This is a story about young love between teenage boys. The story is completely fictional. If your reading this illegally don't get caught .. I hope you enjoy.
Ashamed Written by Rene Edited by Dave
*****Prologue *****
Hey, well, wow. Where do I begin? I know, I'll start off with my name. My name is Ashley Hunter and I'm 16 years old. I suppose you could say that I've always been a popular one at school. I am on both the football and wrestling teams, but before you go and jump to conclusions, I'm not what you would call your average 'jock'. I'm usually not one to brag, but what the hell, not only am I the sporty type, but I'm pretty smart as well. My GPA is 4.0 and I am on the debate team as well. Oh and lets not forget that I participate in nearly all of the school plays and I'm the representative for my class on the yearbook committee. I know that sounds like a lot of work, and to be honest with you, it is. This year at school I am a junior. My birthday is in 5 days and I cant wait, I'm soooooo excited I can hardly hold it in, but enough about that. Time to get more serious. To be honest, I never would have expected, in my wildest dreams, to go through all that I have in this past year. I have to say it has definitely been the longest year of my life. And although things are happy now, it didn't exactly start off that way. It all began around 360 days ago. My birthday. It is in January so my friends and I were on our Christmas vacation when I had my birthday party. As you probably would have worked out by now, I had just turned 16 and thankfully, my party was a complete success. Everything was going great and according to plan until my best friend, Skyler Stone, told me that we needed to talk.......
"Ash, we need to talk" Skyler said, after everyone had left for the night. We were cleaning up the mess.
"What's up?" I asked.
"There is something I need to tell you. It's really important and I don't want you to hate me. You are my best friend and I hope you can accept what I have to say."
"Sky, spit it out dude!" I said.
"Well there is no easy way to say it so here it goes, I'm Gay." He blurted out.
You see I go to an all boys' catholic school. There are a lot of guy's that attend this school at one time because it services grades 6-12 all year long. My mom got us into this school because she is a nurse at St. Mary's hospital. Being gay is just not accepted at our school. Skyler, of all people, knew that. So why did he 'choose' to be that way?
"You're what?" I said, not even trying to hide my anger.
"You hate me, huh?" He asked. He was on the verge of tears.
Skyler is a lot like me. I've known him for as long as I can remember. We met in 6th grade when we first started at Cathedral. My family had just moved to the city, the state even, and he was the first person to befriend me. You see my parents split up when I was 9 1/2 and Andy, my little brother, was 8. We moved here to get away from my dad. He was one of those deadbeat dads that you hear so much about. Skyler and I became close fast. We listened to the same type of music, enjoyed the same kind of movies and had the same taste in girls, so I thought.
"What's wrong with girls? Why can't you just like girls?" I screamed.
"I didn't choose to be this way Ashley!" He screamed back, tears streaming down his face by this point.
Skyler was a lot like me and we were a team. We did everything together and if for some reason he wasn't with me, people always asked 'where is Sky'. I'm not his keeper nor is he mine but people just couldn't have one of us with out the other. We even double dated together, speaking of which, Skyler had had a lot of girlfriends before the truth came out.
"What about Lori? What about Sara? Melissa? All the girls you have dated, huh?" I asked, still screaming.
"It was a front. If I dated girls no one would suspect that I am gay." He said, barley above a whisper.
"Don't say that word! You're not GAY!" I yelled. I could feel myself crying by now. How could he do this to me? To himself?
Skyler and I had two very close friends, Kyle and Wes. Up until about the time of Skyler's coming out of the we four were inseparable.
"If Kyle or Wes find out about this they will flip out! You know how people feel about faggots, they HATE them at this school Sky!" I wasn't screaming anymore just very angry.
"Wes already knows, and I don't plan to come out to the world." I was shocked. Wes knew and he didn't say anything!
"What do you mean Wes knows? You told him before me?" I was screaming again.
"No! He figured it out on his own. Ashley, I need you to be there for me. Please?" He fell to his knees and started sobbing. I wanted to hug him and comfort him like I would normally but I can't. He is gay. I can't accept that.
