Copyright Notice - This story is copyright by Pete Roholt and the author retains all rights. You may distribute, copy or print this story however you like, as long as this copyright notice remains intact and you do not change the story in any way. Also you may not charge any fee to anyone to distribute or access this story.
Okay you all know the routine if you ain't supposed to read this don't. If you do don't get caught. If male to male affection and or sex bothers you get lost. There isn't any sex in this part. This story is going to deal with being outed in high school, gay bashing, suicide and other intense themes (If my writing is up to it ) This is fiction it isn't true some scenes are based on my own experiences with names changed to protect the guilty. Any comments will be welcome at pistonpolisher@grabmail.com
Sorry for having made you wait for so long, but you will notice it is much larger than any of the previous chapters and also this one was really hard to write. I don't know if the larger chapters are better because you have to wait longer for them, but I know I prefer longer chapters even though I have to wait for them.
The Ballad Of JT By Pete Roholt Chapter11
"My what a pretty sight we have here." Jason said. Looking at Dallas and I asleep in each others arms.
"Umm hmm oh hi Jason." I said as I slowly woke up.
"This could look pretty incriminating JT."
"Hmm Oh you mean Dallas and I." I returned, "He woke me up from a nightmare and I guess we kind of fell asleep like this. I suppose I should wake him up."
"Naw he looks like he's a little boy like that."
"Jason all guys look like little boys when they are sleeping. You look like that too."
"I do not." He said blushing
"Sure do Jase, I've watched when you sleep I know you do."
"Well if you say so, ummm JT I'm really sorry about Jimmy if there is anything I can do?"
"Thanks Jase, just be here for me. If I get too wrapped up in me give me a swift kick because this shit has me all fucked up. I just don't undertand how he could do this to me... to our love. How could his parents hate him so much to drive him into that place?"
"Your Mom said that you had gotten a letter from him?"
"Yeah it's over on the desk. If you want you can read it, but it has some really personal stuff in it." I said.
"Thanks JT." He said as he walked over to the desk sat down and started to read it.
"Dally time to wake up." I said as I shook him. "Dallas wake up Jason is here."
"Hmmm okay I'm up, I'm up." Dallas murmured as he stretched out all sinewy like a cat. "You feeling any better JT?"
"A little I think," I said. "Thanks for holding me Dallas I really needed it."
"No problem cousin anytime you need me I'm here for you. What's Jason reading?"
"My letter from Jimmy."
"Oh ok, can I read it?"
"Yeah I guess."
"JT," Jason said when he finished the letter, "I didn't know that is how you guys felt. I mean I knew you were gay, but I didn't think that... oh hell I don't know what I'm trying to say. You guys really loved each other didn't you?"
"Yeah, he was my heart. My soul." I said as I felt myself being pulled back down into the depths. "Would you guys mind if we didn't talk about... him? I am about to break down again and I don't want to do that."
"Sure JT. What do you want to do?" Jason asked.
"Let's go take care of my horses. It has been a couple of days since I curried them out. Also they need to be rode again and I am still under doctors orders not to ride."
We spent most of the afternoon working with my horses and screwing around just like we used to in the days before I was bashed. When I would get that distant look on my face either Dallas or Jason would call me back and get me to doing something else. It was a great afternoon too bad it had to end.
"Hey JT it's getting close to six o'clock I'm hungry." Jason said.
"Yeah I guess it is getting late let's go see what mom has on for dinner." I said.
"Mom, what's for dinner?" I asked as we walked into the house.
"I made some swiss steak." she replied as she walked out of the kitchen. "The potatoes are just about ready, but first you guys have to shower you stink of horse sweat. JT you haven't been riding have you? You know what the doctor said about riding this soon."
"I haven't been riding you can ask these two all I have been doing is currying their coats."
"Ok hon, I just don't want anything to happen to you."
"Nothings gonna happen. Unlike someone I loved I'm not goiing to do anything stupid."
"JT, I didn't mean anything..."
"Leave it mom I don't want to hear about it." I said as I stormed off to my room.
"JT, she didn't mean..."
"Damn it, Jason, I know what she meant."
"Take it easy bro, she's just worried you know."
"Yeah I know. You guys go ahead and get cleaned up I better go appologize."
I walked upstair and went into the kitchen mom was in front of the sink it looked like she was washing dishes. "Mom... Mom, I'm sorry I didn't mean to go off like that."
"I know JT. I just wanted to help and I'm afraid for you." She said as she sniffled.
"Oh Mom I didn't want to make you cry." I said as I walked up and put my arms around her.
"JT, I worry about you. I'm here for you, I was here for you when you told us you were gay and I am here for you now. I have to tell you Jimmy's suicide has really got me scared. I know you are under a lot of pressure at school and with your friends, but if that pressure gets to be too much talk to me don't walk away from me."
"Sometimes I need to be left alone. I know you want me to share my problems, but Mom they are my problems."
"Ok I'll try and respect that."
"That's all I ask is that you respect my boundaries."
"Now go get cleaned up JT. You stink of horse." Mom said with a small grin.
I knew I was going to be ok, it might take some time but suicide isn't something that I would contemplate. But how do I get that through to everyone, I thought to myself as I walked down to my room.
"Here Dallas you can wear these." Jason said throwing Dallas some underwear.
"Damn are these underwear there isn't enough material here to cover a guy up." Dallas replied. "You don't think he really wears these do you?"
I knew before I went into the room that they hud dug to the bottom of my underwear drawer and found that thong that Jimmy had bought for me. I could feel myself blushing.
"Speak of the devil," Jason said. "Care to model these for us JT?"
"God you guys had you choice of boxers and briefs, why did you dig all the way to the bottom of the drawer?" I said embarassed as hell.
"Actually I was looking for your stash of porn." Jason said with a grin.
"Oh really straight boy? Why were you looking for my stash of porn? Is there something you aren't being honest with me about?" I asked. seeing my chance to turn the tables on him.
"Oh shit, no JT. You know I'm not... jesus no." Jason mumbled trying to get his way out of his mistake.
