All rights reserved. Copyright held by the author. If you are underage or are offended by gay fiction, containing graphic sex and explicit language, please exit now.
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"AS I REMEMBER HIM"
A story by
Ritch Christopher
"When my life is through,
And the angels ask me to recall
The thrill of them all,
Then I shall tell them
I remember you."
Johnny Mercer, 1952
Chapter Twelve
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ADAGE: noun. 1. A condensed or memorable saying embodying some important fact of experience that is taken as true by many people.
'Deaths come in threes'. That's an adage...and in most cases becomes a reality even if we have to search distantly to find the third person to complete the trio...movie stars, important people or leaders, family members, but especially friends. First it was Mark, a couple of days later, Alex, a few more days, and it was Steve...to set the final arc of the circle.
Chris called the Atlanta PD and the EMS to come to Steve's apartment to make a report and pick up Steve's body. There was no foul play in Steve's death. He hadn't overdosed. The Phantom illness had finally taken him after he had put up such a fight for so many years, experiencing brutal pain and mental anguish during thousands of hours and nights of loneliness, trying to remember or relive better days when he was well and gay.
After Steve's body had been taken away to the hospital and then on to the morgue, Chris made another phone call to Felix Sizemore to be prepared to pick Steve up for either embalming or cremation. "Oh, Lord, another one!" Felix said...'Another one without money...' was actually what Felix was thinking.
Chris, David, and Randy all sat on Steve's worn sofa, tired, depressed, and speechless.
"Is there anything left to do here?" Randy finally asked.
"I don't think so..." Chris replied.
"I...I would like to come by sometime and go through Mark's things to see if there's anything I want to keep, but I can do that later or tomorrow."
"I would like to call Thad," Randy said. "I think he should know about Steve and there are several other things I need to talk over with him."
"Yes, there's someone I want to call, too." Chris said.
"I...I have to get to the airport to pick up a friend as soon as I know what time he's arriving," David sighed.
"Say, that's right. He's supposed to call you at my place. I guess we'd better get back to the church and hop into my car and go back there," Randy replied.
"Yes, come on, boys. I'll take you to your car."
The three pilgrims got up to leave. Chris took another long and hard look around the room still expecting to hear one of Steve's witticisms or gaze at Mark's smiling face. The room seemed about to explode with memories as they left.
On the way back to the church, Chris thanked David and Randy no less than a dozen times for their help. Neither David or Randy wanted or needed to be thanked as both had gathered thousands of memorable moments from the faces of those whom they had fed.
"Hey, Father, don't you have an evening meal? And what about tomorrow morning?" Randy asked suddenly.
"Well, yes...but I can't ask you to..."
"Bullshit!" Randy exclaimed. "Just try to keep me from helping you. This morning was the first honest work I've ever done in my life...and to think I did it for free. It feels great!"
"All right then, but I will try to get someone else to help me in the morning. Father 'D' said I should ask for some volunteers from one of the church's men's group."
"I thought you had three boys helping you..." Randy said, innocently.
"They...they can't help for a while..."
"Typical teenagers, I imagine. I was just like them...could never be depended upon..."
"That's not the case, Randy, I'll explain it to you later," David said before Randy kept rant any more.
"Chris, I DO hope you get things worked out. I'll be back with Randy this evening. Who knows? You might have an additional helper from Virginia."
"Yes, and help or NO help! I'll be back to help you in the morning!" Chris added.
"Can you get up early two mornings in a row?"
"Who said anything about 'getting up'? Hell, I just won't go to bed. I'm used to staying up late. I can sleep after I get through with the breakfast run."
"Randy," Chris said, "I hope you won't be offended if I tell you I've seen quite a transformation in you during the past few hours."
"You mean from a gay Hugh Heffner to Mother Theresa?"
"Well, yes..."
"I felt it too! It's the greatest feeling in my life. I never had so many people say, 'thank you' to me and, frankly, I loved it! I actually felt useful with some sense of purpose."
David smiled..."Randy...a new purpose in life...and a new person in your life all within twelve hours!"
"Yeah, life can be good, can't it?"
"There's a new person in your life, Randy?" Chris asked.
"Well, an old/new person..."
"Yes, Chris, Randy and Thad became a 'couple' last evening."
"MAYBE a 'couple'," Randy said, correcting David.
"That's wonderful, Randy!" Chris exclaimed. "It's wonderful when two people who both need someone suddenly realize it and do something about it."
"You talk as if you've had some experience in that category before you became a priest."
"Let's just say I didn't start out my life with the intention of becoming a saint. I still don't..."
"Father? Are you saying...?" Randy began to ask.
"Randy, shut up and read the billboards all the way back to the church. There are things better not said...and even more important things which shouldn't be asked..." David's smile was full of understanding.
Chris smiled at David's knowing remark, but didn't offer an explanation to the inquiring mind of the good-looking rich kid.
Soon they were back at the church parking lot. Randy and David offered their, 'see you later's' to Chris and got into Randy's car to go and await Luke's phone call at Randy's apartment. Chris didn't get out of his car. He wanted...rather, he NEEDED to talk with Andy, no matter the consequence. After David and Randy left, Chris drove his car away from the church to head for the Thompson house.
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At 11:00 AM, Luke called David to say that he would be arriving via United Airlines at the Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta International Airport at 2:00 PM. Before Randy drove David to meet Luke, the two took time to fix brunch at Randy's. David took a shower and changed into some of his newly duds, chosen from the wardrobe Randy had given him the night before, all this while Randy called Thad to tell him about finding Steve.
