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"AS I REMEMBER HIM"
A story by
Ritch Christopher
"I knew it well because, where he was, life began."
Portia Nelson (1995)
Chapter Five
Felix Sizemore, the owner/undertaker at The Final Rest Stop Mortuary, happened to be a good friend of Father Chris. He also just happened to be an old closet queen, a fact that he had revealed to Father Chris in the confessions he made every Thursday evening at St. Thaddeus. Chris had never admonished Felix for his gay activities, for they were actually harmless. Felix was still a virgin at the age of fifty-two. His 'sinful' activities? He made regular visits to the 'Vane', but just to watch the young men dance, always leaving the gay bar alone, carrying with him enough fantasies stored in his memory to put him to sleep. Was he gay or was he only guilty of impure thoughts on which he never acted? Chris often wondered how his own situation differed from Felix's, and so he never rendered a judgment or penance on Felix after his confession. Felix did keep one dark secret from Father Chris, one that could get him arrested as well as losing his undertaker's license. Felix had embalmed hundreds of young men who had died from AIDS or any of a hundred other things which had taken their lives far too soon. He always wore disposable gloves, but he always seemed to take a longer time than necessary, washing the young male cadavers. Felix never had sex with a corpse, but he had a predilection that bordered on necrophilia.
No one had ever seen him, since he was extremely discreet but nonetheless he often pleasured himself while touching a lifeless penis. He thought that this was one sin for which God would have to judge him directly, as no man or priest would ever learn of his surreptitious actions. To counteract his feeling of abasement, Felix offered cut-rates on caskets, funeral arrangements, and cremations to indigent young men. The profit margin he lost was easily replaced by raising his prices to adults with burial insurance.
Felix had known Mark ever since Mark's first visit to the 'Vane', nearly two years ago. Mark had often been the object of midnight fantasies for Felix and so he was more than willing to cremate Mark for the nominal fee that SSI paid...a little over two-hundred-fifty dollars. David was very grateful and thanked Felix.
Felix told David he would have to go to the morgue and sign a release so that Felix could pick up Mark's body and a second form to permit Mark to be cremated. David was agreeable and said he and Chris would go directly to the morgue as soon as they left the mortuary. However, Felix reminded him,there was the matter of an urn or receptacle in which to store Mark's ashes. On these, Felix didn't offer a discount to anyone. If a family member could afford a five-hundred dollar urn, or something nicer,up to a two-thousand copper container, Felix was more than happy to show them his wares.
"What if I don't want to keep Mark's ashes? What if I want to strew them in a field or lake? What kind of container would suffice?"
"Oh!" Felix said, trying to cover his disappointment, "I...I do have the cardboard containers which are supplied by UPS when I have to ship the remains to another address."
"Felix, what do you charge for a goddamned cardboard box?" Chris asked, getting a bit edgy.
"I suppose maybe ten dollars," Felix replied, lying through his teeth.
"Would a cardboard box suit you?" Chris asked David.
"I...I suppose. I mean, I still don't know..."
"SOLD!" Chris said to Felix firmly. "Now, Felix, as long as I'm here, Thad Burton may be stopping by here looking for a similar deal for Alex..."
"Alex passed?"
"Last night."
"Oh, my Lord, I'm so sorry to hear that..."
"What I want to know, Felix," Chris continued, "Can Thad get the same deal for Alex that you gave to David, here, for Mark?"
"Well, I don't know...probably," Felix squirmed.
"'Probably', my ass. I want you to give Thad the same price or you'll have more than a penance to pay come Thursday when you come to confess."
Felix's body drew up into a knot. 'How much does Father Chris know about.. you-know-what...?' Felix asked himself. "Sure, Father! Tell Thad to drop by anytime."
"Thanks, Felix, you're a true Catholic. God bless you!" Chris said, taking his hand and signing the cross at Felix.
"Thank you, Father."
David and Chris left Felix's mortuary to head toward the county morgue. "Boy, you surely were rough on him..." David said, once they were inside the car.
"Aw, Felix loves authority. If he ever came out of the closet, he'd probably go to the nearest S&M club to get beaten or spanked. He'd love it!"
"Felix is gay?"
"David, I can't believe how naive you are. Felix practically has a neon sign on his back flashing, 'men only'."
"He...he WAS a bit effeminate, but that doesn't necessarily make him..."
"He is", Chris interrupted,"...only he doesn't know how to activate his gay membership card."
"Are you serious? There are membership cards...?"
"David, are you sure you're not from WEST Virginia...one of those mountain rubes?"
"My naiveté again?"
"With a capital 'N'!"
David grinned ruefully. "Chris, I want to thank you for getting Mark that special deal at Felix's."
"Felix will still make money, don't worry," Chris replied. "All kidding aside, he really has been a great help to the gay community with his low prices. Back in the mid-eighties when HIV and AIDS scared the hell out of everyone, no funeral home or undertaker would even consider taking a body with AIDS...that is until Felix stepped up and said he wasn't afraid. He was the only undertaker who would deal with the victims for several years until the general public got better educated...and especially after AIDS began to show up in prominent social neighborhoods. Back then, AIDS was a gay disease for low-lifes and unclean participants. Then word got out that one of the City Councilmens' daughters died from it. That scandal nearly ripped the dome off city hall. Suddenly, all the more expensive erudite funeral parlors were practically making bids for her body. Among the rich, it had almost become a status symbol. Stupid-ass jerks!"
"Chris, would I offenc you if I say that your vocabulary shocks me a bit? I never heard a member of the clergy use profanity..."
"Hell! Priests smoke, drink, do everything, I suppose, except sex. Some of us get caught doing that, too. Swearing or cursing is no greater sin for us than for the rest of humanity." Having gone that far, he thought he might as well let it all out. "They're using words like shit, pussy, and goddamn on the FX channel now. 'Fuck' is just around the corner. You ever watch 'NYPD Blue'? The next-to-last season, Sipowitz was getting by wi9th saying 'bullshit' and 'balls' on ABC network."
