All rights reserved. Copyright held by the author. If you are underage or are offended by gay fiction, containing graphic sex and explicit language, please exit now.
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"AS I REMEMBER HIM"
A story by
Ritch Christopher
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THE OPINIONS EXPRESSED IN THIS STORY, AS WELL AS ALL MY NIFTY STORIES, BELONG TO THE CHARACTERS. THEY THINK AND CREATE THEIR OWN DIALOGUE AND ACTIONS. OVERWHICH, I, THE AUTHOR, HAVE NO CONTROL AND TAKE NO PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHAT THEY SAY OR DO.
R.C. ///////////////////////////////////////[]\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
"When I think of our times together,
the days and nights
as they used to be,
the thing I remember most
is when I set you free"
R. Christopher, 2005.
Chapter Thirteen
"The Final Chapter"
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At David's invitation for Luke to join him in the shower, Luke became so nervous that he could barely unbutton his shirt, even ripping one of them off. Luke couldn't believe what David had just said. David could hardly believe he had said it as well. What the hell had happened to him? Why the sudden change? Why now and with an almost total stranger from the past?
David had one foot inside the tub which housed the shower head. He waited with his own nervous grin until Luke was totally undressed and ready to get in the shower with him. Then David extended his hand to Luke. Once both were inside the tub, David pulled the shower curtain shut and the two faced each other, standing about a foot apart, neither of them knowing what to do next or what to say.
Finally it was Luke who had mustered the courage to speak. "David...do you want to just shower...or...or other things...?"
"Why don't we play it by ear and just wait and see what, if anything, happens."
"All right."
"Since this is a new experience for me, why don't you tell me, or somehow show me, at least partially, what you and Mark did?"
"Well, this is stupid because I know you know how to take a shower by yourself. You've probably showered with Jenny, so it won't be that much different."
"Actually, no! I've never showered with Jenny."
"Really?"
"Really..."
"Well, since you're standing under the shower head and are already wet, why don't we exchange places until I get wet, too."
"Seems fair if you're gonna shower too," David joked with a slight uneasiness.
The two men awkwardly turned around, each into the other's place, both being careful not to let their bodies touch. Neither of them looked down toward the other's genitals so only each, individually, knew if he had an erection. For what it's worth, both had raging hardons, the direct result of nature, even if not for any other reason. David put his head backwards under the shower spray to wet his hair, face, and let the water run down his chest and the rest of the front of his body.
"OK, we're both wet," David said. "Now what?"
"Do you have the soap?"
"I have this bottle of body wash that Randy left inside the stall."
"You take a handful and squirt me one as well."
"OK, now what?"
"Soap my chest while I soap yours."
All this seemed very elementary and almost as childlike as two six-year-old kids bathing together for the first time. The two gently rubbed each other's chest working up a large amount of lather.
"Now turn around and I'll do the same to your back, then you can do mine," Luke suggested.
They both took a longer time than necessary on the other's back because the next step would lead to dangerous, unknown territory, at least for David.
"Uh...what's next, the stomach?" David asked, showing a tinge of timidity.
"No, face me and put your hands around my neck and we'll do the neck, ears, and face."
Simultaneously, their hands went to the back of the other's neck and almost as if it was inevitable, they pulled their heads closer together, each taking one step toward the other until their lips were only inches away from the other's. Luke wanted to kiss David so badly, but wouldn't unless he got the 'OK' from David. The 'OK' was granted inside of five seconds as David placed his own lips firmly on Luke's. David had learned how to kiss from Thad, so this was familiar to him. To Luke it was wondrous, as he thought he was the recipient of David's first man-to-man kiss. To Luke's surprise, it was David who became the aggressor as he plunged his hot tongue into Luke's mouth.
Having drawn their bodies together close enough to kiss, each man's secret erection was now clearly revealed to the other as they pressed their lower bodies as hard and firm as possible. Almost at the same time, each put his arms around the other's back, pulling them tightly together. David became more dominant and lowered his hands until he had one of Luke's butt cheeks in each hand, pulling the two together with a sudden ferocity. Luke's response was immediate as he gripped David's hips.
The long, passionate kiss lasted until they were both out of breath and had to stop long enough to gasp for air. Each rested his head on the other's shoulder as the water splashed on their heads and down their bodies.
"Oh, God, I never thought I'd be doing this with you!" Luke said.
"I...I never thought I'd be doing this with any man...but, Luke, I'm glad it's you."
"So am I."
"Luke?"
"Yes?"
"Do I remind you of Mark?"
"No...because I know it's you."
"Thanks for saying that."
"David, can I reach around and grab you with my hand?"
"Only if I can grab you..."
"Then let's go for it."
It was strange to David to be holding another man's organ as this had never happened before. The night Randy performed oral sex on him, David had never touched Randy once.
As each explored the other's penis and testicles, it was almost a relief for them to discover that they were practically the same size in every way. There was no child's play like 'mine's bigger than yours' or 'yours is bigger than mine, so I'm inferior to you'. It was as if they were touching their own organs and David realized that it didn't seem to bother him at all.
"Wanna get each other off?" Luke said.
"That'll do for now since we both have to hurry if we're gonna go out to dinner..."
"Does that mean...you want to continue this later?"
"We're sharing a bed tonight, aren't we?" David asked, looking directly into Luke's eyes.
"Oh, my God! All this and heaven, too? Or may I say 'and dinner, too?'"
"Luke, seriously, you know whatever we do, you're going to have to teach me, but at UV, I have a four-point-0, so I can be a fast learner."
"In that case, let's stop. I want our first climax to be one that we both will remember. So let's not rush it."
"Whatever you say, Teach!"
"Let's just shower, get dressed, go out on the town with Randy and we'll take as much time as we want later on."
"What about our goddamned hard ons? We'll poke holes in Randy's fancy clothes!"
"I'll show you a trick I learned during the little time I spent in military school. Close your eyes because this may hurt slightly."
"OK." David closed his eyes while Luke triggered his middle finger against his thumb and flipped David's penis quickly.
"Ow, dammit! That DID hurt!"
"Yeah, but it got rid of your erection, didn't it?"
David looked down. "Yes, I guess it did...only let me do the same thing to you."
"I can do it!"
"Nope, you just taught me something and I have to try it myself to see how much I learned."
"OK, but don't hurt ME!"
David did the same kind of flip on Luke and almost instantly both their penises were flaccid. "Looks like you're a very good teacher."
"Yeah, if I recover...you flipped it so hard I might never get another erection."
"I think I already know how to jump-start that!"
"I'll bet you do...!"
Randy came bursting into the bathroom as David and Luke were still facing one another behind the shower curtain.