The news of Steve's passing rocked Thad's boat. Now he, like the others, had one more death to accept. Thad noted a different quality in Randy's voice and in his conversation...more sincerity, less flippancy and Thad loved what he heard. Thad thought perhaps it might be the result of their reuniting last evening, but he had no idea of the drastic change in Randy's demeanor, the direct result of his morning visitations serving breakfast. Thad was sorry he had gone back to work; he wanted to see Randy right away. Were things happening too quickly for Thad? In less than a week, he had lost Alex, fallen slightly for David, spent thousands of dollars redecorating his old digs, and rekindled an old relationship with someone whom he thought he hated, but to whom he now felt emotionally attached.
After Randy left Thad the night before, Thad found it difficult was to believe how much he really liked Randy...maybe even loved. It had been so long since Thad had been in love...REALLY in love, that it was hard to decipher what being in love was all about. He was damned sure that Randy had never cared for him before when they had tricked and had disastrous sex. Maybe it was his new furniture and new apartment that elevated his social status to a higher plane, a level closer to Randy's, that gave him the confidence to let his feelings go, allowing himself to be more comfortable with his old/new 'friend'! Thad had promised Randy that he would be by to see him after he got off work from the station at 3:00 PM! He was truly anxious to see Randy and pour more fuel on their newly lighted relationship.
Randy and David left at 1:00 PM to drive through the congested Atlanta traffic, traveling on the freeways and the overpasses. each of which spanned a different Peachtree Street, Avenue, Way, Trail, Terrace, and Boulevard. The drive took nearly forty-five minutes to get to the airport and find a parking space. Since Homeland Security had made practically every space off-limits to visitors, David had to wait until Luke got off his plane, received his luggage, and came thorough the passengers' exit. And during the wait, David grew more impatient, more frightened, more excited.
Luke had no difficulty recognizing David since David was almost a dead ringer for Luke's first love, Mark. It was David who didn't know if he could remember what Luke looked like. However, as soon as they saw one another and though they had never embraced before, the two ran toward one another like the climactic scene in a Hollywood romance. They went into each other's arms and hugged as two long-lost lovers or buddies.
"God, I'd have known you anywhere in any crowd," Luke said. "I swear I thought you were Mark...only a bit older."
"It's great seeing you again, Luke," David replied. "I must say that you look older too."
The semi-skinny little kid which Mark had brought home to study with in his room was no longer skinny...or a kid. Granted he was Mark's age, but he had had an average build, now filled out with muscle all in the right places. Not that he was a body builder, but Luke would have turned both men's and women's heads if he were in a bathing suit on a beach. His face was pale which coincided with his blonde hair and green eyes. Luke was not drop-dead handsome, but when he smiled with his almost perfect teeth, and the dimples sank into his cheeks, he was more than just cute.
The biggest difference David noticed about Luke was that he had dropped his Virginia drawl. When he spoke, there wasn't a trace of a southern accent.
"I had butterflies in my stomach during the whole flight," Luke said.
"Flying makes you nervous?"
"No, it was the anxiety of seeing you again. I didn't know if you would greet me with a warm 'hello' or a not-so-welcome handshake."
"Why would you say that? You were Mark's best friend at one time and I don't remember us ever having a problem between us."
"Yes, but I remember how your dad felt and what he did after he caught Mark and me together. I wasn't sure if you'd have your dad's attitude toward me."
"You mean am I homophobic?"
"In a clinical sense, yes."
"Not in the least. I've actually made it my business to learn as much about Mark's lifestyle as I can...since Mark and I never discussed it as brothers."
"I talked with Jenny and she told me that the two of you are engaged to be married. I could only assume that you were straight and not like Mark. Therefore, I was afraid you might not want to see me, but I DID want to attend Mark's service since I got the impression there wouldn't be one in River Oaks."
"Not yet, anyway. I'm sure Jenny told you that I haven't told either of my parents about Mark dying."
"Yes, and I've kept the secret from everyone who might disclose the news to your mom and dad."
"Thank you for that." David turned and saw Randy observing his and Luke's reunion. "Come on, I have someone I want you to meet. I think you'll find out that you two have a great deal in common."
David took Luke by the hand and led him over to meet Randy.
"Randy, this is Luke. Luke...Randy."
"Glad to meet you, Luke."
"Same here. I hope we get a chance to have a long talk while I'm visiting Atlanta."
"Me too. David said we seem to have a lot in common."
"More than you know, but we'll get to that later."
"David, were you able to get me a room at the hotel where you're staying?" Luke asked.
"Not exactly, but I did find you a place to stay. It's very elaborate and expensive to look at, but the price is more than reasonable."
"Oh?"
"Yes, you're gonna be staying at Randy's place...where I've been staying."
"I...I don't want to be in the way. I...I'm sure I can find a hotel room..."
"Nonsense!" Randy exclaimed. "You're in the deep South now, not so near the Mason-Dixon line and all those Yankees who live across the river from Virginia. It would be a black mark against my Southern hospitality if I didn't supply a fellow rebel with a place to stay...especially if he was a friend of Mark's and David's."
"That's very kind of you, Randy."
"It's the very least I can do. I mean you flew all the way down here for Mark's service. Mark would be furious if I didn't offer you my apartment and anything else you desire."