"Sure Jason tell me some more lies. I remember seeing you check out the guys in the locker room after P.E. those long glances make a lot more sense now."
"Honest JT, I was just giving you shit."
"Yeah sure tell me another one Jason" I said teasing him for all I was worth, "If you want to see my stash all you had to do was ask, but I am a lot smarter than you I keep mine under lock and key."
I walked over to my closet and pulled Dad's old army footlocker out. I reached to the top of the moulding inside the closet and got the key as I opened the box I said, "Help yourself Jason just don't get too upset by your lack of size, gay guys are just naturally better endowed than straight guys."
I was ready for him when he tackled me and we rolled around on the floor and wrestled for a bit until he got to be a little to aggressive and got my ribs a good one.
"Ouch watch the god-damned ribs Jason." I yelped.
"You okay JT?" Dallas asked getting up from the bed where he had collapsed laughing.
"Sorry JT, I forgot about your ribs." Jason said with concern, "I never thought... we were just fooling around."
"I'm okay guys, I forgot about them myself, won't forget now though." I said ruefully as I rubbed my ribs.
"You had me worried JT, you know I wouldn't hurt you."
"Yeah Jason I know, you're my best bud." I said as I stripped off my shirt, "You guys get dressed and I'll run through the shower really fast."
"What?" I asked Jason as he stared at me. He just stood there staring at my body as I glanced down I knew he was looking at the now yellowish bruises that still marred my body.
"God I am so sorry JT, I didn't understand." Jason said as tears started to come.
"Hey bro I'm okay," I said as I walked over and put my arms around him. "The bruises are just about gone now, I really am feeling better now."
"Those bastards, God Damn those bastards." He said as his feeling of pity turned to rage. "I let this happen to my best friend, God Damn those bastards. We have got to make them pay for this."
"Settle down bro, we will get them if the law doesn't." I replied ending our hug. "I don't know when and I don't know how, but it will happen. Now we are really late I have to shower."
They were waiting for me when I got out of a quick and cold shower.
"You could have left me a little hot water." I said as I pulled on a pair of sweat pants and a sweat shirt.
"We figured after seeing us in our underwear you would need the cold shower." Dallas smirked.
"Smart ass." I replied as we jostled our way up to the dining room.
"About time guys, we were about to eat without you." Dad said as he settled into his chair.
"Sorry Dad had to show doofus here," I said jabbing Jason in the ribs with my elbow, "that I am still the boss."
"You weren't wrestling down there were you?" Mom asked concernedly.
"Just a little Mom," I replied with a grin. "Don't worry even when I was lying in that hospital bed I was more than man enough to beat Jason."
"I wasn't too hard on him Aunt Sarah." Jason said to reassure her.
"Come on now guys let's eat before this gets any colder." Dad said with a big smile.
We sat and ate and my parents kept up a steady stream parent type questions. They asked how boy's night out went and Dallas blushed clear up to his ears as Jason told them about his speech (cleaning up the language a lot).
"Thanks for supper Aunt Sarah that was, as always, a great meal." Jason said.
"Yes Ma'am" Dallas said aggreeing with him. "We'll do the dishes."
"Thanks boys," Mom said, "but why don't you go watch a movie or something I'll take care of the dishes."
Dallas and Jason got up and were walking out of the dining room when they stopped and Jason asked, "You coming JT?"
"I'll be a long in a few minutes I want to talk to mom and dad." I said. "You guys go ahead."
"Ummm well," I said as I looked at my empty plate and felt my parents looking at me. "I want to just tell you that you don't have to worry about me doing what Jimmy did."
I looked up into their faces as I continued, "Jimmy was never very strong, emotionally I knew that. This wasn't the first time he had thought about killing himself. He almost did the night we found each other at the Valentines Day dance. And that wasn't the first time either. He loved living in the city and when his dad told him that they were moving here he tried then. He said he got sick and threw up all of the pills he swallowed. I think if we hadn't have found each other when we did he would have gone through with it that night."
"He didn't fit in here at all, he liked to write poetry and draw and paint hardly activities that are encouraged. He loved to dance and was in gymnastics in the city, but our school didn't offer anything like that. He was so scared and so lonely, afraid that people would find out he really was gay instead of just thinking so because of his hobbies. I still don't understand why he chose to tell me that night, I am very greatful that he did, but it really defies reason. I think maybe he was so near the edge of suicide he wanted someone to know why before he did it."
"He always called me his hero, his knight in shining armor, his cowboy in a white hat on a gallant steed. We really knew each other for only nine months that day we got caught was our nine month anniversary. I don't how it is possible to love someone that much in nine short months but we managed it."
"Oh God this is hard." I said the tears nearly breaking through again, but I forced them away. "He was my best friend, closer even than Jason. He was my lover. He was my soul mate, we fit so perfectly together. When we were together I felt more complete than I had ever thought possible and apart I felt like a piece of me was missing. I feel like a piece of me is missing."
"JT..." Mom started.
"Please let me talk, I don't know if I will ever be able to do this again so please don't interupt me." I said and let the silence overwhelm us.
"As much as losing him hurts me, it doesn't make me want to commit suicide to be with him. I'm not going to do a Romeo and Juliet scene. I don't know how I am going to do this, but please if I want to be alone please allow me that. Having Jason and Dallas here was a good idea, they are keeping me from thinking about him too much. And if they could stay tonight and maybe tomorrow I think that would be good too. But I need to deal with this in my own way. You can't, they can't help me. No one knows nobody understands."
"Ever since I figured out that I was gay I have lived knowing that no one I knew can understand what I feel, see things the way I see things. Little things, every day things remind me that I am different than the rest of you. I can't watch television without being reminded that I am gay. Every advertisement uses happy straight couples to sell things, but they tell me that I am different, that I'm not going to find that perfect wife and settle down in a perfect house and have a perfect family. As much as you both try you don't understand and you will never truly understand. I love you as much as I possibly can, but I need to things in my own way."
"I'm going to be okay," I said as I stood up. "It might take some time, but it will happen. Now can I have a hug?"
