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Ashamed Written by Rene Edited by Dave
Chapter 2
Instant regret is all that I felt the very moment those words slipped off the tip of my tongue. I kept repeating them in my head "Andy, I'm gay", "Andy, I'm gay". I think I was more shocked by the fact that I had actually said it than Andy was. He sat there, motionless. When he found out that Skyler was gay he was supportive of him. Things change when they hit a little closer to home. I sat there, staring at him, hoping he would accept and at the same time fearing he wouldn't. I was so close to saying 'Psych! Just kidding', wanting to forget this moment had just taken place, but the reality of what happened slowly set in and the tension was so thick you could have cut it with a knife. I broke down, crying so hard that I had to gasp uncontrollably just to breathe. I couldn't raise my head to look at my little brother. My heart soon broke as I heard the door to my small dorm room close and I was alone.
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I can't even begin to explain the feelings I have experienced in this last week. Anger, sadness, regret, shame, and the worst of all, I have felt completely alone. I would never have thought that I could, not only lose Wes, but my best friend and my brother. And all in less than a week! Kyle and I have still kept our friendship but its not the same. Its like he has drifted away from all of us. I think that he was also upset at Sky when he first 'came out'. Wes has not spoken to me since he moved out of our dorm room. I do see him around because we share a couple of classes, but unfortunately assigned seating separates us. He also makes sure that he is the last one to come into class and the first one to leave, just so he can avoid me. Andy has done everything in his power not to run into me for the past week. He didn't even go home for the weekend. He spent it with a friend of his. He hasn't come by to see me and I have yet to see him walking around at school. Kyle tells me that Skyler still hates me. Apparently Sky is getting a lot of bullshit from Andrew and his friends and he blames every torturous moment on me. I can't say I don't blame him though, if I could I would go back to the night he came out to me and do it all over again, but this time completely different. I have actually contemplated apologizing to him but I'm scared that he might punch me again. His anger towards me seems to be growing as the days go by, and I fear I'll lose him forever if I don't fix this soon. But the more he hates me the less I want to approach him. Sky, unlike the others, is not avoiding me. He makes sure to see me in the quad and to give me cold stares. The last words he said to me were 'I hate you' and I'll never forget them. I also remember Wes telling me that Sky loved me and that he couldn't understand why. I can't help but wonder if any of the love Sky once felt for me remains in his heart.
In the week that has passed, I can't help to feel like I have fallen into a hole of self-pity and self-hatred. The hardest part of my day is waking up in the morning. It doesn't help that I go to and all boys school. I walk around campus and see nothing but boys and I have to force myself to turn around and walk away or stare in another direction. Every thought that runs through my mind makes my eyes well up with tears and I lower my head in shame. I constantly feel guilty about being gay. In my mind it is not normal and I am sad because I cannot accept who I am. I have to give myself a pep talk each morning to get myself out of bed. That simple task gets harder and harder because I know that from the very moment I step outside of my dorm room all of the guilt, the shame, and the sadness take over my head. I would give anything to be happy, if only for 5 minutes. I just want to feel 'normal' again.
Usually on the weekends, Andy and I go home and spend time with our Mom. This time, though, she would be out of town visiting our sick grandma and we will have to stay at school. Since its Friday I decided that I would go to the library instead of class because I did not want to see anybody and to also get a head start on some schoolwork. I made sure to sit at an empty table and spread out my books and papers to let others know I needed my space. About halfway through one of my outlines I felt a presence of someone around me. I glanced up to see a kid about my age standing next to the table.
"Can I sit here?" He asked me. I was slightly annoyed because I had planned to sit alone. I took a moment to glance around the room and noticed that out of the five tables three were empty and this guy wants to sit at mine. Before I could give him an answer he moved my books over and sat in the seat directly across from me. I ignored him and went back to my work. No more then a few seconds later this guy starts tapping his pen on the table. I tried to pay no attention to it at first but my patience grew thin and I snapped. I reached over, grabbed the pen out of his hand, and placed it on the table in front of us.