"You've got to see Randy's apartment to believe it!" David said.
"Well, as long as both of you insist..."
"We do!" David and Randy replied as one voice. "Now let me carry your luggage to the car," David said.
Randy and Luke's 'gaydar' alarms went off at the same time and each sneaked an extra long look at each other. David, who had no concept of what 'gaydar' is, was able to recognize that Randy and Luke liked one another immediately and he was pleased.
To say that Luke was impressed by Randy's digs would be an understatement. Luke's parents had reared him in a old two-story Virginia plantation, but Luke had never seen anything quite like the furnishings at Randy's outside an 'Architect Digest'. David took Luke's suitcase into the guest room where he had slept the night before. "You'll be sleeping here in the guest room," David said.
Luke slightly raised an eyebrow and asked, "Will you...I mean, are you and Randy sharing a bed?"
"Heavens, no!" David laughed. "I'm sure that since both of you were Mark's best friend at different times in his life, it's no secret that both of you are gay. You ARE, aren't you, Luke?"
"Well, sure, but, if you aren't sleeping with Randy, where are you going to sleep."
"Didn't you get a good look at those million dollar couches in the living room? One of them has become my best friend," David replied.
"Oh, please! I can't take your bed. Let me sleep on the couch," Luke said, adamantly.
"Okay," Randy said, "we seemed to have encountered a slight problem with the gender arrangements. David has just openly revealed that you and I are gay, blabbermouth! And in case you haven't figured it out, David likes to broadcast to everyone that he's super straight."
"I do not and you know it!" David retorted.
"PLEASE! I haven't finished!" Randy said, interrupting David's outburst. "You two are old friends and even though you and I are gay, we've only just met. Let me suggest that since you ARE old friends, perhaps you can trust one another and respect the other's sexuality and share that huge king-size bed in the guest room. If either of you ever saw the movie, "It Happened One Night" with Clark Gable and Claudette Colbert, they were unmarried and slept in the same bed with a blanket hanging from a rope to divide one side from the other. If either of you feels the need for some kind of barricade from the other, then I'll see what I can do with some throw pillows to guard you while you sleep. I mean, it's senseless for either of you to sleep on the couch for no reason at all except lack of trust."
David and Luke looked at one another and both laughed.
"It does seem stupid, doesn't it?" David asked.
"I've never attacked anyone in his sleep before and I'm not about to start with Mark's straight brother," Luke replied.
"Then it's settled. You two will share the guest room. It's too late in the day to call in an architect and interior decorator to construct an additional bedroom." Randy jested.
"Are you sure it's okay?" Luke asked David.
"Why the hell not?" David shrugged.
"Now, while the two of you are reuniting and getting to know one another again, I have to go meet someone and I'll be back later to make plans for dinner," Randy said.
"Sure, go do what you have to do, Randy," David told him. "Luke and I will be fine."
"Luke, unpack your suitcase and put your things in the closet and use whatever dresser drawers you find empty. David will show you where I keep the guest towels and toiletries and PLEASE! make yourself at home!"
"Thanks, Randy..." Luke replied. Then Randy left his apartment.
Luke opened his suitcase and began to unpack as Randy had suggested.
"Was he Mark's lover?" Luke finally asked.
"His last one. I think you were Mark's first."
"I think I was, too. Only Mark was not the first guy I slept with..."
"Oh? Did Mark know?"
"I'm quite sure he didn't. Oh, David, that's what I came to talk with you about. I...I'm so ashamed."
"Sit down and tell me about it," David said.
"There's so much to tell. I don't know hardly where to begin."
"Why not start with the night my dad caught you and Mark together..."
"Mark and I were simply teens...gay teens. We had done the usual experimentation with one another that even most straight teen boys do. I knew I was falling in love with Mark. I...I had had sex with others, but Mark was the first I ever loved. I was almost certain that Mark loved me as well. I've spent hours, days, weeks, and even years thinking about what might have happened if your dad hadn't walked in on us the way he did. I...I'm quite sure that Mark and I would still be together in a relationship. However, the worst came when your dad told my parents about finding us together. Ha! You think your dad had a fit? Mine had a conniption. He didn't throw me out of the house as your dad did Mark, but he pulled me out of the River Oaks High School and had me tutored privately until the fall when it was time for me to go to college. He gave me one of two choices. I could either apply at the Citadel in South Carolina or he had some pull to get me into VMI...both were military schools. He thought that the military discipline would cure me from being gay. Little did he know how many gay affairs occur between cadets at both schools."
"So which one did you choose?"
"I settled on VMI because of my dad's connection there. It was easier for me to get into and it was closer to home. However, one of the pre-entry requirements was that I have a complete physical examination...not just a routine doctor's check-up, but lab work, chest x-rays...the works! A few days later after the exam, I got a notice from the admission director at VMI that my application had been denied for health reasons. It scared me half to death, but I got the medical reports only to find that I had hepatitis C. Now I was totally scared to death. As soon as my dad found out, he was furious and certain that Mark had infected me. I was confident that Mark had NOT been the one because I trusted Mark when he told me that I had been the only person he'd ever had sex with. I knew that it was one of my other partners, not Mark. I finally convinced my dad that it wasn't Mark, but it wouldn't have mattered because after 'that' night, Mark had left town and no one knew where he was."
"Oh, my God..." David was getting the picture of what had happened but he wanted to know all of Luke's story.