My parents came and both enveloped me in their arms and whispered to me how much they loved me and as I lost myself in their embrace I thought to myself that like this I feel almost as safe as I did with Jimmy's arms around me.
"Thank you for being so good to me." I said as we ended the embrace, "I know that I have caused you more pain than any child has a right to cause their parents."
"JT," Dad said, "you have not given us anything but someone to be very proud of. We will give you your peace, but always we are here."
"I better get back to the guys. See you in the morning." I said giving them a small smile.
The guys were watching some karate movie with Jean Claude Van Damm so I settled down on the big mat on the floor and watched bad karate movies until we all fell asleep in one big pile.
Coffee... I could smell coffee. I stretched oh boy did I hurt sleeping in front of the tv is never a good idea I thought to myself. I disentangled myself from Jason and Dallas's still sleeping forms and went to the bathroom. Standing there waiting for my stream to flow yesterday came floating back to me and hit me like a truck.
"Damn it Jimmy how could you do this to me. I loved you and you killed yourself. How could you do this to me." I said to aloud to myself.
I wandered upstairs and helped myself to a cup of coffee sat down and looked out the window, lost in my own little world. I sat and sipped the hot liquid just staring vacantly out the window for I don't know how long.
"JT... JT..."
"You think he's okay?" Mom asked.
"I think he's still asleep." Dad replied and started to chuckle.
The sound of his low rumbling chuckle drew me out of my thoughts, "Oh morning `rental units. I was just thinking... I think."
At that dad chuckled even louder.
"What would you like for breakfast JT?" Mom asked.
"Well I'd like steak and eggs, but that would probably be out of line eh?" I aksed with a grin.
"No," Mom replied, "I have some thawed out, but you aren't done with the dentist yet I don't think you could chew it... how about a hamburger steak?"
"Sounds good to me, with amercan fries maybe?" I asked hopefully.
"Okay but that will take longer I will need to make raw fries."
"Make a bunch I'll wake the guys."
"Okay, but it will be a while."
"Thanks Mom you're the best."
"I love you too JT." She smiled back at me.
I walked back down to the family room and looked at my two friends asleep in front of the television. For a moment I pictured Jimmy lying there on the floor. It really spooked me. I shook my head and went ahead and showered.
After my shower I dressed in some new black jeans, my favorite western shirt and pulled on my old Tony Llama boots. I went into the family room and the guys were still fast asleep. A very evil thought struck me and I walked over to the stereo found Jimi Hendrix's version of The Star Spangled Banner and turned the volume up full blast. Oh man it was so funny to see. Those two jumped, I swear, six feet straight in the air and then ran into each other knocking the other over. I shut the stereo off and almost doulbled over laughing at them.
"God Damn you JT." Jason shouted. "We could have injured each other."
"JT, that wasn't very nice." Dallas said with a little boys pout on his face.
"Oh man you guys are funny." I said as I started up the stairs, "Time to get up steak, eggs and american fries for breakfast."
"What was that noise about JT?" Dad asked.
"Oh man you should have seen those two wake up... they ran into each other just like in the old Keystone Cop movies." I chuckled.
"I bet." He snorted. "What are your plans for today?"
"Well if we still had a church to go to I would have liked to have done that. God and I have some talking to do... but since that isn't an option I'm not sure what I want to do."
"If you want the suburban is full of gas and I would give you some cash to go into Bismarck." He said. "One thing Jason drives I don't want you driving in town while you are still on pain meds."
"Thanks Dad sounds good to me I'll ask the guys."
I sat at the table in the kitchen sipping hot coffee thinking about Jimmy... the nights spent camping out on the prairie just lying in each others arms. The two of us so small and insignificant under the canopy of stars. Jimmy knew the all of the constelations and taught me where they were and what their names were. He would tell me the story of how they were named. Said his dad had taught them to him, he would talk about how good it felt too be with his dad on those nights when it was just the two of them... how good it felt in those days before he figured out that in his father's eyes he would never measure up.
"JT breakfast is ready." Mom said.
"He's lost in his thoughts again." Dad said.
"Huh? Oh sorry Mom I was just remembering going camping with him last summer." I wistfully replied. I looked around and saw everyone was sitting down and had started eating.
"Boys my suburban is full of gas if you want to take it into Bismarck for the day," Dad said, "But Jason I want you to drive, between his pain meds and ummm well I just don't want JT to be driving right now."
"Sounds good to me Uncle John. We better see if Denver wants to go with." Jason said.
"Yeah Denver would have a fit if we left him home." Dallas replied.
They talked as they ate and from time to time when a question or comment was directed at me I would nod but I didn't really pay attention to them. Except for eating the hamburger steak it felt like many other mornings we had sat and ate breakfast in preparation to working cattle or going hunting. But I felt like I was seperated from all of them like I really wasn't there. I mean my body was there but it felt like I was watching a scene playing out on tv screen.
"Thanks for breakfast Mom it was really great." I said and Jason and Dallas nodded their heads agreeing with me.
"I'll call Denver and tell him to get ready." I said as I walked into the den to the telephone.
"Guys take care of him," Dad said, "I don't know what to tell you to do, but Sarah and I are really worried."
"We will Uncle John," Dallas replied. "I don't think we have to worry about him doing that, he's mad at Jimmy and sad because he did, but he hasn't been talking about killing himself."
"Just make sure one of you is with him ok?" Mom asked.
"Sure Aunt Sarah." Jason replied. "He's my best firend I won't let anything else happen to him."
"Denver will be waiting when we get there," I said as I walked back into the kitchen, "C'mon guys let's go."
"You guys drive careful and have fun." Dad called as we headed out the door.
Jason drove us over and we picked up Dallas.
"Umm JT I just wanted to say how sorry I am and if you need anything...." Denver said.
"Thanks Denver." I replied,"But just be there for me and now let's not talk about him ok?"
"Sure JT," he said, "So what did you guys do yesterday?"
"Well we found out about JT's taste in underwear." Giggled Jason
"Huh?"
"Yesterday after he made us do his work we showered and changed into some of his clothes." Dallas laughed.
