Bailey By Rory M. Chapter 9
Bailey woke up in a cold sweat. He had the dream again. It had been reoccurring for the past several weeks, always different but each ending with the crucifix falling or him being accosted in public.
It was the last week of May, and for the past 3 weeks he had switched antidepressants and started to see Dr. Lavine twice a week now, once by himself and once as a family. The Prozac was supposed to bring him out of his moods, so he and his parents were told, but it left him constantly tired and feeling dopey. He was starting to have nightmares and was becoming more frustrated with himself and his emotions. The therapy to him wasn't going anywhere, at least not in a positive direction. Everything he was told seemed to be another problem he had to face or some goal he should set for himself to achieve. It was more stressful then not going to begin with in his opinion.
Lavine told him he had signs of being a manic-depressive, had severe social anxiety, had a problem with being submissive, especially with his brother, and the list continued. If any of this was supposed to make him feel better about himself it wasn't, and now that the medications were heaping on he felt as if he truly was mentally ill. All he needed was a straight jacket and a frontal lobotomy, at least that's the way he felt.
He sat up in his bed and tried to figure out where he was and why he felt so panicked. The alarm clock on his nightstand read that it was 5:15 AM. This sadly was becoming a normal for him. He couldn't completely wake up during the day but sleeping was hard at night. When he did sleep the nightmares were bad. He started to cry in his frustration and lack of sleep. His small frame shook slightly from medication side effects and exhaustion. He didn't understand fully why he was crying, which upset him even more. He lay back down and tried to calm himself for more sleep.
At the same time Collin was getting out of bed across the house. It was a routine for him to get up on a few work mornings a week and take a jog before the family got up. He walked down the hall passed the boys room as he always did, stopping to look in on each of them as they slept. He had always watched them sleep since they were infants, but now he only stole glimpses like these in the early morning hours. He stood in the doorway watching Bailey for a few moments, until he realized that he wasn't moving in his sleep, that he was awake.
"Bailey? Why are you awake so early kiddo?" he said lightly but in a good-natured way as he approached the bed. Bailey curled himself into a tighter ball, trying to hide the fact that he was crying from his father, but it wasn't much use. Collin noticed as soon as he rounded the bed that something was wrong.
"Bailey what's wrong? Come on kiddo sit up," he pulled Bailey into a hug. The sudden contact made the boy relieved not to be alone, which was probably one of his biggest problems. Collin wrapped his arm around his back and head and moved himself onto the bed as Bailey continued to cry into his shoulder. He didn't speak except to say "It's ok" from time to time. He didn't show his concern or confusion to Bailey, which in reality helped. He just cradled his son until the sobbing slowed. Collin was used to the sudden shift in mood that Bailey had since his ordeal in the hospital, but he hadn't seen him like this since the night he came out, and was definitely caught off guard.
"Bailey Boy, what's wrong, babe?" he said slightly above a whisper into Bailey's ear as he continued to rub his back and hold him.
"I don't know," Bailey was half way between a whimper and a sob, "I...I don't know! I don't know what's wrong with me dad, I don't understand."
"Shhh, it's alright relax," Collin held him closer, "How long have you been up?"
"I...I don't know. I didn't sle-eeep well an-and I had a dream...I don't kno-ow," his speech was broken up by sniffles and gasps as he tried to compose himself after so much crying.
"A dream? Is that what upset you, a bad dream? Are you feeling all right Bail? Why couldn't you sleep?" he pulled him away from his shoulder to look into his eyes and feel his forehead, trying to detect signs of sickness that maybe would make some sense.
"I can never sleep, and the dream is just..."
"Just what Bail, what happened in your dream?"
"Nothing happens in my dreams, they're all the same! That stupid cross falls off the wall every time and something bad happens. This one it fell off and then I ended up being punched by some guy walking down the street. I don't understand it," the look of confusion on Bailey's face scared him. Karen had mentioned that he wasn't acting the same since he went on the meds, but now he saw it with his own eyes. The confusion, the painfully lost look. He thought for a second on all of the medications that his son had been put on over the past few months.
'First it was heart medications, Zoloft, some antibiotics just to combat infection because the overdose weakened him. Now it was Prozac on top of the Zoloft and ...damn what's the name of those purple pills? Isn't he on some steroid too, to help him with the antibiotics...Jesus Christ how much medication do we have him on?' he snapped back from his train of thought as Bailey whimpered through the end of his colicky sniveling. "Bailey sit-up. Here, blow your nose and calm down," he handed him a tissue from the nightstand and propped him up against his headboard, "I'm going to call Dr. Lavine today and I want you to tell him about these dreams. And I want to see what we can do about taking you off of some of these meds, I don't think they're doing you much good."
"NO!! I don't want to go, I was just there yesterday. Dad, I don't want to, please don't make me!" Bailey returned to the brink of tears.
"Shhh, alright, alright. We'll talk about this later. Bail, do you have any idea why you're having these dreams, like what started them or anything?"