"So at any rate, my dad still wanted to get me into VMI one way or another and he began contacting doctors and hospitals who specialized in liver treatment. Finally, he spent a fortune by sending me to Mayo's in Rochester, Minnesota. I stayed there for months receiving all kinds of drugs and procedures, hoping to find a cure...for what most people think is incurable. Someone sent me a book which Naomi Judd, the country singer, had written, telling of how she was cured from Hep C, by diet and Interferon injections. Before long, the shots did their task and one day, the doctors told me that I was completely rid of Hep C. It had just vanished...POOF! like that and I was no longer contagious. I was happy as a lark to be cured but not so eager to go back to VMI. I was not going to let any school or any person change me from being gay. I loved being gay. That's who I was and who I still am! But getting back to my story...Incidentally, I did go to VMI for one semester and flunked out on purpose. I had one goal. I wanted to find Mark and start a life with him."
"And you never found him? Never phoned him or saw him?"
"No, but I met a guy at a bar who said he knew Mark casually but was afraid to go to bed with him because he was infected with some incurable liver disease which was highly contagious. I...I actually dropped the glass of beer I was holding in my hand when I heard that. I was sure...and I'm still positive...that I was the one who gave it to Mark. I caused his death and I've been so goddamned depressed since Jenny told me that Mark died. I KILLED HIM, DAVID. It's all my fault and I'll never forgive myself."
During his last speech, Luke tuned up to cry and when he told David about his guilt, Luke dropped to his knees and wept out loud. David was moved to tears as well, but he felt no anger toward Luke. Why should he? Luke might have given the disease to Mark, but David felt as if he was just as guilty by not trying to contact his brother earlier, keeping in touch, or taking care of him. David knelt beside the weeping young man and put his arm around Luke. Luke turned to put his head on David's shoulder and the two held each other while they cried together.
"It wasn't your fault, Luke. Believe me! If there's anyone to blame, it's I. If I had known where to reach him...if I had come to Atlanta six months ago to see him...I could have taken Mark to the hospital to get the same treatment which you had. He might have been cured and alive, if I had been the brother to Mark that I should've been."
Neither David or Luke knew how long that they remained huddled in the floor together, but it was long enough for each to 'cry it out' until there were no more tears to shed.
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Chris sat in his car in the Thompson's driveway for nearly fifteen minutes before drumming up enough courage to get out, knock on the door and talk to Todd, Marcia, and hopefully, Andy. He had no idea what he was about to say or how he would be received by the angry, perhaps, distant parents with whom he had been friends since becoming assistant rector at St. Thaddeus'. Chris hoped that Andy had told the truth about the diary and that Marcia and Todd would have believed him enough to look at Chris in a more amiable light, rather than the accusing glare from the night before. He barely had his finger on the doorbell before Todd opened the door. It was nearly ten o'clock.
"Good morning, Father," Todd greeted Chris cheerily. "Please come in and have a cup of coffee with Marcia and me."
"Good morning, Todd," Chris replied. "I...I would love a cup of coffee. It's been a rather hectic morning."
Chris followed Todd into the kitchen where Marcia was sitting at the table. She arose and went to Chris as soon as she saw him. She gave him a slight hug. "Good morning, Father. I'm so glad that you came by."
"Morning, Marcia. I felt there were a few things I'd like to say."
"Please sit down, Father. Marcia, please pour Father Chris a cup of coffee. Father, I'm afraid there are a few things we'd like to say to you first."
"Very well, but I do need to say what I came to say."
"Only after Marcia and I have our say first."
"All right."
"Usually, Marcia and I...AND ANDY come to the church to ask God to forgive us for whatever sins we might have committed. But this time, it's not God that we want to ask but rather to you personally. Perhaps in the eyes of God, we have sinned against Him as well, but it's your personal forgiveness that both of us seek. I'm afraid we have done you a grave injustice and maybe ruined your reputation and endangered your vocation at St. Thaddeus' in the process."
"My job at St. Thaddeus' is not as important as regaining your friendship and trust," Chris humbly replied. "I'm so sorry that it took so long for me to find Andy, but I thank God that he's home and safe. May I ask if he's at school?"
"No, after his long, tiring ordeal, we thought it best if he stayed home a few days to recuperate, both physically and emotionally. He's up in his room... asleep, I suppose."
"That's good."
"Father? About Andy's diary..."
"He...he...uh...talked with you about that?"
"Yes, Father, I think he told us everything...at least we hope he did. Father, we now know that the things he said about you...the things he described in some explicit detail were not true and didn't happen. I won't call them lies because Marcia and I feel that they were more like wishes. They were things which Andy wished to happen between you two. I think he'll find a way to ask your forgiveness, but in a way, it's not his fault. Marcia and I should never have invaded his private world or thoughts. He wrote his fantasies in a secret diary which no one was ever suppose to read, much less having them found by two hysterical and over-reactive parents who take them to their priest to read and in turn put the object of Andy's affection...YOU, Father...in jeopardy of losing respect, even your job. We both realize that it would take a big person even to begin to forgive us...but we are both sorry...sorry more than you can imagine and we DO beg your forgiveness."
"Todd...Marcia...the Almighty is MUCH bigger than I and if HE can forgive all of us for the many misguided things we do, then how can I not do the same?"