"Are you guys ready, yet...ooops! Sorry, I...I thought I paid the water bill. It was nice for both of you to think of me by saving the hot water. What the fuck are you two doing, as if I didn't know?"
"Luke, do you think you can teach Randy how to knock before entering?"
"Sorry, but how was I to know that you two were getting to know each other in the biblical sense. After all, one of you, at least, is 'supposed' to be straight!"
David uttered, "My...my back was sore and I asked Luke to rub one of my muscles under the hot shower."
"I can't say for sure, but I'm willing to bet that muscle feels a lot better now, huh?"
"Will you shut up, and get the heck out of here while we get dressed?"
"Yes, but don't take to long. I called Thad and he's gonna meet us in half an hour."
"Thad?"
"Didn't I tell you that Thad and I...?"
"NO, you said you were in love but you didn't mention Thad's name!"
"Silly of me, wasn't it? Must've slipped my mind!"
"You're just full of surprises, aren't you?"
"Not like the surprise I just experienced in the guest bathroom," Randy joked as he went out the bathroom, through the guest room, and on into the kitchen where he made himself a drink while his two guests finished...well, whatever they were doing and then getting dressed.
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Randy showed David and Luke, along with Thad, a tremendously entertaining evening. They had dinner at a four-star restaurant with a floor show, closely followed by three bars...one straight with a cabaret singer, and two gay bars with huge dancing floors where David danced openly with Luke...the first man he'd ever danced with. If Mark was somewhere looking down on his 'straight' brother, Mark must've been laughing his head off...or smiling warmly with a happy tear in his eye..
At midnight, Randy took David and Luke back to his apartment and told them that they would have the entire place to themselves as he had made plans to spend the night at Thad's. David and Luke were even more pleased since their first, and maybe only, night together would be alone...just the two of them. This made them very excited.
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By the time Randy reached Thad's, Thad had already gone into his bedroom and turned down the covers of his new king-size bed with its 1200 thread-count Egyptian cotton maroon sheets which felt smoother than silk. He had dimmed the lights to a romantic level, filled the 12 CD cartridge with recordings by Barbra Streisand, Nancy Wilson, Johnny Mathis, Shirley Horn, Chet Baker, George Shearing, Tony Bennett and Frank Sinatra (of course), Sue Raney, Nancy LaMott, Percy Faith, and Paul Horn. These selections would play for approximately eight hours and their musical content and lyrics would supply words which Thad was not used to saying. On his new coffee table sat a bottle of 1982 Château Mouton-Rothschild which he bought for his first evening with Randy since their reunion. He hoped the atmosphere and nuance setting would impress Randy to prove even further that he was a new Thad. Everything appeared to be perfection when Randy arrived at the door.
"What took you so long?" Thad asked.
"Ten minutes? Is that long?" Randy smiled.
"It is when I've been impatiently waiting to hold you in my arms again." Thad replied.
"Oh God, I want this to work between us this time," Randy said. "I've seen how you've changed and after the way that trip with Father Chris affected me, I feel as if I've changed to a new and better person in just one day."
"Oh--I forgot to ask---who helped Father Chris with his evening-meal deliveries?"
"I don't have any idea what happened, Thad. It was like a fucking miracle. When I called to see if he needed David and me...or me without David, since Luke was in town, I nearly dropped the phone when Father told me that the Thompson family, mom, dad, and Andy were going to help him."
"You mean his accusers---and after all the hell they put him through with the scandal?"
"The very ones. It makes me almost believe there IS a God and he does work in mysterious ways."
"The whole thing sounds mysterious unless Andy told his parents the truth about the diary and they felt guilty and wanted to help Father to kinda ease their conscience."
"That's the same conclusion I came to." Randy replied.
"Now, back to us...you and me...," Thad said, pulling Randy gently, but firmly, inside the apartment.
Randy stopped dead in his tracks and gazed around. "All I can say is, 'wow', Thad, everything looks so elegant and, I might add, 'romantic'...soft lights, soft music...I can imagine..."
"Well, not everything is soft." His arms surrounded Randy from behind.
"Whoops! I no longer have to imagine! I mean when I spoke to you earlier about our first session together, your two-hour 'plus' erection, you hadn't taken Viagra or Cialis, had you?"
"Never have used any of that stuff. I never needed it...when I had the right partner."
"I don't know what I did to get you in that mood, but I hope I can do it again."
"You can. You have." Thad said, smiling. "You know, I don't want to make you angry, but I have to say this. You're the first man I can honestly say is beautiful. Your good looks go far beyond just being merely handsome."
"I won't get angry if you'll allow me to blush. I can return the compliment by saying that not only do I find you good-looking, but you're the most virile, masculine gay guy I've ever known."
"Hunh uh, there'll be no bullshitting between us..."
"That's not bullshit. It's just my veracious observation."
"Enough talk, man! Come here, you..." Thad said as he pulled Randy close to give him a long passionate kiss that, strangely for Randy, still was shaded with tenderness. Randy was swept off his feet emotionally as he gave in to Thad's amorous physical display. This indeed was a new Thad because in the past, Thad had been more eager to get to sex and forget all ideas of foreplay. Had the animal turned into a lover?
The kiss slowly ended, but the embrace remained strong. "Oh, God, I've needed this for so long, Thad," Randy said, breathlessly.
"And you think I hadn't? Randy, baby, every night I spent alone made me think I'd never have a relationship with anyone. I got used to my job, used to coming home to four empty rooms. I thought that's the way it would be for the rest of my life. Randy, all my life, I've had a fear that I would die alone, but what became even worse was the realization that I was tired of living alone. I don't know what happened. Maybe it was just like we discussed at Denny's earlier today, perhaps it was David who came into our lives and sharpened our senses to the point where we could see that we all need someone in our lives and I suddenly looked at you in a different perspective. I had been wrong about you and Mark. You were no longer a villain or someone I tried to ignore. I swear to you, Randy, I'll never ignore you or have a bad feeling about you again."
"Now that all the negativity you had for me is gone, let's never talk about it again. Promise?"
"Surely do," Thad replied as he kissed Randy again. "Hey, I've got a special bottle of wine sitting over there..."
"Why don't we take it AND the glasses into the bedroom, but only if we're careful not to spill any on the sheets."
"If we do, hell, I've got MORE sheets. Before the evening is over, I hope there are lots of stains on the sheets."
"My, my, Cap'n Butler, I DO like the way you talk..."
Randy waited at the bedroom door while Thad almost tripped over a new ottoman to get to the wine and glasses. "Damn! That fuckin' Tim must've set a trap for me. I didn't even know that piece of furniture existed until now."
