And the ayes have it! Okay, by popular demand, "No Painless Way" will continue to be posted here, if all goes well. Thanks go to Aphrodite, Lissa, Jim, Neena and Joanne for their kind words and encouragement, and also to the many who wrote to encourage me to continue with this story. I love you guys. Much appreciation also to David and Nifty for graciously archiving this story and all the many others I enjoy. Legal stuff - None of this is real and it implies nothing. Members of 'Nsync may be gay, which is kewl, or they're not, which is kewl. Same deal with BSB. I love 'em anyway.
Plugs - "A Tale of Two Boybands", "Nsync: Lance n JC", "Superman Can't Fly", "Tears In your Eyes", "Remembering Petticoat Lane", "Justin's Dark Angel", "Justin's Real World", "A Love Like This", "A Little Bit of Love", "Finding A Belief", "By My Side", "Hey Mickey" and I better stop now...
This story in its entirety is dedicated to my friend Aphrodite for much-appreciated friendship, incredible understanding, and her sharing her little blond angel with me. :)
Okay, on with the story...
~ANY PATH PART TWO : NO PAINLESS WAY~
~Chapter Two~
"...At the moment two souls merge, All the universe holds its breath in wonder." - Rebecca Worrell
Justin, it seemed, flew straight from the plane into his mother's arms.
"Mom!"
Lynn Harless held her son tightly. "My baby. I missed you so much...have you grown again?!"
Justin nodded proudly. "Soon I'll be taller than Josh!"
"Over my dead body!"
Lynn greeted J.C., Lance, Chris and Joey warmly, and they each hugged the woman who had given 'Nsync their name. After collecting the luggage, they made their way outside inconspicuously.
Justin laughed. "Mom, what's with the limo? We spend enough time in these things!"
"Hey, between you guys and your luggage, this is the only vehicle that could fit us all!"
Justin spent most of the ride staring excitedly out the tinted windows.
Orlando. Where everything was warm and familiar.
//Man, I missed this place.//
Justin was a little disappointed that his step-father and brother were away, but knew he'd get to see them during phase two of their vacation, after the other guys split up and left to see their own families.
//I wonder if Jonathan remembers what I look like?//
The thought was only half a jest. Still, Justin reminded himself, the kid had always been very patient with his big brother's absences, especially considering his age, which was five. The youngest 'Nsyncer often wished he could spend more time with his little sibling.
//At least I can see him next week. I owe him about fifty games of Candyland.//
Justin only half-listened as J.C. talked to Lynn about how the move to Jive was going, and shifted uncomfortably in his seat. It terrified him, the threat he'd been under from Lou Pearlman, the knowledge that any time he could've been put on the receiving end of Lou's disgusting attentions.
//God, poor Nick. And he kept quiet for my sake...//
A wave of guilt washed through Justin, and he tried to push it away. J.C. had told him countless times that it wasn't his fault, that he shouldn't feel bad, that they should simply be grateful to Nick, 'cause that's all they could do. Josh had grown emotional at this statement, and said, "God knows I am. If anything ever happened to you..."
J.C. said that phrase often, but never finished it, as though such a situation was too horrible for him to contemplate. Justin caught J.C.'s eye, and they exchanged smiles.
//Works both ways, Josh, believe me.//
The boy stopped listening completely as his mother went over the room assignments, as he knew already what they were to be. Chris, Lance and Joey would each be in a guest room, and J.C. would be in Justin's room. Justin had twin beds, one of which was permanently J.C.'s - Josh spent more time at Justin's house than at his own. Always had.
When they finally reached the Harless residence, Justin excused himself for a moment and went to his bedroom, wanting to look it alone, as he always did first thing on a break. His gaze, as he looked upon the familiar walls, was almost reverent.
Justin's eyes moved around slowly, resting on the freshly-made beds, the framed pictures, the Michael Jordan poster, the autographed photo of Janet Jackson. The VCR with "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" inside it it; the "WWJD?" bracelets; his Mickey Mouse Club jacket, too small to fit him now. A thousand simple objects that, collectively, made up his life. A life that had begun long before the microphone first touched his hand.