It's hard to find true friends. Skyler and I lucked out with Kyle and Wes. They have stood by us to this day and I love them with all my heart. Although the last year of my life has been rough, they helped me take everything day by day. They helped me over come fears and find myself in the mess I created. I know, I know your waiting for me to get on with it already right?
After the unwanted news from Skyler, I made him leave. ________________________________________________________________________
Chapter One
"Get out! Go home and just leave me alone!" I yelled through clenched teeth. It hurt to turn him away, but this was too much to handle. What would people think? Me hanging out with a faggot? No I can't handle that. He picked him self up off the floor and walked past me. He didn't even look me in the eyes. I heard the door slam and I broke down crying. I felt a hand on my back and heard Andy say it will be okay. I clung to Andy as I cried. I lost my best friend.
The first few days of school, after that night, were the hardest ever. Everybody noticed that me and Skyler weren't talking and every body wanted to know why.
"Hey Ash, where is Skyler?" Asked Wes as he sat down next to me in the lunchroom. I glared at him. I can't hold in the anger.
"Why the fuck would you NOT tell me about Sky, Wes? You are no friend of mine, get away from me!" He was in shock from my outburst but also embarrassed that I yelled at him in front of everyone in the lunchroom. I couldn't look at him anymore I ran out of the lunchroom trying hard to hold back the tears threatening to escape my eyes.
I ran to closest bathroom I could find. I sat in the stall and desperately tried to clear my head. I heard the door to the bathroom open. I had to stifle my sobs. I heard a knock on the stall door. "Ashley, its Andy let me in." I leaned over and undid the lock and let him in. He didn't say anything he just hugged me.
Andy is 15 years old and a sophomore. Andy and I have always been close to each other. Finally he spoke.
"Everything is going to be okay, Ash. I think you just need some time to adjust you can go back to being his friend." He said.
"No, you're wrong. I lost my best friend because he decided he wants to be gay! It will not be okay." I said back. He let out a sigh.
"He is your friend. Your best friend for 5 years! I can't believe you are seriously ending your friendship over this." He said. I could tell he was getting angry with me.
I couldn't say anything else. I am scared of what it means to be gay. Truth is, when I was 14 I went into a depression. It started when I came across a gay website on the net. Curiosity got the best of me, I started going through different links and looking at different pictures, not to mention the graphic stories. What really got to me, though, was that I was turned on by what I saw and what I read. In my mind I knew it was wrong, but my body disagreed. Feeling guilty and ashamed I cried myself to sleep that night. I went to school after that scared to look at any guy. Especially Skyler, for he was the most attractive boy I had ever seen in my life. That was a tough time in our friendship. I was distant and scared. After about 4 months I convinced myself it was just a phase in my life that I had to go through and that I would grow out of it. I convinced myself that gay's were disgusting. I dated and fucked as many girls as I could to prove to myself that I wasn't one of them. I will be honest, it worked. With as much as I do at school and the amount of girls I have to keep me busy I was able to hide my true feelings from myself.
"Let's wash your face and go to class, Ash." He grabbed my hand and directed me to the sink. I did as he asked and washed my face.
"Thanks for being here Andy." I said, avoiding eye contact with him. I was ashamed of myself.
"What are bro's for?" He gave me a heartfelt smile and we left the restroom. Wes was waiting outside for me. When he saw us exit the bathroom he ran up to us. I could tell he was upset but also worried and sad.
"Ashley we need to talk NOW!" He demanded. Andy looked at me searching my eyes for approval. I nodded my head and he left to class. Knowing we would be missing this class we went to our dorm rooms. Wes and I were roommates. We entered our room and I sat down on the bed. He made his way to the desk before he spoke.
"I'm sorry. I promised Skyler I would keep his secret until he was ready. I'm guessing by how angry you are that it didn't go well." He assumed.
"NO, it didn't go well, my best friend is gay!" I yelled. Realizing that people could be in the hall I lowered my voice. "Why would he do this to me?" I asked.
"You act like he did it on purpose! You don't choose that lifestyle, your born that way!" The reality of what he said set in and I became furious. If it's true you're born that way what does that say about me?