"It just reinforces the theory that all cops are clumsy!" Randy joked.
The bedroom had speakers to the CD player under the bed and the Barbra was singing, 'The Music That Makes Me Dance'.
"Want me to pour before or after we undress?" Thad asked.
"After...because all I want now is to see you naked...all of you."
"You're the beautiful one, let me see you first. Holy shit! When I look at you with the possibility that you might be mine for a long time or forever, I get chills, something a cop's not supposed to get."
They removed their clothes at the same time and when they were finished, each stood there on opposite sides of the bed, drinking in the other's body.
"Jesus Christ!" Thad remarked. "I'm not so sure I want the wine now."
"It's been fermenting for years, a couple of hours more will just make it better."
Thad set the bottle and glasses on one of the new night-stands and they both made a dive onto the Egyptian sheets. The suggestion of gentle lovemaking was now out of the picture as they engaged in a raging session of hot sex mixed with love. Their months of loneliness and 'doing without' suddenly vanished as they fell deeper and deeper into love.
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If such a thing as a 'nervous' meter existed, it would have registered over the redline, enough to explode, trying to determine which was more anxious about their sleeping together, David or Luke. It was to be David's first time and a first-time dream fulfillment for Luke, finally going to bed with his first lover's brother, the man about whom he had fantasized for years.
Unlike what was occurring at Thad's place, there was no wine and no music to prepare David and Luke for what was about to happen. Strangely enough, David had no second thoughts or skepticism toward having his initiation to gay sex. He was anxiously looking forward to it. While they were in the shower together, earlier, it was almost comical the way David made the decision. He thought, 'As long as I'm in Disney World, there's no sense in going home until you've ridden all the rides in the theme park'.
During the past few days, he had lived with gays only...talked with them, joked with them, cried with them, 'gone out on the town' with them. even had a blow job from one of them...and he had to admit, he'd enjoyed every minute with them. No one would ever know if he went to bed with Luke. They were two old friends, (well almost). 'Mark had loved Luke enough to have sex with him, so why not try it?' David said to himself over and over throughout the evening. He knew that Luke realized that he was inexperienced and if the sex was a total disaster, his excuse was already established.
To make David's first experience easier and less embarrassing, Luke turned off all the lights in the guest bedroom. It wasn't important that they see each other while they undressed since they had seen each other's nakedness earlier in the shower. Neither of them said a word. The only sound in the room was the ruffling of shirt buttons being undone; belts being unbuckled, and clothes dropping from their bodies, discarded on the floor. They eased down in the dark, on opposite sides of the huge bed, both still silent as they slid their bodies across the silk sheets to meet in the middle of the bed. Soon their arms went around the other's back and they kissed tenderly. As their bodies came closer, each was aware of the other's prominent erection.
Slowly, Luke rolled David onto his back, topping him from lips to toes. David was enthralled by Luke's delicate movements as Luke began to glide his kisses down David's chest, across his stomach, his pubes, and finally to David's hidden treasure. David shuddered with extreme pleasure as Luke took him into his mouth. It was the same thing Randy had done to him, but this time was definitely different because Luke was not trying to gratify either of them; Luke was showing David how it feels to make love. David only thought of Jenny once during Luke's action...the thought that it had never been like this with his fiancée or ever could. Luke was giving him a wondrous feeling that David had never felt before and much to his surprise, it seemed totally right to David. This is how lovemaking should feel.
While enjoying Luke's activity, David was trying to memorize ever detail so that he could reciprocate adequately when it was his turn. It was only a few minutes before David became aware he was about to reach a climax. Luke sensed it as well and slid his lips back up David's body until they were kissing once more.
"Can I do that to you?" David asked.
"Are you sure you want to? I mean--are you ready to try that?"
"I think so. Only please tell me if I'm doing anything wrong>"
"David, nothing you do could ever be wrong to me."
They switched positions and now Luke was on his back. Not giving himself time to hesitate and 'back out', David mimicked the trail Luke's lips had burned forever into his body and mind. When he reached Luke's massive manhood, there was no prolonged delay. David engulfed Luke's organ with his mouth. Luke didn't have to teach David what to do next. It just came naturally to him. He really wanted Luke...ALL of him...and he took all of him, all the way to his epiglottis.
"Oh, God!" Luke cried out.
Fearing that he had somehow hurt Luke, David stopped and pulled his head back until Luke's member was free.
"What's wrong?" David asked.
"NOTHING! Absolutely, NOTHING! Just don't stop!"
Luke's outcry of heightened pleasure gave David confidence and the incentive to swallow Luke's organ even further. This was David's first time and apparently he had passed the test. Luke writhed and moaned, occasionally gasping for air until he knew his peak was coming. He put his hand on David's head and tried to push it backward. Had Luke used both hands and both feet, nothing could have pried David from receiving Luke's orgasm. He wanted it! He had to have it! He wanted to know everything there was to learn about the joy of gay sex! Then, caution set aside, Luke released the flow of fluid and David felt the warm liquid going down his throat and farther. He didn't stop until Luke had no more to give.
David felt no shame or guilt as he exhaustedly returned to put his head on the pillow next to Luke, who was still panting for breath.
"Are you all right?" David whispered.
"No! I'll never be the same..." Luke gasped.
"Neither will I," David replied, to Luke AND to himself.
"God damn! David! Don't try to convince me that that was your first time!"
"I won't...but it was..."
"But where did you learn to..."
"I told you I did a lot of research at the college library."
"Dear God! You've got to give me a list of those books! You were incredible."
"I'm just glad that I pleased you."
" 'Pleased' is the understatement of the century! How do YOU feel?"
"Happy..."
"No regrets?"
"Not the least one."
"I'm the one who feels guilty..."
"Why?"
"Because you didn't get off first," Luke replied.
"We still have the rest of the night..."
"Thank God. After that, I think I owe you twice as much as you gave me."
"Let's just take it one step at a time. This might be my only chance and I want to make it last as long as I can."
"Are you...are you brave enough to try intercourse?"
"I'm not sure. I mean, I'm..."
"Oh, I don't mean me doing you, I want you to do me! Did you read anything in your books on that subject?"
"A little..."
"Oh, Lord, I might have just allowed myself to be murdered."
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Early light from the morning sun began to creep into the guest bedroom at 5:30 AM. During the past four hours, David had graduated with a diploma in gay sex. Once all inhibitions were gone between them, Luke patiently taught as much as he knew about the various ways of gay lovemaking. They were both pleasantly sated with physical exhaustion as David had his arm propped up with Luke's head resting upon it. The night was over. It was a new day. Luke wanted what had happened to never end. All the sleepless nights he had endured in masturbatory fantasies about David had become a reality...but the harshest part of the realism was that, in a few days, they both would be returning to Virginia and David would once again belong to Jenny and there was no place in the wedding picture for a third person...himself.