"Chris, am I that out-of-touch with the real world?"
"Let's just say that in the two days I've known you, I've learned that your brother was a bit more in step with reality than you are. No offense!"
"Even after two years, I still can't figure out why Mark was...you know, the way he was. We were so much alike...or at least I thought we were."
"Don't sell yourself short. I'm sure you know more about the female anatomy than Mark ever knew."
"I guess you're right. Come to think of it, Mark never said ANYTHING about having sex with a girl."
"And apparently he never mentioned having sex with a boy either?"
"No...no, he didn't...and, y'know, somehow that hurts me. It's as if he couldn't trust me to..."
"To let you know he was gay?"
"Yes."
"And IF he had told you? What would you have done? Condone or condemn?"
"Condemn, I suppose," David told himself.
"Then you've just answered your own question. That's why he never told you." David looked at Chris, and then sat silent for the balance of the trip to the morgue.
David was wrapped in his thoughts, till he looked up to realize they had arrived at that gloomy pile of stone. He and Chris went inside, saw the coroner's secretary to whom David showed his I.D. so that he could sign the designated forms for Felix to pick up Mark and cremate him. When they were exited the morgue, David felt relieved for the first time in two days. At least a decision had been made...good, bad, or indifferent, and David felt more grown-up, having taken an adult stand on a very delicate matter.
David and Chris got back into the car. With the requirements met at the coroner's office and preliminary arrangements made for Mark's transport to Felix's, the rest of the afternoon was free until Chris had to return to begin evening-meal duties. Chris was suddenly aware that he was looking forward to spending the rest of the afternoon with his Virginia guest.
"David, would you like to go somewhere and have lunch?"
"I know I should eat and I also know that you must be hungry, but would I be imposing too much by asking you to take me to Thad's?"
"Not at all..."
"I just want to make sure he's all right and tell him about your deal with Felix."
"I can see you're always the 'caregiver', wanting to help others in YOUR time of need," Chris replied.
"You're the caregiver, not I..."
"You know, you're right, I should go check on Thad myself."
Chris started the car and they headed toward Thad's apartment. His hopes of getting better acquainted with David were temporarily dashed and he was slightly miffed, but he refused to let his disappointment show. Once again, Chris questioned himself, 'Do I feel that Thad is becoming my rival? Rival? That's a strange thing to say...I'm a priest. I have no designs on David. But why do I feel as I do? Am I THAT attracted to Mark's straight brother? And why am I feeling this tinge of jealousy?'. Thoughts of this nature crowded Chris' mind all the way to Thad's while very little conversation passed between him and David. David, on the other hand, kept trying to reassure himself that he had made the right decision about Mark's body. He was still wrestling mentally and emotionally, and it was compounded by a certain amount of guilt at not having called his parents to inform them of Mark's passing.
Chris recognized Thad's car in front of the address as they drove up, causing Chris to slightly curse inwardly. He had hoped that possibly Thad wouldn't be home. He parked behind Thad's car and he and David walked into the apartment house and knocked on Thad's door.
Thad opened the door, wearing only a pair of boxers, no shoes or socks. Chris had never seen this much of Thad's body and was instantly overwhelmed by Thad's physique and his unconcious display of rugged, but handsome, masculinity.
"Hello, Father...David...come on in..." Thad said.
"Thanks, Thad" David said.
"I...I just got off the phone to Chattanooga, I was trying to tell Alex's brother what happened," Thad offered.
"Were you successful in reaching him?" Chris asked, earnestly.
"Yes and no. I wasn't able to talk with him directly...the little son-of-a-bitch is incarcerated...locked up for armed robbery in a convenience store."
"Good heavens!" Chris said.
"I called a detective in Chattanooga, a friend of mine, and told him the situation. Then Chuck, my friend, made a trip over to the Hamilton County jail to tell Jerry, Alex's brother, about Alex. After he had talked with Jerry, Chuck called me back on his cell phone."
"And...?"
"The prick told Chuck he didn't give a fuck what happened to his faggot brother...said he was glad Alex was dead. When Chuck asked him what to do about Alex's body, Jerry said, burn it...his soul's gonna be burning in hell, so burn his fucking body!"
"That's awful," Chris said, commiserating with Thad.
"So I guess it's up to me to decide what to do..."
"Maybe we can help, Thad," David said softly.
David told Thad about everything that he and Chris had accomplished earlier concerning Mark's body and all about the meeting with Felix and about the prearranged deal Chris had made, just in case Thad wanted to follow suit. Thad seemed somewhat relieved but said, "Hell, I don't think Alex was on SSI or that he was getting any financial aid from the government. I don't think he'll qualify for burial assistance. It's OK. I'll pay Felix myself. That's the least I can do."
"Thad," Chris interjected, "Alex was a member of St. Thaddeus' and his death was not ruled a suicide, but an overdose. I don't see any reason why we couldn't have a service for Alex at the church. I'm sure lots of his friends would like to honor him."
"I'm not much for funerals, Father. You know that. Still it might be the proper thing to do." Then Thad looked at David. "What about Mark?"
"Mark, although a practicing Catholic, was not actually a baptized convert. However, if we forego a funeral mass, there's no reason why we couldn't have a memorial service for both of them."
"I'd like that..." Thad said. "How does that sound to you, David?"
"That's...that's fine," David replied, cheerfully pleased through his somberness.
"Then I suggest, Thad, that you go to see Felix this afternoon as soon as possible," Chris said. "I'm not sure how you can get Alex released to you...?"
"Let me handle that. I can pull a few strings at the coroner's office. That old bastard owes me more favors than he can ever repay. I won't have a problem getting Alex's body or permission for his cremation. Hell, it would cost the county more if they put Alex in a wooden box and planted him in potter's field."
"David, if Thad is going to Felix's, what do you want to do? I mean, earlier you mentioned something about checking into a hotel..."