"SHUT UP!" He winced at my outburst. Then his shock turned into rage.
"How dare you? Skyler loves you! You're his life! Of all the guys he could fall in love with WHY THE HELL YOU? Don't you ever come near either one of us again or I swear I will personally beat your face in! YOU HEAR ME? You Fucking prick!" With that he got up and left. The door slammed pulling me out of the dream like state I was in and I started crying again. I couldn't stop this time. He loves me? Why me? What should I do? All these questions started filling my head but with no answers to sooth my pain I fell asleep.
I woke up to the knocking of someone at the door. I must have had a bad dream because I was sweaty and I was breathing hard. I got up to answer the door to find Kyle.
"Dude, are you okay?" He asked me as he walked into the room. "I've been knocking for at least 3 minutes."
"I'm fine, I was asleep." I explained, closing the door behind him.
"Yah well you look like shit!" He said as he sat down on Wes' bed.
"Thanks dude." I said sarcastically.
"I heard about Sky. I can't believe that shit. That's fucking sick dude!" He had a look of disgust on his face.
"Kyle, what do you want?" I asked, ignoring his previous comment.
"Just checking to see if you're okay." He said.
"Well I'm fine." I said annoyed.
"Fine, I get the hint I'll leave. Wes said he is going to be staying with me tonight. Something about your a fucking prick?" He asked a little confused.
"Whatever, dude. Talk to you later." I said motioning for the door. I didn't want to talk to him anymore.
I spent that night all by myself. I didn't leave my room for anything, not even to go take a shower. I woke up the next morning with a serious headache. The last thing I wanted to do was go to school, but too miss two days in a row, that would get me in trouble. So I forced myself to get up, shower, and go to class. I was a little shocked to find that rumors about Skyler had spread like chicken pox around the school. Andrew Steven's, senior class president and also captain of the football team approached me.
"So is it true?" He asked.
"Is WHAT true?" I asked back.
"You know, man, about Skyler. Is he really a faggot?" He asked. I was curious as to how he found that out. I knew that if Andrew knew the whole school would know and then that would cause trouble for Skyler. I don't know what to do. Should I lie? Should I be honest?
"Andrew, you have no idea what you're talking about." I told him. He gave me a mock smile.
"So you're a fag like him?" To say I was upset by his comment is an understatement I was furious. I turned and punched the wall causing Andrew and a couple of on lookers to flinch.
"I am not one of them! I'm not like him! Get out of my face!" I screamed. I turned and started to make my way out of the hall.
"So you admit that Sky is Gay?" Shock ran over my face. I turned to give him one last deadly look but found him smiling. He was obviously proud of himself. Disgusted I turned around to leave and found myself eye to eye with my best friend. I have to say those were the saddest eyes I have ever seen. Guilt and shame were all I could feel at that moment. I had let out his secret to the world. I could tell he was trying his hardest not to cry but alas tears escaped his eyes. He hung his head low and walked away. I felt sick and ran to the restroom. I threw up three times before I was able to gain control of my body. How could I do this to him? If something bad were to happen to him I would never forgive myself. I washed my face and rinsed my mouth and headed to class. The whole day I couldn't help but feel like people were staring at me. There is no doubt in my mind that everyone knew what was going on and that Andrew was behind it. Class seemed to drag on and going home for weekend is all I could look forward to. After classes had ended I made my way to my dorm room. I was about to walk in when I heard muffled voices from inside. Wes was there and he is the last person I wanted to see right now. Curious as to who was with him, I leaned my ear to the door so I could hear what was being said.
"I hate him." I heard Skyler say.
"Sky, Ash will come around, just give it time." Wes said.
"No fuck him. I hate him." Sky sounded very angry. I never thought that he could hate me, but I could hear in his voice that he truly did. Sadness set in and I realized that at that very moment I lost my only best friend. I stepped back and regained my composure. I turned to walk away when I heard my dorm room door open. I froze and panicked. Sky is the last person I needed to see right now. I looked up and saw nothing but pure hate and anger on his beautiful face. My eyes clouded up with tears but before the tears could fall, his fist made contact with my jaw. Caught completely off guard, I fell to the floor.