David, on the other hand, hadn't given another thought to Jenny. Was he gay now? Had he taken over for Mark in Luke's life? Was it possible for him to love another man?...Not just 'another man', but Luke? Had his feelings gone further than just gay physical sex? Granted, the sex and night with Luke had been wonderful, but would Luke be enough for him in a relationship or in later years? Of course there was no guarantee that his and Jenny's marriage would last because statistically over fifty-percent of all marriages end in divorce. Holy shit! What would his parents say, especially his dad, once they learned that they had two gay sons? Would his dad disown him and cut off his tuition? Would he ever be able to lift his head and look at the people of River Oaks again? Looking at things in another way, was it possible for him or anyone to fall in love after just one night of bliss?
David nudged Luke's head with his upper arm and said, "Are you ready to get some sleep?"
"I think we both need it."
"So do I..."
"David?"
"Yes?"
"After tonight...?"
"Yes, what about it?"
"Is...is this the end?"
"That's what I've been thinking about..."
"Did you come to any kind of decision?"
"Yes and no..."
"Meaning...?"
"I've been thinking how happy Mark would've been if you two could've found a way to stay together."
"I've wondered about that for years."
"Then I also asked myself if we...you and I, could be happy the same way. I mean, up until this week, I wasn't aware of my being gay in any way."
"David, it's not just being 'gay'. It's about how two people feel about each other, no matter what the gender. It's a matter of being in love and wanting to be that person-- 'THAT person' who makes you happy...'that person' with whom you would like to spend the rest of your life. Were you consciously aware of being hetero while you're with Jenny? Or did you just accept her as a person, not a female person?"
"Not consciously, no."
"I've always been gay, but I don't categorize myself. I'm a person who likes or maybe dislikes another person regardless whether he or she is male or female. It's a matter of who I want to be with...who I want to love."
"Knowing me as you did up until yesterday, Luke, did it ever occur to you that you could love me even though I was straight?"
"David, I loved Mark all the years we were together and after he left, all my love for Mark transferred itself to you in my dreams. Yes, I loved you yesterday and I love you more now, after the night we just spent together."
"And not just because we had sex?"
"As I said...I loved you always, believing that we would never have sex. When I saw you yesterday and you reminded me so much of Mark, I kept asking myself was I attracted to you or was it just a substitute for him? Then the longer we were together, I realized that Mark was gone forever and it wasn't his memory that drew me to you, it was you yourself...David."
"You do know that if we...we became companions, we're going to be in for a hard row to hoe. I still have to finish college and if my dad finds out about you and me, he'll treat me as he did Mark. I'd have to get a job or two to pay my tuition and support myself. Then there's Jenny. I don't know how the fuck to explain any of this to her. The people in River Oaks, my fraternity brothers, my friends and classmates are bound to turn against me. I'd practically be losing my whole world."
"But you'd be getting a whole new world. I'm sure Jenny loves you and no doubt you love her. I feel I can love you as much or more than she does and I'm ready to spend the rest of my life making you happy."
"But where would we live? Certainly not in River Oaks. What about my degree? What would we do for money?"
"David, I can't believe you'd want to stay in River Oaks after you graduate, with or without Jenny. There are millions of places we could live...here in Atlanta, New York, San Francisco, hell, even Paris! Your credits at college will transfer to any university you choose...and as for money...that's the least of our problems, thanks to Aunt Delia."
"Jesus, how much did she leave you?"
"You know what a seven digit bank account is?"
"Sure, I'm no dummy?"
"Well, multiply the seven-digits several times over!"
"You're that rich?"
"Richer! Even if you didn't finish college and never took a job, we have enough to travel around the world for the rest of our lives."
"I had no idea..."
"That's why I felt so bad about Mark. I could have had the best doctors in the universe doing all that they could to make him well again. Then, that day in the supermarket when Jenny told me where he had moved, it was too late already. Mark had already died and I suddenly wanted to knock aisles of groceries to the floor out of anger."
"I know. I was angry at him too. God knows, I couldn't have paid for the doctors and hospitals as I guess you could've, but I could have been with him to encourage him to get treatment. Fuck! You overcame the illness! Mark could have too!"
"So...what about us? You and me?"
"I...I have to call Chris, Mark's priest, to find out when the memorial service is going to be held and we'll have all that time until then to be together. Let's see how I feel then."
"We can still sleep together every night, can't we?"
"You'd better plan on it!"
"Good. Now kiss me good night or good morning and let's go to sleep!"
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David, Chris, and Thad decided to have a triple memorial service for Mark, Alex, and Steve Saturday evening, two nights from now. Invitations were sent only by word-of-mouth to all three's friends.
Todd, Marcia, and Andy continued helping Chris with the meal deliveries. Randy spent the following two nights at Thad's while, during the day, Randy made his phone calls which resulted in food donations from a host of new sources and restaurant equipment to assist in the meal preparation. However, Randy decided that the church's kitchen was too small, so he rented a warehouse and began to transform it into an independent food pantry where Chris would have ample room and supplies to do justice to the service. Randy even had an office built for himself...his FIRST office anywhere, so that he could oversee the operation.
David and Luke spent the next two evenings alone at Randy's as Randy was staying at Thad's. Luke remained nervous about David's decision which would be forthcoming after the memorial service. And David? David was loving just being around Luke.
Father 'D' finally learned the truth about Andy's diary, but was still reticent about asking Chris' forgiveness for the rash accusations he had made against Chris. Father 'D' did give Chris permission to use the church's smaller sanctuary for the Saturday evening memoriam.
Over one hundred friends, former lovers, and one-night tricks showed up Saturday night. A few minutes past eight in the evening, when everyone who was to attend was there, Chris arose from his chair and took his place at the podium to begin the eulogies.
After a few opening remarks, Chris said:
"Stephen Sondheim has earned and received every imaginable award...Tony, Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, Pulitzer, the Presidential Medal of Arts Award, the Olivier, on and on. He's been called a genius, Broadway's last and greatest composer/lyricist, and to all that I add the title of Master of the Metaphor because of his intricate use of the English language. "One such metaphor which Sondheim wrote appears toward the end of his musical, "Into The Woods". He was describing a tragic death, but all too soon, when he wrote, 'sometimes people leave you halfway through the wood..." 'Wood', meaning life. but then he goes on to comfort us by saying, 'No one is alone'.