"Thanks, Chris, but I...I think I'll stay here with Thad..." and turning to Thad to complete his sentence. "that is,...if your offer is still good...?"
"Of course it is. Hell, you can stay the rest of the week or a whole month if you like."
These were words Chris really didn't want to hear, for, in spite of Chris' vow of celibacy, he had been more than attracted looking at Thad's almost naked body. Even when Thad sat and the fly of Thad's boxers opened slightly, Chris tried to look in another direction, but the darkness hidden in the fly-opening drew Chris' eyes as a magnet would draw iron shavings. Surely David must feel some kind of attraction to Thad?...any man would...gay or straight. 'Bi-curious'? Was that the 'in' phrase? Weren't all men drawn to look at manly physiques and perfect bodies? It was an automatic response...or it should be with most men! Twice during the conversation with Thad, David had casually shifted his legs to hide his straining erection caused by looking at Thad's near-naked body.
"In that case, I'll be off to the church to tend my flock and leave you two to matters at hand," Chris said, walking to the door with his back to Thad and David, hoping they wouldn't notice the barely concealed protrusion in Chris' black trousers. "If either of you needs me, I'll be at the church until five. Please don't hesitate to call...EITHER of you."
"Thanks, Father..." Thad said, followed by David's, "Thanks, Chris, for all that you did for me today. Maybe we can meet later when you get back from your evening-meal route."
"That would be nice..." Chris replied and then left.
"Chris was so helpful this afternoon."
"He's a great guy, David," Thad said, and then he grinned devilishly. "I suppose I should feel guilty for playing a trick on him."
"What trick? I didn't notice..."
"I'm saying I should have put on a shirt and a pair of pants instead of teasing him with my near-naked body."
"What do you mean?"
"I forgot...you're straight! You wouldn't notice the hardon Chris was trying to hide while we talked. His eyes were practically glued to my crotch. Once I almost laughed out loud."
"Surely, you don't mean...."
"David, David, Father Chris might not be a practicing homosexual, but he is still a man...a GAY man with human feelings and desires, just like the rest of us...well, the rest of gay men like myself." Then Thad got a small smirk on his face. "I...I didn't notice you looking at my crotch..."
David blushed, "No...no, I didn't. God, I...I hope you don't feel insulted."
"I don't...well, maybe slightly. I'm more used to men looking at me than trying NOT to look. Certainly not even noticing....."
"You enjoy being an exhibitionist?"
"Sometimes, especially when I know my exhibition is not going to lead anywhere...like a hop in the sack for a quick fuck or blow-job."
Thad's remarks caused David's initial blush to deepen even more and he felt the need to change the subject ASAP. "I hope my not looking wasn't a blow to your ego."
"It was...but I'll get over it." Thad laughed. "I...I'm really glad you decided to stay with me. I realize what a dump my place really is...I mean you would be more comfortable staying in an environment to which you're more accustomed."
"Well, a hotel costs money...and I'm a college student..."
"Is that the only reason?"
"Maybe not..."
"What do you mean?" Did Thad dare hope?
"I...I think we can be a lot of support for one another until Mark and Alex are...until Chris has the memorial ceremony for them."
"You're gonna stay that long?"
"A few days at least."
"What about your classes?"
"This is more important...doing what I can for my brother."
"Any other reason?"
"I...I wanted to get to know you better. I enjoyed your company..."
"All of it?...including my drying you after your shower?"
"Thad, are you trying to get me to admit that I was attracted to you last night?"
"Were you?"
"Not in the way you think...or wish..."
"Then what?"
"I'm not sure. I'm still trying to learn more about gay life and what made Mark attracted to it."
"Still doing 'research', are you?"
"Well, yes."
"And you're using me as a specimen for your research project?"
"In a way, yes..."
"What would you have done if I had taken you into my arms last night and kissed you? Would your project have flown out the window?"
"No, but I would have tried to throw you out of that window or, if I found out I couldn't, I'd've probably jumped out of the same window."
Thad laughed. "Somehow, I don't believe you..."
"Wanna try and see what I'd do?"
"Y'know, I'm strangely willing to take that risk..."
"You WANT to kiss me?"
"It took every ounce of strength I could muster last night to keep from kissing you."
"Do you want to see if I'd hit you or run away?"
After a moment, Thad said "Stand up."
"What?"
"Stand up and double up your fist..."
"Are you nuts?"
"Come on...stand up. I think I want to see what you'll do."
"Maybe I should leave now."
"Scared?"
"No...no, I'm not scared in spite of the fact you're a strong-armed detective."
"Then prove it!"
"How?"
"Just stand up!"
David stood and was only two feet away from Thad.
"Okay! I'm standing! Now what?"
"This!"
Thad reached and grabbed both of David's arms, pulled him roughly to him and plunged his mouth upon David's. Thad's hold made David feel helpless and he withdrew his head as far as his neck would permit. Thad was relentless, he refused to unlock his lips, pressed searchingly against David's. David tried to yell, but only made matters worse because by opening his mouth. It gave Thad a chance to launch his tongue into David's mouth. David was shocked at the feel of a man's tongue touching his and his first instinct was to bite the invading red monster but he was reticent, believing this would only get him a mouthful of blood from the incision his teeth would make on Thad's tongue.
Thad was more physical, stronger than David by far. It was useless to try to fight Thad off. Let Thad satisfy his curiousity and that would be the end of it, especially when Thad saw David had no intention of responding to the invasive action. So, David remained rigid, but stopped fighting to get released. David felt as if he had been orally defiled, maybe what a woman must feel while she's being raped. Halfway through the long kiss, David felt an emotional change taking place in his body and attitude. Perhaps he was finally succumbing to the built-up tension of the past two days...or was it that he felt safer, being in stronger arms than his own.