"Do you mind?" I asked. He looked at me and our eyes met for the first time. My mind flustered and I quickly forgot my annoyance when I saw his hazel eyes. His hair hung loose around his face. It was about ear length and dark brown. His skin was smooth and flawless. He held his head at a slight tilt with a huge grin plastered to his face. I think he enjoyed irritating me. It didn't take long for my head to swarm with guilt and shame for admiring him. I lowered my head to hide my eyes and forced my tears away. I gathered my things and stood up to leave.
"I'm sorry" I said before I turned to leave.
"It's a nervous habit." He said before I could walk away. I turned around and faced him giving him a questioning look. "The tapping of my pen" he explained, "I do it when I am nervous." All I could think was 'can I leave now' but I couldn't pull my eyes away from his face. "You can sit back down, I promise not to interrupt anymore." I debated on whether or not I should stay but I gave in and sat back down. I went back to my books and started doing the work from where I had left off.
"I'm new here." I tried to hide my annoyance at being interrupted again. "I just started this semester" he continued. I really didn't want to be rude but if I would have tried to talk I would have sounded like and idiot so I just continued writing. "My name is Bryce." He said, and then he stayed quiet. I guess he was waiting for me to respond and when I didn't he got annoyed and stood up. "Sorry I bothered you" he muttered as he gathered his things.
"Hey, wait! I'm really sorry." I said before he could walk away. "I have a lot on my mind. I was rude, I'm really sorry." I explained. He looked me over and now it was his turn to debate whether to stay or not. He too gave in and sat down. "I'm Ash" I said extending my hand.
"Nice to meet you." He said as we shook. "Sorry I bothered you. I just wanted to meet new people."
"It's okay. I had planned to be alone today but I guess some company wont hurt." He smiled.
We ended up talking for about an hour and half about school and his past schools. It was great to talk to someone new and being gay wasn't an issue for once. For the first time in two weeks I had no problems or worries. Eventually he had to leave and we parted. I wanted to take a nap so I gathered my things and left also.
I was rounding a corner on my way to my dorm room when I noticed Andy sitting at one of the phone booths ahead of me. This was the first time I had seen him since that unforgettable night. He did not seem to be too happy and looked as if he was in a heated conversation. He wasn't able to see me from the direction he was facing and I was able to watch him for a second. I missed him a lot. Someone called out 'Hey Ash' from the other side of the hallway and interrupted my thoughts. It was a guy from a couple of my classes just saying 'hi' but happened to get the attention of everyone in the hallway, including Andy. I turned back to Andy and saw him staring at me. I could tell when our eyes met that he wasn't angry with me. He was sad. He quickly looked away and slammed the receiver of the phone into the cradle and walked off not even giving me a second look. Not wanting to go another day without my little bro., I ran to catch up to him.
"Andy, wait up!" I yelled out to him. I broke out into a trot to close the distance between us.
"Leave me alone" He said as I fell into step beside him. He didn't even look at me he just started walking faster.
"Please Andy!" I begged grabbing his arm and spinning him around to face me. He shrugged my hand off his arm and looked me in the face.
"I said, leave me alone!" He turned to walk off again. I couldn't hold back the tears any longer and I felt them burn down my cheeks.
"Why won't you talk to me? Why do you hate me!" I yelled after him. My knees gave in and I fell down sobbing. It took me a moment to realize where I was and that people were watching. I regained my composure and quietly looked around me. Andy was gone, nowhere in sight. He left me again. I lowered my head in shame and walked back to my room.
Kyle was lying on his bed, starring at the ceiling, when I walked in. Kyle has never gone home for the weekends, not once since he started at Cathedral. His parents sent him to this school when he reached 6th grade and never once came back to see him. At first he would lie and tell everyone that his parents died in car accident but he eventually told us the awful truth. Kyle's parents didn't want him. They felt boarding school was too harsh so they sent him to this private catholic school. Kyle used to cry at night knowing that his parents didn't want him. Sky would tell Wes and I, how he would sleep in Kyle's bed while he cried. Kyle never talks about his parents anymore. It's like they don't exist. His friends are the only family he has. I think with all the shit that was happening with the guys, Kyle felt not only torn but also alone. He looked at me as I moved around the room picking up some of my mess. I glanced over and for the first time in 4 years I really looked at Kyle. He was one of the cutest boys in our school and I had never noticed until that moment. He had dyed bleach blonde hair that he spiked and had the best dark green eyes you would ever see. He has the style and the build of a surfer boy from California. His lips were fleshy pink and pouty. I pulled my eyes from his face and continued my cleaning, hoping he didn't notice me staring. I hate when I lose focus like that. It's like I can't control my own mind.