Justin walked slowly to the large case that held his cds and, almost hesitantly, put his hand on the cool surface. 'Nsync's album was there, placed alphabetically like the others, as casually as if it's owner wasn't on the cover.
//God that is so weird...//
Justin slumped down on his bed. He could almost see his younger self, like a ghost, tacking up the poster, playing the music, wearing the jacket. And J.C. was there too, in the room where they had practiced their lines, where they had laughed maniacally over the dumbest things. Where they had exchanged thousands of words - "Shut up!", "Very funny", "What does 'crunk' mean anyway?", "Do you think we'll ever be famous someday?", "What do you dream about?"...and "I love you". Where J.C. had blurted out his shameful secret, and Justin had nearly cried at the apologetic tone of his friend's voice.
"Josh, it's okay. I can deal with it."
"Justin, I don't want this to change anything."
"It won't, I promise."
And it hadn't, not really. Justin had never doubted J.C.'s love for him, any more than he could have questioned his mother's, and he resolved to simply love his best friend back with all the strength of his innocent heart. And so Josh remained both his protective shadow and his partner in crime. The laughter, the jokes, the food-fights and the bond between them continued. Nothing changed, except that J.C. would sometimes look at him with a wistful expression, mourning for the subtle cruelty Fate had mixed into his life. Justin seldom caught these carefully-guarded slips, but when he did he felt a sudden rage, never at J.C. but rather at himself, and God. A despair, like he felt now, as he lay motionless on the still-warm blankets.
//God, why didn't you make me gay? Why does Josh have to suffer like this, why do I? Why can't I just love him like he loves me? Why can't I give him that?// The boy tormented himself with a thousand words of this sort, and still, no answer came.
//If I were gay, it would be better. Josh is the best guy in the world - I know I'd be happy with him. Plus he is kinda hot-//
Justin shot up to a sitting position. //Okay, where did that come from? Friends don't think that about friends.//
Another voice, the same as Justin's own, rose up to answer. //This isn't the first time you've thought that. And anyway, Josh thinks that about you.//
//Yeah, but he's gay.//
//Maybe you are too. Ever think of that?//
Justin blinked with surprise. He'd been attracted to girls, sort of, but never as much as other guys seemed to be. He remembered how J.C. had used to date girls, and even seem into them, but always his eyes had returned to Justin. They were beautiful eyes, even when they were sad...
//Holy shit...am I falling for my best friend?// ------------------------------------------------------------------------
J.C. sat at the table in the spacious Harless kitchen and stared pensively into his coffee cup. After the large welcome-home, Mexican-style dinner, Lynn, Chris, Joey and Lance had all gone out to get ice cream and horror movies. J.C. had stayed behind to do some thinking (and digesting) and Justin had gone outside, saying that he needed air.
//Like I need him. Well, maybe right now he needs me too.//
Leaving the lukewarm coffee behind, J.C. headed out the back door to the small basketball court. Surprisingly, Justin was not showing off his considerable skills or attempting to dunk - instead, he was sitting gloomily on the pavement, slowly rolling the ball between his hands. As he looked up, his face brightened a little.
"Hey, Josh." He held the ball still on the ground in front of him.
"Hey Curly. You okay?"
"Uh-huh."
J.C. plopped down in front of his friend, and placed his hands gently over Justin's. "What is it, Just?"
Justin chewed his bottom lip, which he often did when he was upset or nervous. "I'm so confused."
J.C. smiled sympathetically. "About what?"
"Everything. Nothing. I-I'm not sure. It's like, I'm scared, but I don't know why, or of what. I love times like this - being home, and still having you guys around. But I keep thinking that all this is only the calm before the storm. It doesn't make sense."