Thad's sensed David's surrender and slowly let David's arms loose and gradually put his arms around David's back and drew him into his naked chest. David uttered a sound...more like a moan than a groan and suddenly an automatic response took hold of David and he thrust his arms around his conqueror and David submitted himself to Thad's emotional and romantic rush as he found himself trying to return Thad's kiss and fighting with his own tongue to intrude Thad's mouth. David knew he was standing in the middle of the floor of Thad's apartment, but the room began to spin as if he were traveling through time and space into another world...a strange new world...a world Mark had known but David had never thought to enter.
Finally, the kiss broke and both men stood still in the embrace, each gasping for air without breath to speak. David's eyes were locked into Thad's as if he had been hypnotized, magically changed into another person. Slowly, they each dropped their arms and stepped apart. Thad turned his back to David as if he were ashamed.
"I'm sorry," Thad said, above a whisper. "I...I went too far. I...should never have..."
"Please...don't ruin it," David replied. "Don't ruin the moment I never want to forget."
Thad could hardly believe what David had said. Was David being sarcastic? He slowly turned back to examine David's expression. David didn't appear to be angry. He looked more like a little puppy who had been scolded and was awaiting his master to forgive him. Thad was unaware that David had shed a few tears during the kiss...angry tears, no doubt, but it was difficult to decipher the emotion behind the tears now. Thad raised his hand and put his thumb just under David's lower eyelid and carefully wiped away the tiny pool of salty liquid.
"Can you ever forgive me?", Thad whispered.
"I don't intend to...or want to" David replied, matching Thad's vocal tone and volume.
"Look, if you wanna take a swing at me, go ahead, I deserve it! I promise not to hit back..."
"I don't want to hit you," David replied as Thad used his other thumb to remove the tears from the other side of David's face.
"You...you hate me, don't you?" Thad said. "You have every right..."
"No, I...I don't hate you," David replied, quietly. "I...I..."
"You what?" Thad was terrified of David's answer.
"Thad, I...I want you to take me in your arms and hold me...hold me tight, PLEASE!"
"Are you sure?" Thunderstruck, Thad couldn't believe what he had heard.
"Positive."
That was the only invitation Thad needed. He stepped forward and put his arms around David and held him, tenderly at first, then with growing force.
"Tight enough?" Thad asked softly.
"Oh, dear God, how I've needed this!" David said as he began to cry. "Not just today or for the past two days! All my life I've wanted someone...some man...my dad...anyone!...to hold me and make me feel safe. A few minutes ago, my whole life flashed before my eyes. I knew what I'd missed most in life...and suddenly I knew what Mark had missed. I...I could have held him, but I wasn't strong enough. He...Mark went looking for safety in other men's arms. He was trying to feel....what I'm feeling at this moment."
"Oh, David, I think I understand...really I do!"
"Just hold me, Thad...hold me!"
"I will, David, for as long as you like."
It was if the atomic clock and all clocks in the world suddenly stopped as Thad and David clung to each other. Time was of no importance when a moment such as this was fulfilling a lifetime...a lifetime of truthful search and understanding. Neither was aware how long they stood in the middle of the room until the phone rang and broke their compiled angst.
"Don't you move!" Thad said as he left David to answer the phone.
"I wouldn't think of it..." David replied.
"Hello?" Thad answered the call. "What? No, I'm not any better and I won't be tomorrow either, so don't expect me to take a cure-all and get well immediately. I'll call you in a day or two when I'm feeling better...No, asshole! I said, 'NOT TOMORROW!'...did you hear that plain enough? All right..." Thad slammed down the phone. "Fucking idiots!" Then he walked back to David. "Now where were we?", he said gently.
David pulled away slightly, "I...I think maybe we'd both better calm down and tend to...to matters that we planned on ."
"Such as...?"
"Well, you were going to see Felix to handle Alex's arrangements."
"And you? What do you plan to do?"
"I...well, I have a couple of calls to make. I need to call Jenny...and I met a friend of Mark's in the drugstore and he asked if I could meet him for a cup of coffee. I guess he wants to share his thoughts about Mark."
"Are you gonna tell Jenny about...what just happened between us?"
David flushed, sighed, and said "What do you think?"
"I knew the answer but I thought I ask anyway. Oh, do you need a ride somewhere if you're gonna meet someone?"
"No, he said he could pick me up when I called him."
"Does this 'friend of Mark's' have a name?"
"Randy...Randy Carpenter..."
"You mean Atlanta's pretty boy?"
"I'm not sure, but he WAS rather nice looking..."
"Dark hair, olive skin, long lashes, nine inch dick?"
"I did notice his hair, his skin and lashes..."
"But, you being straight,...your eyes didn't gaze downward toward that humongous bulge in his pants?"
"Sorry, but I didn't notice."
"You're like an unsolvable crime...an enigma. Last night, I dried you off while you were naked. Later when I got out of the shower, I made a point of you seeing me naked. You walk in today and I practically exposed my cock to Father Chris...and we stand in the floor for a large part of eternity, lip locked in a kiss, and you tell me you didn't notice Randy's dick OR mine?"
"So what does that say?...That I'm not gay, but I love being held by a strong detective."
"And during our kiss, you didn't get aroused at all?"
"Not that I was aware of..."
"I gotta go figure this out and we'll discuss it when we both return. Oh, by the way, there's an extra doorkey on the ledge above the front door. Take it with you, in case you get home before I do."
"Great! Now I hope you're gonna get dressed before going to see Felix. However, rumor has it that, if Felix were to see you in your boxers, he might need an undertaker himself!" David weakly joked.
"Should we plan on having dinner together?"
"Probably, but I'll call you in case there's a change of plans."
"What you're actually saying is that we'll have dinner together if you don't decide to have dinner with 'pretty boy'."
"Thad, I hardly know him. We met quite by accident...literally, in a drugstore."
"You hardly know me and yet you let me kiss you...?"
"Thad, how many times do I have to tell you I'm not gay. I'm not on the prowl for Randy or any guy. Randy was..."