"Father, I couldn't sleep at all last night. I was so glad to have Andy home, but my heart and mind were so heavy with the wrong we had done to you. So the first thing this morning, while you hadn't returned from the breakfast run. I drove as fast as I could to the church to be there when Father 'D' arrived. I walked with him into the church and then into his office and I told him the truth. I hope and pray to God that I was able to convince him of your innocence. This time, unlike what we read in the news, it was the priest who was the victim."
"Father, I am so sorry. We DO ask for your forgiveness," Marcia added, choking back tears.
"I...I...Todd, I appreciate your going to see Father 'D'. But part of what I had to say to you was that I hold no hard feelings toward you, Marcia, and especially Andy. I shouldn't say this to members of my parish, but it was Father 'D's attitude which disturbed me. It was he who accused me, not you. Even though you had the diary, it was my superior who wouldn't give me benefit of the doubt. I knew I was innocent and he distrusted me, though I was telling the truth. It is I who must find a way to forgive him. I'm afraid that this whole priest/altar boy molestation business which has the Church and most of the world turned sideways has made us, the leaders of the Church, point fingers at one another and make rather quick judgments without rationale, which makes us think that any or all of us are guilty with or without proof."
"The Boston ordeal seemed to hurt ALL of the Church," Todd added. "I hope you won't be angry if I relate some of the conclusions Marcia and I have arrived at, but, and I'm sorry to say this, but we believe that the Vatican is often wrong. We are faithful to God and to the Church, but even Christ went on a tirade and cleaned out the church. Maybe it's time someone cleaned out the Vatican and adapted their doctrines and edicts to the people of the twenty-first century. We feel that if priests were allowed to get married or even have a gay lover, there would have been no cause for the scandal. We respect your position, but we also know that priests are human, just like us. They eat, sleep, go to work, use the bathroom, do EVERYTHING that church members do, so why must their sexual needs go ungratified? We're not stupid. We know that you can't just 'pray away' your physical and emotional desires. It's not normal to suppress such needs. The Church won't permit us to use birth control because God intended us to procreate and enjoy sex just the same. I know that when I was a young man, there was no way on earth that I could restrain my sexual urges. I was taught not to masturbate, but to me, pardon the expression, that was bullshit. I don't see how it's possible for anyone...any PRIEST to go for the rest of his life without experiencing some relief. Dear God! Don't you guys get 'blue balls'?"
"Todd!" Marcia exclaimed.
"Sorry, Marcia, but it's the truth. I used to wonder if that's why priests wore all those long robes to hide their erections and swollen testicles. My God, a priest must have to wash his sheets every morning after he has one or two wet dreams every night. That's the way God made the male body. If my wife isn't allowed to take birth control pills, I'm quite certain that the Vatican doesn't make you take...what did they used to call it in the army? Saltpetre? Potassium nitrate?"
Marcia blushed while Chris laughed out loud. "No, we don't take anything like that to quell our urges."
"Damn! I don't know how you do it! If I went three days in a row without having some kind of orgasm, I'd...I'd go nuts!"
"I will admit, sometimes it IS difficult."
"I guess, Father, what I'm trying to say is...I'm sure it's no secret to you since Andy says his confession to you, but now Marcia and I know that Andy is gay. He told us last night. Even if he had done half the things with you as he described in his diary, it would be all right with both of us. I know all about your vow of chastity. I don't know if you were gay or straight before you became a priest. I hope to God that you did have lots of sex before you decided to 'do without' for the rest of your life. But, if you and Andy DID have feelings for one another...if you had had secret sex...then, Marcia and I would've looked the other way and let you and Andy do whatever you chose, as long as it was mutual for both of you."
Chris was amused by Todd's ideology concerning the sex life of priests and felt an inward relief about his and Andy's misconduct at Steve's last night. Still, he was their minister and was reluctant to admit his personal misdoings, especially with their son. Chris knew what he came to the Thompson's to say but didn't know how to say it.
"Both of you know how fond I am of Andy. He, along with his two friends, Jeff and Tommy, have been my right-arm helpers, assisting me with the meal routes twice a day with no pay, only 'thank you's' from the daily clients we see. I can say that I love all three boys...no, they are all eighteen years old now, I love all three MEN...but most of all, Andy. I, sometimes, become envious of both of you when I bring him home and he, once again is YOUR son, and not my twice-a-day companion. Looking at Andy, I can see how any priest could overstep his religious boundary and want more than just a priest/young parishioner relationship. This may shock you, but since you've been so openly honest about the way you feel, I hope that you can understand my saying that if I WERE gay, I would want no one more than Andy. He's everything any man or woman could ever want in a mate, husband, or lover. Yes, even though I'm bound by my vows not to proceed any further in a relationship with Andy, I DO love him."
"Do you really?" Andy asked, standing in the doorway.
Neither Chris nor Andy's parents had seen Andy standing there, nor did they know how much of the conversation he had heard. Chris suddenly stopped talking and wished the floor would open and swallow him. He had told Andy that he loved him while they were having sex, but now, Marcia and Todd had heard Chris declaration of love for their son.
"Yes, Andy, as much as I am allowed to."
"Then, I suppose I'm allowed to tell you AND my parents that I love you, too."
Marcia edged toward her husband's back and placed her hands upon his shoulders. Both she and Todd looked at their son and their priest and recognized that their love was real...and they both approved of what they saw.
"Todd, Marcia...that's the primary reason for my visit this morning. I am torn over what I should do. I am bound by faith to uphold my vow of celibacy, but my feelings for Andy have put my life in a state of...there's a crazy word for it...'Koyaanisqatsi'...life out of balance and I don't know what to do. So much has happened in the past week. I've lost three good friends..."