"The first one... The first one was on the night before I..."
"I see," a look of concern was now evident on Collin's face, "Well then maybe it's time to go see Father Raike," Bailey gave him a quizzical look, "Seriously, maybe it's something he can help you with. He had said that you seemed to be losing your faith, maybe these dreams are an indication of that."
"But I still believe, I just..."
"I didn't say you didn't, but maybe you should go see him for just some positive counsel. I know you trust Father Raike more than the doctor's, so if you feel more comfortable go see him about this. I'm not saying you're stopping Dr. Lavine, but I can understand to a degree why you don't want to go."
"He doesn't understand me, dad. He just says I have a lot of issues and I need to help myself get over them. How the hell is that supposed to make me feel better? He doesn't do anything except put me on pills, I don't get it," Bailey sank onto his side and into a half circle on the bed. He faced away from his father in aggravation. He couldn't say what he wanted to, what he felt. It was excruciating and he knew he wouldn't get what he wanted, even though having his dad there was comforting enough at the moment.
Collin reached out and rubbed Bailey's back. He again remained silent; pretty much staying with the notion that now wasn't the time and what he really needed was just comfort and affection. He rubbed his hand up and down his back, slowly and softly. The outcome usually was a calming effect, and this time was no exception. Bailey's breathing slowed and his rigid ness softened. He no longer sniffled and his eyes seemed to become more focused, though still very tired. He ran his fingers through Bailey's curly hair, which since the time he was little always put him over the edge, no matter how angry, upset, or tired he was: that was pretty much the kryptonite that got him. Bailey was now like putty in his father's hands, which was fine with him. He hadn't felt that comfortable and safe in weeks.
"What else is bothering you, Bail? I can't see you getting this upset just about dreams. Is their something else going on that you wanted to talk about?"
Bailey sighed before he answered, thinking of everything that was going on around him and how unconnected he felt to a lot of it. "I don't know, dad. I just don't feel better. Everyone says I look better and I'm making progress and this and that and it's bull. I don't feel better, I don't feel happier, and I don't even feel more comfortable around people except for maybe Rich. Shane is still making me out to be the bad guy. I didn't do anything to him. He won't even look at me anymore. I just wish I never did what I did, and I wish I never said anything. It's too hard, dad. It's just so hard," he was getting choked up now and couldn't continue.
Collin sat up against the headboard of the bed next to his curled up teenager. His fingers still traced up and down his back, trying to sooth him, as he sat and tried to come back with something to say.
"Bailey, do you remember that time when we were in North Carolina at that house your mother's friend lent us for two weeks. I guess it was about 5 or 6 years ago?" Bailey grunted out his 'uh huh' as his father continued to alternate between rubbing his back and playing with his hair, "Well, remember when we took you and Shane to the dunes to fly that stupid little paper kite we bought near the beach? You and Shane got into a fight over it, and he ended up pushing you down the side of the dune. You were so upset and shaken when you made it to the bottom, but you were fine," Bailey actually smirked about that slide down the steep sand mountain. In retrospect it was pretty humorous to him.
"Well, when we all made it down to the bottom do you remember what happened? You were fine, maybe a little sandy, but ok. The funny thing was that Shane was balling. He thought you died when you rolled off the edge of that dune.
He even gave you the damn kite, remember?" Bailey let out a small chuckle as he sat up and curled into his fathers arm.
"The point is that even though he doesn't show it or doesn't realize it, he does care about you. It might take him some time to realize it, or maybe for him to push you off a cliff, but he does. You just have to give him time.
"As for the rest of it, it will come in time, Bail, it really will. I think you just have good and bad days, like the rest of us. Yah just have to hang in there kiddo, because you really are doing better. I know you don't see it, but you are. You smile more than you used to. You're talking to more people and more often then you used to, especially to this Rich guy. You just have to give yourself a chance, because it's going to take a while and it's not going to flow into one big happy, you'll hit some snags.
"Now, why don't you get some sweats on and join me on my jog, you haven't been getting much activity lately."
"I'm really tired Dad, do we have to do this at," he glanced over at his alarm clock, "6:07 in the morning? I don't think I'll make it."
"We'll just walk then, come on. It will clear your head a little."
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"It's too muggy for this early in the morning."
"Oh stop whining. It's May, what do you expect."
"To be in an air-conditioned vacuum."
"Funny, kiddo. Are you feeling any better?" Collin looked over at his son with the same concerned look that he had moments before.
"I guess. I don't know why I do that sometimes. I just cry at small things, it's like I have no control over the reflex."
"Does it happen a lot?"
"Sometimes. More recently than ever, and they always seem to be provoked, it's not like I randomly cry."
"Well, when you have another attack like that just come and get me or your mother. You shouldn't be alone during them."
"It's ok, I think I'm just overly tired and can't think straight. Can we head back now?"
"We're less than a half mile away from home, Bail."
"Fine, have it your way, but you're carrying my tired ass home if we go over a mile."
"You can be a real punk when you're tired."
"Sorry."