"I know who Randy was. He was Mark's lover and the minute Randy found out Mark was sick, Randy ditched Mark like yesterday's fish and never saw him again."
"I know all about that. Randy told me quickly that he could explain his leaving and I want to know the real reason, not a lot of faggot speculation."
"Oho! You're using the 'f' word now. Who are you trying to convince that you're not one, me or yourself?"
"I apologize. I hate that word and I don't know why I used it just now."
"Maybe you were lashing out at me...I'm a faggot...or hadn't you guessed?"
"You are NOT a faggot...not in my eyes anyway."
"But if we hadn't kissed, I might be...?"
"My God, Thad, why are we quarreling? We both suffered tragic losses in our lives during the past two days and we should be grieving, not fighting."
"All right! I renege...no more quarrels. I'm sorry."
"You don't have to apologize!"
"Wanna kiss and make up?"
"WHAT?"
"I simply asked if you wanted me to kiss you and make up...you know, mend our broken fences."
"I'm afraid, if we kissed, it might lead to a road I'm not ready to travel..."
"I'll keep my hands behind my back! No tricks!"
"Thad, stop it, please! You've got my head spinning. I'm so confused."
"One kiss...?"
"No."
"Please..."
"I said 'no'!"
"Pretty please. I'll only use my lower lip and no tongue."
"All right, IF you promise to get dressed and go take care of Alex's arrangements with Felix."
"I...I promise."
"YOU stand still and let me kiss you...remember, no hands!"
"Deal!"
David slowly walked toward Thad and cautiously put his lips on Thad's. Once again they both felt the heat of the moment and both sets of arms embraced the other as the kiss grew more passionate...their heads twisting and turning...each tongue rabidly invading the other's hot mouth. This kiss was different in that, this time, David felt a mounting urgency in his loins. His penis was hard...harder than he could ever remember and David pressed his pelvis into Thad's. Thad's reaction was similar as his cock emerged through the fly of his boxers and pushed against David's concealed organ...restrained only by his trousers. Thad lowered his right hand to grope David and David felt a shudder down his spine at Thad's touch...and almost immediately the reality of the sensual situation struck a chord in David's psyche as he pulled away quickly, covered his mouth with his hand and turned his back to Thad.
"Dear God! What's wrong with me? Why did I let that happen?" David cried out in agony.
"Because you wanted it to happen, David...THAT, and a lot more!"
"But I DON'T! I DON'T! Can't you see?"
"Forget it!" Thad shouted, turned and went into his bedroom to dress. David sank helplessly into a heap on the divan. He was unaware of the sudden jolt of a spring jabbing him in the butt.
Nothing else was said while Thad dressed. Then he walked from the bedroom to the door without so much as giving David a quick glance. They made no eye contact. Thad opened the door, stepped into the hall, and slammed the door behind him. David sat on the couch, almost lethargic, almost as if he had just awakened from a nightmare----only he was awake and what he feared had actually happened and he found himself sobbing loudly.
Nearly half an hour passed before David stood up and went to the bathroom to wash his face. He stared at the new strange David that he looked back from the mirror. His mind whirled as he thought of who he saw and what he had done. The idea of calling Jenny rapidly erased itself from his agenda. He thought of calling Chris, but Chris would never understand. David couldn't decide to take his suitcase with him to meet Randy or to leave it until later. At least the bag would give him an excuse to get away from Randy if, for some unknown reason, he felt he had to.
He went to the phone, took out Randy's card from his back pocket and called. Randy was pleasantly surprised to receive David's call and said he would come by and pick David up to go out for a drink or whatever. Another problem sprang up...David didn't know Thad's address or in what part of town to tell Randy to find him. All he knew was that Thad lived on one of the multitudinous Peachtree streets, avenues, ways, drives, vistas, or some fucking thoroughfare. Why hadn't the city fathers named Atlanta...Peachtree? It would make more sense. David asked Randy to wait while he went outside to look at the street sign or get some marker to use to find Thad's apartment. Fortunately, a young man was walking down the street and David ran to ask him where he was. The young man thought David was joking or was an escapee from the asylum. 'Who wouldn't know where he is?' Finally, the young man or kid decided David was being earnest and gave him the exact address. David repeated it three times before running back into the apartment to tell Randy. Randy was amused at David's naiveté, but David was 'e pluribus unum' concerning a visitor's 'Peachtree' dilemma. Fifteen minutes later, Randy drove up in front of Thad's building and honked his horn. David ran out to meet him, got into the car and they sat for a moment, just looking at one another.
"So you don't know your way around the big city. huh?" Randy joked.
"Whoever named the streets down here was a total idiot...and he probably hated peaches!" David retorted, smiling.
"David, do you mind if I just sit and look at you?"
"No...but why?"
"Just looking at your face and into your eyes reminds me how much I loved Mark. You look so much alike."
"Only a couple of years separated our ages. Everyone in River Oaks knew us, but strangers...visitors...often thought we were twins, in spite of the actual difference in years."
"I can see why," Randy said, retreating into himself while reliving the moments he had treasured with his former lover.
"If you'll pardon me for being blunt, I can see why some people call you Atlanta's pretty boy."
"You heard that, huh?" Randy's lood was self-deprecating.
"You must be used to it. It's very obvious how handsome you are."
"Hey! I thought you were straight! You're not coming onto me, are you?"
"No...but fact is fact!"
"Well then, I guess I should say, 'thanks'".
"You're welcome."
"Now where would you like to go...a bar? A restaurant? A coffee house?"
"Please! Some place that isn't on a Peachtree street."
Randy laughed and David noticed Randy's perfect teeth. Even the back molars showed when he laughed and all were pure porcelain specimens.
"What are you in the mood for? A cocktail? A coke? A bite of food? A joint?"
'A joint?' David thought. 'Does a stranger offer someone marijuana so casually?' "I'm not much of a drinker...I mean two drinks and I'm flat on my butt."