"Three?" Andy asked. "Who was the third?"
"Oh, Andy, on the route this morning...we...we found Steve lying on his bathroom floor..."
"Dead?"
"I'm afraid so."
"Oh, my Lord, Father!" Marcia exclaimed. "You've had quite a morning."
"I can't believe it, Chris..." Andy said as Todd and Marcia gave a quick look at each other, for this was the first time Andy had ever referred to Chris by his first name.
"He didn't kill himself, did he?" Andy asked softly.
"No, Andy, he...I think he decided he was tired of being sick and was ready to go."
"I really liked Steve. He was so funny."
"He enjoyed seeing you, Jeff, and Tommy. You three was almost the highlight of his day. He loved making you laugh."
"I...I'll miss him."
"We all will, Andy."
"Father, I'm sitting here wondering what the two of you should do," Todd said.
"I know, Todd. I have some big decisions to make," Chris said.
"I realize it's not my place to ask, but since my son's happiness is involved, I will. IF you should come out of the priesthood, have you thought about what you would do?"
"That's all I've thought about all night and most of the morning," Chris replied.
"And...?"
"I'm twenty-six. I have two degrees and there are many careers I could pursue. Teaching is not out of the question. I had many interests before becoming a priest. I have a minor in mathematics. I love architecture. I used to design and make furniture when I was a teen. My career opportunities are limitless." Then he turned to face Andy. "Most of my future or rather OUR future depends on you. There's six years difference in our ages. I know you'll be going off to college in the fall. You'll probably meet lots of young guys your own age...maybe one you'll like better than me."
"Please don't say any more, Chris," Andy interrupted. "I'm with guys my own age every day and you're the first and only one that I've ever loved, so why should I look for someone else when it's you that I want. I've dreamed about you since the first day we met. You...you read my diary. You know how I've wanted you and how much I feel for you."
"But, if I could only be sure..."
"Trust me! Let me give you the love you need. I want to be with you. I can go to college here in Atlanta. We can live together."
"Hell, you can both live here if you like. I'd love having another son or son-in-law!" Todd said, enthusiastically.
"But if you DID leave the church, what would happen to all those who look to you for their meals every day?" Andy asked.
"You won't believe this, but God opened a new window for the meal program."
"What do you mean?"
"Only that St. Thaddeus might not be the provider of meals any longer. The service may be supplied under new management."
"Who? How?"
"I'll tell you as soon as it finalized...but it seems that God sent a very rich angel to visit me. I can't wait for you to meet him. But I don't want you falling for him or his money."
"There's no danger in my doing that as long as I have you..."
There was a happy silence in the room until Marcia spoke, "Would it be all right if I fixed lunch or brunch or whatever for the four of us?"
"Like a family?" Andy asked.
"Yes, son, OUR family," Todd replied.
Chris held Andy's hand as Andy sat down in the chair next to him. Todd took Marcia's hand at the same time and everything seemed perfect at the Thompson house.
<><><><><><><><><><>
"Hey, Thad," the young policeman said, sticking his head in the doorway.
"Yeah?"
"There's someone here to see you..."
"Who?"
"Me." Randy said, bouncing in.
"Hey, man! What's up?"
"I know you said you'd be by later, but I wondered if you could take a coffee break if you're not busy."
"Why not? I'm doin' nothin' except putting a few reports in the computer data base."
"Great!"
"Where to?"
"Some place nearby in case you get have to go out on a call."
"'Denny's OK?"
"Swell!"
Randy and Thad walked out of the Atlanta precinct and crossed the street to Denny's, happily open 24/7.
"Are you all right, bud?" Thad asked.
"I was until we found Steve early this morning."
"Poor guy! I'm gonna miss him. He had that dry wit that I liked so much."
"That's what everyone said about him."
"He suffered long and fought a brave battle against AIDS and yet he was always able to crack a joke to anyone who came to visit him."
"Damn that fucking disease! I'll bet if Cheney's daughter caught it, we'd have a cure in less than a week."
"You still believe that politics are controlled by the drug industry?"
"Or vice versa, depending on who's getting the greatest kickback!"
"You're probably right."
The two went inside Denny's and found a booth. Randy ordered coffee while Thad ordered a large milk and a slice of lemon creme pie.
"So why did you come down for coffee?" Thad asked.
"A couple of reasons. First and foremost, I wanted to see you and see if you had changed about the way you said you felt...and second, David and I picked up his friend, Luke, at the airport. I took them to my place and thought they needed some privacy to talk."
"That was nice of you. As to your first inquiry...'NO' I haven't changed the way I feel about you."
"Thank God for that. I...I haven't either."
"It was strange the way everything happened. All these months I thought I hated you from the way I believed you had left Mark high and dry. But since I now know the whole story...I no longer hold a grudge."
"I wish the rest of Mark's friends felt that way."
"I got to thinkin' about all the time I wasted by not knowing the truth. I would have asked you out many times. Whether you realized it or not, in spite of our differences, I used to carry a torch for you. I'll admit our attempts at sex weren't always memorable...well, they WERE memorable in the negative sense, but I think we both could have done better."
"I think you're right, Thad."
"I...I am willing to give it another try...that is, if YOU'RE willing."
"I think I might like to try again."