"Mark, Alex, and Steve all left us 'halfway through the wood'. Quite often I've recited those lyrics or different parts of them while I stood by someone's bedside who was about to leave me halfway, especially, the final couplets, 'hard to see the light now, just don't let it go. Things will turn out right now. We can make it so...Someone is on your side. No one is alone.' I think that just about says it all. Neither they, nor we, are alone. We come together to comfort one another in times such as these...other times at celebrations. May that's why we call it the 'gay life' because we're supposed to be gay, no matter what hardship we must face.
"I'd like to say a few words about Steve, as I remember him. Most of you know that I have been in charge of supplying meals to various men and women who lost their food stamps or free meals with the new state and federal budget cuts. Steve was usually the last person on my morning and evening meal routes. Steve was almost the highlight of my day. His sarcasm and the wry wit he usually used to complain about the food which I had brought was merely an façade because Steve was one who didn't know how to say 'thank you', but I know he always appreciated my visits and everything that was done for him. Before he contracted AIDS, most of you remember Steve as being the life of the party, whether it was at a bar, at someone's home, or in his own apartment. I don't know if he ever had a lover before he became ill, but if he did, that lover must've had a wonderful time with him. When Mark, his roommate became sicker than Steve, Steve forgot about his own pain and became a regular Florence Nightingale to Mark. Mark couldn't've had a better friend or caretaker. Many nights when Steve was really too sick himself to be out of bed, he stayed by Mark's bedside the entire night just to make sure Mark was comfortable. Steve was a loving man, a kind man, a funny man...and he was my friend." The ensuing pause was broken by audible sobs.
Turning his face in Thad's direction, he said, "Thad, would you like to say a few words about Alex?"
"I'm not good at speeches, Chris, but I'll try," Thad said as he walked down to the front of the sanctuary. "As I remember Alex...well, as most of you remember Alex, he could be a real pain in the ass. Maybe he was perhaps many years too young to be my lover or maybe I wasn't mature enough to enter into a serious relationship, but I did try. I...I loved Alex, but it wasn't easy because Alex didn't know how to love me, or anyone else, back. Like Steve, Alex loved having fun and when that brand of 'fun' didn't seem to satisfy him any longer, he took his fun to the next level. God! Everyone in this room knows how good-looking he was and how sexy! Yes, he WAS sexy. He loved sex almost to the point of being insatiable. How he escaped HIV or AIDS is a mystery, but when he died, his autopsy showed him to be virus-free. Because I loved him, I think his untimely passing was meant to act as an example for guys like him...and I'm referring to his use of drugs. Sure, I'm a cop and I arrest drug users nightly. I...I've even arrested some of you. I arrested Alex twice, put him in a couple of drug rehabs...brought him home to live with me just so I could watch over him and take care of him, but I realize I failed him. It was if he had a suppressed death wish; maybe he just wasn't aware of it. I don't know of many other things I could have done to help him. Maybe some of you tried and failed as I did...but I won't forget him. I can't! I don't want any of you to forget him either. I want you to make his death mean something the next time you light up a joint, snort some coke, get high on smack or ecstasy...or if you see anyone else doing things like that, tell 'em what happened to a wonderful little guy...what he did...and where it led him. As I said, I loved him, but if he were here tonight and alive, I'd like to kick his butt. Yes, I'll remember him and I hope all of you will, too!"
Thad had begun his speech quietly and controlled. He choked back tears a couple of times and let his rage show at other times. He didn't know if his eulogy had been heard by those who needed to hear it, but he didn't take back a word and hoped that his friend Alex had not died in vain. He stopped and walked back to the back of the room. Chris walked back to the podium.
"I think everyone here knew Mark and I would like to ask Mark's brother, David, down from Virginia, to say something about Mark."
David was nervous and had practiced in his mind all the things he wanted to say but as soon as he walked up to the podium, everything he planned to say suddenly left him.
"Thank you, Chris," David said. He hesitated for a moment, then opened his heart and spoke. "Mark was my brother and we were close for the first sixteen years of his life. But the day he left Virginia to move to Atlanta and after I found out the reason why he left, I realized I hardly knew him at all. I think most of you who were his friends knew him better than I. After he left home, it was only by a dire circumstance that I found out he was gay. I'd always thought Mark and I were as close as two brothers could get, but he never confided or even hinted his sexuality to me. I was hurt...hurt because I felt he didn't trust me or feared that I would judge him and criticize his way of life. Who knows? Maybe I would've since that's the way I was brought up by my parents. I only assumed that Mark had been reared with the same ideas as I had." David paused to allow his heart to give him more words, and when he spoke again, his voice was quiet.
"Being perfectly honest with all of you, I was ashamed at first. I was also angry that my brother would stoop so low as to engage in sex with another male. To me, the mental picture I had was disgusting, revolting, and almost unforgivable. Having lived in a small Virginia town all my life, I had never known or even talked with a gay person...male or female. I mean, in my hometown, if it were known that a boy was gay, he would've been looked on the way someone looks and turns away when he sees a retarded child, an autistic child, or one with cerebral palsy. It wouldn't have surprised me if Jerry Lewis had included a special fund for gay boys on his Labor Day telethon each year. Mark could NOT have been that way! I just refused to believe it. I talked with him a few times on the phone and he said everything he could to open my eyes and learn to accept him as he was.
"So the logical thing to do, as with any abnormal affliction, was to go to the library and read all about the history, symptoms, traits, and possible cures for homosexuality. It took months and many volumes of information before I came to realize that Mark had no choice in the matter any more than if he had been born without an arm or a leg. My biggest mistake and the one that I'll regret to my dying day is that I didn't come down here to Atlanta to see him and get to know the 'real' Mark...the one that all of you knew and I didn't! Me. His brother.
"I'm afraid Mark was a much better brother to me than I ever was to him. That's why it sounds almost hypocritical to say that I loved him more than anyone else in my life...but I never showed him how I felt.
"During my stay in Atlanta this week, I've gotten to know just what it means to be gay. I've been staying nightly with gay guys and I've come to realize that all gays, maybe gays from all over the world, are like members of a huge fraternity. Because you are beaten down and abused by society and by special laws, you have to come to one another's defense since there's no big leader such as a President, a governor, or even a mayor to give you support. They, as I did in ignorance, look at gays as if they were lepers who should be cast away on some remote island, far away from the heterosexual world, and maybe you would be forgotten when the last of you died out...since gays don't procreate.