"Yeah I noticed that you two are wearing JT's clothes." Denver replied.
"Well anyway we went for some underwear and Jason found this thing in the bottom of JT's underwear drawer." Dallas rejoined.
"It isn't a thing," I said indignantly, "It's a thong and it was a gift."
"What's a thong?" Denver asked.
"It is really skimpy underwear." I replied.
"It looks damned uncomfortable to me." Jason replied.
"Oh we found out Jason wants to look at gay porn too." I announced triumphantly.
"What!?!?!?!?!" Denver shouted.
"I do not." Jason protested.
"He said he was looking for my stash of porn... so he must like looking at gay porn why else would he be looking for my porn stash." I laughed.
"JT I am going to get you so bad for that." Jason replied evily.
"Well I won't be so lonely at school when the gossips hear about it." I said laughing uncontrollably.
Jason started slugging me on the shoulder and the twins were laughing.
We made our way to the Kirkwood mall and spent most of the day wandering around looking at stuff the guys checking out the girls and givng me shit about scoping out an occasional cute guy. We didn't buy much a few cd's and some shirts at the western clothing store. After eating mexican we went to a movie and then returned home.
I hadn't taken any pain pills because they make me so sleepy but as we headed out to the suburban I called for the back seat because I knew I would sleep most of the way home... Dallas got stuck in back with me. The guys were visiting but I just couldn't stay awake any longer and drifted off to sleep.
"Wake up JT, we're home." Dallas said, "C'mon JT wake up."
"Hmmm huh? what?" I replied totally confused. As I woke up I realized I was sleeping sort of on top of Dallas. "Sorry Dallas you should of woke me.... I didn't know I had fallen asleep on you."
"It's ok JT, but you need to get up."
I sat up and lookd around and saw that Jase and Denver were smiling at me.
"JT, did you know that you snore really loud?" Denver asked.
"Yeah bud you could wake the dead." Jason said.
"The doc says after my nose heals I should quit snoring." I informed them.
"You want one of us to stay over tonight?" Dallas asked, I thought I heard some hopefullness in his voice.
"No you guys need to go home and get ready for school in the morning and I do need some time alone." I said.
Dallas and Denver got out of the suburban and walked up the their house and I got up front with Jason.
"You sure got a cousin that cares for you JT." Jason said as he started the drive to my place.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Well almost as soon as we left Bismarck you fell asleep and you were on Dallas' shoulder before we made it out of Mandan. I think you slept in his lap all the way home. We tried to get him to wake you up, but he said to just let you sleep." He replied.
"Yeah Dallas has always been more like a brother to me than a cousin. I don't walk all over him like Denver does."
"There isn't anything else going with you two is there?"
"What do you mean? Dallas and I.... "
"Well it just seems that you two have been awfully close lately. And I have seen him holding you a couple of times."
"Jason he has really been there for me the last few days. But that is all, he's as str8 as you are... besides that he's my cousin."
"Ok JT, it just looked a little strange is all."
"Jason if you had been there yesterday afternoon when Dallas had been and I woke up crying wouldn't you have held me?"
"Yeah you know I would have JT."
"Ok would that have made something up between us?" I asked. "You know damned well it wouldn't have."
"I know JT, it's just that sometimes the way he looks at you." Jason replied. "But I should have known that you wouldn't do anything with him... not with Jimmy just having... oh shit I'm sorry."
"Naw don't worry about it bud."
"Well here we are." He said as we pulled into my place. "You sure you don't want me to stay tonight JT?"
"I'll be fine you go home and get some sleep, call before you come over don't know if I will go to school tomorrow."
"Okay, night JT."
"Good night Jason thanks for everything."
"Anytime bud anytime."
I watched as he got in his pickup and drove out of sight. Damn I am going to have to talk to Dallas he doesn't need this shit, I thought.
"Did you guys have a nice time in Bismarck?" Mom asked as I walked into the house.
"Yeah I bought a couple of shirts and some C.D.'s and we watched a movie." I replied. "Umm do you want me to go to school in the morning?"
"I think you should, but if you really don't feel like it I will let you stay home."
"Thanks Mom. I don't know what I feel like."
"We can decide in the morning, if you are in school you will have stuff to occupy your mind which is better than sitting around here all day. But you better go to bed soon."
I kissed her good night and went down to my room. I removed my boots and then stripped off and went in and took a long hot shower. When I finished I put on some sweats and sat down at my desk and re-read Jimmy's letter. I could feel the pain in his words and although I was angry at him for doing what he did I knew that from his point of view that suicide was his only way out. I reached into the bottom right hand drawer of my desk and had to dig all the way to the bottom of the drawer to find my old dog eared Bible. So much hatred and bigotry comes from this book, but now when I need comfort where do I turn? The book almost automatically flipped open to the 23rd Psalm and I read those words that are ingrained in my memory.
"The Lord is my shephard, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of rightousness for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me, in the presence of my enemies. You annoit my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."
I had been to many funerals and it seemed like that chapter was always read, but I had never really read it before. Or maybe I had and the words just didn't mean as much before. Every other time it had been someone that wasn't that important to me that had died and I had gone to the funeral as a gesture of respect for the family so the words and the prayers were something to be endured not listened to. Sitting there thinking about the words I felt a strange calm settle on me and decided to try and sleep.
"JT.... JT...." I felt someone shaking me. "JT wake up you slept through your alarm."
"Huh? Oh morning Mom." I replied sleepily
"JT it's past time to get up Jason will be here shortly so you have to hurry." Mom said as she walked out of my room.
I stumbled through my morning routine and finally made it upstairs just as Jason honked his horn.
"About time you made it up." Mom said. "You don't have time for a proper breakfast so here is a muffin and some coffee."
"Thank's mom." I said as I headed for the door.
"JT if you can't handle school just call me and I'll come get you."
"Okay."
"Morning JT, how you feeling today?" Asked Jason.
I shot him an evil look in reply and he laughed as he spun his tires going out of the yard. Thankfully he had the radio turned up loud so I didn't have to make polite conversation I just ate my muffin and drank the strong black coffee. We pulled into the parking lot and as luck would have it the first person we saw was Troy Sanford, I suspected that it was him along with his brother Bob that had been among those that had bashed me.