"I hate you!" Sky screamed, he turned and walked away.
Hearing those three words made me cringe. I didn't get up, I just leaned against the wall and hugged my legs close to my body. I seemed as though I sat there for hours and just cried to myself but I knew it could only have been 10 minutes. I felt a tap on my arm and for the first time since Sky hit me I looked up and noticed my surroundings. Wes was there and he had a ice pack in his hands.
"You deserved that you know." He commented. "Here, I got this from the nurse's office. Put it on your face." I reached for the pack.
"Uh...thanks." I said barley above a whisper. He grabbed my backpack off the floor and walked into the room. He stood by the door, and waited. After a couple of seconds I realized that he was waiting for me to go in. I picked myself up off the floor and went into our room. Glancing at myself in the mirror I saw the damage that Sky had done to my face. The side of my face was red and my lip was cut. I didn't even noticed I was bleeding until I looked in the mirror. I heard the door shut behind me and Wes walked to his bed. I was hoping he would leave and let me be alone, but I knew I wasn't getting off that easy. I made it to my bed and collapsed before he spoke.
"Everybody knows now. Why would you tell everyone?" He asked. He was actually calm. Kind of scared me more then if he was yelling.
"I did not tell everyone. Andrew tricked me." I explained to him. I didn't look at him I just stared at the ceiling.
"He was threatened today." He said. I felt the tears build up again and closed my eyes. tears escaped and rolled over to hide my face. "Andrew always needed a reason to hate Sky and now he has one. Thanks to you of course." His voice was still calm but cold.
"I...I'm ... I'm sorry." I managed to choke out.
"Don't tell me, you need to tell Sky. Kyle and I are switching rooms. I don't want to stay in here with you anymore." I sat up and looked at him. I noticed that his side of the room was packed up. Wes has been my roommate for as long as I can remember. Knowing he wanted to get away from me bad enough to change rooms hurt. He must hate me as much as Sky does. I was going to say something but I was interrupted by a knock at the door. Wes got up and answered it. Kyle was standing there holding a box of his stuff. He looked at me and smiled. He didn't seem to notice the tension in the room.
"Hey Ash, looks like you and I are roomies now!" He smiled. I forced a fake smile and stood up.
"You need help moving your stuff?" I asked.
"Sure, everything is packed just need to move it up here." He said. He turned to walk out of the room and I followed. Kyle is a good guy and although he can be somewhat annoying I think I can tolerate him. As we made our way to his dorm room he asked questions on how I got my fat lip. I walked in silence ignoring his questions. We made it to his room but before he opened the door and walked in he stopped me.
"Skyler, is in there. I'll bring the boxes out to you okay. You are the last person he wants to see right now." I nodded my head showing that I understood and waited while he walked in. He came out with a big box in his hands and handed it to me and then disappeared back into the room. This time I could hear words being exchanged between Sky and Kyle. Kyle came out again this time he didn't look as happy as before. We walked back to my room in silence. Wes was gathering the last of his things when we entered the room. I put Kyle's box down and turned to go get more but Kyle stopped me. I knew that it had something to do with Skyler, so I sighed and sat down. Wes and Kyle grabbed a box of Wes's stuff and left the room. Never have I felt more alone. I laid back on my bed and I fast asleep.
I woke up to find somebody lying next to me. I sat up and realized Andy was in my bed. He was facing the other way. I knew he was here because he is worried about me. I glanced at the clock and read 3:30 a.m. I can't describe the amount of security that my little bro gave me as he laid in my bed. I looked over to see Kyle asleep as well. He was a sound sleeper, thank god. I noticed that Andy is sleeping in his school clothes. I wanted to wake him up because I know that sleeping in clothes can be so uncomfortable, but he slept like angel and I don't have the heart to disturb him. Thoughts of yesterday's events came rushing back to me and the urge to cry was unbearable. I pulled myself into a fetal position and sobbed as quietly as I could. I felt Andy's arm slide around my waist and I knew that I had woken him up. He didn't say anything he just laid with me as I cried. Comforted I fell back to sleep. I woke up the next morning alone in my bed. I glanced round the room to see that not only was Andy gone but so was Kyle. I also noticed that it was 10:30 a.m. I had missed class again. I know that Andy left me to sleep on purpose. If I was having it this bad, I can't imagine how bad Sky must feel. This is all my fault I pushed the only person I love away and it was sickening. Then it hit me. I just admitted to myself that I loved Sky. That is not what I want. I don't want to be gay. I started crying again. Tears have come so easily these last few days. I began to drift off back to sleep, like I haven't gotten enough in the last few days, when I heard a knock on the door. I stifled my sob and wiped my face. I made my way to the door. There was a young kid about 13 years old standing there.