"Now I'll tell all of you something which may not interest you, or to some, may even shock you, but this week, I had my very first gay experience...and all the books I've read on the subject are totally useless and worthless after you've held a man and been held in his arms. All I could think was, 'God! No wonder the straight world fights homosexuality because once you've tried it, there's no going back! It had to be the most wonderful and memorable moment of my life. I'm just mad as hell that Mark's not here to let me share every vivid detail with him.
"At one of the places I've been staying down here, my host has a rather large CD collection and a couple of nights ago, he played a song by the Seattle Men's Chorus. It was called, 'As I Remember Him'. I cried when I heard it because every line of the lyrics reminded me of Mark. I listened to it over and over until I grabbed a piece of paper and jotted down the lyrics as fast as I could. I would like to read them to you now as a special tribute to Mark, my brother. Although I didn't know Alex and barely knew Steve, maybe these words written by the late Portia Nelson will enable you to reflect on Alex and Steve as well."
David's voice trembled as he read the song:
"As I remember him, he had a gentle way.
He was so bright of mind, I can't find words to say.
He turned the darkest day into a world of gold.
He made things younger when they were growing old.
As I remember him, he was a loving man.
I knew it well because, where he was, life began.
And if you knew him, you would understand just why.
As I remember him, I cry.
And though I loved the boy for such a little while,
It was so wonderful.
It was so beautiful.
As I remember him, I smile."
David left the podium with unashamed tears streaming down his face and went back to sit with Luke, who grabbed David's hand and gave it a squeeze. It was Chris' turn now to speak the final words of the service. "Thank you, David, thank you, Thad, and thank you all for coming. It's not easy saying goodbye to someone you love. That is why we all have gathered together, but tonight the grief and heartbreak is tripled because it's just not 'one' someone, but three...three of our closest friends...Mark, Alex, and Steve. The fact that all three were born gay merely bonds them in the brotherhood of all gays. Though we are all different, born with different likes, dislikes, talents, and often with varied status quo positions, we all still share a common brotherhood that is trying diligently to find an equal path in today's society.
"Mark and Alex were inflicted with what are called gay diseases. Alex, although his illness was the type that couldn't be found under a microscope, was fighting the endless battle of homosexual acceptance...a place where he should have had no reason to hide or try to escape. And yet all three were very young and should have had decades to live and enjoy. Each seemed to welcome his death as a way to rid himself of the pain and mental anguish that befall many gay people.
"To me, the only thing worse than having a friend die is having a friend who wants to die. That's when it becomes incomparably more difficult for us, the survivors. We ask ourselves did we do all that we could for our friend to give him a reason to live, if for only one more day? Looking from another perspective, did we love him enough to want to him to live one more day, only to endure his constant misery? Was it our selfishness that wanted him to stay with us because of the loneliness we would experience once he was finally gone? Did I offer him enough love and friendship for him to want to stay with me another day?
"These are things for us to decide. Mark, Alex, and Steve, they each made their decisions. I'm sure they loved us, but I suppose all three thought that THEY had had enough and they searched for final peace and freedom.
"They were gay and there are those, many of whom are world-renowned religious leaders, who would say that, by 'choosing' a gay lifestyle, they forfeited any chance for an eternity with God. I can't say that myself, not because I'm sure they weren't committing a sin against God for living the way they did, but even though I'm a minister of the cloth, I don't know for sure if they forfeited anything. There is no guarantee of an eternity after death...no proof that there's a heaven or a hell...I don't know and neither do those world-wide renown religious leaders. They have no more sure promise of a hereafter than any of us.
"I'm reminded of a song which won the late Peggy Lee a Grammy, 'Is That All There Is?' This song was banned by many radio stations for play when it was first released back in the sixties because it questioned the Christian afterlife. Toward the end of the number, Peggy sang, 'I know what you must be saying to yourselves...If that's the way she feels about it why doesn't she just end it all? Oh, no. Not me. I'm in no hurry for that final disappointment, for I know just as well as I'm standing here talking to you, when that final moment comes and I'm breathing my last breath, I'll be saying to myself, 'Is that all there is?'
"We choose the Holy Bible as our guide to perfection, which everyone knows doesn't and can't exist. In the Old Testament, the tribes of Israel were unmanageable. So laws had to be set down. Laws with punishment...sometimes so severe, the punishment would be dying and spending all eternity in a lake of fire...or worse, to spend life alone and absent from the Almighty.
"If you count backward in Jewish history, then Adam and Eve lived in the garden of Eden around six-thousand years ago. Christ was born two-thousand years ago, King David, approximately six-hundred years before Christ; Moses around six-hundred years before David...keep going back and you do the math.
"Yet we're finding skulls, skeletons, and relics dating back almost a billion years. So, if the God of Abraham dates back five-thousand years, then how old is God and when did eternity begin for everyone who died since Adam and Eve?
"We live by faith...faith that the Jewish scribes knew what they were talking about and that there IS a life after death. But that's when an atheist's reasonable doubt comes into the picture. The modern Christians base their beliefs on the King James version of the Bible. If you know your history, King James was a merry old soul and not a very good king. He wanted to do SOMETHING to be remembered by, so he assembled some sixteen-thousand scribes and translators to assemble what we know as the King James Version. On the designated date, all books which were finished were set in place with 'nothing to be added'. There were over a dozen books which didn't make his deadline and some churches, including the Anglican and Episcopal include them in their 'complete' Bible.
"Christians take every word at face value exactly as the King James writers set them down on paper, but then they interpret every word, every verse, and every chapter as they see fit, twisting them into a dozen variations and NO ONE knows who's right. Each sect insists that IT is right...IT is the only way...the GOSPEL!
"So...did Mark, Alex, and Steve find peace with God? No one can actually say. My earnest prayer is that they all found peace...period! Peace from their pain, their physical, mental, and emotional torture. I find myself having to forgive them for 'wanting to die'. I will miss them. All of you will miss them. But none of us would want them back for our own selfish motives, only to have them suffer through another day just because we wanted to have them around us.
"I'll remember them as they were before they got sick...when they had fun and were fun to be around...their jokes, their music, even the problems which they shared with us, especially problems we could help solve. If anything, everyone who's gathered here to remember them would like to give them each a hug, an embrace, a kiss, or even have a dance with them. That's the way I'll remember each of them.
"And now, I would like to take a few more minutes of your time, away from the service for our three friends to tell you them I'm quitting the priesthood. Partially because of my three friends, Mark, Alex, and Steve. Being a priest requires a dedication and sacrifice that sets the religious aside from regular normal human beings. The Church AND the parishioners set us upon a pedestal. If one of us strays or does something that a normal person would do, then we are criticized twice as much because we are put 'on high' to be role models and supposedly above reproach.