"Hey fag boy I hear your boyfriend hung himself." Troy said. "You should think about doing the same, it would put your folks out of their embarrassment."
"Troy why don't you..." I was saying when I saw Jason deck him with a roundhouse right fist. Troy was on his back on the gravel of the parking lot and Jason was kneeling on top of him pummelling his face.
"Troy you sorry son-of-a-bitch, I'm going to beat some sense into that thick stupid skull of yours." Jason yelled at him.
I could see that Troy was out for the count, but Jason just kept hitting him.
"Whoah Jason," I said. "He's out like a light. Jason dammit quit beating on him." But Jason was beyond hearing me so I grabbed him from behind and pulled him off of Troy's prostrate form.
"Damn it JT let me go."
"I'll let you go if you promise me you won't beat on him anymore." I said as I held him back.
"He deserves it... you heard what he said."
"No he deserved to be decked, but he doesn't deserve to get beat up when he can't protect himself... doing that makes you as bad as the guys that beat me." I said. "Now I'm gonna let you go, but please don't hit him again."
I turned him loose and noticed that Troy was coming around. He shook his head a couple of times and said as he pushed himself to his feet, "Faggot lover you'll get yours too."
"Troy you homphobic asshole, why don't you go find something else to screw with? Shit you and your buddies already tried and failed to kill me." I stated.
"You don't know that." He said.
" I didn't, until I just saw your face now I know that you were one of them and I'll bet you I know at least three of the others.... your brother Bob, Brad Johnson and Kevin Murray." I said and watched his eyes narrow confirming to me that I was right on the money. "How many of other he men jocks were in on it? There are some good kids in that group and I know that one of them won't be able to keep silent forever. When that happens you guys can forget about college.... maybe you could play football for the state prison team."
"You don't know what the hell you are talking about fag." Troy relplied.
"You'll be realy popular in prison Troy those cons will just love that tight ass of yours." I grinned at him. "Yeah you'll make some prisoner a good girlfriend."
"Stay away from me you cocksucker."
"We'll see who the cocksucker is after you finish your time in the pen." Jason laughed.
"C'mon Jason this asshole aint worth anymore hassle." I said as we walked towards the doors.
"You okay JT?" Jason asked.
"Yeah I think so... what he said isn't anything less than I expected." I replied, "Don't know if I am going to make it through this day though."
"You want the keys to my truck?"
"Thanks bro, but if it gets bad I'll just walk down to the implement and Dad will give me a ride home."
Things really weren't so bad that morning some of the kids actually spoke to me expressing their condolences. Everything that is until gym class right before lunch. I hadn't been dressing since I came home from the hospital.
"Yo Clark get your tail in the locker room and get dressed." Coach Henderson called to me.
"But Coach..."
"Got to face it sometime JT," He said. "JT I know this isn't going to be easy , but they need to get used to you and you need to get used to them."
"Coach I don't..."
"No arguments Clark get your tail in there and get dressed."
I knew arguing with him was a lost cause so I hesitatingly walked into the locker room. I felt all eyes on me, but kept my eyes glued to the floor and went to my locker. The lock had been busted and the door was slightly ajar. "Oh shit they have been fucking with my stuff" I thought to myself. I swung the door open and hanging from one of the hooks was a blonde haired doll in western clothes hanging by its neck. I sort of fell against the locker... I could feel the blood pounding in my ears and felt sick to my stomach. "Breathe," I told myself, "Just breathe." I leaned against the locker trying to regain my composure when I heard laughing behind me. As much as I didn't want to I knew I was about to lose my temper.
"YOU GOD DAMNED MOTHERFUCKERS WHO THE FUCK DID THIS???? HUH WHO WAS IT??? FUCKING COWARDS HIDING BEHIND THE FUCKING CROWD. SPEAK THE FUCK UP WHO THE FUCK DID THIS????" I shouted knowing that my temper was going through the roof but I just counldn't control myself.
All the boys stood there with a dead pan look on their faces. Then Coach Henderson came in, ""Clark what is it with that language? You know better than that."
"Coach you can take this locker room, this school and all your precious fucking jocks and shove them right up your ass I will not be treated like this." I shouted.
"Clark don't you ever..." He said.
"Fuck you, look in this fucking locker then tell me what is on your mind."
He stopped in mid sentence and peered into my locker. "JESUS H. CHRIST!!!!! Who in the hell did this?" He demanded looking around the room.
"I don't know who it was, but I do know they won... I'm done." I said as I walked out the door.
"NONE OF YOU MOVE ONE MUSCLE I WILL BE RIGHT BACK!" He shouted at the guys in the locker room as he ran out to catch up with me. "JT, wait JT."
"Coach you can go to hell along with the rest of the homophobes in this place." I said.
"JT I'm not like that I don't know where you got that idea." He said.
"You want to know where I get that idea coach?" I asked as I stopped and turned to face him. "Do you know how many times I have heard you say you guys are playing like a bunch of faggots? Or you throw like a pansy? Coach you and people like you are the ones that taught these guys to hate me and people like me." He knew I was telling the truth and just looked at his feet. "Coach you won, they won I'm gone."
I walked out of the gym and out of school. As I made my way off of the school grounds I saw Principal Stein. "Where are you going, JT? Let me see your pass."
I stepped on to the street in front of the school and said to him, "You want to see my pass Dick?"
"JT, you know enough to call me Mr. Stein and yes I want to see your pass."
"Here's your pass," I said as I gave him the one fngered salute. "You might want to go see Coach Henderson."
With that comment I turned and walked away. Following alleys and cutting across yards it took me about ten minutes to make my way to the implement dealership. I walked into the showroom and one of the guys said hello, but I ignored him.
Dad looked up from the counter where he was talking to one of the larger farmers in the area "JT, what are you doing here?"
I didn't say a word just walked into his office. "Excuse me Jim," I heard my Dad say. "I think we got more trouble."
"Take care of your boy John, I can wait."