"Two?" Randy grinned. "That was Mark's limit, too." His grin faded. "The night we met, I'm afraid he'd had more than two and...well, I guess I took advantage of him."
"You and Mark had se..I mean, you made love the first night you met?"
"And every night thereafter..."
David stared at Randy and suddenly could believe that Mark would have fallen for Randy quite easily. Damn! His face!... as pretty as any woman's!
"Listen, David, my place is only a few minutes from here...a little better neighborhood though. If you like, we can take a run over there, kick off our shoes and talk in private for as long as we like. I have liquor, diet-cokes in the refrigerator, a new espresso machine if you prefer a cappuccino, a latté or mocha latté. I also have food in the freezer if you're hungry."
"Before I say, 'yes', you DO KNOW that I'm straight."
"Good heavens! Do my looks lead you to think I'm some kind of sex predator?"
"I didn't mean to imply that, Randy."
"You'll be totally safe."
"I hope I didn't insult you...it's just that..."
"Have you been approached by some gays in Atlanta?"
"Slightly."
"Might I ask where?"
David didn't want to mention Thad's name, so he quickly said, "In the men's room at the Very Close Vane."
"YOU'VE been to the 'Vane'? When and why?"
"Last night...and I'll tell you about it later."
"Jesus, you're lucky you didn't get raped or have a dick shoved down your throat."
"Nothing happened...believe me!"
"I'm sure of that!" There was a pause in the conversation. "So? My place or not?"
"Your place!"
"Settled!"
Randy's neighborhood and apartment was everything Thad's wasn't. It was modern and expensive looking with big rooms...TWO bedrooms with a bath and a half, a built-in kitchen with a side barbecue grill next to the stove top range. The microwave was also a convection-oven combo. In the center of the kitchen was a large cutting board/dining island made of pecan wood. The living room was ultra modern...all glass and chrome with vividly colored couches and chairs. When given a tour of the apartment, David observed that Randy's private bedroom was done in hues of deep purple and ebony making the room dark even with all the lights turned on. The extra bedroom was decorated with shades of green...chartreuse to forest green. The three walls which surrounded the bed-head was furnished with large green plants...real plants, not vinyl or rubber. David was in awe of the place and told Randy as much.
"How about a nice latté?"
"Can I be honest?"
"I hope you will be, about everything."
"I've never had a latté."
"Jesus, what kind of place IS River Oaks?"
"Very old, very rich, and ultra-conservative."
"Good God! No wonder Mark loved Atlanta. He must have felt he was moving into another century."
"I've had the same feeling for almost forty-eight hours."
"Have you ever dipped in a hot tub?"
"I'm afraid I'm virginal there as well..."
"Would you like to give it a whirl? It's the best way I know to relax...well, maybe second best..."
"Oh, I couldn't...really..."
"Nonsense! I'll even give you a bathing suit to wear to protect your modesty. We both seem to be about the same size...and for God's sake, don't think I'm trying to seduce you. My neighbors...male and female...straight and gay, come here often, just to use the whirlpool. Nothing has ever happened to any of them. They only left here feeling more relaxed. So, whaddya say?"
"Oh, why not?"
"Great! Let me get you a suit. You can change in the bathroom. I'll get you a hangar for your clothes. In the meanwhile, I'll get the espresso and hot tub whirring at the same time while you get dressed..or undressed!"
"Are you going to join me?"
"Only if you won't feel threatened...?"
"You must think I'm some kind of hick from Virginia. my acting as I do."
"No, I quite understand. I had almost the same conversation with Mark at the beginning. There were many things he had to get used to..."
"I can imagine..." David retorted wryly.
Randy got a tight white bathing suit and handed it to David who promptly went into the bathroom to change. At the same time, Randy removed his clothes and donned a red and white Speedo, tight as his skin, and plainly revealing the huge bulge which Thad had warned David about. Then Randy went into the kitchen to fill the espresso machine while stopping to hit the 'On' button on the hot tub.
David came out of the bathroom feeling exposed or practically nude in front of the gay stranger until he noticed the suit Randy was wearing. For a split second, David wanted to run back into the bathroom, put on his own clothes, and head toward the nearest exit. He suddenly felt that Randy in THAT bathing suit could not be trusted and he immediately put every fiber of his being on guard.
"Say! That suit looks great on you!" Randy exclaimed, causing David to blush and feel even more vulnerably nude. "Jesus! You've got quite a build on you! Do you work out at college?"
"Not all that much! I'm afraid my body doesn't compare to yours...if you don't mind my saying so!"
"Mind? This old thing? I don't work out with weights, however I do confine my exercise to nocturnal pleasure."
"I fear I'm totally uninformed about that as well."
"Straight guys don't get the same workout as gay guys. Most straight guys have sex and it's over in a matter of minutes while gays can hold off for hours."
"I suppose that's something I'll never learn about...at least in practicality. My only education about gay life is from books at the library."
"I often think that bisexuals give their women more pleasure because they learn what to do and how to sustain it..and they learn it from other men. Their women reap the rewards of their men's gay activities."
"Before I set one foot in that hot tub, you're not suggesting that..."
"Heavens, no! I told you! Relax and trust me!"
"I wouldn't want to harm your...pardon the pun...but, 'pretty little face'".
"You won't have to...so get in, prop your feet up, lean your head back and let the water do its due."
Although he was a bit reticent, David got into the whirling water and did as Randy suggested...and he felt as if he were on a cloud of water. Nothing had ever felt so good and so relaxing. He could forget about Chris, Felix, Thad, and even momentarily about Mark as he closed his eyes to welcome the rushing water on his back, legs, and neck. A hot tub was one thing he wanted to purchase for Jenny and himself when they moved into their own place. Thinking of Jenny caused David to feel a twinge of pain in his neck. How in the world could he go back and face her after his Atlanta experiences? So much had happened in such a little time and the week wasn't half over yet! What more could happen?