"Hi, Ash you have a call in the lobby." He said.
"Oh, thanks....." I felt bad I didn't know his name.
"My name is Ray." He stated.
"Well thank you Ray." I smiled. He started to walk away but turned back around to face me. He looked like he wanted to say something but he didn't have the courage to get the words out. Flustered he turned around and walked away. Weird kid I thought to myself. I Quickly grabbed a pair of jeans and threw on a t-shirt. I made my way down the corridor to the lobby. I answered the phone to hear the most comforting voice I have ever known.
"Hi Mom!" I said.
"Hey baby, How are you?"
"......Uh.......okay"
"You know, I have received three calls from your school today."
"Yeah, I have missed a couple classes." I explained.
"Well care to tell me why?" She asked. I forced my self to swallow my tears.
"Just sick. I'll be fine."
"Ashley, I'm worried about you. Andy called here yesterday and said that you have been depressed. You can talk to me baby." I knew she was concerned but I couldn't bring myself to tell her all that has been going on.
"I'm okay." She sighed and we said our goodbyes. Talking to my mom has always been easy, but right now I don't want to talk to anyone. I will have to wait till the weekend to talk to her. Knowing that I would have to go to the nurses office to excuse me for the past few days I went back to my room and got cleaned up then I made my way to the Administrative building. There were a few kids walking around in the quad but not many for most were in classes. As I made my way across the school grounds I spotted Sky. He wasn't in class either. He was beautiful. He had this slightly long blonde hair that hung in his face. He was about 5'11 like me. He walked with his head down, like he was watching his every step. He was wearing a orange hooded sweatshirt and dark blue jeans. It's still winter so it was cold out. I reached the door to the building and took one last glance at Skyler. His deep emerald eyes were looking back at me, not expecting to see him looking at me I ducked into the building as fast as I could. The building was busy with teachers and staff. I reached the nurses office and took a seat. After about 3 minutes Mrs. Kinsley appeared. She was a older plump woman with a very pleasant smile.
"Hello dear." She greeted me.
"Hello, I'm Ashley Hunter. I've missed a couple of my classes because I have been sick. I need to get passes for my classes." I explained.
"Your mother called here already. You have been excused for the rest of the day." She said as she handed me several pink passes. "Now you run back to your room and get some rest."
"Yes Mrs. Kinsley, thank you." With that, I left and made my way back to my dorm. I was hoping to see Sky in the quad again but I had no such luck. Well it is probably for the better. He brings out the side of me I desperately try to hide.
The rest of my day was pretty uneventful, seems all I want to do is sleep. I woke up again about 7 p.m. I lay in my bed just staring at the ceiling. What's wrong with me? I don't even have the strength to get up. I heard a gentle knock at the door and forced my self to stand. Andy was there with a plate of food and i realized that I hadn't eaten in about two days. Weird, though, I wasn't hungry. I picked at my food while my little bro watched with a worried look on his face.
"I don't understand. Sky is your best friend. Why does the gay thing bother you so much?" He asked. I closed my eyes once again letting my tears fall. He sat patiently waiting for an answer.
"Andy I... I'm.. ...." He was watching me attentively. The next few words came out in a whisper and I regretted them the moment the slipped though my lips. "Andy I am ...gay."
I hope you enjoyed the first chapter of 'Ashamed, but if you don't write me I wont know. Please e-mail me no matter what you think at Srchadwick@aol.com. copyright2002