I've ever seen he was a God to me. I've had a crush on him since freshman year. He was one of the few guys that actually felt comfortable talking to.
"my bad just came from gym"
"couldn't you do that shit in the locker room or something damn"
"could but I'm late to meet D, shit I gotta go"
"tell D I sad `sup"
I ran from the locker rooms to the library which was pretty far our school is pretty big. I got to or usual spot but she wasn't there weird, she's always here before I am. I looked to the left and to the right then slid to the ground with my back up against the cold brick wall I closed my eyes. And I saw him Derrick I love his eyes what they say to me how can I get to him make him open up.
"Vincent wake up"
"what I wasn't sleep"
I got up and stretched. God she looks so much like him. I cant think about him anymore he's never gonna stop fighting me.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ------------ Me and D walked around school stopping at our lockers and going to the vending machines before going to we went to our 6th period. we stopped by the bathrooms cuz i had to piss somethin crucial. i usually don't use school bathrooms but when you gotta go you gotta go.
i walked in there and damn was it nasty, it smelt like piss and had paper balls everywhere even on the ceiling
"what the fuck do our janitors do, this shit is nasty"
"jus use it" she yelled in the door she knows I hate public bathrooms.
"but its nasty"
"hehehe you are such a girl"
"shut up, its jus so nasty"
"then hold it"
"OK OK ill go, this is nasty"
I went over to the smallest stall, and unzipped my pants releasing my member from its confines and let loose. I must've been in there for a while cuz I heard D loud ghetto ass "damn nigga hurry up." I zipped up my pants washed my hands( no soap ghetto ass school) and walked out.
Then I saw Chris. Damn a scrub if you ever seen one. D gave me a look that said like lets go. So me and her took off at first a walking fast and then a full out sprint after turning the corner. we ran all the way to our 6th. we had to go through the cafeteria again just to get to art.
when we got to the door I dropped my backpack my shoulders were hurting from running all the way here with that heavy ass backpack.
"Why we runin from him" i asked laughing while rubbing my shoulders. she looked at me and started laughing too.
"dat nigga looked like he was about to rape somebody and shiiiiiiit it wasn't gone be me" at that me and her was laughing or asses off leaning on each other for support. then at the worst moment possible this really hot guy walked by he was light skin he looked mix i couldn't see much from the distance plus his over sized clothes but he still looked hot ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ----------- As he got closer i could make more of him out he had this don't fuck with me look. His hair was black and wavy it was short. and his eyes they were heaven they were green sooo cute he looked like a hot little elf. God he was sooooooo fine.
He got closer and our eyes locked whoaa it was like time slowed down and I felt like I was on the tower of terror or something, And it was only me and him I completely forgot about D, I looked in his eyes and his roughness disappeared I wonder is he like me.
The Art room door closed and i heard D still laughing i turned back around but he was gone only to be replaced by someone else......Derrick.
him all of all people at this moment of all times. he was staring at me hard. i tried to ignore him but its like he wanted me to see him to acknowledge his prescience so i did he looked pissed.
"what the fuck u looking" I looked in his eyes and saw why he was pissed. I saw everything what was that all about, who was that.
"oh faggot u like him"
I couldn't say anything. Why and how did he have this much power over me. he could make me smile or he could make me feel like this. Hess not even my boyfriend, nothing but a crush thetas all he is a crush, but it feels like so much more, does he really like me or is it just my imagination
I looked away from him and started for the art room I could swear I heard him saying your mine my imagination again. I'm surprised he didn't try to stop me usually hes the one running away.
I walked into the Art room and I saw D talking to Marie. Let me explain Marie ghettoest white girl you would ever see. she was blonde 5'5 and rough she liked hitting people. Her and D was laughing they're butts off so I decided not to bring them down with my bad mood so I put up my mask. I wasn't mad but iwould've been if it were anybody just not him.