"Your staying this weekend right?" He asked me.
"Yeah, I am staying." I answered back melancholy.
"What's wrong Ash?"
"It's Andy. I think he hates me" I responded.
"He is your brother, Ash. He could never hate you. I've seen the how close you to are. He could never hate you." I looked over at him and he had a sad look on his face. "I wish I had a brother." He seemed lost in his thoughts and then snapped out of it and smiled at me. Talk about suppressing your feelings, but then again Kyle has never been one to open up. "Why would he hate you?"
"Umm.. uh... I don't know why, he just won't talk to me." I said wanting very badly to get away from the subject.
"Oh, well he will come around. He always does." He said confidently. Maybe he was right. Andy always comes around. I nodded as a response and glanced around the room to make sure everything was in place. My eyes locked on his and for a split second I was totally in awe of him. He smiled and walked over to me and gently placed a kiss on my lips. I didn't know what to do. I just stood there shocked.
"Ash. Ash! Earth to ASH!" I heard Kyle call out and I shook the daydream from of my head.
My mind was playing tricks on me. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath and tried my hardest not to cry at the single most 'gayest' thought I've had since I was 14 years old. Not able to look at Kyle any more I grabbed my jacket and left the room as quickly as possible. I ran down the stairs as my eyes clouded with tears. All I wanted to do was get away from everything. I ran out the back entrance and into the quad of the school. I stopped at a bench to catch my breath and clear my head. I can't even express the amount of pain and guilt that I felt at that moment. I sat down on the bench and scanned the people around me. The bench just happen to be facing the parking lot and I spotted Skyler sitting on the curb waiting for his mother.
Skyler's dad died of a heart attack when we were in seventh grade. He took it really hard and even missed two months of school. His Mom struggled for a really long time without the help of Mr. Stone. Sky makes sure that he goes home every weekend so that his mother isn't alone more then she has to be. Finally Ms. Stone pulled up in her blue Volvo. I saw Sky wave her over and climb into the passenger seat. He buckled his seat belt and as she pulled out, he turned to look out at the window and our eyes met. I didn't get the cold stare I usually get from Skyler, instead I saw the pain and sadness I have caused him. That pang of regret came crawling back and I had to look away first. Then he was gone. Another weekend without my best friend.
"Hey.." I heard someone say from beside me. I turned to see who it was.
"Hey Bryce" I said avoiding eye contact with him. I didn't want him to see my red eyes.
"Are you okay?" He asked me.
"Yeah, I'm fine. You're not going home for the weekend?" I asked.
"Umm... No. My Mom called and said that she had plans. I'm stuck here for the weekend." He said lowering his head.
"Oh sorry, were you looking forward to going?" I asked
"Not really" He responded, shrugging his shoulders. I could tell that he was hiding his true feelings. "What about you? You are not going home this weekend?"
"No, I usually do but my Mom is out of town. My grandmother is ill."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that." He responded. I looked up at him and I could tell that he genuinely cared and I felt comfortable with him. I managed to avoid eye contact the entire time we sat down and talked. I also forced myself to pay attention to other things so that I wasn't so focused on him. The last thing I wanted or needed was to have another horrible daydream like the one I had with Kyle. He ended up sitting with me for about thirty minutes and we talked the entire time. After the sun started to set he asked me if I wanted to go to the lobby and watch some television, so I agreed.
We entered the lobby that had two big couches and a love seat. It had a big screen TV in the center against the wall. There were coffee tables and sofa chairs scattered around the room and soda/snack machines lined up against the wall. It was like a little cafe. The residency staff turn everything off at 9 o'clock during the weekdays but on the weekend they give us the lobby till about 11 p.m. Bryce went to the TV and started flipping the channels. He stopped on MTV and we went to sit down on the sofa that was centered to the television. He sat on one far corner and I sat on the other. For about 30 minutes neither of said anything as we watched a stream of videos. I was sort of drifting off to sleep when he finally spoke.
