jeff sighed. "And one I asked them myself. But I know very little, as I'm on a need-to-know basis here. Apparently some candid photos as well as unreleased pieces of information concerning both your schedule and security procedures were mailed to Jive headquarters, with a kidnapping threat. I haven't seen the pictures or the info, but they must be good - Clive's about to have a nervous breakdown. He's not exactly humanity's answer to Valium anymore."
"So this threat is for all of us?" Howie inquired, a slight twinge of fear in his voice.
"No," Agent Krause responded, looking directly at Nick. "Just for this one."
Nick closed his eyes. //Yeah,// he thought bitterly. //I just love being the most popular Backstreet Boy.//
The other four Boys moved closer to Nick, and Brian sat down next to him. "So, what are you doing about it?"
"To be safe, you four will remain here, with your bodyguards, until the perpetrators are apprehended. Mr. Carter will come with us and remain under federal protection. It's standard procedure in these situations."
"I don't care what it is," Kevin said coldly. "He's not going anywhere without us." Brian grabbed Nick's hand.
"Moving more than one person would attract too much attention. It would not be prudent to do so, Mr. Richardson. And it's in your best interests not to argue with us."
Agent Lewis firmly took Nick's arm and pulled him to his feet. Several shouts rose from around the room, and the agent was suddenyl faced with a huge, enraged man gripping his wrist.
"Government agent or not," Tom hissed, "you lay one finger on that boy again and I'm gonna snap you like a fuckin' twig."
"I am doing my job, sir."
"And I'm doing mine. If the kid wants to stay here, he stays here. We can protect these boys, believe me. So you go do your thing, and we'll do ours."
Agent Lewis looked at the manager with annoyance. Jeff glanced at Nick, who was surrounded protectively by his group-mates, and back to the agents.
""I don't think there's any harm in letting them all stay here. This address is not public knowledge, and anyway there are enough people here who'd leap in front of a bullet for our Nicky," Jeff said with a smile. "And by the way, you're better off not grabbing him like that. Group baby, you know. We tend to be a little protective. I see you grab him again, or any of the others, and I'll be on the phone with your superiors. Now, I believe you gentlemen are done here for now?"
The agents nodded grudgingly. and left without another word.
"Go Jeff!" A.J. whooped. "You tell 'em, man!"
Jeff smiled calmly. "Thank you, A.J. Now, maybe it will help if you boys think of this as a sort of vacation."
"A vacation during which we're confined to a house?" asked Howie.
"Um...yes. Well, look at it this way - at least none of you are claustrophobic! That's good, right?"
He was answered with five simultaneous groans. Jeff sighed.
"Well, I'm sure you can amuse yourselves just fine. I'll be here as much as I can, running back and forth between here and Jive, and I'll tell you anything I find out. Meanwhile, please listen to your security, and those FBI goons."
Nick looked miserably at Brian, who put an arm around him. Kevin patted the blond hair comfortingly, worry evident on his face.
A.J. attempted to lighten the atmosphere. "Ah, the old do-as-you're-told thing. Just like the good ol' TransCon days, huh guys?"
Not surprisingly, no one laughed.
~to be continued~
Questions and comments welcome to me, DaraLynn, at DaraLynn_writings@hotmail.com