"wassup hoes"
"So Vincent how was the new boy" said D oh no she didn't im gonna kick her little ass. I thought to myself
"what, i have no idea what your talking about" we all started laughing
Even though I was laughing and joking around with D and Marie. But inside I felt like shit. I knew that when I went home it was gonna happen no matter what. Class was usual MS. Mattel was being crazy I got an F on my assignment and we snuck out of class 10 minutes early we do this everyday and she never notices.
we walked around school for a while talked to people when class was out got on the bus in our usual seats talked some more and we were home good ole Villas. D was about to get off at her stop and asked why I wasn't going over house after school like I usually do. I told her I was tired she said I could sleep at her house I said no she talked me into staying till her little brother got home.
We got to her house and I passed out on the couch. She jumped on me and said "nigga wake yo ass up"
"what but you said i could sleep"
"yeah but i didn't say i wasn't gonna wake you up"
"your brother will be here in a minute i gotta go"
"OK ill call u later"
"whatever"
I cut through the grass and was in my house in no time. I looked for my keys and opened the door. When I got in the house I knew what was gonna happen and I was powerless to stop it. I let my dog out his name is Spunky hes so cute and so bad I fed him and let him out my sisters would get him when they got home.
I went up to my room and closed and locked the door. I stripped down to beater and pull on some pj bottoms. I feel tears starting to outline my face pouring out my soul with every tear. I did what I could to make the feelings go away even though I knew they would win in the end. I picked up a pencil and started to write.
His eyes told secrets
his eyes told secrets his mouth could not bear
his eyes told secrets he thought unfair
his eye told me everything his mouth would not
his eyes told me his love and his apologies
his mouth gave me pain and regret
I love him now as for forever
the pain he cause is not as great
as losing him forever
his eyes told secrets
they said he loved me
Then he punched me.............
he gives me pain and
I would not take it
if it were anybody just not him
his eyes told secrets
i love you they said......your mine
now im dead
I put the pencil down not even to bother looking at what I wrote. I still felt like it was calling me the writing was not enough. My tears stop pouring and dried on my face. I was crying softly to myself laying on my bed holding my pillow teddy who I named Derr close to me. It was still calling me getting louder and louder. I couldn't do it no not this time.....I cant, but I could.
I turned on my radio and pushed play turned it was already on my favorite CD Smile Empty Soul I turned to number ten my favorite song it was called.........with this knife. My cutting song. I start up again even harder than before.
I let myself fall into a lie i let my walls come down i let myself smile and feel alive i let my walls come down no matter how i try i dont know why you push so far away you wrapped your hands tight around my heart and squeezed it full of pain
I lay on my side crying holding Derr one arm wrapped around him one under him fully extended. I turn the radio up louder.
with this knife ill cut off the part of me the part that cares for you with this knife ill cut out the heart of me the heart that cares for you
I grab the knife under my pillow and bring it to my left forearm. I cry harder. the little voice in my head telling me no dot do it threes a better way dot hurt yourself. then the bigger voice comes he doesn't love you he never will the only love you'll ever get is from cold hard steel. the knife is the only one that loves you. the knife loves you let it have you. what about D. If D really cared about you she would see what as going on. It won the knife won.
I cant believe the way you took me down i never saw the pain coming in a million broken smiles like poison from my veins
I grip my love with my right hand and press it against my forearm....gasp. I slowly slide it up and down I feel the pain of the knife penetrating me invading me giving me pain. I think about this so much I dot even remember him. I dot remember how he treats me i done realize how badly my life is messed up. I don't think just cut.
with this knife ill cut off the part of me the part that cares for you with this knife ill cut out the heart of me the heart that cares for you
I cut deeper and deeper until my body is releasing my life essence.......my blood. Crying crimson tears and my eyes pouring out my soul I am released.
the hate and the fear the nightmares that wake me up in tears the nightmares and
the deeper i cut the more i forget the more i cry the more i feel. up and down slow i feel the blood starting to pour out leaving my new wound
with this knife ill cut of the part of me the part that cares for you with this knife ill cut out the heart of me the heart that cares for you
.......
all the hate and the fear the nightmares that wake me up in tears the nightmares and....
One last stroke up and down. I am released.
The song goes off and I lay in my bed sobbing and bleeding. I drop the knife to the floor and grab paper towels from under my bed and wrap up my arm. I clutch Derr closer to me and I fall asleep.