"Hey Ash, it's 7 o'clock. Want to go get dinner from the dining hall?" He asked me.
"I'm not really hungry but if you want to go, I'll go." I offered.
"Nah, I'm not hungry either." One of the residency staff members came into the lobby. They usually do rounds to make sure everything is in order and that everyone was accounted for.
"You boys eat dinner yet?" Mrs. Weller asked. Both Bryce and I nodded in response and she quickly left. I let out a contagious yawn and rubbed my eyes.
"You sleepy?" He asked me.
"Yes, I had a long day, but I don't want to see my roommate right now." I explained. It was true seeing Kyle right now wasn't a good idea if I wanted to keep from breaking down one of these days.
"Well, I don't have a roommate yet so you can use that extra bed if you want." Bryce offered. At first I wanted to say 'no' because sleeping that close to Bryce was mentally unhealthy for me but seeing Kyle is worse so I gave in to my objections and agreed. As we were leaving the lobby, Andrew, and a friend of his named Shawn, were walking in. I held my breath and hoped he wouldn't say anything to me, especially in front of my new friend, but Andrew couldn't hold in any comments.
"You know Ash, I hear your faggot friend gives great head. I think I'll give him a try." For that split second that it took to turn around I thought of Sky giving head to Andrew and grimaced. I looked at Bryce, who raised his eyebrows, and we turned to face Andrew. Of course he had a shit eating grin on his face.
"Sky wouldn't suck your dick if you paid him." I retorted. The smile left his face as he thought of a response.
"Fuck you Ashley...Your a pussy faggot just like him." At this point I was to scared to turn to Bryce. I was scared he may be disgusted with me after what Andrew had said, but he stood beside me not saying a word. "Is this your new cock sucker?" He asked referring to Bryce. Furious and embarrassed, I clenched my fist and swung at Andrew. I surprised myself on the amount of force I used. He fell to the ground and I was quickly on top of him throwing blows to his face. The impact of my fists to his face drew blood, and all the fury and rage I held inside for the past two weeks was suddenly being taken out on Andrew. I could feel him struggling to punch me back but I was too blinded with madness to care. All I wanted was for Andrew to endure all the pain and suffering I have put myself through. I wanted to release the guilt and the shame of his nasty comments out on his already beaten face. As I raised another hand to hit his face I was suddenly ripped off of him by my shirt and thrown to the side, landing on my ass. I scrambled to my feet to see Andrew also standing up. I looked around the room and for the first time noticed the crowd that had gathered because of the commotion. Mr. Scottsdale, who pulled me off of Andrew, stood in between us with his hands on his hip and a furious look on his face.
"I want both of you in my office first thing in the morning! DO NOT make me come and get you! EVERYBODY to your dorms, NOW!" Mr. Scottsdale yelled. The crowd quickly scattered and Andrew walked by me on his way out. He made sure to bump his shoulder against mine and mumble some words I couldn't make out. I turned to Mr. Scottsdale as he spoke to me. "I expect this from Mr. Steven's, but you are smarter then that, Mr. Hunter." With that said he turned and stomped out of the room. I glanced around the room and locked eye contact with Bryce. We were once again the only ones in the lobby.
"Well, now I know never to piss you off." He said calmly. I couldn't help but smile at his comment and he smiled back. We walked out of the lobby and Bryce started telling me exactly what happened after I was blinded by my rage. I had never lost my temper like that before and was still a little shocked at my actions. I raised my hand to run through my hair but was restrained by a horrible pain the shot though my palm. I looked at my hand and grimaced at the pain. Bryce noticed and handed me a key to his dorm room.
"Its number 2k, go sit down. I'm going to go get you an ice pack for your hand." I found his dorm room and entered. I sat down on the bed that was on the empty side of the room. I closed my eyes and relaxed, going over all the events of the day. I opened my eyes when Bryce turned the knob and stepped into the room. He handed me an ice pack and went to sit on his bed.
"So what was that all about?" He asked.
"My friend is gay and he found out. He is just trying to get a rise out of me." I explained.