The two friends locked eyes, and gazed at each other in silence. Neither knew what to say, yet nothing needed to be said. Overwhelmed by the weight of the forbidding feeling gnawing at him, Justin closed his eyes. After a few seconds, he felt J.C.'s hands tightening around his. He looked, and saw that the older boy's expression had grown as dark and sad as his own.
Before he could berate himself for this change, Justin felt J.C.'s hands gently cup his face. A faint smile crossed J.C.'s mouth, and it grew as the hands slowly caressed the blond boy's skin. As Justin looked into his friend's eyes, he saw unconditional love and unspoken understanding glowing within them. In spite of himself, he began to smile too. J.C. sighed softly, and pulled the boy into a hug.
"It's okay, kiddo. We all feel like that sometimes."
Justin snuggled closer. "Josh, how do you do that?"
"What?"
Justin pulled back. "When I feel so hurt that I start to sink, you bring me back. It's like you go down to where I am, so I don't have to come out alone."
J.C. mussed the blond's short curls. "Hey, as far as I'm concerned, with me around you don't have to do anything alone. I'll even go to the bathroom with ya."
Justin giggled. "Who do you think you are - Kevin?"
"Ah, which reminds me - I talk to Brian before dinner."
"Yeah? How's he enjoying the out-of-the-closet life? And the rest of the Backdoor...oops, I mean, Backstreet Boys?"
J.C. wore his usual doofy grin. "Brian's good. They're all good. Nick's getting better, he says. He's still seeing the shrink, but he's allowed to go to the bathroom without Kevin now. And Brian's getting a lot more air now that he's out of that stuffy closet."
Justin shook his head. "Josh...how did you know you were gay? How do you know something like that?"
J.C. took a deep breath. "Well, it's different for everyone. I guess you know when you're not attracted to girls, when your sexual fantasies are male, or maybe when a little voice inside you won't leave you alone about it."
//Yeah, I think I've met that voice. Nosy bastard.//
"How did you know?"
J.C. didn't answer.
"Josh?"
He met Justin's eyes, and sighed resignedly. "I knew the moment I first saw you."
//So you saw the truth of yourself in me. Then tell me, what do I see when I look at you? I see arms that have rocked me to sleep, hands that have brushed away my tears, the face that's watched me through my every defeat and triumph for the past six years. But it's more, and that's what frightens me. I'm scared of myself, of what I feel, of what could occur if I let this happen. Oh, Josh, I promised you nothing would change...so why do I feel like nothing's ever gonna be the same again?//
He smiled weakly at J.C., trying to fake the relief he didn't feel. "I heard a car. I think they're back."
Sure enough, Chris strolled up to the court, waving cheerfully. "C'mon guys! I know you're busy doin' your Vulcan mind-melds or swapping stories from the Disney days or whatever, but we got 'The Exorcist', 'The House On Haunted Hill', 'Halloween' and 'The Shining'. We're gonna see if we can't make little Lancey-poo wet his pants. Plus, we stocked up on Death By Chocolate, Mint Chocolate Chip and Cookie Dough ice cream. I plan to put on at leats twenty pounds, just to spite Darren."
"You're an example to us all, Chris," said Justin, as J.C. helped him up.
"Hey, no sweat. All I ask in return is that when you two get married, I get to be the Maid of Honor."
J.C. smirked, and shoved Chris toward the door. Neither turned back to notice the thoughtful look in Justin's troubled eyes. ------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was dark, dark like the inside of something hollow, like a place that isn't meant to be seen. Justin stared fearfully into the void around him, afraid to stay still, afraid to move. It seemed to him that hushed whispers echoed in the emptiness, and strange hands grabbed at him from all directions. He tried to pull away, but the fingers clutched at him harder. A low chuckling was heard and-
Justin woke up, screaming a name as naturally as a young child cries for his mommy. "JOSH!!!!"
It seemed hardly an instant beofre J.C. was awake, out of bed and pulling Justin into his arms. "Sssh, it's okay baby, it was just a bad dream..."
"Don't let them touch me," the boy whimpered softly.
J.C. rocked him gently. "Them? Them who?"