"Here's your latté, Mr. Stanley..." Randy said, interrupting David's reverie. "Set the cup into one of those slots beside you!"
David took the drink and sipped it. It tasted wonderful. He realized he had failed to ask if there was alcohol in a latté. Perhaps Randy was playing a trick on him and was trying to get him drunk with an ulterior motive in his mind.
"This is fantastic! What's in it?"
"A little special blend of coffee, cream, and a few spices thrown in for good measure."
"No liquor?"
"No, damn it! NO LIQUOR! You simply don't want to trust me, do you? That must've been some bad experience you had in the 'Vane's' men's room...or was it somewhere else. You know I never asked you whose apartment you were visiting when I picked you up."
"It was a friend of Father Chris'...a detective..."
"You mean Thad? Alex's lover?"
"You know Thad?"
"Know him? I've had him!"
"What do you mean...sexually?"
"Dear 'straight' boy, Thad is one body I'll never forget. That light spread of black velvet on his chest...oh wow! I can get excited just thinking about it."
"I...I've never seen Thad's chest," David lied.
"Oh, man! I won't ask how much time you spent with Thad, but if you ever slept with him, you'd remember it the rest of your life."
"I...I did sleep with him...last night..." David said, quietly.
"You slept with Thad?...ALL night?"
"Yes."
"And you're walking without a limp today?"
"Believe me, Randy, nothing happened between us...Thad and me."
"Was Thad stoned or passed out?"
"No, but...before I spent the night, I made it clear to him that I was nothing like Mark, I've never been gay nor have I had a homosexual experience of any kind in my life...and he accepted that fact and...and nothing happened."
"Jesus! Thad's either getting old or he's found God."
"He's around twenty-nine or thirty, wouldn't you guess?"
"Yes, but...Oh WOW! I just find it difficult to believe he didn't jump you in your sleep."
"Well, he didn't! I went to bed with him 'straight' and I woke up 'straight'!"
"I think I'll circle yesterday's date on my calendar. History was made and you were a part of it, although you didn't know it!"
"I'm sure you know Father Chris at St. Thaddeus Catholic Church...?"
"Yes, but not intimately...although I've often thought if I gave him a wink, he would transgress his celibacy. Frankly, I've never understood how a man with so much charisma, good looks, education, and charm could go through life without a partner...male or female. If Father Chris were a lawyer or doctor, he'd make a real catch for somebody."
"This is going to sound idiotic...and again, very naive on my part, but Chris is the first person I've ever openly discussed homosexuality with."
"Jesus, you sound like a West Virginia rube!"
"Y'know, that's twice someone has said that to me today..."
"Then, if I were you, I'd change my shoe size and style..."
"What's that suppose to mean, is that some more gay lingo?"
"No, I was referring to the expression...if the shoe fits...making a play on words of being told twice that you were a rube."
"Well, I'm not a rube and I'm certainly not a West Virginia hick. In my immediate circle of straight friends at the university, I'm considered quite knowledgeable on most subjects. I don't know very much about Muslims but that's not to say I a stupid fool. Really, I seem to know more about Muslims than gays, but as I said, I've tried my damndest to learn. ANYWAY, Chris told me that gays in general were NOT predators nor would they force themselves on straight people...and yet in the past two days, I've been in a couple of situations WITH gays where I felt vulnerable, as if I were being hit on. This is contrary to what Chris said..."
"If you've felt that way, David, I can give you a number of reasons why. First, you seemed to be obsessed using the word 'straight'. Usually straight men don't go around advertising their sexuality unless there's some reason they might be trying to convince themselves otherwise. If gays are conversing with heteros, not once have I heard a gay guy say, 'by the way, I'm gay', but you've referred to yourself as being straight almost a dozen times during our conversation."
"I...I wasn't aware that..."
"Let me go on...Point two! You are a very good-looking, extremely attractive guy. I used to think Mark was beautiful...I told him so often enough...and David, my boy, you're a like a clone...same looks, smile, speech... I knew Mark was gay the first time I laid eyes on him and if you didn't advertise your being straight every-hour-on-the-hour like a TV station identification, I would think you were gay as well."
"I look gay?"
"You're not effeminate if that's what you're worried about, but you have the look that makes gays...and probably heteros, too.... turn their heads to take a second look at you."
"I've never noticed how I look to other people...especially other men."
"For some reason, you seem to sell yourself short. I'm not being conceited when I say I know I have good looks. Hell, I look at my face, my hair, my body, my genitals several times a day and know...'HEY! You look great, kid!'. Fact is fact. If I were bald and had bad acne scars, I would be totally aware of my looks so why should it be different if your face, skin, and hair look perfect when you see I see them in a mirror?"
David gave serious thought to Randy's verbal evaluation and dissertation and let most of it sink in.
"Can I try to disprove your theory?"
"Sure...I'm game."
"What I'm thinking is rather awkward putting into words so if I don't say it just right, don't rush to judgment...OK?"
"David, among all the men I've known, I can vouch that Georgians are no smarter than Virginians. We're all from the dumb South. We speak slower and non-Southerners assume we think slower...and we probably do. Point of proof? Listen to a speech by President Kennedy and compare it with one by Texas President George Bush. Hell, why do you think Gore lost the election? He was trying to speak so goddamned properly and hide his accent, everyone thought he was a phony...sorry, I keep going off on a tangent every time you wish to make a point."
"Randy, you said that Mark and I look so much alike..."
"You do..."
"Then, why didn't you feel about me the same way you felt about him when we met in the drugstore?"
"Are you trying to find out if I found you attractive...?"
"I'm just want to know why with Mark it was 'love at first sight' and I was just someone who casually offered you my handkerchief..."
"First of all, your being 'straight' had a lot to do with it. You didn't find me attracted to your way of thinking and, physically, you didn't feel about me as I felt about you. I looked at you and was immediately drawn to you, but you just saw another person."