"Well, it looks like he did." He commented. Up until that moment I had not felt bad about my actions but his comment made me realize that I had given Andrew exactly what he wanted.
"Bryce, He deserved that!" I said trying to justify my actions.
"Maybe so, but are you prepared for when he retaliates?" He asked me. He was right. I caught Andrew off guard but now he will come back with a vengeance and beating him will not be so easy. I lowered my head again ashamed of myself. I heard Bryce step of his bed and walk over to me.
"Ash, You're right! He did deserve that but it isn't worth all the shit he is going to put you through after today. Guys like him do not give up till they are satisfied, and unfortunately he will never be satisfied." He said. I tried really hard to fight back my tears but gave in and let them flow down my cheeks. Bryce quickly put his arm around my shoulder and sat down next to me. I knew that he knew there was more to this than I had explained but thankfully he didn't pester me for details. I felt stupid for crying in front of him because I had barely met him that day. He didn't seem to mind but in my head I was beating myself up. I finally wiped my tears off my face and looked at my new friend. His hazel eyes full of concern. I was then caught of guard when he leaned in and kissed me. At first I thought it was my imagination playing tricks on me again but the reality set in and I closed my eyes. He let his lips linger on my mine before he broke the kiss. I opened my eyes and new tears came to my eyes. He leaned in again this time kissing me with a little more force. The kiss was sensual and sweet. He gently parted my lips with his tongue allowing entrance into my mouth. Our tongue's met and swirled around each other. My body betrayed me and I leaned back allowing him to climb on top of me. Our kiss became a little more rapid and his hands started to roam over my body. My body was in submission to his touch but it didn't last long as guilt slowly seeped its way into my head. I opened my eyes and a pushed Bryce of me. I jumped to my feet but was to scared to look at him. Disgusted with myself I ran out of his room and back to my dorm.
Thankful that Kyle wasn't around I went into the bathroom and turned on the shower. I stripped off my clothes and slowly moved myself under the hot water. The tears were still flowing down my face but soon disappeared when the water hit my face. Through out the shower I kept replaying in my mind, Andy walking away from me, me running away from Kyle, Andrew's bloody face, and Bryce's kiss. All of which made me horribly sad and angry with myself. My actions made me furious and I wanted nothing more then to give up and end all my petty problems. I don't know how long I was in the shower but when I got out Kyle was asleep in his bed. I looked over at the clock and saw that it was still early. Only 9:30. The tears still came to my eyes as I walked around the room in search of something to wear. I couldn't hold back the sniffles and wanted to leave the room before I woke Kyle. I put on some sweat pants, socks, an Adidas T-shirt, and left the room gently closing the door behind me. I made my way to the stairwell and climbed up to the third floor of the building. I found the room I was looking for and knocked. There was no answer so I grabbed the knob and checked to see if it was unlocked and it was. The room was dark when I entered but I noticed right away that one bed was empty and one bed was occupied. I knew who owned the empty bed and also knew that he was gone for the weekend. My body started to shake as I closed the door behind me. I slowly made my way to the occupied bed making sure to hold back my tears. When I reached the side of the bed I saw his angelic face. He was so peaceful when he slept. I started to choke back on my tears as I lowered my self to my knees beside his bed. I was about two-seconds away from a total break down.
"Andy" I whispered. No response. "Andy" I whispered again this time leaning closer to his ear. "Andy, please wake up ... " I started sobbing, " I need you ..." I lowered my head onto his bed and sobbed. I felt his hand on the back of my head and I looked up to see him looking back at me through sleepy eyes. "I don't want to be gay" was all I managed to say before he pulled me into a hug. That night I slept in the safest arms. My little brother's.
I was really excited to write this chapter after the enormous amount of positive emails I received for the first chapter. Unfortunately, I was so worried about impressing my readers that I couldn't focus. That's is why I took so long to write this chapter. The chapters after this should come a lot sooner and I hope that you all enjoyed this chapter as much as the first one. I'd like to thank all of you who took the time to write me. I appreciate it. I would love to hear feed back on this chapter as well. Please e-mail me comments at Srchadwick@aol.com. Thanks Again!!