"Randy, I guess what I'm trying to say, although I'm not very good at verbalizing my thoughts, is I've been so fucking lonesome. I even thought about buying a blow-up doll just to have someone to hold when I go to bed at night."
"I...I hug my pillow..."
"Looks as if we suffer from the same problem..."
"Yes, Thad, but neither of us has to suffer. If I had never met Mark, I would have chased after you like a bloodhound on a fox hunt."
"It was my stupidity that kept us apart."
"Last night when I saw your new apartment and the way you looked, being so proud..."
"You really liked it?"
"Famously!"
"I know it's not as plush or expensive as yours, but it was the first time I've never been ashamed of what I owned."
"Thad, you could have anything you want. Why did you wait so long?"
"Anything?"
"Yes."
"Would 'anything' include a rich kid with whom I had very bad sex?"
"Yes, you can have me, too. You see, Thad, I haven't slept with anyone since Mark and I split up. Oh, I've gotten my rocks off a few times, but I didn't take anyone to bed with me."
"You've got to be kidding!"
"I wish I were."
"And I thought you must be having sex every night with a different guy. That's another reason why I never called you. DAMN! I DID waste a lot of time."
"We're both still young, healthy, and there's lots of time to make up for the time we BOTH wasted."
"You really want us to hook up and be a couple?"
"Yes, Thad, I do."
"Is this the place in the script where the music swells and I'm supposed to say, 'I love you'?"
"Only when you're ready to mean it."
"Randy, I'm more than ready."
"I think I'm about ready to say it back to you."
"Why don't we wait until tonight when I get you in bed?"
"I'll count the minutes..."
"Hell, I've never been a 'minute man' and you know it!"
"I know it all too well. I think it took you close to two hours, the last time we tried."
"I just didn't want to hurry it."
"Well, you almost killed me while I waited."
"Let's see if we can improve my timing tonight."
"All right. Hey listen, I've got a job!"
"Shit! Don't tell me you're running out of money just when we're about to begin a relationship."
"Hell, no! I'll never run out of money...just in case that's what you're after."
"You know I'm not!"
"Just kidding."
"TELL ME about your job."
"You know that I went with Father Chris and David on the breakfast run this morning?"
"Sure, that's when you found Steve."
"That's right...but before that. Something strange happened to me. I got a feeling I've never felt before in my life."
"Did David have something to do with it?"
"No, far from it! But you know what? David has only been here a few days and I think he's made you, me, and even Father Chris horny and awakened the way we truly feel about one another."
"David made you horny?"
"Sorta..."
"Me, too."
They laughed.
"Any rate, I was tired and sleepy when we began the route and the more houses and apartments we stopped at...and the more people I met who really need help, they all changed the way I look at the world and the needy people in it."
"And you've decided to become a missionary?"
"Idiot! No, I want to do all I can to help with the food service. The crap that they're eating is not worth sending to the humane society. I told Father Chris that I would contact some restaurants and food-supply warehouses and keep his pantry filled with good nourishment. I want to design a proper kitchen with new stoves and appliances. I want to be the operating manager of the food pantry."
"Dear God, is this the Randy I know and love?"
"Did you just use 'that word'? But really, it doesn't sound like me, does it? But I'm very serious about this undertaking. I'm gonna succeed and make my life have some meaning. Fuck! You know I've got all the money in the world and no one or nothing to spend it on. I can put my money to good use. Of course, if I have a new lover, my new life will be complete."
"How about a lonely detective?"
"That's exactly what I had in mind." Randy's wink was anything but modest.
They sipped their drinks and Thad ate his pie while never losing eye contact with one another until Thad decided his coffee break was over. As they got up to leave, Randy said, "Hey, I've got an idea!"
"Uh oh..."
"No, listen! Why don't you and I take David and Luke to some fancy restaurant tonight. It's Luke's first visit to Hotlanta and he should see something special in our big city. Then afterward, I'll let both of them use my whole apartment and I can spend the evening at the newest and swankiest apartment in town."
"You sure you really want to spend the night at my place?"
"As they say at Taco Bell, 'su casa, mi casa'. Besides, if we do what we plan to do, I don't want to scare either of my guests with the noise we might make."
"What about MY neighbors?"
"Fuck 'em!"
"I'd rather fuck you!"
"That was my primary idea!"
"Call me when you get home and let me know where to meet you all."
"Don't you mean, 'y'all', you damn Yankee?"
"I suppose, but I don't know anything about birthin' babies, Miss Scarlett!"
"Leave that to me!"
"Bye, Randy..."
"Bye for now, my love."
Thad crossed the street and went back into the precinct, happier than he had been in God only knows how long. Randy went home to tell David and Luke about the dinner plans.
<><><><><><><><><>
David was still holding Luke in his arms when he said, "Do you feel better?"
"Not really, David."
"Luke, you mustn't blame yourself for what happened to Mark. That was over two years ago. Mark had ample time to seek treatment. He knew that I was at college. He called me a couple of times and made no mention about being sick. I would have jetted down on the next flight out of Virginia, had I known. I just thank God that you got well and didn't go through the same ordeal as Mark."
"I hope it won't embarrass you, but could I tell you something?"
"In the past few days, I learned not to be embarrassed at anything. So go ahead."
"While you were holding me, I opened my eyes a couple of times and I felt like it was Mark who was holding me. Your arms felt exactly like his arms. Even your scent reminded me of Mark. It was as if two years hadn't passed, as if Mark and I were continuing where we left off after that horrible night."