Collin scoffed at him and playfully pulled him into a half hug as they walked down the quite street. The chat was kept lighter, most likely because Bailey was slightly embarrassed and Collin was still frightened by his son's state of mind.
"So, you looking forward to camp?"
"Yep, I'm counting down the days before I'm shipped out. Should I get a buzz cut or do you think they'll do that for me before they hand out the fatigues. OOOOHHH, maybe they'll have hazing. Or maybe they'll just beat the shit out of me anyway because of well...let's face it. I'm gay and going to a bible camp...I'll be the soul purpose for unity. 'Let's all beat that kid up because Jesus told me so!'"
"You're going to camp, and you're going to see father Raike."
"I know, I'm just not looking forward to it."
"What's going to happen when we send you away to college after next year? You'll just fit in with no problems? You need to learn how to cope with people your own age, and this is a good way to do it. Just try it for us, ok? If it's that bad we'll come and get you, but at least give it a couple of weeks."
"I will...it's just scary for me, ok? Am I allowed to have my doubts? It's bigger for me than it is for you guys, if you didn't notice I have a problem with dealing with people."
"This could help you get over that. Why do you think we're sending you? Come on Bailey, listen to me, please?"
"I hear you, that doesn't mean I want to listen."
"You've got 3 weeks before you go. Everyone has given the green light, even your doctor's. Shane is even going, but that's because he's a wise ass and he needs a dose of the real world. Hey, are you ok?"
Bailey had tripped slightly, making him stumble for a moment until he regained some of his sense of balance and his father caught him by the shoulder. He was feeling slightly dizzy, or maybe just tired.
"Can we start walking home now, I'm tired."
"Sure buddy, sure," They turned around to start the walk back to the house. Each was silent in thought for a few moments. Collin was keeping a watchful eye on Bailey, who seemed weaker than he thought originally. He didn't falter again, but he still kept close by his side, watching him trek back up the street. Bailey was oblivious to his father's vigilance. Instead his head ached and his body told him he was too tired. He didn't want to push the camp issue anymore; it was already dead.
"Hey, why don't I take the day off and we can do something."
"I'm kind of tired, I don't know. What would we do, anyway?" Bailey was afraid this could turn into going on a hike, which his father often liked to do.
"Well, you can go home and sleep up. Maybe we can go...maybe we can go catch a movie, or...maybe go fishing or something? What do you say?"
"Fishing? Neither of us have fished once, we don't even own poles. That's a disaster waiting to happen."
"Bail, being an optimist really helps a persons outlook on life...at least in my opinion."
"I haven't slept in a month, cut me some slack, dad."
"Yeah yeah, so what will it be?"
"Why don't you go to work and we'll catch a movie tonight, I'm just really not feeling great, you know?" Bailey pleaded with his father.
"Ok...but we are going fishing before you go away."
"That's going to be interesting. Do I get to ride in the front of the ambulance when you injure yourself with a fishing pole?"
"Alright, time for a jog. See yah at home," Collin started to slowly jog ahead of Bailey, who still walked and fumed at his change of pace.
"Dad. Dad come on, don't leave me here...I'm sorry, can you slow down?"
"You know, a little running might do you some good. Clear your head out a little, you know?" Collin said as he jogged backwards for a few moments. Bailey mocked a pout and kept walking. IF he wasn't so tired he would, but he just felt too shaky to stay at his father's pace at that moment. Collin stopped his jog and walked back to his place next to Bailey, giving him a playful kiss on the forehead to discourage the morose look on his face.
They walked the two more blocks home easily and pleasantly. Mostly small talk and some playful hitting now and then, but nothing that warranted serious thought or any more excitement for either of them. They entered the house quietly and wound up on the living room furniture, which they would have gotten screamed at if Bridgett or Karen were awake, but for now they sprawled out on the furniture like it wasn't immaculate.
"I really don't want to take the meds anymore," Bailey said abruptly.
"I don't want you to, either. We'll take care of that, for now just take the day easy. IF you need to talk or feel panicky again today don't hesitate to call me at work, ok? I'm gonna get in the shower, you ok?"
"Yeah, I'm going back to bed. Dad?"
"Yeah kiddo?"
"I love you. I just, I really needed this today, you know?"
"Yeah babe, I know. I love you, too." He walked over and hugged his son before they parted ways for the day. Bailey went up to his room and finally got the sleep that he needed, and Collin showered, woke the rest of the family, and went on with his usual day.
At about 11 Bailey woke up to the phone ringing, but didn't pick it up. He came around just to hear the answering machine going off.
"Hey Bail. Don't get up, I'm just checking in anyway. I guess we'll catch a show after dinner; I already talked to your mom about it. Umm...I hope you're feeling better and all. Well, I'll see you later kiddo. Oh and another thing, I was thinking that maybe we'd go fishing later...Love yah kiddo, see yah later."
Bailey smiled to himself before rolling over and going back to sleep.
Any comments can be sent to St_Rory@hotmail.com