"What's wrong son?" Dad asked.
"Close the door please." I said.
"Huh? Oh okay." He then called out, "Hank no disturbances... anything comes in you take care of it."
"Okay what happened?"
"In my locker... in gym... they had a blonde doll hanging by its neck...."
"Oh my God." He said softly as he pulled me into his arms.
"I'm sorry Dad, but I... I....I lost my temper." I stammered. "I'm afraid I really fucked things up this time."
"JT, tell me everything."
I pulled away from him and sat down in front of his desk and told him everything that had happened that morning. When I finished he said, "JT you didn't fuck... ummm mess up anything. Everything will be okay, but I need to call your Mom right away."
He dialed our home number. "Sarah.... yeah Sarah I know JT is here with me..... Sarah calm down.... Sarah he's fine... okay he's okay.... Sarah listen if the school calls again just give them Sandy Schmidt's number any more talk between them and us will take place between our lawyers. Okay here he is."
"JT she wants to talk to you... tell her you are okay she is really upset."
"Mom.... yeah.... Mom I'm upset, but I am okay....I'll ask him. She wants to know if she should come get me or if you will take me home or...?"
He took the phone, "Sarah I'll get him home. Yeah Love You." He hung the phone up and looked at me thoughtfully.
I started to squirm a little I felt like I was being looked at from under a microscope. "Dad quit staring at me."
"Oh I'm sorry JT I really wasn't staring at you I was just thinking."
"Care to let me know what you were thinking?"
"Just wondering where we go from here. I think our next move is to go see Jason's mom.... she will want to know what happened."
"Why Jase's mom?" I asked.
"After you told us why you got beat up we hired her for our attorney. She is associated with one of the best firms in the upper midwest." He said as he dialed a number. "Sandy please. Tell her it is John Clark. Sandy you got some time? I think you need to hear this from JT's mouth."
"Okay she has time at one o'clock let's go get some lunch." Dad said. "Hank I'm going to lunch I might not be back this afternoon if anything you can't handle comes up just take a message I'll be back in the morning."
"Okay Boss." Hank replied.
We went out to his pickup and drove down to the truck stop where he normally ate lunch. The place was a buzz with conversation, but when I came in all heads swiveled and saw me and everyone stopped talking. "Oh shit" I muttered.
"Cowboy up." Dad said in a low voice.
"John, JT over here." Called my Uncle Jesse, Dallas and Denver's dad, from a corner booth.
We crossed the crowded room enduring the stares of all the people gathered there and sat down. "Jesus you'd think I had a big pink triangle on my coat they way everyone is staring at me." I said.
"It isn't you so much as the whole O'brien clan. Seems like Janet made quite a scene yesterday at that fundamentalist church.... the up shot is she threw Kirk out and blamed him, the preacher and the whole congregation for killing her son." Jesse paused. "I was really sorry to hear about Jimmy JT."
"Umm thanks Jesse." I replied. "So she finally understands."
"I don't know if she understands or not, but this town is learning some hard lessons." Jesse replied. "There are only a few of the guys that will talk about it when I am around... I guess they know that I don't give a damn what people think, but from what I have heard she is taking this really hard."
"Well this is only the beginning," Dad said, "in phys. ed. this morning they had an effigy of Jimmy hanging in JT's locker."
"Christ." Jesse replied, "What are you going to do?"
"JT and I have an appointment to see Sandy Schmidt at one o'clock... I hate to do it, but I think our only option is to pull JT out of school and start legal proceedings. This is going to be hell for my business, but they can't treat my son this way. I won't allow it."
"How are you doing JT?" Jesse asked.
"Well I didn't go postal." I returned, "But I did lose my temper I told Coach Henderson to stick the jocks and the whole damned school up his ass and then gave Dick Stein the bird."
When my uncle Jesse thinks something is funny he laughs and he laughs loud, at hearing this he let loose with a shout of laughter that everyone in the place took notice of. "Oh man I wish I could have seen their faces those hypocritical bastards."
Just then the waitress came over and took our order Dad had the special and I had a bacon cheeseburger and onion rings. As we were finishing our meal I said, "Jesse have you heard when or if they are having a funeral for Jimmy?"
"No I haven't, but I will find out. John Larson called the other day about hunting deer on the farm so I'll stop by the funeral home and ask him."
"Thanks Jesse..."
"No problem kiddo. Lunch is on me... the farm can pay for it." Jesse said with a wink.
After leaving the cafe Dad drove me to Aunt Sandy's office, we were ushered right into her office and Sandy came over and gave me a hug. "JT, I am going to tape our conversation and I am going to ask a lot of questions. If I ask you something several times it isn't that I don't believe you it just that I want to have as clear and concise language as possible."
Before Sandy had gotten married she worked as a prosecutor and man did she really grill me that afternoon. She started with what had happened this morning then had me tell her everything starting with the night that Jimmy and I had gotten caught parking. After we went through that she had me tell her about how Jimmy and I got together... some of the things she asked got really personal and I was really embarassed at that point she asked my dad to leave the room. After what felt like three days she called dad back into the room.
"Well I think we have a pretty sound case against the school district. From what other courts have done in similar cases I think we shouldn't have any problems. John are you sure you want to sue the school district?"
"No Sandy I'm not. This will really hurt my business, but JT and his safety and sanity are more important than the implement. I can always sell the business and return to farming full time or move." Dad replied.
"What about you JT, what do you want?" Sandy asked.
"I just want to be able to go to school. I don't want to be harrassed everytime I step foot in there. I'd like to feel safe when I am in school." I said, "I don't want to have to move my friends are here... I can't imagine not having Jason and the twins around me. Uncle Jerry says I can go to Minneapolis and live with his family and go to school, but I don't want to leave my parents either."
Sandy leaned back in her chair and studied the two of us then said, "Okay here is what I think you should do. First we will file a suit against the school district for $1,000,000.00 we won't get that much, but it is just the threat of the suit that will make them sit up and take notice. Then we will arrange a meeting between the president of the school board, the superintendent of schools and their lawyer. Maybe we can work a deal, but JT like your parents I grew up in this town I don't know if we will find any way for you to return to school and assure your safety. This town isn't very accepting of anyone out of the ordinary."