"The hands...they keep grabbing me..."
//Damn, this is probably about that shithead Lou. Justin's fear was bound to come out in some way.//
"It's okay, baby, you're with me. You're safe."
Justin clung tighter to him, and J.C. couldn't help but smile at the feel of his angel in his arms. After several minutes, the boy stopped trembling, and his breathing relaxed.
"Are you okay, Curly?"
Justin pulled back a little, so he could see J.C.'s face. "I don't know how I feel, Josh. About...about you, I mean."
"We're best friends, Just. We have that love between us. It's enough for me." //Liar.//
"Josh...the thing is...I'm not sure if it's enough for me."
Time froze, and the silence was enough to hear every clock stop. J.C. gazed at Justin intently, half in hope and half in disbelief, as the blue orbs he looked into stared back.
"Justin...what are you saying?"
"Josh, I think...what you feel for me, I'm feeling back."
The answering voice nearly broke with emotion. "Justin, are you sure? I know you're upset and shaken up right now, you may not mean what you're saying..."
"I mean that I'm feeling something between us I don't really understand, but I want to. I want to, but I don't know how."
J.C. searched the boy's eyes, as though looking for permission, for assurance that this was okay. He must've found what he was looking for.
Justin smiled, and closed his eyes. J.C. put one hand gently under his best friend's chin, lifting his face, and slid the other arm loosely around him. Then he leaned in, and their lips met. All doubt melted away as the same thought rang in both heads.
//This is right...I'm home...I'm whole...//
The kiss was hesitant at first, neither one forcing, neither one yielding, just an intimate touch. After a few moments, Justin opened his mouth in invitation, and J.C. slowly slid his tongue inside. He probed carefully, tasting the sweetness of the younger boy's mouth. The feel of Justin in his arms was almost maddening, and J.C. had to fight to keep from pushing further.
//Control yourself! We have to take this slow!//
Justin pulled back and smiled shyly. J.C. looked at him, both thrilled and dumbfounded by what had happened.
"Was-was that okay, Just?"
"More than okay. It was...right."
J.C. stroked the silky curls. "Justin...are you really feeling this for me?"
The boy's eyes glowed, burning like twin fires. "It's...it's so amazing. Is this love? I never thought it would feel like this."
Josh chuckled. "Well, you changed my world with just one kiss."
"Did I really? Josh, I want this, I want to be with you more than anything, I know that now, but I'm scared..."
J.C. wrapped his arms around his angel and held him close. "It's all right, baby. We'll talk about it tomorrow, okay?"
Justin smiled, wiping away a few tears. "Okay."
He laid his head back down on the pillows and blinked sleepily. J.C. kissed him again, and clasped the smaller hands in his own. As Justin drifted back to sleep, Josh sang softly, in joy, in praise, in gratitude for dreams come true.
"'How can it be that right here with me
There's an angel
It's a miracle...'" ------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the dim light of a nondescript hotel room, the man with the dark glasses answered his cell phone, privately dreading the voice on the other line.
"Hello?"
"It's not done." The voice was maddeningly calm.
"Not yet. You understand, the boy is never alone-"
"I understand that you are feeling some doubts about this assignment, Korman. I do not like that."
"No sir!" the observer stammered. "I accepted this job, and I will do it."
The caller's tone remained smooth and unchanged. "Your partners are standing by to proceed - they are waiting for you to set the plan in motion.
You remember all the details?"
"Yes, sir." And a good thing too; his boss was not the sort of person it was safe to contradict.
"Good. You will acquire the boy tomorrow. Whatever you have to do, understand?"
"Yes, sir."
The caller hung up without another word. The observer dropped his phone, letting it hit the floor with a dull thud. He rested his head in his hands, a man lost in that secret place where despair feeds on hope. For a moment only, he allowed himself to feel.
//That poor child...//
~to be continued~ Lyrics from "God Must Have Spent..." - not mine. Comments welcome at DaraLynn_writings@hotmail.com.