"That didn't embarrass me. If holding you gave you comfort, then I'm glad I did it. The other night, I encountered a similar situation where I held another man in my arms. It felt strange, almost 'queer', at first. But then I relaxed and the weird feeling went away. I adjusted my hetero way of thinking and suddenly it felt right. Just as now, it felt right holding you in my arms. Mark would have held you... I'm his brother, so why shouldn't I?"
"You not afraid that your feminine side might be surfacing a bit too much?"
"No, I know I have a feminine side...ALL men do! I read about it in the school library. I...I never had a homosexual experience when I was going through puberty as most guys do. I suppose I'm going through a retro- feeling and it doesn't seem to bother me."
"You never had a best buddy like Mark and me?"
"Nope!"
"I'm not trying to say that if you had, you would be gay now, it's just..."
"I know what you're saying, Luke, and it's all right."
"Then you've never done anything with another guy?"
"I...I didn't say, 'never'..."
"Oh?"
"It happened just this week!"
"Here in Atlanta?"
"Where else? Certainly not at UV, because THERE I have Jenny."
"Did you have sex?"
"I...I'd rather not talk about it, if you don't mind."
"Sorry, I was being too inquisitive and I apologize for it."
"No need. Say, why don't we unpack your stuff the way Randy suggested?"
"Fine! By the way, when is the memorial service?"
"I'm not really sure now. You see, it was to be a double service for Mark and a friend of Randy's ex-lover. Then today, Mark's Atlanta roommate died suddenly and there might be a delay in order to include him in the service."
"Death comes in three's."
"That's what everyone says."
"So it might be the weekend before the service?"
"Maybe. Is there any place you have to hurry back to? I didn't ask what you're doing now. Are you going to school? Are you working?"
"Not in school and not working at the present time."
"Then how are you supporting yourself?"
"I'm being supported by my dear late Aunt Delia. She left all her money to me in a trust fund. I haven't worked in over a year."
"Are you living at home?"
"Not after flunking out of VMI, I'm not. I'm a disgrace to my dad."
"So you could spend an extra few days in Atlanta if you had to?"
"I could MOVE here if I wanted to!"
"Wow! It must be nice to be independent and not rely on your family for tuition, rent, and food."
"It is, David, but it's terribly lonely."
"No boyfriends?"
"No."
"You ARE cured aren't you? I mean you can have sex, can't you?"
"I'm completely cured. I can't infect anybody, but as far as having sex...that's rather complicated if you're gay and live in River Oaks. Since you're straight, you wouldn't have the foggiest notion of what I'm talking about. I think Mark and I were the last two gay guys to live in River Oaks."
"But you said there were 'others' before Mark..."
"That's when I went to visit Aunt Delia in Richmond. None of my other partners lived within miles of River Oaks. When Mark left, I was flying solo and I DO mean 'solo'. Often, after Mark had moved, I kept hoping that your genes were like Mark's genes and maybe being gay ran in the family."
"You were hoping that I was gay?"
"You looked so much like Mark. I used to fantasize about you and me having sex. But it seems that every time you broke up with one girlfriend, you replaced her immediately with another. I even kept a close eye on Jenny, hoping that the two of you would break up and I would come running to you to let you cry on my shoulder. Of course, that never happened. Then today, I sorta got my wish when we both cried on each other's shoulders."
Just then, Randy came bouncing into his apartment.
"Hey guys! Did you have a nice reunion?" Randy asked.
"Yes, quite..." Luke replied.
"Listen, I want you two to get all dolled up in your best duds. Luke, if you didn't bring any, then let David suit you up out of my closet."
"Where are we going?" David asked.
"Boys! I'm in love! Tonight, the tab's on me. We're gonna go out for a night on the town! What do you say?"
"I feel like I could use a bit of celebration after all that's happened this week," David replied. "Do you feel like going out tonight, Luke?"
"How can I refuse Randy's southern hospitality? Sure, I'll go."
"Great! You two can take turns in the guest bathroom while I go shave and shower in mine."
Randy bounced out the way he had bounced in and went to his bedroom.
"David, why don't you shower first while I finish unpacking, then I'll shower."
"Fine. I'll shower, then shave while you're showering."
David went into the guest bathroom, turned on the shower faucets and undressed. He was about to step into the stall when Luke suddenly opened the bathroom door. David was naked, but didn't try to cover himself as Luke just stood in the doorway staring at him.
"I...I'm sorry, David, but I had to see you without any clothes. I couldn't help it. I HAD to know how much you looked like Mark when you were naked."
"And...?"
"You're almost identical in every way."
"Maybe not in EVERY way, Luke."
"You know what I mean..."
"Yes. Yes, I do." Luke took a final glance and started to leave when David stopped him. "Luke?"
"Yes?"
"Did you and Mark ever shower together?"
"A couple of times. Why?"
"Would you like to shower with me?"
"You mean now?"
"Uh huh..."
"But I thought..."
"I KNOW what you thought. So if you want to, then take off your clothes and hop in with me!"
"Jesus Christ! I don't know what to say!"
"Then don't say it. Just hurry before I change my mind."
<><><><><><><><><><><><><>
AUTHOR'S NOTE:
I know I promised that this was to be a 'twelve chapter only' story, but this chapter is so damned long with so many loose ends to tie and I'm afraid I'll have to conclude it with chapter thirteen of "As I Remember Him"...R.C.