"I will have my secretary type up your statement and probably tomorrow morning have it sent out to your house I want you to look it over and make sure that everything is as near to being the way you remember it."
With that she came around her desk and gave me a hug, "JT you are going to find a lot of people who are going to harass you for being who you are, some with words and some with weapons. You will need to be prepared to deal with that. One of my best friends in law school was gay... he was one of my study partners until halfway through our last year when he was bashed by some high school kids. He died a few days later."
"You be careful JT you mean a lot to the Judge and I and I know how much you mean to Jason."
"Thanks Aunt Sandy."
On the drive home I said, "Wow that is a side of Sandy I never knew existed."
"She's a tough nut isn't she?" Dad grinned, "I have seen her do that in court and make grown men flinch. I sure hope to never be on the wrong side of her in court."
We rode in silence until just before we reached our place. "Dad how... er what should I say to Mom?"
"Let me handle your Mom, just let her be the protective mama when we get there."
"JT are you okay?" Mom asked as I stepped out of the pickup. "I was so worried, you should have called me."
"Yeah, I'm okay. Just a bit wiped out... Sandy was really tough." I replied.
"Mr. Stein called right after you left school... he wants an apology."
"That will be a cold day in hell" I laughed bitterly.
"Dick Stein will be talking to Sandy shortly," Dad replied. "I don't think we will have any more calls from the school, but if we do tell them to call her."
"Where do we go from here?" Mom asked as we walked into the house. So Dad told her about what Sandy said.
"Umm I'm going to go to my room." I said as I walked down the stairs. What now? Where would I go... going back didn't seem to be an option so basically I guess that meant going to live with Jerry in Minneapolis. Jerry has two kids Cory, who is just a couple of months younger than me, and Jennifer, who is just eleven. Cory looks a lot like the twins and I, of course our fathers all look a lot alike too, and is a real nice guy... they come out for a month every summer and also are here for christmas every year so it wouldn't be like moving in with total strangers.
Oh well nothing I can do about it now. I wonder if anyone will be in chat? So I logged on but no one was around, I surfed around a little looked at some porn and caught up on the serial's that I read at nifty. After a while Mom called down telling me supper was ready.
About half way though our meal the phone rang. Mom was the first up and answered it, "Hello.... I don't think he wants to talk with you.... ok I'll ask him." She covered the mouth piece and said "JT it is Janet O'brien and she wants to talk to you.... do you want to talk to her?"
"I don't know mom... not on the phone anyway."
"Janet, he doesn't want to talk on the phone.... yes you can come here if you like.... Now? Let me ask him."
I nodded my head.
"He says now would be fine Janet... Okay we will see you in an hour."
"I wonder what she wants?" I said.
"She sounded serious JT, I could tell she had been crying." Mom replied.
"Ummm I want both of you here... don't leave me alone."
"We'll be with you if that is what you want. Won't we John?"
"Well when she talks like that I know I won't be anyplace else." Dad grinned trying to make us smile... it didn't work but he tried.
"Mom I'm sorry but suddenly I am not hungry anymore."
"I understand honey," she replied. "Why don't you and your father go into the living room while I do the dishes."
We walked into the living room and Dad snagged his guitar, he knew that his playing always relaxed me. I went to the fireplace and lit the fire then sat in an old rocking chair and stared into the fire while listening to him play. I watched the flames jig and bob while my father played old western songs, I kept trying to think about what Janet wanted, but finally just gave myself over to listening to the nusic. Before I knew it the door bell rang.
Dad went to answer the door, "Evening Janet, JT is in the living room."
She walked into the living room and I rose to greet her. I though how she looked changed in the few weeks since I had last seen her. I could see the indecision on her face so I said, "Hello Janet." I had always called her Mrs. O'brien before and she recognized right away that my calling her by her christian name was a sign of the lack of respect in which I now held her.
"Hello JT." She replied, "I... I uhhh."
"Janet why don't you have a seat." Mom said rescuing her.
"Thanks Sarah." She replied settling into one of the arm-chairs. "Umm could we have some privacy?"
"No." I stated flatly. "I don't want to be alone with you."
"I see... JT this is terribly hard for me... you can't imagine..."
"I can't imagine???" I interupted. "Jesus Janet I loved your son... more than your husband did probably more than you did and I can't imagine."
"JT," Dad said giving me that look.
"No John, it's okay." Janet replied. "I probably deserve that.... JT was there for Jimmy when I failed him and he has the right to be angry."
"JT I can't change what happened... if I could you must believe me that things would have been much different. I didn't really understand what Kirk was doing. Kirk had always been a good man and a good father, so when he said that this is what we should do I went along with him. Looking back it was the worst thing I could have done."
"When your mom called she said you had gotten a letter from him. Could I read it?"
"Umm I don't think so Janet." I replied. Dad shot me that look again and I continued. "What was in that letter is very personal and I know I am not comfortable with having my parents read it let alone you. Besides I doubt if you would find any comfort in his words."
"Will you at least consider it?"
"Yeah I'll think about it, but no promises."
"That is all I can ask I guess," she replied sadly. "Also I would like you to help me do one final thing for Jimmy, help me plan his funeral."
That was about all I could take and my strong facade I had so carefully put on disolved. I couldn't stop myself and ran out of the room before I lost it in front of her.
"JT, wait." Mom called, but I headed out the door.
"Sarah stay here." Dad said as mom tried to follow me. "The boy needs some time, let it be."
"Janet that wasn't the best way you could have handled that," Dad commented, "I would have prefered that you had asked us first. He has really been through the mill and this didn't help him at all."
"I am sorry John, that wasn't very smart of me, but I didn't know how else to do it. The truth is, I think, that he knew my son better than I did and he might be able to help me take care of this in the way that Jimmy would have wanted. I.. I allowed my husband to ruin my son's life and for that I assume as much or more blame than I place on Kirk. I want Jimmy to be laid to rest the way he would have wanted."