"We can only love God...and after much thought, I don't believe that's the way God meant it to be. Most of the apostles were married with children and Christ called them to serve Him and maintain a family. I feel that I have served in my capacity as assistant rector of St. Thaddeus to the best of my ability. My thoughts remained holy and reverent for as long as a 'super human's' thoughts can. But I know now that there is nothing 'super' about me, I am human...a human with human needs and desires. I am sure the majority of celibate 'super humans' feel as I do from time to time, perhaps ALL the time, but I find this unfair and in some ways cruel. How can we be human role models when we are not allowed to feel and be human? The adage, 'it takes one to know one', cannot apply in this instance as we are not supposed to be like other humans.
"Needless to say, I was gay...and very actively gay before I became a priest but is it fair for me to go 'cold turkey' overnight...never to have sex, to kiss and hold someone close to me at night and instead try to convince myself that's it's best to deny my humanly lusts and needs, just because the Church cannot adjust to the twenty-first century? Who knows? If I'm wrong and there IS a hell, then maybe I can elevate my position to be hell's gatekeeper.
"This week, I discovered love and what it feels like to be in love and I must say it's wonderful and I don't feel that I'm blaspheming when I say that love comes from God and humans are supposed to experience it and feel it. I'm not a graying bishop or cardinal-to-be and I hope and pray that one day the Church wakes up and pays some attention to its own, just as we are supposed to pay attention to those whom we serve, such as all of you.
"Earlier this week, I googled a phrase on the computer, 'Time is no friend of mine' and found dozens of second lines to that phrase from people such as John Lennon to the Dalai Lama, but I suddenly wanted to cry out, 'Time, be my friend!' since time is so precious to all of us. No one knows when his time will run out or the time we share with a friend, a lover, a relative, or an acquaintance! I say to you, embrace the time we have...to ourselves and one another and make each moment of time important. I urge all of you to make time your friend and keep it in your daily thoughts. Our three friends whom we're here to remember tonight were all too young to leave us. Time is never in the present, for in an instant, it's already passed. Future time is gone almost as quickly. So, from this moment, my new motto will be, 'Time be my friend'. Don't let a second pass while filling it with something you'll regret. Time is the period we're given to make memories. Time spent...time shared...but never time wasted.
"Perhaps this wasn't the time for me to say all of this, but if souls live after death even in a time-lock, then I wanted Mark, Alex, and Steve to hear it from me now.
Chris asked everyone to stand for a final benediction for their dearly departed brothers. Neither he nor anyone else verbally spoke, as they all silent farewells. each in his own thoughts and remembrances...and then Chris quietly said, "Amen".
Many of Mark's friends came up to David and introduced themselves, saying how much Mark was loved and how greatly he'd be missed. David, in turn, thanked them with a handshake, a hug, and a few kisses on the cheek. Most didn't know if David was gay or not. David took their heartfelt condolences as meaning he was accepted by them as if he were now one of them.
Chris remained at the church after everyone was gone. He had a very important letter to write. David, Luke, Randy, and Thad all left to go to Randy's apartment for a drink. It was Saturday night when Randy and Thad usually went to a gay bar or two, but since they had just come from the memorial service, they all thought it best to have a drink at Randy's. This was actually the first time the four of them had been alone together to converse. David and Luke sat close to one another on one sofa while Thad sat on the opposite sofa. He was soon joined by Randy as soon as Randy had fixed the drinks. Each of them having a glass in his hand, they raised them high to toast the three departed amigos, amantes, y hermano (friends, lovers, and brother).
"So," Randy began, "when are you two going back to Virginia. It's not like I want you to go. Hell, it would be all right with me if the two of you moved down here permanently."
"If we get a flight out tomorrow, I should be back in class on Monday," David replied.
"What about you, Luke? I understand that you're not enrolled in college just now? Would you like to stay a while longer? The room and board are dirt cheap."
"Honestly, I don't know, Randy. David and I have some more talking to do and then it'll be up to him to make the decision whether I go with him or not."
"Can I put my two cents' worth in?" Thad asked.
"Sure..."
"I've only known David less than a week, and I hardly know you at all, Luke. The one common bond that all four of us has is Mark. We all loved Mark on different levels...brother, friend, lover, and ex-lover. It's none of my business but if Mark were here, he would want the two of you to get together. I'm no dummy. Neither is Randy, but both of us know that the two of you have been sharing the same bed for the past three nights. Randy's bed hasn't been touched. It's not that cold outside and Randy's apartment is well heated. So I can be sure that you haven't been sleeping together to keep warm. Which brings up the obvious...I'm no romantic, but I am a damned good detective and it's quite plain to see that, by the way you look at each other, something more than just a longtime friendship has bonded the two of you. I would say that one of you--or both--has fallen in love with the other."
Thad's blatant remark made David and Luke drop their heads with embarrassment. Randy kept looking at one and then the other to see how each or both would respond to Thad's keen observance.
"David, I know that you're straight or so you say. Hell, you practically had banners strung up all over my apartment with your assertion. But there was a time when I said the same thing. I was a cop and I had to be straight. I dated only women and even fucked half of them. But one dark-driven night when I had spent an hour or so trying to get some bitch to reach an orgasm, I looked down at her and thought, 'What in the fuck am I doing? I'm not enjoying this at all!' I got up, dressed, and went to the nearest gay bar, picked up the roughest, toughest, hombre I'd ever seen and I went home with him and fucked him the rest of the night. I couldn't stop. I reached one climax after another and that's when I realized that I was gay. No more women for me. I was a real man who liked having sex with real men and if anyone in my precinct didn't like it, they could go fuck themselves and I told them as much. After that, I gained my co-policemen's respect and they accepted me as I am, not as I'd tried to be for them. You can't live your life for someone else's selfish reason. It's your life and you have control over your own destiny and no one else has that right."
"What about the two of you?" David asked, hoping to draw the attention away from him and Luke.
"Us?" Randy said. "Thad and I are going to move in together. Not here and not at his place. We've decided to buy or build a home and decorate it room by room, piece by piece to our own liking. Thad will have someone to come home to after playing cops and drug dealers all day and night. Me, I'm gonna spend as much time as possible organizing the meal service and see that all those guys get proper nutrition and decent tasty food. I already have food, equipment, and money donations running out of my kazoo...so no more soup and PBJ sandwiches for an HIV patient to try and survive on, if the budget permits---and I know damned well it will---then they can expect steak, lobster, broiled fish, fresh vegetables, and drop-dead desserts from now on!"
"God, Randy, that sounds wonderful!" David exclaimed.