"Now, who's being modest? I, or any other man, would find you attractive. Sure, I DID. So what was different?"
"All right, let's play a little game...if you're willing."
"What kind of game?"
"We'll call it...'Make Your Point'!"
"Go for it!"
"You and I are sitting more than half naked, less than four feet apart in a private place where no one can see or hear us. The minute you walked out of the bathroom in that white bathing suit, my eyes were glued on your body, but mainly what you were concealing under the suit. Now, perhaps I went too far in my choosing a suit...mine was tighter and I purposely chose it to make you look at my crotch. I watched to see if you'd lower your eyes...and you know what? Whether is was accidental or intentional, you looked, baby, you saw right through my red and white Speedo. What kind of signal do you suppose I got from your stare?"
"You honestly believe I wanted to see all of you?"
"Sorry, but yes, I do."
"Randy, you're wrong...believe me...WAY wrong!"
"Want proof?"
"What do you mean?"
Randy suddenly sprang up from the hot tub and snatched down his suit, releasing the package Thad had so vividly described.
"Now, try NOT to look!"
To David, that was like saying 'don't think of elephant'. He had to look! Who wouldn't? Never in his life had David seen such a large male organ...certainly no one in the dorm showers.
"Randy, please don't...please pull up your bathing suit."
"Does my naked cock bother you?"
"It doesn't bother me, but seeing something unusual for the first time... I mean if you opened your bedroom door and brought out a white duck and threw him into the water, do you think I wouldn't look at the duck? I'm human! It's human nature to notice anything that's out of the ordinary."
"How strongly do you feel about YOUR manhood?"
"What do you mean?"
"Could you stand up and take off your suit without showing an erection?"
"Are you asking does your nakedness excite or arouse me? The answer is 'no'!"
"But you can't do it, can you? You're actually afraid that you couldn't remain flaccid while looking at another penis? I mean, that would take a REAL man to pass that test."
"I could...if I wanted to, but this is ridiculous!"
"PROVE IT, STRAIGHT MAN...PROVE TO ME AND TO YOURSELF HOW REALLY STRAIGHT YOU ARE!!!"
"I...I won't...I don't have to!"
"Stand up!"
"What?"
"I said, stand up!"
Slowly David held onto the side of the large tub and stood. Quick as a flash, Randy dropped to his knees and grabbed David's white suit and pulled it down to his ankles. David's penis sprang to 'attention' as if a close-order drill had been commanded by general. David's hands were not large enough to hide his erection...all he could do was place one hand above the other and grip his organ like a golf club or baseball bat.
"DAMN YOU!"
"Did I make my point?" Randy exclaimed.
"You're a son-of-a-bitch! How could Mark have loved you?"
"Let me help you figure that one out," Randy said, as he reached for David's erection and plunged it into his mouth. Randy locked his hands around David's buttocks so that he couldn't back away.
"Oh, GOD! Please stop, Randy! I don't want this! I'm not like you," David cried as he grabbed two handfuls of Randy's dark hair and tried to pull Randy's head backward.
Randy was relentless. He continued to move his head forward and backward as deep as he could, putting David's member into the back of his throat. David was angry, so much so that his eyes were welling with tears...yet, this was Mark's lover and David was experiencing what Mark had craved for many months. David was getting a sensation he had always thought of as forbidden and disgusting and yet the power of the pleasure was soon outweighing the vulgarity and grossness. This was a part of the education no book in the university library had ever described.
In the meantime, Randy had completely transformed reality and time as David's body made Randy recall all the wonderful nights he had spent with Mark. With Randy's eyes closed, David had turned into his brother and no force in this world was strong enough to make him stop or deprive him of what he missed most in life.
"OH, MY GOD!" David screamed. "STOP! PLEASE, STOP! I CAN'T HOLD BACK ANY LONGER!"
David's words were like a familiar tune he'd heard Mark cry out hundreds of times and he knew it was only a matter of seconds before he would be tasting his one true love's nectar once again. David's explosion made his knees weak and he sank back down to sit on one of the hot tub seats. Finally, when he had his fill, Randy removed his mouth from David and looked straight at David's hurtful expression and more deeply into David's tear-filled eyes.
David was humiliated, exhausted, and out of breath. He felt as if his spirit had been broken...the same as a mustang when a broncobuster tames the beast. Slowly, David raised both hands level with Randy's head and placed them behind Randy's neck. All David had to do was complete the circle around Randy's neck with his thumbs and he could easily choke Randy to death.
Randy was more than apprehensive about the placement of David's hands and somehow he felt, 'If he wants to kill me...go ahead...maybe I deserve it...but having Mark one more time was worth the rest of this life'.
David was still breathing hard as he drew his face close to Randy's. David's eyes were filled with more hatred than he'd ever known and in the next instant, he wanted to strangle Randy...it would be quick and easy and for some reason, Randy was making no attempt to stop him. 'Does Randy want me to kill him?' David kept drawing his face nearer to Randy's until the tips of their noses were touching. Each could feel and smell the other's breathe when he inhaled. David carefully placed his thumbs over Randy's Adam's apple and made contact with the death spot and Randy still didn't move. The two remained in that position for several seconds...murder, death--- barely seconds away.
Then, with a sudden jolt from nowhere, David forced his lips onto Randy's and plunged his tongue inside Randy's mouth. Randy was totally surprised and at the same time, feared for his life...'Was this the kiss of death?' 'Would this be the last sensation Randy would know in this life?'
Randy waited to feel David's thumbs sinking into the front of his throat and then, David released this throat hold, lowered his hands to Randy's muscled clavicles and drew Randy's body inwardly until their chests were sealed together. Cautiously, Randy raised his arms to go around David to complete the circle and they were embracing and both were kissing each other passionately. Neither of them wanted to stop because neither knew what to say...
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(To be continued in Chapter Six of "As I Remember Him".)