"Well why don't we have some coffee and in a little while I'll go get JT." Dad replied.
"But you don't know where he is." Janet protested.
"There is only one place that he goes when he is upset... he'll be with his horses."
I left the house and ran for the barn. It was very cold out, but I didn't bother to grab a coat. When I got to the barn I whistled softly and my horses came to greet me. I don't know how long I stood there stroking their coats and whispering nonsense into their ears, but I did hear it when my father entered the barn.
"I figured you would be out here," He said offering me my coat, "And knew you would want this."
"Thanks Dad... I'm sorry I just didn't know what to do. So I took off." I said as I pulled on the coat.
"I know this isn't easy for you, but Janet really does want your input on this. It isn't much, but it is the only thing she can offer you."
"I just don't want to break down in front of her... she caused me so much pain. Shortly after I regained consciousness I called her. Dad, I will never forget what she said to me or the tone of voice she said it in. After I hung up the phone I wanted nothing more than to return to the land of shadows and die." I looked up from the ground and stared into his eyes. "Can you understand how it makes me feel to talk with her let alone be in the same room?"
"No son I honestly can't say that I do know. However I do know this, Jimmy was part of her and part of what you loved in that boy was her too. He was made up of parts of both of his parents, just like you are... JT everyone tells me how much you look like me, but when I look at you all I see is your mother, you have her eyes those deep brown eyes, and when she looks at you she sees me. Do you see what I'm trying to say?"
"I think so Dad, I should look for Jimmy in her and block out the hurtful parts."
"There you go my boy, there you go." He said as he ruffled my hair, "Now should we go back and help Jimmy's mom get through this?"
"Okay Dad."
As we walked back to the house with his arm around my shoulders I thought to myself again for about the zillionth time how lucky I had been to draw the parents that I had. Janet asked for my help and I provided it and helped plan Jimmy's funeral...
I had planned on telling about his funeral, but find that remembering it is just too painful to bear. Needless to say the guys helped out, they were the pallbearer's and provided the music. The only really surprising thing about the funeral was the number of people, kids from school that showed up for it. Most of the kids came up to me and asked me if I was going to return to school. I told them I didn't know.
I had thought that I had cried all of the tears possible before the funeral, but I hadn't and lost it again during the funeral. I can't say that I forgave Janet, but we made our peace... we recognized in each other pieces of the boy we loved.
A few days after the funeral Janet asked me to come over to their place with a horse trailer. For a long while I sat in dad's truck in their yard and just remembered times when Jimmy and I were happy... it still hurt but I could think of those times without cying. Then I saw Janet standing in the doorway watching me. I got out of the truck and walked to the house. "Morning Janet... I was just remembering other times..." I said to explain myelf.
"I understand JT," she replied, "For a while there you were here so much it felt like I had two sons."
I could see that she was about to cry again and I know I didn't need to see that because it would just start me up so I stepped closer to her and gave her a hug. She rested her head on my shoulder and I could feel the tension in her back... I also noticed her scent was very similar to Jimmy's.
She pulled away and said, "I did have two sons I just didn't realize it... I know what Jimmy saw in you and over the last few days I have seen it too. JT you are a very nice boy... no you are a very good man and someday you will find someone to share your life. I am truly sorry that it won't be my son."
I looked down I didn't know what to say.
"The reason I invited you out here is that I have decided to move back to Kansas City... my friends and what little family I have is there. I thought you might want to have some of Jimmy's things and I want you to have Blue Boy, he loved that horse and I know you do too after all you raised and trained him."
"Thanks Janet... yeah he loved Blue."
"Well if you would like you can go up to his room.... it's the same as it was the day he left. If you need anything just call for me."
I went up to his room and was assailed by memories... there really wasn't much that I wanted. Though I was glad that Janet hadn't gone through his room because there was a sketch book that I wanted... I went to his closet and reached into the back where I knew he kept his most personal items. Hidden back there were his sketchbook, a shoe box with some momentos of things we had done together, and his diary. I didn't want to read it, but I knew from conversations with him that he wouldn't want his mom to read it. Then looking around his room I noticed a book about astronomy and a blanket he had borrowed from me so I took those too. I put everything into a box that had been sitting outside of his door and walked downstairs.
"I see you found some things." Janet said.
"Yeah just a couple of personal things... some clothes he had borrowed and a blanket. You want to see?" I asked.
"I don't think so JT, I assume you got those things he wouldn't want me to see."
"Yes ma'am." I said slightly tunring red.
"It's okay JT... that is one reason I wanted you to come over. I know that he had things in his room that were very personal, things to do with you and your relationship, and as much as I respect that now... I don't want to know." Then she moved over to the table and picked up a pen. "This is the bill of sale on Blue Boy if you would sign it then we can move on."
I signed the piece of paper, then handed it to her and she kept the carbon copy and handed me the original. "Oh yes if you would take his saddle and all of the stuff for Blue Boy I'd appreciate it."
I nodded and picked up the box and walked outside.
"JT?" She called after me.
"Yes."
"If I write will you write back? I'd like to stay in touch with you."
"Yes Janet I'd like that. You are my only link to him now."
She came to me and put her hands on my shoulder and looked into my eyes. "You and I have our memories of him... as long as we keep those we will always have him. Good bye JT."
"Good bye Janet."
I put the box in the truck then backed up to the barn loaded Blue Boy and all of his tack. Then looked around and put some other supplies in the truck box. Then I called to Blue and showed him the bucket of oats. He came trotting over to me and nuzzled me with his muzzle I slipped a hackamore over his head and led him into the horse trailer. I shut the tailgate then looked around the yard.
"Jimmy,' I sad aloud, " I will never forget you and I will always love you."
I got back in the truck and drove away.
Author's note Well that finishes this part of the story... sorry it took so long but writing it took a lot out of me. JT's ballad isn't over, though this bittersweet chapter is. I have already started on chapter twelve... what will happen between Dallas and JT? What will happen with JT and school? and will JT's attackers ever get the punishment they so richly deserve? Stick with me and we will find out.
pete pistonpolisher@grabmail.com