"It surely doesn't sound like the old Randy!" Thad replied. "I'm not exactly sure what brought about the change in him, but somehow during this past week, I discovered that I have fallen in love with the good-looking jerk!"
"I could say that I love him too," Randy added, "but he would forget the real reason why I wanted to get together with him. It was cheaper to hook up and live with a policeman than it was to hire a permanent security guard to keep me and my money safe."
"Oh, so you think I don't love you but only your money, huh?"
"Thad, I would give away my last dollar to keep you with me from now on." Randy's voice and eyes showed that this was a completely honest statement, made from the heart.
"Looks like the two of you have everything worked out between you," Luke said.
"We do, Luke, but what about you two?" Thad pressed on.
"Whatever we decide tonight, you'll be the first to know in the morning, that is, if you're going to spend the night in Randy's bedroom."
"Might as well since this is now my second home. God! I love saying that!"
"Well, children, why don't we call it a night and all go beddy-bye and let the two of you talk through your decision?" Randy suggested. "In the meantime, Thad and I will find SOMETHING to do in our bedroom."
The two couples arose from the sofas and exchanged hugs and each went into their perspective bedroom. Thad and Randy closed their door and soon the sound of silly giggling was heard. David went into the guest room while Luke followed glumly.
"What's the matter?" David asked Luke.
"I feel like a convict who's supposed to die tomorrow and this is his last night to spend in his cell."
"What do you mean?"
"David, we both know that this is our last night together forever. Tomorrow, Jenny will be there to meet you at the airport. You'll give her a big hug and a kiss and that will be the end of me. You probably won't turn around to say goodbye."
"Is that the only scenario you can envision?"
"It's the only one I can expect."
"Why don't we go to bed and discuss this at length?"
"We can, but once we get in bed, we'll start fooling around...and yes, that's exactly what we'll do...fool around...only you'll be fooling me."
"You can't visualize my choosing you over Jenny?"
"Not in this world or the next. Remember I've already had one Stanley brother to walk away from me, now I'll have two."
"Please, let's take off our clothes and lie down. OK?"
"All right."
Both remained totally silent as they undressed down to the skin and crawled into the bed. Keeping their heads on separate pillows, they exchanged long glances. Luke appeared as if he was about to cry.
"Luke, suppose we DID become a couple. Where would you like to live? We both know it would be better if we moved far away."
"If I thought you meant that and if it were possible...next door to Randy and Thad's house which they plan to build. Heck, I don't know. We could lease or buy THIS apartment from Randy. There are dozens of colleges and universities in the Atlanta area. Don't worry about your dad and the tuition. I'll gladly pay all your bills. I'll even put my money in a joint account so that half of it will be yours...then you can buy anything you want and pay for it our of OUR account."
"Boy, you sure do drive a mean bargain to get your way, don't you?"
"God damn it, David, don't you see I love you?" Luke's tears blurred his vision.
"Well, God damn it, Luke, can't you see that I love you too?"
"Oh, fuck! Do you really mean that?"
"Bet your bottom dollar I do."
"Oh, Jesus! I feel like shouting!"
"Don't! Thad might come running in here with his gun drawn thinking I'm killing you."
"Let him shoot me! I'll die happy for once in my life!"
"Will you stop talking and kiss me?" David asked.
"Now and every day for the rest of our lives."
Luke leapt into David's waiting arms and smothered him with kisses which led into an hour of lovemaking until both were literally exhausted.
"I don't think I'll live very long if every night is going to be like this!" David said finally, his face buried in Luke's shoulder.
"Don't worry, I've got a pamphlet that tells me how to survive you."
"Hey, do you think we SHOULD go back to Virginia tomorrow?"
"And let your dad start trying to take away what we have? No! We should stay another week or two! Randy won't mind. Starting Monday, you can scout around for whichever school you'd like to transfer into. Hell, what's in Virginia that we don't have here? We have plenty of clothes or we can buy new ones. We have a place to stay, with plenty of good southern restaurants to try...but most of all, we have each other. It's funny that Thad saw it before you did."
"I...I felt it all along, Luke, I was just afraid to admit it to myself."
"What? That you're gay now?"
"No, that I'm human!"
<><><><><><><><><><><>
Chris sat alone at his desk in his room adjacent to the church. He was writing a letter, pausing from time to time to formulate the phrases he wished to say. When he was through, he found he'd written only a few short paragraphs. In the letter, he had written:
"My dearest little Andy:
Writing this note has been a difficult task, but it is necessary and important. First, I want to thank you for allowing me to find my true feelings about me and the world around me. You helped to make me realize that I could love and be loved by someone whom I really cared about. The night we spent together at Steve's will be branded indelibly in my memory forever. I'd forgotten how it felt to be close to someone, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I hope that now you are confident of being accepted by an individual who does or will love you in the future.
The second purpose of this letter is to say goodbye as I will be gone by the time you read this. I know that somewhere in the world, there is someone waiting only for me...just as you will know him when you see him. I could lie to you and say that age doesn't make a difference, but it does...to me as it should to you. I'm certain that when you go to college in the fall, you're going to meet lots of nice young men your own age. Be careful which of them you choose, but go out and have fun...clean fun. I don't have to worry about you and drugs or safe sex. You met hundreds of clients on the meal runs to see what the drugs and unsafe sex can do to you.
Don't ever believe that I didn't love you during the times we shared so closely during the past two years when we worked side by side and more recently as our relationship became more intimate. If you were in your early to mid-twenties, finished with college, I would happily have chosen you to be my partner for life. You're intelligent, good-looking, and take it from me, you're sexy, but remember when it comes to finding your partner, no external asset matters. It's what you feel in your heart, for that's where love comes from. Someone, somewhere, is going to feel what's coming from your heart the way you sense the same from him and it's going to be the most wondrous thing you've ever known. If it's right, you both will know it at the same time and nothing else will matter. Don't let anyone or anything deny you the right to love. It's your life and yours only. Don't be steered by your parents or strayed by society, friends, or peers. He's the only thing that is important to you and you to him and your love will last throughout all eternity.
Some day in the distant future, I hope we will meet once more to reminisce on the good times we shared. You're lucky to have Todd and Marcia for parents. They support you in every way, including your sexuality. So don't hesitate to discuss with them any problem that might arise.
You will remain in my thoughts and prayers from now on, as I hope you will remember me in yours. Go into the world, my little one, and be happy.
Love,
Chris"
<><><><><><><><>
Chris addressed the envelope to Andy's house. Then he packed his few worldly clothes, not priestly vestments, turned out the lights, went to his car and drove down the street, stopping only at the corner mailbox to mail the letter. Finally, he set off to find his 'someone'. He was now a man, not a priest.
fin.